BATMAN: FIRST KNIGHT #2 - Review

 

Upon reading the solicit for this comic I immediately assumed that DC hooked up with some sort of intelligence agency or one of Elon Musk’s mind reading devices that has been targeting my thoughts. Why? Because the basic premise of this book is exactly what I have been craving, as far as a Bats story was concerned, for months if not years. Since nobody ever visits me or talks to me about comic books I have to assume that either there’s some sort of implant in my brain or my little princess is recording my facial expressions and thoughts with her eyes through another sort of implant because there’s no way that DC could have put something like this out without ‘focus grouping’ my thoughts.

 

I know that this blog is garnering attention, now, I’m sure that DC is focusing it’s black ops tech on my brain. I just have to hope that Marvisney doesn’t get wind of this blog. They don’t bother with intelligence agencies or technology. They’ll just kidnap you, bang your booty hole and send you out to a movie premiere with pink hair, a dress and a bewildered look on your face. Yes, they do engage in the whole, put an implant in your tooth and make it seem like you’re being talked to by demons but that’s only if you fight back. After multiple booty hole bangs and premieres you’re not sure which way is up; at least that’s what I’m told.

 

 

At any rate, I was thrilled to see a ‘Depression Era First Days of the Bats’ story hit the stands. I was also thrilled to see that this was getting the Black Label treatment. I then became disgusted when I found out that like all other prestige formats it was only getting 3 issues. Oy! Enough with this 3 Big Issues and you’re done insanity! For goodness sake, I’ve said this over and over, just release a prestige format as ongoing and make it bi-monthly, how hard could it be???

 

I mean, I get it. They already had the Hardcover of these three issues priced at $30 back in November. So what they’re doing is having it done and then releasing it to the comic book geeks in 3 pieces to make extra dough. There’s zero intention to make it ongoing from step one, it’s all about the hardcover, “Take what you can get you monthly losers”, yeah, whatever.

 

As far as this comic was concerned, a couple things struck me immediately. First, Mike Perkins plastered this book with absolutely gorgeous panels page after page. The atmosphere he created with his backgrounds and depiction of 30s New York City was sublime, he totally captured that era to a tee which set the book up perfectly. Secondly, I think that Jergens may have dipped into the 30s vernacular bucket a bit too much. It just felt like every piece of dialogue was dipped in the slang of day. Every other line it was Doll or Toots or Dame or Mooks or Jalopy or Hubbub. Hey, I’m all for finding dialogue where I can use the word kerfuffle but the script seemed saturated with these bon mots. Here's a snippet of the stupendous art:

But the crown jewel of this book? Batman’s Rabbi! Hava Nagila! Wow! Is this the first time a Rabbi has made an appearance in a Bats book? Or any book for that matter? Rabbi Jakob Cohen, oy, what a mensch. Now we know why Batman was able to persevere in the early days, he had Rabbi Cohen there to counsel him and get him through the bumps and bruises. He probably started Batman with the whole ‘Bring me a nice bowl of soup’ routine which is what Alfred seems to do every time Bats is brooding in his cave. Come to think of it, ya think Alfred might be Jewish? Maybe his last name is actually Pennyberg or perhaps he’s really Alfred Retailshmetail, ya never know! Jews change their names all the time.

 

Well as luck would have it, I did some digging in a local library and was able to locate a deleted scene from one of Bob Kane’s early scripts of Batman in Detetctive Comics. I was inspired to know more about Rabbi Jakob Cohen so there I was, clicking through the microfiche machine like I was researching a paper on the Scarlet Letter that was due the next day. Lo and behold, in one of Kane’s personal diaries in a sidebar, were these scribbles. It took me a minute to decipher, but I realized that it was Reb Yaakov as the character, which is another way of saying Rabbi Jacob. Don’t sweat me. So after several hours I took down this scene and here’s how it went as far as I could tell from the faded pencil that Kane used:

 

Rabbi Jacob: So? Nu?

 

Bats: I’m sorry what?

 

Rabbi Jacob: You’ve got a little blood on this outfit, hmm…

 

Bats: Gotham is a violent –

 

Rabbi Jacob: I can get blood out, wine or shmaltz not so much

 

Bats: Rabbi -

 

Rabbi Jacob: Please, call me Jacob

 

Bats: Okay, Jacob –

 

Rabbi Jacob: Actually, make it Rabbi Jacob, I think I like that better.

 

Bats: Okay, Rabbi Ja –

 

Rabbi Jacob: The ears seem big for a bat, no? Who put this together for you? My Aunt Bernice is a seamstress, she would do wonders with your Bat idea.

 

Bats: Listen, you have a target on your back and –

 

Rabbi Jacob: I’d rather a target on my back than a monkey or an itch I can’t reach.

 

Bats: I can provide you with protection. I’ve spoken to Gordon and –

 

Rabbi Jacob: What’s purple, hangs on the wall and whistles?

 

Bats: I – I don’t know

 

Rabbi Jacob: A white fish.

 

Bats: A white fish isn’t purple.

 

Rabbi Jacob: This white fish was painted purple

 

Bats: Nobody would hang a fish on the wall.

 

Rabbi Jacob: They hung this fish on the wall.

 

Bats: It’s impossible for a fish to whistle.

 

Rabbi Jacob: Oy, you got me, it doesn’t whistle.

 

Bats: Rabbi Jacob –

 

Rabbi Jacob: Did you hear about Menachem the Tailor on 54^th street and 10^th avenue?

 

Bats: No.

 

Rabbi Jacob: He sits in his shop naked.

 

Bats: Really?

 

Rabbi Jacob: I visited him and there he was sitting naked with a hat on. I asked him why he was sitting naked.

Bats: What did he say?

 

Rabbi Jacob: He said nobody visits my shop I have no customers, it’s fine.

 

Bats: Then why does he wear a hat?

 

Rabbi Jacob: He wears it in case somebody shows up.

 

It ended with a smudged piece of action that could be interpreted as ‘Batman Laughs’ which would be a first in the history of the character. Maybe it’s coughs. Maybe it’s ‘Batman roughs up Rabbi Jacob demanding he give up his secret source of fresh baked bialys’.

 

As far as any gripe for the first two issues, I thought the cliffhanger to the first issue was a bit over the top. It felt way out of place, as if Jergens was looking for something a bit too sensational. Other than that, these issues really delivered the goods and I’m super bummed that this is already going to be over by the end of next issue.

 

However, since this book is done, how about a Rabbi Jakob Cohen spinoff??? Oh c’mon, you know the world is dying to find out what happens to this dude. Who did he marry? Was she a doll or a ditz? Did he help other superheroes in their early daye like the Flash? Did he tell him to slow down and smell the roses once in a while? Did Wonder Woman’s lasso of truth never work on him because he ‘technically was always telling the truth’? The world needs to know.

 

 

 

Instead of The Bat-Man in First Knight you can call it The Rabbi Dude in First Knight of Passover – A Detective Deshmective Comics Guilt Trip. Now that's hotter than bagels fresh out of the oven.

Rating: 9.4

Verdict: Pull & Do the Horah

BATMAN: GARGOYLE OF GOTHAM #1 - Review

 

As the year hastily dwindles to a close I’m beginning to look back and take stock at what the hell I’ve been spending my hard earned cashish on. Something that’s missing from the receipts of my hard earned cashish has been an amazing Bat Book. I mean, dude, where is it? This calendar year has been devoid of anything Bat-tacular. It’s been a Rat-A-Bat-Bat of blecchh month after month. Maybe you need to have a new arc start up in Detective Comics where the B to the M is actively searching for the reason why he can’t exist in any plots that make readers go ‘Wow’.

 

Bats: I can’t put my finger on it Alfred. All the stories that are written about me suck donkey balls.

 

Alfred: What type of donkey balls Master Bruce? A Catalan Donkey? Maltese? Irish?

 

Bats: That’s just it Alfred. These stories are sucking every single breed of Donkey Sack.

 

Alfred: That’s not possible Master Bruce.

 

Bats: Here, read this –

 

Bats tosses Alfred one of DC’s 2023 Bat Book offerings. Alfred flips through it.

 

Bats: Are you going ‘Wow’ or are you going ‘Hmm’.

 

Alfred: I’m going Egad, Master Bruce.

 

Bats: Exactly. Someone or something, perhaps an existential force, is calibrating all the plots of my books to the suckage of equine sackage.

 

Alfred: How very Hip-Hop of you to say sir, adding an ‘age’ to your verbs and nouns.

 

Bats: Thanks old chum, that Sirius XM subscription you added to the Batmobile was a magnificent idea.

 

Alfred: I’m glad you’ve finally discovered EPMD Master Bruce.

 

Time is running out for Bats to deliver the Bats comic of the year. I saved this comic for today so I could delve into what looks like a Halloweenie type of comic. Not that I care about Halloween at all, it’s just, I dunno, I thought it’d be fun, cut me a break! Jeez. In the corner of my eye I spy Christian Ward’s ‘Batman: City of Madness’ in prestige format which may ultimately be the Bat Book of the year, but I already purchased this one, so…, yeah. It’s kinda like how you set up a date with a chick where you’re thinking ‘Ah, she’s cool, this could be fun’ and then you match with a smoking hot Yoga teacher who loves making smoothies and practicing reiki in the nude. 

 

You’ll go out with the ‘cool this could be fun chick’ but all you’ll be thinking about is the Yogi Babe Hoagie, such is life.

 

So for the cool, this could be fun chick, well, there are issues. First, I appreciate the amount of pages I’m getting that are completely ad-free but methinks 7 bux is a bit much. I’m getting Ward’s prestige Bat book for the same price, I think you need to knock off a few bucks here. Secondly, this may sound ridiculous, but I can’t stop thinking about the Writer/Author’s last name, Grampa. He’s Brazilian, I get that, but I immediately went to ‘Wait, are there, like, Grampas and Grannies and Aunties for last names in Brazil?’. If Mr. Grampa married someone with the last name of Granny could he then hyphenate it to Grampa-Granny and then would my head explode or just short out for a couple of minutes.

 

DC created an animated trailer for this book that Gramps put on his insta page:

 

Gargoyle Trailer

 

Their tagline is ‘When you chase your own Shadow, it leads you into the Abyss’

 

Maybe it should be ‘When you buy $3.99 books from DC, it leads you into eBay to see how much you can sell a comic that you don’t want anymore’.

 

I mean, this book is a bit confusing and slightly off. I saw that there was a lot of gripes about Gramps and his artistic style. I happen to dig it, it’s very stylized for sure. Only thing is it’s heavy on the eyes, meaning it kinda takes you a moment to take in the panels if that makes any sense; the linework is a bit busy with the detailing and caricature approach to some of the characters. It’s really cool in some instances and somewhat muddy in others; sounds exactly what dating a ‘She’s cool this could be fun’ babe would be like.

 

My main complaint is that I really don’t know what time period or universe this book exists in. By the look of Bats, it seems like they’re going for the first appearance in Detective Comics look with the slanted eye slots and curved pointier ears. But then we get panels where people are on the subway looking at their phones and then a scene with a news reporter whose online video just went viral with a hashtag. Huh? Is this the 30s or present day? The feel of it gives me the sense that it’s old school yet clearly that’s not the case but the cops are reacting like Batman just appeared on the scene. Bats is also tinkering with what seems to be his first ever Batmobile so it’s 2023 and Batman just started do his Bat thing in a world that looks old-timey. Oy vey.

 

Next, the villain, I’m not sure what to make of him, you see him, wince and go ‘Umm, what?’ It looks like something straight out of a high school/art school sketchbook. It’s doodle-ish and does not feel like he’s based in a grounded reality in relationship to the world that Gramps has created. Look at him:

 

 

So that’s tears streaming out of his eyes, he’s almost always crying or has tears just pouring out his eye ducts like he’s Daniel Kaluuya in ‘Get Out’.

 

 

 

But this dude isn’t heaving or hunching over or making any facial expressions that would indicate that he’s deeply upset; so he’s clearly not Jewish. This dude is fighting with tears just flowing out of his eyes, c’mon Grampy, feels contrived. Bats is on the tail of some serial killer that’s murdering dudes in a weird way and the whole ‘Detective Procedural’ aspect of this book actually works quite well and progresses nicely. Maybe Law & Order should hire Grampa.

 

So upon further investigation this guy's name is Crytoon, he is the Gargoyle of Gotham [crickets] umm, deep sigh, face plant, brow furrowing. Admit it, the first thing you thought of when you saw that name was wonder if there was a 'Who Framed Roger Rabbit' sequel coming out since this guy sounds like someone straight from Toonland.

Look, if you’ve got a serial killer villain who’s weeping all the time maybe you should have him on a killing spree of all the dudes who run the dating apps. I mean, I’m constantly weeping inside from having to use them maybe this Weepy Goth dude in the cool Matrix coat could be our hero? You’d find all the CEOs of apps like OKCupid, Tinder, RAYA, Hinge murdered over the mainframe computers that house the proprietary algorithms. Perhaps affixed to their bodies are little emojis that look like roses, super likes, direct requests and other bullshit that you have to pay up for in order for an AI Insta Chick to see before not responding to your messages.

 

My last gripe of the book is, how many times are we going to see Alfred descending some stairs in the Batcave with a tray and a bowl of soup on it to deliver to Brucey? 

 

 

 

You think Bats is eating soup after flying around Gotham and exerting every ounce of his energy? Homie needs a steak or an arroz con pollo or something hearty. At one point Alfred leaves a piece of cake for Bruce in the Batmobile and I’m immediately like, a loaded breakfast burrito would’ve made more sense. Seriously, we need to see heroes fueling up more. I wanna see Wonder Woman biting into a lamb chop while holding the bone. I wanna see Supes doubles fisting two roasted chickens before taking off.

 

Oy vey ismir. Going out with ‘Could be fun chick’ was kind of a bust. Now, I still may very well grab the next issue based off of the interesting procedural that Granny Grampy Campy has got going on but it’s hanging on by a thread.

 

Alright Christian Ward, you’re up next. I swear though, if I see one fucking bowl of piping hot soup anywhere in your book I’m going to blow a gasket. First Batman Artist to draw Batman devouring a steak in the Batcave should win an Eisner.

 

 

Rating: 7.1

Verdict: Pull hesitantly and cry about it

BATMAN. WHITE KNIGHT: GENERATION JOKER #2 - Review

 

For the record I began reading this comic over a month ago but after I saw the first couple of pages I got so incensed and unruly that I needed to put it down and walk away for a bit. What an absolute fucking debacle the first page was. Are you kidding me? Dude, like, get Murphy back on this, stat! I wanna see Murph throw on some kicks and bust a move over to wherever the hell this Clay McDoobedyboobedy is and knock a sucka out. Knock him out Moiph! I’ve had it! My beloved White Knight now a Pudgy Beige Pawn. For all that is good and holy guacamole in the comic book galaxy can you please wipe away the stankity stank stank that has been smeared on the greatest alternative Bat Universe that has ever been created?

 

Sean, look, clearly this ridiculous attempt to be a White Knight book isn’t your wonderful wife’s fault. I can see it now. You two were tenderly holding each other in bed in the morning chatting about all good things, maybe I should do this, maybe you should do that. You both came up with an idea about a new White Knight story. Murph said ‘I got you Baby’ made a phone call to DC, they were like, ‘Sounds amazing send Katana in!’ She hopped in her whip and coasted over to Burbank, headed upstairs, met with some suits. They were down but then – then, one of them said:

 

Suit: Hey you know who would be great on this? My nephew Clay!

 

Katana: Oh, uh, yeah, he just, umm, Red Hood thing? Uh, I don’t -

 

Suit: Hey, Regina, can you send Clay in here?

 

[Clay walks in, he’s wearing jorts, flip flops, a retro Chewbacca t-shirt one size too short and a red tinted visor]

 

Suit: Clay, Katana has a great idea for a story about Hologaphic Joker’s kids.

 

Clay: Bagga Boogah Bagga Boogah Shmoogah

 

Suit: I know, it’s great, let’s hook you two up and get this story crack-a-lackin'!

 

That’s how an innocent lovely idea birthed from the Egyptian Cotton sheets of Murphy and Collins turned into a rotting turnip of a comic. What did he do? What happened on that first page that sent me in a tailspin?

 

Okay, ready for this, the cliffhanger from the first issue is that Scarface’s kid had the Holographic Joker and his kids surrounded by a bunch of other, I dunno, Actors maybe, with puppets. Here, look:

 

 

Totally a Batman 66 vibe, but, whatever. So the second issue starts and they’ve already escaped the circle! Like they went from being surrounded by psychotic ventriloquists to climbing a ladder! HOW THE FUCK DID THEY GET THERE CLAY MCNUMBNUTS??? Did Katana have a great idea and at the last minute you called the guy you buy your meth from at the printer and told him to delete the panels, just because? Look at this:

 

 

What happened? How did they get from being surrounded by the Mistress of Puppets and some avante garde lower east side actors/puppeteers to climbing a ladder to freedom! This is a joke right? It’s like if James Bond was tied to a table and the buzzsaw was heading for his nuts and the filmmakers then cut to him punching out the baddie with no action sequence of him escaping. It’s like Luke, Han, Chewie and Leia in the trash compactor one moment and then, boom! They’re running down a corridor talking to Alec Guinness’ floating head. Dude!

 

Real quick, I love that there’s like 5 Actors in full black get-ups operating the other puppets. What a casting call that would have been! I would have loved to audition for Creepy Second Rate Villain Accomplice #3. It would’ve been Non Union but you would’ve gotten: Free Meals, Uber reimbursed, IMDB credit, Free black spandex onesie.

 

So the Kids escape, send HoloJoke back into a hard drive and then are beset upon by the Joker’s gang in a cemetery where his tombstone rests. Clay really did that? Yes he did. It’s a Gang in a cemetery! Oh fer goodness sake. We have veered off into total Scooby Doo vibes. Yes. That is exactly what the Jokers Motorcycle Gang would be doing. They’d drive their motorcycles into a cemetery and just hang out there for no reason whatsoever. They wouldn’t be robbing anything or doing flash mobs or selling fentanyl at Coney Island on the cheap, of course not. One bald headed insane clown posse looking nitwit would say:

 

‘Hey, why don’t we take our cycles to the cemetery and weave between the headstones and just sit there with no booze or drugs until Fred, Velma, Daphne and Shaggy show up.’

 

Who is this Clay MickShaNaNaDammaLammaDingleberryDong anyway? His Twatter/X bio says he’s a “barstool intellectual w/a masters degree in small talk”. I’ll pay $20 for any Hacker who can get in there and change it to a masters degree in poor plot development, dumb AF cliffhanger follow ups and owning his McSchnookieDookie nickname. I’ll Venmo you, no questions asked. Here, this is him:

 

Look, Clay, I’m sure you’re actually a wonderful guy and that you love comics, I’m sure you do. But, Dude, you’re killing me. At the back of this issue there’s bit where each writer is asked what inspired this story for them. Katana regales us with a lovely answer of how road trips have been an intricate part of her and Sean’s life, how they’ve bonded and become closer because of them. She then says that she and Sean were watching ‘Onward’ a film about  two brothers who "embark on a magical quest to spend one more day with their late father". Wow, that sounds a lot like what’s going on in this series doesn’t it? The Joker Kids, wanting to know their dad, embark on a trip through his Gotham haunts. Solid AF Premise.

 

What does Clay answer as his inspiration to this series? Guess.

 

Thelma & Louise.

 

 

Yes, that's exactly what I was thinking of as well! The film about a couple of friends who are on the run from the law because one of them shot and killed a guy who was trying to rape one of them is an identical match to a fictional villain's kids wanting to get to know their father in an alternative universe of that fictional villain. I suppose the kiddies and HoloJoker ride their Batmobile off a bridge in Gotham in the final issue, is that what happens? Oy to the Vey.

Welp, I'm down to zero Bat Books on my pull, again. Seems impossible what with 1,532 Bat Titles on the solicits but that's where I've ended up. What the hell is going on with Black Label??? Last year they were pumping out genius book after genius book now it's a slow trickle. Generation Joker doesn't even feel like Black Label at all, it's more like a Walmart label, the kind of thing you'd find in the magazine section there that was made specifically for parents to buy for their kids when they didn't want to splurge on a $50 video game, 'Here, take this cheap comic book instead and I'll get you some chicken nuggets after we check out'.

Gotta go. I'm gonna walk up over to Wilshire Blvd and wait until I see Susan Sarandon and Geena Davis ride by in a convertible so I can toss this in their back seat.

Rating: 3.1

Verdict: Drop

BATMAN, WHITE KNIGHT: GENERATION JOKER #1 - Review

 

We’re back in Spinoff-ville with the White Knight multi-quasi-verse. It was thought that the last issue of ‘Murphy the Great’s’ White Knight run was the last of its kind until we found out in the final pages that it was not. Clearly DC freaked the fuck out realizing that their best Bat Title of the past several years was about to go bye bye so they doubled down and now we’ve got Murph working on White Knighting Double Dubs and the JLA while his pudgy mop topped apprentice and his wife babe drop this ‘Joker’s Kids’ series.

 

Admittedly I was bit nonplussed about the shift to keep going. Emotionally I was geared up for a final/this is it issue of what has been a stellar game changing run of an Alt-Bat-Uni only to find out – it’s not. It was kind of like what happens at the end of summer camp when you’re a kid. You’re saying goodbye to everyone, you’re crying and hugging people you never hugged. Confessions are made, smiles are received from kids who never talked to you or about you except when they were plotting to wrap you up in toilet paper and hang you from the entrance to the swimming pool. So imagine instead of waiting for everyone’s parents to show up to take them back to their regular lives the Camp Counselors went ‘Psyche! We’re going to stay here through September! You don’t have to say goodbye!’ Umm, awkward. I just cried on the shoulder of my D&D pal, not sure I can look him in the eye and roll a twenty sided die around him again.

 

I’m not trying to be a complete dick here but I’m completely bummed that this Clay McShmookle dude is back writing anything at all in this Universe. His White Knight Red Hood two issue thingy was a complete and utter disaster as I detailed here. I just get the vibe that his uncle or dad is a bigwig and knows someone high up in the DC power structure who got this shmo jobs; standard Hollywood stuff, whatever, but if you’re gonna hype up a new return then I dunno, keep McShmookle on a backstory or something. Here’s a question, why wasn’t Murphy’s wife Katana Collins just given full rein to write this book instead of having to work with Kid Nepotism? I’d be psyched about that! Murph lolling in bed with his girl throwing out Joker Kid ideas, sign me up. I did a little digging on Katana Collins, turns out she writes steamy hot BDSM novels. Here’s a vid of the Comic Book Deity himself reading one of her tomes:

 

 

Dude. Umm. In my Paris Hilton voice ‘That’s hawwt’. Why isn’t Katana writing that way for this book or any White Knight book? It’s Black Label right? Put her on a White Knight Cat-Chick book where she and Harley have to find a doofus named Clay, hang him naked upside down and paddle his bum until he commits to the writing program at UCLA.

 

This issue felt like a ‘Batman The Animated Series’ story or almost a Batman ’66 story. It had this level of camp and schmaltz that Murphy’s books did not. I get it, the Joker Kids get to know their Dad as he takes them through the places and memories of his past; decent enough premise. What we end up getting is standard old school 1940s Batman stuff where a villain has somehow funded an entire sting operation in multiple locales to torment the Bat; except here it’s the holographic Joker and his actual offspring. I won’t spoil who it is but it’s a kid of one of the villains that the Joker killed in this Bat Universe.

 

This kid of this villain not only was able to find out or predict the behavior of an encrypted AI belonging to a multi-billionaire but was also able to rent out this ‘Pop Up Revenge Warehouse Area’ for what? A month? In New York/Gotham? The production values are pretty high, there’s all kinds of cues and triggers that Jokey and the Kids go through, wouldn’t there be a stage Manager or several Villain PAs with headsets on milling about behind the scenes? Of course there would be, but there isn’t, because, you know, cheesy Batman 66 type stuff.

 

I would also like to submit my gripe on Batman not being available for this series because he’s busy working on a FBI gig so he could clear a debt that he has with them. Really? You think Bats would ever do an FBI gig? No frikkin’ way! Like, what are they going to have him do? Help run a color revolution/overthrow a duly elected government in the Middle East so we can get all of their oil and precious minerals. Help capture and eventually render useless alternative health practitioners that keep finding cheap natural cures to cancer? Produce half of Hollywood’s movies for a year or two? Also, what's with casting Elektra as the FBI Liaison chick? Has there ever been an FBI agent this drop dead gorgeous? Aren't we in 'Get my hot Latina client on Law & Order SVU or you're not coming to Pentagrams & Red Robe Tuesdays anymore' land?

 

Mirka’s visuals for the book are actually pretty good considering she’s used to doing anthropomorphic piggie and wolfie porn. I think what she might want to consider is her linework when it comes to character’s eyes; they’re all huge. It has this Anime/Manga feel to it rather than the skulking gritty noirish vibe that White Knight is accustomed to. Clearly Clay creamed his pants when he found out that ‘Ms. Piggy’s Got a Wet Poon Blanket’ was going to do the art on this book. You know he’s one of those pervs that has those $500 Anime statues of half naked chicks in skimpy outfits all over his apartment. Like one of these things.

 

 

I dunno man. Six issues of this? Six. Yeesh. I dunno if I can stick around for six of issues of Clay and pseudo Murphy land. I mean, my pull is really low these days and I’ve got every single White Knight issue that’s ever been popped out. Ughh. Six issues. I wish it was a tight 3 like Scott Snyder likes to do. I could definitely do 3. But 6? It’s like going on a mediocre date with the sister of a babe that you really really like. The babe’s name is Alejandra, oof, drool. The sister’s name is Malin or something with Mal in it like Malia or Mallory. I mean, Mallory, she’s cute, but she’s got this pigpen cloud around her. She shuffles along and bites her nails, doesn’t like to laugh. Alejandra? Alejandra shorts out your circuits. She’s the kind of woman you shower extra long for where you actually scrub your entire body down rather than just the Big 3 (crotch, pits, butt). So this series is Malin. You’re telling me I have to date Malin for 6 months until I get a shot at Alejandra again? Oof. Rough. I’ll go on a hike with her for our second date and hmm, farmer’s market thingy for our third date but if I start making whiny Jew noises after our third date I’m cutting her off. 

 

Maybe I just need to get Katana's naughty BDSM novel and read it after I finish each issue in this series but that could lead to a ridiculous habit of reading erotica with my morning coffee. Next thing you know I'll be buying $500 Sexy Batgirl statues at 10am every other day.

Rating: 6.7

Verdict: Pull

 

 

BATMAN: BEYOND THE WHITE KNIGHT #8 - Review

 

Uggh, I’ve been holding off on reading this one since it’s the final White Knight book. I mean, it is DC so they’ll probably bring it back at some point. One underachieving exec at an Editor’s meeting years from now will say ‘Hey, why don’t we do another White Knight story’ and everyone will go bananas for the idea, call the meeting over and jump in piles of cocaine while underage hookers and Drag performers are shipped in from Echo Park for entertainment. But that might not happen until, oh I dunno, December. But for now we have to assume this is the last one for a while and my goodness what a majestic run this has been.

 

Granted, nothing has been as great as that first series but all the subsequent runs have been good enough to stay atop all the other Batman offerings in that timeframe. Make no mistake, this has been the crown jewel of the Batman universe since it’s inception; nothing has come close. So, once I close the cover of this issue and toss it on my ‘yeah I read that pile’ I won’t have any active Bat Books on my pull and I don’t see anything coming down the pike either to change that. Of course DC could release 25 new Bat Titles next week, so ya never know with Bats.

 

I do feel that they missed the boat with this series a bit by not making it into a Prestige Large Sized format. What, Sean Murphy ain’t prestigious enough for you DC? Dude has got accolades! His art is also extremely detail oriented so a larger size would really bring his world to life. I say that because the opening offensive by the Bat Team in this issue gets kinda lost with all the small details in the panels. Honestly, it was a bit confusing to follow what was going on. I knew that shit was being blown up and that the Batmobile turned from speedboat into a car which was cool.

 

I’m waiting for the moment when Batman makes an appearance somehow in the Chicken Devils series where his Batmobile turns into a Bat Food Truck. Waddya think Bats would sell from his Bat Truck? Batties Jamaican Patties? Swing BATter BATter (pancake/crepe truck)? Bats Batty Burgers? You know if campy 1966 Adam West Batman was still doing it to death he’d roll up in a Bat Food Truck for realz.

 

So the opening was a bit all over the place for me. Also, this Gan chick, who I’m not a fan of, is now all of a sudden a former Special Ops Bad Ass from Afghanistan and is shooting arrows like Erroll Flynn in tights? Wasn’t she like a bumbling nitwit when she was being trained by the Red Hood in the mini series of this Universe? I could be wrong but I remember her as being shy and not very agile. The whole Gan Robin thing irks me, not sure why, just feels pushed in by a frothing at the mouth editor to get a diversity point rather than an organic development of the story.

 

What has set Murphy’s Batverse apart from all of the others is the emotional core that he’s found with the relationships of all of his characters. He’s infused love, regret, envy and deep flaws within this cast which has taken us as readers on a real rollercoaster ride. The one thing you learn first about screenwriting or writing of any kind is that ‘Story’ is all about your characters. If you just have a plot and two dimensional mannequins nobody’s gonna give a shit. I mean, they may for a second but then they’ll forget everything about your plot except the explosions and shocks. This is exactly how the dating scene in LA goes, you don’t remember names or job titles just property damage, ego damage and social media ruin; it’s fun out here!

 

Eventually the Bat Team gets their act together, the attack on the Bad Guys is moving along and then we get this moment: Bats, who has been running around without his mask since getting out of jail, puts his cowl back on:

 

 

I mean, cmon, Murph just gets it. If you’re a Bat Fan and you didn’t think or emit some sort of ‘Fuck Yeah’ when you saw this then you’re not a Bat Fan you’re a depressed comic geek and you need to get outside and get some sun, maybe take a break from those Ramen packets for a week or two.

 

As the pages winded down and Bats and the unfrikkinbelievable holographic Jack Napier/Joker character worked their way to their inevitable conclusion I began to feel appreciative and nostalgic for how great this run has been and how there’s nothing like sitting down to a great Bat Story…until…I read the last page…and

 

NO

 

FUKCIN

 

WAY

 

You’re kidding me. You’re continuing the White Knight story??? WHAT? With who? WHAT? Mirka Andolfo is doing a Joker Daughter/Daddy story??? Mirka Andolfo of ‘Unnatural’ fame? The chick who draws Pig Porn??? I mean she’s really good but, my goodness, her anthropomorphic books are seriously naughty. Like, I had to stop myself and think for a second as I bought a variant cover from her Unnatural Series which was a cover of her main pig character on the cover half nekkid with her big pig tits and pig ass hanging out.

 

 

 

‘Umm is this Kosher?’ I could feel Rabbi Shapiro from my Bar Mitzvah days looking over my shoulder, glaring at me with his scraggly nose and beady eyes, sorry Rebbe, I’d never date Pig Babe but, I mean, I might like her on a dating app but no way she’d like me back. I’d need a bunch of tats, a drug habit and a complete lack of empathy; probably a few guns in my night stand too.

 

Ha, and now they got Murph taking on Supes and Double Dub Babe in a Whitey Knighty Knight way as well??? And JLA? Wow. They couldn’t even wait a few months. I bet Murphy was picking up his last check from DC and they called him into their Bigwig Editor’s meeting. He walked in and they all had these big grins on their faces. Unbeknownst to Murph all the editors were scratching each other’s eyes out before he walked in because all the Bat Books they currently had on the stands sucked, and the crown jewel of their Alt Uni was about to walk and start his Zorro Book.

 

DC: Seanie Love, have a seat.

 

Murph: Hey guys, yeah, I gotta go, Zorro beckons. Thanks for the opportunity, had a blast.

 

Murphy turns to go

 

DC: Superman and Wonder Woman! Anything you want! Draw Plastic Man! Mr Mxyzptlk! They’re all yours! White Knight them all!

 

Murph: Wait, what? You want me –

 

DC: (bawling on their knees) Please don’t go, please, we – we’re nothing, we –

 

Murph: But I can’t right now, I have a Zorro -

 

DC: It’s okay we got Mirka doing the next one, Joker’s Daughter and Jack –

 

Murph: The Naughty Pig Chick? Is drawing Joker?

 

DC: Her contract clearly stipulates no Pig Tits, we swear.

 

Murph: Okay. Hmm. Chippy Z’s Batman run sucks saggy donkey scrotum. Say it.

 

DC: What?

 

Murph: Chippy Z’s Batman run sucks saggy donkey scrotum. Say it.

 

DC: Zdarsky? Well, the numbers are down but he’s doing a swell –

 

Murph: Chippy Z’s Batman run sucks saggy donkey scrotum. Say it or I walk.

 

DC: -

 

The editors huddle over the pile of coke in the middle of their boardroom table, they snort and bicker for several moments.

 

DC: Chippy Z’s Batman run sucks saggy donkey scrotum.

 

Murph: Louder.

 

DC: Chippy Z’s Batman run sucks saggy donkey scrotum.

 

Murph: Wonder Woman here I come. No pun intended.

 

The DC Editors erupt in jubilant cheers as they all swiftly make a conference call to their fave escort service in Echo Park

 

DC: WE WANT ALL DEM VEGAN TAT HOES! Murph’s doing Supe & Dub!

 

Well, I guess I’m happy. I mean, that White Knight JLA Verse is going to be amazing. I guess I feel a little cheated. It’s like it’s the last day of Jew kid summer camp and you’re weepy and hugging all your tiny Jew friends that you’ll probably never see again and all of sudden the Camp Director goes ‘Psych! We’re adding another month! Schools across the country aren’t starting until October this year!’ It’s cool, but weird, ya know.

 

Whatever happens, let’s just be clear, this was a genius alt Bat Verse and if he can do to JLA what he did to Bats we may need him to take over DC…and yes Chippy Z’s Bat run does suck on animal genitalia. Hey Andolfo, don’t get any ideas mmkay?

 

Rating: 9.2

Verdict: 60% chance a naughty pig babe makes it into Mirka’s run.