I drive a 1979 Camaro. It’s my only vehicle. I used to own a fancy shmancy Lexus but I got into an accident last summer that completely totaled the vehicle; the front of it looked like an accordion. It was a miracle I walked away from the car all but unscathed. My Camaro is my dream car. There’s a whole story about how I found it ten years ago, which I’ll save for another day but it was completely non-operational when I got it. The breaks didn’t work, it didn’t start, it took years until it did. After my accident I had two options, get a new or used car or, hmm, what if I just get my Camaro fixed up again? The car market is awful, my credit sucks, why not drive my dream car full time? So I did just that. It’s been a bumpy ride for sure. There were many months that the car stalled doing basic turns or by just idling at a traffic light but recently I had some work done on it; work that I thought was inconsequential. Well, turns out the work was the fountain of youth because now it runs like a dream.
When I drive this car, well, I feel like a man. I feel human. I feel like, yeah, this is what it’s supposed to feel like when you drive a car. Now, it still needs a lot of work and doesn’t have a horn or a radio or air conditioning etc. BUT it feels amazing. It’s also the safest car I’ve ever driven. I mean, this thing is pretty much Detroit Bad Ass Steel and Iron, it’s a fucking tank. If one of these new cheap fiberglass cars rams into me I might get a dent but their plastic microchipped car is going to fall apart. The cars on the road now are computers on wheels that do everything for you. Press a button and off you go. The EVs are even more ridiculous. First of all, the notion that you’re saving the planet with them is a complete scam, and, it feels like you’re driving a Roomba with a radio and four seats. You can have them. Give me a pair of keys that I have to stick in an ignition to start my car, where the engine hums like a gentle giant. That’s a car.
I say all this because it feels like humans are moving in two different directions right now. Some are diving headfirst into technology: AR, VR, AI, the whole megillah. Their lives are governed by devices from morning until night, if they can even differentiate between that anymore. Then there’s the rest of humanity who are retreating away from the Machine and returning to a simpler way of life. They’re buying vinyl records, gardening, getting a landline again, finding their way back to nature and the way things used to be.
I say all of this in a comic book review because, well, I think we’ve lost our way when it comes to our comic book heroes. They’ve become hollow digital automatons in stories that veer far far away from the essence of who these characters were. Sure there’s good stories out there, every now and then. But the Big 2 in general have become the Big Poo. I can’t put my finger on exactly why, but their comics have become all but unreadable. They feel cheap. They feel like they’re trying to do to much. They feel like they’re just a cog in a machine. The art feels computerized. The stories feel like they’ve been pumped out by an algorithm. There’s something deeply unsatisfying when you finish a series; it feels like you just got taken advantage of. Like you open a comic book and there’s some invisible claw that grabs your junk. I mean, if the publisher was called ‘Grab Your Junk Comics’ okay, fine, I’m asking for it, but a regular old Moon Knight or Batman or Spidey or Hulk shouldn’t make you feel like you just got roofied. Maybe the MeToo movement is going to be replaced by the Big Poo movement. A harsh reaction to DC and Marvisney violated out comic book private parts.
I say all of this in a Conan review because, well, this book had hope. They dropped several pages of the prelude of this comic in a Free Comic Book Day book and it looked and felt unbelievable. It looked and felt like what a Conan comic should look like. It was like an Organic, Non-GMO, locally sourced comic free of fillers and micro chips. The hearts of Conan fans and possibly comic book purists must have skipped a beat upon laying eyes on the pages in the FCBD release. It was not hurdling towards some ridiculous reimagining of the character, it was not tied into an upcoming plus network’s TV line-up, it did not have the stank of an unimaginative suit sitting in an office with their minions supping at their anus for paychecks and validation. No, this felt real.
That being said, it took me forever to get to it! I know, the second issue is already out! What took me so long! Look, I was nervous! This comic had to be amazing. It had no margin for error, it could not disappoint. It felt like the fate of the comic book universe hinged upon its pages. The Conan license was snatched from the evil clutches of Marvisney by a small independent publisher who vowed to honor the character in a way that harkened back to its origins. Who knew what Titan Publishing had to do to get this out of Marvisney’s clutches? Did they have to venture with torches and machetes in hand to the catacombs under Disney Land? Did they have to confront a naked and frothing at the mouth Bob Iger and C.B. Cebulski in their fetish gear and riding crops? Did they tie the both of them in their Thor and Darth Vader sex swings and force to them to sign over the rights to Conan??? I bet. I bet it was even worse than what I just described.
So this comic had to deliver the goods. Because if it didn’t then it was all for naught. So this comic sat next to me for weeks. I anxiously wringed my hands and whined every time I laid eyes on it. If this was a dud what did I have to look forward to? Another mind boggling Monstress comic??? Ooh look, a new Black Label Batman book, some Gargoyle thing that was getting lambasted by reviewers. Awesome, can’t wait to be let down by that. Ooh, a new Daredevil #1 for the 85th time in the past 5 years. A new #1 with a seven fucking dollar price tag! Yeah, I’m sure that’s going to over deliver and wow me, right? A new Wonder Woman came out this week, I’m weeping just thinking about opening it. Sure, Tom King is literally murdering it on ‘Love Everlasting’ one of the best of the year, but, I dunno, he goes to work for DC and they somehow render his books into mush. It’s like they want his comics at DC to give you migraines; they must have a Big Pharma clause wrapped up in his contract.
Oh Conan, please be amazing. Please make me love you. Please make me remember what it’s like to actually read a great ‘Hero’ comic book again. It’s been too long. I feel like I’ve treated this Conan comic the way I treat a girl that I match with who is way out of my league. Like, I wait forever to actually message her, because the message has to be perfect. It has to be perfect so that when she doesn’t respond and unmatches with me I know that I gave her the best message she’s ever had. Yeah, my dating life is pathetic, but this comic, this comic messaged me back. This comic made me fall back in love with comics again.
It was so wonderful that I have to show you exactly what
I’m talking about in an unprecedented personal video that I’m making
exclusively for this blog. Something I’ve never done before. Here is the link:
As for the story? They've got the makings of an amazing Conan adventure. I will say the 'Zombie' element that they've introduced feels a bit mnyeh. Like, they could have saved the Zombie story for a second or third arc but I trust this creative team to knock it out of the park and turn it into something special.
A Bitchin' Camaro, a real Conan Comic and Marvisney stock falling by the day. Life is Good.
Rating: 9.8
Verdict: Pull! Praise Crom!
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