Conan. Yes. Love. I would consider myself a Conan-sseur, buh dump bump psssh.
I know good Conan from bad Conan like I know good coffee from cheap crappy coffee. I have the novels, the magazines, the old school Marvel comics, the wrinkled ragged black and white Savage Sword magazines, the Dark Horse compendums, the movies on VHS; all of it. When Marvel reacquired the Conan license I was…concerned. Conan didn’t really fit in the new Disney Marvel Universe. He’s an unapologetic asshole/womanizer who wouldn’t think twice about slicing the head off of a wizard. If he was left to roam in the Marvel offices he wouldn’t find any wizards but he’d find CGI animators and he’d probably lop their heads off and throw a hipster editorial chick over his shoulder while crashing through a window; just because.
Marvel predictably celebrated his return and promised oodles of new Conan tales by creators who loved and honored his legacy, mm hmm. The first offerings out of the chute by Marvel were…mnyeh. They weren’t bad but they weren’t wow. The reboot of the Conan the Barbarian title was simplistic, formulaic and didn’t really offer up any new insight or angle towards the character. It was like they just acquired a wonky European car and took it around the Burbank neighborhood for a spin or two. I dropped it from my pull list. Meanwhile, over at Ablaze Comics they were reprinting old Robert E Howard Conan stories and illustrating them over the course of three issues. Since the stories were in public domain due to being published over 75 years ago they got away with it. They named the comics ‘The Cimmerian’ instead of Conan and promised an uncensored brutal Conan unlike ever before. The comics were hit and miss, some great some not but what made them special is that they reprinted the actual stories in the back of the comics for you to read which was great. So I was happy to get my Conan fix from them until Marvel came along with King Conan.
King Conan’s creative team of Aaron, Asrar and Wilson were fantastic and well, they just got it. They keyed into the essence of the entire Conan dynamic and the start of the series was pure Conan yumminess. It was a great premise: King Conan and his arch nemesis Thoth-Amon were stranded on an island in the middle of nowhere haunted by Zombie shipmen and pirates who had crashed there over the years. The Zombies were led by some crazy sorceress chick who was cursed to remain on the island forever and Conan and Thoth were forced to join forces in order to defeat the psycho wizard babe. The creative team balanced that story with a story of Conan and his son dueling their wits and brawn over the future of the crown of Aquilonia. Fuck. Yes. Now, this series ended months upon months ago but the reason I’m just getting to it now is because of my comic book shop.
My local comic book shop is a tiny hole in the wall on Melrose and they get shorted books all of the time. I suppose it’s distributors or publishing companies figuring that if they screw this shop over nothing’s going to happen to them, and they’re right. If you’re a tiny store of anything who cares if you don’t get what you need to sell, you’re tiny, wah wah wah, you’re not paying our logistic bills. Just die and become a Target already jeez. Welcome to the modern world of retail. At any rate, my King Conan #4 didn’t ship and it took forever to come in. I finally got it and the remaining issues of the series recently and so here we are, and…holy fookamoley, this story gets uhhhhmayzingly good. Dude.
Issue 4 was a Daddy Son emotional heart bomb of a story I was not expecting. I don’t think I’ve ever seen the King/Prince Conan relationship done in such a way. The final panel was kind of a tearjerker, not gonna lie. I had to turn the book over and look at the cover, this is Marvel right? Is Marvel hitting a homerun here? Issue 5 presented a Thoth Amon origin story that was so on the money I wish there was a Conan Evil Wizard story Award I could bestow upon this comic. I think that should be an awards show: Evil Villains and Asshole Awards. Like, let’s acknowledge all the great actors and characters that make up the antagonists of the world. Either that or just stream any conference the World Economic Forum is having where Klaus Anal Schwab is talking; my goodness that guy needs to be hunted by Bond and thrown to some sharks or ejected into space while going Booooooooooonddddd!
The climactic issue of this series just brought everything home, it was like a Conan cupcake in a baking competition that someone was tasked to bake and who won the cupcake of the week or whatever. Seriously, why can’t a shop in LA just recreate all the pastries, cakes, cookies and whatever that they do on these baking shows so I can eat all of them? It’s pastry porn and I’m tired of the visual masturbation I want the real thing Food Network et al! So the final panel has Conan sailing off into the distance and immediately I go…oh fuck, no way! I turn to the letters column and read the send off of the editor and sure enough…they’re cancelling this series. WHAT? WHY? Why on earth would you cancel the best Conan comic that’s come down the pike since Brian Wood? What the hell Marvel? You finally hit a homerun and retire the book? Was this written by Roy Hobbs? Oh wait a minute I know why…
It’s Conan isn’t it? He doesn’t fit in the new Marvel Way? Him and his toxic masculinity? Were there discussions to paint his hair blue and put him in a tutu??? Can’t have a guy slashing his way through life and banging whomever he wants right? Maybe he needs to get with the new Hulk and a have a good cry before he gets a title again. Jeez, so there’s no more Conan books! You fucking cancelled Conan! After a genius story! That may or may not have had me sob a bit. WTF???
I calmed down and did a bit of googlyboogly and saw an article that said Marvel’s letting the license for Conan expire and Titan Books is picking up the rights to publish new material. Okay, I’ve calmed down a little bit more but seriously Marvel? Do you have a problem creating amazing comics? Stan Lee's sign off was Excelsior! Which loosely translates to ever upward. Have you changed your saying to Ordinarius! While we’re on the subject of a new home for Conan have we really cancelled Brian Wood forever?
Brian Wood’s run on Dark Horse was the greatest Conan run in recent memory. Now, apparently he did some yucky things to women. I daresay it wasn’t Harvey Weinstein yucky but yucky nonetheless, so, is that it? No more Brian Wood comics? Titan can you call Brian and maybe work out a mea culpa or something? Have a female creative/editorial team surround him and love and lead him on the right path? I did some digging on Brian Wood’s accusations and it’s a lot of him being a douchebag in a bar. Okay, I mean if we’re going to disallow bar douchebags from working I think we’d lose 80% of our entire government at every level and probably 90% of our professional athletes and musicians. Now Brian also did this while he was married with a pregnant wife or girlfriend, not sure, okay, so, clearly d-bag a-hole, fine. But he can’t work anymore? He’s untouchable? Has the market made that determination or social media?
Here’s another woman who came out as another accuser of Brian Wood. This is her story:
So, lemme get this straight. You clearly are low self worth needing validation. You meet this guy at a bar, you’re psyched, he takes you around the block, he goes to kiss you, you say no, he says okay, takes you back to the bar. Later on he says ‘Yeah this chick wanted me but I said no’. Mmkay. So, dick move? Yes. But, don’t you ever set foot in a Comic Book office again move? Read what she wrote. What do you think?
Anyway, phew, I’m whooped. Titan, come with that roughneck Conan bidness boyee. The world needs Conan. The world will always need Conan and by Crom you’ll never get rid of him!
Rating: 9.5
Verdict: #FreeConanfromDisney’sClutches
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