They say don’t judge a book by its cover. When it comes to content these days we have no other choice. When you’re scrolling through thumbnails of new issues that are coming out every week there’s no way you can figure out what’s what with non-superhero comics other than going off what the cover looks like. Something grabs you? You click. In the world of acting it’s the same way. Casting Directors, well, more like Casting Associates, literally get thousands upon thousands of submissions from agents for projects. For commercials it’s probably more. All they see when they click on the submission tabs are thumbnail pix like they’re opening files on an old iphone that was used during their ‘wild clubbing days of the aughts’. Ooh, look there I am licking the floor with my ass up in the air, pretty sure Fifty Cent’s ‘Birthday’ was playing during this pic; wasn’t it always playing? The Aughts were Fifty’s ‘Birthday’ and Lil Jon’s ‘Yeaahhh’ on a loop mixed with glitter puke, glow sticks and bathroom stall BJs…for most people.
Comic Book Covers are like dating apps, you’re not reading a single word of a profile unless the pic is ‘ohmygoodnesswhothefuckisthat’ hot. So when I saw the cover of Kroma on the endless drawl of comic book covers my eyes popped ‘ohmygoodnesswhatthefuckisthat’. It’s Image, so, you have my attention. It’s eight bux, so you have my attention and my butt sitting on my digital wallet. Is it me or do you notice more and more $5-8 comics and less $4 ones? When did it become okay to just charge pseudo graphic novel prices on a comic all the live long day? Anyway, I have no idea who this Lorenzo guy is and I didn’t look for a preview for the book to peek inside, I just grabbed it; cuz intrigue and instinct is what rules the day in content world these days. I was right to do so.
Okay, so, I have a thing for cute Blonde girls, always have. My first crush in 1st grade, my first kiss, my prom date, my virginity, my last New York girlfriend all Blondes. Interesting that I went raven haired fiery Latina for a fiancé. It didn’t work out. Maybe I should stick to the Blondes? In this comic book a ritual is created where a cute blonde girl has to emerge out of a black egg and sprint away from the rabid masses who aim to pummel her due to her having ‘color’ in her eyes. Wait, they don’t know she has color in her eyes, the main character a boy named Zet notices the eyes during the ritual. She’s dressed in a, I dunno, Lady Gaga/Dark Crystal outfit with a skulls head as a mask when she’s set free before the masses rush off to pummel her. The world imagined here is a world of pale where colors have become the enemy, an evil that could destroy everyone. How this was able to get past the Diversity Screeners is beyond me
‘Umm, where’s the diversity?’
‘It’s an imaginary world without color’
‘Right, so where’s the diversity?’
‘Color is evil, it’s hunted down and destroyed’
‘So there’s diversity in the villain casting?’
‘Not really, I mean, there’s a Lizard thingy’
‘So the Lizard is being played by a Diverse actor/person in Green Screen?’
‘It’s just a lizard’
‘Mmkay, what’s your social media? We’d like to send you some…traffic’
This takes place in a medievalish type world of castles, villages with a Grand Vizier type guy who puts on a Horned Helmet thingamajig when he whips the masses into a frothing at the mouth frenzy over the perceived evil. He kinda looks like the villain in Time Bandits (uhhmayzing movie love love love) I would say this approach is probably being discussed in the boardrooms of all mainstream news outlets these days, “The masses aren’t frenzied enough. They’re not buying our BS. Maybe we should outfit our news anchors in caked on horned helmets?”
So the Horned Dude’s main apprentice is this kid Zet who starts visiting the Blonde Girl in the guarded tower and gets to know her and obviously starts falling for her. I would totally have a crush on this girl, big eyes, mop top hair, loincloth fashion style, sign me up! I’m going to guess that the author also once dated a blonde girl and wanted to lock her up in a guarded tower. Look, I’ve dated and loved my share of Blonde women as I stated at the top but it’s no secret that cute blonde girls are one of the main causes of death on the planet. I would say Cute Blonde Actresses are probably number two in the world in all-cause mortality. Oh, they don’t say it’s because of Blonde Actresses, they say Heart Disease, Cancer, High Blood Pressure etc. Well who the hell do you think were the causes of all of those things, hmmm?
There’s a major ‘Wow did not see that coming’ moment at the very end of the issue that totally took me by surprise; mouth dropped. Dammit, I’m in Lorenzo. How many issues is this? Five? So forty bux to slowly build up to my obsessing over a cute blonde girl in a loin cloth for the next five months? Sounds like a great deal to me! Do yourself and your audience a favor and get some diversity in here? Chasing a blonde girl down as evil is all well and good. Chasing her down with diversity on her heels? Gold. I mean, Silver. I mean, Bronze.
Rating: 8.6
Verdict: Pull
No comments:
Post a Comment