In my heyday of online dating and yucky apps I figured out something very quickly: It’s a numbers game. You can’t get tripped up, disappointed or invested in anyone’s online profile until you meet up with them. All the back and forth, the emojis, the pics etc. mean jack diddly poo until you’re face to ‘what the hell is that, is that your face?’ with them somewhere out in the wild. So what that means is, as a guy, you have to like a shit ton of profiles with the hopes that one of them will stick. It’s like dispersing your swipe right jizz to the dating app universe, hoping that one of your little squiggly likes impregnates the mind of some unsuspecting rando who can’t wait to waste your time and get your loins all hot and bothered for nothing.
There is a downside to all of this. See, you will eventually match with some sexy fun interesting girls who may or may not meet up with you. You will also match with a whole slew of girls who you probably wouldn’t want anything to do with if you actually saw them out in the wild but, since it’s a numbers game your like squiggles will probably reel a bunch of these girls in. These ‘Mnyeh, they’re okay, nothing wow’ girls will in all likelihood be more apt to meet up since, well, harsh but, they’re probably not getting asked out a lot in the concrete jungle of the real world. Which means you’re going to be getting dates with these girls. Now, in your mind you’re justifying the meet-up with them by thinking ‘Hey, I gotta put myself out there. I have to start putting this “I wanna go on hot dates” dating energy out there so I can actually get those dates into my life; big fucking mistake.
Sure, ya never know, these Mnyeh girls could turn out to be amazing, you might click and actually start seeing one of them. But in all likelihood it’s going to be an absolute disaster. Why? Because when they show up and you find yourself having a big fat zero on your attraction meter with them, the date is going to go downhill really fast. You’re either going to be polite and suffer through it or you’re gonna appear to be disinterested and upset which is only going to make her feel like shit and now you’re an awful inconsiderate douchebag who just wasted a perfectly lovely human being’s time because you’re working an angle/strategy on a computer program on your phone to somehow nab an Insta model. It’s terrible. It’s even more worse because when you do actually meet up with a ‘hot girl’ and they turn out to be an erratic psychopath who downs $15 espresso martinis like they’re water while she texts her ex DJ Boyfriend who has a Weed/Molly empire on the side, you’re going to want to never leave the house again. I experienced all of this back in the Heyday of my Dating App life. I would say now, I’m in the Nay Day of my Dating App Life but at least I have money for groceries which have risen by 50% under China Joe.
As I mentioned in my last review, I had extremely high hopes for Titan Comics ‘Conan the Barbarian’. So much so that I couldn’t bear to actually open it up. I was tortured by the idea that if it sucked my comic book life would be finally ruined after a year of reading garbage from the Big Poo. So what did I do? I played the dating numbers game strategy with my comic pull and yanked this Fire & Ice thingamajig. Willingham, hmm, that Fables dude, never got into Fables thing but al least he’s legit and the art looks Frazetta-ish so, what the hell, how bad could it be? If Conan turns out to be a dud that doesn’t put out I’ll have this wacky book at the ready to fill my barbaric warrior story fetish. Well, Conan was amazing! It was like a scintillating perfect date with a babe that laughed at all your jokes, wore your favorite color and kept telling you about all her favorite dishes that she loves to cook. Your goodnight smooch is to die for but on your way back to your car you see you have a text from the ‘Mnyeh, she’s okay why not’ girl, reminding you that she’s looking forward to seeing you tomorrow night.
That’s what this comic was. My goodness, if you could personify this Fire and Ice comic into a woman it would be a maniacal stripper with a nose ring, two tat sleeves and a flask of absinthe in her spiky purse that has upside down pentagrams all over it.
I think the purpose of this comic was to get you to jerk off all over it. In fact, I think that may be the purpose of all the ‘Dynamite’ books. Maybe the people who established this publisher were getting baked at a bonfire party on the Jersey shore that eventually turned into a circle jerk and somehow the term ‘Dynamite!’ was used when someone actually came. Then they thought, hey why don’t we use that name for our comic books and get every horny comic geek jizzing all over our comics like we just did tonight?
I mean look at their main titles! Their loglines boiled down to the simplest sentences are:
Vampirella - Hey guys, this half naked Vampire chick wants to fuck you.
Bettie Page - Hey guys, this long dead 50s Pin Up model wants to fuck you.
Sheena - Hey guys, this half naked Jungle chick wants to fuck you.
Red Sonya - Hey guys, this half naked red headed Conan type chick wants to fuck you and then kill you because you fucked her.
DYNAMITE!
I mean, this story starts off simple enough. A bearded teacher dude in primitive garb lectures his young students in the jungle about the kingdoms that exist on opposite sides of their land whilst the lithe athletic teen male of the group shows off his climbing prowess. Okay, fine, the art is fantastic, I’m into it. Then, Dynamite! They’re all dead the teen is captured and off we go into Half Naked Chick land!
I'm not sure what happened next, the blonde teen kid is taken to a Witch babe and there's another Elvira lookin' queen babe on her knees and then whoosh, we're off to two bikini babes in a jungle land.
Then the Skin Ads come pouring in one after the other in this order:
It’s like that’s the real story. Ad 1 is saying ‘Take your pud out’. Ad 2 is saying ‘I said take your pud out’. Ad 3 is saying ‘Thanks for taking your pud out, now let me bang you and skewer you’.
I mean, there's these two pages where a pair of bikini babes are in the jungle and, it’s ridiculous. Like, you're not even reading the text bubbles, it's just naughty pose after naughty pose. I’m going to narrate how these pages would be scripted if the Dynamite Cum Comic Pervs wrote this story.
Fire & Ice: Naughty Babes in the Jungle
Honestly, I think Dynamite should sell officially licensed tweezers for their books so you can use the tweezers to turn the pages which would free up your hand to do its Dynamite business. Look, I’m all for sexiness. I’m all for hot and heavy comics with real steamy relationships that stand firmly on a riveting plot. This just feels gratuitous, It feels like they don’t trust their plot enough so they saturate your eyeballs with tits and ass so you’ll forget about it. It’s a shame, I really love the art and I’m sure Bill Dubz can spin a tale, but this crazy Stripper book just feels too goofy for me.
Like, why go through the trouble of banging the book whose mommy and daddy didn’t like her when I can romance a Conan book that clearly grew up in a loving household and never felt the need to get tats to rebel against her parents. Do you like girls with tats? I don’t. Freud says that tattoos are the external representation of internal trauma. I think there’s something to that. Like, you have so much pain inside of you that you have to represent it somehow on your physical body. That, or you just love the constant pain that comes with a needle jabbing you over and over as if it’s making you feel something that you personally aren’t capable of feeling due to your emotions being repressed. Either way, it screams ‘I have issues’ whenever I see a Woman who has a shit ton of tats.
As for this comic, mmm, well, maybe if Image got a hold of this we’d have something interesting, but as it stands I just can’t walk around with my dick in one hand and this comic in the other. My doggie wants to go outside and pee and sunbathe way too often during the day so hanging around on my stoop trying to figure out if I want a Vampire, Jungle Chick or Red Headed Warrior in my fantasy while my junk is hanging out is probably not going to endear me to my neighbors too much.
I mean, I could probably hide behind and nut into the huge potted plant that’s in front of my building while I yell ‘Dynamite!’ but how am I going to feel afterwards? Like, what if my doggie gives me a weird look from her sunbathing spot, what am I supposed to say? Blonde Jungle chicks make me so hot I had to take this comic outside with me? I’m pretty sure that would have to qualify as one of the lowest points of my adult existence. Before you know it there I am, getting a tattoo of a pair of dynamite sticks exploding right on my butt.
Rating: 5.3
Verdict: Keep your Pud in and Drop
