I’ve read hundreds upon hundreds of Batman books. However, if I showed up to the holy gates of Comic Con and they were about to let me in but only if I explained all the back stories of all the Robins in the Bat Universe…I would fail miserably. I can’t keep up with them or who they’ve become or been. Why should I? Sidekicks are sidekicks for a reason. French Fries. Asparagus. Your mistress. They’re all on the side. You put them front and center then you got issues.
Okay there’s Dick and then this Jason dude. I know nothing about this Jason guy. And Damien? He’s the Bat kid but who’s his mommy? Catwoman? Which one? The Michelle Pfeiffer one I hope. Or is it Kim Bassinger? Did she move on to Bats after Prince and pop out a Bat Kid on the down low before hooking up with Alec Baldwin? Nightwing is…Dick? What’s the name of the Robin chick in the Dark Knight Returns? Chloe? Veronica? Emma? I don’t know!
Well now we get a Jason Todd story in the impeccable White Knight Universe. My goodness Sean Murphy you are a God. From Tokyo Ghost to Punk Rock Jesus to the buhrillliant White Knight series you are a true gem. So Murph makes Jay Tee the original Robin in this Universe. Fine, whatever, I don’t care. Make him Aquaman or Lois Lane, just keep feeding me White Knight stuff. Well the busy guys in the False Advertising department pulled a fast one. See they got me buying this two issue series based on the covers being drawn by King Murph but when you crack these puppies open? W. T. F.
So it’s written by this Clay dude and let me tell you, it looks like a kiddie comic. Like, my comic book shop sells kiddie comics on a rack near the register for a buck each. Nice right? Kids can come in and get into comics really inexpensively. Well, they should drop this Red Riding Hoodie book right in there with them. It looks like Batman the Animated Series. It’s like a step up from anime. I almost expected that whooshing graphic that all anime films have. It’s cornballaroonski. What hast thou done DC?
And who the hell is this ridiculous villain??? Shriek??? Why not just make him Screech and bring back our beloved Saved by the Bell character but with advanced audio tech. Some homie from the Bronx in a fancy pad has Tesla Sound Cannon tech and wants to, I dunno, assault people in a club with it? Have you been to a club recently Clay? The trash mumbly music from hell is ALREADY doing that. This Shrieky dude is probably doing the community a favor. How did we go from Bat perfection into amateur hour? What goofus doofus decided this two issue series was a good idea? Was Murph on board? No way. I can’t believe this Comic Book Bad Ass knew anything about it. He was probably ambushed.
I can see Sean Murphy walking into DC offices and being grabbed and tossed into an office as the door slams behind him.
DC: We're doing a Red Hood/White Knight and you’re gonna fucking like it.
Sean: I'm gonna huh? Who?
DC: Red Hood it's Jason, Robin remember? You agreed when we got you sloshed on sake at Sushi last month.
Sean: I can't keep up with Robin I delegated that to my -
DC: We need an Asian Robin chick.
Sean: Look guys, I'm on a deadline -
DC: Chad's doing it. This is Chad. He’s made his offering to Ba'al
and is grooming three Haitians over the weekend for Corporate's retreat in October. Chad is a plus.
Sean: Umm, okay, plus what?
DC: In the LGBT masthead, he's a plus. Oh, and you're doing the fucking covers.
Sean: Fine, wait Asian Robin?
DC: Chick! Asian Robin Chick. Big subplot in issue 5.
Chad: Can I sit on Sean's head to absorb some of his genius.
DC: We'd be upset if you didn't.
Look what I found! Sean (a real mensch) the Genius behind the White Knight and this frikkin schmuckeroonskl Clay:
Look at him. Look at that schlub! Hipster nitwit! Notice anything here in this video? I’ll wait. Yup. There’s only one person with a microphone on the chairs…it’s Sean! The guy you want to talk to. Look, he has to stick the mic in front of Grizzly Madams to give him a voice. CLEARLY Sean was all by his onesies about to get the interview and Boom! This Seth Rogen idolater is dropped right in by the DC Bigwigs. Clay. Clay’s in. Look at the interviewer, he’s mad nervous. There’s probably suits surrounding them giving them the stink eye.
Clay, you and your Jaws 2 T shirt, you think you’re soooo cute and hip don’t you? Look here you ‘beyond meat’ eating Bernie voting he/babymomma/they yutz, you stay the hell away from my Sean Murphy and my Black Label. Only you could find a way to put the mush on a near perfect imprint. They could no wrong! They were unblemished til you and your kiddy Bats and Asian Serena showed up. Yeah, he called her an Asian Serena in the interview! That’s what I was missing! Who knew! I was sitting there dreaming about White Knight #5 coming out with Batman and the Joker hologram (a geeeneeyus move by Murph) and in my dream my higher self came down on its Bat flying carpet and whispered into my sub conscious ‘You desire a Mongolian Serena created by a queer bear who eats daiya pizzas!’
Uggh. What a waste of 10 bucks. I just pulled both issues and put them aside, saving them for a special moment when I wanted to dive back into White Knight Paradise. It’s put a whole stink on my boiling excitement for the impending release of issue 5 of the greatest alternative Bat universe ever created! Black Label, this is a dark stain on your comic soul. Do not let it happen again. I give you a pass. But if you dare taint this series one more time I’m only a hop skip and five traffic jams away from your 4000 Warner Blvd offices in Burbank. Me and security guards get along reaaal nicely, zero issue of me getting past them all and slugging you and Clay with a frozen block of Wagyu ground beef as the Anime Whoosh graphic appears behind me.
Rating: 4.2
Verdict: Drop and donate to the local library.
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