CANARY #3 - Review & Snyder Psycho Analysis

 

I think I’ve figured out Scott Snyder, what makes him tick, and perhaps why some of his comics turn to poop. Maybe I’ve also figured out what reduces him to a quivering mess in his bed at night. Before I get into it I’d like to preface all of this by saying I consider Scott to be one of the pre eminent comic book writers of our time. He’s imaginative, versatile and wonderful at crafting engaging plots. I’ve said this before but his ‘Court of Owls’ run on the main Batman title is, in my opinion, the greatest Batman story ever told. His run on Batman was also one of the greatest runs on that comic, ever. But, if you’ll remember, it kind of ended oddly, didn’t it?

 

So let’s return back to the end of Snyder’s Batman run, it was the whole Mr. Bloom storyline, right? Now, I don’t remember the specifics of the story line but I do remember the final issues feeling rushed and out of sorts. The absolute last Synder issue was befuddling as somehow Commissioner Gordon became the hero, not Batman and, it just felt off. Now, this was a while ago but I distinctly remember putting that issue down with a bad taste in my mouth. Really? That’s how one of the greatest Bat writers ever goes out? Now, that’s neither here nor there but let’s take a look at the Bloom dude:

 

 

Pointy Talons, impaling people, tall, skinny. Okay, now catalog that image in your head. So, Snyder’s Batman run ends in 2016 but back in 2014 he put out a limited series called ‘Wytches’ which was an amazing horror comic. It may be one of my favorite horror comics of all time and I’m not a big fan of the horror genre. Anyway, it concealed the look of the actual Wytches of the story until the very end which really amped up the tension and intrigue; you had to know who these Wytches were. Well, once you saw them, I mean, look, it was still a great story but, I dunno, a little wacky, not gonna lie. It was kind of hard to find an image of them and there’s no way I’m searching through dozens of comic book boxes for the issues but they kind of looked like this

 

They were lanky with long arms, disproportionately large and small eye sockets, absurdly long talon-like fingers. Also, the main character ended up somehow entering one of the trees through a tree knot which led to this extensive subterranean lair that seemed to stretch for miles. At this point we got Bloom and Wytches. Okay, next up we have the Batman Who Laughs that became immensely popular during that whole ‘Metal’ run, which I thought was mediocre at best. Yeah, thinking back on that Metal stuff it was pretty bad. Like, I couldn’t even tell you what happened and there were a shit ton of issues; expensive ones I might add. Yet the crown jewel of that entire storyline was the creation of a dark alternate reality version of Batman called the ‘Batman who Laughs’. Clearly a Joker-esque character mold. Let’s take a look at the BWL:

 

 

Starting to see a pattern here? Tall, lanky, pointy dude things. Fast forward to his Dark Horse/Comixology Original reprints and he’s right back with the Pointies. His ‘We Have Demons’ was a complete and utter mess, gory, gross and generally silly BUT he did have copious amounts of spiky pointy things. Here's the cover of the first issue which could have been called 'We Have Spiky Nightmares'.

 

 

Next was ‘Night of the Ghoul’, which I reviewed here 'Night of the Ghoul', and sure enough look at what’s sloughing after the kid in another subterranean expanse that seems to go on forever:

 

 

Next up, his ‘Barnstormers’ story, one of my absolute favorites of 2023. Now, one would think, okay it’s a Romance in the skies type story so we’re not going to see any Snyder nightmare beings, actually, you’d be wrong about that. The main character dude is tormented by dreams of a tall lanky Robot with big shining eyes. Do I have to keep going???

 

Finally we’re at ‘Canary’. Now, I was really enjoying this one, a major page turner. Snyder, per usual, set up the world and main characters perfectly and really built the suspense through the first two issues. I had to know ‘What’s up with this mine? What’s in it? Why are people going bonkers because of it?’ Now through the first two issues there were some gruesome horrific elements but nothing too off the walls. I think Snyder crafted a fine balance between a grounded Mystery in a remote Western town with a cast of characters that weren’t clichéd or one dimensional at all. I genuinely was looking forward to the third issue and the big reveal.

Well, all this final issue revealed is that Scott Snyder needs therapy. This issue totally went off the rails, careening into the depths of Wackadoodleville. My goodness. What a shit show. What a disappointing mess. So our heroes find their way into the mine and gee, guess what, it goes down thousands and thousands of feet into a deep subterranean world that goes on forever; more subterranean empire stuff. The female lead’s Dad lords over the subterranean ‘Mine World’ and this is what he looks like.

 

Not only that, once our lead Vigilante dude comes upon the Spiky Emperor of shiny pointy things he finds that his two accomplices, the babe and the geologist dude, have been impaled through their midsections by Daddy Talonbucks. 

 

 

Major gripe alert, the chick and the dude who were run through by these elongated demon spikes obviously escape. Now, I can somehow believe their adrenaline fuels them to run at top speed from the Pointy Army of Death despite the fact that they have a major hole in their body that’s not been cauterized or stopped in any way. Yet once they get to the surface – what, nothing? Like, oh, yeah we were impaled but, yeah, that was a few pages ago. They don’t collapse, they don’t reach for the wound, it’s like it never happened. C’mon Scottie, deal with the pointy trauma.

 

Here’s what I think happened. Snyder starts with the pointy teeth theme with American Vampire in 2010. He then goes on to have a massive success with his Batman run which started around 2012 or so. With success comes great responsibility and pressure. At some point he probably went to therapy, or maybe even better, signed up for an Ayuhuasca ceremony to connect with the Great Spirit of comic book writing: Jack Kirby. One of these sessions went awry and it brought up a buried nightmare of his, that of a tall bug eyed lanky point fingered monster thingy that lived under his bed or in his closet as a child. I had one like this when I was kid, I was terrified of the Nosferatu Vampire, notice the similarities with the Synder Monster Canon?

 

Maybe Scott also saw Nosferatu as a kid and it drove him batty, no pun intended. So while enjoying Bat success he decides to exorcise his demons (perhaps his We Have Demons title is him admitting that he still has them) and writes Wytches; the first instance of the lanky bug eyed pointy monster thingy. Unfortunately it opens up a Pandora’s Box of repressed fear and psychosis for Snyder which spurs him on to write the Mr Bloom story line. As the story progresses Snyder regresses and becomes more and more volatile to the point where he’s a blubbering mess at DC Editorial meetings. He’s wailing ‘Pointy Pointy Pointy! BIG eyes! Big! Ooooh very big! Tall Big Pointy Pointy Pointy!’ At this point DC knows they have to can him or give him a break which is why Mr. Bloom ends with a thud.

 

Weeks later Snyder shows up to DC offices again. He’s been told to stay away for a couple of months to get his act together and see a shrink. He ignores this advice and completely loses his shit instead. He shows up to DC dressed up as the Batman who Laughs. Maybe he looked like this:

 

 

Of course, if you’re walking around New York City like this nobody is going to blink an eye. They’d just assume you’re in a Death Metal Band or work for the Mayor. Now, DC could either wrap him up in a straight jacket or squeeze the insanity out of him and release a whole new series of Snyder Stuff for $5-6 bucks a pop with foil covers and shit; make a killing. What do you think they did? The ‘Metal’ stuff was mind numbingly bad but DC made their cash and then they jettisoned the wack job. Since then Snyder’s been shaking in his writer’s chair, yelping ‘Pointy Pointy coming to get me’ every few minutes while he pops out new comic story lines.

 

He’s got his pointy fingers in the amazing new DSTLRY line with his upcoming ‘White Boat’ horror series. It remains to be seen if he’s exorcised the Nine Inch Nails from his psyche. Maybe DSTLRY did an intervention on him and shook him back to a balanced bad ass comic book writer. It's not that Scott's not one of the most talented writers in the industry. It just seems he can't help himself at the conclusion of each of his books to crumble into the Spiky Evil imagery that seems to torment him. Whatever the case may be, I’ll always drop coin for a Scott Snyder book. It may be bat shit crazy, but it’ll be wonderfully entertaining – at least until the Pointy Pointy shows up.

 

Rating: 6.1

Verdict: Don't ever point at Scott Snyder

THE BEST COMIC BOOKS OF 2023

 

                  THE BEST COMIC BOOKS OF 2023

Is the Comic Book Industry falling apart? Well, I think you can swap out ‘Comic Book Industry’ and put almost any business model, institution or political party before the words ‘falling apart’ and it would be an apt statement for this past year or two. Yet this year, more than any other, has been in my view one of the roughest years of comic books that I can remember. It just felt waaaay off. I mean, I hear how LCS retailers are constantly complaining about the publishers. I see how stores are closing all over the country. I hear the Comic Book Pundits (am I one? Mmm, not really) decrying the ills and missteps of the industry itself. Fans seem to whining and moaning left and right, what the fuck is going on?

 

Well, I can only speak from the experience of a dude who has been buying comics for over 40 years. What I would say is, mmm, it’s not that it’s falling apart it’s that it’s been reassigned. In other words, comics are means to other ends especially when you’re talking about the Big Poo (the Big 2). For these corporate death stars, comics feed into its inordinate amount of IP offerings that are charted on X & Y Axis graphs and all kinds of business degree mumbo jumbo bullshit that have basically ruined comic books. Sure, the independents are going strong. Wait, no, scratch that, Image is still going strong while other independents thrash and claw for a limited audience with either rehashed characters or gruesome over the top silly horror/sexy books. Dark Horse got bought out by a gaming company and their titles have also sunk to new lows of blecchh. Even Image, as wonderful as they are, didn’t knock a lot out of the park this year.

 

Here’s the bottom line for me: I bought 150 comic books this year. That’s the lowest amount of comics I’ve purchased since I started keeping track of it about 15 years ago. Back in the heyday of 2016-2018 I was buying over 300 comics a year. So what happened? Well, Marvel got bought out by Satan aka Disney and their comics became all but unreadable. 

 

I seriously root for Disney’s stock to crater every day with the hopes that, I dunno, they sell Marvel cuz they need the cash or don’t care anymore? DC? I dunno either, last year was the year of their amazing run of Black Label titles, this year? Pure poop. I don’t think anyone knows what the fuck to do or how to do it over in DC and it shows. Their recent Aqua Turd movie is dead in the water as was most of the garbage they put out this year. So when you have the Two Pillars of the Industry mired in caca it fucks things up for everyone else. One would think “oh there’s now a void to fill because Marvel & DC are churning out titles that look like the pink goo that they make McNuggets with” but it’s actually the opposite. Hate on them as much as you want but Marvel & DC are comic books. If they’re going strong everybody is going strong because that means butts in the Comic Book shops which means more sales of the independent offerings.

 

Here’s another reason why I bought less books: y’all raised the prices a bit too much. See, back in the day I could jump on a book for 5-6 issues, grab a mini-series for 4 issues, try out a series and spend about $15, woop dee doo. Now, every story arc/mini series is like $25-30, hmm, yeah fuck that! If issue one sucks, buh to the bye homie. Now I’ll check out the solicits for future issues to see what’s going on with the plot before I decide to pick something up whereas before I wouldn’t care, I’d just add it to my pull and read the whole series, because, well, I love comics. But I’m not trying to spend over $100 a month on comics right now especially since most of them are so disappointing. So with the quality of books in the toilet and the prices up it makes for a very nasty combination.

 

Mark Millar, who I’m not a big fan of but who I deeply respect as guy who loves comics, had this to say on what he thinks should be the fix for the industry

 

Mark Millar's Comic Book Plan

 

I wouldn’t know if this would work or not but it’s clear to me that something has to change. Somebody has to come in and clean fucking house at the Big 2 like Javier Milei is doing in Argentina. I need a Comic Book Geek of the People to go in the same way that Javier did and get rid of all the Editors and Ideological Fuckwits that have ruined Hero Books.

 

Yo Marvel and DC Dipshit Editors? AFUERA!

 

There’s a guy who makes amazing videos about the Comic Book Industry. I would say he is the true voice of reason for Comic Book Geeks like myself and it’s clear that he loves comics as much as anyone. I remember watching a video of his where he said that the Big 2 were more interested in the Variant Cover market than they were in actually making good comics. So, that makes a whole lot of sense to me. People are buying up covers at astronomical prices regardless of what’s inside so the more you poop out and the more you create artificial scarcity for them the more shekels you will make. That’s all well and good for your corporate hooker and blow budget but, yeah, sucks for us. If that is what’s really going on then we may not see the end of this downturn for a while until they cut back on these variants. You can check out this dude’s channel here:

 

Thinking Critical 

 

Anyway, as for the ‘Best of the Year’ it was a slog to say the least. Last year I chose a dozen books that were absolutely amazing along with some honorable mentions. This year? I couldn’t even find 10 titles that blew me out of the water. Not even 10 for goodness sake. I went over every week of my pulls and, man, I pulled a lot of stuff that ended up sucking ass. To be clear, this list isn’t of comics that were good, or decent or really good. This is a list of Greatness. This is a list of books that after I put them down I went ‘That was fucking awesome’ If I didn’t feel like that then it’s not on this list. So yeah, not that many to choose from but these did the trick, here ya go…

 

 

8. Deep Cuts - A series of stories that travel through the history of Jazz? Sign me the fuck up! Kyle Higgins and Joe Clark along with some bad ass artists deliver some wonderfully poignant and historically accurate tales that span the early decades of Jazz. I really wish this was an ongoing series rather than a standard ‘Six issues and we’re done’ affair. That’s something that would be exciting to dive into every month. I really loved the sheet music that they included in the back matter and the homage to Blue Note. This was Image's Golden Offering of the Year by far. For some reason they dropped three issues and then stopped in July but it looks like they’re picking up again in January. 

 

 

7. barnstormers - Dark Horse has been reprinting all of Scott Snyder’s Comixology’s Originals Digital Series into 3 issue Drops for the past year or so. One was atrocious (We Have Demons) one was mediocre (Night of the Ghoul) one was really good (Clear) but this one was downright awesome. I’d say the main reason besides an out of the box story of a death defying pilot and his forbidden love on the run is Tula Lotay’s spectacularly beautiful art that graced each and every panel. Bonnie & Clyde take to the air! What an absolute joy to read. Snyder’s got another one that just started, ‘Canary’ and so far it’s also a great first issue. Go Scott Go!

 

 

 

 

 

6. The Avengers: War Across Time - The best thing Marvisney put out all year by far was a Retro Series. What a fucking blast it was to read a story that hit on all the right notes from the Golden Era of Comics! They dusted off some dude named Paul Levitz who was probably busy noshing on a pastrami sandwich at Katz’s Deli and made him pop out a paean to what made hero books great: bright colors, silliness, goofy and sexy dialogue, gravitas, time machines and buildings and streets that were always being destroyed or spewing lava men. I’ve been saying for years that Marvisney should just publish monthly facsimile issues of their great titles like Spidey & FF & The Avengers on a monthly basis so it could give us the feeling that we’re reading them as if we were living back in the 60s when they first came out. But that would be too much fun, so, that won't work these days.

 

 

 

 

5. Love Everlasting - The second arc of what very well might be Tom King’s masterpiece of a series upped the ante and the wow factor on what already was a perfectly executed story of Joan Peterson and the multiple timelines of deadly love that follows and torments her through all of her lives in all of the different eras that she has lived in. Written in the style of a dimestore comic book romance this mind trip of a book just kept getting better and better from issue to issue. It’s one of those rare books that you really get excited about when you see a new issue pop up on the solicits. Elsa Charretier is officially an Art Super Star and I will follow her work wherever she goes. I will also say that so far King's first few issues on Wonder Woman are quite good, the best Dubz story I’ve read in ages! Tom King comin’ wit da ruffneck bidness in the two three boyeee.

4. Batman: City of Madness - It was a really tough year for my homie Bats. I just could not get into anything that he was in. All the books were just blah or refried plot beans. Sean Murphy ended his beyond brilliant White Knight run on a ‘ehh, that was cool but not great’ note then handed it off to his wonderful wife and a putz who wrote a series about the Joker’s kids which I couldn’t stomach. I suffered month after month begging the Comic Book Universe to deliver me a majestic Bat Book and it finally answered my prayers at the very end of the year with Christian Ward’s eye popping beast of a book. My goodness, give this man an ongoing series for the next five years! In a year of cheap fake meat Bat burger stories this was the Wagyu patty with the Goldleaf Bun story that beat the bejeezus out of them all. Hopefully this is the beginning of a new run of great Black Label titles.

 

 

 

 

 

3. Rare Flavours - The creative team behind one of the best comics of the decade ’The Many Deaths of Laila Starr’ returned with another magical tale that invoked the earthly representation of another Hindu deity. This time around it’s a Raksha or demon that fancies itself as a type of cannibalistic Anthony Bourdain. Each issue just feels like an event as you’re transported away from your life and immersed into a fully realized elevated world of monstrous beauty. I feel like these two had a conversation that went something like 'Should we tell the Demon Bourdain story now or should we wait?' as if they were waiting for the perfect moment to unleash this gem of a story on humanity.  Ram V and Filipe Andrade have that uncanny artistic synergy that doesn’t come along very often in comics. Catch them while you can. 

2. A Vicious Circle - Only one issue of this mind blowing three issue series was released this year, over six months after its first issue which was released in December of 2022 but oh what a fucking issue it is. The art in this comic is absolutely astonishing. Lee Bermejo puts on a clinic on how to turn a comic book into art gallery material. I suppose with the amount of assumed work and attention to detail that went into each of the first two issues it’s understandable why it takes them so long to release them. Mattson Tomlin’s exhilarating time jumping story of mortal enemies does more than enough to keep up with Bermejo’s legendary work. A book like this puts publishers and creators on notice. This is how it’s done. This is how you make a statement to the world on why comic books matter. Despite it being limited to only three issues this is a time traveling book for the ages.

1. Conan The Barbarian - By Crom you did it! You wrested the Conan license away from the evil clutches of Marvisney and showed the entire planet how to make a Hero Book. True, this Cimmerian isn’t like the heroes of neon tights and inter-galactic superpowers but make no mistake, this Barbarian slashed his way through those mangy curs to the top of the heap of the comic book world this year. Oh, what a joy to experience the true unbridled love that the creators of this comic most certainly have for this character and for them to have the courage to present him in all of his glory. In a pathetic world where nitwits, meager mealy mouthed toads and spindly cowards froth at the mouth with their idiotic claims of toxic masculinity, Titan Comics had the balls to say ‘Yeah, fuck that, here’s Conan’. 

 

And yes, it wasn’t just their approach, Jim Zub’s writing and Roberto De La Torre’s art was as perfect a match for Conan as you could ask for. What an absolute triumph. If you’ve never read a Conan story before you could actually pick up the first arc of this book and know exactly what it’s like to read one of the best from the past as it feels just as authentic as any of Robert E. Howard’s offerings. Perhaps this is the future of comic books. Is it possible for a group of hyper excited artists and writers to somehow get the licenses from all of our favorite heroes and start them over for us? Can we join Conan on his pirate ship with Belit and do a hostile takeover of the Hulk, Spidey and Iron Man? Can we have Scott Snyder and Christian Ward storm DC's offices with guns blazing and take Batman from them? 

 

Is this the way? Will there need to be a Comic Book Civil War? Drastic times call for drastic measures. Titan's 'Conan' reminded me how amazing it is to read a heroic tale. Yes, all genres can be found in comics but it's the heroes that really shine the most. It's the heroes that we can't find in our world, lifting buildings, shooting lasers out of their eyes, flying above us, it's these heroes that we find next to the staples of the pages of our favorite childhood titles that inspire us the most. And yes, we're adults and we have jobs and responsibilities now that go beyond these tales. Yet these tales remind us of what can be, not only in the world but within ourselves. They reminds us that life is a magical journey where anything can happen at any moment. The improbable victories over evil that we read in the pages of strong iconic heroes can somehow give us what we need to overcome the obstacles that we face in our lives.

And so as we turn the page on another year I see hope for a return to this glorified experience of reading comics that sit in our hands, not in our computers. I'm not sure how it will happen but I know it's possible. 

“There is always a way, if the desire be coupled with courage,” - Conan

 

Happy New Year - Issac

BARNSTORMERS #1 - Review

 

And I’m back for another three issue Scott Snyder Droperoonkski! I just can’t seem to stay away from his premises, they all look and sound great. The execution? Welllll...First there was ‘The Night of the Ghoul’ which I reviewed. It started out with a solid bang and then petered off into complete nonsensical swill on a page. This was my take on the 3rd issue Ghoul #3 which only made sense as an allegorical reveal of how Snyder escaped the clutches of the Big 2. Then there was ‘Clear’ which also started off with a bang bang for the first issue. The second issue was a nice helping of poo but the final issue came with that boom bap and brought it on home for the equivalent of an enjoyable satisfying handy as I finished it in my La-Z-Boy. I reviewed that here and came to the conclusion that Snyder's career paralleled Yankee slugger Giancarlo Stanton's

 

So to recap: That’s 1 of 3 solid issues for Ghoul and 2 of 3 solid issues for Clear. Can we, for all that is good and holy in the comic book universe, puhhhleeaaaaze get 3 solid issues here Synder? I’m optimistic. Maybe Dark Horse took a look at all these offerings of these Synder Triplets and released them in order of wack to bad ass which would mean that ‘Barnstormers’ was about to bring some serious sequential art ruckus for all us geeky comicfockas. You’ve got a romance book with a babe in a plane set in the roaring 20s drawn by Hip Hop Hooray Ho Tula Lotay Yo and this has the makings of a B52 Book Bombah.

 

Speaking of Dark Horse, has anyone noticed that they’ve been bumped from the major publisher sections of Previews World and relegated to all the Indie Books? They used to get their own section where all of their solicits were in one place. Now they’re just part of the soup that includes the likes of ‘Scout’ and ‘Artists and Writers’ and the questionably pornerific manga anime titles from ‘Oni Press’. It’s like they’re the AFC Richmond Greyhounds who just got booted from the Premier League. It’s like they’ve been sent down to the minors. It’s like they’ve shown up to the cool Comic Book After Party in the Hills and were told to wait on line like the rest of the rabble while IDW and Boom suckas waltz right on in.

 

Hey, it’s a justified demotion. Dark Horse originals have been downright putrid as of late. Seems like once they got sold to Embracer, the Swedish Video Game Conglomerate, their titles and story lines got cheaper than an Ikea coffee table made from balsa wood and hope. Embracer basically bought it to make all their IPs into TV Shows and movies and what they’ve delivered so far has been outright bunk; I’m looking at you Umbrella Acada-blecchhh. The worst part of the whole deal was that the word ‘mine’ was used extensively in the press release. Embracer couldn’t wait to ‘mine’ their creations. Stick a finger in my comic geek throat and hurl. This is the epitome of why comic books have sucked so bad in recent memory, they’re not being written for comic books they’re being written for TV. They’re not story boards you assholes, they’re comic books. Anyway, Dark Horse was smart enough to snatch up the Comixology Snyder Triumvirate and release them under their imprint to at least reclaim some of the respectability that they once had.

 

As for Barnstormers, first things first, Tula Lotay’s art is simply gorgeous. Each page is an art gallery, a master class in sequential story telling. Buying up all three of these issues is worth it for her triumph alone. Does Snyder keep up? For the most part, yes. A woweee holy moly babe who’s the daughter of a farmer is forced to marry some douchebag so her dad’s farm won’t get taken over. When the struggling red baron air devil dude ruins her wedding to said douchebag she sees it as a sign and takes off with him to escape her fate.

 

How psyched would I be if this girl showed up outside of my gym and told me I had no choice but to ride into the wide blue yonder with her in my Camaro:

 

Of course, I’d have to ask to her pitch in for gas money. I mean, it’s close to 6 bux a gallon out here in Commiefornia. I’d probably just drive out to Woodland Hills and tell her we made it to Death Valley where nobody would ever dare to look for her. Then I’d take her out for dinner at the prepared foods section at Whole Foods, ya know, really splurge on her, give her my rendition of my fave Shakespearean monologue. We'd be making out on our walk past TGIFriday's in no time.

 

There’s a bunch of interesting plot devices, including the lead pilot having hallucinations or psychotic episodes of a motorized robot with glowing eyes following him. Overall, Snyder drops another solid well structured set-up issue and cliffhanger and has his audience hooked for more. That’s 3 for 3 in first issues of these comixology originals if you’re not counting. If you’re an upcoming comic book writer perhaps taking a look at the first issues of these Snyder three-issue drops will clue you in as to how to grab an audience.

 

The one gripe I have with the book is, well, the females use the word ‘Fuck’ a lot. Like, was that even a thing back then? I thought if you said ‘Goddamn’ it was like using the c-word back then. I feel like girls said stuff like ‘My Stars’ or ‘Tarnation’ or ‘Gee willikers’ or ‘Take a Hike, Bub’. In Barnstormers, not so much. When our pilot asks a sexy redhead operator to help promote his plane stunts in the next town she says:

 

You want to win me over? How about some fucking quiet?

 

That sounds like every girl I match with on the dating apps. They don’t want me sending me them an initial text, they want me to just say nothing for six months to a year, yeah that’s it. These girls are tired of all this message noise! Oy vey.

 

Anyway, I mean, I can see any redhead dropping f-bombs but for some chick from the 1920s, seems a little out of sorts. The lead runaway bride babe also drops f-bombs every other text bubble. Seems like Snyder is either trying to make this edgy or  Embracer sent Dark Horse a message saying they want their IPs to have more F-Bombs because their AI Content Algos are telling them the target 18-34 demo needs to see or hear F-Bombs every 28.7 words in a game or show.

 

Buy this fucking comic you fucking geeks, fuck!

 

Aaaand I just got an e-mail from Embracer, they like my fucking writing style, do I have any IPs? Well Swedish Comic Book Publisher Destroyer, I got this video game concept where a horny dater virtually enters the messaging part of the app and wanders around for the duration of the game fighting indifference and the void.

 

I call it  ___________________.                                 

 

Let the bidding begin.

 

Rating: 9.1

Verdict: Pull

Murder Inc.: Jagger Rose #2 - Review & The Nut Police

 

I’m now two issues into this mini-series, or should I say series because every frikkin’ comic is a mini-series in the current world of short leashes. I feel a little lost in this whole Jagger Rose comic by Bendis and co. I definitely get the sense that you need to have some sort of context or connection to previous issues and editions of this Murder, Inc. opus in order to fully get what’s going on here. Look, I love me some Bendis, gimme gimme. Add in the fact that Michael Avon Oeming and Taki Soma’s art and colors are a delicious feast for the eyes and I should be all in on this book - but I really have no idea what’s what. It's like I've been dropped into the middle of The Godfather Pt. II and Michael is telling Fredo that he broke his heart without having seen any Godfather stuff prior to that scene.

 

I get that this is some sort of fictionalized future where the Mob controls half of the U.S? Umm, we call that ‘The Government’ in present time, but whatever. The mechanisms and hierarchy of this new landscape really isn’t laid out for new readers. We start the second installment where they’re now at the Vatican and the Pope is some Nuyorican Soul Sistah from Brooklyn which is fine by me but I have zero idea how she connects with the main characters or what she really wants or how a Soul Sistah from Brooklyn got to be the Pope. I’m just gonna assume they put out a casting call for the Pope in LA & NY and nothing but Soul Sistahs showed up because they knew old white dudes would never sniff a line of that part, because, duh, they would be racist for showing up to the casting. C’mon people, get with 2023.

 

The cast of mob characters and shady shysters that are now at the Nuyorican (which is the new name for the Vatican and that’s fine by me as well, two snaps and a mm mmm for the Nuyorican high holy poetry slam on Sundays) always seem to reference some ill shit that happened a while ago yet I don’t know what that shit was. They always look at this Jagger chick with a look like ‘Gurl, you know what you did’ and I have no idea what she did other than get drawn perfectly by M to the A to the O. Do you think Oeming calls himself that or do you think one of his friends ever says that to him? They should. Is one of his nicknames Mao? These are things I’m thinking about rather than trying to figure out the backstory of this book.

 

The best moment of the comic for me was when one of the Mob dudes suggested that everybody should be mandated to either nut or rub one out before leaving their house in the morning in order to take the edge off of people. Don’t believe me? Here it is.

 

 

 

I definitely like that idea but it’s a bit presumptuous. If someone is already in a good flow of nutting and jizzing they can probably take a morning off here and there especially if they had a solid Nut Night before. If they really want to mandate nutting what they need to do is to have the Nut Police (they need to enlist the Nut Police but that should be easy) enforce a Nut when someone is acting like a complete uptight asshole or seems way too high strung; that would make the world a much much better place to live in. You could also have a Citizen Nut Arrest where people just get fed up over someone being an asshole and find a way to get them a nut or hand them over to a Nut Cop.

 

Like if you’re at Whole Foods and someone is carping at somebody for having a few items over the express lane limit and making a scene about it a Nut Cop could then come over and issue them a Nut Ticket where they have to Nut within the next hour or face a hefty fine. Then you can have the government have Nut Centers or Nut Pods all over the city for people to Nut as soon as they need to. This puts subsidies into the Ho Industry which is much needed. The Nut and Jizz subsidies should then replace the sugar, corn, soy and wheat subsidies that the government is currently involved in that is making everyone sick, inflamed, fat and downright yucky (that’s the technical term).

 

I’ve always maintained that if they just offered a well regulated Ho industry to the club scene that there’d be a whole lot less drama and poor choices made by dudes as they venture out into the night. See, if normal horndog dudes in their 20s would just hit a Nut Pod or a Ho Hostel before going out to the bars and clubs they’d be a whole lot less amped to get some ayass and they’d be much more relaxed and happy having just nutted. This way the bars and clubs would be more festive and laid back versus the agro tense vibe that most spots tend to have. Anyway, an uhhhmayzing idea proferred by Bendis via Mob Douchebag #1, but I’m dropping this book. I pulled four completely new series this week and I don’t have any room for a WTF is Going On book right now. Catch you on the next one Bendy. You too M.A.O. Tse Scribbly!

 

Rating: 6.5

Verdict: Drop

CLEAR #3 - Review (The Giancarlo Stanton Parallel)

 

 

I’ve figured out something about Scott Snyder: He’s Giancarlo Stanton of the New York Yankees. Well, not exactly Giancarlo, he’s not created from his DNA or vice versa. No, Scott Snyder is the Giancarlo Stanton of the Comic Book industry. I mean, it’s a perfect match if you look at it.

 

Snyder burst onto the scene in 2010 at the same time that Stanton was a rookie. Snyder’s hit smash ‘American Vampire’ garnered him a bunch of awards, a Homerun if you will, while Stanton’s first two seasons solidified him as a titanic bat in the Marlins lineup.

 

In 2012 Snyder’s ‘Court of Owls’ Batman run was in full swing as was Stanton’s swing. Court of Owls, in my opinion, will go down as one of the greatest Batman storylines every written by anyone in the history of the character; yes it was that good and solidified Snyder as a veritable star. Stanton on the other hand, notched his first All Star appearance in 2012 and in 2014 came in second in the NL MVP vote to Clayton Kershaw, a Pitcher. I’m of the mind that pitchers already have an MVP award, it’s called the Cy Young – but whatever. Also, in 2014, Snyder put out ‘Wytches’ another monster hit that to this day is the best Horror comic I’ve ever read. News has it that Amazon Prime is making Wytches into an animated series, huh? Deep exhale.

 

In 2017 Snyder created the 'Dark Knights: Metal' mega oogah boogah crossover crossdressing event that probably involved every book in the DC Universe and probably somehow found its way into some Walking Dead comics over at Image as well. Snyder was: The Man. In 2017 Stanton crushed a whopping 59 homeruns and received his overdue MVP trophy. You might say that for both of these dudes, 2017 was the peak of their superpowers.

 

 

In 2018 and beyond Snyder kept writing more Batman Metal books that cost a whole lot due to the heroic duo of Snyder and Capullo creating it along with the fancy shmancy metallic glossy covers that all the books had. I don’t know about you but the entire ‘Metal’ run was, mnyeh. Nothing to write home or online about. I could just see DC Suits standing all over Snyder at his laptop as he wrote the series telling him to keep putting in obscure DC Character after obscure DC Character because DC is obsessed with bringing back moronic loser characters from the 60s that should stay in the 60s. I’m looking at you Mr. Mxyzptlk and Martian Manhunter!

 

In 2018 Stanton was traded along with his ginormous contract to the greatest sports organization in the history of the planet: The New. York. Yankees. Boyeeee. He had a really good first year and then injuries ruined the next two years with the team. I would say the Snyder ‘Metal’ run also injured my brain, my wallet and my view of Snyder as one of the best to ever do it.

 

In 2021, Stanton came back and, well, he had a really solid season but it was by no means earth shattering and it definitely wasn't a 30 million bucks a season good. In 2021 Synder signs an 8 Title contract with Comixology Originals. He’s three titles in and so far the books have been middling at best. ‘We Have Demons’ was a cool concept but it was an absolute mess of a plot and just devolved into gore and run of the mill ‘I love you and miss you daddy’ sniffly stuff.

 

‘Night of the Ghoul’ was also a huge disappointment. I broke that down here and then I made a case as to how Snyder was actually writing about how he refused to be initiated into the elite during an occult ritual under the Getty Center; that's here. Apparently it’s now in development as a feature film over at 20^th Century. Shouldn’t 20^th Century have changed it’s name to 21^st century by now? So now we have ‘Clear’ which actually homered in its first issue but grounded into a double play to end the second issue. As I’ve stated before with these three issue drops it’s almost impossible not to pick up the third issue if you’ve already picked up the first two; you feel silly. As has been the case with the first two titles, the debut issues were good enough and intriguing to motivate you to get the second issue which tanked in both instances. So what, you’re just gonna stop reading? Don’t you wanna see how the story ends? Sigh. I mean, not really. It’s just five bucks, then you’ll have all of the issues. Sigh, fine, it’s Scott Snyder, right?

 

See what I did there? I went for issue 3 of a series simply based off rep alone. That’s what’s going on with Stanton right now. He’s all rep no production. But you still will watch him when he’s at the plate because, jeez, look how big he is, look at those swings, if he gets a hold of one he could hit it to Myanmar! But he won’t. He’ll strike out in big spots with the game on the line and you’ll curse his name but next week he’ll be up in the 9^th in a tied game with the crowd roaring and you’ll get your hopes up all over again. Snyder's series have become Stanton in the 9th with 2 out and runners in scoring position down one - you wince, pray and assume the worst.

 

That’s what I did with this final issue of ‘Clear’, got my hopes up and, well, it actually came out alright! I’m going to spoil one of the plot points here so if you’re planning on reading it you might wanna scroll down. First, I think that entire subject matter surrounding augmented realities and the need/addiction for humanity these days to perceive something other than what their life or the truth is through the lens of an altered perception is ripe for all sorts of creative projects. I’m deeply interested in this as a whole. In this book we get ‘veils’ which provides the user with their own filter to see the world with.

 

Something that Snyder incorporates into this futuristic world are WRKS, robots that perform all the menial tasks of this futuristic reality. Well, turns out the robots aren't robots after all. Once you take away all the veils and filters and actually see reality for what it is you'll find out that the WRKS aren't robots at all but naked muted people...with scowls on their faces. There's something about them working off their debt or being promised a nice place in Alaska or something. I hate to say it but I wasn't thrown off or disgusted by this plot twist. 

 

See, I live in Los Angeles we have actual WRKS here right now. They're called valets, baristas, Uber drivers, Whole Foods counter people. They're not naked (which is a good thing) and they do smile but they're generally treated like robots and their big promise or dangling carrot is the hope that one day they'll be bonked into the water on the newest season of 'Wipeout'. I think all politicians should be forced to be a contestant on 'Wipeout' before being allowed to hold office and if their approval rating dips below 40 they have to go on the show again slathered in coconut oil. Anyway, the ending was definitely solid, nothing to complain about. There was a nice little diatribe about how if regular folks were shown the truth they still would deny it and want to rush back to their veils, spot on that.

 

Look, this wasn’t a Homerun that’s for sure. I'd say it was a ground rule double, a deep shot to left that bounced fair and into the stands. Despite all of the misery and disappointment I'll keep rooting for Stanton and buying Snyder books because there's got to be some thunderous moonshots left in both of them. Synder's got another 3 issue series dropping soon called 'Barnstormers: a Ballad about Love and Murder'. Fuck. I'm all over that. Dammit. Well, I think my entire Stanton Parralel was spot on, I mean, look what I just found.

 

 

That's Snyder and his kids at last night's Yankee game. I swear I had no idea he was a Yankee fan until I googled the name of the Barnstormers comic which I had forgotten. Dammit Scott, you're amazing, just, I dunno...crack one out of the park for me like old times would ya? Oh and crack Zdarsky on the head and take over Batman again, mmkay? Thanks.

 

Rating: 8.7

Verdict: Cuz it's 1, 2, 3 issues for Snyder in the Ol' Comic Gaaaaaaame.