Miracleman: The Silver Age #7 - Deleted Scene

 

Are these two about to punch each other or about to kiss each other on the cover? Hard to say, but whatever it is MiracleMan has finally come to an end! Well, not really, but, at least this ‘Age’ is over. It was a – well, a decent but not stupendous finale to what ended up boiling down to a disagreement over a smoocheroo that came out of the blue. This run of 7 issues had its ups and downs for sure. Some moments popped, some dropped and some just elicited a copious amount of eye rolls.

 

Sure it’s still one of the greatest comic book concepts in the history of comic books. However, it’s as if the Beatles were working on their final album and then handed it off to someone else, perhaps Dylan or Elton or even the Stones, perish the thought. No matter what they would have done with it, it never would have been as great; just different. So perhaps we should have expected different but not great from the great Neil Gaiman.

 

Anyway, guess what I got my hands on??? A scene that was cut from the final issue of the Silver Age. Don’t ask me how I got it, it wasn’t easy. Every time I walked into Whole Foods I kept hearing everyone murmuring about this “insane” deleted scene from MM that’s been circulating on the dark web. Some have apparently seen it on the periphery of their Apple Vision Pro experiences; always out of reach. Well, after a lot of nasty business I’m going to present it to you in all its glory. Don’t ever tell me I don’t do right by you guys.

 

It takes place right after this page when MM flies to Jordan to meet Dicky.

 

 

Dicky slithers around the corner of the mountain and puts his hands on his hips.

 

Dicky: You’re a tart

 

MM: A what?

 

Dicky: Tart, as in a whore, you’re a Miraculous Tart.

 

MM: Dicky -

 

Dicky: Don’t call me that, your little tart nickname of me.

 

MM: I don’t -

 

Dicky: What’s my real name? Neville? Earnest? Oswald?

 

MM: It’s always been Dicky

 

Dicky: Yes it’s always been your little cock fantasy hasn’t it. What did you do? Get together with Gargunza the Troll to create a tidy man-hole to play with to satisfy your wicked perversions

 

MM: I did nothing of the sort.

 

Dicky: Lying little bitch.

 

MM: You’re part of the Pantheon. You’re -

 

Dicky: I’m part of your little wet hole brothel in the sky! What, you think you dress us up in fancy Miracle garb it makes us anything else other than a sucky fucky whenever you want us.

 

MM: Dauntless –

 

Dicky: Couldn’t just subsist on your Tart-Theon you had to plant one on me eh?

 

MM: I care for you Dicky

 

Dicky: You’re a bored old perv who can have and have had anybody you’ve ever wanted. I was just another notch on your Man Pussy belt.

 

MM: My Man what?

 

Dicky: Your Naughty Bits Abacus!

 

MM: Let me ask the Qys if that’s some of their tech.

 

Dicky: [tearing up] This would never have happened if your Twat Spigot of a Wife with her 80s Power Bitch Haircut never suggested you snog me.

 

MM: It’s been in me since the dawn of time, I lo –

 

[Dicky transforms into Leslie Jones and Miracle Man transforms into Steven Yeun with Tits.]

 

Dicky: What the actual shit?

 

MM: Oh, bloody hell.

 

Dicky: Is this some joke? You’re about to profess your love to me and you turn into a diminutive Asian man with big knockers?!?

 

MM: It’s Neil.

 

Dicky: Neil?

 

MM: Yes, our Authoritarian Author. He’s decided to be more inclusive and diverse for this moment. Look at yourself.

 

Dicky: What the fuck is this shit? Oh hell fucking no.

 

MM: Yes, he’s prone to these whimsical casting alterations from time to time.

 

Dicky: You tell that –

 

MM: You tell him, I’m more than spent from wheezing to the heavens at him

 

Dicky: [wails to the sky] Look motherfucker, change my ass back or I’m a bust your Gremlin looking fizzace with a quickness.

 

MM: Look at your purple haired girlfriend.

 

Dicky turns to see Meta now transformed into a Handicapped Native American Little Person.

 

Meta: I’m glad you no longer look like Colonizers.

 

Beat

 

Dicky: He did the same shit for his dumb ass Sandman series on Netflix.

 

MM: Yes, he most certainly did.

 

Dicky: That show sucked.

 

MM: I would tend to agree with you.

 

Dicky: Why did he cast Meshell Ndegeocello as Lucien? Amazing musician -

 

MM: Yes I love her work dearly

 

Dicky: Can’t act for shit.

 

MM: There were – many questionable moves.

 

Dicky: That show was drivel.

 

MM: Quite drivelous.

 

Dicky: Driveltastic.

 

MM: The driveliest for sure.

 

Dicky: You’re not allowed to fuck up Sandman.

 

MM: Seems like he did.

 

Dicky: And now he’s fucking us up.

 

MM: I wouldn’t necessarily call it a fuck-up, per se –

 

Dicky: What would you call it??

 

MM: The Miraculous Smooch he always wanted to see.

 

Dicky: Look at us now though, it’s fucking ridiculous

 

MM: It leans into the theater of absurd.

 

Dicky: You are very cute though. You in your Male Asian actor of the moment suit.

 

MM: Yes well –

 

Dicky/Leslie moves in to kiss MM/Steven. MM backs away and holds up his hand.

 

Dicky: What are you doing?

 

MM: What are you doing?

 

Dicky: I’m giving you what you wanted, your Dicky smooch, and maybe more, take your – Christ, where the hell is the zipper on this suit

 

MM: Dicky, please, I’m not really feeling -

 

Dicky: You don’t want to kiss me! You racist!

 

MM: I’m not a racist, please.

 

Dicky: You most certainly are! Oh, you wanted to kiss me as a shiny blonde alabaster boy toy but, what, now I’m too much for you?

 

MM: We all have our predilictions and proclivities and –

 

Dicky: Unfuckingbelievable!

 

MM: [Looks to the sky] Neil! That’s enough! Enough I say!

 

They are transformed back to their original selves.

 

MM: Now, where were we? [leans in for a kiss]

 

Dicky: Eww, gross, back off.

 

MM: Dicky –

 

 

There were a bunch of lines after this but they were redacted for some reason, all blacked out. Well, I hope you enjoyed this little detour onto the cutting room floor of the Great Gaiman. Fortunately, or perhaps unfortunately, MiracleMan is continuing in the ‘Dark Age’, and – no comment.

 

Rating: 8.1

Verdict: Keep Pulling and Yanking

ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN #1 - Review

 

I got a bone to pick with you Hickman. Shit, I got a whole skeleton to pick with you. Me dropping 6 buckaroos on the first Spider-Man book I’ve purchased in over, oh I dunno, 30 years, gives me the right to rip you a new one since it’s your name on the book. Honestly, I don’t think I’ve bought a Spidey book since those McFarlane days back in the 90s. Those were the fucking days, when comics meant something and Heroes were fucking Heroes. Yeah, I’m amped up for this review so if you’re a jittery easily triggered neurologically damaged dweeby snowflake who drinks decaf with soy milk and eats spelt cookies sweetened with tear duct sugar then this may not be the place for you and your fragile psych.

 

Hickman, you Son of a Bitch! You left me hanging, twice! Maybe you’ve forgotten, hmm? You started two books, which were fucking amazing, and just ghosted the book! Don’t give me your excuses, who fucking does that? Who just stops writing a comic book??? Have you ever gone to a movie and it just stops halfway? You ever buy a novel that’s unfinished? Ever buy an album and all the songs just stop for no fucking reason? For those of you who may not know I’m talking about ‘The Dying and the Dead’ and the ‘Black Monday Murders’ two unbelievably spectacular comic books that not only looked beautiful beyond words but had some of the most engaging plots of the past decade or so – and yet, they just, stopped. Stopped. Dude, I get ghosted enough in my life, I don’t need comic books making me feel abandoned and wondering if they’re wrapped around some douchebag’s dick on a forever pool rather than sitting in my hands because I’m inadequate.

 

Do you hang out with Matt Fraction and talk shit about how you’ve left mad plots and story arcs hanging while smoking spliffs and peeing on pictures of Zdarsky??? Fraction, that’s another guy, leaving me hanging, Casanova, ODYC, WTF?!? You know who I would actually like to leave me hanging? Marvel. Like, every piece of content they’re working on, all of them. Like, just walk away from all of the comic books and movies, like, today, just drop them, all of them, so someone else who actually cares more about the story than the variant cover can deliver the goods to people who are starving for comics that make them go fuck yeah.

 

So, why pick this comic up if I’m so ornery, vindictive and kvetchy about Hicksy and Marvisney? Because it’s still Hicksy. Hicksy brings the ruffneck bizness. It’s like if Quentin Tarantino was tasked to direct the next mind numbing MCU flop with characters that nobody’s ever heard of, I’d be there opening night, cuz, well, it’s QT! I’d love to see a bunch of has-been actors cursing at the top of their lungs while riddling bullets at each other in front of cheezy AI graphics while Sam Jackson playing Nick Fury finally gets to say Mofo in a Marvisney movie. That’s why I picked this comic up, and guess what, it’s really good.

 

Dammit Hickman! This book is fucking good! What the hell! Uggh, I can’t lie, I want to, but I can’t. That final panel with Peter standing on the roof after becoming Spidey for the first time gave me all the feels. I even peeked ahead online to find out when the second issue was coming out. I did! Apparently I already pulled it, who knew??? Look, Hicksy can spin a tale and Checetto can draw his ass off, I mean, this should have been great no matter what. I guess I’m so used to everything coming out of Marvel’s Printing Press to be unadulterated poop the fact that it wasn’t is jarring.

 

I had zero context or idea about anything coming into this comic. I have no idea what an ‘Ultimate Universe’ is or what Spidey’s been doing for the past 30 years. Apparently he married MJ, popped out a couple of kids and grew a Hipster beard. Is he working at Micro-Brewery now? REI? Is he making calls for Bernie Sanders? Look at that beard! Did he join Kabbalah and help everyone out by spinning the red yarn bracelets in bulk from his Spidey goo? Peter looks like he hangs out with Ben Affleck and is working on a low budget documentary that Affleck is funding. I do not like this beard at all. I can see Parker with mutton chops or a little hippie patch underneath his bottom lip. This beard makes him look like he’s gonna be cast as the butt of a Larry David joke in a ritzy hotel. 

 

 

Oh, since we’re on facial hair and this is technically another Universe, ya think that J. Jonah could finally ditch the Hitler stache??? Nobody in their right or left or up in the air mind could ever look in a mirror before they shave and consciously say ‘Yup, I’m keeping the Adolph!’ Like, no way that happens. I think it’s time J. Jonah either goes clean or grows out a bushy Sam Elliott type stache. I mean, look at this guy, it’s a perfect Jonah stache. Shit, maybe Sam Elliott should run the Daily Bugle.

 

One more other gripe: the Green Goblin. Oy, I’m so over Greenie and his little rocket ship. Over it. Enough already and enough with Normie. Normie was officially ruined by Jamea Franco when he threw so many bad acting moments at that role 20 years ago it almost caused the MCU to implode before it got started. My goodness, he was fucking awful. Next, look at Greenie’s suit. It’s either Iron Man meets the Incredible Hulk or it’s Yeezy.

 

I’m gonna say it’s Yeezy, which would be incredible. I can totally see Yeezy rocking this outfit. Did you see what he wore to the Super Bowl??? Google it, it's too creepy to even post let alone look at again.

 

If Hicksy is Ballsy enough to have had Yeezy be the guy Normie calls to be Greenie that would be the most Ultimate Fucking Universe Everrrr!!!  Oh, one more thing, Hicksy steals the Princess Leia holographic message Star Wars gimmick when he has Tony Stark deliver a holographic message from an object. I guess if you own Star Wars and Spidey it’s kosher and a natural fit but it was blatantly obvious. Despite all of these missteps and the mystery of whether it is or is not Yeezy, this book was a - uggh can’t believe I’m saying this, a joy to read.  

 

I mean, let’s be real, this could turn into a dumpster fire real quick. Yeezy’s Green Goblin can start hurling swastikas at Spidey and before you know it this book will be dropped in the middle just like Dying & The Dead and Black Monday Murders. But as for right now, in this moment, I will cede and admit, it was a pretty damn great Spidey comic, despite the familiar tropes and stolen Obi Wan device.

 

Now look Hicksy, I’m still fucking pissed at you and I still want you to man up and finish what you started. Howeverrr, you just got me genuinely amped about a character that I haven’t been amped about since Slick Willie was in the White House banging interns; so that’s quite an accomplishment. Now, you know that there’s no way for Peter to be swinging around town with that Hipster beard under his skintight mask. I’m gonna haveta insist that he shaves his allegiance to Stumptown Coffee and Socialism off of his mug, unless of course Yeezy takes off the Greenie helmet and he has his Hipster beard as well. Then, all is forgiven. And I mean ALL.

 

Rating: 8.8

Verdict: Pull

 

THE BEST COMIC BOOKS OF 2023

 

                  THE BEST COMIC BOOKS OF 2023

Is the Comic Book Industry falling apart? Well, I think you can swap out ‘Comic Book Industry’ and put almost any business model, institution or political party before the words ‘falling apart’ and it would be an apt statement for this past year or two. Yet this year, more than any other, has been in my view one of the roughest years of comic books that I can remember. It just felt waaaay off. I mean, I hear how LCS retailers are constantly complaining about the publishers. I see how stores are closing all over the country. I hear the Comic Book Pundits (am I one? Mmm, not really) decrying the ills and missteps of the industry itself. Fans seem to whining and moaning left and right, what the fuck is going on?

 

Well, I can only speak from the experience of a dude who has been buying comics for over 40 years. What I would say is, mmm, it’s not that it’s falling apart it’s that it’s been reassigned. In other words, comics are means to other ends especially when you’re talking about the Big Poo (the Big 2). For these corporate death stars, comics feed into its inordinate amount of IP offerings that are charted on X & Y Axis graphs and all kinds of business degree mumbo jumbo bullshit that have basically ruined comic books. Sure, the independents are going strong. Wait, no, scratch that, Image is still going strong while other independents thrash and claw for a limited audience with either rehashed characters or gruesome over the top silly horror/sexy books. Dark Horse got bought out by a gaming company and their titles have also sunk to new lows of blecchh. Even Image, as wonderful as they are, didn’t knock a lot out of the park this year.

 

Here’s the bottom line for me: I bought 150 comic books this year. That’s the lowest amount of comics I’ve purchased since I started keeping track of it about 15 years ago. Back in the heyday of 2016-2018 I was buying over 300 comics a year. So what happened? Well, Marvel got bought out by Satan aka Disney and their comics became all but unreadable. 

 

I seriously root for Disney’s stock to crater every day with the hopes that, I dunno, they sell Marvel cuz they need the cash or don’t care anymore? DC? I dunno either, last year was the year of their amazing run of Black Label titles, this year? Pure poop. I don’t think anyone knows what the fuck to do or how to do it over in DC and it shows. Their recent Aqua Turd movie is dead in the water as was most of the garbage they put out this year. So when you have the Two Pillars of the Industry mired in caca it fucks things up for everyone else. One would think “oh there’s now a void to fill because Marvel & DC are churning out titles that look like the pink goo that they make McNuggets with” but it’s actually the opposite. Hate on them as much as you want but Marvel & DC are comic books. If they’re going strong everybody is going strong because that means butts in the Comic Book shops which means more sales of the independent offerings.

 

Here’s another reason why I bought less books: y’all raised the prices a bit too much. See, back in the day I could jump on a book for 5-6 issues, grab a mini-series for 4 issues, try out a series and spend about $15, woop dee doo. Now, every story arc/mini series is like $25-30, hmm, yeah fuck that! If issue one sucks, buh to the bye homie. Now I’ll check out the solicits for future issues to see what’s going on with the plot before I decide to pick something up whereas before I wouldn’t care, I’d just add it to my pull and read the whole series, because, well, I love comics. But I’m not trying to spend over $100 a month on comics right now especially since most of them are so disappointing. So with the quality of books in the toilet and the prices up it makes for a very nasty combination.

 

Mark Millar, who I’m not a big fan of but who I deeply respect as guy who loves comics, had this to say on what he thinks should be the fix for the industry

 

Mark Millar's Comic Book Plan

 

I wouldn’t know if this would work or not but it’s clear to me that something has to change. Somebody has to come in and clean fucking house at the Big 2 like Javier Milei is doing in Argentina. I need a Comic Book Geek of the People to go in the same way that Javier did and get rid of all the Editors and Ideological Fuckwits that have ruined Hero Books.

 

Yo Marvel and DC Dipshit Editors? AFUERA!

 

There’s a guy who makes amazing videos about the Comic Book Industry. I would say he is the true voice of reason for Comic Book Geeks like myself and it’s clear that he loves comics as much as anyone. I remember watching a video of his where he said that the Big 2 were more interested in the Variant Cover market than they were in actually making good comics. So, that makes a whole lot of sense to me. People are buying up covers at astronomical prices regardless of what’s inside so the more you poop out and the more you create artificial scarcity for them the more shekels you will make. That’s all well and good for your corporate hooker and blow budget but, yeah, sucks for us. If that is what’s really going on then we may not see the end of this downturn for a while until they cut back on these variants. You can check out this dude’s channel here:

 

Thinking Critical 

 

Anyway, as for the ‘Best of the Year’ it was a slog to say the least. Last year I chose a dozen books that were absolutely amazing along with some honorable mentions. This year? I couldn’t even find 10 titles that blew me out of the water. Not even 10 for goodness sake. I went over every week of my pulls and, man, I pulled a lot of stuff that ended up sucking ass. To be clear, this list isn’t of comics that were good, or decent or really good. This is a list of Greatness. This is a list of books that after I put them down I went ‘That was fucking awesome’ If I didn’t feel like that then it’s not on this list. So yeah, not that many to choose from but these did the trick, here ya go…

 

 

8. Deep Cuts - A series of stories that travel through the history of Jazz? Sign me the fuck up! Kyle Higgins and Joe Clark along with some bad ass artists deliver some wonderfully poignant and historically accurate tales that span the early decades of Jazz. I really wish this was an ongoing series rather than a standard ‘Six issues and we’re done’ affair. That’s something that would be exciting to dive into every month. I really loved the sheet music that they included in the back matter and the homage to Blue Note. This was Image's Golden Offering of the Year by far. For some reason they dropped three issues and then stopped in July but it looks like they’re picking up again in January. 

 

 

7. barnstormers - Dark Horse has been reprinting all of Scott Snyder’s Comixology’s Originals Digital Series into 3 issue Drops for the past year or so. One was atrocious (We Have Demons) one was mediocre (Night of the Ghoul) one was really good (Clear) but this one was downright awesome. I’d say the main reason besides an out of the box story of a death defying pilot and his forbidden love on the run is Tula Lotay’s spectacularly beautiful art that graced each and every panel. Bonnie & Clyde take to the air! What an absolute joy to read. Snyder’s got another one that just started, ‘Canary’ and so far it’s also a great first issue. Go Scott Go!

 

 

 

 

 

6. The Avengers: War Across Time - The best thing Marvisney put out all year by far was a Retro Series. What a fucking blast it was to read a story that hit on all the right notes from the Golden Era of Comics! They dusted off some dude named Paul Levitz who was probably busy noshing on a pastrami sandwich at Katz’s Deli and made him pop out a paean to what made hero books great: bright colors, silliness, goofy and sexy dialogue, gravitas, time machines and buildings and streets that were always being destroyed or spewing lava men. I’ve been saying for years that Marvisney should just publish monthly facsimile issues of their great titles like Spidey & FF & The Avengers on a monthly basis so it could give us the feeling that we’re reading them as if we were living back in the 60s when they first came out. But that would be too much fun, so, that won't work these days.

 

 

 

 

5. Love Everlasting - The second arc of what very well might be Tom King’s masterpiece of a series upped the ante and the wow factor on what already was a perfectly executed story of Joan Peterson and the multiple timelines of deadly love that follows and torments her through all of her lives in all of the different eras that she has lived in. Written in the style of a dimestore comic book romance this mind trip of a book just kept getting better and better from issue to issue. It’s one of those rare books that you really get excited about when you see a new issue pop up on the solicits. Elsa Charretier is officially an Art Super Star and I will follow her work wherever she goes. I will also say that so far King's first few issues on Wonder Woman are quite good, the best Dubz story I’ve read in ages! Tom King comin’ wit da ruffneck bidness in the two three boyeee.

4. Batman: City of Madness - It was a really tough year for my homie Bats. I just could not get into anything that he was in. All the books were just blah or refried plot beans. Sean Murphy ended his beyond brilliant White Knight run on a ‘ehh, that was cool but not great’ note then handed it off to his wonderful wife and a putz who wrote a series about the Joker’s kids which I couldn’t stomach. I suffered month after month begging the Comic Book Universe to deliver me a majestic Bat Book and it finally answered my prayers at the very end of the year with Christian Ward’s eye popping beast of a book. My goodness, give this man an ongoing series for the next five years! In a year of cheap fake meat Bat burger stories this was the Wagyu patty with the Goldleaf Bun story that beat the bejeezus out of them all. Hopefully this is the beginning of a new run of great Black Label titles.

 

 

 

 

 

3. Rare Flavours - The creative team behind one of the best comics of the decade ’The Many Deaths of Laila Starr’ returned with another magical tale that invoked the earthly representation of another Hindu deity. This time around it’s a Raksha or demon that fancies itself as a type of cannibalistic Anthony Bourdain. Each issue just feels like an event as you’re transported away from your life and immersed into a fully realized elevated world of monstrous beauty. I feel like these two had a conversation that went something like 'Should we tell the Demon Bourdain story now or should we wait?' as if they were waiting for the perfect moment to unleash this gem of a story on humanity.  Ram V and Filipe Andrade have that uncanny artistic synergy that doesn’t come along very often in comics. Catch them while you can. 

2. A Vicious Circle - Only one issue of this mind blowing three issue series was released this year, over six months after its first issue which was released in December of 2022 but oh what a fucking issue it is. The art in this comic is absolutely astonishing. Lee Bermejo puts on a clinic on how to turn a comic book into art gallery material. I suppose with the amount of assumed work and attention to detail that went into each of the first two issues it’s understandable why it takes them so long to release them. Mattson Tomlin’s exhilarating time jumping story of mortal enemies does more than enough to keep up with Bermejo’s legendary work. A book like this puts publishers and creators on notice. This is how it’s done. This is how you make a statement to the world on why comic books matter. Despite it being limited to only three issues this is a time traveling book for the ages.

1. Conan The Barbarian - By Crom you did it! You wrested the Conan license away from the evil clutches of Marvisney and showed the entire planet how to make a Hero Book. True, this Cimmerian isn’t like the heroes of neon tights and inter-galactic superpowers but make no mistake, this Barbarian slashed his way through those mangy curs to the top of the heap of the comic book world this year. Oh, what a joy to experience the true unbridled love that the creators of this comic most certainly have for this character and for them to have the courage to present him in all of his glory. In a pathetic world where nitwits, meager mealy mouthed toads and spindly cowards froth at the mouth with their idiotic claims of toxic masculinity, Titan Comics had the balls to say ‘Yeah, fuck that, here’s Conan’. 

 

And yes, it wasn’t just their approach, Jim Zub’s writing and Roberto De La Torre’s art was as perfect a match for Conan as you could ask for. What an absolute triumph. If you’ve never read a Conan story before you could actually pick up the first arc of this book and know exactly what it’s like to read one of the best from the past as it feels just as authentic as any of Robert E. Howard’s offerings. Perhaps this is the future of comic books. Is it possible for a group of hyper excited artists and writers to somehow get the licenses from all of our favorite heroes and start them over for us? Can we join Conan on his pirate ship with Belit and do a hostile takeover of the Hulk, Spidey and Iron Man? Can we have Scott Snyder and Christian Ward storm DC's offices with guns blazing and take Batman from them? 

 

Is this the way? Will there need to be a Comic Book Civil War? Drastic times call for drastic measures. Titan's 'Conan' reminded me how amazing it is to read a heroic tale. Yes, all genres can be found in comics but it's the heroes that really shine the most. It's the heroes that we can't find in our world, lifting buildings, shooting lasers out of their eyes, flying above us, it's these heroes that we find next to the staples of the pages of our favorite childhood titles that inspire us the most. And yes, we're adults and we have jobs and responsibilities now that go beyond these tales. Yet these tales remind us of what can be, not only in the world but within ourselves. They reminds us that life is a magical journey where anything can happen at any moment. The improbable victories over evil that we read in the pages of strong iconic heroes can somehow give us what we need to overcome the obstacles that we face in our lives.

And so as we turn the page on another year I see hope for a return to this glorified experience of reading comics that sit in our hands, not in our computers. I'm not sure how it will happen but I know it's possible. 

“There is always a way, if the desire be coupled with courage,” - Conan

 

Happy New Year - Issac

DAREDEVIL #1 (2023) - Review

 

 

When you’re in a long term relationship with someone you get to see various sides of them. You get to see them evolve, devolve, look this way, look that way, talk this way, talk that way, hate something, then love it, love something then hate it so much you can’t even mention it, and so on and so on; you will run the gamut with them. That’s the beauty of being with someone for a long time. That and being able to fart around each other.

 

Being in a relationship with a Comic Book character is similar but different. The difference being, it’s as if someone were orchestrating the changes of your lover over time from afar. Like they were hired by Ed Harris in the ‘Truman Show’ control room to make changes to Truman’s wife on the fly. In the case of the Big Poo (Marvisney & DC) they’re in all likelihood orchestrating the events of your comic book characters from Satan’s ante chamber, or at least it seems like it's been that way for the past several years.

 

Needless to say I’ve broken up with almost all of my Hero characters. I’ll date Batman every now and then but it’s more like a GFE than it is actually seeing him on a regular basis. Hey, I’ve got a date with Wonder Woman this week, I hear she’s gotten her shit together; we shall see. As for Marvisney, it’s been one heartbreak after the next. My first true love, the Hulk, has been a basket case and a fucking red hot mess for years. Moon Knight was like my secret little bang bang on the side but now he’s been pimped out to the masses and I don't recognize him anymore; same with Black Panther who’s now more like a Wack Puma. Then, there’s Daredevil:

 

Through thick and thin, while garbage creative team after garbage creative team were put on other Marvisney books Double D was consistently Double your pleasure great. Didn’t matter who was on the title, it could not fail. When Zdarsky, who became the Big Poo’s little darling, joined both Bat Mizzle and Dare Dizzle I was skepticizzle. How can the guy who drew Anime cum angels in Sex Criminals be expected to carry two of the biggest hero books in the industry? Well, as it turns out he couldn’t. Batmizzle was dog pizzle and Daredizzle started out really wonderfully and then descended into one wretched plot development after the next. So I broke up with DD. It was hard. I wept. I played ‘Faithfully’ by Journey over and over.

 

 

But as I stated recently, I stalked Daredevil as one does after you break up with someone and we reunited for it’s grand finale in my La-Z-Boy for old time’s sake. Double D put out. Double D came wit dat boom bap. Yeah, it was a bummer that Chippy Z didn’t stop time so that Matt Murdock could take a dump in a flower pot in Marvisney’s office but he delivered a touching heartfelt goodbye to a series that clearly meant a lot to him.  

 

I don’t understand why it just can’t be someone’s job to write a hero book. Like, once you find someone great you just keep them at all costs regardless if they need to take months off or whatever, just stick with what works for goodness sake. Scott Snyder should be writing Batman until his fingers fall off. Brian Azzarello and Cliff Chiang should be chained down on Themyscira and writing Wonder Woman until kingdom come. Chase down Ta-Nehisi Coates and give him a replica Wakanda to lord over on an island somewhere so he can write Black Panther every, single, month.

 

As for Double D, it’s been so magnificent for so long just rotate between Bendis/Maleev, Waid/Samnee and maybe get Frank Miller off the sauce for a bit here and there. Look, I hate the Chicago Bulls but Phil Jackson coached MJ for 11 years in a row. You telling me you can’t have Matt Fraction write Hawkeye for 11 years in a row with time off for him to get paddled and brimped in a dungeon for weeks on end? Alas, tis not so. Now Saladin Ahmed is on the 1s and 2s for the Double D breakbeat, your long-term relationship hero has undergone another complete cosmetic makeover once again. Except this time they paid the cosmetic surgeon a bit too much and it’s a word salad of way too many anchovies and stale croutons.

 

You could tell you were reading a sequential art shit show just several pages in. Daredevil was the one Marvisney character that wasn’t a strung out on the sauce addict like all the other Marvisney characters had become. He kept to himself, stayed in Hell’s Kitchen, juiced daily, did coffee enemas, and did his hero thing. After a few pages of the 873,133^rd new number one of Daredevil you knew that Double D was totally wasted and on crystal meth or maybe something stronger. What the hell happens to great writers when they go to work for the Big Poo? Something is going on in these walls that causes them to spit out caca. The editor of this book at the conclusion mentioned that Ahmed had a great run of Black Bolt back in the day. I remember that run, it was like 5 or 6 years ago, it was phenomenal. I had never read Black Bolt before but I distinctly remember Ahmed’s take on it being wonderfully done. So why are creators turning into echoes of themselves when they go to work for the big guyz these days?

 

Look, this story was pedestrian at best, Elektra is possessed, Matt doesn’t remember anything, then does, he’s Father Double D kicking frat boy thugs one moment and then flying all over the city the next. I dunno, it just feels cheap and rushed, maybe it’s because the art looks like it was done by a School of Visual Arts student on an antiquated graphics program. Seriously, these pages look like the kind of art you’d see for those Hostess Cupcake ads you’d find in the Marvel books back in the 70s or 80s. The editor at the end of the issue, while extolling the virtues of everyone, went on to say that the artist was the best in the biz and that, and I quote "His characters are expressive and true to life". Dude. Seriously? Dude.

 

Look at this:

Wow. So expressive. Is that a comic book or AI doing Human face. His face is saying a million words to me. Unfortunately they're all the same word. It's: Huh?

This next panel is where Elektra convinces Matt to get rid of his cheek bones:

 

 

I feel like Matt's hair keeps changing while his face keeps being reduced to a Robot. This is really really unsatisfying art:

I mean, who is this? Elektra or Maribel from around the block?

These characters look like your average 'Women with Text Bubbles' artist stuff, can't remember the name of who made them, but they all look like this:

Another gripe, dude, you charged me 7 bucks for this piece of swill? Really? 7 bucks? Why? What in your pathetic Marvisney minds made you think this was worth 7 bucks? Cuz it's 56 pages? So what? Here's what you say, to comic geeks:

 

'Hey we know we're moving on from what was another great run (for me not so much) for Daredevil with a new writer and artist and you might feel hesitant to check them out, so here's double the issue for 4 bux, enjoy!'

Remember when Marvel books had a big explosion on the upper left that said 'Still only 35cents!'? Now it should read 'Still figuring out how we can make all of our comics $5 to $6 each'.

 

One of the greatest books ever put out in recent memory was last year’s Wonder Woman Historia. It was in an oversized prestige format and that was 8 bucks! This comic wasn’t even a fancy variant! DSTLRY’s Devil’s ballsack was a whopping $10 but it was huge and had unfinished ideas from all of the greatest comic book creators that the industry has to offer. You give me AI art, a Caesar’s Saladin and two fingers in my eyes like you’re Mo from the Three Stooges. 

 

We're breaking up Marvisney! Get out of my comic book rack! You’re not putting out anymore Marvisney! Granted I’m not the horndog I once was but I still need my comic booky nooky every now and then and your story poon has dried the fuck up.

Couple in the fact that the new Daredevil series that Marvisney was doing has been all but cancelled and things are looking bleak for Double D. It's probably for the best it got cancelled. What? You thought 'Daredevil: Born Again' was going to be as good or better than the greatest Hero TV Show in the history of Hero television? Netflix's 'Daredevil' was bar none the greatest original show that Netflix ever put out save for 'Stranger Things'. You think Marvisney's penchant for ruining everything was going to make this show better?

 

You might think I'm being harsh about this comic. C'mon, it's Double D, give him a chance to make you love him again. Nah, I've been around the block enough times to know a dumpster fire of sequential art when I see it. 

 

Look, Double D, it's not me, it's you.

 

Rating: 5.1

Verdict: Buh Bye