I pulled a piddly 9 comics in June. Nine. Nine times. I
pulled Niiiiine Times. Yes, Rooney’s ‘Nine Times’ from Ferris Bueller is
ringing in my head.
That’s the first time in over 15 years (the two months of global
shutdown notwithstanding) since I’ve been keeping track of my pulls that I went
a month where I pulled in the single digits. I wish the country’s inflation
problem was like my comic pulls; the price of good organic hummus wouldn’t make
me cry anymore. Why just 9? I suppose I’m at the point where I see shit come
down the pike and say to myself ‘Yeah, I ain’t falling for the banana in the
tailpipe again’. I can tell when something that looks good is going to suck. Let
me clarify: I can tell when a comic that looks good is going to suck, a woman…not
so much. I can also tell when a comic that seems like it can be okay is not
worth my dillies.
With The Big Poo releasing drivel, decent books at least 5 or
6 bux a pop, really great prestige books around $9 a pop, and with new drops
almost always being a limited series it’s been easier to give books that I
normally might pull or continue to pull the Heisman. That said, at the halfway
point of 2024 I’ve still pulled a little more than I did at this point last year yet
last year was my lowest annual pull in 15 years as well. I would say it’s been
a better year so far for the quality of comics that have come out versus last
year. Image has kinda sucked but DSTLRY, Titan and Tom King may very well save
the comic book industry if they keep on their current trajectory. Looking
through July and August I don’t see much other than what I’m grabbing now. With
that segue, here’s what I’ve been grabbing:
Christian Ward is not allowed to do any
comics that are not in Prestige format ever again. I have gotten so used to
seeing his amazing art plastered across enormous oversized pages that mushing
it back into a standard comic size would be blasphemy. It seems like the
Industry agrees with me as I feel like all of his recent books have been Super
Sized. As expected, his work on this book is nothing short of absolutely fucking
gorgeous. As for Tynion, I’m not really a huge fan. I know a lot of geeks geek
out on his work and he’s regarded as one of the best by the publishers but he
just doesn’t do it for me. The last two projects of his that I checked out was ‘Nice
House on the Lake’ which started off wonderfully and by the midway point it had
devolved into a wack CW Show inspired piece of poop. Same thing happened with ‘Department
of Truth’. It started off with a bang/slap on the ass and spiraled into a
whimpering fetal position of a book. The premise of Spectregraph is immensely
strong and they’ve set it up perfectly. It remains to be seen if Tynion can
handle maintaining the story arc. We know that Ward is going bring the ruffneck
bizness to the art. Maybe that’ll jolt Tynion into actually finishing what he
started. Otherwise, this is another solid release by DSTLRY which is fast
becoming the Jewel of the Industry for the non Tights & Capes titles. 9.5
This 3 Issue Jock-O-Rama series ended with a
resounding thud and put a stink on the first ever initial release from DSTLRY. Since
this offering they have been slaying the marketplace with their spectacular books
so they haven’t looked back. As I’ve said before these 3 issue Prestige Format
releases that cost a grip are hard for the consumer to navigate through. As
long as the premise and presentation of the initial issue grabs you, you’ll be
on board for Issue 2, where it seems like more often than not that it goes off the
rails; which it did in this series. Then you’re left wondering, well, I’ve
already dropped $16-18 and there’s only one issue left, might as well get it,
maybe it will have a great ending. In this case it didn’t. In this case it
turned into a bumbling disconnected plot of Mommy & Daddy issues, Zombies,
intergalactic politics and general poop on a page dialogue. They’re in a ship.
They’re in a different ship. They want to come back to this ship. Nobody’s on
the ship. We’re running from this ship. The other ship is running from
something else. Now he’s on the ship. Zombies everywhere. Boom Bam. Zombies.
Ships. Space. There, I just saved you $9, no need to get this now. Man,
finishing a Sucky 3 Issue Prestige really punches you in the stomach. Mark
Simpson, AKA Jock, really dropped the ball on this one. Shame. His ‘One Dark
Knight’ was one of the best of 2022 so naturally one would assume he would knock
this out of the park too. Nope. Your $27 be Gone. And Nelson is going Ha Ha to you
like your name was Bart Simpson. 5.6
If someone rushed into my home and said ‘Quick, the
Zombie Apocalypse is here, they’re minutes away and they’re mangling everyone
in their path. You only have time to take your Dog and 3 comic books with you’,
I’d say ‘Well, is that like, 3 comics I’d have to read over and over or could I
keep pulling them?’. They’d say ‘What?’ I’d say, ‘Like, could I keep pulling
the issues so I could continue following the story while I flee the Zombies’
They’d say ‘Well, of course your LCS is being relocated to within a safe enclosed
fortress so they’ll still be able to distribute media to its customers’. I’d
then rush over to my rack and take Conan the Barbarian first without question.
I’d probably take Love Everlasting next and debate whether I should take Helen
of Wyndhorn or fucking Saga. There’d be nothing worse if BKV still took 6 month
hiatuses during a Zombie Apocalypse. Dude. You’re in a barbed wire enclosed
fortress with Fiona, y’all should be pumping out Saga bi-weekly my guy. Anyway,
this Conan comic is the fucking best. 9.8
After I stirred up all this Hullabaloo on LOCG (League of
Comic Geeks) by proclaiming Ultimate Spidey 4 a Boring AF comic since it was
nothing more than a dinner conversation, I had a stink eye prepped for this
issue as the solicit told me it was going to be another one of those Backstory
Bingos that publishers/creators use to deal with Artist hiatuses. I’m okay with
a Backstory Bingo/Tangential Issue or Episode for a secondary character, but
it has to be memorable AF - clearly my feeling of this book requires multiple
AFs. I always use the recent example of the episode in the final season of Ted
Lasso that was dedicated solely to Beard. He leaves Ted and goes on this wild and
wacky adventure throughout London; it was fantastic and in a way I remember
that episode more than I do the others of that season. So it can be done, but
man, you better come wit dat ruffneck bidness if you’re going to do it. Did
Hickman bring a ‘Beard’ issue to the table? Not really. It was a solid and
interesting Backstory Bingo and Hickman’s such a fucking great writer he can
make anything intriguing. Yet at the end of the page count, it’s still a
Backstory Bingo Bonanza that could have been dripped in with subsequent issues
that moved the story forward.
If you ask me, Hickman could have taken the 2
months off that he used for Issue 4 & 5 of this book and, oh, I dunno,
FINISHED THE BLACK MONDAY MURDERS!!! Hicksy! WTF?!?! That book is still hanging
in the ether! Finish that shit! It was amazing! And while you’re at it FINISH
THE DYING AND THE DEAD!!!! WTF is wrong with you??? I feel like a nerdy chick
who just got picked up, banged and dumped by Brian Wood at a Comic Con. Get to
work on those Dammit! Yeesh. Man, Issue 6 of this book better be the Shizzznit
or I’m dropping this like a booger on a plane seat. 6.6
I am really loving this Dubz run. I’ve said it before and
I’ll say it again: Best Dubz run since the New 52 dropped out of the sky and
Azzarello and Chiang absolutely destroyed this book with their combined genius.
I do have a bone to pick here though. So at the end of last issue Dubz heroically
overcomes her captor’s ‘Rope of Lies’ or whatever and is able to slough off her
restraints and reach his neck with her hands. Next thing we see is that she’s in a
prison cell in the dark with no windows. Umm, how did we get here? This is the
same Dubz from a previous issue that was taking on the entire U.S. Army and was
throwing tanks around like I throw doggie toys around my home. This is the same
Dubz who took the blow of half of the Washington Monument being throttled on
top of her, and yet, she couldn’t subdue a bunch of soldiers in a room, nor
escape a guarded cell for months??? She had to eat a rat? Really? Then lost her
mind and befriended another rat?
Of course she ate the male rat and befriended
the female rat who was its mate. I bet the male rat was a bumbling husband who
had a gut and drank beer and had no respect from his rat wife but since she was
so noble and had a heart she found it in herself to love the animal with no
brains cuz that’s what females do when it comes to husbands since all husbands
are Al Bundyesque idiots. You think I wouldn’t pick up on that King? C’mon
dude. I’ll forgive you for the fact that you felt the need for some Steve
McQueen ‘Papillon’ shit but let’s get back to main narrative. From the
cliffhanger I can tell you’re ready to do so, so, bring the ruckus and dat roughneck
Dubz bizness. 7.7
The Next Great book out of Image may have finally dropped
after a long run of mediocrity and mnyeh from the Publisher that once could do
no wrong. With Falling in Love On the Path to Hell Duggan & Co. have concocted a premise so bonkers and yet somehow so
perfect that there’s almost no way you won’t be coming back for seconds.
Sometimes reckless passion executed with acute simplicity is all you need to
deliver something great. When creators go ‘Hey, what if we did this?’ and then
laugh and get wildly excited about it at the same time it provides the breeding
ground for creating a piece that people will never forget it. No need for me to
break down their premise or explain the elements. Just go grab the first issue
of this if you can and remind yourself why you love comic books so much. 9.1
Umm, this Masterpiece issue was kinda crappy and a general eye
roll/flip ahead. Not sure why other than it felt like Bendis was trying to be
too cool with the dialogue and character development. Maybe the premise of this
book was wack from the get go. A billionaire who supposedly murdered a husband
and wife who were thieves that stole from him is now after their kid because,
she’s their kid. I think it’s a commentary on how the super rich are so
narcissistic that whatever they want is justified, even if it means killing a
kid. The kid's assembling a team with an array of cool spy type abilities was
really neato, but maybe this premise needed to stay in the oven for a bit
longer. It feels soft in the middle. Just one issue to go which feels a little
wonky since there seems to be a lot of unresolved shit to tie up after these 5
issues. This was fun for a bit but it’s nowhere near as amazing as ‘Pearl’,
Bendis’ last must read book. Still, give me a Bendis/Maleev half baked premise over
The Big Poo’s $3.99 jam packed advertisements any day of the week. 7.0
Great Comics come and go pretty fast. If you don't stop reading caca Tie-In Events from Marvel and DC you might miss them - Pherris Schmuckler
Is
the Comic Book Industry falling apart? Well, I think you can swap out ‘Comic
Book Industry’ and put almost any business model, institution or political
party before the words ‘falling apart’ and it would be an apt statement for
this past year or two. Yet this year, more than any other, has been in my view
one of the roughest years of comic books that I can remember. It just felt
waaaay off. I mean, I hear how LCS retailers are constantly complaining about the publishers. I see how
stores are closing all over the country. I hear the Comic Book Pundits (am I
one? Mmm, not really) decrying the ills and missteps of the industry itself.
Fans seem to whining and moaning left and right, what the fuck is going on?
Well,
I can only speak from the experience of a dude who has been buying comics for
over 40 years. What I would say is, mmm, it’s not that it’s falling apart it’s
that it’s been reassigned. In other words, comics are means to other ends
especially when you’re talking about the Big Poo (the Big 2). For these
corporate death stars, comics feed into its inordinate amount of IP offerings
that are charted on X & Y Axis graphs and all kinds of business degree
mumbo jumbo bullshit that have basically ruined comic books. Sure, the
independents are going strong. Wait, no, scratch that, Image is still going
strong while other independents thrash and claw for a limited audience with either
rehashed characters or gruesome over the top silly horror/sexy books. Dark Horse got bought out by a gaming company and their titles have also sunk to new lows of blecchh. Even Image,
as wonderful as they are, didn’t knock a lot out of the park this year.
Here’s
the bottom line for me: I bought 150 comic books this year. That’s the lowest
amount of comics I’ve purchased since I started keeping track of it about 15
years ago. Back in the heyday of 2016-2018 I was buying over 300 comics a year.
So what happened? Well, Marvel got bought out by Satan aka Disney and their
comics became all but unreadable.
I seriously root for Disney’s stock to crater
every day with the hopes that, I dunno, they sell Marvel cuz they need the cash
or don’t care anymore? DC? I dunno either, last year was the year of their
amazing run of Black Label titles, this year? Pure poop. I don’t think anyone
knows what the fuck to do or how to do it over in DC and it shows. Their recent
Aqua Turd movie is dead in the water as was most of the garbage they put out
this year. So when you have the Two Pillars of the Industry mired in caca it
fucks things up for everyone else. One would think “oh there’s now a void to
fill because Marvel & DC are churning out titles that look like the pink
goo that they make McNuggets with” but it’s actually the opposite. Hate on them
as much as you want but Marvel & DC are
comic books. If they’re going strong everybody is going strong because that
means butts in the Comic Book shops which means more sales of the independent
offerings.
Here’s
another reason why I bought less books: y’all raised the prices a bit too much.
See, back in the day I could jump on a book for 5-6 issues, grab a mini-series
for 4 issues, try out a series and spend about $15, woop dee doo. Now, every
story arc/mini series is like $25-30, hmm, yeah fuck that! If issue one sucks,
buh to the bye homie. Now I’ll check out the solicits for future issues to see
what’s going on with the plot before I decide to pick something up whereas before I wouldn’t
care, I’d just add it to my pull and read the whole series, because, well, I love
comics. But I’m not trying to spend over $100 a month on comics right now especially since most of them are so disappointing. So
with the quality of books in the toilet and the prices up it makes for a very
nasty combination.
Mark
Millar, who I’m not a big fan of but who I deeply respect as guy who loves
comics, had this to say on what he thinks should be the fix for the industry
I
wouldn’t know if this would work or not but it’s clear to me that something has to change. Somebody has to come in and clean
fucking house at the Big 2 like Javier Milei is doing in Argentina. I need a
Comic Book Geek of the People to go in the same way that Javier did and get rid
of all the Editors and Ideological Fuckwits that have ruined Hero Books.
Yo Marvel and DC Dipshit Editors? AFUERA!
There’s
a guy who makes amazing videos about the Comic Book Industry. I would say he is
the true voice of reason for Comic Book Geeks like myself and it’s clear that
he loves comics as much as anyone. I remember watching a video of his where he
said that the Big 2 were more interested in the Variant Cover market than they
were in actually making good comics. So, that makes a whole lot of sense to me.
People are buying up covers at astronomical prices regardless of what’s inside
so the more you poop out and the more you create artificial scarcity for them
the more shekels you will make. That’s all well and good for your corporate
hooker and blow budget but, yeah, sucks for us. If that is what’s really going
on then we may not see the end of this downturn for a while until they cut back
on these variants. You can check out this dude’s channel here:
Anyway,
as for the ‘Best of the Year’ it was a slog to say the least. Last year I chose
a dozen books that were absolutely amazing along with some honorable mentions. This year? I couldn’t even find 10 titles
that blew me out of the water. Not even 10 for goodness sake. I went over every
week of my pulls and, man, I pulled a lot of stuff that ended up sucking ass. To
be clear, this list isn’t of comics that were good, or decent or really good.
This is a list of Greatness. This is a list of books that after I put them down
I went ‘That was fucking awesome’ If I didn’t feel like that then it’s not on
this list. So yeah, not that many to choose from but these did the trick, here
ya go…
8.Deep Cuts
- A series of stories that travel through the history of Jazz? Sign me the fuck up! Kyle Higgins and Joe Clark along with some bad ass artists deliver some wonderfully poignant and historically accurate tales that span the early decades of Jazz. I really wish this was an ongoing series rather than a standard ‘Six issues and we’re done’ affair. That’s something that would be exciting to dive into every month. I really loved the sheet music that they included in the back matter and the homage to Blue Note. This was Image's Golden Offering of the Year by far. For some reason they dropped three issues and then stopped in July but it looks like they’re picking up again in January.
7.barnstormers
- Dark Horse has been reprinting all of Scott Snyder’s Comixology’s Originals Digital Series into 3 issue Drops for the past year or so. One was atrocious (We Have Demons) one was mediocre (Night of the Ghoul) one was really good (Clear) but this one was downright awesome. I’d say the main reason besides an out of the box story of a death defying pilot and his forbidden love on the run is Tula Lotay’s spectacularly beautiful art that graced each and every panel. Bonnie & Clyde take to the air! What an absolute joy to read. Snyder’s got another one that just started, ‘Canary’ and so far it’s also a great first issue. Go Scott Go!
6.The Avengers: War Across Time
- The best thing Marvisney put out all year by far was a Retro Series. What a fucking blast it was to read a story that hit on all the right notes from the Golden Era of Comics! They dusted off some dude named Paul Levitz who was probably busy noshing on a pastrami sandwich at Katz’s Deli and made him pop out a paean to what made hero books great: bright colors, silliness, goofy and sexy dialogue, gravitas, time machines and buildings and streets that were always being destroyed or spewing lava men. I’ve been saying for years that Marvisney should just publish monthly facsimile issues of their great titles like Spidey & FF & The Avengers on a monthly basis so it could give us the feeling that we’re reading them as if we were living back in the 60s when they first came out. But that would be too much fun, so, that won't work these days.
5.Love Everlasting
- The second arc of what very well might be Tom King’s masterpiece of a series upped the ante and the wow factor on what already was a perfectly executed story of Joan Peterson and the multiple timelines of deadly love that follows and torments her through all of her lives in all of the different eras that she has lived in. Written in the style of a dimestore comic book romance this mind trip of a book just kept getting better and better from issue to issue. It’s one of those rare books that you really get excited about when you see a new issue pop up on the solicits. Elsa Charretier is officially an Art Super Star and I will follow her work wherever she goes. I will also say that so far King's first few issues on Wonder Woman are quite good, the best Dubz story I’ve read in ages! Tom King comin’ wit da ruffneck bidness in the two three boyeee.
4.Batman: City of Madness
- It was a really tough year for my homie Bats. I just could not get into anything that he was in. All the books were just blah or refried plot beans. Sean Murphy ended his beyond brilliant White Knight run on a ‘ehh, that was cool but not great’ note then handed it off to his wonderful wife and a putz who wrote a series about the Joker’s kids which I couldn’t stomach. I suffered month after month begging the Comic Book Universe to deliver me a majestic Bat Book and it finally answered my prayers at the very end of the year with Christian Ward’s eye popping beast of a book. My goodness, give this man an ongoing series for the next five years! In a year of cheap fake meat Bat burger stories this was the Wagyu patty with the Goldleaf Bun story that beat the bejeezus out of them all. Hopefully this is the beginning of a new run of great Black Label titles.
3.Rare Flavours
- The creative team behind one of the best comics of the decade ’The Many Deaths of Laila Starr’ returned with another magical tale that invoked the earthly representation of another Hindu deity. This time around it’s a Raksha or demon that fancies itself as a type of cannibalistic Anthony Bourdain. Each issue just feels like an event as you’re transported away from your life and immersed into a fully realized elevated world of monstrous beauty. I feel like these two had a conversation that went something like 'Should we tell the Demon Bourdain story now or should we wait?' as if they were waiting for the perfect moment to unleash this gem of a story on humanity. Ram V and Filipe Andrade have that uncanny artistic synergy that doesn’t come along very often in comics. Catch them while you can.
2.A Vicious Circle
- Only one issue of this mind blowing three issue series was released this year, over six months after its first issue which was released in December of 2022 but oh what a fucking issue it is. The art in this comic is absolutely astonishing. Lee Bermejo puts on a clinic on how to turn a comic book into art gallery material. I suppose with the amount of assumed work and attention to detail that went into each of the first two issues it’s understandable why it takes them so long to release them. Mattson Tomlin’s exhilarating time jumping story of mortal enemies does more than enough to keep up with Bermejo’s legendary work. A book like this puts publishers and creators on notice. This is how it’s done. This is how you make a statement to the world on why comic books matter. Despite it being limited to only three issues this is a time traveling book for the ages.
1.Conan The Barbarian
- By Crom you did it! You wrested the Conan license away from the evil clutches of Marvisney and showed the entire planet how to make a Hero Book. True, this Cimmerian isn’t like the heroes of neon tights and inter-galactic superpowers but make no mistake, this Barbarian slashed his way through those mangy curs to the top of the heap of the comic book world this year. Oh, what a joy to experience the true unbridled love that the creators of this comic most certainly have for this character and for them to have the courage to present him in all of his glory. In a pathetic world where nitwits, meager mealy mouthed toads and spindly cowards froth at the mouth with their idiotic claims of toxic masculinity, Titan Comics had the balls to say ‘Yeah, fuck that, here’s Conan’.
And yes, it wasn’t just their approach, Jim Zub’s writing and Roberto De La Torre’s art was as perfect a match for Conan as you could ask for. What an absolute triumph. If you’ve never read a Conan story before you could actually pick up the first arc of this book and know exactly what it’s like to read one of the best from the past as it feels just as authentic as any of Robert E. Howard’s offerings. Perhaps this is the future of comic books. Is it possible for a group of hyper excited artists and writers to somehow get the licenses from all of our favorite heroes and start them over for us? Can we join Conan on his pirate ship with Belit and do a hostile takeover of the Hulk, Spidey and Iron Man? Can we have Scott Snyder and Christian Ward storm DC's offices with guns blazing and take Batman from them?
Is this the way? Will there need to be a Comic Book Civil War? Drastic times call for drastic measures. Titan's 'Conan' reminded me how amazing it is to read a heroic tale. Yes, all genres can be found in comics but it's the heroes that really shine the most. It's the heroes that we can't find in our world, lifting buildings, shooting lasers out of their eyes, flying above us, it's these heroes that we find next to the staples of the pages of our favorite childhood titles that inspire us the most. And yes, we're adults and we have jobs and responsibilities now that go beyond these tales. Yet these tales remind us of what can be, not only in the world but within ourselves. They reminds us that life is a magical journey where anything can happen at any moment. The improbable victories over evil that we read in the pages of strong iconic heroes can somehow give us what we need to overcome the obstacles that we face in our lives.
And so as we turn the page on another year I see hope for a return to this glorified experience of reading comics that sit in our hands, not in our computers. I'm not sure how it will happen but I know it's possible.
“There is always a way, if the desire be coupled with courage,” - Conan
I drive a 1979 Camaro. It’s my only vehicle. I used to
own a fancy shmancy Lexus but I got into an accident last summer that
completely totaled the vehicle; the front of it looked like an accordion. It
was a miracle I walked away from the car all but unscathed. My Camaro is my
dream car. There’s a whole story about how I found it ten years ago, which I’ll
save for another day but it was completely non-operational when I got it. The
breaks didn’t work, it didn’t start, it took years until it did. After my
accident I had two options, get a new or used car or, hmm, what if I just get
my Camaro fixed up again? The car market is awful, my credit sucks, why not
drive my dream car full time? So I did just that. It’s been a bumpy ride for
sure. There were many months that the car stalled doing basic turns or by just idling
at a traffic light but recently I had some work done on it; work that I thought
was inconsequential. Well, turns out the work was the fountain of youth because
now it runs like a dream.
When I drive this car, well, I
feel like a man. I feel human. I feel like, yeah, this is what it’s supposed to
feel like when you drive a car. Now, it still needs a lot of work and doesn’t
have a horn or a radio or air conditioning etc. BUT it feels amazing.
It’s also the safest car I’ve ever driven. I mean, this thing is pretty much
Detroit Bad Ass Steel and Iron, it’s a fucking tank. If one of these new cheap
fiberglass cars rams into me I might get a dent but their plastic microchipped
car is going to fall apart. The cars on the road now are computers on wheels that
do everything for you. Press a button and off you go. The EVs are even more
ridiculous. First of all, the notion that you’re saving the planet with them is
a complete scam, and, it feels like you’re driving a Roomba with a radio and
four seats. You can have them. Give me a pair of keys that I have to stick in
an ignition to start my car, where the engine hums like a gentle giant. That’s
a car.
I say all this because it feels
like humans are moving in two different directions right now. Some are diving
headfirst into technology: AR, VR, AI, the whole megillah. Their lives are
governed by devices from morning until night, if they can even differentiate
between that anymore. Then there’s the rest of humanity who are retreating away
from the Machine and returning to a simpler way of life. They’re buying vinyl
records, gardening, getting a landline again, finding their way back to nature
and the way things used to be.
I say all of this in a
comic book review because, well, I think we’ve lost our way when it comes to
our comic book heroes. They’ve become hollow digital automatons in stories that
veer far far away from the essence of who these characters were. Sure
there’s good stories out there, every now and then. But the Big 2 in general
have become the Big Poo. I can’t put my finger on exactly why, but their comics
have become all but unreadable. They feel cheap. They feel like they’re trying
to do to much. They feel like they’re just a cog in a machine. The art feels
computerized. The stories feel like they’ve been pumped out by an algorithm.
There’s something deeply unsatisfying when you finish a series; it feels like
you just got taken advantage of. Like you open a comic book and there’s some
invisible claw that grabs your junk. I mean, if the publisher was called ‘Grab
Your Junk Comics’ okay, fine, I’m asking for it, but a regular old Moon Knight
or Batman or Spidey or Hulk shouldn’t make you feel like you just got roofied.
Maybe the MeToo movement is going to be replaced by the Big Poo movement. A
harsh reaction to DC and Marvisney violated out comic book private parts.
I say all of this in a
Conan review because, well, this book had hope. They dropped several pages of
the prelude of this comic in a Free Comic Book Day book and it looked and felt
unbelievable. It looked and felt like what a Conan comic should look like. It
was like an Organic, Non-GMO, locally sourced comic free of fillers and micro
chips. The hearts of Conan fans and possibly comic book purists must have
skipped a beat upon laying eyes on the pages in the FCBD release. It was not
hurdling towards some ridiculous reimagining of the character, it was not tied
into an upcoming plus network’s TV line-up, it did not have the stank of an
unimaginative suit sitting in an office with their minions supping at their
anus for paychecks and validation. No, this felt real.
That being said, it took me
forever to get to it! I know, the second issue is already out! What took me so
long! Look, I was nervous! This comic had to be amazing. It had no margin
for error, it could not disappoint. It felt like the fate of the comic book
universe hinged upon its pages. The Conan license was snatched from the evil
clutches of Marvisney by a small independent publisher who vowed to honor the
character in a way that harkened back to its origins. Who knew what Titan
Publishing had to do to get this out of Marvisney’s clutches? Did they have to
venture with torches and machetes in hand to the catacombs under Disney Land?
Did they have to confront a naked and frothing at the mouth Bob Iger and C.B.
Cebulski in their fetish gear and riding crops? Did they tie the both of them
in their Thor and Darth Vader sex swings and force to them to sign over the
rights to Conan??? I bet. I bet it was even worse than what I just described.
So this comic had to deliver the
goods. Because if it didn’t then it was all for naught. So this comic sat next
to me for weeks. I anxiously wringed my hands and whined every time I laid eyes
on it. If this was a dud what did I have to look forward to? Another mind
boggling Monstress comic??? Ooh look, a new Black Label Batman book, some
Gargoyle thing that was getting lambasted by reviewers. Awesome, can’t wait to
be let down by that. Ooh, a new Daredevil #1 for the 85th time in the past 5
years. A new #1 with a seven fucking dollar price tag! Yeah, I’m sure that’s
going to over deliver and wow me, right? A new Wonder Woman came out this week,
I’m weeping just thinking about opening it. Sure, Tom King is literally
murdering it on ‘Love Everlasting’ one of the best of the year, but, I dunno,
he goes to work for DC and they somehow render his books into mush. It’s like
they want his comics at DC to give you migraines; they must have a Big Pharma
clause wrapped up in his contract.
Oh Conan, please be amazing. Please make me love you.
Please make me remember what it’s like to actually read a great ‘Hero’ comic
book again. It’s been too long. I feel like I’ve treated this Conan comic the
way I treat a girl that I match with who is way out of my league. Like, I wait
forever to actually message her, because the message has to be perfect. It has
to be perfect so that when she doesn’t respond and unmatches with me I know
that I gave her the best message she’s ever had. Yeah, my dating life is
pathetic, but this comic, this comic messaged me back. This comic made me fall
back in love with comics again.
It was so wonderful that I have to show you exactly what
I’m talking about in an unprecedented personal video that I’m making
exclusively for this blog. Something I’ve never done before. Here is the link:
As for the story? They've got the makings of an amazing Conan adventure. I will say the 'Zombie' element that they've introduced feels a bit mnyeh. Like, they could have saved the Zombie story for a second or third arc but I trust this creative team to knock it out of the park and turn it into something special.
A Bitchin' Camaro, a real Conan Comic and Marvisney stock falling by the day. Life is Good.
