When we last left our Fist me with that Hand Devil Dude and Elektrica Babe they were on their backs in the snow, holding hands after just being proclaimed Man and Wife by Stick, their crotchety pain in the ass martial arts teacher schmuck. Now before I even opened up this issue my question was, did they have a honeymoon? I mean if I just got hitched to a hot Latina in an island in the middle of nowhere and all I had to look forward to was battling an ancient ninja wraith zombie cult I’d like a little nookie just to take the edge off. Not sure where Double D and Nasty Natchios could get that done, place looks awful. Maybe Stick could coach them on how to be buck naked in the snow, build heat and bang but Stick is the last person I’d want as a voyeur for any sexy time ‘You call that grabbing hair and slappin’ ass pretty boy. You slap ass like that when the Hand is around you’ll get your ass handed to you!’ Stick did you just make a jo – 'Shut up dickwad!' Sorry.
My other question is can Elektra cook? I don’t care if this makes me sound old fashioned or what but I want my woman to not only just cook but to be a super bad ass cook. Looks fade, butts will sag but a magical bowl of beans and rice with a perfectly cooked steak is forever. I can’t see Elektra cooking for jack. Like her eggs are probably the worst. She probably burns toast and then tosses your expensive Breville toaster out the window. God forbid you carp and gripe about it you’re asking for a nunchuk landing inches from your nuts. I mean yeah, if you wake up with morning wood she’s probably launching herself naked up in the air, doing several flips and landing perfectly on your long duck dong; so there’s that. Although, she probably likes it too rough for my taste. Like, right hook my jaw while you’re on top of me or just flat out choke me from behind you loser. That’s waaay too much work. I’m not choking anybody for no reason, I need a reason and the threat of getting a heel in face during sex isn’t a motivator other than yeah, I’m busy this week and the next, I’ll text you mmkay.
I mean, look at this main cover. Double D is miserable! He’s officially now in marriage prison and he’s rattling the cage to be let out. And there’s ‘Lektra grabbing onto him from behind begging him to come back to bed. She’s whispering in his ear:
‘Come back to bed Matty poo, I want you to call my Brown Eye ‘Bullseye’ again and I want to you to pound it like Wilson Fisk was staring at you from within it’s empty depths’.
Daredevil doesn’t even look like Daredevil he looks like a Paladin or a Ranger from Dungeons & Dragons. Weren’t the kids that played the Paladins and the Rangers in D&D always the biggest assholes? Like, they were always Chaotic Good or something like that and they always blamed everyone else for your party getting decimated by a gang of weak ass Hobgoblins even though they always rolled a 1 or a 2 in combat.
So I open this Marvisney book up and, wait, this is Dr. Leonard Sampson??? From the Hulk comics? Why does he look like a Green Sasquatch/Grinch Mutant? Then we get all this nonsense that because Double D and Lekky married everyone now has enhanced fighting abilities. Foggy is now flying through the air and kicking like Spiderman. Yeah, I call bullshit. When all your friends get married the only enhanced fighting abilities you get is the ability to find new batteries for your TV remote in a swifter fashion as you stay home every night with a nary a social life to speak of. Wow look at me! When all my friends post pictures of their children within seconds my face is plastered against a window looking out into the night wondering if I’ll ever say hello to a woman again: now that’s a super power! I think I’m going to call myself Captain Spectrum TV Homebody!
Now Hubby and Wifey are plotting to break out a bunch of villain losers from a prison island which I assume is to help the Fist grab the Hand of the Knob. So we get standard prison break silliness and a final shot of Captain America and Stark saying they have to ‘bring Daredevil in’. Great. More tie-in bullshit. Let me guess, I have to now go and read 10 Avengers titles and a pathetically bad Moongirl Devil Girl T Rex book to catch up to what’s going on. Dude. This is FIVE issues of set up. What is this? A three and a half hour foreign coming of age Lesbian movie?
Elektra is cute though. Look at all that hair. How is she managing to keep it so full and have it have that shiny luster in the middle of an island? What brand of Blow Dryer is she using? It’s a Babyliss isn’t it? Red? With a button that fires nunchuks just in case? What a maniac.
You know what else Elektra would also be a maniac about? Social media. God forbid you even like some random insta trashy ho’s vid or even have it come up on your feed. You could neverrrr leave your phone around with Elektra. You have to take it in the shower with you and sleep with it up your asshole to be safe. The crazy thing is, you know Elektra’s gotten drunk and done a Tik Tok dance challenge and killed it. You’ll see it and beg her to do it again and she’ll always deflect and say that was a one shot deal.
But one night she’ll get tipsy when you’re both alone and she’ll grab ‘I Think We’re Alone Now’ by Tiffany off of Spotify and start doing some choreography to it. The problem is, since you two are alone and she’s tipsy and probably horny she’s going to beat the shit out of you as well.
I think we’re alone now [choreography, she then throws one of her Sai’s at you]
Ow! Babe, that’s my eye
There doesn’t seem to be anyone around [choreography, she then fires several Shuriken at you]
Ahhh! Fuck! Lekky! There’s three of these things in my chest! Owww!
I think we’re alone now [Backflip, leg kick to your jaw]
Oof! Honey, I’m sorry I said your rice tasted like sneakers, please –
The beating of our hearts is the only sound [Right cross to head, downward kick on your nuts]
[Whimper]
Bang my Browneye and call it Bullseye!!!
Yes dear, right away, dear.
Hey Chip, this comic is starting to really suck, get things moving or I’m dumping you and this slow crawl of a yawnfest faster than Elektra would dump me for cumming too quickly.
Rating: 6.9
Verdict: Pull on Alert
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