Bags, Boards and Burns - A City & Industry Up in Smoke

 

 

LA is weird right now. It’s been weird for a minute. The fires not only ravaged the city but they also ravaged the psyche of Angelenos; it was an unfathomable event that is still smoldering in the hearts of the people who live here. It feels like everyone has been trudging through sludge for the past month or so including yours truly. It’s not so much that the fires have exacted such an unflinching toll on everyone, rather it was more like they were the final body blow from a series of gut punches that LA has endured for the past 5 years. From the Pandemic hysteria to the Strikes to the upheaval in the Industry and now to the destruction of neighborhoods that meant so much to so many, there’s only so much you can take before it feels like the world has it out for you. Hell, today due to torrential rains we had mud slides wreaking havoc all over the city. Seriously what’s next? Locusts? Should I smudge my front door with some Lamb’s blood???

As I sat there watching LA go up in flames of course my mind drifted towards the things I love about LA. I will say this, no major Comic Book Shops went up in flames in the Pacific Palisades, Malibu or Altadena; at least none of note. Which got me thinking, there really isn’t a Mecca Destination for Comic Books in LA anymore. There used to be, it was Meltdown Comics. Meltdown Comics on Sunset near WeHo embodied everything great about being a Comic Geek. Within their cavernous space (at least for LA standards) one could find any and everything: new issues, back issues, graphic novels, toys, memorabilia, fashion, oversized knicknacks and doodads. There were tables to play D&D and other board games and if that wasn’t enough there was a back room where they held Comedy nights that drew some of the top Comedians in town. It was said that Matt Groening would pop in and just sit in the back to take in a show every now and then. Well of course he did, there was no place in LA where he could go and truly feel at home; he got to be just another nerd who loves comics just like anyone else.

I knew one of the guys who owned it pretty well from coming in so much. I remember when it was just a normal comic shop on the North Side of the street when I first moved to LA in 2000; they were a few blocks away from me. When they moved into the big space across the street it was like God answered my prayers for a legendary comic book shop. Well, Meltdown closed years ago and since then nothing has taken its place, which feels deeply wrong since LA is ostensibly the Comic Book Capital of the World now that both DC & Marvel have decamped from NYC to sunnier climes. Perhaps it’s a true indicator that the Big 2 really don’t give a shit about the actual comic books that fuel their movies and their IP (oy I hate that fucking word, IP, IP has ruined entertainment). One would think that if they really did love comic books they would combine their might and create a place where the ideas that made them who they are could be celebrated and shared with the masses. Nope, none of that. There’s a bunch of little cool shops here and there in LA but nothing overly special. My LCS is basically a hole in the wall but I’ve been going there for years and it suits me just fine. San Diego Comic Con doesn’t count, that’s just a circus and a Sales Pitch-athon and the fact that a normal comic book dude like me hasn’t been able to get into it once underscores the fact that it’s not really for normal comic book dudes.

January used to be a big month for comics, at least it seemed like that was the case to me. Looking back over the years my pull numbers show that January and February were big months for new releases and for publishers to ramp up current series or reveal their upcoming gems. Even as recently as 3 years ago I was yanking 20 books a month in both Jan and Feb. Ten years ago I was pulling 30. This year? 9. Nine, with two being facsimiles. WTF? According to this article, retailers are saying that the Industry is on the upswing and that they’re doing really well, so is it me? They’re extolling the virtues of the ‘Absolute DC’ line as one of the big drivers of sales. Look, I’m pulling both Bats and Dubz from that line and, well, yes they’re really good but they’re not oh my goodness fucking spectacular. The New 52? That was spectacular. Are you gonna tell me that Absolute Bats and Dubz are better than New 52’s Snyder’s ‘Court of Owls’ and Azzarello and Chiang’s ‘Wonder Woman’ run?? No, no you’re not. So, I think what’s happening is that it’s been so bad for so long and titles have just been cratering that when something half decent comes along people lose their minds. I would say that’s the same for the music and film industry as well. There's so much caca that when something comes along that doesn't soil your soul it comes off as genius. It's also an offshoot of the fact that content has become so over saturated it's almost impossible to sift through it all to find the greatness.

I believe things will change and yes there is still some amazing stuff out there, I’m looking at you DSTLRY. But man, it’s been fucking rough. With so few comics on my rack these days I started reading a novel that’s been sitting near my La-Z-Boy in what feels like forever, it’s Cold Mountain. I wanted to jump in front of a moving car after the first 16 pages. Maybe I’ll join a book club. Maybe I’ll make more of an effort to get into Anime. Maybe I’ll find a challenging puzzle! Oh who am I kidding, c’mon people, make some fucking unbelievable comic books! Oy. Nine. Nine this month. Googling Batman Puzzles...ooh this one looks good!

Here’s what I got into this past month or so:

 

I just put this down and, wow. I mean, wow, Snyder crushes this one over the fence. I'm not a huge gritty gruesome crime drama. true crime, serial killer guy but when I saw Snyder and Jock together it was a no brainer to grab this. It was perfectly done, like, there's really nothing bad you can say about this book. They deftly set the tone, drew you in, had strong characters and set up the plot with a cliffhanger as well as you possibly could. If this was a Pilot episode you'd binge the entire series. After Snyder's Wack 'White Boat' debacle on DSTLRY this is a heroic dub. This comic saved the beginning of my 2025 Comic Book Experience, thanks Scott & Jock 9.7

 

This 'Absolute Dubz' series is picking up steam and becoming a real page turner. My question is this, you’re saying that these ‘Absolute’ books are All In, right? So it stands to reason that your other books aren’t all in, right? I would go so far to say that most of what DC is putting is either halfway in or just full on the fuck out. Maybe what DC should do is put ‘Just the Tip’ on their normal comics so comic geeks know ahead of time to not expect a Wham Bam story. I will say this, having Dubz connected to Circe while affirming that her exile to Hell was by the Gods really makes me pine for the days when Azzarello and Chiang were writing that Dubz story line with all the Greek Gods. I know I probably mention that run at least once every two months or every other paragraph; shrug emoji. Regardless, Thompson, Sherman and Bellaire are putting together a real humdinger of a first arc that is definitely all up in that goody good. How much to bribe a DC Lackey to put 'Just the Tip' on all their non All-In books? 8.5

It was quite the surprise to see the Jade Snot Babe back in the solicits after, what has been, almost two plus years? No, wait, it’s been almost 5 years since the last issue! Wow. This was a silly yet delightful series about a neurotic model chick with a runny nose problem. You would think I would run into one of these girls in LA over the years but I haven’t. I did have a girl I was dating all of a sudden produce a bloody nose when she was alone with me in my apartment. She definitely wasn’t a cokehead so I attributed it to her being able to bleed from the nostrils when she wasn’t down for knocking dem boots, quite impressive. Yes, I just brought the boot knockin’ phrase back, and what? Anyway, this is why you don’t take long ass layoffs from your book, because it’s invariably going to suck or be less enjoyable than when you left unless you really really bring the ruff neck business. I’m looking at you Saga, and Monstress. O’Malley decided to show Snottie’s Boobies along with her new Hawt GF’s boobies in a big ‘Welcome Back’ ish but all they did was provide a brief ooh before spoiling the tension of the previous issues. The whole comic felt eye roll silly, not whimsical and fun. It’s been so long since I read one of these I can’t even remember where the plot left off. So as a ‘first issue’ of sorts it was quite blah and looking at the upcoming issues, they look blah as well. Safe to say it’s a different world today than it was in March of 2020. A world where a model babe with a drop dead gorgeous girlfriend who doesn’t seem to have a snotty nose problem anymore really doesn’t grab me. Dropping this like a snotty sinus infection tissue in my cheap bathroom garbage thingy. 5.2

 

Well, if you’re wondering what Belit the Savage Pirate Queen of the Black Coast would look like as a Disney Princess then this is the issue for you. Yeesh, Danica Whoever is definitely the 3rd String Quarterback Artist behind De La Torre and Braithwaite. A bit of. a dirty trick on Titan's part by having a De La Torre main cover while having a new Artist on the actual pages. These pages look like Darkwing Duck Material. Of course the difference between this Disney Princess is that you’re gonna get a lot of panels with nekkid boobies, which is nice. A plot point and wardrobe gripe: So Conan and Belit have just knocked boots (boot knocking!) in a bedroom in a tavern, they’re butt nekked, because of the boot knocking, and they hear thieves on the roof coming down to rob them. When the Thieves land on their balcony they’re fully clothed again, WTF? Do you think these two savage IDGAF heroes would deem it necessary to get their clothes back on??? Belit even has all of her necklaces and bracelets back on, like she needed to get ready before murdering some thieves - Conan: 'Dammit Girl! They're here', Belit: 'Just one more Nose Ring left to put in my Lion'. Like, if Danica drew a butt nekkid Conan and Belit slashing their way through some run of the mill loser thieves then I would have hailed this as a monumentally fantastic issue. As it stands, it's the first miscue from Titan's magnificent Conan experience. I will forgo the next issue in this two-issue blip and wait for one of the Top 2 QBs to return to knock some story boots. 3.0

 

 

Reading Saga these days is like watching the last season of Cheers, or maybe even Happy Days. It feels like BKV is just going through the motions, nothing is happening yet we come back because the love we have for the book has never died even though the mind of it’s creator seemingly has. It’s not like this comic has jumped the shark but the shark is jumping around in a carnival in a space ship so it’s really fucking close. Look, Fiona could draw on the back of the box of my non-dairy coconut cream coffee creamer and I’d buy it up every month, which makes me wonder - what if Fiona took a hiatus and BKV didn’t? Can you imagine someone else drawing this book, it would be an absolute disaster and fully droppable. The last 17 issues have been so blah they should be put on anti-depressants or I dunno, someone needs to go down on this story line and suck on it 'til it cums back to life. BKV says the next issue is going to be some major pivotal oh shit issue that he’s been dying to do forever. We shall see. Meandering plot lines and pages of letters with everyone saying how much this comic saved their lives or gave them a connection to someone who they eventually married is getting tired. I think Fraction and Zdarsky should take over the letters of this book and make it Sex Criminallish, now that would be a must read comic. C’mon BKV, find that magic homie you’re an issue away from putting Ghus on jet skis with a dozen Lying Cats floating on buoys off the Santa Monica pier. 6.3

 

 

Not sure this was the Spidey issue I was looking for. Seems like Hicksy likes to throw these curveballs into the mix where there’s no action just talking heads and relationship dialogue. Maybe deep down Hicksy wants to be writing TV Dramas on Oxygen Network or something. I definitely do not think all the Spidey fans of this book were thinking back in December ‘Man I hope Hicksy comes out with an issue where he delves into the interpersonal relationship of MJ and her estranged sister along with the complicated dynamics she shares with her Divorced Boss Mom during a holiday party for the entire comic'. Or maybe I just out of touch with the kids these days. Maybe Hicksy forgot he was writing this book and threw this together from scraps of dialogue from his ‘Oxygen Network’ desktop folder during a hop skip and a jump flight from LA to Vegas.Yeah Yeah, I get it, big Kraven issue incoming blah blah but this was a bit of zzzzzzzz. I did inhale the Kraven issue right after this one and although it was a little goofy, the whole ‘Drop Peter and Harry in the Prehistoric World of the Mole Man before Kraven hunts them down' is brilliant. This is still the only Marvisney title worth reading these days other than their facsimile reprints. 7.7

 

 

I just can’t with this fucking monkey detective. Why? Like, why? Who is this thing? I’m not like a huge longtime DC reader outside of Bats so is he some fever dream from the 60s when all the DC writers were doing acid? Am I supposed to be amused by a monkey detective? Are they butt hurt that Gerard Way took their talking monkey character and made a gajillion bux from it with his wonderful ‘Umbrella Academy’ comics and dirt garbage TV show on Netflix? It just takes this elevated tone that King brought to this great run and smears it in banana peels. Like, the Monkey is making banana jokes. Also, the Sovereign is all of a sudden a bumbling Mr. Burns rather than this sinister character that’s been slowly building for almost 2 years. It’s a bummer cuz this has been such a great run by King but it feels like it’s monkey poopin’ out as it swings to the finale. I just assume King like everyone who works at the Big Poo has been blackmailed into something, so whenever DC or Marvel wants something done or when they want to humiliate their writer to remind them who’s in charge they hold it over them. King must’ve fucked up big time. It’s the only valid explanation. Maybe that’s what this Monkey Detective is all about. When you fuck up at DC or don’t do their nefarious bidding after dark they send in the chimp. 4.5

 

Hey, it's a sunny day again in La La Land! Maybe I needed to slog through these comic book reviews to put them behind me so I can bask in the dawn of a new day of comic book goodness. Oy, my doggies are barking, guys relax it's just the frikkin' Amazon dude. Hmm, big box, what the hell is this? A Batman Puzzle??? When the hell did I order a Batman Puzzle?!?!?

July '24 Reading Round Up - AI COMICS!

 

Here. We. Go. This past week Colin Kaepernick of all people came out and announced that he’s launching an AI Start-Up called ‘Lumi’ that will create AI Generated Fucking Comic Books.  Now you don’t have to sit down to draw or write a comic book you can take a knee like Colin and suck on AI’s Shlong while it makes you into a regular Jack Kirbynick. I don’t know how we got from ‘You’re not good enough to even get a roster spot on the piss poor quarterback starved Las Vegas Raiders’ to ‘Hey, has AI ruined comic books yet? Get Colin in here!’

 

 

Of course there’s all the standard jargon mumbo jumbo bullshit that makes you think that it’s going to give some disadvantaged kid with a dream who scribble his comic book ideas down with crack pipes dipped in ink: “Lumi’s mission is to democratize storytelling by providing tools for creators”, yeah yeah blah blah. Just be honest and say, "Are you a fat talentless shlub who is finding new ways to be lazy? Wanna tell the AI followers of yours that you’re creating an AI comic book for them? Well here’s Lumi".

 

Lumi? Seriously? Sounds like a cheap as fuck lamp company. Like I just bought some crappy $10 book light from Amazon that doesn’t work, I bet it’s a subsidiary of Lumi. Lumi is the name of some Vegan Café that opens in Silverlake and closes in 3 months due to shitty Yelp reviews. Lumi is the name of that Goth chick you matched with who has way too many tats but a super cute face that ropes you in until she literally ties you up with ropes in her Subaru and puts a ballgag in your mouth. Look, there’s nothing to be done about this app, it was an inevitability. If it wasn’t Colin Kaepernick it would’ve been Ryan Fitzpatrick or Andrew Luck or some other former retired QB. We’re already seeing AI Covers being unknowingly plastered on books by ignorant publishers. I’m sure the Big Poo are looking into how they can leverage AI comics and replace their entire creative team. At this point it would probably be an improvement.

 

Yes, I know, the distance between AI generated Caca and organically produced Human art is an enormous chasm right now. But every day they inch closer and closer together. There’s this notion that ‘Democratizing’ anything will make it better. We’ve done that to music, video content and films. I’m quite sure it hasn’t made anything better. It’s made it so you really have to wade through a swamp of poop to find the diamonds. I’m all for getting rid of the gatekeepers in Entertainment who climb out of Satan’s Bunghole every morning to say no to good people with good ideas. But somebody’s gotta stand on that wall and say ‘Yeah, this sucks, people shouldn’t be exposed to this junk’. Lumi: The Comic Book Version of Unsolicited Dick Pix.

 

Here's what I got into recently:

 

 

I’m trying to figure out why this book ended up on a down note for me. It’s everything I was looking for. An old school/first days of the Bat set in the 30s; a dark gritty backdrop of a book in prestige format. And yo, don’t get me wrong, the first two drops were great, well, maybe not unbelievably great. Like, the end of the first issue was a red flag; the cliffhanger was way over the top. The cliffhanger of the second was also a bit, hmmm, out of character (Bats holding a gun in his hand), although I can let that slide due to it being set in his origin story. If I had to guess, I think the vernacular just got too outta hand for me. I mentioned this before, but every line of dialogue seemed to have some sort of old timey word pulled from a 1930s lexicon of slang and phrases of the day. I mean, it got a bit ridiculous which pulled me out of the story. 

 

You know what this book was like? It’s like going on a date with a babe who you’re completely thrilled about. You’re talking about her to your friends, you’re checking out her socials and loving every bit of it. You’re looking at Astro compatability (yes you fucking are, admit it) and your signs check all the boxes. You meet up, she looks amazing…and then she starts talking. And, well, there’s something about her voice that feels like bread knife on the back of your skull. You can’t be sure but it feels like with every word that zings out of her mouth your sinuses hurt more. She’s also putting you to sleep, there’s a distinct droning that activates your melatonin and before you know it you’re drowsy at 7pm. Yeah, somebody poured her into her dress but her sound is a car alarm that doesn’t quit at 2am. Most male animals would just think, ah, well, I’ll bang her and be done with it. But you know better. You know that the noises she’ll make while in the throes of passion will ruin sex for you for at least 5 years. Your friends will ask you ‘What happened???’ You’ll want to say she sounded like a donkey being run through a wood chipper but all that will come out will be ‘I dunno, something was off’. And your friends will look at you with a gleam in their eye while thinking ‘Wow, he’s not all about looks, he really cares about vibe and what’s going on in the inside of a woman’. But you’ll know. You’ll know. First Knight was hot. But it hurt my sinuses. 8.7

I was first hipped to the work of Juni Ba in the delightful ‘Deep Cuts’ mini series that consisted of 6 different jazz vignettes. His installment was absolutely fantastic. It actually blew the other installments away it was that good. Looks like the industry is catching on to his immense talent and the jobs are coming in. I was also immensely psyched to see this in the solicits but, I dunno. It’s definitely got a  fairy-tale/stylized Netflix anime series vibe to it which is cool but, I’m not sure it fully works. One thing he did accomplish was to clarify all of the Robin characters. Juni’s succinctly summed up each of them well enough where I could at least pass a Robin quiz whereas before I would definitely fail. Let’s be honest: Tim Drake and Jason Todd are weak as fuck names for Robin. As far as I see it, it’s Dick Grayson and then bubkes. Damien is straight outta ‘The Omen’ and I’d rather see Bats all verklempt around Thalia than deal with a spitfire kid.

 

This feels like a YA title. There’s an ‘aww shucks, air this at 3pm for the after school crowd kinda’ energy about it. My sense of this series is that DC peeped Juni’s unbelievable work in “Deep Cuts” and put him on a project they had in mind. I think Juni’s story is solid if not unspectacular but the art is for sure bananas. I don’t think Juni is really a capes and tights guy and hopefully he’s got a plethora of projects in his noodle that he’s psyched to unleash upon the world. 7.9

 

 

 

 

 

Now this what I’m talkin’ bout. Dude. Yay. I mean, for goodness sake, it’s a Spidey Comic. I just wanna read Spidey fighting shit, slinging some webs and his verbal zingers. After two BS issues of backstory bingo, one that was a complete utter dinner party bore and one that was interesting yet could’ve been boiled down to a few pages, the real creative team of this book is back and delivering the goods. I read it. It was fun. I enjoyed the escapism. Nobody was interjecting their personal bullshit it was all pure superhero in tights goodness done by two dudes at the top of their game. Can it all be so simple? Yes it can. Time to clone Hicksy and Marco and put them on every single Marvisney book until a new fresh crop of writers and artists are ready to come in and return this brand back to what made it great in the first place. 9.1

 

 

 

 

 

I somehow missed this when it came out several months ago, weird. I would have definitely grabbed it so I’m wondering how this slipped through my fingers. Perhaps it’s the Universe saving me $9, I thought. With my pulls being so low these days I had my LCS grab one for me and well, all I gotsta say is sometimes you gotta trust that the Universe has your back. My goodness this was gross, yuck. Yuck. Brian Azz, this is Yuck. You get the azz. I’m all for Westerns but this was a gory yuckfest about some steely eyed d-bag criminal who gets out of a Mexican jail and goes on his revenge spree. This includes finding his wife, who has since married a Reverend, and killing her husband. There’s lots of images of dead dogs who have been shot and a brutally intense image of a mother of a murdered family that the D-Bag and his fellow D-Bags come upon, who’s clearly been tied up, bound and, well, you get the idea, bleccch. The last straw was when one of the Wife’s three kids has a piece of his ear bitten off by one of the D-Bag’s henchman simply because the ears looked too big. Eff you B Azz, jeez. Go to therapy and work out your anger issues and Venmo me $9. Consider this DSTLRY’s first major dud. 4.5

 

I honestly can’t with this book anymore. I’ve grown weary of opening these gorgeous pages drawn by Sana Takeda. Yes, they’re gorgeous. I’ve been dating this gorgeous comic for almost 10 years now and there’s no other way to say it but she’s gone completely fucking bonkers. She just babbles incessantly about the same shit, just on a different day. I don’t see how Marj Liu can expect anyone to pick this book up after a month or so of having read the previous issue and not squint their eyes, rub their forehead and go ‘what the fuck is going on here???’. The longest relationship I’ve been in has been a little over 3 years so I don’t know how to break up with someone I’ve been with for 9 plus years. Maybe I need to take this book to comic book therapy and hash things out, is there such a thing? Can someone make it and book me for an appointment? I feel like Monstress is one of the casualties of the Mandela Effect. Maybe we’re in the alternative Universe where Monstress is a shit show and in the previous Universe it was spelled Monsstress or maybe Monstresses and it was fucking awesome. Somehow I feel in the Multiverse every Monstress version is hurting people’s brains. Monstress is a multiversal multidimensional punch to your pull list no matter where you exist. I feel like the only ones, besides myself, who are reading this book at this point are those who dress up like cats and pee in litter box that's been placed in the bathroom for them. 6.0

 

 

 

 

 

Greatness in serialized Comics requires consistency, a none too easy task especially in this day and age of hiatuses, variant cover madness and the subservience to the trade market. Yet every now and then something comes along that defies genre and the shortcomings of the industry to deliver a timeless story that will stay with you long after you add it to your long box. Rare Flavours was just that. The title encapsulated the book itself: a rare feat and a taste of something truly special. Every single offering of this six issue course was an enchanting delight, deftly written and wonderfully drawn by two masters of their craft. Rare Flavours transcended their logline and elevator pitch. It was this ephemeral paragon of storytelling, myth and family that will stay with their audience long after the embers that cooked up this beauty of a book die out. 10.0

 

 

 

 

There's a story in here where Conan turns into a Werewolf and has to fight a town that has already turned into Werewolves. GTFOH. Dude. As Stan Lee used to say: Nuff said. 9.4

That's all I got. I'm off to work on a new AI start-up called 'Homie'. It will democratize comic book blogs for everyone by providing the tools necessary to write and post blogs to the masses as if they were written by a Cholo from LA.

 

Happy Reading!

  

WHITE BOAT #1 - Review

  

 

Oy, another trio of Snyder comics. Does Scott Snyder know how to write series anymore that last more than 3 issues? I think the way the whole Batman comic ended still has him traumatized. I see him shaking naked on a leather couch mumbling ‘Mr Bloom Mr Bloom Mr Bloom’ as a therapist rolls his eyes and doodles on a notepad. 

 

 

 

 

Snyder is teaming up again with Francesco Francavilla, the artist who loves to put his initials on all of his drawings like some deranged graffiti artist from the 70s. Seriously, I don’t get it, how is it okay to put your insignia on pages that are inside of the book??? The cover, I get, but the inside pages? Are you that fucking insecure that you have to validate your work over and over. Is that what artists from Italy do these days? They just wander around the streets scribbling their insignia on everyone and everything. Like does he have to take his dates from behind so he can scribble on their ass?

 

Look he does it again right here:

 

What a psychopath. Look, I think he’s a fantastic artist, his work is gorgeous, but my goodness this annoys me. All the solicits are ringing the bell about the fact that these two worked on the Night of the Ghoul which was a middling mnyeh bouillabaisse of nothing special. But, this is DSTLRY and they have been absolutely destroying the comic book world with their releases. Thing is, they’re only doing 3 issue Prestige Formats with Superstar Creators. That’s all well and good but at some point you’re going to have to drop an ongoing series that lasts a year or so. Then we’ll see if you really got the goods. Right now you’re a ‘3 Date Dinner Date Babe that Goes Bye Bye’, a chick who shows up for your appetizers and main course but never gives you your just desserts.

 

As I’ve said before, 3 issue Prestige drops are a landmine for a comic book geek. As long as the 1^st issue is somewhat serviceable and enjoyable you’ll more than likely pony up for the second book. The second book is where they get you because no matter whether it sucks scraggy balls or is the best thing since ‘The Dark Knight Returns’ you’ll feel stupid if you just drop the book before grabbing the final issue. Why? Because you’ve already dropped close to $20 on two comics so you might as well find out how it ends and finish the story; do you ever leave or stop watching a 3 hour movie at the 2 hour mark? It’s genius marketing. 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s like going out on a few dates with a babe who looks amazing but is throwing red flags at you left and right: high pitched cackle, hints about doing lots of benders, talks about switch blades a bit too much. But she laughs at all your jokes and even though she bawled in the tiramisu on your second date because it reminded her of a professor who took her virginity and ruined her mind in college for some reason, you think she has ‘potential’ for being a good egg. Of course date 3 is when she shows up blitzed out of her mind and tackles the burlesque dancers on stage at the show you took her to and then takes off with your car to Albuquerque to do drugs with the guy who tattooed a noose on the inside of both of her ears.

 

 

 

 

 

As for this book, it’s aight, pronounced ahh-ight. Some dude’s brother dies on a boat as a kid and he stays in the boat town being a drunk unmotivated putz until he’s invited to a fancy expensive AF boat where all the secrets of his life resides. I think Scott Snyder must have read ‘The Lion, Witch & The Wardrobe’ a million times when he was a kid because a lot of his stories involve the expansion of a small space into an enormous space. He did it for the Ghoul and Wytches books where an aperture expands into this oversized underground labyrinth. Here it’s something similar where a hatch on the floor of the boat opens up into an extensive museum that feels like it’s 10 times the size of the actual boat. I don’t know how you justify that. I can see it being on land, like, oh, we dug this hole for centuries and created a new world or I dunno, used one of those machines that they use to make underground cities all over the world in no time. But on the sea? What is this, an iceberg boat where it’s actually in the shape of a gigantic iceberg but you only see the top which looks like a yacht? I call BS.

 

 

Also, there’s a huge ‘Don’t go in there!’ movie theater moment. You know what I’m talking about? When you’re at a cheap movie theater where the audience is a little more raucous and you have patrons yelling at the movie screen? This happens the most in horror flicks where dumbass characters are continually berated by the audience to not go into dark empty houses, to open doors that obviously go nowhere good. This happens here when the guy showing our lead around, a guy who looks like Lurch from the Addams Family on Meth, opens up the hatch for him to explore. There’s a ladder that descends into the dark and he’s told to go down by himself and check things out. C’mon Scottie Sny Sny, I would’ve respected this a bit more if he was shoved down there but for him to just be the goofus doofus du jour and willingly descend into this chaos, I call BS. Of course the lead is now stuck there for weeks or days or who the fuck knows.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Man, the more I write about this book the more annoyed I get. DSTLRY has a decent book here but if you asked me would I rather drop $30 for Tynion and Ward’s ‘Spectregraph’ book which is also in the middle of their 3 issue run or this one I’d say ‘Spectregraph’ in a second; that first issue was phe-fucking-nomenal. Yes, I’m intrigued by this premise of Lurch on a Boat that's as big as Atlantis, I can look beyond the shortcomings of the plot and Franco’s tramp stamp on all of the art but it’s no slam dunkeroo.

 

 

Can we just do a solid for Scott and find a way to get him back the main Batman title. I think he’s made for Batman. Dude should write that shit all day every day. Ever since his Mr Bloom story line in Bats ended unceremoniously where DC appeared to fuck with his exit from the title he hasn’t been the same since. I mean, he’s a great writer so he’s gonna pop out some dope shit regardless of whether the premise is on point or not. Barnstormers was one of my favorite titles of 2023. Yet it seems his career since then has been one ‘Andre 3000 Playing the Flute’ moment one after the other. I mean, we LOVE Andre and the flute and, yeah, it’s, umm, it’s pretty and umm, enjoyable. Ok, fuck it, Andre get your Hey Yaaa back on and Scott get your Bats Yaaaa back on and let the Putz, the Boat and the Meth Lurch be your flute experiment.

RATING: 7.2

VERDICT: Mmm, nah I'm good, saving $18, drop.

June '24 Reading Round Up

 

 

I pulled a piddly 9 comics in June. Nine. Nine times. I pulled Niiiiine Times. Yes, Rooney’s ‘Nine Times’ from Ferris Bueller is ringing in my head. 

 

 

That’s the first time in over 15 years (the two months of global shutdown notwithstanding) since I’ve been keeping track of my pulls that I went a month where I pulled in the single digits. I wish the country’s inflation problem was like my comic pulls; the price of good organic hummus wouldn’t make me cry anymore. Why just 9? I suppose I’m at the point where I see shit come down the pike and say to myself ‘Yeah, I ain’t falling for the banana in the tailpipe again’. I can tell when something that looks good is going to suck. Let me clarify: I can tell when a comic that looks good is going to suck, a woman…not so much. I can also tell when a comic that seems like it can be okay is not worth my dillies. 

 

 

With The Big Poo releasing drivel, decent books at least 5 or 6 bux a pop, really great prestige books around $9 a pop, and with new drops almost always being a limited series it’s been easier to give books that I normally might pull or continue to pull the Heisman. That said, at the halfway point of 2024 I’ve still pulled a little more than I did at this point last year yet last year was my lowest annual pull in 15 years as well. I would say it’s been a better year so far for the quality of comics that have come out versus last year. Image has kinda sucked but DSTLRY, Titan and Tom King may very well save the comic book industry if they keep on their current trajectory. Looking through July and August I don’t see much other than what I’m grabbing now. With that segue, here’s what I’ve been grabbing:

 

 

 

Christian Ward is not allowed to do any comics that are not in Prestige format ever again. I have gotten so used to seeing his amazing art plastered across enormous oversized pages that mushing it back into a standard comic size would be blasphemy. It seems like the Industry agrees with me as I feel like all of his recent books have been Super Sized. As expected, his work on this book is nothing short of absolutely fucking gorgeous. As for Tynion, I’m not really a huge fan. I know a lot of geeks geek out on his work and he’s regarded as one of the best by the publishers but he just doesn’t do it for me. The last two projects of his that I checked out was ‘Nice House on the Lake’ which started off wonderfully and by the midway point it had devolved into a wack CW Show inspired piece of poop. Same thing happened with ‘Department of Truth’. It started off with a bang/slap on the ass and spiraled into a whimpering fetal position of a book. The premise of Spectregraph is immensely strong and they’ve set it up perfectly. It remains to be seen if Tynion can handle maintaining the story arc. We know that Ward is going bring the ruffneck bizness to the art. Maybe that’ll jolt Tynion into actually finishing what he started. Otherwise, this is another solid release by DSTLRY which is fast becoming the Jewel of the Industry for the non Tights & Capes titles. 9.5

 

 

 

This 3 Issue Jock-O-Rama series ended with a resounding thud and put a stink on the first ever initial release from DSTLRY. Since this offering they have been slaying the marketplace with their spectacular books so they haven’t looked back. As I’ve said before these 3 issue Prestige Format releases that cost a grip are hard for the consumer to navigate through. As long as the premise and presentation of the initial issue grabs you, you’ll be on board for Issue 2, where it seems like more often than not that it goes off the rails; which it did in this series. Then you’re left wondering, well, I’ve already dropped $16-18 and there’s only one issue left, might as well get it, maybe it will have a great ending. In this case it didn’t. In this case it turned into a bumbling disconnected plot of Mommy & Daddy issues, Zombies, intergalactic politics and general poop on a page dialogue. They’re in a ship. They’re in a different ship. They want to come back to this ship. Nobody’s on the ship. We’re running from this ship. The other ship is running from something else. Now he’s on the ship. Zombies everywhere. Boom Bam. Zombies. Ships. Space. There, I just saved you $9, no need to get this now. Man, finishing a Sucky 3 Issue Prestige really punches you in the stomach. Mark Simpson, AKA Jock, really dropped the ball on this one. Shame. His ‘One Dark Knight’ was one of the best of 2022 so naturally one would assume he would knock this out of the park too. Nope. Your $27 be Gone. And Nelson is going Ha Ha to you like your name was Bart Simpson. 5.6

 

 

 

If someone rushed into my home and said ‘Quick, the Zombie Apocalypse is here, they’re minutes away and they’re mangling everyone in their path. You only have time to take your Dog and 3 comic books with you’, I’d say ‘Well, is that like, 3 comics I’d have to read over and over or could I keep pulling them?’. They’d say ‘What?’ I’d say, ‘Like, could I keep pulling the issues so I could continue following the story while I flee the Zombies’ They’d say ‘Well, of course your LCS is being relocated to within a safe enclosed fortress so they’ll still be able to distribute media to its customers’. I’d then rush over to my rack and take Conan the Barbarian first without question. I’d probably take Love Everlasting next and debate whether I should take Helen of Wyndhorn or fucking Saga. There’d be nothing worse if BKV still took 6 month hiatuses during a Zombie Apocalypse. Dude. You’re in a barbed wire enclosed fortress with Fiona, y’all should be pumping out Saga bi-weekly my guy. Anyway, this Conan comic is the fucking best. 9.8

 

 

 

After I stirred up all this Hullabaloo on LOCG (League of Comic Geeks) by proclaiming Ultimate Spidey 4 a Boring AF comic since it was nothing more than a dinner conversation, I had a stink eye prepped for this issue as the solicit told me it was going to be another one of those Backstory Bingos that publishers/creators use to deal with Artist hiatuses. I’m okay with a Backstory Bingo/Tangential Issue or Episode for a secondary character, but it has to be memorable AF - clearly my feeling of this book requires multiple AFs. I always use the recent example of the episode in the final season of Ted Lasso that was dedicated solely to Beard. He leaves Ted and goes on this wild and wacky adventure throughout London; it was fantastic and in a way I remember that episode more than I do the others of that season. So it can be done, but man, you better come wit dat ruffneck bidness if you’re going to do it. Did Hickman bring a ‘Beard’ issue to the table? Not really. It was a solid and interesting Backstory Bingo and Hickman’s such a fucking great writer he can make anything intriguing. Yet at the end of the page count, it’s still a Backstory Bingo Bonanza that could have been dripped in with subsequent issues that moved the story forward. 

 

If you ask me, Hickman could have taken the 2 months off that he used for Issue 4 & 5 of this book and, oh, I dunno, FINISHED THE BLACK MONDAY MURDERS!!! Hicksy! WTF?!?! That book is still hanging in the ether! Finish that shit! It was amazing! And while you’re at it FINISH THE DYING AND THE DEAD!!!! WTF is wrong with you??? I feel like a nerdy chick who just got picked up, banged and dumped by Brian Wood at a Comic Con. Get to work on those Dammit! Yeesh. Man, Issue 6 of this book better be the Shizzznit or I’m dropping this like a booger on a plane seat. 6.6

 

 

 

 

I am really loving this Dubz run. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Best Dubz run since the New 52 dropped out of the sky and Azzarello and Chiang absolutely destroyed this book with their combined genius. I do have a bone to pick here though. So at the end of last issue Dubz heroically overcomes her captor’s ‘Rope of Lies’ or whatever and is able to slough off her restraints and reach his neck with her hands. Next thing we see is that she’s in a prison cell in the dark with no windows. Umm, how did we get here? This is the same Dubz from a previous issue that was taking on the entire U.S. Army and was throwing tanks around like I throw doggie toys around my home. This is the same Dubz who took the blow of half of the Washington Monument being throttled on top of her, and yet, she couldn’t subdue a bunch of soldiers in a room, nor escape a guarded cell for months??? She had to eat a rat? Really? Then lost her mind and befriended another rat? 

 

Of course she ate the male rat and befriended the female rat who was its mate. I bet the male rat was a bumbling husband who had a gut and drank beer and had no respect from his rat wife but since she was so noble and had a heart she found it in herself to love the animal with no brains cuz that’s what females do when it comes to husbands since all husbands are Al Bundyesque idiots. You think I wouldn’t pick up on that King? C’mon dude. I’ll forgive you for the fact that you felt the need for some Steve McQueen ‘Papillon’ shit but let’s get back to main narrative. From the cliffhanger I can tell you’re ready to do so, so, bring the ruckus and dat roughneck Dubz bizness. 7.7

 

 

 

The Next Great book out of Image may have finally dropped after a long run of mediocrity and mnyeh from the Publisher that once could do no wrong. With Falling in Love On the Path to Hell Duggan & Co. have concocted a premise so bonkers and yet somehow so perfect that there’s almost no way you won’t be coming back for seconds. Sometimes reckless passion executed with acute simplicity is all you need to deliver something great. When creators go ‘Hey, what if we did this?’ and then laugh and get wildly excited about it at the same time it provides the breeding ground for creating a piece that people will never forget it. No need for me to break down their premise or explain the elements. Just go grab the first issue of this if you can and remind yourself why you love comic books so much. 9.1

 

 

 

 

Umm, this Masterpiece issue was kinda crappy and a general eye roll/flip ahead. Not sure why other than it felt like Bendis was trying to be too cool with the dialogue and character development. Maybe the premise of this book was wack from the get go. A billionaire who supposedly murdered a husband and wife who were thieves that stole from him is now after their kid because, she’s their kid. I think it’s a commentary on how the super rich are so narcissistic that whatever they want is justified, even if it means killing a kid. The kid's assembling a team with an array of cool spy type abilities was really neato, but maybe this premise needed to stay in the oven for a bit longer. It feels soft in the middle. Just one issue to go which feels a little wonky since there seems to be a lot of unresolved shit to tie up after these 5 issues. This was fun for a bit but it’s nowhere near as amazing as ‘Pearl’, Bendis’ last must read book. Still, give me a Bendis/Maleev half baked premise over The Big Poo’s $3.99 jam packed advertisements any day of the week. 7.0

 

 

Great Comics come and go pretty fast. If you don't stop reading caca Tie-In Events from Marvel and DC you might miss them - Pherris Schmuckler