First things first, Greg Capullo is an Art Beast and his lines are just made for Batman. This book looked amazing, what a waste that he was teamed up with someone who forgot how to write a comic book. Maybe Todd should have made a Capullo line of McFarlane Batman Toys instead of writing like a teenager in his Freshman creative writing class. Once again a Publisher is taking something that was the greatest thing ever and putting a stinky cheese smear on it. By that I mean the ‘Court of Owls’ story line which was without question the greatest Batman storyline of the past 15 years. I relished every page of that run and when I realized they were dipping back into that plot well with this ‘One Shot to your Batman Heart’ book I immediately furrowed my brow and thought ‘oh man, they’re gonna poo on my happy memory aren’t they’, and poo they did.
I have never bought a Spawn book; never appealed to me. I don’t know much about him other than him being in Hell looking for his wife’s soul. That’s not really a big deal for me. People are looking for their partners souls all over Los Angeles all the time and they’re not doing it in Mexican Wrestler outfits with long windy capes; well some do, especially at Venice beach on the weekends. It’s not that hard to find someone’s soul either, we have a ‘Soul Tracker’ app out here. It’s kinda like Waze except you put in your significant other’s soul and the app tells you how to get past the security guards at Disney on each particular day. Maybe this Spawn guy needs to do what everyone else in LA does when they lose someone they love and go to Topanga Canyon to find some hippie pyschic medium so he could talk to her. Cmon Spawnie, stop traipsing around Hell and busting into Bob Iger’s sex dungeon, you wanna chat with wifey we got plenty of options here. If that doesn’t work just track down Jay-Z and ask him, he can probably point you in the right direction after he rips off a few mediocre bars of rhymes. Just go ‘That was dope’ and nod your head and you’ll be on your way.
There are so many WTF moments in this book it’s going to be hard to list all of them. First, there’s so many cheesy word pops in the lettering that give such an amateurish feel to the story. The night we turned into MONSTERS. Everything is colored in the crimson color of BLOOD. Which allows Batman to finally FIGHT BACK. You just might KILL THEM. Yeesh. Where’s the Biff Pow Splat of the Batman 66 TV Show. I’m just so DISAPPOINTED. This is the second comic in a row that I’ve read that has SUCKED. Leave my Court of Owls storyline ALONE. Did this really cost as much a Wonder Woman Historia? What a RIP OFF.
The whole Joker scene with his strapped on skin face was totally useless and unnecessary other than giving Capullo free reign to draw his ass off. I don’t know what these dwarfish blue teethy things were at the end of his scene but I’d like to send them to McFarland Toys to gnaw on the staff’s scrotums. At least the Joker wasn’t getting pregnant and puking up his kid like he did in the book that just came out ’The Man Who Stopped Laughing’. Apparently Zatanna cast a spell that caused Jokes to create a kid in his parasite ridden acid bath of a stomach. I’d stop laughing too if some ex-voodoo chick who I sexted on Tinder got me to puke up a Tahini baby. So lemme get this straight you manifested a child in a dude’s stomach? I don’t see the Joker having the best diet in the world to allow for a kid to incubate in his belly cavern of death. I bet he subsists off of cheap Top Ramen and Twizzlers. Yes I said Twizzlers not Red Vines you West Coast psychopaths!!! Red vines taste like fucking CHALK! Chalk I say! A Twizzler is pure strawberry goodness you candy losers!
Anyway, the Court of Owls doesn’t feel as menacing this time around and neither does the Owl Dude. They just look like a bunch of managers at Target who happen to be in suits and have some owl masks on hand. I wouldn’t be surprised if you’ll see Owl Masks on sale in the ‘Home Decor’ section of Target in a few weeks; made by McFarland Toys of course, $49.99 each. There’s a panel where Owl Dude is leaning against the wall and his tush is sticking out and, I dunno, it just made him feel more like a Halloween Costume loser than a guy who could rip your throat out; serious impostor vibes. I can’t really say how the story wrapped up, the ending was a bit muddled and I didn’t really follow the climax. I probably just gave up and looked at the rest of the pretty pictures until I could toss this over my shoulder. The Owl shmucks were all 'We made you we can kill you we'll send you to hell' That's what the people that make those Pop toys yell at each toy they make before they send it to market to be purchased by hobbyists who hate themselves with every purchase they make.
Todd, look, stick to the overpriced toys and leave my Owls alone. Spawn? Here let me help you, I just checked the Soul Tracker app. The guy at the main gate today, Friday, at Disney is named Manny. He likes plant based sausages and those Indian Papadum chips that you can get at Trader Joes. Just hand him those and whisper the words ‘Beelzebub's Balls taste like Molasses’ and he’ll let you in. You’ll probably find your wife in the Animation Department where they’re working on Snow White Privilege the sequel to Snow White. You’re welcome.
Rating: 6.0
Verdict: Well it’s a one shot so I can’t drop it from my pull, so I’m fucked.
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