Just the Facts-imile Issues & Reviews

        

 

Yeah, I'm back and I know it's been a while. I don't know where the time went. How is it June already? I feel like it was only last Tuesday where I was cursing Valentine's day and pouting that nobody invited me to a Super Bowl party and now it's fucking June. Well, I'm back because it looks like some Marvel Intern or Lackey has been snooping around this blog for ideas to boost their sales and revenue so I figured I should post something. How do I know they've been doing that? Well, they finally decided to take me up on my idea to not only release facsimile issues of their great comics of the 60s from Issue #1 but to do them sequentially so it feels like you’re in the 60s reading the comic for first time the same way readers experienced it back then. Marvisney has been dropping facsimile issues of the initial 1961 run of The Fantastic Four this year and it’s been fun fun fun. 

 

 

At first I was giddy and thought ‘Wow, maybe this will be a thing for other titles’, then I realized it’s just a prong on the multi-pronged multi-dimensional marketing approach to get us to get mentally prepared to shell out our hard earned dillies for the 169th new Fantastic Four movie that’s coming out this year. Now I feel unclean and soiled by the Dark Demon of Disney. Some intern just blurted out my idea at a marketing meeting and Bob Iger popped his head out of Satan’s buttocks and wailed ‘I love it!’. Of course what followed after Bob Iger peeking out of Satan’s buttocks was the latest cut of the new Fantastic Four movie and they’re still trying to sanitize Buena Vista Studios and most of Burbank from the stench. Repeat after me Casting Bozos: Pedro Pascal is not Reed Richards.

 

 

I’ve been reading a lot more facsimile issues lately. Seems like the comic book industry has really been upping the amount of facsimiles they release which makes sense since right now in Hollywood the War Cry is 'Just make Another One'. DC has also been releasing a run of Batman facsimiles from its initial 'Hush' from 15 years ago ostensibly to get you hyped about their new Hush run that's started up this year which admittedly looks poopalicious. After dropping money on a bunch of these I’m not so sure that any of them are deeply satisfying reads. I think the legends of comic book publishing were goofing around a lot more and having fun with the medium rather than aspiring to create great literature. 

 

Take the Fantastic Four, in their 2nd issue they convince the Skrulls, an Alien Race prepping to invade our planet, that Earth is overrun by monstrous beings by actually showing them pictures from comic books (Weird Tales and Tales of Suspense). Reed & Co then turn the Skrulls who were left behind on Earth into Cows so they could graze and lead a peaceful rest of their days without being hounded by anyone. I suppose at some point somebody ate a Skrull Burger without knowing? Or maybe a Skrull Kebab? Å Corned Skrull Beef sandwich?

 

 

These enormously oversized Batman reprints which are going for like $13 have been a trip back to the 80s when Bats was Emo, corny and prone to self deprecation and rash maneuvers. It’s an odd experience to thoroughly enjoy something while consistently rolling your eyes at the abundance of silliness. I think it’s safe to say that Modern Comics are way more sophisticated, grounded and properly structured. Where early comic books beat the snot out of the modern books is, for the most part, they didn’t give a fuck. They were throwing whatever came into their brains onto the page, as long as it either made them laugh or giggle with excitement at the novelty of their ideas.

I’m also not sure why I’m being charged more than $4 for any of these facsimiles (except for the oversized ones). What’s the reasoning? You’re just reprinting every single page of the comic, nothing is new! Shouldn’t these be $3 at most?

Meanwhile Marvisney and DC continue to implode and spit out caca. Their  movies are mostly tanking one after the other even after they pour hundreds of millions into them. Nice job with the recent Captain America. Hire a dipshit who says that Captain America really isn’t about America. What’s next? A Spidey who could care less about neighborhoods being friendly? Daredevil, the man with a couple of Phobias?  I think they need to create a D.O.C.E., Department of Comic Efficiency and rip apart the Big 2 to see how they’re spending our hard earned dollars. How much for this new Pooperman? 363 mil? Why? On what??? 225 mil? That's still stoopid expensive. You think Supes saying 'Hey buddy up here’ in the trailer like a Tech Bro is cool? Why does Lex Luthor look like they told AI to make him look like a young Michael Stipe? Why is YoBro-Perman yelling at the Marvelous Miss Maisel? Why isn’t he ordering Chinese Food with her and shopping for technicolor dresses? 

 

Dude, look, you people need to stop with the trash movies and watered down TV shows and put a major chunk of your revenue and budget back into, wait for it - COMIC BOOKS! The wellspring of your entire empire! It's built in IP and they don't care anymore.

And what the hell happened to DSTLRY or as I like to call them Dusty Larry??? I don’t think they’ve released an issue since January! Was their ‘$9 a book for 3 issues’ a big bust? Was it just a drug front for the Cartel? Have the actual CEOs of the company been deported? Seriously, their stuff was the best thing on the racks. Were they even real? Did META or the D.O.D,  target me for psychological torment again ‘Let’s give him some great comics and just turn off the faucet’. Am I in my own Mandela effect?

 

My pull is duhhhh-win-dling, that’s dwindling, as in I’m not buying a lot of comics these days and it’s sad. I bought 7 in May. Sevvv-ennnn. That's ridiculously low, the lowest ever for me. Perhaps that’s why I’ve not posted on here much if at all recently; I’ve been bummed by the state of Comcbookdom. There’s still more than half a year left so I’m praying that some way some how we get some Holy Moly releases or runs but as of today my Best of 2025 doesn’t even have any major new contenders on it yet. Am I just going to be ranking Facsimile Issues? Bottom line, I think having a facsimile issue dropped every now and then was fun but clearly they realize people are buying them and now the market is being flooded with them which takes away the novelty. They're also just being used as marketing tools, if they're about to release a movie, show or dust off an old character expect facsimile issues, blah.

Oy, oh well, there ya go, for the record this is not Ragebait this is CrankyJewBait. Here’s what I actually have been reading for the past several months…

 

 

 

If I was doing a 10 minute Stand-Up Comedy set and for no reason whatsoever at the 5 minute mark without warning, I changed my voice and starting telling jokes with a Russian accent or, I dunno, began imitating Billy Bob Thornton in Sling-blade it would be - weird right? Especially if after a minute I switched back to my normal  voice. That’s what it’s like when you get a new Artist thrown at you in the middle of a story arc with no warning or no reason whatsoever, you’re like, wait, what, which comic did I buy? Is this the - let me find the previous - oh it is. You wanna swap out after an arc, fine. Right smack dab in the middle, it’s annoying and usually it’s disconnected or tangential to the actual story which is what happened to one of the recent Abs Batsy issues. As a stand-alone issue it was great, but dude, like just either finish the arc or take a break and come back when your main artist is ready to keep going. I mean does the artist say, yo I’m hitting Tulum in December with my bae so I’m not gonna be around to draw your Bat-Kira book and does Snyder say ‘Like I give a fuck, I got all kinds of Artist Baes on stand-by boyeee'. Yes, Bruce Wayne looks like Anime Akira in this book so it’s hard to take this too seriously. In my Sling-Blade voice: "But it’s good mmm hmmm, and its Snyder and Bats which is better than that other cockamamie batty stuff so I reckon I’ll a keep a puling it mmm hmmm". 7.8
 

 

 

Another banger from Dusty Larry aka DTSLRY. 'City Beneath Her Feet' was the last Dusty Larry book I purchased before they all fell off a cliff into the abyss into another dimension; this book came out last November. Elsa Charretier is fast becoming one of my fave artists what with her work on Love Everlasting (and what the hell is happening with that, it's been months, jeez). Since Tynion absolutely crushed ‘Spectregraph’ his collab with Christian Ward on the same imprint I thought this was also going to be a Home Run and I was right. These two walloped this story way over the wall, a supremely interesting and perfectly executed ‘grab them and don’t let them go’ first installment to have you clamoring for more. The fact that they just called this the prologue at the end of this issue has me wondering if this might go longer than 3 or 4, that would be fantastic. Dusty Larry can use some long form series and no better place to start than with these two at the helm. Unfortunately it seems the spigot has been turned off for this publisher. I look at this cover and it feels like I'm looking at the dating profile of hot babe who messaged me back once and then hasn't replied since I messaged her back; serious PTSDating Trauma vibes. Puhleez gimme gimme more yum yum books that rate 9.1 or more.

 

 

 

 

Hickman, Dude, what the fuck? Are you going to clone yourself or not? Can they make a HickGPT of you and have your AI Version just write comic books? It’s unbelievable how much better you are than mostly every one. Like, there should be a big button that says ‘HICK ME’ in the center of every main conference room for every comic book publisher. Each month the editors of these publishers should gather in these conference rooms and let a bunch of comic book geeks read the comics they’re about to send to print. Any time one sucks a Comic Geek should just slam the ‘HICK ME’ button which will let the editors know that their comic sucks ballz and needs to be written by AI Hickman. Pull lists will balloon. LCS retailers will experience a boon and the world will be a better place. Ultimate Spidey, my goodness, so fucking good. What an amazing twist with Gwen and Mysterio, just brilliant.  Can you do the Hulk and Moon Knight and, oh, I dunno, take over Saga for a bit and, aw hell just hit HICK ME for the entire industry for a month and see what happens 9.6. 

 

 

 

Oy vey. Why is everyone gushing over this comic? WHY? It’s pee to the oop. Poop. Are we that starved for content and innovative plots that we’ll take some half baked creative writing class idea from High School that’s been sitting in a Trapper Keeper notebook for 30 years and call it genius? Every day a girl wakes up to a new apocalypse, all timelines are at play, they’re all colliding into one another with no rhyme or reason, this chick is bumping into historical characters and remnants of other dimensions and whatnot - dude, ask any actress living in LA what life is like and they'll tell you the same thing: 'Every day is a fucking apocalypse'. This is not thrilling or mind bending or a shattering of conventions. This is lazy writing, shallow character development and messy world building. This is not elevated material, it's pedestrian. You love it, great. I know spectacular when I read it and this ain't it. I can understand being impressed if you were in High School and some quiet mop top haircut art student with serial killer eyes is scribbling these panels in his moleskin notebook during a Period 4 math class. This final panel of issue one is classic 'Death Metal Art Dude with Acne Doodling in Class' vibe:

 

 

 

I’d look over at it and go ‘Wow, that’s dope’, he’d just grunt and shrug in his jean jacket that’s covered with Scorpions and Black Flag patches and go back to scribbling and I'd think 'I bet that guy goes on to make millions. Or maybe he'll go to Visual Arts School and end up like one of Claire's loser Art School Boyfriends in Six Feet Under'. Assorted Crisis Events, is that a euphemism for Los Angeles right now? Because we got some serious crisiseesz and they definitely are assorted. Suck on this concept’s dick for as long as you want but it’s a hard 13 year old boner looking at girls hit volleyballs in High School gym class pass for me 2.5. 

 

 

 

Yadda Yadda Mr. Burns aka The Sovereign keeps losing everything bit by bit yadda yadda, his empire that has existed for centuries is being unraveled by babes who do pilates in primary color spandex. I am all for a protracted story in comics but this felt like it had been dragging a tad for several months. I understand the set-up of the meticulous and strategic take-down of the ‘Sovereign’: taking down all of his assets, strongholds and guardians but it’s been such a drip drip drip downfall that it lacks tension. You’re just reading and saying ‘Wow this guy is getting royally fucked by Dubs all while he's narrating his own demise, sucks for him’; and that was the basic gist. Maybe it would be better if this was put online and you could have AI face swap somebody you can’t stand so you could watch Dubz royally ream them for several months on end; that sounds great. Mr Burns ended up nekkid in front of Dubz and it finally wrapped up in a good but not great way. I expected more from King and more from a 19 issue arc which they pulled like taffy for the last several months. You can tell they felt bad about drawing it out because the issue right after this story ends is a Batman Team Up, “wait don’ go anywhere, we have Bats, Bats is here, hey look, Batman, doing things in this title, hoooooh ha, Bizz to the Izzatz and Dubaroonski, everything is fine, it’s all fine, come back, pretty please 6.7

 

 

I’ve been enjoying the Waid/Samnee Bats & Dickie D series, but you know what? I’m calling BS on Clayface. The whole Clayface story device is bullshit, it’s too convenient. This amorphous brown poop blob can magically, and seamlessly, become any body it wants to. C'mon Dude. Whenever the Brown Poop Blob has been used in any Bat medium I call BS. Why? Ya think that Bats, after having dealt with Poop Dude over and over, wouldn’t have figured out that Poop Dude had a distinctive smell? Okay fine, you can become and look like whomever you want but that doesn’t mean that you can change what you actually are on a molecular level, am I right?  This is just as lazy as 'Oh every timeline is colliding into one and any historical figure is at our fingertips' from above. That said, Samnee's work on Bat's fight scenes and escape at the end of a recent ish was pure gold. As the arc continues and it gets into Crime Boss/Kidnap Robin stuff it does feel a little too much like 66 Batman Bam Biff Pow without the camp. Yet these two are just such great collaborators I’m down to finish up their run even if it means a bit of a yawn here and there. It’s a delightful read and Lord knows this world demands you escape to a delightful read when you get a chance 7.5

I just can’t anymore. I’m done. At this point I think this comic is being used by Marjorie Liu’s therapist as a way to work through her trauma of not being able to properly develop a plot. Her mania has drawn in the great Sana Takeda and reduced her to manic scribblings which at this point looks like a toddler hopped up on Mountain Dew. Nothing, and I mean nothing, is coherent or sensible. I think people are basically just losing their minds these days and that obviously includes comic book writers. The fact that Image, who has slowly turned into an unreadable publisher, enables her lunacy is even more egregious. Like at what point do you as an Editor have to make the visit to the basement where the half naked unkempt wacko scribe and her 37 cats lives to tell her you're pulling the plug. You’ll probably have to bring some cue cards that breaks down the concept of a ‘Finale/Ending to a Story’. Clearly this editor will be in a bulletproof Hazmat suit to deal with the frenetic rage that Liu will unleash on them. Unfortunately, the 11 of us who are left actually reading this disaster have no way of really knowing how to get in touch with each other and if we truly exist. What a shit show. If I had to sum up what this comic has looked like the past several years this panel from their most recent ish would be what I would show someone; just pure arrrrgghhhhh -

 

 

 

This is a mess of a script and a fever dream that has com-puh-leeetly lost it's way and I can't in good conscience continue paying for this self inflicted madness anymore.  Sana Takeda is a brilliant artist and I love supporting concepts like this but there comes a time when you look at the person you're dating who's frothing at the mouth with a lighter near your comic book rack and you realize it's time to move on and cancel your dating app subscription. Speaking of which, I just matched  with someone. I messaged them about their profile with a 'What and a Why?' question, as in what do you etc. and why are you etc. She answered back with a 'Yes'. Clearly she reads Monstress. 10 years, 57 issues and all I got for it was bagged and boarded comic cat litter. 1.0

 

 

 

Well, that's all I got. Actually, no, I have one more, one big Mamma that's sitting right next to my La-Z-Boy that hasn't been popped open yet: the new Heavy Metal; ooh baby baby. Now, I'm not an anthology type guy but this looks special. Yet as everyone in LA knows, 'looks' can stiff you with a $400 dinner bill, plant an eight ball on you and have you in handcuffs in less than an hour so ya never know.

 

Happy Reading...

Bags, Boards and Burns - A City & Industry Up in Smoke

 

 

LA is weird right now. It’s been weird for a minute. The fires not only ravaged the city but they also ravaged the psyche of Angelenos; it was an unfathomable event that is still smoldering in the hearts of the people who live here. It feels like everyone has been trudging through sludge for the past month or so including yours truly. It’s not so much that the fires have exacted such an unflinching toll on everyone, rather it was more like they were the final body blow from a series of gut punches that LA has endured for the past 5 years. From the Pandemic hysteria to the Strikes to the upheaval in the Industry and now to the destruction of neighborhoods that meant so much to so many, there’s only so much you can take before it feels like the world has it out for you. Hell, today due to torrential rains we had mud slides wreaking havoc all over the city. Seriously what’s next? Locusts? Should I smudge my front door with some Lamb’s blood???

As I sat there watching LA go up in flames of course my mind drifted towards the things I love about LA. I will say this, no major Comic Book Shops went up in flames in the Pacific Palisades, Malibu or Altadena; at least none of note. Which got me thinking, there really isn’t a Mecca Destination for Comic Books in LA anymore. There used to be, it was Meltdown Comics. Meltdown Comics on Sunset near WeHo embodied everything great about being a Comic Geek. Within their cavernous space (at least for LA standards) one could find any and everything: new issues, back issues, graphic novels, toys, memorabilia, fashion, oversized knicknacks and doodads. There were tables to play D&D and other board games and if that wasn’t enough there was a back room where they held Comedy nights that drew some of the top Comedians in town. It was said that Matt Groening would pop in and just sit in the back to take in a show every now and then. Well of course he did, there was no place in LA where he could go and truly feel at home; he got to be just another nerd who loves comics just like anyone else.

I knew one of the guys who owned it pretty well from coming in so much. I remember when it was just a normal comic shop on the North Side of the street when I first moved to LA in 2000; they were a few blocks away from me. When they moved into the big space across the street it was like God answered my prayers for a legendary comic book shop. Well, Meltdown closed years ago and since then nothing has taken its place, which feels deeply wrong since LA is ostensibly the Comic Book Capital of the World now that both DC & Marvel have decamped from NYC to sunnier climes. Perhaps it’s a true indicator that the Big 2 really don’t give a shit about the actual comic books that fuel their movies and their IP (oy I hate that fucking word, IP, IP has ruined entertainment). One would think that if they really did love comic books they would combine their might and create a place where the ideas that made them who they are could be celebrated and shared with the masses. Nope, none of that. There’s a bunch of little cool shops here and there in LA but nothing overly special. My LCS is basically a hole in the wall but I’ve been going there for years and it suits me just fine. San Diego Comic Con doesn’t count, that’s just a circus and a Sales Pitch-athon and the fact that a normal comic book dude like me hasn’t been able to get into it once underscores the fact that it’s not really for normal comic book dudes.

January used to be a big month for comics, at least it seemed like that was the case to me. Looking back over the years my pull numbers show that January and February were big months for new releases and for publishers to ramp up current series or reveal their upcoming gems. Even as recently as 3 years ago I was yanking 20 books a month in both Jan and Feb. Ten years ago I was pulling 30. This year? 9. Nine, with two being facsimiles. WTF? According to this article, retailers are saying that the Industry is on the upswing and that they’re doing really well, so is it me? They’re extolling the virtues of the ‘Absolute DC’ line as one of the big drivers of sales. Look, I’m pulling both Bats and Dubz from that line and, well, yes they’re really good but they’re not oh my goodness fucking spectacular. The New 52? That was spectacular. Are you gonna tell me that Absolute Bats and Dubz are better than New 52’s Snyder’s ‘Court of Owls’ and Azzarello and Chiang’s ‘Wonder Woman’ run?? No, no you’re not. So, I think what’s happening is that it’s been so bad for so long and titles have just been cratering that when something half decent comes along people lose their minds. I would say that’s the same for the music and film industry as well. There's so much caca that when something comes along that doesn't soil your soul it comes off as genius. It's also an offshoot of the fact that content has become so over saturated it's almost impossible to sift through it all to find the greatness.

I believe things will change and yes there is still some amazing stuff out there, I’m looking at you DSTLRY. But man, it’s been fucking rough. With so few comics on my rack these days I started reading a novel that’s been sitting near my La-Z-Boy in what feels like forever, it’s Cold Mountain. I wanted to jump in front of a moving car after the first 16 pages. Maybe I’ll join a book club. Maybe I’ll make more of an effort to get into Anime. Maybe I’ll find a challenging puzzle! Oh who am I kidding, c’mon people, make some fucking unbelievable comic books! Oy. Nine. Nine this month. Googling Batman Puzzles...ooh this one looks good!

Here’s what I got into this past month or so:

 

I just put this down and, wow. I mean, wow, Snyder crushes this one over the fence. I'm not a huge gritty gruesome crime drama. true crime, serial killer guy but when I saw Snyder and Jock together it was a no brainer to grab this. It was perfectly done, like, there's really nothing bad you can say about this book. They deftly set the tone, drew you in, had strong characters and set up the plot with a cliffhanger as well as you possibly could. If this was a Pilot episode you'd binge the entire series. After Snyder's Wack 'White Boat' debacle on DSTLRY this is a heroic dub. This comic saved the beginning of my 2025 Comic Book Experience, thanks Scott & Jock 9.7

 

This 'Absolute Dubz' series is picking up steam and becoming a real page turner. My question is this, you’re saying that these ‘Absolute’ books are All In, right? So it stands to reason that your other books aren’t all in, right? I would go so far to say that most of what DC is putting is either halfway in or just full on the fuck out. Maybe what DC should do is put ‘Just the Tip’ on their normal comics so comic geeks know ahead of time to not expect a Wham Bam story. I will say this, having Dubz connected to Circe while affirming that her exile to Hell was by the Gods really makes me pine for the days when Azzarello and Chiang were writing that Dubz story line with all the Greek Gods. I know I probably mention that run at least once every two months or every other paragraph; shrug emoji. Regardless, Thompson, Sherman and Bellaire are putting together a real humdinger of a first arc that is definitely all up in that goody good. How much to bribe a DC Lackey to put 'Just the Tip' on all their non All-In books? 8.5

It was quite the surprise to see the Jade Snot Babe back in the solicits after, what has been, almost two plus years? No, wait, it’s been almost 5 years since the last issue! Wow. This was a silly yet delightful series about a neurotic model chick with a runny nose problem. You would think I would run into one of these girls in LA over the years but I haven’t. I did have a girl I was dating all of a sudden produce a bloody nose when she was alone with me in my apartment. She definitely wasn’t a cokehead so I attributed it to her being able to bleed from the nostrils when she wasn’t down for knocking dem boots, quite impressive. Yes, I just brought the boot knockin’ phrase back, and what? Anyway, this is why you don’t take long ass layoffs from your book, because it’s invariably going to suck or be less enjoyable than when you left unless you really really bring the ruff neck business. I’m looking at you Saga, and Monstress. O’Malley decided to show Snottie’s Boobies along with her new Hawt GF’s boobies in a big ‘Welcome Back’ ish but all they did was provide a brief ooh before spoiling the tension of the previous issues. The whole comic felt eye roll silly, not whimsical and fun. It’s been so long since I read one of these I can’t even remember where the plot left off. So as a ‘first issue’ of sorts it was quite blah and looking at the upcoming issues, they look blah as well. Safe to say it’s a different world today than it was in March of 2020. A world where a model babe with a drop dead gorgeous girlfriend who doesn’t seem to have a snotty nose problem anymore really doesn’t grab me. Dropping this like a snotty sinus infection tissue in my cheap bathroom garbage thingy. 5.2

 

Well, if you’re wondering what Belit the Savage Pirate Queen of the Black Coast would look like as a Disney Princess then this is the issue for you. Yeesh, Danica Whoever is definitely the 3rd String Quarterback Artist behind De La Torre and Braithwaite. A bit of. a dirty trick on Titan's part by having a De La Torre main cover while having a new Artist on the actual pages. These pages look like Darkwing Duck Material. Of course the difference between this Disney Princess is that you’re gonna get a lot of panels with nekkid boobies, which is nice. A plot point and wardrobe gripe: So Conan and Belit have just knocked boots (boot knocking!) in a bedroom in a tavern, they’re butt nekked, because of the boot knocking, and they hear thieves on the roof coming down to rob them. When the Thieves land on their balcony they’re fully clothed again, WTF? Do you think these two savage IDGAF heroes would deem it necessary to get their clothes back on??? Belit even has all of her necklaces and bracelets back on, like she needed to get ready before murdering some thieves - Conan: 'Dammit Girl! They're here', Belit: 'Just one more Nose Ring left to put in my Lion'. Like, if Danica drew a butt nekkid Conan and Belit slashing their way through some run of the mill loser thieves then I would have hailed this as a monumentally fantastic issue. As it stands, it's the first miscue from Titan's magnificent Conan experience. I will forgo the next issue in this two-issue blip and wait for one of the Top 2 QBs to return to knock some story boots. 3.0

 

 

Reading Saga these days is like watching the last season of Cheers, or maybe even Happy Days. It feels like BKV is just going through the motions, nothing is happening yet we come back because the love we have for the book has never died even though the mind of it’s creator seemingly has. It’s not like this comic has jumped the shark but the shark is jumping around in a carnival in a space ship so it’s really fucking close. Look, Fiona could draw on the back of the box of my non-dairy coconut cream coffee creamer and I’d buy it up every month, which makes me wonder - what if Fiona took a hiatus and BKV didn’t? Can you imagine someone else drawing this book, it would be an absolute disaster and fully droppable. The last 17 issues have been so blah they should be put on anti-depressants or I dunno, someone needs to go down on this story line and suck on it 'til it cums back to life. BKV says the next issue is going to be some major pivotal oh shit issue that he’s been dying to do forever. We shall see. Meandering plot lines and pages of letters with everyone saying how much this comic saved their lives or gave them a connection to someone who they eventually married is getting tired. I think Fraction and Zdarsky should take over the letters of this book and make it Sex Criminallish, now that would be a must read comic. C’mon BKV, find that magic homie you’re an issue away from putting Ghus on jet skis with a dozen Lying Cats floating on buoys off the Santa Monica pier. 6.3

 

 

Not sure this was the Spidey issue I was looking for. Seems like Hicksy likes to throw these curveballs into the mix where there’s no action just talking heads and relationship dialogue. Maybe deep down Hicksy wants to be writing TV Dramas on Oxygen Network or something. I definitely do not think all the Spidey fans of this book were thinking back in December ‘Man I hope Hicksy comes out with an issue where he delves into the interpersonal relationship of MJ and her estranged sister along with the complicated dynamics she shares with her Divorced Boss Mom during a holiday party for the entire comic'. Or maybe I just out of touch with the kids these days. Maybe Hicksy forgot he was writing this book and threw this together from scraps of dialogue from his ‘Oxygen Network’ desktop folder during a hop skip and a jump flight from LA to Vegas.Yeah Yeah, I get it, big Kraven issue incoming blah blah but this was a bit of zzzzzzzz. I did inhale the Kraven issue right after this one and although it was a little goofy, the whole ‘Drop Peter and Harry in the Prehistoric World of the Mole Man before Kraven hunts them down' is brilliant. This is still the only Marvisney title worth reading these days other than their facsimile reprints. 7.7

 

 

I just can’t with this fucking monkey detective. Why? Like, why? Who is this thing? I’m not like a huge longtime DC reader outside of Bats so is he some fever dream from the 60s when all the DC writers were doing acid? Am I supposed to be amused by a monkey detective? Are they butt hurt that Gerard Way took their talking monkey character and made a gajillion bux from it with his wonderful ‘Umbrella Academy’ comics and dirt garbage TV show on Netflix? It just takes this elevated tone that King brought to this great run and smears it in banana peels. Like, the Monkey is making banana jokes. Also, the Sovereign is all of a sudden a bumbling Mr. Burns rather than this sinister character that’s been slowly building for almost 2 years. It’s a bummer cuz this has been such a great run by King but it feels like it’s monkey poopin’ out as it swings to the finale. I just assume King like everyone who works at the Big Poo has been blackmailed into something, so whenever DC or Marvel wants something done or when they want to humiliate their writer to remind them who’s in charge they hold it over them. King must’ve fucked up big time. It’s the only valid explanation. Maybe that’s what this Monkey Detective is all about. When you fuck up at DC or don’t do their nefarious bidding after dark they send in the chimp. 4.5

 

Hey, it's a sunny day again in La La Land! Maybe I needed to slog through these comic book reviews to put them behind me so I can bask in the dawn of a new day of comic book goodness. Oy, my doggies are barking, guys relax it's just the frikkin' Amazon dude. Hmm, big box, what the hell is this? A Batman Puzzle??? When the hell did I order a Batman Puzzle?!?!?

ABSOLUTE BATMAN #1 - Review

DC Comic Book Suits meet once a week in a darkened conference room in Burbank lit only by candlelight. The room reeks of repressed trauma, Chex Mix and Febreze ‘Linen & Sky’. Standing behind the chairs of the Suits are hooded figures who wield three foot steel pokers and week-old bagels from the Bagel Broker in LA (in other words, the hardest known material on Planet Earth). A hologram of Disney’s Stock Price dances in the middle of the coference table and placards showing the gross earnings of all of the MCU movies are placed in front of each of the suits.

 

 

This purpose of this weekly meeting is twofold: One, to humiliate and physically abuse the DC Comic Book Suits so they fear for their life from the Dark Lord that they worship. The other is to come up with at least 40-50 new names for Batman Titles that will soon be paired up with Batman Ideas that are spit out by the dozens from the asscheeks of a sloth that resides in their Dark Lord’s lair…in Brentwood.

 

 

Thesaurus’s are not allowed at this meeting, nor are phones. Suits must just come up with Batman Titles on their own, inspired by their own Bat Lunacy and need to maintain their Equinox gym memberships. When the Hooded Figures start poking the Suits, the Suits begin to whinge and wheedle; they roar out the names of possible new Bat Books one by one:

 

Unadulterated Batman!

 

Keto Batman!

 

The Dark Nighty Nite!

 

Peppermint Batty!

 

Murky Gloomy Dingy Batman!

 

The Golden At-Batman!

 

Cardi B-ats!

 

Batman: Folie a Trois!

 

Bat-a-Bar: The Last Bat-Bender!

 

And on and on and on it goes, for hours on end. Conservative estimates predict that by 2026 there will be 400 Batman Comics released by DC every year, those are conservative estimates. As it stands we get about 100 or so, clearly we’re in the lean years of being Batman fans, hang in there guys! This may all seem like pure sarcasm to you, but, is it? There’s a Bat Werewolf comic that’s coming out along with a Batman the Barbarian one. We’ve had a Bat Vampire, Bat Zombie, Bat Knight from the Middle Ages and a soon to be Bat Chef on the show ‘Chopped’ where he opens up Bat-skets of oddly paired food items.

 

 

In this particular comic they settled on ‘Absolute’. How you ask? Well, word has it that after a few mounds of coke and a little meth they decied that every Hero in the DC Universe should get an Absolute title. Then a fight broke out over the merits of an ‘Absolute Martian Manhunter’ series. It was started by a DC Suit, who was naked by this time, and who was sporting a large Plastic Man tat on his left butt cheek. This guy apparently assaulted the DC Suit who was pining for an Absolute Martian Manhunter. The Naked Plastic Man Dude had to be restrained and all he kept bellowing was ‘J’onn J’onzz is the stupidest fucking name for a fucking character ever!’.

 

I’d have to agree with Plastic Suit on that one, I mean, J’onn J’onnzz should either be the name of a Mumble Rapper, a forgotten member of Color Me Badd or a fancy cologne from Chanel. Anyway, looks like all we’re getting is Absolute Bats, Supes & Dubz. I picked up Bats simply because, well, Scott Snyder. I feel for ya Scott. You were writing the best Batman run in the past, oh, I dunno, 25 years maybe, when you started at the New 52 back in 2011. I mean, that Court of Owls story line was bananas. It had been years since I was so amped for a monthly. That, coupled with Azzarello and Chiang’s Wonder Woman run was a major part of the halcyon days of me buying comic books. I was pulling like 25-30 a month, it was heaven.

 

Well, shit ended weird for Snyder by the time he was on the Mr Bloom story line in 2015. Don’t get me wrong, this new villain was dope but, it felt like, DC meddled. The whole story had a bizarre ending, it didn’t feel like it came from Snyder and next thing you know he was unceremoniously replaced by someone else. I couldn’t even tell you who but I remember it sucking balls after Synder. What happened? Don’t know. Yet I got the feeling like DC felt bad about the way things went down and gave him this Wham Bam Slam ‘Dark Nights: Metal’ Mega Event to smooth things over with him. The Mega Event was Mega Boring and Mega DC Corny AF Character Heavy; it kinda soured me on Snyder a bit. I feel like that’s what they’ve been doing since the Bloom fiasco; trying to give Snyder stuff to make up for ruining his stellar run on Bats. Unfortunately, nothing has come close to that four year run of his.

 

Something similar to this happened to me in my Stand-Up Career. I was working with this Music Producer and making a Comedy Music album with like, real bonafide dance tracks and poignant lyrics. It was going to be huge; he knew people. I began writing a new One Man Show that we were going to record live over a few performances and intersperse the material throughout the album along with sketches. I ended up creating one of the best shows I had put together in years, a Bat-Snyderian-Owl show for the ages. The tracks were ready, the sketches were ready, all we had to do was record the show.

 

Now, this producer was eccentric and flighty as most Producers in LA are. After securing a great venue in Hollywood I let him know that he needed to go down and check out the audio set-up before the show to make sure everything would synch up with whatever he was planning to use to record the shows. He said, sure man, no problem. Days and weeks passed, the show was getting closer and Producer Dude had yet to go down to the venue. Reassurances. Eye rolls. It’s fine. Days to the show. No Producer Dude at venue. Dude. Go. To. The. Venue. Going tomorrow. No Producer Dude at venue. Day of shows. Okay, get there early. Sure. One hour to show time. No Producer Dude at venue. Crowd filing in. Producer Dude finally shows up with some equipment. We’ve had zero sound check. He says, chill, it’s fine.

 

I do my shows. I don’t care how arrogant this sounds but I murdered them. Murdered. Both shows. Hurt them. 

 

I knew the album was going to be an enormous success. Hmm, which canyon should I live in? Laurel, Nichols, Coldwater, hmmm.

So, Producer Dude, how’d it come out?

 

It didn’t.

 

Not one second.

 

His set up failed. Nothing was recorded. From that night on Producer Dude would get me lots of performance opportunities to recreate the shows that I did. It was his way of saying sorry and also his way of making good on the project. Every show after the original ones were ‘Dark Nights:Metal’ shows; they were all blah. The project was dead.

 

Now, that’s on me as well. I needed to find whatever was within me to have another murderous show, but I didn’t. Why? Because once something is ruined it’s really hard to put back together. Sometimes you can. Most of the time you can’t. So before I even looked at one page of Absolutely Bat-A-Tat-Tat-Man I knew, I knew that it wasn’t going to be as great as New 52 Snyder. Sure I wanted it to be, but, the odds were slim to none. Well, I was right.

 

First, I'm not sure what to think about this cover. Bats is Yoke AF. Bats does Legs five times a week. Bats is really an Armenian from Glendale and his new Batmobile is probably going to be just a White Mercedes E-Class with a Bat Logo on it. Speaking of the logo, it looks like Feds redacted the actual Bat logo. Is this version of Bats looking wack AF? Absolutely! Maybe that's why it's Absolute Batman. Maybe they should've called Absolutely Batman and it could've been the two Absolutely Fabulous Ladies running around Gotham in Bat Outfits fighting the crimes of people who don't get sarcasm.

The comic feels a lot like 'The Dark Knight Returns', there's a bunch of newscasters on TV panels that reminds me of that vibe. Maybe that's what they were going for, an 80s vibe. That might explain why Bruce Wayne looks like Akira. Tell me this isn't Akira from the legendary Akira Anime Film of the 80s:

Now don't get me wrong I would fucking love a Bat-Kira comic but this feels just like a tease not a promise. Plus, throw in the fact that Bat-Kira is running around in a bad ass motorcycle like Akira and it's clear that an Inspector Gadget Cameo is forthcoming in the soon to be released issues.

Next we have the Bowling Ball Crime Family, a family that has most of their head covered in a bowling ball. I'm not sure which DC Suit has a fantasy about a babe coming out of a pool in a bikini with a bowling ball on her head but it made it into this comic book.

 

 

 

I suppose I would be intrigued and disgusted by an underground brothel called 'Bang & Bowl' where you could enjoy the company of a babe and then see if you could toss her down a lane for a spare afterward. Has an exchange like this ever happened where it was a literal reference:

 

 

Bang & Bowler #1: How was Sapphire?

Bang & Bowler #2: Dude, she was a gutterball. 

Word is Harvey Weinstein and Oprah bowled girls all the time in Haiti. I will say this, the action sequence at the end of the book was fan-fucking-tastic. A+. Wow. One of the better Bat Beatdowns you'll see. Overall, this comic was what I expected, nothing spectacular yet enjoyable enough to keep grabbing future ishes. There's been a slew of reprints already and the variant cover list is up to 46. 46! Forty Six Fucking Covers. This is like the Beatles 'Yesterday' of comic books. If I see one of those blank covers at my comic book shop I plan on picking up so I can have a cool comic book artist sketch the Absolute Bat Dude on my blank cover. There will be one important detail that they'll have to incorporate into the cover. There's going to have to be a text bubble over Bats that says "You lift Bro?".

 

 

RATING: 7.5

VERDICT: Pull, Bang & Bowl

WONDER WOMAN #11-12 - Review & Evisceration

 

 

What the actual Eff to the Uck? Are you kidding me??? What is this tripe? What in William Moulton’s name is going on here??? Dude. Eff you DC. Like, seriously. Thanks but no thanks for taking a monumental dump on this comic book. A comic book that I was actually enjoying for the first time in almost a decade thanks to Tom King who was working on a solid narrative. A narrative that paired wonderfully with Daniel Sampere’s stunning art that was bringing this title back to readable and pull-able on a monthly basis.

 

I knew I was in trouble once I saw ‘Tie-In’ in the solicits. I didn’t think it would be too bad. I figured I’d have to endure a few pages of WTF that tracked to a crossover event I had zero interest in. Nope. Nothing could be further from the truth. This entire issue was hijacked by this Absolute Power bullshit. They said it was a tie-in. It was more like a tie-up. Actually no, it was more like a Tie Down on the floor with some dominatrix industry grade twine and the heel of a Stiletto in your nostril.

 

 

Right from page one it was a poop show: A poker game in the Watergate Hotel with Dubz, some, I dunno non-descript characters, Zatanna (I think), John Constantine (who I can’t stand) and, what the fuck is this? A monkey in a Sherlock Holmes outfit? Jeez. Like, how much of a coke and tranq addiction do the suits of DC have?

 

 

Let’s get something straight comic book making people. You are NOT allowed to have anthropomorphic characters anymore. That’s right. If you’re making a comic book that is off limits. The only comic that gets to use Anthropomorphic characters is Saga. Sah-Guh. They have monopolized that market, cornered the industry and staked their claim on that entire story device. Saga can do anything they want with that. A Panda Bear with a Tit on it’s ear. An Elephant dressed up like Wyatt Earp that has two butts and shoots naked Anime Babes out of its pistols. A Ferrett Pimp with three dicks that resembles Burt Reynolds; whatever they want! So if you think it’s cheeky to give me Detective Chimp playing poker, it’s not. 

 

I want to be clear that I do not blame Tom King for any of this. This is the DC Suits dressed as Furries with cutouts for their bungholes barging into Tom King's home and demanding he write the Watergate Poker Game that Zaslav dreamed up while taking orders from Klaus Schwab in Geneva.

 

My goodness, what the hell is going on in this comic? Shazam appears out of nowhere, an Iron Man looking flying robot with Elf Ears bursts through the hotel window of the poker game. Wait, why is it in the Watergate? Like, is this a commentary or something about, what? Scandal. Corruption. Government Shenanigans? Tricky Dicks? A Doctor Doom looking rip off without the Doom is flying around and – I can’t. I’m flipping through this comic like it’s a tattered ‘Creepshow’ comic without a cover in a 5 cent bin at a Garage Sale. This is not even close to being readable.

 

The low point of the entire DC Comics Publishing History may actually be this panel.

 

 

 

Like, Chimplock Holmes has had enough and he’s ready to take down the flying Elf Robot! Yeah, man, give it that Ooo Ooo Ooo War Cry! This is like my Ten Pound Terrier on her leash getting all worked up at a hundred pound Pit Bull while she’s on her walk; settle down babe, you’re as big as that thing’s head. I think DC Suits are back to doing acid again. It’s the only explanation I can think of as to why their non Black Label line has become so pooptastic. Like, clearly Marvel dudes like Lee, Kirby and Co. were high as a kite in the Sixties when they were pumping out comics. Yet they were obviously on Marijuana. Their stories were totally a:

 

 ‘Dude, wouldn’t it be wild if so and so did so and so and went into space and there’s like this other Space Dude doing Space things and they, like, Dude, meet another Space Dude who radiates him and turns him into a Super Space Dude and then takes him to another Dimension?’

 

Then they would laugh for several hours and make the comic. DC creators were clearly on psychedelics. They were seeing rainbows and technicolor animals goofily dancing in bubblegum panels with their goofy hero premises. You couldn’t really take DC seriously until Frank Miller wrote ‘The Dark Knight Returns’, then it was, ohh shit, wait a minute, is DC cool? But, yeah, I think DC is doing Plastic Man Acid Tabs again.

 

And who is this Amanda Waller chick? Is she the Elf Robot? I have no fucking idea, I had to CIA Data Suck/Google it. This is what they told me:

 

Though lacking superpowers, Amanda Waller is often portrayed as a ruthless, high-ranking government official who uses guile, political connections, and intimidation to achieve her goals, often in the name of national security.

 

So she’s Kamala Harris? I think if they just went with the actual Word Salad Kamala you’d have a winner of a crossover event. Maybe then DC could be unburdened by what has been, Lord knows they got burdens, lots of fucking burdens. I also would be down if the Absolute Power villain was called the Cackler, another Kamala type hero. Then the enraged psychopathic Chimp attack would make a lot more sense. I mean, could anything be more sinister and diabolical then Wonder Woman giving her best punch to the Cackler and then seeing this:

 

 

 

Another fucked up thing DC did is they came out with all these cool Jose Luis Garcia-Lopez Variant Covers that just haaaappened to be ready for the month that this crossover BS would hit the Dubz title along with every other main DC title.

 

 

Admittedly these throwback covers were fantastic and fun, I totally bit. So this dope cover is sitting in my comic rack for a while just giving me ‘You’re gonna love this’ vibes until of course I opened it and psychedelic vomit poured all over my living room. You had to figure they knew the insides were diseased so they pulled out these covers that were probably sitting around for a Defcon 1 situation such as this.

 

So I tossed this issue into my closet, like people toss traumatic events into the dark recesses of their psyche and turned to the next issue to – wait, what? Another fucking Heel in my Nostril Tie Down? There’s another entire issue full of this Absolute Poop Fest! Dude! What happened to continuity??? You had a great set up at the end of Issue 10, I’m all excited for what comes next then you ram a jagged razor in my ass and say spend $10 on two months worth of excrement! Look at this junk:

 

 

Now Damian/Robin is at a table with Dubz! Is this a new motif? Let’s put heroes in normal situations like tables and cafes and coffee shops? Look, if I’m a waiter and these Mofos walk into my Steakhouse and it’s not anywhere near Halloween I’m bolting out the fucking door. First of all, do you see any pockets on Dubz and Dame? No, no you don’t. Where’s their fucking money? Who’s paying for their steak tartare and oyster shooters? The Dude in the Trench? Who is the Dude in the Trench and how much has he spent on OnlyFans in the past week? 10, 20 thousand? I have no fucking idea who he is nor do I care. A few panels before the steakhouse scene he was doing this:

 

 

 

That’s exactly my reaction when I realized I dropped $5 for swill. My fancy chocolate bars that I get at Whole Foods cost $5. I could be gnawing on some amazing dark chocolate and raising my testosterone levels but no, I’m ingesting the fetid moronic thoughts of the dipshits who run the comic book arm of this media conglomerate that is sinking faster than Katy Perry’s Insta views.

 

 

Wait a minute, is there another one of these??? DUDE. Issue #13 is ALSO more of this Kamala garbage! Wait a minute, look at this, there’s 39 fucking issues that tie in to this cross it off your pull list event. 39! The losers at Warner Discovery want normal honest comic book loving geeks like you and me to drop 200 Bucks in a shit economy on this pathetic marketing angle. Warner Discovery is hemorrhaging money as their business model completely falls the fuck apart. I bet Zaslav took a break from dining on children in his Executive Suite to run into the DC Editor meeting and demand that heroes eat at tables like the rest of us eat!

 

Look at their stock price! Eight bucks a share, what a joke! It used to be $50. That’s what will happen to this comic book. It costs $5 today. In a few years it’ll be worth 75 cents on a ‘Make Me an Offer’ eBay page. Your stock price costs less than a 1:50 comic book shop exclusive variant from a shop that nobody has ever heard of or will ever visit, what with its inflated price based on nothing but manufactured artificial scarcity.

 

Wait, there’s some character in this series called Elongated Man? Elongated Man??? Does he use a Penis Pump? Is he called Penis Pump man in your perverted DC editorial meetings and then you changed it to Elongated Man to skate under the censors? How fucking high are you people? Did Pfizer pop into a meeting and urge you to drop a subliminal character on horny comic geeks all over the world? Are the Pfizer reps blotto also? Does some DC Comics Intern have to drop 25 pounds of coke onto the floor and line it from the elevator to Zaslav’s office? I wouldn’t be surprised.

 

 

 

I happily pick up poop every day from my little Princess. I love her with all my heart. If you’re dead set on smearing your titles with poop I wanna let you know that I’m here to help. Clearly my Princess’s poop is an upgrade over your story lines, just tell me where to send it. I’ll do it on one condition. That you change the name of this tie in event to Absolute Poop. I can hear the cackling in the air. It’s a hearty cackle. You’re welcome.

 

Rating: 1.0

Verdict: Unburden yourself from this Event.