Just the Facts-imile Issues & Reviews

        

 

Yeah, I'm back and I know it's been a while. I don't know where the time went. How is it June already? I feel like it was only last Tuesday where I was cursing Valentine's day and pouting that nobody invited me to a Super Bowl party and now it's fucking June. Well, I'm back because it looks like some Marvel Intern or Lackey has been snooping around this blog for ideas to boost their sales and revenue so I figured I should post something. How do I know they've been doing that? Well, they finally decided to take me up on my idea to not only release facsimile issues of their great comics of the 60s from Issue #1 but to do them sequentially so it feels like you’re in the 60s reading the comic for first time the same way readers experienced it back then. Marvisney has been dropping facsimile issues of the initial 1961 run of The Fantastic Four this year and it’s been fun fun fun. 

 

 

At first I was giddy and thought ‘Wow, maybe this will be a thing for other titles’, then I realized it’s just a prong on the multi-pronged multi-dimensional marketing approach to get us to get mentally prepared to shell out our hard earned dillies for the 169th new Fantastic Four movie that’s coming out this year. Now I feel unclean and soiled by the Dark Demon of Disney. Some intern just blurted out my idea at a marketing meeting and Bob Iger popped his head out of Satan’s buttocks and wailed ‘I love it!’. Of course what followed after Bob Iger peeking out of Satan’s buttocks was the latest cut of the new Fantastic Four movie and they’re still trying to sanitize Buena Vista Studios and most of Burbank from the stench. Repeat after me Casting Bozos: Pedro Pascal is not Reed Richards.

 

 

I’ve been reading a lot more facsimile issues lately. Seems like the comic book industry has really been upping the amount of facsimiles they release which makes sense since right now in Hollywood the War Cry is 'Just make Another One'. DC has also been releasing a run of Batman facsimiles from its initial 'Hush' from 15 years ago ostensibly to get you hyped about their new Hush run that's started up this year which admittedly looks poopalicious. After dropping money on a bunch of these I’m not so sure that any of them are deeply satisfying reads. I think the legends of comic book publishing were goofing around a lot more and having fun with the medium rather than aspiring to create great literature. 

 

Take the Fantastic Four, in their 2nd issue they convince the Skrulls, an Alien Race prepping to invade our planet, that Earth is overrun by monstrous beings by actually showing them pictures from comic books (Weird Tales and Tales of Suspense). Reed & Co then turn the Skrulls who were left behind on Earth into Cows so they could graze and lead a peaceful rest of their days without being hounded by anyone. I suppose at some point somebody ate a Skrull Burger without knowing? Or maybe a Skrull Kebab? Å Corned Skrull Beef sandwich?

 

 

These enormously oversized Batman reprints which are going for like $13 have been a trip back to the 80s when Bats was Emo, corny and prone to self deprecation and rash maneuvers. It’s an odd experience to thoroughly enjoy something while consistently rolling your eyes at the abundance of silliness. I think it’s safe to say that Modern Comics are way more sophisticated, grounded and properly structured. Where early comic books beat the snot out of the modern books is, for the most part, they didn’t give a fuck. They were throwing whatever came into their brains onto the page, as long as it either made them laugh or giggle with excitement at the novelty of their ideas.

I’m also not sure why I’m being charged more than $4 for any of these facsimiles (except for the oversized ones). What’s the reasoning? You’re just reprinting every single page of the comic, nothing is new! Shouldn’t these be $3 at most?

Meanwhile Marvisney and DC continue to implode and spit out caca. Their  movies are mostly tanking one after the other even after they pour hundreds of millions into them. Nice job with the recent Captain America. Hire a dipshit who says that Captain America really isn’t about America. What’s next? A Spidey who could care less about neighborhoods being friendly? Daredevil, the man with a couple of Phobias?  I think they need to create a D.O.C.E., Department of Comic Efficiency and rip apart the Big 2 to see how they’re spending our hard earned dollars. How much for this new Pooperman? 363 mil? Why? On what??? 225 mil? That's still stoopid expensive. You think Supes saying 'Hey buddy up here’ in the trailer like a Tech Bro is cool? Why does Lex Luthor look like they told AI to make him look like a young Michael Stipe? Why is YoBro-Perman yelling at the Marvelous Miss Maisel? Why isn’t he ordering Chinese Food with her and shopping for technicolor dresses? 

 

Dude, look, you people need to stop with the trash movies and watered down TV shows and put a major chunk of your revenue and budget back into, wait for it - COMIC BOOKS! The wellspring of your entire empire! It's built in IP and they don't care anymore.

And what the hell happened to DSTLRY or as I like to call them Dusty Larry??? I don’t think they’ve released an issue since January! Was their ‘$9 a book for 3 issues’ a big bust? Was it just a drug front for the Cartel? Have the actual CEOs of the company been deported? Seriously, their stuff was the best thing on the racks. Were they even real? Did META or the D.O.D,  target me for psychological torment again ‘Let’s give him some great comics and just turn off the faucet’. Am I in my own Mandela effect?

 

My pull is duhhhh-win-dling, that’s dwindling, as in I’m not buying a lot of comics these days and it’s sad. I bought 7 in May. Sevvv-ennnn. That's ridiculously low, the lowest ever for me. Perhaps that’s why I’ve not posted on here much if at all recently; I’ve been bummed by the state of Comcbookdom. There’s still more than half a year left so I’m praying that some way some how we get some Holy Moly releases or runs but as of today my Best of 2025 doesn’t even have any major new contenders on it yet. Am I just going to be ranking Facsimile Issues? Bottom line, I think having a facsimile issue dropped every now and then was fun but clearly they realize people are buying them and now the market is being flooded with them which takes away the novelty. They're also just being used as marketing tools, if they're about to release a movie, show or dust off an old character expect facsimile issues, blah.

Oy, oh well, there ya go, for the record this is not Ragebait this is CrankyJewBait. Here’s what I actually have been reading for the past several months…

 

 

 

If I was doing a 10 minute Stand-Up Comedy set and for no reason whatsoever at the 5 minute mark without warning, I changed my voice and starting telling jokes with a Russian accent or, I dunno, began imitating Billy Bob Thornton in Sling-blade it would be - weird right? Especially if after a minute I switched back to my normal  voice. That’s what it’s like when you get a new Artist thrown at you in the middle of a story arc with no warning or no reason whatsoever, you’re like, wait, what, which comic did I buy? Is this the - let me find the previous - oh it is. You wanna swap out after an arc, fine. Right smack dab in the middle, it’s annoying and usually it’s disconnected or tangential to the actual story which is what happened to one of the recent Abs Batsy issues. As a stand-alone issue it was great, but dude, like just either finish the arc or take a break and come back when your main artist is ready to keep going. I mean does the artist say, yo I’m hitting Tulum in December with my bae so I’m not gonna be around to draw your Bat-Kira book and does Snyder say ‘Like I give a fuck, I got all kinds of Artist Baes on stand-by boyeee'. Yes, Bruce Wayne looks like Anime Akira in this book so it’s hard to take this too seriously. In my Sling-Blade voice: "But it’s good mmm hmmm, and its Snyder and Bats which is better than that other cockamamie batty stuff so I reckon I’ll a keep a puling it mmm hmmm". 7.8
 

 

 

Another banger from Dusty Larry aka DTSLRY. 'City Beneath Her Feet' was the last Dusty Larry book I purchased before they all fell off a cliff into the abyss into another dimension; this book came out last November. Elsa Charretier is fast becoming one of my fave artists what with her work on Love Everlasting (and what the hell is happening with that, it's been months, jeez). Since Tynion absolutely crushed ‘Spectregraph’ his collab with Christian Ward on the same imprint I thought this was also going to be a Home Run and I was right. These two walloped this story way over the wall, a supremely interesting and perfectly executed ‘grab them and don’t let them go’ first installment to have you clamoring for more. The fact that they just called this the prologue at the end of this issue has me wondering if this might go longer than 3 or 4, that would be fantastic. Dusty Larry can use some long form series and no better place to start than with these two at the helm. Unfortunately it seems the spigot has been turned off for this publisher. I look at this cover and it feels like I'm looking at the dating profile of hot babe who messaged me back once and then hasn't replied since I messaged her back; serious PTSDating Trauma vibes. Puhleez gimme gimme more yum yum books that rate 9.1 or more.

 

 

 

 

Hickman, Dude, what the fuck? Are you going to clone yourself or not? Can they make a HickGPT of you and have your AI Version just write comic books? It’s unbelievable how much better you are than mostly every one. Like, there should be a big button that says ‘HICK ME’ in the center of every main conference room for every comic book publisher. Each month the editors of these publishers should gather in these conference rooms and let a bunch of comic book geeks read the comics they’re about to send to print. Any time one sucks a Comic Geek should just slam the ‘HICK ME’ button which will let the editors know that their comic sucks ballz and needs to be written by AI Hickman. Pull lists will balloon. LCS retailers will experience a boon and the world will be a better place. Ultimate Spidey, my goodness, so fucking good. What an amazing twist with Gwen and Mysterio, just brilliant.  Can you do the Hulk and Moon Knight and, oh, I dunno, take over Saga for a bit and, aw hell just hit HICK ME for the entire industry for a month and see what happens 9.6. 

 

 

 

Oy vey. Why is everyone gushing over this comic? WHY? It’s pee to the oop. Poop. Are we that starved for content and innovative plots that we’ll take some half baked creative writing class idea from High School that’s been sitting in a Trapper Keeper notebook for 30 years and call it genius? Every day a girl wakes up to a new apocalypse, all timelines are at play, they’re all colliding into one another with no rhyme or reason, this chick is bumping into historical characters and remnants of other dimensions and whatnot - dude, ask any actress living in LA what life is like and they'll tell you the same thing: 'Every day is a fucking apocalypse'. This is not thrilling or mind bending or a shattering of conventions. This is lazy writing, shallow character development and messy world building. This is not elevated material, it's pedestrian. You love it, great. I know spectacular when I read it and this ain't it. I can understand being impressed if you were in High School and some quiet mop top haircut art student with serial killer eyes is scribbling these panels in his moleskin notebook during a Period 4 math class. This final panel of issue one is classic 'Death Metal Art Dude with Acne Doodling in Class' vibe:

 

 

 

I’d look over at it and go ‘Wow, that’s dope’, he’d just grunt and shrug in his jean jacket that’s covered with Scorpions and Black Flag patches and go back to scribbling and I'd think 'I bet that guy goes on to make millions. Or maybe he'll go to Visual Arts School and end up like one of Claire's loser Art School Boyfriends in Six Feet Under'. Assorted Crisis Events, is that a euphemism for Los Angeles right now? Because we got some serious crisiseesz and they definitely are assorted. Suck on this concept’s dick for as long as you want but it’s a hard 13 year old boner looking at girls hit volleyballs in High School gym class pass for me 2.5. 

 

 

 

Yadda Yadda Mr. Burns aka The Sovereign keeps losing everything bit by bit yadda yadda, his empire that has existed for centuries is being unraveled by babes who do pilates in primary color spandex. I am all for a protracted story in comics but this felt like it had been dragging a tad for several months. I understand the set-up of the meticulous and strategic take-down of the ‘Sovereign’: taking down all of his assets, strongholds and guardians but it’s been such a drip drip drip downfall that it lacks tension. You’re just reading and saying ‘Wow this guy is getting royally fucked by Dubs all while he's narrating his own demise, sucks for him’; and that was the basic gist. Maybe it would be better if this was put online and you could have AI face swap somebody you can’t stand so you could watch Dubz royally ream them for several months on end; that sounds great. Mr Burns ended up nekkid in front of Dubz and it finally wrapped up in a good but not great way. I expected more from King and more from a 19 issue arc which they pulled like taffy for the last several months. You can tell they felt bad about drawing it out because the issue right after this story ends is a Batman Team Up, “wait don’ go anywhere, we have Bats, Bats is here, hey look, Batman, doing things in this title, hoooooh ha, Bizz to the Izzatz and Dubaroonski, everything is fine, it’s all fine, come back, pretty please 6.7

 

 

I’ve been enjoying the Waid/Samnee Bats & Dickie D series, but you know what? I’m calling BS on Clayface. The whole Clayface story device is bullshit, it’s too convenient. This amorphous brown poop blob can magically, and seamlessly, become any body it wants to. C'mon Dude. Whenever the Brown Poop Blob has been used in any Bat medium I call BS. Why? Ya think that Bats, after having dealt with Poop Dude over and over, wouldn’t have figured out that Poop Dude had a distinctive smell? Okay fine, you can become and look like whomever you want but that doesn’t mean that you can change what you actually are on a molecular level, am I right?  This is just as lazy as 'Oh every timeline is colliding into one and any historical figure is at our fingertips' from above. That said, Samnee's work on Bat's fight scenes and escape at the end of a recent ish was pure gold. As the arc continues and it gets into Crime Boss/Kidnap Robin stuff it does feel a little too much like 66 Batman Bam Biff Pow without the camp. Yet these two are just such great collaborators I’m down to finish up their run even if it means a bit of a yawn here and there. It’s a delightful read and Lord knows this world demands you escape to a delightful read when you get a chance 7.5

I just can’t anymore. I’m done. At this point I think this comic is being used by Marjorie Liu’s therapist as a way to work through her trauma of not being able to properly develop a plot. Her mania has drawn in the great Sana Takeda and reduced her to manic scribblings which at this point looks like a toddler hopped up on Mountain Dew. Nothing, and I mean nothing, is coherent or sensible. I think people are basically just losing their minds these days and that obviously includes comic book writers. The fact that Image, who has slowly turned into an unreadable publisher, enables her lunacy is even more egregious. Like at what point do you as an Editor have to make the visit to the basement where the half naked unkempt wacko scribe and her 37 cats lives to tell her you're pulling the plug. You’ll probably have to bring some cue cards that breaks down the concept of a ‘Finale/Ending to a Story’. Clearly this editor will be in a bulletproof Hazmat suit to deal with the frenetic rage that Liu will unleash on them. Unfortunately, the 11 of us who are left actually reading this disaster have no way of really knowing how to get in touch with each other and if we truly exist. What a shit show. If I had to sum up what this comic has looked like the past several years this panel from their most recent ish would be what I would show someone; just pure arrrrgghhhhh -

 

 

 

This is a mess of a script and a fever dream that has com-puh-leeetly lost it's way and I can't in good conscience continue paying for this self inflicted madness anymore.  Sana Takeda is a brilliant artist and I love supporting concepts like this but there comes a time when you look at the person you're dating who's frothing at the mouth with a lighter near your comic book rack and you realize it's time to move on and cancel your dating app subscription. Speaking of which, I just matched  with someone. I messaged them about their profile with a 'What and a Why?' question, as in what do you etc. and why are you etc. She answered back with a 'Yes'. Clearly she reads Monstress. 10 years, 57 issues and all I got for it was bagged and boarded comic cat litter. 1.0

 

 

 

Well, that's all I got. Actually, no, I have one more, one big Mamma that's sitting right next to my La-Z-Boy that hasn't been popped open yet: the new Heavy Metal; ooh baby baby. Now, I'm not an anthology type guy but this looks special. Yet as everyone in LA knows, 'looks' can stiff you with a $400 dinner bill, plant an eight ball on you and have you in handcuffs in less than an hour so ya never know.

 

Happy Reading...

Bags, Boards and Burns - A City & Industry Up in Smoke

 

 

LA is weird right now. It’s been weird for a minute. The fires not only ravaged the city but they also ravaged the psyche of Angelenos; it was an unfathomable event that is still smoldering in the hearts of the people who live here. It feels like everyone has been trudging through sludge for the past month or so including yours truly. It’s not so much that the fires have exacted such an unflinching toll on everyone, rather it was more like they were the final body blow from a series of gut punches that LA has endured for the past 5 years. From the Pandemic hysteria to the Strikes to the upheaval in the Industry and now to the destruction of neighborhoods that meant so much to so many, there’s only so much you can take before it feels like the world has it out for you. Hell, today due to torrential rains we had mud slides wreaking havoc all over the city. Seriously what’s next? Locusts? Should I smudge my front door with some Lamb’s blood???

As I sat there watching LA go up in flames of course my mind drifted towards the things I love about LA. I will say this, no major Comic Book Shops went up in flames in the Pacific Palisades, Malibu or Altadena; at least none of note. Which got me thinking, there really isn’t a Mecca Destination for Comic Books in LA anymore. There used to be, it was Meltdown Comics. Meltdown Comics on Sunset near WeHo embodied everything great about being a Comic Geek. Within their cavernous space (at least for LA standards) one could find any and everything: new issues, back issues, graphic novels, toys, memorabilia, fashion, oversized knicknacks and doodads. There were tables to play D&D and other board games and if that wasn’t enough there was a back room where they held Comedy nights that drew some of the top Comedians in town. It was said that Matt Groening would pop in and just sit in the back to take in a show every now and then. Well of course he did, there was no place in LA where he could go and truly feel at home; he got to be just another nerd who loves comics just like anyone else.

I knew one of the guys who owned it pretty well from coming in so much. I remember when it was just a normal comic shop on the North Side of the street when I first moved to LA in 2000; they were a few blocks away from me. When they moved into the big space across the street it was like God answered my prayers for a legendary comic book shop. Well, Meltdown closed years ago and since then nothing has taken its place, which feels deeply wrong since LA is ostensibly the Comic Book Capital of the World now that both DC & Marvel have decamped from NYC to sunnier climes. Perhaps it’s a true indicator that the Big 2 really don’t give a shit about the actual comic books that fuel their movies and their IP (oy I hate that fucking word, IP, IP has ruined entertainment). One would think that if they really did love comic books they would combine their might and create a place where the ideas that made them who they are could be celebrated and shared with the masses. Nope, none of that. There’s a bunch of little cool shops here and there in LA but nothing overly special. My LCS is basically a hole in the wall but I’ve been going there for years and it suits me just fine. San Diego Comic Con doesn’t count, that’s just a circus and a Sales Pitch-athon and the fact that a normal comic book dude like me hasn’t been able to get into it once underscores the fact that it’s not really for normal comic book dudes.

January used to be a big month for comics, at least it seemed like that was the case to me. Looking back over the years my pull numbers show that January and February were big months for new releases and for publishers to ramp up current series or reveal their upcoming gems. Even as recently as 3 years ago I was yanking 20 books a month in both Jan and Feb. Ten years ago I was pulling 30. This year? 9. Nine, with two being facsimiles. WTF? According to this article, retailers are saying that the Industry is on the upswing and that they’re doing really well, so is it me? They’re extolling the virtues of the ‘Absolute DC’ line as one of the big drivers of sales. Look, I’m pulling both Bats and Dubz from that line and, well, yes they’re really good but they’re not oh my goodness fucking spectacular. The New 52? That was spectacular. Are you gonna tell me that Absolute Bats and Dubz are better than New 52’s Snyder’s ‘Court of Owls’ and Azzarello and Chiang’s ‘Wonder Woman’ run?? No, no you’re not. So, I think what’s happening is that it’s been so bad for so long and titles have just been cratering that when something half decent comes along people lose their minds. I would say that’s the same for the music and film industry as well. There's so much caca that when something comes along that doesn't soil your soul it comes off as genius. It's also an offshoot of the fact that content has become so over saturated it's almost impossible to sift through it all to find the greatness.

I believe things will change and yes there is still some amazing stuff out there, I’m looking at you DSTLRY. But man, it’s been fucking rough. With so few comics on my rack these days I started reading a novel that’s been sitting near my La-Z-Boy in what feels like forever, it’s Cold Mountain. I wanted to jump in front of a moving car after the first 16 pages. Maybe I’ll join a book club. Maybe I’ll make more of an effort to get into Anime. Maybe I’ll find a challenging puzzle! Oh who am I kidding, c’mon people, make some fucking unbelievable comic books! Oy. Nine. Nine this month. Googling Batman Puzzles...ooh this one looks good!

Here’s what I got into this past month or so:

 

I just put this down and, wow. I mean, wow, Snyder crushes this one over the fence. I'm not a huge gritty gruesome crime drama. true crime, serial killer guy but when I saw Snyder and Jock together it was a no brainer to grab this. It was perfectly done, like, there's really nothing bad you can say about this book. They deftly set the tone, drew you in, had strong characters and set up the plot with a cliffhanger as well as you possibly could. If this was a Pilot episode you'd binge the entire series. After Snyder's Wack 'White Boat' debacle on DSTLRY this is a heroic dub. This comic saved the beginning of my 2025 Comic Book Experience, thanks Scott & Jock 9.7

 

This 'Absolute Dubz' series is picking up steam and becoming a real page turner. My question is this, you’re saying that these ‘Absolute’ books are All In, right? So it stands to reason that your other books aren’t all in, right? I would go so far to say that most of what DC is putting is either halfway in or just full on the fuck out. Maybe what DC should do is put ‘Just the Tip’ on their normal comics so comic geeks know ahead of time to not expect a Wham Bam story. I will say this, having Dubz connected to Circe while affirming that her exile to Hell was by the Gods really makes me pine for the days when Azzarello and Chiang were writing that Dubz story line with all the Greek Gods. I know I probably mention that run at least once every two months or every other paragraph; shrug emoji. Regardless, Thompson, Sherman and Bellaire are putting together a real humdinger of a first arc that is definitely all up in that goody good. How much to bribe a DC Lackey to put 'Just the Tip' on all their non All-In books? 8.5

It was quite the surprise to see the Jade Snot Babe back in the solicits after, what has been, almost two plus years? No, wait, it’s been almost 5 years since the last issue! Wow. This was a silly yet delightful series about a neurotic model chick with a runny nose problem. You would think I would run into one of these girls in LA over the years but I haven’t. I did have a girl I was dating all of a sudden produce a bloody nose when she was alone with me in my apartment. She definitely wasn’t a cokehead so I attributed it to her being able to bleed from the nostrils when she wasn’t down for knocking dem boots, quite impressive. Yes, I just brought the boot knockin’ phrase back, and what? Anyway, this is why you don’t take long ass layoffs from your book, because it’s invariably going to suck or be less enjoyable than when you left unless you really really bring the ruff neck business. I’m looking at you Saga, and Monstress. O’Malley decided to show Snottie’s Boobies along with her new Hawt GF’s boobies in a big ‘Welcome Back’ ish but all they did was provide a brief ooh before spoiling the tension of the previous issues. The whole comic felt eye roll silly, not whimsical and fun. It’s been so long since I read one of these I can’t even remember where the plot left off. So as a ‘first issue’ of sorts it was quite blah and looking at the upcoming issues, they look blah as well. Safe to say it’s a different world today than it was in March of 2020. A world where a model babe with a drop dead gorgeous girlfriend who doesn’t seem to have a snotty nose problem anymore really doesn’t grab me. Dropping this like a snotty sinus infection tissue in my cheap bathroom garbage thingy. 5.2

 

Well, if you’re wondering what Belit the Savage Pirate Queen of the Black Coast would look like as a Disney Princess then this is the issue for you. Yeesh, Danica Whoever is definitely the 3rd String Quarterback Artist behind De La Torre and Braithwaite. A bit of. a dirty trick on Titan's part by having a De La Torre main cover while having a new Artist on the actual pages. These pages look like Darkwing Duck Material. Of course the difference between this Disney Princess is that you’re gonna get a lot of panels with nekkid boobies, which is nice. A plot point and wardrobe gripe: So Conan and Belit have just knocked boots (boot knocking!) in a bedroom in a tavern, they’re butt nekked, because of the boot knocking, and they hear thieves on the roof coming down to rob them. When the Thieves land on their balcony they’re fully clothed again, WTF? Do you think these two savage IDGAF heroes would deem it necessary to get their clothes back on??? Belit even has all of her necklaces and bracelets back on, like she needed to get ready before murdering some thieves - Conan: 'Dammit Girl! They're here', Belit: 'Just one more Nose Ring left to put in my Lion'. Like, if Danica drew a butt nekkid Conan and Belit slashing their way through some run of the mill loser thieves then I would have hailed this as a monumentally fantastic issue. As it stands, it's the first miscue from Titan's magnificent Conan experience. I will forgo the next issue in this two-issue blip and wait for one of the Top 2 QBs to return to knock some story boots. 3.0

 

 

Reading Saga these days is like watching the last season of Cheers, or maybe even Happy Days. It feels like BKV is just going through the motions, nothing is happening yet we come back because the love we have for the book has never died even though the mind of it’s creator seemingly has. It’s not like this comic has jumped the shark but the shark is jumping around in a carnival in a space ship so it’s really fucking close. Look, Fiona could draw on the back of the box of my non-dairy coconut cream coffee creamer and I’d buy it up every month, which makes me wonder - what if Fiona took a hiatus and BKV didn’t? Can you imagine someone else drawing this book, it would be an absolute disaster and fully droppable. The last 17 issues have been so blah they should be put on anti-depressants or I dunno, someone needs to go down on this story line and suck on it 'til it cums back to life. BKV says the next issue is going to be some major pivotal oh shit issue that he’s been dying to do forever. We shall see. Meandering plot lines and pages of letters with everyone saying how much this comic saved their lives or gave them a connection to someone who they eventually married is getting tired. I think Fraction and Zdarsky should take over the letters of this book and make it Sex Criminallish, now that would be a must read comic. C’mon BKV, find that magic homie you’re an issue away from putting Ghus on jet skis with a dozen Lying Cats floating on buoys off the Santa Monica pier. 6.3

 

 

Not sure this was the Spidey issue I was looking for. Seems like Hicksy likes to throw these curveballs into the mix where there’s no action just talking heads and relationship dialogue. Maybe deep down Hicksy wants to be writing TV Dramas on Oxygen Network or something. I definitely do not think all the Spidey fans of this book were thinking back in December ‘Man I hope Hicksy comes out with an issue where he delves into the interpersonal relationship of MJ and her estranged sister along with the complicated dynamics she shares with her Divorced Boss Mom during a holiday party for the entire comic'. Or maybe I just out of touch with the kids these days. Maybe Hicksy forgot he was writing this book and threw this together from scraps of dialogue from his ‘Oxygen Network’ desktop folder during a hop skip and a jump flight from LA to Vegas.Yeah Yeah, I get it, big Kraven issue incoming blah blah but this was a bit of zzzzzzzz. I did inhale the Kraven issue right after this one and although it was a little goofy, the whole ‘Drop Peter and Harry in the Prehistoric World of the Mole Man before Kraven hunts them down' is brilliant. This is still the only Marvisney title worth reading these days other than their facsimile reprints. 7.7

 

 

I just can’t with this fucking monkey detective. Why? Like, why? Who is this thing? I’m not like a huge longtime DC reader outside of Bats so is he some fever dream from the 60s when all the DC writers were doing acid? Am I supposed to be amused by a monkey detective? Are they butt hurt that Gerard Way took their talking monkey character and made a gajillion bux from it with his wonderful ‘Umbrella Academy’ comics and dirt garbage TV show on Netflix? It just takes this elevated tone that King brought to this great run and smears it in banana peels. Like, the Monkey is making banana jokes. Also, the Sovereign is all of a sudden a bumbling Mr. Burns rather than this sinister character that’s been slowly building for almost 2 years. It’s a bummer cuz this has been such a great run by King but it feels like it’s monkey poopin’ out as it swings to the finale. I just assume King like everyone who works at the Big Poo has been blackmailed into something, so whenever DC or Marvel wants something done or when they want to humiliate their writer to remind them who’s in charge they hold it over them. King must’ve fucked up big time. It’s the only valid explanation. Maybe that’s what this Monkey Detective is all about. When you fuck up at DC or don’t do their nefarious bidding after dark they send in the chimp. 4.5

 

Hey, it's a sunny day again in La La Land! Maybe I needed to slog through these comic book reviews to put them behind me so I can bask in the dawn of a new day of comic book goodness. Oy, my doggies are barking, guys relax it's just the frikkin' Amazon dude. Hmm, big box, what the hell is this? A Batman Puzzle??? When the hell did I order a Batman Puzzle?!?!?

July '24 Reading Round Up - AI COMICS!

 

Here. We. Go. This past week Colin Kaepernick of all people came out and announced that he’s launching an AI Start-Up called ‘Lumi’ that will create AI Generated Fucking Comic Books.  Now you don’t have to sit down to draw or write a comic book you can take a knee like Colin and suck on AI’s Shlong while it makes you into a regular Jack Kirbynick. I don’t know how we got from ‘You’re not good enough to even get a roster spot on the piss poor quarterback starved Las Vegas Raiders’ to ‘Hey, has AI ruined comic books yet? Get Colin in here!’

 

 

Of course there’s all the standard jargon mumbo jumbo bullshit that makes you think that it’s going to give some disadvantaged kid with a dream who scribble his comic book ideas down with crack pipes dipped in ink: “Lumi’s mission is to democratize storytelling by providing tools for creators”, yeah yeah blah blah. Just be honest and say, "Are you a fat talentless shlub who is finding new ways to be lazy? Wanna tell the AI followers of yours that you’re creating an AI comic book for them? Well here’s Lumi".

 

Lumi? Seriously? Sounds like a cheap as fuck lamp company. Like I just bought some crappy $10 book light from Amazon that doesn’t work, I bet it’s a subsidiary of Lumi. Lumi is the name of some Vegan Café that opens in Silverlake and closes in 3 months due to shitty Yelp reviews. Lumi is the name of that Goth chick you matched with who has way too many tats but a super cute face that ropes you in until she literally ties you up with ropes in her Subaru and puts a ballgag in your mouth. Look, there’s nothing to be done about this app, it was an inevitability. If it wasn’t Colin Kaepernick it would’ve been Ryan Fitzpatrick or Andrew Luck or some other former retired QB. We’re already seeing AI Covers being unknowingly plastered on books by ignorant publishers. I’m sure the Big Poo are looking into how they can leverage AI comics and replace their entire creative team. At this point it would probably be an improvement.

 

Yes, I know, the distance between AI generated Caca and organically produced Human art is an enormous chasm right now. But every day they inch closer and closer together. There’s this notion that ‘Democratizing’ anything will make it better. We’ve done that to music, video content and films. I’m quite sure it hasn’t made anything better. It’s made it so you really have to wade through a swamp of poop to find the diamonds. I’m all for getting rid of the gatekeepers in Entertainment who climb out of Satan’s Bunghole every morning to say no to good people with good ideas. But somebody’s gotta stand on that wall and say ‘Yeah, this sucks, people shouldn’t be exposed to this junk’. Lumi: The Comic Book Version of Unsolicited Dick Pix.

 

Here's what I got into recently:

 

 

I’m trying to figure out why this book ended up on a down note for me. It’s everything I was looking for. An old school/first days of the Bat set in the 30s; a dark gritty backdrop of a book in prestige format. And yo, don’t get me wrong, the first two drops were great, well, maybe not unbelievably great. Like, the end of the first issue was a red flag; the cliffhanger was way over the top. The cliffhanger of the second was also a bit, hmmm, out of character (Bats holding a gun in his hand), although I can let that slide due to it being set in his origin story. If I had to guess, I think the vernacular just got too outta hand for me. I mentioned this before, but every line of dialogue seemed to have some sort of old timey word pulled from a 1930s lexicon of slang and phrases of the day. I mean, it got a bit ridiculous which pulled me out of the story. 

 

You know what this book was like? It’s like going on a date with a babe who you’re completely thrilled about. You’re talking about her to your friends, you’re checking out her socials and loving every bit of it. You’re looking at Astro compatability (yes you fucking are, admit it) and your signs check all the boxes. You meet up, she looks amazing…and then she starts talking. And, well, there’s something about her voice that feels like bread knife on the back of your skull. You can’t be sure but it feels like with every word that zings out of her mouth your sinuses hurt more. She’s also putting you to sleep, there’s a distinct droning that activates your melatonin and before you know it you’re drowsy at 7pm. Yeah, somebody poured her into her dress but her sound is a car alarm that doesn’t quit at 2am. Most male animals would just think, ah, well, I’ll bang her and be done with it. But you know better. You know that the noises she’ll make while in the throes of passion will ruin sex for you for at least 5 years. Your friends will ask you ‘What happened???’ You’ll want to say she sounded like a donkey being run through a wood chipper but all that will come out will be ‘I dunno, something was off’. And your friends will look at you with a gleam in their eye while thinking ‘Wow, he’s not all about looks, he really cares about vibe and what’s going on in the inside of a woman’. But you’ll know. You’ll know. First Knight was hot. But it hurt my sinuses. 8.7

I was first hipped to the work of Juni Ba in the delightful ‘Deep Cuts’ mini series that consisted of 6 different jazz vignettes. His installment was absolutely fantastic. It actually blew the other installments away it was that good. Looks like the industry is catching on to his immense talent and the jobs are coming in. I was also immensely psyched to see this in the solicits but, I dunno. It’s definitely got a  fairy-tale/stylized Netflix anime series vibe to it which is cool but, I’m not sure it fully works. One thing he did accomplish was to clarify all of the Robin characters. Juni’s succinctly summed up each of them well enough where I could at least pass a Robin quiz whereas before I would definitely fail. Let’s be honest: Tim Drake and Jason Todd are weak as fuck names for Robin. As far as I see it, it’s Dick Grayson and then bubkes. Damien is straight outta ‘The Omen’ and I’d rather see Bats all verklempt around Thalia than deal with a spitfire kid.

 

This feels like a YA title. There’s an ‘aww shucks, air this at 3pm for the after school crowd kinda’ energy about it. My sense of this series is that DC peeped Juni’s unbelievable work in “Deep Cuts” and put him on a project they had in mind. I think Juni’s story is solid if not unspectacular but the art is for sure bananas. I don’t think Juni is really a capes and tights guy and hopefully he’s got a plethora of projects in his noodle that he’s psyched to unleash upon the world. 7.9

 

 

 

 

 

Now this what I’m talkin’ bout. Dude. Yay. I mean, for goodness sake, it’s a Spidey Comic. I just wanna read Spidey fighting shit, slinging some webs and his verbal zingers. After two BS issues of backstory bingo, one that was a complete utter dinner party bore and one that was interesting yet could’ve been boiled down to a few pages, the real creative team of this book is back and delivering the goods. I read it. It was fun. I enjoyed the escapism. Nobody was interjecting their personal bullshit it was all pure superhero in tights goodness done by two dudes at the top of their game. Can it all be so simple? Yes it can. Time to clone Hicksy and Marco and put them on every single Marvisney book until a new fresh crop of writers and artists are ready to come in and return this brand back to what made it great in the first place. 9.1

 

 

 

 

 

I somehow missed this when it came out several months ago, weird. I would have definitely grabbed it so I’m wondering how this slipped through my fingers. Perhaps it’s the Universe saving me $9, I thought. With my pulls being so low these days I had my LCS grab one for me and well, all I gotsta say is sometimes you gotta trust that the Universe has your back. My goodness this was gross, yuck. Yuck. Brian Azz, this is Yuck. You get the azz. I’m all for Westerns but this was a gory yuckfest about some steely eyed d-bag criminal who gets out of a Mexican jail and goes on his revenge spree. This includes finding his wife, who has since married a Reverend, and killing her husband. There’s lots of images of dead dogs who have been shot and a brutally intense image of a mother of a murdered family that the D-Bag and his fellow D-Bags come upon, who’s clearly been tied up, bound and, well, you get the idea, bleccch. The last straw was when one of the Wife’s three kids has a piece of his ear bitten off by one of the D-Bag’s henchman simply because the ears looked too big. Eff you B Azz, jeez. Go to therapy and work out your anger issues and Venmo me $9. Consider this DSTLRY’s first major dud. 4.5

 

I honestly can’t with this book anymore. I’ve grown weary of opening these gorgeous pages drawn by Sana Takeda. Yes, they’re gorgeous. I’ve been dating this gorgeous comic for almost 10 years now and there’s no other way to say it but she’s gone completely fucking bonkers. She just babbles incessantly about the same shit, just on a different day. I don’t see how Marj Liu can expect anyone to pick this book up after a month or so of having read the previous issue and not squint their eyes, rub their forehead and go ‘what the fuck is going on here???’. The longest relationship I’ve been in has been a little over 3 years so I don’t know how to break up with someone I’ve been with for 9 plus years. Maybe I need to take this book to comic book therapy and hash things out, is there such a thing? Can someone make it and book me for an appointment? I feel like Monstress is one of the casualties of the Mandela Effect. Maybe we’re in the alternative Universe where Monstress is a shit show and in the previous Universe it was spelled Monsstress or maybe Monstresses and it was fucking awesome. Somehow I feel in the Multiverse every Monstress version is hurting people’s brains. Monstress is a multiversal multidimensional punch to your pull list no matter where you exist. I feel like the only ones, besides myself, who are reading this book at this point are those who dress up like cats and pee in litter box that's been placed in the bathroom for them. 6.0

 

 

 

 

 

Greatness in serialized Comics requires consistency, a none too easy task especially in this day and age of hiatuses, variant cover madness and the subservience to the trade market. Yet every now and then something comes along that defies genre and the shortcomings of the industry to deliver a timeless story that will stay with you long after you add it to your long box. Rare Flavours was just that. The title encapsulated the book itself: a rare feat and a taste of something truly special. Every single offering of this six issue course was an enchanting delight, deftly written and wonderfully drawn by two masters of their craft. Rare Flavours transcended their logline and elevator pitch. It was this ephemeral paragon of storytelling, myth and family that will stay with their audience long after the embers that cooked up this beauty of a book die out. 10.0

 

 

 

 

There's a story in here where Conan turns into a Werewolf and has to fight a town that has already turned into Werewolves. GTFOH. Dude. As Stan Lee used to say: Nuff said. 9.4

That's all I got. I'm off to work on a new AI start-up called 'Homie'. It will democratize comic book blogs for everyone by providing the tools necessary to write and post blogs to the masses as if they were written by a Cholo from LA.

 

Happy Reading!