We’re back with the Miracle Shmiracle Gang! Now, at first I
thought this was the big one. The one where Neil takes us off on his ‘this is
what I’m going to do with this story and this is where I’m going to take it’
moment. I did not know this issue had
already been published but with different layouts which they detailed in the backmatter. Again, I am just realizing this is a reprint but this is my first time reading this issue.
The comic is all ‘Dicky is the best woo hoo’ in the beginning and middle. He gets a ticker tape parade in Noo Yawk and a key to the city. He meets the Double M Gang of teens which includes some redhead chick who apparently just wants to fuck everyone. I’m not sure why Redheads aren’t raking Neil across the coals on social media for perpetuating an insulting stereotype that all Redheads are randy and ready to go. I once dated a Redhead. Once. She actually was randy and ready to go until we actually were in bed and ready to go and then said to me ‘There’s so much we can do without doing anything’. I wish I had Camera One pinned on my facial expression after that line, it was probably priceless.
The issue ends with biscuits and tea with MM at the end for a nightly chat. Prior to this chat we've had several intimate moments between Double M and his Miracle Babe Consort Chickadee about having to breach ‘the subject’ with Little M. We don’t know what this subject is but it keeps getting touched upon. Then, finally, after a neither here nor there issue steadily chugging along we get…
GAY SMOOCH??? SERIOUSLY??? Wow! I did not see that coming at all. Look, I have ZERO problems with gay smooches. Gay smooch wherever and with whomever you want anywhere you want, love is love. I was just taken aback that Double M wants Little M’s Little D. I don’t remember there being any electricity between these two, was there? Or is Double M like ‘Hey, I have 5000 kids. I bang who I want. Even a HeroGod wants what he can’t have and me rikey!
I can see Marvel initially balking at wanting to reprint issues of this series. I can see them going, ‘Why should we put out something that has already been done? We neverrrr do that. Let’s just get to the new stuff Neil-ah-roonkski. I can see Neil walking into his pitch to Marvel. He’s not only going to get them to reprint the stuff but he’s going to redo the layouts the way he wants and he's gonna put his stink on it. Neil probably sat down with a smirk and in his elegant accent said:
Miracle Dickie Bang Bang Smoocheroo
Marvel Comic suits heads explode. People come running in from the offices in wonderment, what’s going on in there. Gaiman says it again with even more gusto:
Miracle Dickie Bang Bang Smoocheroo
Even more heads explode! The floor starts shaking. Cracks form in the walls. West Hollywood erupts in a cacophony of orgasmic celebratory wails of delight. Rocco’s on San Vicente fills to gills with socialites and fashionistas dressed like Big M and Little M! Disney Execs board their underground tunnel shuttle that zips up from Anaheim to New York City is 15 minutes flat. By the time they reach Marvel’s Editorial Offices the Execs are all naked and in a state of jubilant exhaustion. On their way up the elevator they stop off in the mailroom and grab two or three male blonde interns, strip them down and drag them into the elevators. When the doors open to the top floor they triumphantly climb onto the intern’s buttocks, strap a harness over them and ride them like a White Horse into what’s left of the Boardroom where Neil is now levitating naked with the MiracleMan logo emblazoned on his chest. Fire shoots out of his eyes. His dong is doing 360 degree circles at an unimaginable speed. His voice thunders:
Miracle Dickie Bang Bang Smoocheroo
Sparks shoot out of the Disney Execs buttholes as they rocket off into the Manhattan night sky riding their naked blonde interns ‘Yee Haw! Ride that Little D Big M! Ride it!
Hey wait a minute. How old is MM? Like, late 30s, 40s? Yeah yeah I get it he’s beyond age and human attributes blah blah but really like how old? And Dicky D? Teens? Hmm. Is this even Kosher? Again, Gay Smooch wherever and with whomever you want…as long as they’re of legal and consenting age. I think that goes without saying for any ‘adult to kid smooch' no? Okay, sure, Dicky D wallops Double M and he goes flying out into the Cosmos but maybe we needed a little text before that ‘Double M, I’m 15’.
Look, was there ever any intimation or even a hint of this moment in previous issues? Like, am I missing something here? I don’t remember any panel or sequence where I remotely thought, ‘oh they’re into each other or Double M is into Double D’. Like, if there was and it was building to this moment I would be completely okay with it but there wasn’t. Were we to have assumed it? How? If this moment was a payoff from countless moments and issues then sure, great, we would have all been like ‘Yes! Finally! Pucker up and Smooch already!’
Wait a minute juuuust wayyyyt a minute here. Take a look at
the cover! So you have Dicky D flying and waving in the parade and behind him
is an enormous Miracle Man balloon that all but envelops
Dicky D in the angle of the shot. The Miracle Balloon has a knowing smile. Looks like Dicky D is perfectly positioned
for the Double M Balloon to have a little Naughty Parade Balloon fun. Come to think of it, maybe YM on Dicky's suit was given to him by MM but while Dicky thinks it means Young MiracleMan maybe MM thinks it means Young Manhole. Ah ha!
Aaaand who’s that waaay behind the Double M Balloon? Why it’s a Miracle Babe-ah-roo Balloon and she’s totally out of the picture. She’s like ‘You go Double M. Git that lil’ Hero Booty’.
Neil you randy devil you. Miracleloon Dickyball Bangershmiracle indeed.
Rating: 8.0
Verdict: Pull and find a Redhead
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