You always want to check in on your ex after you have a break up. You don’t want to actually talk or text with them, you just want to peek around the corner and see how they’re doing now that you’re no longer together. Deep down you probably want to make sure they’re okay, but not too okay. You want to see that they’re a bit sad but not too sad. You don’t want to see them strung out and hookin’ on Hollywood Blvd after your break-up which would clearly be laid at your feet as your fault. Even if you countered and said ‘I always knew she had a bit of dat street ho in her’ it wouldn’t matter, you’d be the asshole.
You also don’t want to see her flying around in a private jet and sipping champagne with some Saudi Prince as they look at their pics from their recent vacay at Sardinia. No, that would suck. She would always talk about starting a fashion line while you were together, but I mean, you don’t want her clothes being modeled on the cat walk at Milan just months after you stopped seeing each other. You don’t want her raking in millions while you’re wondering if she’s ever going to pay you back for when you took care of her new transmission back in the day. I think the actual state of being you want your ex to be in is miserable, numb yet functional; at least for like 6 months.
As many of you who follow this word drop know, I broke up with Daredevil 6 months ago. I couldn’t take it anymore. My final DD headache was reviewed here (link to review). I had enough with this meandering gloop of a story on an island with second rate losers and a WTF Elektra/Daredevil marriage. Oy, the whining and the moaning of everyone in this comic got to be too much even for this seasoned pro on whining and carping. Of course, I couldn’t really stay away. I had to, you know, I had to make sure it still sucked. Like, I couldn’t just let it take off and turn into a Bendis-Maleev type run! I couldn’t have Zdarsky flying around on Kendall Jenner’s jet eating sushi off her navel while sales of this fecuchte book went through the roof! Suffer Zdarsky! Suffer you reductive ninny! You’ve ruined two of my favorite comics! Bats and DD! What’s next??? Oh no you don’t, don’t you even think of driving over to the valley and having lunch with BKV to talk about writing a few ‘special issues’ during Saga’s inevitable break that must be coming like, tomorrow. STAY AWAY FROM BRIAN AND FIONA CHIP!
So, you know, I had to, you know, rifle through some Double D pages when I hit my LCS to grab my books. Yeah, I know, it was quite creepy. I’d show up in a trench coat, cheap sunglasses, a visor (a fedora was way too hot) and some latex gloves. I realize now it was a silly get up since my dog was still with me and I go everywhere with her; clearly it was me.
There I was in the back of the shop, like a pervert in an Adult Video Palace in Times Square in the 80s, glancing left and right to make sure nobody saw me as I snatched a copy of the latest Daredevil and rifled through it’s grimy pages. I might as well have been looking at some smut, like the Tucchus Escapades of some Anal Queen, but no, I was reading Zdarsky porn. I grunted and wheezed, spit bubbles formed and popped in front of my face:
‘What the fuck is Daredevil doing, he’s going to hell? He’s got to go hell? Wait, Elektra killed him? Where’s the fucking? She would obviously fuck him and then kill him! Chip, you’re ruining Elektra! She’s not the Bride in Kill Bill, Chip!!!’
Slowly, slowly the issues got better until there he was, Daredevil in that White Suit, marching into hell to save his friends. It was pretty good. It wasn’t mind blowingly amazing as some made it out to be. It wasn’t a Saudi Prince on a Jet with an International Fashion Line good. It was a Douchebag with a weed habit from Calabasas in an Uber Black with a trending Insta page good.
As I wiped the froth from my mouth with the back of my hand and stuffed Issue #13 back into the comic book rack after it defiled my eyes and soiled my comic book life, I got to thinking:
Hey, wait a minute, this is just like Scott Snyder in ‘Night of the Ghoul’ where that story was an allegory for his discovery on how the industry really worked while writing for Batman. This comic isn’t supposed to be taken literally! This is an allegory for what Chip has had to endure in order to free himself from the clutches of Marvisney! It makes so much sense now. Clearly the Beast is just a representation of the deep dark evil that everyone who works at Marvisney prays to on a daily basis. Look at this fucking thing:
That’s who’s commanding the human dillweeds in Burbank to pump out more Star Wars junk and to run the MCU into the ground until it’s a pile of steaming dung.
So when Daredevil was traveling into hell to free his friends that was Chip! He somehow escaped from the dungeons under Disney Land and found his way to catacombs under Iger’s house where his original creative team was! Him rescuing them and filming the entire episode was the blackmail material that he used to stop this book from being written by AI Chip! It all makes sooo much sense!
You wanna know how I know that the real Chip is back on this book. Look at Foggy, look at how he’s drawn in this issue:
Who does that actually look like to you? It’s Ron DeSantis! Tell me that isn’t a spitting image of Ron DeSancti-fuckin-monious! With red hair! Totally RDS! That’s a classic Zdarksy 'Sex Criminals' move. This is him telling Marco to draw Foggy this way so that those who know the truth can see his victory. DeSchmuckis is symbolic of the fight he had to take to the heart of Disney since DeSchmuckis is also fighting Disney. Chip probably knew that Satan would absolutely haaaaate this, which is why he made Marco draw it.
This issue wasn’t spectacular, but it had soul. You could feel it. Soul, it’s what has been intentionally scrapped from all of Marvisney’s comics, yet Zdarsky somehow put on his Hero Boxer Briefs and scored a victory over the real beast of the Entertainment Industry. There was a whole lotta love poured into the final issue of this DD Zdarsky run. It’s heartwarming to see that he finally got to finish this the way he would have wanted the whole series to go. Beyond the Mega Event, beyond the Island with Loser Characters and Garbage Plot Points, beyond the clutches of true evil.
Clearly, Warner Bros. is still using Chip AI to write the Batman comic. Maybe that’s where he’s going next. Maybe he’s picking Matt Fraction up in the Dumb & Dumber 'Shaggin Wagon'!
Together they’re gonna stop time in the DC Offices and poop on everybody’s desk before smashing the main frame that generates the Chip AI. Maybe they’ll turn on an enormous Spooge Generator while time is stopped in the DC offices and when time starts up again everyone working on the Bat Books will get a facial; aww man, classic Chip & Matt.
I’m sure the new creative team for this title is already undergoing electric shock therapy and sleep deprivation that’s being given to them by a naked and manic Bob Iger in his bunker in the Mojave Desert. Maybe he’ll let them pump out a good issue or two before he turns on the AI for them. Whatever he does, let him, we know that Chip got the best of that son of a bitch and that’s all that matters.
So I am getting back together with Daredevil? Nah. I mean, we knocked boots, fo sho, a little ex comic sex, no doubt. But it’s still being run by a bunch of soulless psychopaths. I’ll take the next first issue out to dinner, make nice nice with it. My goodness, the next #1 issue of this series is 7 fucking dollars! Well, you know what they say, make-up sex is always gonna cost you.
Rating: 8.4
Verdict: Zdarsky triumphs over Evil
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