PENTHOUSE #2 - Review

 

Penthouse is baby got back for some more big phat ass stories! First, that is one juicy beefsteak tomato on the cover although, as I’ve stated before, I’m not a fan of the tats. I think Bel Biv Devoe’s iconic song ‘Poison’ should be updated and the lyric changed to: ‘Never trust a Big Butt and a Tattoo Sleeve’.  Generally speaking, the more tats you got the more trauma you’ve endured and the more pain you get off on; at least that’s what Freud basically says about tats. This Blonde on the cover wants nothing to do with you comic geeks out there unless you’re rolling in Crypto Cash and can sweep her away to Tulum with 25k and a mound of coke. That said, nothing wrong with a plump tucchus to start your comic book reading in the morning.

 

The first page of this second installment mentions that their first issue sold 30,000 copies, wow! That sounds like a lot. That also tracks with the approach of selling to horny lonely comic dudes, ‘Hey buy this $10 ‘comic book’ that just happens to have a bunch of naked babes in it.’. Despite the copious amounts of tits and ass, the first issue was pretty fucking awful as far as the stories went. Yet the format was sound and if they could fix the content it had immense potential, so I begrudgingly dropped another 10 spot on this offering. It was like going out on a second date with a brain dead hottie, maybe you’ll get some, maybe her dumb girl antics are just an act and she’s really intelligent and insightful, or maybe she’ll bang the bus boy and the valet in the bathroom while you’re waiting for the chocolate lava cake to arrive.

 

 

 

 

To their credit, Penthouse apologized for their typos and messy first issue and promised even better stories going forward. They even added a fifth story to this issue compared to just four for the previous one. Maybe they just threw this thing together for shits and giggles and were shocked it sold so many issues and now they realize they have a golden goose butt on their face so they’re making sure it’s legit. Anyway, let’s breakdown the parts of this Ass Parade.

 

The Dead All Have the Same Skin – A large chiseled bouncer who is Black but looks white works a club where there’s a gambling room on the second floor and, I think a brothel on the third floor? There’s also a room with drawn curtains for fetish shit on the second? And, umm, plot? Can I get one? I’m not sure what the conflict is here or why I should care about anybody. It was set-up that this dude is Black, but looks white, and – so what? Is that a key part of your story? All I get is, some Bright Skinned Black Dude breaks up a fight and then bangs a ho in the backseat of his car. Whoop de fucking do. This is the last panel of the story:

 

 

 

 

This is what the Editors of Marvisney look like after they get off the phone with whomever is writing their comics for them. They’re literally jizzing over how genius they think their notes and suggestions are despite the fact that their comics are all but unreadable. My goodness, how many more installments of this do I have to bite the palm of my hand through??? Seriously, are these new comics or did they dust them off from years ago and throw them into this anthology? I never read Penthouse, was this how the comics were, these stories are fucking brutal. Oy vey. Not a good start. This was definitely not foreplay, rather a knee to the nuts.

 

 

 I Spit on Your Grave - I vaguely remember what the hell this story was about. Some blonde hunk dude goes to a small town, meets up with some hot young people, they jump in a lake all naked, he bangs the hot girls and then I dunno, I didn’t give a shit so I forgot. Now he’s at the lake, some rich dude shows up, now he’s at a rich party in a tux and he wants to bang the rich girls in the fancy dresses. Everyone leaves and as he’s carrying one of the rich chicks into a house where there’s an after party, she pukes. Maybe it was from drinking too much, maybe it was from realizing she’s in an awful comic anthology that only sold because of a juicy tucchus on the cover. 

 

 

It may seem like I’m oversimplifying the story but honestly, I can’t make heads or tales of what the fucking plot is other than waiting for the blonde hunk to plow some poon chowder. From the looks of it, seems like the creators are all foreign, did this get lost in translation. Maybe it’s a genius piece of literature and some comic geek at Penthouse hopped up on Mountain Dew, cocaine and surrounded by porn is making some awful decisions in deciphering the story.

 

This story should have been renamed I Spit on Your $10 Tucchus Comix.

 

 

Miss October – I still have no idea what the fuck is going on in this story. It looks great, although so many of the characters appear to be too similar so I lose track of who’s who and what the hell they want. Somebody’s murdering Playmates and taking pictures of them after. Seems a bit dark considering Penthouse was the Bunny’s main comp for so many years but whatever. There’s also this hot Blonde rich girl who’s now a Cat Burglar stealing jewelry and fencing it. I don’t know how this connects to the main plot but since there doesn’t seem to be one maybe it doesn’t matter. There’s lots of handwritten notes and cool 60s LA scenery. There’s some nice au natural 60s sex with corsets and the like. It’s basically a glorified Mad Men meets Chinatown kinda vibe. 

 

It’s all very pretty to look at but confusing as hell. I get enough of that walking around La La Land these days. This is just part two of eight? Oy vey. It’s supposedly not coming back until October, maybe by then it’ll – oh who am I kidding, it’ll still be pretty and a head scratcher. Just cancel the remaining 6 installments, admit failure, and move on. Just say Matt Fraction was actually writing this story and we’ll forget it ever began.

 

 

The Dream – Another WTF is going on/why am I reading this disjointed plot experience. The Adonis dude who performed sex in a club until a psycho Asian Chick who’s the daughter of a Gangster forced him to leave with her after his Sex Partner/GF was kicked in the ribs and left in the street, is back from the first installment, whoopee! We start with the GF and her broken ribs who’s sitting outside topless with bandages under her boobs. I suppose topless sunbathing helps your ribs heal faster. Given how this story is going I assume she’ll burn her butt in this installment and we’ll see her with her ass out and a bandage around her waist in the next issue.

 

The Adonis Dude is now auditioning for a film for a creepy director with an eyepatch. I’ve been in the entertainment business for over 40 years and I have yet to meet anybody who wears an eyepatch. They’re called sunglasses. That’s what they wear. Sun-fucking-glasses. He then is told to sit on a couch in front a large painting to read his lines. The painting is of a bunch of demons having an orgy with a bunch of naked chicks. Now, I've been on my share of auditions in my life. I gotta say, no matter how young, stupid or naive I was if some creepy dude in an eye patch gave me a script and told me to sit in front of a painting of a demon orgy I'm pretty sure I'd ask where bathroom was and then sprint to my car. Oh, and when this Adonis loser reads his lines the painting comes to life. Why? I have no fucking idea. I also have no fucking idea if Penthouse honors refunds. It gets worse.

The Creepy Eye Patch drives over to the Topless Broken Ribs chick to give her a car for her troubles. Then, he takes the keys back, says hold up, goes and finds a guy named 'Jack the Rat' (I am not making this up) hits and kills him with the car then returns to Broken Ribs Babe with a busted bumper and blood on it and says 'Here, now you can have it'. Given the absurdity of this scene I'm surprised she didn't ask if the insurance was with Geico cuz she likes little talking lizards up her butt. 

 

 

 

 

This nonsense installment ends with the Adonis going back to film a scene with Herr Eye Patch and is introduced to a short haired pale skinned goth chick with tats all over her called 'The Strange'. Maybe if she was dressed like a Naughty Dr. Strange with an 'Eye of Cumonahoho' shaped like a poon it would have saved this story or at least made for an interesting cooch-hanger.

I think they need to add these Penthouse Comixx to Writing Program Curriculum so students can be presented with what exactly not to do if you're interested in crafting an engaging story.

 

 

Gun Crazy - Finally they ended the barrage of word death with what I considered one of the most ridiculous fucking premises in the history of premises. I'm still beside myself as to how they came up with this one. So, two Lesbian Lovers, who are not white at all, who meet in the army, decide that they're going to disguise themselves in make-up so that they look white. Then, they're going to strip for the drek of society, who obviously must be in Biker Bars. As they strip their make-up will fade and then what that happens they're going to take out their guns and murder everyone in the bar.

 

 

Here's an idea: Why don't they strip for all the Politicians in DC instead? You're looking for the scum of the earth, well, most of them are there, have at it! It's so banal and reductive it hurt my eyes. Well,  there's zero mention of it or them in this installment, instead we get SuperWhiteMan. A new kind of Racist Superhero dressed in a Ku Klux outfit of some sort who, I dunno, bangs Native American women and then kills them. Oy vey.

Lastly we get a pin-up shoot of some squat, petite Brunette who poses in the dark under a neon sign that says 'Fuck, Marry, Kill'. I'm not sure if that's what you'd do to her if you started dating her or if that's her modus operandi. Yes yes I get that there's a game with the same name yet by the looks of this chick with this type of setting I'm completely freaked out by her and probably won't date another petite brunette for at least, well, okay, I'll date her another one, but, not if she has these psycho eyes. Okay, they all kinda do, okay, well, I'll date her yet ask her explicitly if she's ever murdered anyone, there, see, taking precautions.

It’s apropos that a hot blonde with a beefsteak tomato rumpus would entice me to drop some of my hard earned comic book cashish on this book, those types are usually very good at convincing me to do shit I wouldn’t necessarily do. After reading through these stories I feel yucky. This anthology is like if a hot blonde met me on the street in LA and invited me to a house party. Me, being the goofus and sucker that I can be, probably thought she was interested in me. So I go to the party, I end up having to pay to get in. I meet and talk with 5 different brain dead babes who make zero sense at all and bore me to tears. I find out the blonde has a boyfriend and then I’m stalked by some petite brunette with psycho eyes who forces me to sprint out of the house and evade her in the winding streets of the Hollywood Hills until I get cell reception. Yeesh, what a fucking nightmare. 

 

 

I actually did that once. Some chick at a party in the hills was freaking me out and I had to wander around outside for like 30 minutes until I got reception to call an Uber. After the Uber picked me up I immediately passed her also randomly walking around. Was she also looking for cell reception or was she looking for me to put me in a duffel bag and drag me to Mexico?

 

 

Penthouse, I’m done with your Anthology Disaster. I feel gross, as if I’ve flipped a channel to a hot sensuous sex scene, yet it somehow devolved into a gangbang bukkake fest with a bunch of dudes who look like Klaus Schwab. Now, you did tease the fact that you’ve got a bunch of other projects, that seem more cohesive and interesting, that you’ll be releasing under your imprint. Looks like either some graphic novels, or one-shots, or maybe a monthly, I can’t tell. The subject matter seemed cool. I'm down to give those a shot despite these disasters that cost me $20. It's like I paid for a lapdance and all the Strippers in the club formed a line in front of me and pooted.

 

 

 

Look, the market desperately needs adult, erotic, sexy titles so there is a void that needs filling. Unfortunately, what you’ve filled it with it so far is a floppy dildo made out of the most inane, ridiculous and mind numbing plots known to mankind. Give us some stories that vibrate, characters that tickle our brown eyes and maybe we’ll drop that $10 a month you obviously need to pay psychopathic crazy eyed chicks to do photo-shoots with you.

 

Fuck, Marry, Kill? More like: Read, Fart, Drop.

 

 

RATING: 1.3

VERDICT: Drop and Run