PENTHOUSE #2 - Review

 

Penthouse is baby got back for some more big phat ass stories! First, that is one juicy beefsteak tomato on the cover although, as I’ve stated before, I’m not a fan of the tats. I think Bel Biv Devoe’s iconic song ‘Poison’ should be updated and the lyric changed to: ‘Never trust a Big Butt and a Tattoo Sleeve’.  Generally speaking, the more tats you got the more trauma you’ve endured and the more pain you get off on; at least that’s what Freud basically says about tats. This Blonde on the cover wants nothing to do with you comic geeks out there unless you’re rolling in Crypto Cash and can sweep her away to Tulum with 25k and a mound of coke. That said, nothing wrong with a plump tucchus to start your comic book reading in the morning.

 

The first page of this second installment mentions that their first issue sold 30,000 copies, wow! That sounds like a lot. That also tracks with the approach of selling to horny lonely comic dudes, ‘Hey buy this $10 ‘comic book’ that just happens to have a bunch of naked babes in it.’. Despite the copious amounts of tits and ass, the first issue was pretty fucking awful as far as the stories went. Yet the format was sound and if they could fix the content it had immense potential, so I begrudgingly dropped another 10 spot on this offering. It was like going out on a second date with a brain dead hottie, maybe you’ll get some, maybe her dumb girl antics are just an act and she’s really intelligent and insightful, or maybe she’ll bang the bus boy and the valet in the bathroom while you’re waiting for the chocolate lava cake to arrive.

 

 

 

 

To their credit, Penthouse apologized for their typos and messy first issue and promised even better stories going forward. They even added a fifth story to this issue compared to just four for the previous one. Maybe they just threw this thing together for shits and giggles and were shocked it sold so many issues and now they realize they have a golden goose butt on their face so they’re making sure it’s legit. Anyway, let’s breakdown the parts of this Ass Parade.

 

The Dead All Have the Same Skin – A large chiseled bouncer who is Black but looks white works a club where there’s a gambling room on the second floor and, I think a brothel on the third floor? There’s also a room with drawn curtains for fetish shit on the second? And, umm, plot? Can I get one? I’m not sure what the conflict is here or why I should care about anybody. It was set-up that this dude is Black, but looks white, and – so what? Is that a key part of your story? All I get is, some Bright Skinned Black Dude breaks up a fight and then bangs a ho in the backseat of his car. Whoop de fucking do. This is the last panel of the story:

 

 

 

 

This is what the Editors of Marvisney look like after they get off the phone with whomever is writing their comics for them. They’re literally jizzing over how genius they think their notes and suggestions are despite the fact that their comics are all but unreadable. My goodness, how many more installments of this do I have to bite the palm of my hand through??? Seriously, are these new comics or did they dust them off from years ago and throw them into this anthology? I never read Penthouse, was this how the comics were, these stories are fucking brutal. Oy vey. Not a good start. This was definitely not foreplay, rather a knee to the nuts.

 

 

 I Spit on Your Grave - I vaguely remember what the hell this story was about. Some blonde hunk dude goes to a small town, meets up with some hot young people, they jump in a lake all naked, he bangs the hot girls and then I dunno, I didn’t give a shit so I forgot. Now he’s at the lake, some rich dude shows up, now he’s at a rich party in a tux and he wants to bang the rich girls in the fancy dresses. Everyone leaves and as he’s carrying one of the rich chicks into a house where there’s an after party, she pukes. Maybe it was from drinking too much, maybe it was from realizing she’s in an awful comic anthology that only sold because of a juicy tucchus on the cover. 

 

 

It may seem like I’m oversimplifying the story but honestly, I can’t make heads or tales of what the fucking plot is other than waiting for the blonde hunk to plow some poon chowder. From the looks of it, seems like the creators are all foreign, did this get lost in translation. Maybe it’s a genius piece of literature and some comic geek at Penthouse hopped up on Mountain Dew, cocaine and surrounded by porn is making some awful decisions in deciphering the story.

 

This story should have been renamed I Spit on Your $10 Tucchus Comix.

 

 

Miss October – I still have no idea what the fuck is going on in this story. It looks great, although so many of the characters appear to be too similar so I lose track of who’s who and what the hell they want. Somebody’s murdering Playmates and taking pictures of them after. Seems a bit dark considering Penthouse was the Bunny’s main comp for so many years but whatever. There’s also this hot Blonde rich girl who’s now a Cat Burglar stealing jewelry and fencing it. I don’t know how this connects to the main plot but since there doesn’t seem to be one maybe it doesn’t matter. There’s lots of handwritten notes and cool 60s LA scenery. There’s some nice au natural 60s sex with corsets and the like. It’s basically a glorified Mad Men meets Chinatown kinda vibe. 

 

It’s all very pretty to look at but confusing as hell. I get enough of that walking around La La Land these days. This is just part two of eight? Oy vey. It’s supposedly not coming back until October, maybe by then it’ll – oh who am I kidding, it’ll still be pretty and a head scratcher. Just cancel the remaining 6 installments, admit failure, and move on. Just say Matt Fraction was actually writing this story and we’ll forget it ever began.

 

 

The Dream – Another WTF is going on/why am I reading this disjointed plot experience. The Adonis dude who performed sex in a club until a psycho Asian Chick who’s the daughter of a Gangster forced him to leave with her after his Sex Partner/GF was kicked in the ribs and left in the street, is back from the first installment, whoopee! We start with the GF and her broken ribs who’s sitting outside topless with bandages under her boobs. I suppose topless sunbathing helps your ribs heal faster. Given how this story is going I assume she’ll burn her butt in this installment and we’ll see her with her ass out and a bandage around her waist in the next issue.

 

The Adonis Dude is now auditioning for a film for a creepy director with an eyepatch. I’ve been in the entertainment business for over 40 years and I have yet to meet anybody who wears an eyepatch. They’re called sunglasses. That’s what they wear. Sun-fucking-glasses. He then is told to sit on a couch in front a large painting to read his lines. The painting is of a bunch of demons having an orgy with a bunch of naked chicks. Now, I've been on my share of auditions in my life. I gotta say, no matter how young, stupid or naive I was if some creepy dude in an eye patch gave me a script and told me to sit in front of a painting of a demon orgy I'm pretty sure I'd ask where bathroom was and then sprint to my car. Oh, and when this Adonis loser reads his lines the painting comes to life. Why? I have no fucking idea. I also have no fucking idea if Penthouse honors refunds. It gets worse.

The Creepy Eye Patch drives over to the Topless Broken Ribs chick to give her a car for her troubles. Then, he takes the keys back, says hold up, goes and finds a guy named 'Jack the Rat' (I am not making this up) hits and kills him with the car then returns to Broken Ribs Babe with a busted bumper and blood on it and says 'Here, now you can have it'. Given the absurdity of this scene I'm surprised she didn't ask if the insurance was with Geico cuz she likes little talking lizards up her butt. 

 

 

 

 

This nonsense installment ends with the Adonis going back to film a scene with Herr Eye Patch and is introduced to a short haired pale skinned goth chick with tats all over her called 'The Strange'. Maybe if she was dressed like a Naughty Dr. Strange with an 'Eye of Cumonahoho' shaped like a poon it would have saved this story or at least made for an interesting cooch-hanger.

I think they need to add these Penthouse Comixx to Writing Program Curriculum so students can be presented with what exactly not to do if you're interested in crafting an engaging story.

 

 

Gun Crazy - Finally they ended the barrage of word death with what I considered one of the most ridiculous fucking premises in the history of premises. I'm still beside myself as to how they came up with this one. So, two Lesbian Lovers, who are not white at all, who meet in the army, decide that they're going to disguise themselves in make-up so that they look white. Then, they're going to strip for the drek of society, who obviously must be in Biker Bars. As they strip their make-up will fade and then what that happens they're going to take out their guns and murder everyone in the bar.

 

 

Here's an idea: Why don't they strip for all the Politicians in DC instead? You're looking for the scum of the earth, well, most of them are there, have at it! It's so banal and reductive it hurt my eyes. Well,  there's zero mention of it or them in this installment, instead we get SuperWhiteMan. A new kind of Racist Superhero dressed in a Ku Klux outfit of some sort who, I dunno, bangs Native American women and then kills them. Oy vey.

Lastly we get a pin-up shoot of some squat, petite Brunette who poses in the dark under a neon sign that says 'Fuck, Marry, Kill'. I'm not sure if that's what you'd do to her if you started dating her or if that's her modus operandi. Yes yes I get that there's a game with the same name yet by the looks of this chick with this type of setting I'm completely freaked out by her and probably won't date another petite brunette for at least, well, okay, I'll date her another one, but, not if she has these psycho eyes. Okay, they all kinda do, okay, well, I'll date her yet ask her explicitly if she's ever murdered anyone, there, see, taking precautions.

It’s apropos that a hot blonde with a beefsteak tomato rumpus would entice me to drop some of my hard earned comic book cashish on this book, those types are usually very good at convincing me to do shit I wouldn’t necessarily do. After reading through these stories I feel yucky. This anthology is like if a hot blonde met me on the street in LA and invited me to a house party. Me, being the goofus and sucker that I can be, probably thought she was interested in me. So I go to the party, I end up having to pay to get in. I meet and talk with 5 different brain dead babes who make zero sense at all and bore me to tears. I find out the blonde has a boyfriend and then I’m stalked by some petite brunette with psycho eyes who forces me to sprint out of the house and evade her in the winding streets of the Hollywood Hills until I get cell reception. Yeesh, what a fucking nightmare. 

 

 

I actually did that once. Some chick at a party in the hills was freaking me out and I had to wander around outside for like 30 minutes until I got reception to call an Uber. After the Uber picked me up I immediately passed her also randomly walking around. Was she also looking for cell reception or was she looking for me to put me in a duffel bag and drag me to Mexico?

 

 

Penthouse, I’m done with your Anthology Disaster. I feel gross, as if I’ve flipped a channel to a hot sensuous sex scene, yet it somehow devolved into a gangbang bukkake fest with a bunch of dudes who look like Klaus Schwab. Now, you did tease the fact that you’ve got a bunch of other projects, that seem more cohesive and interesting, that you’ll be releasing under your imprint. Looks like either some graphic novels, or one-shots, or maybe a monthly, I can’t tell. The subject matter seemed cool. I'm down to give those a shot despite these disasters that cost me $20. It's like I paid for a lapdance and all the Strippers in the club formed a line in front of me and pooted.

 

 

 

Look, the market desperately needs adult, erotic, sexy titles so there is a void that needs filling. Unfortunately, what you’ve filled it with it so far is a floppy dildo made out of the most inane, ridiculous and mind numbing plots known to mankind. Give us some stories that vibrate, characters that tickle our brown eyes and maybe we’ll drop that $10 a month you obviously need to pay psychopathic crazy eyed chicks to do photo-shoots with you.

 

Fuck, Marry, Kill? More like: Read, Fart, Drop.

 

 

RATING: 1.3

VERDICT: Drop and Run

PENTHOUSE COMICS #1 - Review

 

Back in the day when you were a kid that hit puberty one of the first things that shorted your circuits and flipped your hormones out were nudie mags. Oh my God, girls look like this? Where? How? Wait, was Miss May at my Bar-Mitzvah, she looks familiar. Playboy was the mag of choice for most pre-pubescent boys as far I knew. It was the Centerfold that gave you palpitations and froze you into a slack-jawed drooling mess. Nobody gave a shit about the magazine, you just flipped to the part with the Miss Babe of the Month and stared. The only thing that might have caught your eye were the cartoons for a second but that was it.

 

Penthouse was the next level up in the nudie mag department. It was raunchier and way more graphic. Most older brothers didn’t have Penthouse stowed away in their closets. The first time you laid your eyes on a Penthouse mag was probably at camp or at a sleepover at the house of the kid with the dysfunctional family that had an older brother who rode a motorcycle and had a pack of cigarettes rolled up in his shirt sleeve. As for Hustler, well, that was full out nasty dirty porn and way too much for most kids. Hustler was always way the top on the magazine racks at the corner store. You would squint and raise up on your Keds to see what was going on up there and it was always a bit shocking.

 

Anyway, seeing something comic book related being put out by Penthouse definitely took me back to middle school days. I had no idea there were any ‘comics’ in old school Penthouse mags and if there were, I was intrigued. Were they great? Were they just sexy or were the stories actually good? Did any of the babes ever dress up as Batgirl? Playboy was definitely a Super Girl nudie mag. Penthouse a potential Batgirl nudie mag. Hustler was a Scarlet Witch with crotchless panties whipping a naked Vision Dude hung upside down with a dildo protruding from his forehead nudie mag; you know I'm right.

 

I’m usually not into anthology type comics but with the magazine format and price tag I assumed there’d be enough page count to have it actually present a major chunk of a story and hey, nothing wrong with a naked chick in a photo shoot to bring back memories of the simpler days of nudie mags and spin the bottle parties; so I pulled an issue. It was a little off putting having to see like, ten NSFW variants being offered. It’s one thing asking your LCS to pull the XXX Sex Criminals variant. It’s another to decide which naked chick appeals to you the most and then ask your LCS to make sure they get her for you. Yeah, that feels a little dirty. That’s walking into a 42^nd Street XXX Store in the 90s vibes, for sure.

 

So how was it? Well, it was pretty bad, BUT I think there’s potential here. Let’s break down this Poon-thology comic tit by tit:

 

The Dream - A sex club is the opening scene for the mind-numbingly bad story drawn by one of the great artists of the industry: Guillem March. I love March’s work. His 'Karmen' book was one of my absolute fave books of 2020. That book had a lot of panels where a naked girl was flying around Spain, what’s not to love? This however, I mean, blecch. Some Adonis looking dude hung like a horse bangs his girlfriend on stage at a sex club. Some reporter shows up to the club. The same night, some hot heartless Asian who’s the daughter of some gangster shows up as well. After the show, her Goons attack the girlfriend/stage sex partner of the Adonis dude outside. They kick her in the ribs repeatedly. Umm what? The dude then is forced to go with the Asian and he ends up on some bluff where she tells him to bang her. She also tells him to enjoy it while he can because she’s gonna get tired of him eventually and dump him. And I’m supposed to root for who exactly? And I care  about any of this, why? Who’s the sympathetic figure here? The Adonis who left his girlfriend with broken ribs on the street? The reporter who did nothing about it? The Asian twat-aroonski who demands Adonis meat? This is like an atrocious plot for one of those late night Cinemax movies that you watch when you’re a teenager simply because you’re waiting for the sex scenes. That might work when you’re a raging hormone horndog but not when you’re reading a comic book with your coffee in the morning. Trash. March is amazing and he kicked ass on the art but I’m pouting after this story and so is my dong.

 

Verdict: Flaccid

Gun Crazy - This may be one of the worst stories of any genre that I’ve read in a while. I’m befuddled as to how this was allowed to go to print. Perhaps the Lesbo sex and copious titty shots were supposed to blind us from the text we were reading. Two chicks who met in the army in Afghanistan fall for each other and then actualize themselves as full on Lesbians. Fine. Then, I dunno, they meet some Afghan Lesbian and then, they all bang and then, I dunno, somehow the two American chicks end up up with concealed guns in a redneck titty bar. They proceed to dance seductively for the rednecks in ‘Trump Country’ who look goofy, ugly and stupid as all get out. They’re wearing make-up all over their body to conceal the fact that they’re Black and Latina. Due to them sweating while shaking their T&A the make-up wears off and of course all the racists, which you must be if you’re a redneck in a bar with a torn off jean jacket, scream foul and pull their guns on them – because that’s obviously what racists do when they find out that the girls dancing for them aren’t actually White. Oy vey. This gives the Lesbians justification to take out guns that somehow were concealed on the bottom of their shoes and murder everyone in the bar including killing a guy with a swastika on his arm with an axe to his head. How fucking ridiculous. Why. Why. Why. Hey hot Lesbian girlfriend, let’s fake out some rednecks so they think we’re white so we can kill them when they realize we’re not. That’s your plot? Am I supposed to be rooting for these girls? Why? Because they became who they were meant to be sexually? What absolute drivel. Now mind you, the art was actually terrific. It’s a shame that Jef (that's who they say the Artist was, feels like a pseudonym and I don't blame him) worked on this. I hope he gets better assignments because it was beautifully drawn. But my goodness, what a shitty story.

 

Verdict: Scared Turtle

 

 

Miss October - Next there’s this noir story. I don’t think it’s noir. I think it’s more like mud. Yeah, it’s a new genre called Mud. How it works is you start reading the first few pages and then you get stuck, because you don’t know what the fuck is going on or why. You keep reading but then you keep turning back to the page that you got stuck on, it’s really cool! You’re like, ‘Wait, what the fuck? Who is who now? How did – huh? Kudos to this creative team for inventing a completely new literary experience. Dude, I have no idea. Like, there’s this hot babe in the early 1960s and she’s robbing some expensive artifacts from UCLA. She gets caught by a cop but then doesn’t. She knows him but then we jump back a couple of years and, is this the same guy? He’s not a cop anymore or is he? There’s somebody killing playmates one by one. Is she also a character? I don’t know. Is the cop her ex? I don’t know. Everybody kind of looks the same. The art is sweet but, I’m lost.

 

Again if this was Cinemax in the 80s or 90s or The Hitchhiker on HBO (oh my goodness do yo guys remember The Hitchhiker show??? Major Late Night Boners) you wouldn’t give a shit about the plot because you were a horny teen just jonesin (does anybody even say Jonesin’ anymore? I do!) for some titties. But there's no fast forwarding on Cinemax so you have to endure the bad writing but it in a way it makes it hotter because all the girls are sexy and they’re wearing sexy clothes and you know you’re gonna see tits eventually so you relax and somehow enjoy the bad acting. Yet, I’m not a horny teen and this is a comic book, so, yeah this is pretty wack. Kudos again to the Artist for drawing up a storm. I really enjoyed the art.

 

Verdict: Major Shrinkage

 

 

After reading a trio brain cell obliterating stories the first thing I obviously want to do is a Word Search where I get to locate my fave Porn Stars. Thank you Penthouse Comics for making that happen. Usually you see people working on Word Searches on a subway or a plane. I can’t wait to ask my next seat neighbor to help me find Rotten, especially when I tell them it’s the name of an up and cumming nudie starr. Seriously? C'mon XXX Industry, you called a girl Rotten? You couldn’t use Nasty, or Trollop or Devious? Rotten??? Who’s next? Despicable? Yucky? Mold?

 

Next up was a breakdown of the budget of porn films throughout the years. I'm not sure why they felt this was necessary for a comics anthology. Are they trying to secure funding for this book? Are they making a new movie called 'Shrinkage: Curse of the Scared Turtle'? This was filler if I ever saw filler, but, I dunno, interesting. I guess they're saying, look we can drop less than 1m and make a huge profit on our films. Maybe Disney should take notice and just release the subliminal dick versions of all their movies where the dicks are clearly displayed. Maybe if they charge an arm and a leg for those releases they can make another Star Wars film that ruins your childhood more.

 

There's an article on the success of their 'Pirates of the Caribbean' sex parody. Not sure why this is in here but the names for other popular parodies were listed as well and my goodness these are fucking fantastic: Assventure Time, Hand Solo and Spongeknob Squarenuts, hahahahahahahahaaaaa. I dare you to Google Spongeknob Squarenuts.

 

Finally there's a Nudie Photoshoot to finish you off. Yeah, hmm, this girl, I dunno, not for me. This chick has sooo many tats it's bonkers. I'm just not into tats. I looked her up when she's not glossed over and photo-shopped and, wow, she's really cute. Maybe posing her in a Mechanic Shop didn't do it for me. I mean, a babe placing wrenches and car gear over her naughty bits, not a turn on for me. 

 

 

You know what would've been a turn on? If she was posing with paid invoices for expensive auto work! Like, here's a paid invoice for the transmission you need fixed on your classic car (which I need fixed). Ooh yeah, baby, I took care of it. Now, I'm a blubbering mess. Maybe that should be an idea for a sexy photo shoot: Women and Invoices marked 'Paid'. For the record, I looked for an image of a Babe holding a paid invoice over her body and could not find one. This is a niche that needs filling! 

 

Anyway, long deep sigh. Look, I think this has the makings of a great format, I really do. Despite the fact that the stories were atrocious the art for all of them was exquisitely done; each with a distinctive style. Maybe Artists are like ‘Hell yeah I’ll draw some tits’ but maybe Writers are thinking ‘I’m not sure I wanna be associated with Penthouse’, so they’ve declined an invitation. 

 

You know who Penthouse should recruit? Sean Murphy! It's a perfect match! DC has basically dumped him and he's toiling with a low visibility publisher right now putting out mnyeh not-so-great comics. His hot wife writes erotica, c'mon Murph! Show us your naughty side! Or better yet bring your wife in and put out some world class sexy stories. 

I'm down to check out one or maybe two more of these Nudie Comixxx Anthologies but for 10 bones a pop you're gonna have to drop a story or feature that brings the turtle out of his shell, na'mean?

 

Rating: 5.6

Verdict: Worth another Pull but not a long Yank.