NIGHT OF THE GHOUL - The Horrific Harrowing Tale of Scott Snyder

Night of the Ghoul mercifully came to an end after three issues drained my comic book budget of 15 bux. There’s something yucky about turning the last page of something that brought you no joy whatsoever other than the intrigue of something great. One would think I would have learned my lesson with all the eye candy flopping about Los Angeles but I guess I still have much to learn when it comes to trusting comic book creators to come with the booyaka shot of comic book goodness. I have to say, I’m completely befuddled by this poop fest. Scott Snyder has become that Rookie Phenom who had a blistering do-no-wrong first season (Batman; Court of Owls) but has barely gotten the ball out of the infield since. I’m looking at you ‘We Have Demons’ and all that “Dark Metal DC Crossover Omnibust Madness’.  He did have ‘Wytches’ which was a horror genre shot to the bleachers, which is why I thought this would be another wallop.

 

I get that he was doing an homage to all the great Horror Movies of yesteryear with his back and forth between current day burnt face director in an old folks home and crinkly grainy footage of a lost cinematic masterpiece. It just all felt so…goofy? I didn’t once feel like I cared for any of the characters. The Dad was like a whiny entitled film executive type from Calabasas who was pestering some old relic for footage like he was at Gelson’s badgering the deli counter guy to find another piece of Teriyaki Salmon in the back or go fishing for one. The kid was a mealy mouthed cardboard cut out of a character who you wanted to see eaten by a bunch of old lanky purple zombie yuckmouths. Who was I supposed to be rooting for in this mish mosh?

 

Not only that, but I can’t for the life of me understand why the artist Frankie Francavilla kept putting his insignia on a bunch of the pages he drew. Have you ever seen that??? Like, the cover, fine, maybe the final splash page but on random pages right in the middle of the story? WTF? It totally takes you out of the narrative and makes you think ‘oh yeah some egotistical doofus drew this it’s not real’. Please tell me it’s the editors fault and not Frankie’s as I happen to really enjoy his work a lot. Okay, then I had an epiphany…

 

It finally hit me, I realized what was going on here. This wasn’t Scott Snyder writing a horror story/homage to classic monster movies. This was Scott Snyder’s way of writing a plea to the masses. It was his way of revealing what happened at the very end of his initial Batman run where his Mr. Bloom story line abruptly came to a quizzical end. It’s become pretty clear to me that Synder and Capullo were summoned to the depths underneath the Getty Center to a meeting where the Lords of Comic Book Entertainment were to give them an initiation into the high order while giving them their marching orders. To his credit, Snyder refused and what you see in The Ghoul is his reenactment of his escape with Capullo from the gruesome clutches of the Marvel and DC Minions. 

 

So first we have Scott Snyder seeing his demonic masters gathered for the first time here:

 

That’s him in the circle at the top. Imagine how shocked he was when he saw this. First the burning skeletons. The one on the left staring blankly ahead is Walt Disney while the one at the head of the table is Bob Hope. Notice how Bob is enjoying himself while Walty is a bit verklempt, probably because he wants to eat the Brian Wood Pie sitting on the table but can’t. Yes, that is a pie made from our long lost disappeared Brian Wood. You know how they say if you go woke you go broke. Well, if you don’t go woke you get smoked, as in they put you in a BBQ smoker for a few days before deciding what to do with you. Most get turned into sausages but some get pastries or pasta; Wood became a pie. Finally, the burning skeleton waaay in the back is Jack Kirby, poor guy, even in eternity he’s still not getting his proper payback.

 

Look at all those Marvel Execs in the background hobknobbing with each other while they drink Beelzebub’s Brew. That’s where they get the gumption and inspiration to ruin all of your favorite comic book series. Right now they’re discussing how to totally destroy the Daredevil brand. They probably met again about a month or so ago because it’s already happened in Issue #6; a complete Double D Disaster of an issue. That gruesome red skull spider blob thing is actually Stan Lee, can you believe it? All he wanted was to make great comic books for the world and this is what they did to him. I heard that if you put your ear to that gaping mouth of his you’ll hear the squeaky refrain of ‘Make Mine Marvel’. Will somebody please save his eternal Spidey Soul!!!

 

Lastly there’s Jamie Lee Curtis in the bottom left corner asking around for another kid in a suitcase to take home with her, what a total witch. The dialogue you see in the black word bubbles isn’t dialogue at all. It’s everyone repeating the same phrase in Aramaic ‘5.99 a book. 5.99 a book’ over and over because that’s what they want to charge by the end of 2023, $5.99 for each and every comic on the stands. Oh and look at the back of the chair at the bottom of the page, there’s Frankie F’s Effin Insignia Brand, what the fookity fook??? Anyway, let’s move on, it gets worse for Scott:

 

So the dude with the glasses, beard and red skull on his head with the pot belly is George Lucas. All the skeletons you see underneath him were random writers in Hollywood who were given the opportunity to suck on his belly ball sack. When you suck on that belly ball sack you get ideas for Star Wars Spinoffs; that’s where the idea from the Mandolorian came from. Unfortunately, his belly ball sack is so rancid and toxic that if you take too much of a sip you incinerate into flames; hence the mound of skeletons. One of my old writing partners is probably on that hill of death. The two old dudes are Bob Iger and Joe Biden talking about how to make a villain out of a Gas Stove. All those gross Purple Things are DC Executives, yeah, they’re not that high up on the Luciferian Ladder. They’re kinda like the Arby’s in a world of McDonalds. Next…

 

So in this panel we see George Lucas ordering for the sacrifice of Greg Capullo. This is how it works, in order to advance up the ranks of Marvel now you have to let someone close to you who’s a real amazing creative being get eaten by George which in turn makes his belly ball sack of ideas grow. I’m not sure why Scott Snyder had to include another panel of Walt Disney whining about not being able to eat any of the Brian Wood pie, maybe he and Brian were friends. Oh, and there’s Jamie Lee toasting the Marvel Execs since they just promised her a dozen kids in a dozen suitcases that will be delivered to her Comet Pictures office. That’s Meryl Streep on the outside looking in, if you listen closely you can hear her say ‘Kids in suitcases? Yum?’

 

So Greg is about to eaten by the living wall made up of all the great Marvel comics that were cancelled. I’m pretty sure Frank Miller lives in that wall, yeesh, what a gruesome old demonic fucktwit he’s become. So Scott is telling us how he wouldn’t let Greg be sacrificed to George’s belly ball sack and as he freed him when he looked back he saw this:

 

Which were all the DC Executives running after him to grind him into pie paste. I’m pretty sure that while all this was happening DC was finishing up the final issues for Synder’s initial Batman run which is why the books were so abruptly completed.

Wow. What a story. Thank you Scott for your courage. I’m not sure if you had to sign an NDA and vow to release nothing but complete and utter drivel for the rest of your career but at least you and Greg are safe.

 

Night of the Ghoul: A True Hollywood Comic Book Tale.

 

I’ll be starting a GoFundMe to retrieve the remains of Brian Wood in the near future, stay tuned.

 

Rating: All Heil George

Verdict: No Brian Wood Pie for Me.

A VICIOUS CIRCLE #1 - Review

I’ve been in Santa Fe this whole week so it’s been hard to concentrate on anything except the absolutely ridiculous sunsets, picturesque purple mountains, clean air and genuine smiles. As a Jersey Boy and long time Angeleno I still don’t trust a genuine smile. I’m always thinking ‘yeah yeah what the fuck do you want, what’s your angle? Where’s the knife you backstabbing...’ then saying ‘so great to meet you, let’s go on a hike sometime soon, blessings [heart hands]’. I did bring my comic stash but it’s hard to look at art on a page where there’s art every time you look at the sky. So I needed a powerhouse to grab my attention. I needed something that could match the Wow of the World with the Wow of its Comic Book Goody Googamoogah Goodness. So I picked up Vicious Circle and it did not disappoint.

Lee Bermejo is not of this world. Maybe he emerged from one of these mountains as an Alien Native American Spirit from an alternative dimension and decided to try the Human thing. His art is bonkers amazing. The opening arc of the book almost feels like you’re watching a film and his subsequent alternative timeline styles are all also eye-poppingly beautiful. Before I continue to wax comicbooky about Mr Bermejo I have to admit that this is the first book I’ve seen of his since the Batman Wangdoodle series. The ‘Batman…Dayummm’ series. I mean, it’s the Elephallus in the room right? Did we all just sink that down our memory hole? I’m personally dying to know what that convo in the room was like, who started it?

DC: Did you draw Batman’s dick?

Lee: You told me too.

DC: We said we wanted a provocative artistic style.

Lee: Bat Cock not provocative enough for you?

DC: - - -

Lee: I can shade it in more.

DC: - - -

Lee; Or take it out -

DC: Nooo, nooo, leave it leave it leave it. Penny get legal on the line.

I remember that the Bat Dong issue was going for like 75 bux on eBay or something and one of my Comic Book Shop guys said I should sell mine. I remember thinking ‘Isn’t that like, selling porn online? I mean, who’s paying 75 beans for Bruce’s Skin Moose? And do I really want to communicate with them? What do I do with that money? Like, okay, here’s 75 bones for your foray into Cinemax Comic Book smut land. Am I just waiting and hoping to flip that into Hulk’s Puny Peen if it ever comes out? I mean Disney puts in subliminal schlongs all over their movies, was this going to be a thing going forward? Does Spidey have a stiffy in this panel? Yeah, I just bagged and boarded the filthy rag and stuffed it away somewhere.

Anyway back to Beautiful Comic Book Land. The Premise? Two dudes are fighting each other across timelines over activating some death robot machine thingy which we haven’t seen yet. When somebody dies they pop out into another timeline. At least that’s what I’m getting from it. As far as I can tell, I hope they pop into dozens of different timelines because it looks like each timeline gets a different spectacular artistic style from Lee Buymybatdongejo. The writer, Mattson Tomlin, has been involved in some really prestigious projects over the years and is scheduled to co-write the sequel to the recent ‘The Batman’ movie, so he’s definitely in the Hot Hollywood zone. And this is on Boom! Comics?

Does it feel like Boom! is a little out of its league here? Like they stole a Black Label project away from DC or they’ve recently infused their coffers with a cartel sized Walter White dump of cash to pay up for the Monsters of the Industry to work for them? I rarely get a Boom Boom Book. I just picked up their recent ‘Once Upon a Time When We Wrote Another Fucking Apocalypse Story’ which was okay. Here’s a link to all their series:

Boom! Comic Book Series 

How many of them have you pulled? I snagged the ‘Faithless’ first arc until it got way too disgusting, evil and weird. I nabbed their first ‘Abbott’ arc which was, mnyeh. Their ‘Laila Starr’ series was one of the best series of 2021 so they nailed that one but, I’m scrolling, I’m scrolling, yeah not so much on any of these. So this one is only the 4th one out of 128 series on that page that I have. That’s a low ass batting average, but they did hit a homer with Laila and this clearly is a moon shot so maybe they’re angling to get themselves into the Image type publisher convo for 2023.

I will say I have one gripe about this book. It has nothing to do with the story, art, lettering or base concept. I have a little issue with the name of their antagonist: Ferris. Really? You named your baddie Ferris? You couldn’t come up with anything else? Not Dracon or Klaw or Adolph or Bob Iger, but Ferris? I think Ferris has been retired from all literary works and from entertainment in general. I mean, now I’m just waiting for the timeline where Ferris is on a parade float singing ‘Twist and Shout’ while wielding an Alien Bazooka. Will they pop into Wrigley field where the hero, Shawn Thacker is running through the bleachers with his laser gun while Ferris yells back at him ‘Swing Batter Batter Swing Batter Swing Batter?’ Is Bermybatballzejo gonna draw us a hot Sloan type babe? Oh pretty please? 

Hey admit it, as you watched every episode of the great TV show Succession, aren’t you waiting for Connor Roy to to do this to his dad Logan?

Well, Boom is biting DC’s Black Label modus operandi and has this book down for a 3 issue series. Is there a reason why expensive AF prestige books can’t go for 12? Or be an ongoing series? Why only 3? I’m going to have to get into this pricing insanity over comics at some point. At any rate, Vicious Circle is a vicious line drive over the center field wall. Grab it now and inhale the pages unless you’re being distracted by a purple mountain majesty sunset right in front of you, or if you’re surfing down Santa Monica Blvd on jet skis.

Rating: 9.1

Verdict: Pull

GROO: GODS AGAINST GROO #1 - Review

Where my Groo heads at? You down with the Grizzooo? How can you not be? I’ve been down with the Gee Arr double Ohhh since Epic Comics ’n shit. Since like Mad Magazine side bars n’ shit. I’m on eBay at 4am doing Pacific Comics Groo bids for some shady ass seller in Sarajevo. I probably have more Groo stuff than I have Spidey stuff. Honestly when was the last time any Spiderman stuff was beyond great? 1967? Groo gets the job done all day every day like good toilet paper that doesn’t leave little rolled up balls of paper up your bunghole. The way I see it Groo needs a whole lotta more love in the comic book universe. He’s currently with Dark Horse which is an imprint that has been crapping the bed and the page lately. They give Aragones & Co these 4 issue mini series about 2-3 times a year which is okay but I think they’re underselling him. 

If you ask me, Groo needs a new agent. Some total ruddy faced dickwad in an Armani suit who does blow every hour on the hour and goes to private parties in the hills to worship Moloch. Let’s call him Max. I bet Max could get the Groo brand placed everywhere. I wanna see Max send some goombahs named Moose and Rocco to the hipster snowflake Dark Horse offices in Portland where they pummel the legal department to release the Groo license while forcing them to drink coffee with dairy milk and cane sugar. Before they leave, Moose and Rocco makes the editorial staff cry while they eat beef burgers in front of them and wave an American flag. 

Once Max gets the Groo license he calls in Sergio and he starts pitching him on the new Groo-pocalypse.

Max: Serge, bubbeleh, come in come in, sit the fuck down. Wow, we’re gonna have to change this ‘Mexican Zoo Tourist Guide’ look you got going on. That doesn’t leave the room; fucking sensitive pussies out there.

Sergio: I like the view.

Max: This? Whatever, I’ve been asking for a window that opens out so I can take a fucking dump without having to go to the shitter. Anyway. Groo. I’m gonna have the kids, gen double x why the fuck z, the gamers, the influencers saying Groo so much it’s gonna be the hashtag of 2023. 

Sergio: I do not smoke hash.

Max: Yeah, me neither, gives me the yips and my shit turns blue. I’ve got the socials team already making Groo Memes and -

Sergio: What’s a meme?

Max: Fuck if I know. Pansy Gen Z bullshit. I’m getting Groo every-fucking-where. Groo-Gram. Groo on the View. Groo on Law & Order, which isn’t much, they’d cast your Zoo Tucchus on Law & Order but whatever. Groo on the Masked Singer -

Sergio: He is a mendicant and does not sing.

Max: Yeah neither do any of those washed up celebrities either. I want him on there to meet Ken Jeong who basically owns half of Hollywood now. I’m also getting Groo in that Lord of The Rings Snoozefest on Prime -

Sergio: I’m not sure he -

Max: Yeah, not a good fit but, look, if I get him a co-star I have an excuse to fly to set and hit on that hot Blonde chick. I want her to ride me like a heroic horse following a hobbit into a volcano. 

Sergio: I have some ideas for new story -

Max: Yeah don’t worry bout that, my crack team of writers, well, they don’t do really crack, they’re more of a ‘shroom type of crowd, yeah they’re on the feature. I got Michelle Pfeiffer as some Queen Warrior in it. Can’t believe I haven’t banged her after all these years, that’s a bad job outta me. And oh yeah, Chuck Norris is gonna be the dog.

Sergio: Rufferto?

Max: Yeah, but like Gollum stuff where it’s all CGI Green screen whatever the fuck. 

Sergio: What about comics?

Max: Yeah I had Sandler interested but I think he’s trying to be some Ted Talk asshole now. Chapelle won’t do it cuz of optics. I mean your Africans look like Africans which, what the fuck do I know, is probably racist. I could probably get Bill Burr on as that Minstrel dude, he’ll take anything.

Sergio: No I mean comic books.

Max: What about them? 

Sergio: I write them.

Max: You want me to get you in at Marvel? No can do pal. Disney’s got that whole creative team wrapped around their cock so hard we call them the Pubes. You literally have to lick the frozen prostate of Walt Disney to even get a meeting over there and I heard it tastes like moldy Haggis so no dice. 

Best I can do is get the Grooster in a drag show for kindergartners that they do every Saturday in Burbank. Maybe if he wears a full leather body suit with his junk hanging out for a month or two they’ll take a meeting.

Sergio: Groo does not like junk he likes cheese dip.

Max: Cheese Dip huh? That’s what I called this broad I was dating from Torrance. Her poon smelt like rotten Jarlsberg cheese. She thought me dry heaving when I went down on her was me being turned on for some fucking reason.

Sergio: I have idea for -

Max: Why are you still here? [presses intercom] Annie? Get Zoo Tamale here a shave and a haircut and then send him to Zhushzy for a new wardrobe, thanks.

Okay, well, maybe he won’t be a complete obnoxious asshole but you get the idea. We need more Groo! Seriously, I’m not sure why there hasn’t been a Groo movie or a Saturday morning Groo TV Series yet. Why is there little to no Groo merch out there? This character is built for all kinds of stuff to buy that you don’t need: 

Groo Nose Slippers. Groo Cheese Dip Fondue Set. Groo Beer Coozys. Groo Drawers where you an put your stuff in the nose pouch!

I hope somebody doesn’t realize this 50 years from now when the Great Sergio may have already left us. All Groo tales will guarantee you a few actual laugh out louds. They will deliver a message and some hidden wisdom and will provide you enough cartooning detail in full page layouts than you can shake a lute at. So what gives? Give this legend some luuvvvv.

The current installment is pure Groo Formulaic Yumminess. Yes, it's the third arc of the series but you can easily jump on right now and not really miss a beat. Just because it's formulaic shouldn't dissuade anyone at all. I mean, you go to the same family run taco place over and over because their tacos never disappoint. You use the same dating profile over and over because the psychos it pulls never disappoints. Feels like comics in general are really intense and apocalyptic these days. Nothing wrong or silly for pulling out a Groo mid-week and taking a break from the 'world hangs in the balance' narrative.

While I was watching the circus that was our congress last week I couldn't help thinking 'We should just tell Groo that there's a fray in the House of Representatives and just let him loose'. A Groo-surrection may be what this country ultimately needs...and an organic cheese dip brand. 

Rating: 8.8

Verdict: Pull

BATMAN SPAWN - Review

 

Oy vey. What a mess. Eight bucks down the drain. Well, at least the cover was beautiful. I got the fancy acetate Jorge Jiminix one that you see above. It looked nice in my comic book rack for a week before I opened it up. Hey, sometimes comics are nothing but adornments or pretty trinkets. Kinda like a chunk of the women here in LA. They look beyond wow on the outside but then you open them up and it feels like you’re looking at an M.C. Escher painting drawn by a five year old. Before you know it you’re peeking around the corner of the gluten free/soups aisle in Whole Foods because you both shop there and that’s where you made your patented Cookie Monster Voice pick-up line ‘I like these gluten free cookies cuz gluten free cookies are for me’ moment that made her laugh and surrender her Insta. Pick-up lines at the produce section are for rookies. If I’m feeling super confident I’ll flex at the Hummus refrigerator like I’m Ryan Gosling in Crazy Stupid Love when he’s showing his ripped six pack to Emma ‘This sprouted Hummus will unlock your pineal gland’ hubba hubba hummus wink wink.

First things first, Greg Capullo is an Art Beast and his lines are just made for Batman. This book looked amazing, what a waste that he was teamed up with someone who forgot how to write a comic book. Maybe Todd should have made a Capullo line of McFarlane Batman Toys instead of writing like a teenager in his Freshman creative writing class. Once again a Publisher is taking something that was the greatest thing ever and putting a stinky cheese smear on it. By that I mean the ‘Court of Owls’ story line which was without question the greatest Batman storyline of the past 15 years. I relished every page of that run and when I realized they were dipping back into that plot well with this ‘One Shot to your Batman Heart’ book I immediately furrowed my brow and thought ‘oh man, they’re gonna poo on my happy memory aren’t they’, and poo they did.

I have never bought a Spawn book; never appealed to me. I don’t know much about him other than him being in Hell looking for his wife’s soul. That’s not really a big deal for me. People are looking for their partners souls all over Los Angeles all the time and they’re not doing it in Mexican Wrestler outfits with long windy capes; well some do, especially at Venice beach on the weekends. It’s not that hard to find someone’s soul either, we have a ‘Soul Tracker’ app out here. It’s kinda like Waze except you put in your significant other’s soul and the app tells you how to get past the security guards at Disney on each particular day. Maybe this Spawn guy needs to do what everyone else in LA does when they lose someone they love and go to Topanga Canyon to find some hippie pyschic medium so he could talk to her. Cmon Spawnie, stop traipsing around Hell and busting into Bob Iger’s sex dungeon, you wanna chat with wifey we got plenty of options here. If that doesn’t work just track down Jay-Z and ask him, he can probably point you in the right direction after he rips off a few mediocre bars of rhymes. Just go ‘That was dope’ and nod your head and you’ll be on your way.

There are so many WTF moments in this book it’s going to be hard to list all of them. First, there’s so many cheesy word pops in the lettering that give such an amateurish feel to the story. The night we turned into MONSTERS. Everything is colored in the crimson color of BLOOD. Which allows Batman to finally FIGHT BACK. You just might KILL THEM. Yeesh. Where’s the Biff Pow Splat of the Batman 66 TV Show. I’m just so DISAPPOINTED. This is the second comic in a row that I’ve read that has SUCKED. Leave my Court of Owls storyline ALONE. Did this really cost as much a Wonder Woman Historia? What a RIP OFF. 

The whole Joker scene with his strapped on skin face was totally useless and unnecessary other than giving Capullo free reign to draw his ass off. I don’t know what these dwarfish blue teethy things were at the end of his scene but I’d like to send them to McFarland Toys to gnaw on the staff’s scrotums. At least the Joker wasn’t getting pregnant and puking up his kid like he did in the book that just came out ’The Man Who Stopped Laughing’. Apparently Zatanna cast a spell that caused Jokes to create a kid in his parasite ridden acid bath of a stomach. I’d stop laughing too if some ex-voodoo chick who I sexted on Tinder got me to puke up a Tahini baby. So lemme get this straight you manifested a child in a dude’s stomach? I don’t see the Joker having the best diet in the world to allow for a kid to incubate in his belly cavern of death. I bet he subsists off of cheap Top Ramen and Twizzlers. Yes I said Twizzlers not Red Vines you West Coast psychopaths!!! Red vines taste like fucking CHALK! Chalk I say! A Twizzler is pure strawberry goodness you candy losers! 

Anyway, the Court of Owls doesn’t feel as menacing this time around and neither does the Owl Dude. They just look like a bunch of managers at Target who happen to be in suits and have some owl masks on hand. I wouldn’t be surprised if you’ll see Owl Masks on sale in the ‘Home Decor’ section of Target in a few weeks; made by McFarland Toys of course, $49.99 each. There’s a panel where Owl Dude is leaning against the wall and his tush is sticking out and, I dunno, it just made him feel more like a Halloween Costume loser than a guy who could rip your throat out; serious impostor vibes. I can’t really say how the story wrapped up, the ending was a bit muddled and I didn’t really follow the climax. I probably just gave up and looked at the rest of the pretty pictures until I could toss this over my shoulder. The Owl shmucks were all 'We made you we can kill you we'll send you to hell' That's what the people that make those Pop toys yell at each toy they make before they send it to market to be purchased by hobbyists who hate themselves with every purchase they make.

Todd, look, stick to the overpriced toys and leave my Owls alone. Spawn? Here let me help you, I just checked the Soul Tracker app. The guy at the main gate today, Friday, at Disney is named Manny. He likes plant based sausages and those Indian Papadum chips that you can get at Trader Joes. Just hand him those and whisper the words ‘Beelzebub's Balls taste like Molasses’ and he’ll let you in. You’ll probably find your wife in the Animation Department where they’re working on Snow White Privilege the sequel to Snow White. You’re welcome.

Rating: 6.0

Verdict: Well it’s a one shot so I can’t drop it from my pull, so I’m fucked.

ART BRUT #1 - Review

The first comic of 2023! Which one should I pick? Sooo many to choose from. It has to be spot on. Thematically appropriate; a killer out the gate. Hmm, how about this one, Art Brut? The cover is splashy, colorful and artistic, a reflection of what I want this year to be for me; a year of great Art! And Brut? Hmm, maybe it’s not Brute maybe they mean Brut, like Brut by Faberge the Cologne. Maybe this is the year I get my own babe in my very own classic Brut by Faberge Commercial...

My Brut commercial would be different though, instead of putting on a shirt, a hat and tie my girl will be getting naked and putting on a New York Knicks hoodie, fuzzy Batman pants and my Ra Optics nighttime blue blocking glasses. When I call she’ll be picking up some  poop from by dog in the yard. She’ll answer with a sexy ‘What the hell do you want, your dog is driving me nuts’ voice. Fire.

Oh look Prince is on the cover as some contributor! This is the perfect comic to begin the year, let’s do it. Well, once I opened up this comic it was like turds flew out from the pages and exploded all over my face. My face and chair looked like Jackson Pollack just frenetically splattered it with fecal paint. What the hell is this nightmare??? Nooo.

The Premise? Somebody is stealing/ruining art and killing people as well with their signature being the removal or alteration of their left eye. Okay, so is this some occult thing? Are the creators saying this is an occult thing or are they making a nod to their occult friends? Hard to say. I woud like to think the elite families of the world don’t need to put their stink on comic books as well but then you look at Marvel… Anyway, so some Detective Chick who's got a big ass Jody Whatley forehead goes to recruit some lunatic art dude from an insane asylum to help her track down the killer(s). 

Now right off the bat I'm annoyed because when she gets to the Loony Bin the nurse is running down the list of things the Lunatic is taking for his condition and gets to the fact that he’s taking homeopathic supplements which are doing nothing for him. Oh great another dipshit idiot denigrating alternative medicines. Dipshit writer idiot lists turmeric, oil of oregano and milk thistle as the remedies. Oh really those are doing nothing??? Well. Provided that you have high quality organic supplements the turmeric is effectively battling his inflammation the oregano is killing all his respiratory bacteria and the milk thistle is helping his liver which by the looks of it this guy definitely needs it (glug glug puke). Maybe if he wasn’t taking this stuff he wouldn’t be alive for this shit show.

This guy’s magic super hero power is that he can jump through paintings and go on the ‘other side’ of the art world. When he does so he meets his life size talking wooden mannequin that helps him fight the baddies. And I’m sure they love to take Thomas the Tank Engine through this world and maybe they can call on Aslan from the Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe to help as well. Oh look, there’s Elmo dressed like Basquiat ready to tackle the evil art thieves! Oh look, there’s me looking like Curious George in a lacy get-up and sneakers and I’m cursing everyone out for dreaming up this nonsense. Don't worry, we all join hands and sing 'The Lollipop Guild' song from The Wizard of Oz to make things better.

The worst part is at the end when the baddies bust into the room of the Mona Lisa and start spraying everyone with bullets. Really? Like, security at the fucking Louvre is so lax they could just waltz in with zero body armor looking like they’re straight out of a Kajagoogoo video and go on a murder spree? Is Adam West’s Batman about to make an entrance? How about the Pelosi’s drunk arguing? Goofus Doofus just jumps through a painting. Neat trick. I’ve been working on jumping into a cup of coffee and rolling away down the street on my next nightmarish dating app date.

I did a little digging and this all makes sense now. So this is a reprint of a series from 5 years ago called ‘The Electric Sublime’. I like that title a whole lot better than Art Brut. The Electric Sublime actually sounds like the name of a Prince song from 1983. Why they renamed it is beyond me. It’s from the same creators that are doing the current series ‘Ice Cream Man’ which didn’t grab my attention enough to pick up. Apparently it’s super popular and due to its popularity Image went ahead and repackaged something that these guys did before they got popular. Yeah, that never really works does it? Resurrecting old work to cash in on somebody’s current popular work?

Yo, you like this? What about this? This happened before this but since you love this then this must be just as great, right? Haha. Get it! Woo hoo!. And you do and…it sucks. Great so I started my year with a rehash of a piece of trash. So what is that telling me and you?

It’s telling us, hey, at least you recognize this is trash. Toss it! Let’s toss and discard all the repackaged repurposed rebranded art they throw at us from now on. Let’s demand new spectacular original works and flow our monies only to these efforts. The more we settle for pigs being painted and called bright white ponies the more they’re going to poop them out for us.

In honor of this deep resolve I am not bagging and boarding this comic. I am ripping it into shreds and trashing it. I tried tossing it through my friends painting but it didn’t make it to another dimension. Hopefully the LA Sanitation Department will have better luck. 

Rating: 3.5

Verdict: Incinerate

My 'Best Comics of 2022' is a perfect antidote to this swill. You can find them here:

Best Comic Books of 2022

December '22 Reading Round Up

Happy New Year! I’m writing this from the awe inspiring Santa Fe, New Mexico where rolling mountains and snow capped peaks dare you to not be amazed. A roaring fire crackles nearby, my diva angel feisty light being terrier sits at my feet and all is perfect. What has not been perfect are some of the books that made it to my La-Z-Boy this month. Oy vey as they say.

I finished ‘Dark Spaces: Wildfire #5’ and it was a dud of an ending. I think I need to view Scott Snyder as that player who had an amazing Rookie Season (Court of Owls) but who has scuffled ever since in trying to recapture that magic.  Got through another issue of Old Dog which was solid but nothing to spew extensive words about. I love me some Declan Shalvey so I’m not going anywhere.

Glad that everyone’s been checking out my ‘Best Comics of 2022’ posts. You can pop over to it here:

Best Comic Books of 2022

Here what filled my eyes and mind with comicy stuff this past month:

King Conan #1-6

Once Upon a Time at the End of the World #1

Ninja Funk #1

Old Ghoul #2

Kroma #1

Ronin Book II #1

MiracleMan: Silver Age #2

Daredevil #5

What’s the Furthest Place from Here #8

Lots of amayyyzing new books coming out this year and just picked up my December haul with copious amounts of gems. Thanks for checking out the page. Share it at will. Wishing you and yours the best for 2023.

- Issac

THE BEST COMIC BOOKS OF 2022

                  THE BEST COMIC BOOKS OF 2022

Why are all ‘Best Of’ lists a Top 10? Or Top 25? Top 100? Are you not allowed to have a list that doesn’t equate into denominations of 10s and 5s? I always wonder, are they squeezing stuff in to make it an even 25 or are they leaving a bunch out and if they are leaving a bunch out why not just extend the frikkin’ list???

Well, my Best Of List will be a Top 12 mmkay? Problem??? Nothing was left off, nothing was squeezed in these are legitimately the best Comics that I read all year. 2022 was the year of ‘One and Done's’. I don’t remember pulling so many first issues and trashing them before I got to issue 2.

I pulled 185 comics this year down from 250 last year and down from about 300 five years ago. So I’ve basically lost 10 titles a year which I would say is a direct reflection of the miserable direction Marvisney is headed coupled with the new norm of long layoffs between arcs of successful books and more and more shorter series. Look at all the books I’ve reviewed. Almost all of the are issues 1-4 or 5, maybe 6. Seems like creators are given shorter leashes and the market is being inundated with titles that are looking to stick to the wall like spaghetti.

What does that mean for comic geeks? It’s just like anything these days. They will over saturate your options to the point where you’ll have no choice but to pick up something. I mean, one of these new series has to be good right? Well, I’m not looking for good. I’m not interested in ‘myneh, that was okay’. I want great. I want ‘ooh, blank just dropped a new issue, yes!’ The comics below all fit the bill. As the guy from the Insta Account of ‘LA in a Minute’ would say “Let’s get into it!’

 

12. Defenders (2022) - This old school cosmic dimensional hopping mishmash team-up by Al Ewing & Javier Rodriguez brought back all the feels of those mind bending Marvel acid trips comics of the 60s and 70s. In a year of Marvisney misfires this one hit the mark dead center. Speaking of Marvisney, honorable mention to Daredevil (2022) which has been consistently great for years but has unfortunately gone downhill as of late. 

 

11. Chicken Devil - Nothing special about the plot but something special about the execution. This fast food co-owner/ average Joe/family guy pushed to the brink by the Russian Mob over a drug deal misunderstanding was a splatter fest that was spicy enough to stay on everyone's pull. In a year where you wanted to go out into public and go ballistic I'm sure we all now wonder if wearing a Chicken Suit will help us get away with it. How this is not a Streaming TV Show by now is beyond me.

 

 

10. Love Everlasting - Love! Romance! A time traveling   saga, a heartbreaking mess. Gimme Gimme Gimme. More Love! I love me some wooing and some smooch smooching and Tom King and new art superstar Elsa Charretier delivered the goods. I’m fascinated by what the hell is going on even though I don’t know what the hell is going on with Joan and all these dudes who either wanna kill her or marry her but I must find out. After Tom King’s triple time-lined Batman/Catwoman debacle he bounced back with this heart thumping winner. Grab it and demand more smooches and lovey dovey stuff in comics.

 

9. Pearl III - Michael Gaydos should probably get an Artist of the Year Award. What's next Mr. G? I will follow you anywhere you go. Bendis kept upping the ante on this phenomenal Yakuza Tat Artist Boss Babe story for three arcs in a row. The final installment of this series had enough twists and eye popping layouts to satisfy even the hardest of hardcore Tattoo Yakuza Frisco Tokyo Petite Albino Bad Ass lovers out there. A Streaming Show HAS to be on its way soon. If not, umm, hello? Stream. My TV. Soon.

 

8. Robin & Batman - I was super psyched when I saw that Lemire/Nguyen, the same team behind the perfectly done Descender/Ascender series, were doing a Robin Batman series and they did not disappoint. A unique twist on the Robin origin story that might bring a few tears to your eyes if you’re not careful. As for other great Batman books this year Honorable mention to White Knight by Sean Murphy and One Dark Knight by Jock which brought a rock em sock em Gotham black out tale to an electric life.

 

7. Echolands - J.H. Williams III and W. Haden Blackman literally turned the comic world on its side and created a horizontal book filled with all the amazing layouts you’ve come to crave since they dropped them in the classic New 52 Batwoman series. The story is nothing to write home about but the visual style blender is so visually holy fuckamoley good you don’t care. Plus the reveal of his insane vinyl collection in the back that provided the soundtrack to the creation of the book will probably make you cry over the piddly vinyl collection you just started recently.

 

6. King Conan (2022) - The Best Conan story in like forever. Probably the best since Brian Wood’s epic Dark Horse run. An emotional gut punch of a Father Son story paired with a ‘You have to team up with your mortal arch enemy Wizard wack job to defeat an island of zombies’ story. Leave it to Marvisney to screw everything up and cancel not only this series but Conan completely. Crom willing Titan Publishing will get it right when it starts Conan back up next year. In the meantime this is a six issue Conan run that will stand the test of time.

 

5. The Good Asian - A riveting Chinatown Detective story that overflowed with heart, history and heat. There was nothing like this series on the racks before, during and probably won't be anything like it long after the trades come out. What really made this series extra special was all the backmatter that included so many great interviews and historical references from those who experienced this part of America. It really rounded this book into an experience not to be missed.

4. Primordial - Sniffle. This one got me good. If you’re a doggie owner good luck in not bawling at the finale of this space traveling time bending tale. My goodness, I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall at this pitch meeting with Jeff Lemire ‘Two monkeys and a doggie in an inter-dimensional spaceship come home’ What??? GTFO. I’m not sure my Diva Doggie would’ve done well on this ship. She barely handles being stuffed like a pocketbook underneath an airline seat. 

 

 

 

3. Step by Bloody Step  - A book with no translatable dialogue. Instead it gave you so many beautiful haunting indelible images you realized that words would have just mucked up the genius. There are moments in this series that still stay with me months after I put it down. A truly unique tale. I won’t even begin to try and describe the story just grab the trade, take a seat and let this gorgeous work take you away on a fantastic journey.
 

 

 

 

2. Aquaman: Andromeda - Wait, an Aquaman book was better than all the other Batman books I read this year? Yes. Yes it was. Ram V and Christian Ward were a masterful duo that dragged you down to the depths of their combined genius and dared you to want to leave. Christian Ward is a beast when it comes to colors and his signature artistic style was made for this ‘Crew seeks out crashed Alien Ship’ tale. Ram V’s Aquaman was mystical, mysterious and deeply human. I was enthralled by every single page. A truly majestic perfectly woven story. Wow.

 

 

1. Catwoman: Lonely City - What if a villain, way past her prime, gets released from jail and tries to recapture her past glory while solving the mystery of her lover/rival? This was the alternative universe born out of the brilliant mind of Cliff Chiang who found the perfect future self for a host of villains including Poison Ivy, Killer Croc (who looked like a goombah in a Lower East Side bar. Of course he was a Mets fan lol) and the Riddler; all a little creakier and paunchier and all a lot more sympathetic. The finale was masterfully done with dire consequences for all. This was a triumph in every aspect of the medium and Chiang better have multiple books coming out in 2023.

Okay. I said Top 12. But I HAVE TO mention one of the greatest comic books I've ever experienced. An over the top Wow Fest. A Most Honorable and High Exalted Mention of the Year goes to...

 

 

Wonderwoman: Historia - Due to it’s protracted release schedule from last year to the end of this year (final issue just came out this week) it’s hard to call this 3 issue series a true 2022 comic; but oh what a comic it is. Actually this wasn’t really a comic, it was an event. I mean, I’ve never seen anything like this before. An Epic Deified Origin Story that laid waste to all epic origin stories that came before it. It harkened back to the spectacular Azzarello/Chiang Wonder Woman run of the New 52 a decade prior where The Gods were an integral part of the story and just blew the whole thing to the heavens and beyond. My God. Read this. A truly jaw dropping work by Kelly Sue DeConnick and three dazzling artists.

2022 was the year DC Black Label knocked it out of the fucking park. A complete moon shot, with titles I would never in a million years purchase let alone at the price points that they had them at. Yet with the talent they put together plus the stories and sublime art that poured into the pages of this holy moly triumvirate, this imprint went above and beyond what any Comic Geek could hope for. Take notes Marvel! Not to be outdone, Image continues to pump out eye blazing books month after month, year after year. Just get BKV and Staples back on their desks please and keep them there? Let's not have Saga go until 2087 mmmkay?

That’s it people!  Thanks for coming along or popping in every now and then to this page. I’m having a lot of fun with it and I see no reason to stop ranting and raving about these little mags filled with sequential art and words. In a world and time where the big things seem so much larger than they are, it’s the little things that remind you to take a breath, pull up a chair, and let your imagination run free.

As Billy Ray Valentine said in Trading Places: Merry New Year!