Where my Groo heads at? You down with the Grizzooo? How can you not be? I’ve been down with the Gee Arr double Ohhh since Epic Comics ’n shit. Since like Mad Magazine side bars n’ shit. I’m on eBay at 4am doing Pacific Comics Groo bids for some shady ass seller in Sarajevo. I probably have more Groo stuff than I have Spidey stuff. Honestly when was the last time any Spiderman stuff was beyond great? 1967? Groo gets the job done all day every day like good toilet paper that doesn’t leave little rolled up balls of paper up your bunghole. The way I see it Groo needs a whole lotta more love in the comic book universe. He’s currently with Dark Horse which is an imprint that has been crapping the bed and the page lately. They give Aragones & Co these 4 issue mini series about 2-3 times a year which is okay but I think they’re underselling him.
If you ask me, Groo needs a new agent. Some total ruddy faced dickwad in an Armani suit who does blow every hour on the hour and goes to private parties in the hills to worship Moloch. Let’s call him Max. I bet Max could get the Groo brand placed everywhere. I wanna see Max send some goombahs named Moose and Rocco to the hipster snowflake Dark Horse offices in Portland where they pummel the legal department to release the Groo license while forcing them to drink coffee with dairy milk and cane sugar. Before they leave, Moose and Rocco makes the editorial staff cry while they eat beef burgers in front of them and wave an American flag.
Once Max gets the Groo license he calls in Sergio and he starts pitching him on the new Groo-pocalypse.
Max: Serge, bubbeleh, come in come in, sit the fuck down. Wow, we’re gonna have to change this ‘Mexican Zoo Tourist Guide’ look you got going on. That doesn’t leave the room; fucking sensitive pussies out there.
Sergio: I like the view.
Max: This? Whatever, I’ve been asking for a window that opens out so I can take a fucking dump without having to go to the shitter. Anyway. Groo. I’m gonna have the kids, gen double x why the fuck z, the gamers, the influencers saying Groo so much it’s gonna be the hashtag of 2023.
Sergio: I do not smoke hash.
Max: Yeah, me neither, gives me the yips and my shit turns blue. I’ve got the socials team already making Groo Memes and -
Sergio: What’s a meme?
Max: Fuck if I know. Pansy Gen Z bullshit. I’m getting Groo every-fucking-where. Groo-Gram. Groo on the View. Groo on Law & Order, which isn’t much, they’d cast your Zoo Tucchus on Law & Order but whatever. Groo on the Masked Singer -
Sergio: He is a mendicant and does not sing.
Max: Yeah neither do any of those washed up celebrities either. I want him on there to meet Ken Jeong who basically owns half of Hollywood now. I’m also getting Groo in that Lord of The Rings Snoozefest on Prime -
Sergio: I’m not sure he -
Max: Yeah, not a good fit but, look, if I get him a co-star I have an excuse to fly to set and hit on that hot Blonde chick. I want her to ride me like a heroic horse following a hobbit into a volcano.
Sergio: I have some ideas for new story -
Max: Yeah don’t worry bout that, my crack team of writers, well, they don’t do really crack, they’re more of a ‘shroom type of crowd, yeah they’re on the feature. I got Michelle Pfeiffer as some Queen Warrior in it. Can’t believe I haven’t banged her after all these years, that’s a bad job outta me. And oh yeah, Chuck Norris is gonna be the dog.
Sergio: Rufferto?
Max: Yeah, but like Gollum stuff where it’s all CGI Green screen whatever the fuck.
Sergio: What about comics?
Max: Yeah I had Sandler interested but I think he’s trying to be some Ted Talk asshole now. Chapelle won’t do it cuz of optics. I mean your Africans look like Africans which, what the fuck do I know, is probably racist. I could probably get Bill Burr on as that Minstrel dude, he’ll take anything.
Sergio: No I mean comic books.
Max: What about them?
Sergio: I write them.
Max: You want me to get you in at Marvel? No can do pal. Disney’s got that whole creative team wrapped around their cock so hard we call them the Pubes. You literally have to lick the frozen prostate of Walt Disney to even get a meeting over there and I heard it tastes like moldy Haggis so no dice.
Best I can do is get the Grooster in a drag show for kindergartners that they do every Saturday in Burbank. Maybe if he wears a full leather body suit with his junk hanging out for a month or two they’ll take a meeting.
Sergio: Groo does not like junk he likes cheese dip.
Max: Cheese Dip huh? That’s what I called this broad I was dating from Torrance. Her poon smelt like rotten Jarlsberg cheese. She thought me dry heaving when I went down on her was me being turned on for some fucking reason.
Sergio: I have idea for -
Max: Why are you still here? [presses intercom] Annie? Get Zoo Tamale here a shave and a haircut and then send him to Zhushzy for a new wardrobe, thanks.
Okay, well, maybe he won’t be a complete obnoxious asshole but you get the idea. We need more Groo! Seriously, I’m not sure why there hasn’t been a Groo movie or a Saturday morning Groo TV Series yet. Why is there little to no Groo merch out there? This character is built for all kinds of stuff to buy that you don’t need:
Groo Nose Slippers. Groo Cheese Dip Fondue Set. Groo Beer Coozys. Groo Drawers where you an put your stuff in the nose pouch!
I hope somebody doesn’t realize this 50 years from now when the Great Sergio may have already left us. All Groo tales will guarantee you a few actual laugh out louds. They will deliver a message and some hidden wisdom and will provide you enough cartooning detail in full page layouts than you can shake a lute at. So what gives? Give this legend some luuvvvv.
The current installment is pure Groo Formulaic Yumminess. Yes, it's the third arc of the series but you can easily jump on right now and not really miss a beat. Just because it's formulaic shouldn't dissuade anyone at all. I mean, you go to the same family run taco place over and over because their tacos never disappoint. You use the same dating profile over and over because the psychos it pulls never disappoints. Feels like comics in general are really intense and apocalyptic these days. Nothing wrong or silly for pulling out a Groo mid-week and taking a break from the 'world hangs in the balance' narrative.
While I was watching the circus that was our congress last week I couldn't help thinking 'We should just tell Groo that there's a fray in the House of Representatives and just let him loose'. A Groo-surrection may be what this country ultimately needs...and an organic cheese dip brand.
Rating: 8.8
Verdict: Pull
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