THE BEST COMIC BOOKS OF 2023

 

                  THE BEST COMIC BOOKS OF 2023

Is the Comic Book Industry falling apart? Well, I think you can swap out ‘Comic Book Industry’ and put almost any business model, institution or political party before the words ‘falling apart’ and it would be an apt statement for this past year or two. Yet this year, more than any other, has been in my view one of the roughest years of comic books that I can remember. It just felt waaaay off. I mean, I hear how LCS retailers are constantly complaining about the publishers. I see how stores are closing all over the country. I hear the Comic Book Pundits (am I one? Mmm, not really) decrying the ills and missteps of the industry itself. Fans seem to whining and moaning left and right, what the fuck is going on?

 

Well, I can only speak from the experience of a dude who has been buying comics for over 40 years. What I would say is, mmm, it’s not that it’s falling apart it’s that it’s been reassigned. In other words, comics are means to other ends especially when you’re talking about the Big Poo (the Big 2). For these corporate death stars, comics feed into its inordinate amount of IP offerings that are charted on X & Y Axis graphs and all kinds of business degree mumbo jumbo bullshit that have basically ruined comic books. Sure, the independents are going strong. Wait, no, scratch that, Image is still going strong while other independents thrash and claw for a limited audience with either rehashed characters or gruesome over the top silly horror/sexy books. Dark Horse got bought out by a gaming company and their titles have also sunk to new lows of blecchh. Even Image, as wonderful as they are, didn’t knock a lot out of the park this year.

 

Here’s the bottom line for me: I bought 150 comic books this year. That’s the lowest amount of comics I’ve purchased since I started keeping track of it about 15 years ago. Back in the heyday of 2016-2018 I was buying over 300 comics a year. So what happened? Well, Marvel got bought out by Satan aka Disney and their comics became all but unreadable. 

 

I seriously root for Disney’s stock to crater every day with the hopes that, I dunno, they sell Marvel cuz they need the cash or don’t care anymore? DC? I dunno either, last year was the year of their amazing run of Black Label titles, this year? Pure poop. I don’t think anyone knows what the fuck to do or how to do it over in DC and it shows. Their recent Aqua Turd movie is dead in the water as was most of the garbage they put out this year. So when you have the Two Pillars of the Industry mired in caca it fucks things up for everyone else. One would think “oh there’s now a void to fill because Marvel & DC are churning out titles that look like the pink goo that they make McNuggets with” but it’s actually the opposite. Hate on them as much as you want but Marvel & DC are comic books. If they’re going strong everybody is going strong because that means butts in the Comic Book shops which means more sales of the independent offerings.

 

Here’s another reason why I bought less books: y’all raised the prices a bit too much. See, back in the day I could jump on a book for 5-6 issues, grab a mini-series for 4 issues, try out a series and spend about $15, woop dee doo. Now, every story arc/mini series is like $25-30, hmm, yeah fuck that! If issue one sucks, buh to the bye homie. Now I’ll check out the solicits for future issues to see what’s going on with the plot before I decide to pick something up whereas before I wouldn’t care, I’d just add it to my pull and read the whole series, because, well, I love comics. But I’m not trying to spend over $100 a month on comics right now especially since most of them are so disappointing. So with the quality of books in the toilet and the prices up it makes for a very nasty combination.

 

Mark Millar, who I’m not a big fan of but who I deeply respect as guy who loves comics, had this to say on what he thinks should be the fix for the industry

 

Mark Millar's Comic Book Plan

 

I wouldn’t know if this would work or not but it’s clear to me that something has to change. Somebody has to come in and clean fucking house at the Big 2 like Javier Milei is doing in Argentina. I need a Comic Book Geek of the People to go in the same way that Javier did and get rid of all the Editors and Ideological Fuckwits that have ruined Hero Books.

 

Yo Marvel and DC Dipshit Editors? AFUERA!

 

There’s a guy who makes amazing videos about the Comic Book Industry. I would say he is the true voice of reason for Comic Book Geeks like myself and it’s clear that he loves comics as much as anyone. I remember watching a video of his where he said that the Big 2 were more interested in the Variant Cover market than they were in actually making good comics. So, that makes a whole lot of sense to me. People are buying up covers at astronomical prices regardless of what’s inside so the more you poop out and the more you create artificial scarcity for them the more shekels you will make. That’s all well and good for your corporate hooker and blow budget but, yeah, sucks for us. If that is what’s really going on then we may not see the end of this downturn for a while until they cut back on these variants. You can check out this dude’s channel here:

 

Thinking Critical 

 

Anyway, as for the ‘Best of the Year’ it was a slog to say the least. Last year I chose a dozen books that were absolutely amazing along with some honorable mentions. This year? I couldn’t even find 10 titles that blew me out of the water. Not even 10 for goodness sake. I went over every week of my pulls and, man, I pulled a lot of stuff that ended up sucking ass. To be clear, this list isn’t of comics that were good, or decent or really good. This is a list of Greatness. This is a list of books that after I put them down I went ‘That was fucking awesome’ If I didn’t feel like that then it’s not on this list. So yeah, not that many to choose from but these did the trick, here ya go…

 

 

8. Deep Cuts - A series of stories that travel through the history of Jazz? Sign me the fuck up! Kyle Higgins and Joe Clark along with some bad ass artists deliver some wonderfully poignant and historically accurate tales that span the early decades of Jazz. I really wish this was an ongoing series rather than a standard ‘Six issues and we’re done’ affair. That’s something that would be exciting to dive into every month. I really loved the sheet music that they included in the back matter and the homage to Blue Note. This was Image's Golden Offering of the Year by far. For some reason they dropped three issues and then stopped in July but it looks like they’re picking up again in January. 

 

 

7. barnstormers - Dark Horse has been reprinting all of Scott Snyder’s Comixology’s Originals Digital Series into 3 issue Drops for the past year or so. One was atrocious (We Have Demons) one was mediocre (Night of the Ghoul) one was really good (Clear) but this one was downright awesome. I’d say the main reason besides an out of the box story of a death defying pilot and his forbidden love on the run is Tula Lotay’s spectacularly beautiful art that graced each and every panel. Bonnie & Clyde take to the air! What an absolute joy to read. Snyder’s got another one that just started, ‘Canary’ and so far it’s also a great first issue. Go Scott Go!

 

 

 

 

 

6. The Avengers: War Across Time - The best thing Marvisney put out all year by far was a Retro Series. What a fucking blast it was to read a story that hit on all the right notes from the Golden Era of Comics! They dusted off some dude named Paul Levitz who was probably busy noshing on a pastrami sandwich at Katz’s Deli and made him pop out a paean to what made hero books great: bright colors, silliness, goofy and sexy dialogue, gravitas, time machines and buildings and streets that were always being destroyed or spewing lava men. I’ve been saying for years that Marvisney should just publish monthly facsimile issues of their great titles like Spidey & FF & The Avengers on a monthly basis so it could give us the feeling that we’re reading them as if we were living back in the 60s when they first came out. But that would be too much fun, so, that won't work these days.

 

 

 

 

5. Love Everlasting - The second arc of what very well might be Tom King’s masterpiece of a series upped the ante and the wow factor on what already was a perfectly executed story of Joan Peterson and the multiple timelines of deadly love that follows and torments her through all of her lives in all of the different eras that she has lived in. Written in the style of a dimestore comic book romance this mind trip of a book just kept getting better and better from issue to issue. It’s one of those rare books that you really get excited about when you see a new issue pop up on the solicits. Elsa Charretier is officially an Art Super Star and I will follow her work wherever she goes. I will also say that so far King's first few issues on Wonder Woman are quite good, the best Dubz story I’ve read in ages! Tom King comin’ wit da ruffneck bidness in the two three boyeee.

4. Batman: City of Madness - It was a really tough year for my homie Bats. I just could not get into anything that he was in. All the books were just blah or refried plot beans. Sean Murphy ended his beyond brilliant White Knight run on a ‘ehh, that was cool but not great’ note then handed it off to his wonderful wife and a putz who wrote a series about the Joker’s kids which I couldn’t stomach. I suffered month after month begging the Comic Book Universe to deliver me a majestic Bat Book and it finally answered my prayers at the very end of the year with Christian Ward’s eye popping beast of a book. My goodness, give this man an ongoing series for the next five years! In a year of cheap fake meat Bat burger stories this was the Wagyu patty with the Goldleaf Bun story that beat the bejeezus out of them all. Hopefully this is the beginning of a new run of great Black Label titles.

 

 

 

 

 

3. Rare Flavours - The creative team behind one of the best comics of the decade ’The Many Deaths of Laila Starr’ returned with another magical tale that invoked the earthly representation of another Hindu deity. This time around it’s a Raksha or demon that fancies itself as a type of cannibalistic Anthony Bourdain. Each issue just feels like an event as you’re transported away from your life and immersed into a fully realized elevated world of monstrous beauty. I feel like these two had a conversation that went something like 'Should we tell the Demon Bourdain story now or should we wait?' as if they were waiting for the perfect moment to unleash this gem of a story on humanity.  Ram V and Filipe Andrade have that uncanny artistic synergy that doesn’t come along very often in comics. Catch them while you can. 

2. A Vicious Circle - Only one issue of this mind blowing three issue series was released this year, over six months after its first issue which was released in December of 2022 but oh what a fucking issue it is. The art in this comic is absolutely astonishing. Lee Bermejo puts on a clinic on how to turn a comic book into art gallery material. I suppose with the amount of assumed work and attention to detail that went into each of the first two issues it’s understandable why it takes them so long to release them. Mattson Tomlin’s exhilarating time jumping story of mortal enemies does more than enough to keep up with Bermejo’s legendary work. A book like this puts publishers and creators on notice. This is how it’s done. This is how you make a statement to the world on why comic books matter. Despite it being limited to only three issues this is a time traveling book for the ages.

1. Conan The Barbarian - By Crom you did it! You wrested the Conan license away from the evil clutches of Marvisney and showed the entire planet how to make a Hero Book. True, this Cimmerian isn’t like the heroes of neon tights and inter-galactic superpowers but make no mistake, this Barbarian slashed his way through those mangy curs to the top of the heap of the comic book world this year. Oh, what a joy to experience the true unbridled love that the creators of this comic most certainly have for this character and for them to have the courage to present him in all of his glory. In a pathetic world where nitwits, meager mealy mouthed toads and spindly cowards froth at the mouth with their idiotic claims of toxic masculinity, Titan Comics had the balls to say ‘Yeah, fuck that, here’s Conan’. 

 

And yes, it wasn’t just their approach, Jim Zub’s writing and Roberto De La Torre’s art was as perfect a match for Conan as you could ask for. What an absolute triumph. If you’ve never read a Conan story before you could actually pick up the first arc of this book and know exactly what it’s like to read one of the best from the past as it feels just as authentic as any of Robert E. Howard’s offerings. Perhaps this is the future of comic books. Is it possible for a group of hyper excited artists and writers to somehow get the licenses from all of our favorite heroes and start them over for us? Can we join Conan on his pirate ship with Belit and do a hostile takeover of the Hulk, Spidey and Iron Man? Can we have Scott Snyder and Christian Ward storm DC's offices with guns blazing and take Batman from them? 

 

Is this the way? Will there need to be a Comic Book Civil War? Drastic times call for drastic measures. Titan's 'Conan' reminded me how amazing it is to read a heroic tale. Yes, all genres can be found in comics but it's the heroes that really shine the most. It's the heroes that we can't find in our world, lifting buildings, shooting lasers out of their eyes, flying above us, it's these heroes that we find next to the staples of the pages of our favorite childhood titles that inspire us the most. And yes, we're adults and we have jobs and responsibilities now that go beyond these tales. Yet these tales remind us of what can be, not only in the world but within ourselves. They reminds us that life is a magical journey where anything can happen at any moment. The improbable victories over evil that we read in the pages of strong iconic heroes can somehow give us what we need to overcome the obstacles that we face in our lives.

And so as we turn the page on another year I see hope for a return to this glorified experience of reading comics that sit in our hands, not in our computers. I'm not sure how it will happen but I know it's possible. 

“There is always a way, if the desire be coupled with courage,” - Conan

 

Happy New Year - Issac

WONDER WOMAN #2 - Review

 

After a promising first date with Double Dubz main title I’m back for more. Whether it’s punishment or a handy in my La-Z-Boy remains to be seen, maybe it’s both! I would love to get into a serious relationship with WW but man, she’s been a tornado of confusing story arcs that have made my eyes bleed for a long long time. Now the King is back on a DC book and issue one was probably the best start to a new Dubz arc that I’ve seen in over a decade. Problem is, I’ve seen this from Tom King before on a hero book. A title starts off like gangbusters and then it slowly devolves into mulch. Given his recent work on the spectacular ‘Love Everlasting’ title which has gotten through two scintillating arcs without a single hitch, I’m willing to give him a little more leeway. It’s kinda like after you break up with someone you see them doing all these amazing things on their socials, like detoxing, doing yoga, rescuing an animal, wearing a sports jersey, having a garage sale for all the things she stole from you while she was at your house; aww she’s being entrepreneurial.

 

So for second dates I’m a big fan of an activity assuming you did the standard meet for a drink/coffee for the first. This can manifest as a hike or cycling somewhere together. One of my favorite down low second date ideas that I don’t feel many people use quite often is a bowling date. Bowling dates are awesome! You see her bend over, she sees you bend over, grrr. There are high fives and silly dance moves in clown shoes; it’s the best. If your date can’t let loose, have fun, be silly, banter or be competitive with you then I feel it’s clear that it’s going to end badly regardless of how much of a babe she is. Well, that’s what happened in this second issue from King. I took Dubz bowling in her sexy AF golden dubz outfit and she pretty much just pouted on the plastic seats, insisted that she bowl barefoot and didn’t high five me once after I hit a ridiculously hard spare. Oh, and she just threw the ball at the pins, no dude likes a show off ladies.

 

 

 

First off, I would like to say that I think King writes his fucking ass of for this issue. His dialogue, narration, structure and descriptives are through the roof. I particularly love this line that Dubz says:

 

 

Secondly, it’s abundantly clear that Tommy loves him some timelines. Seems like every book he’s on has multiple or concurrent timelines running in them; maybe we should call him ‘The Timeline King’. This issue is no exception as he juxtaposes his present day story with Dubz as a kid challenging an Amazon in Themyscira twice her size during the Amazon trials or games. This time around it works wonderfully as both stories really play off of each other and color in the moments between Dubz as a kid and as woman. So for now, The Timeline King has got it poppin’, let’s hope he doesn’t drop 3 more timelines in issue 3, ya never know.

Speaking of Themyscira, I looked up the spelling just to get it right and saw a question on the search results that asked “How do they reproduce in Themyscira?” Here was the answer:

 

To reproduce and keep the Amazon race alive, the Themyscirans raid ships on the high seas and copulate with men. At the end of the mating, they take their lives and throw their corpses into the sea rather than marry them. Triumphant, the Amazons return to Paradise Island, and wait.

 

Is this right??? Holy shit! I didn’t know this! How is any of this okay? A bunch of psychotic Six Foot Black Widow Savage Babes jumping on a ship and banging a bunch of dudes and then killing them??? They toss their dead bodies overboard? And the world of superheroes is okay with this? Like, wouldn’t the word get out,

 

‘Yo here come those pycho chicks in the shiny armor and the swords, do not let them onboard and everybody think of banging Kathy Bates and Jill Biden! Get those dicks into turtle mode boys!’

 

Can’t they just order some baby juice online with a bunch of turkey basters? Oy. Anyway. So this issue, while immensely enjoyable, does fly off the rails a bit. First, Dubz is just by herself in the valley of some desert waiting to take on the US Army for what I assume is their face off over whether Amazons should be rounded up and kicked out of the country. There’s some dude in a suit who’s smoking a cigar who is running the Army operation that is sending Steve Trevor back and forth between he and Dubz before the attack starts. Why is it that all comic book army douchebags have to smoke cigars? Nick Fury, General Thunderbolt Ross etc. Is that really a thing? Has anybody ever met a General or Army Dude that smokes a stogie while on the battlefield? Seems a bit contrived. I feel like Generals would be more apt to be cokeheads than stogie suckers. I mean what seems more realistic, dudes like Thunderbolt Ross or J. Johah Jameson smoking Cubanos before continuing their obsession over finding and killing the Hulk or Spidey or the two of them doing a shit ton of rails off their desk before turning into the lunatics that they are?

Anyway so Dubz in so many words says in her thought narration that she knows exactly how this will go based on her training. First it will be the aerial attack (bombs) then the cavalry (tanks) and then the infantry (soldiers). So they send a barrage of missiles that hit her point blank and explode all around her…and she walks out of the cloud as if she was pelted with some soft serve ice-cream. Now, at that point, if you’re the fucking US Army, wouldn’t you be like ‘Umm, we just rained a shit ton of missiles on this chick and she deleted them like they were fake dating profiles’ wouldn’t you go back to the drawing board??? You wouldn’t say ‘Okay let’s send in some tanks and if for some reason they don’t work let’s send in some soldiers to fight her at point blank range’. WTF??!!? How stupid must you be if you think tanks and soldier dudes can outdo a barrage of missiles???

 

So the Tanks come and all of a sudden Dubz turns into the Incredible Hulk:

 

 

 

Seriously? Was she always this strong? I mean, I haven’t read Dubz titles like I’ve read Bats titles but I don’t remember ever seeing her whip objects as big as tanks around like she’s from Krypton. Is she invincible? I get the Warrior Bad Ass vibe but making her impervious to missiles while tossing tanks around like I do with doggie plush toys for my little princess seems a bit over the top.

 

That said, King leaves us with a solid cliffhanger/plot development at the end of the issue, so, I dunno. I mean, the 2nd Dubz Date was decent. She looks  great. She told some amusing anecdotes. Maybe she lied a bit but, you know, that happens when you're trying to impress someone. Clearly there's a bunch of red flags here but it's not like she's going to steal my little fur baby and take off to an undisclosed location in Palm Springs or set fire to my piano. I'll give it a day or two and text her a cutesy message, maybe send her a meme. 

 

I'm down for another date but we are far far far away from entering into a relationship. But who am I kidding? It's not like I got options these days. Dubz is the only babe on my phone giving me any attention. It's like that Eddie Murphy joke, when you haven't had sex in like forever and you finally get some it's like getting a Saltine cracker after not eating for several days.

 

 

Wonder Woman #2 in 2023. The best Saltine Cracker on the Stands.

Rating: 7.7

Verdict: Pull

BATMAN: GARGOYLE OF GOTHAM #1 - Review

 

As the year hastily dwindles to a close I’m beginning to look back and take stock at what the hell I’ve been spending my hard earned cashish on. Something that’s missing from the receipts of my hard earned cashish has been an amazing Bat Book. I mean, dude, where is it? This calendar year has been devoid of anything Bat-tacular. It’s been a Rat-A-Bat-Bat of blecchh month after month. Maybe you need to have a new arc start up in Detective Comics where the B to the M is actively searching for the reason why he can’t exist in any plots that make readers go ‘Wow’.

 

Bats: I can’t put my finger on it Alfred. All the stories that are written about me suck donkey balls.

 

Alfred: What type of donkey balls Master Bruce? A Catalan Donkey? Maltese? Irish?

 

Bats: That’s just it Alfred. These stories are sucking every single breed of Donkey Sack.

 

Alfred: That’s not possible Master Bruce.

 

Bats: Here, read this –

 

Bats tosses Alfred one of DC’s 2023 Bat Book offerings. Alfred flips through it.

 

Bats: Are you going ‘Wow’ or are you going ‘Hmm’.

 

Alfred: I’m going Egad, Master Bruce.

 

Bats: Exactly. Someone or something, perhaps an existential force, is calibrating all the plots of my books to the suckage of equine sackage.

 

Alfred: How very Hip-Hop of you to say sir, adding an ‘age’ to your verbs and nouns.

 

Bats: Thanks old chum, that Sirius XM subscription you added to the Batmobile was a magnificent idea.

 

Alfred: I’m glad you’ve finally discovered EPMD Master Bruce.

 

Time is running out for Bats to deliver the Bats comic of the year. I saved this comic for today so I could delve into what looks like a Halloweenie type of comic. Not that I care about Halloween at all, it’s just, I dunno, I thought it’d be fun, cut me a break! Jeez. In the corner of my eye I spy Christian Ward’s ‘Batman: City of Madness’ in prestige format which may ultimately be the Bat Book of the year, but I already purchased this one, so…, yeah. It’s kinda like how you set up a date with a chick where you’re thinking ‘Ah, she’s cool, this could be fun’ and then you match with a smoking hot Yoga teacher who loves making smoothies and practicing reiki in the nude. 

 

You’ll go out with the ‘cool this could be fun chick’ but all you’ll be thinking about is the Yogi Babe Hoagie, such is life.

 

So for the cool, this could be fun chick, well, there are issues. First, I appreciate the amount of pages I’m getting that are completely ad-free but methinks 7 bux is a bit much. I’m getting Ward’s prestige Bat book for the same price, I think you need to knock off a few bucks here. Secondly, this may sound ridiculous, but I can’t stop thinking about the Writer/Author’s last name, Grampa. He’s Brazilian, I get that, but I immediately went to ‘Wait, are there, like, Grampas and Grannies and Aunties for last names in Brazil?’. If Mr. Grampa married someone with the last name of Granny could he then hyphenate it to Grampa-Granny and then would my head explode or just short out for a couple of minutes.

 

DC created an animated trailer for this book that Gramps put on his insta page:

 

Gargoyle Trailer

 

Their tagline is ‘When you chase your own Shadow, it leads you into the Abyss’

 

Maybe it should be ‘When you buy $3.99 books from DC, it leads you into eBay to see how much you can sell a comic that you don’t want anymore’.

 

I mean, this book is a bit confusing and slightly off. I saw that there was a lot of gripes about Gramps and his artistic style. I happen to dig it, it’s very stylized for sure. Only thing is it’s heavy on the eyes, meaning it kinda takes you a moment to take in the panels if that makes any sense; the linework is a bit busy with the detailing and caricature approach to some of the characters. It’s really cool in some instances and somewhat muddy in others; sounds exactly what dating a ‘She’s cool this could be fun’ babe would be like.

 

My main complaint is that I really don’t know what time period or universe this book exists in. By the look of Bats, it seems like they’re going for the first appearance in Detective Comics look with the slanted eye slots and curved pointier ears. But then we get panels where people are on the subway looking at their phones and then a scene with a news reporter whose online video just went viral with a hashtag. Huh? Is this the 30s or present day? The feel of it gives me the sense that it’s old school yet clearly that’s not the case but the cops are reacting like Batman just appeared on the scene. Bats is also tinkering with what seems to be his first ever Batmobile so it’s 2023 and Batman just started do his Bat thing in a world that looks old-timey. Oy vey.

 

Next, the villain, I’m not sure what to make of him, you see him, wince and go ‘Umm, what?’ It looks like something straight out of a high school/art school sketchbook. It’s doodle-ish and does not feel like he’s based in a grounded reality in relationship to the world that Gramps has created. Look at him:

 

 

So that’s tears streaming out of his eyes, he’s almost always crying or has tears just pouring out his eye ducts like he’s Daniel Kaluuya in ‘Get Out’.

 

 

 

But this dude isn’t heaving or hunching over or making any facial expressions that would indicate that he’s deeply upset; so he’s clearly not Jewish. This dude is fighting with tears just flowing out of his eyes, c’mon Grampy, feels contrived. Bats is on the tail of some serial killer that’s murdering dudes in a weird way and the whole ‘Detective Procedural’ aspect of this book actually works quite well and progresses nicely. Maybe Law & Order should hire Grampa.

 

So upon further investigation this guy's name is Crytoon, he is the Gargoyle of Gotham [crickets] umm, deep sigh, face plant, brow furrowing. Admit it, the first thing you thought of when you saw that name was wonder if there was a 'Who Framed Roger Rabbit' sequel coming out since this guy sounds like someone straight from Toonland.

Look, if you’ve got a serial killer villain who’s weeping all the time maybe you should have him on a killing spree of all the dudes who run the dating apps. I mean, I’m constantly weeping inside from having to use them maybe this Weepy Goth dude in the cool Matrix coat could be our hero? You’d find all the CEOs of apps like OKCupid, Tinder, RAYA, Hinge murdered over the mainframe computers that house the proprietary algorithms. Perhaps affixed to their bodies are little emojis that look like roses, super likes, direct requests and other bullshit that you have to pay up for in order for an AI Insta Chick to see before not responding to your messages.

 

My last gripe of the book is, how many times are we going to see Alfred descending some stairs in the Batcave with a tray and a bowl of soup on it to deliver to Brucey? 

 

 

 

You think Bats is eating soup after flying around Gotham and exerting every ounce of his energy? Homie needs a steak or an arroz con pollo or something hearty. At one point Alfred leaves a piece of cake for Bruce in the Batmobile and I’m immediately like, a loaded breakfast burrito would’ve made more sense. Seriously, we need to see heroes fueling up more. I wanna see Wonder Woman biting into a lamb chop while holding the bone. I wanna see Supes doubles fisting two roasted chickens before taking off.

 

Oy vey ismir. Going out with ‘Could be fun chick’ was kind of a bust. Now, I still may very well grab the next issue based off of the interesting procedural that Granny Grampy Campy has got going on but it’s hanging on by a thread.

 

Alright Christian Ward, you’re up next. I swear though, if I see one fucking bowl of piping hot soup anywhere in your book I’m going to blow a gasket. First Batman Artist to draw Batman devouring a steak in the Batcave should win an Eisner.

 

 

Rating: 7.1

Verdict: Pull hesitantly and cry about it

WONDER WOMAN #1 (2023) - Review

 

Pre-Date Jitters

 

It’s been a while since Double Dubs main title and I have gone out. It’s not that I’m not attracted to her it’s just that, well, she’s been a sequential art shit show for over 10 years and counting. I never was really into Double Dubs. I’m not into tall burly women who have gadgets that make you confess everything to them:

 

‘Yes I’m late because I was watching the game and checking on a fantasy football injury update it had nothing to do with traffic, okay? Get this lasso thingy off of me!’

 

But back when the New 52 was born I decided to check out Azzarello and Chiang’s ‘Wonder Woman’, it looked like it was going to be amazing, and it was. That comic began right as I started living with my soon to be fiancé/soon to be ex fiancé. She loved how I took it easy in the mornings and had a cup of joe with a comic before I started my days so she would sometimes join me. There were only two comics she would read: Saga…and Azzarello and Chiang’s Wonder Woman.

To this day I consider that run along with Batman’s ‘Court of Owls’. which also started in the New 52, as one of the best hero book runs I’ve ever experienced in my entire life; it was that good.

 

But all good things they say never last and neither did Chiangarello’s Double Dubz. Since then, well, the comic has fucking sucked, like totally putrid. I check on it every now and then at my LCS, flip through the pages and roll my eyes, uggh, what is this tripe. Now granted, last year’s ‘Wonder Woman: Historia’ was one the best things I read last year, it was a masterpiece. But that wasn’t an ongoing, that was a Black Label Droperoo. Oh, what hast thou done to my label of Adult Darkness DC??? Tis now a Poop Label.

 

Anyway, word on the street was that Dub Dubz was back and in full effect. King was bringing the ruckus. Oy, Tom King. Can’t say I’ve been a fan of King when it comes to him doing the tights and capes. Everything feels off during his runs for some reason. Yet in the past year he has lorded over one of the best ongoing series to date, ‘Love Everlasting’ an absolute beast of a comic that has dropped 10 amazing issues in a row. I’m chomping at the bit for the next arc. So, since King has created such a smash of a book it had me thinking ‘Hmm, maybe he can take some of that ‘Love’ juju and bring it to the Dubz. I was skeptical yet intrigued.

 

So here I am, about to flip through my comic rack, find Dubz #1 and sit down. I’m genuinely nervous. It’s like that babe who you saw years ago, had an amazing time with, she went batshit crazy on you, but you followed her on Insta, and then one day your buddy said he ran into her and she looked amazing, eventually in a moment of loneliness you DM her and before you know it you’re meeting her for bagels at the dope Bagel spot in Culver city. Fuck. Okay, here we go…

 

 

The Date

Well, umm, she looks a little weird, at least on the cover. Is it me? I mean, it looks like her head is a bit smaller than it should be, like the proportion is off. Look at it:

 

 

I mean, did she just get that buff that her chest and shoulders just exploded on her? I dunno, did AI draw this cover, what’s going on here. I’m a little put off just by looking at it and I legitimately stared at it for several minutes before opening it.

 

Okay, so just to be clear, I have no idea what’s been going on in this book at all or what this Dawn of DC crapola is or what the DC Universe at large has to do with Dubz at all, I’m coming in completely cold. So it’s clear that Amazons are now living all over the United States. Why? Why would they leave Paradise for this crumbling empire that is fat, sick, angry and ready to call you a bigoted racist nazi just for asking them the time? Okay, so Amazons and their, wait, their wives and daughters have moved in to the US and they’re living everywhere. Umm, I’m not so sure that’s gonna work outside of NY, LA, Miami or Frisco but, whatever.

 

The first scene is of some Blonde Amazon, killing, yes killing, 19 greaseball/douchebags in a greaseball/douchebag bar/pool hall in the middle of nowhere in Montana. At first I though Dubz went blondie, yowza hubba hubba, but turns out it was some other Amazonian. Can we just admit that having these women called the Amazons is a bit of a mind fuck since the company Amazon pretty much rules the country? Maybe the Amazons were moved here by Amazon to be the Amazon army? Now that I can believe. Maybe the Amazons are going to be the ones who finally track down and beat the shit out of all these porch thieves? Maybe they’re going to replace the drones that never worked and fly around everywhere so I could technically get my ridiculously expensive doggie jerky treats for my little baby in 15 minutes or less, delivered by a 6 foot babe in a shiny metallic outfit? 

 

Before you call me crazy let's just acknowledge the fact that Amazon employees consider themselves Amazonians. Look:

 

 Amazon Amazonians

 

 

Now I can’t stop thinking about a horde of Amazon Delivery Babes delivering stuff all day long in invisible Amazon vans, putting the comic down for a bit.

 

 

Okay, I’m back from my Amazon Amazonian Delivery Service fantasy, it was lovely. Okay, wait, why the fuck is a drop dead gorgeous Amazon babe going to a bar which looks like douchebag central and then getting upset when a douchebag, who has probably never been close to a babe such as this, goes to touch her? What did you expect to happen? Did you think they were going to sit you down and debate which brand is a better non-dairy option for coffee creamers??? Then she kills all the dudes? Like, kills them. Actually dead.

 

This is like if I had met that bat shit crazy babe who I hadn’t seen in 10 years and she told me that she now owned an Uzi and has been acquitted multiple times of murdering home invaders due to her lawyers claiming self defense. Since when do Amazons kill loser dudes?

 

Predictably the response is that some weirdo Fed guy who has a steel hand that shoots bullets is now put in charge of some lethal government task force that is responsible for gathering up all the Amazonians and shipping them out of the country. Congress passes the 'Amazon Safety Act' which I'm sure a bunch of small business owners got excited about until they realized it was about a fictional super hero. I’m not sure if King is making a commentary on our out of control illegal immigration issue or not. Now I’m on edge, is this going turn into some political diatribe, oy King, you’re killing me.

 

The task force is now apparently rounding Amazons and also killing some of them. Umm, is this the new DC? Is Batman killing people now? How about Supes? This seems a little over the top for me and excessively violent for a Dubz story. Now Amazons are all outlaws and so is Dubz and, hmm, reminds me of a bunch of hero books where the Hero is now the outcast of society blah blah, Marvisney has been doing that trope for years. Oy, King! WTF???

 

I’m getting cranky, I’m shifting in my La-Z-Boy, I’ve spilled a bit of coffee, this reunion date is not going well…until Dubz finally shows up. Oh thank goodness. King finally takes the gloves off and flexes his muscles and the results are stupendous. I mean, it’s not like he reinvented the Wonder Woman wheel but the whole scene with Dubz at a cemetery in the snow surrounded by Fed Goons and the new Fed Yucky and his Steel Glove was just perfect. Looked like Daniel Sampere saved his best work for that scene as well. Hey there hubba hubba:

If I was on my ten year reunion date with my former Batshit GF it would be here where she would tell me a hilarious story that would have me in tears while being cutesy and endearing. Then a book would fall out of her pocketbook entitled ‘How to make the Best Sandwich for a Guy who’s Watching his Favorite Team Play’ and I’d be all googly eyed.

 

We then get the introduction of some new villain who supposedly is orchestrating the Amazon persecution. Some old crotchety hawk-nosed grump who sits on a throne in a room with a masonic checkerboard floor. Hmm, is King going for the 'Conspiracy' angle? Last time I read a comic book dude try the conspiracy angle it was Tynion doing the 'Department of Truth' which was a department of mish mosh half baked caca ideas that pulled from a disparate amount of urban myths and actual verified ideas. Uggh, Tynion's a putz. 

I dunno, this villain could turn out be a complete goof or he could be powerfully imagined; it could go either way. I mean, this is DC, a comic book universe where goofiness reigns supreme. After the final frame where this villain is introduced you're thinking hmm, is this goofy or cool AF, then you turn the page and DC is promoting some are you effin' kidding me series where the Justice League meets Godzilla vs King Kong ahahahahahahahaha soo frikkin' corny!

Post Date Vibes

Hmm, well, I'm interested, this is interesting, Dubz is interesting. It's been a while since my interest has been piqued in Dubz's main title. Piqued has two meanings though, one is to be stimulated the other is to be resentful or irritated. I can see myself getting piqued by this series really quickly; it could go either way, I'm on the fence. It's like, hmm my Batshit Ex seems different, she seems like she's on the ball, she seems like she's turned a new leaf, but Batshit is lurking inside of that temptress, does it come out and if so when and how much and is it during Monday Night Football? How many sandwiches get made for me until she tosses the plate at my head and presses my face between two slices of sourdough?

I'd have more faith if this was a Black Label title, feels like writers on Black Label get way more leeway than they do on the cheaper ongoing titles. I guess I'm down for a second date even though I know it could turn into a dumpster fire.

We'll go on a hike somewhere. Yeah, a hike, zero money invested, in public, separate cars. It'll be lovely. Or, it'll be a Justice League meets King Kong and Godzilla unmitigated disaster. Man, it's rough out here tryna date.

Rating: 7.5

Verdict: Pull

BATMAN. WHITE KNIGHT: GENERATION JOKER #2 - Review

 

For the record I began reading this comic over a month ago but after I saw the first couple of pages I got so incensed and unruly that I needed to put it down and walk away for a bit. What an absolute fucking debacle the first page was. Are you kidding me? Dude, like, get Murphy back on this, stat! I wanna see Murph throw on some kicks and bust a move over to wherever the hell this Clay McDoobedyboobedy is and knock a sucka out. Knock him out Moiph! I’ve had it! My beloved White Knight now a Pudgy Beige Pawn. For all that is good and holy guacamole in the comic book galaxy can you please wipe away the stankity stank stank that has been smeared on the greatest alternative Bat Universe that has ever been created?

 

Sean, look, clearly this ridiculous attempt to be a White Knight book isn’t your wonderful wife’s fault. I can see it now. You two were tenderly holding each other in bed in the morning chatting about all good things, maybe I should do this, maybe you should do that. You both came up with an idea about a new White Knight story. Murph said ‘I got you Baby’ made a phone call to DC, they were like, ‘Sounds amazing send Katana in!’ She hopped in her whip and coasted over to Burbank, headed upstairs, met with some suits. They were down but then – then, one of them said:

 

Suit: Hey you know who would be great on this? My nephew Clay!

 

Katana: Oh, uh, yeah, he just, umm, Red Hood thing? Uh, I don’t -

 

Suit: Hey, Regina, can you send Clay in here?

 

[Clay walks in, he’s wearing jorts, flip flops, a retro Chewbacca t-shirt one size too short and a red tinted visor]

 

Suit: Clay, Katana has a great idea for a story about Hologaphic Joker’s kids.

 

Clay: Bagga Boogah Bagga Boogah Shmoogah

 

Suit: I know, it’s great, let’s hook you two up and get this story crack-a-lackin'!

 

That’s how an innocent lovely idea birthed from the Egyptian Cotton sheets of Murphy and Collins turned into a rotting turnip of a comic. What did he do? What happened on that first page that sent me in a tailspin?

 

Okay, ready for this, the cliffhanger from the first issue is that Scarface’s kid had the Holographic Joker and his kids surrounded by a bunch of other, I dunno, Actors maybe, with puppets. Here, look:

 

 

Totally a Batman 66 vibe, but, whatever. So the second issue starts and they’ve already escaped the circle! Like they went from being surrounded by psychotic ventriloquists to climbing a ladder! HOW THE FUCK DID THEY GET THERE CLAY MCNUMBNUTS??? Did Katana have a great idea and at the last minute you called the guy you buy your meth from at the printer and told him to delete the panels, just because? Look at this:

 

 

What happened? How did they get from being surrounded by the Mistress of Puppets and some avante garde lower east side actors/puppeteers to climbing a ladder to freedom! This is a joke right? It’s like if James Bond was tied to a table and the buzzsaw was heading for his nuts and the filmmakers then cut to him punching out the baddie with no action sequence of him escaping. It’s like Luke, Han, Chewie and Leia in the trash compactor one moment and then, boom! They’re running down a corridor talking to Alec Guinness’ floating head. Dude!

 

Real quick, I love that there’s like 5 Actors in full black get-ups operating the other puppets. What a casting call that would have been! I would have loved to audition for Creepy Second Rate Villain Accomplice #3. It would’ve been Non Union but you would’ve gotten: Free Meals, Uber reimbursed, IMDB credit, Free black spandex onesie.

 

So the Kids escape, send HoloJoke back into a hard drive and then are beset upon by the Joker’s gang in a cemetery where his tombstone rests. Clay really did that? Yes he did. It’s a Gang in a cemetery! Oh fer goodness sake. We have veered off into total Scooby Doo vibes. Yes. That is exactly what the Jokers Motorcycle Gang would be doing. They’d drive their motorcycles into a cemetery and just hang out there for no reason whatsoever. They wouldn’t be robbing anything or doing flash mobs or selling fentanyl at Coney Island on the cheap, of course not. One bald headed insane clown posse looking nitwit would say:

 

‘Hey, why don’t we take our cycles to the cemetery and weave between the headstones and just sit there with no booze or drugs until Fred, Velma, Daphne and Shaggy show up.’

 

Who is this Clay MickShaNaNaDammaLammaDingleberryDong anyway? His Twatter/X bio says he’s a “barstool intellectual w/a masters degree in small talk”. I’ll pay $20 for any Hacker who can get in there and change it to a masters degree in poor plot development, dumb AF cliffhanger follow ups and owning his McSchnookieDookie nickname. I’ll Venmo you, no questions asked. Here, this is him:

 

Look, Clay, I’m sure you’re actually a wonderful guy and that you love comics, I’m sure you do. But, Dude, you’re killing me. At the back of this issue there’s bit where each writer is asked what inspired this story for them. Katana regales us with a lovely answer of how road trips have been an intricate part of her and Sean’s life, how they’ve bonded and become closer because of them. She then says that she and Sean were watching ‘Onward’ a film about  two brothers who "embark on a magical quest to spend one more day with their late father". Wow, that sounds a lot like what’s going on in this series doesn’t it? The Joker Kids, wanting to know their dad, embark on a trip through his Gotham haunts. Solid AF Premise.

 

What does Clay answer as his inspiration to this series? Guess.

 

Thelma & Louise.

 

 

Yes, that's exactly what I was thinking of as well! The film about a couple of friends who are on the run from the law because one of them shot and killed a guy who was trying to rape one of them is an identical match to a fictional villain's kids wanting to get to know their father in an alternative universe of that fictional villain. I suppose the kiddies and HoloJoker ride their Batmobile off a bridge in Gotham in the final issue, is that what happens? Oy to the Vey.

Welp, I'm down to zero Bat Books on my pull, again. Seems impossible what with 1,532 Bat Titles on the solicits but that's where I've ended up. What the hell is going on with Black Label??? Last year they were pumping out genius book after genius book now it's a slow trickle. Generation Joker doesn't even feel like Black Label at all, it's more like a Walmart label, the kind of thing you'd find in the magazine section there that was made specifically for parents to buy for their kids when they didn't want to splurge on a $50 video game, 'Here, take this cheap comic book instead and I'll get you some chicken nuggets after we check out'.

Gotta go. I'm gonna walk up over to Wilshire Blvd and wait until I see Susan Sarandon and Geena Davis ride by in a convertible so I can toss this in their back seat.

Rating: 3.1

Verdict: Drop