KROMA #1 - Review

 

They say don’t judge a book by its cover. When it comes to content these days we have no other choice. When you’re scrolling through thumbnails of new issues that are coming out every week there’s no way you can figure out what’s what with non-superhero comics other than going off what the cover looks like. Something grabs you? You click. In the world of acting it’s the same way. Casting Directors, well, more like Casting Associates, literally get thousands upon thousands of submissions from agents for projects. For commercials it’s probably more. All they see when they click on the submission tabs are thumbnail pix like they’re opening files on an old iphone that was used during their ‘wild clubbing days of the aughts’. Ooh, look there I am licking the floor with my ass up in the air, pretty sure Fifty Cent’s ‘Birthday’ was playing during this pic; wasn’t it always playing? The Aughts were Fifty’s ‘Birthday’ and Lil Jon’s ‘Yeaahhh’ on a loop mixed with glitter puke, glow sticks and bathroom stall BJs…for most people.

 

Comic Book Covers are like dating apps, you’re not reading a single word of a profile unless the pic is ‘ohmygoodnesswhothefuckisthat’ hot. So when I saw the cover of Kroma on the endless drawl of comic book covers my eyes popped ‘ohmygoodnesswhatthefuckisthat’. It’s Image, so, you have my attention. It’s eight bux, so you have my attention and my butt sitting on my digital wallet. Is it me or do you notice more and more $5-8 comics and less $4 ones? When did it become okay to just charge pseudo graphic novel prices on a comic all the live long day? Anyway, I have no idea who this Lorenzo guy is and I didn’t look for a preview for the book to peek inside, I just grabbed it; cuz intrigue and instinct is what rules the day in content world these days. I was right to do so.

 

Okay, so, I have a thing for cute Blonde girls, always have. My first crush in 1st grade, my first kiss, my prom date, my virginity, my last New York girlfriend all Blondes. Interesting that I went raven haired fiery Latina for a fiancé. It didn’t work out. Maybe I should stick to the Blondes? In this comic book a ritual is created where a cute blonde girl has to emerge out of a black egg and sprint away from the rabid masses who aim to pummel her due to her having ‘color’ in her eyes. Wait, they don’t know she has color in her eyes, the main character a boy named Zet notices the eyes during the ritual. She’s dressed in a, I dunno, Lady Gaga/Dark Crystal outfit with a skulls head as a mask when she’s set free before the masses rush off to pummel her. The world imagined here is a world of pale where colors have become the enemy, an evil that could destroy everyone. How this was able to get past the Diversity Screeners is beyond me

 

‘Umm, where’s the diversity?’

 

‘It’s an imaginary world without color’

 

‘Right, so where’s the diversity?’

 

‘Color is evil, it’s hunted down and destroyed’

 

‘So there’s diversity in the villain casting?’

 

‘Not really, I mean, there’s a Lizard thingy’

 

‘So the Lizard is being played by a Diverse actor/person in Green Screen?’

 

‘It’s just a lizard’

 

‘Mmkay, what’s your social media? We’d like to send you some…traffic’

 

This takes place in a medievalish type world of castles, villages with a Grand Vizier type guy who puts on a Horned Helmet thingamajig when he whips the masses into a frothing at the mouth frenzy over the perceived evil. He kinda looks like the villain in Time Bandits (uhhmayzing movie love love love) I would say this approach is probably being discussed in the boardrooms of all mainstream news outlets these days, “The masses aren’t frenzied enough. They’re not buying our BS. Maybe we should outfit our news anchors in caked on horned helmets?”

 

So the Horned Dude’s main apprentice is this kid Zet who starts visiting the Blonde Girl in the guarded tower and gets to know her and obviously starts falling for her. I would totally have a crush on this girl, big eyes, mop top hair, loincloth fashion style, sign me up! I’m going to guess that the author also once dated a blonde girl and wanted to lock her up in a guarded tower. Look, I’ve dated and loved my share of Blonde women as I stated at the top but it’s no secret that cute blonde girls are one of the main causes of death on the planet. I would say Cute Blonde Actresses are probably number two in the world in all-cause mortality. Oh, they don’t say it’s because of Blonde Actresses, they say Heart Disease, Cancer, High Blood Pressure etc. Well who the hell do you think were the causes of all of those things, hmmm?

 

There’s a major ‘Wow did not see that coming’ moment at the very end of the issue that totally took me by surprise; mouth dropped. Dammit, I’m in Lorenzo. How many issues is this? Five? So forty bux to slowly build up to my obsessing over a cute blonde girl in a loin cloth for the next five months? Sounds like a great deal to me! Do yourself and your audience a favor and get some diversity in here? Chasing a blonde girl down as evil is all well and good. Chasing her down with diversity on her heels? Gold. I mean, Silver. I mean, Bronze.

 

Rating: 8.6

Verdict: Pull

NIGHT OF THE GHOUL #2 - Review

 

When we last left our dad/son team in the old folks home in the middle of nowhere Dad was holed up in a room with a creepy bald gross retiree with a nose missing begging him for film footage while the son was wandering around the spooky facility looking for a wifi signal at which point he comes upon a room of waifish children who appear on their way to be, I dunno, sacrificed or something? This sounds like any ol’ day in Hollywood except replace Dad/Son with Writing Partners.

 

One Writing Partner is always stuck in a room begging for more creative control with an Aging Yuck Mouth Mogul with various body parts missing. The Mogul is always hooked up to an air canister and also babbles on about the staff out to get him. The other Writing Partner is always wandering around the studio looking for a signal. He or she ultimately trips into the ‘bleed out these inept writers and their mind numbing pilot scripts into a trough room’ and wonders if they’re about to join them. Ho hum. Nothing unusual here.

 

My prediction for this comic is that the Dad ends up like General Zod and co from Superman II in a two dimensional square spiraling through space but this time it’ll be a two dimensional piece of film that will be spiraling over the San Fernando valley. I predict the Son will get an internship with creepy Mogul dude and will be editing Marvel Comics in no time. As you can tell, I really wasn’t psyched to get back into this comic. Turns out my hesitancy was dead on, the second issue bottomed out into a ca ca poo poo fest.

 

Where to start? I mean, this comic reminds me of those ‘Weird Tales’ comics from the 60s or 70s that you’d find in a garage sale in a 25 cents cardboard box when you were a kid. They’d be missing covers and half the book was advertising cheap plastic junk. You’d get your parents to buy you a couple because, hey the ride home is long and boring and how bad could the comic be? How about use it for birthday present wrapping bad? The premise of this story is that there’s a film about an ancient ghoul spirit that takes possession of a soldier in a movie and that soldier brings the ghoul back home with him. A film buff loser dad tracks down the director to find the rest of the film only to find out the ghoul is in the facility and there’s going to be a ritual to set it free at night. Apparently the ghoul comes out every couple centuries when “civilization gets too selfish and rot sets in’. 

 

Great. After the Ghoul wipes out the two dimensional characters in this five dollar shite fest maybe it can head over to Los Angeles for me? I’d like it to begin around 8am at the top of the 405 freeway, make it’s way down to the 10 freeway, then head over to the 110 freeway up to the 101 and then back to the 405. If it still has some rot vacuum in it I’d like it to pop over to City Hall in Downtown and just hook up a sinkhole if possible.

 

The final nail in my comic book reading time for the day that this comic perfectly ruined is when the son goes looking for his dad, who ran on foot from the car back to the facility, and of course stumbles into an underground tunnel. After the basic, hello, anyone there stuff he walks into a couple of ridiculous naked old people and the woman has like 9 tits.

 

 

I mean, is this supposed to freak me out? Biden and Pelosi after a bender? I always knew Pelosi had extra pairs of tits under that dress of hers. Is this a doodle? And what’s with the artist putting his insignia in the corner? Actually he does it several times in the issue! Dude, insignias go on covers not interior art. Who okayed this? It’s bad enough I lost complete interest in the story at this point but now I have to wonder if this full page is for sale?

 

Dammit, and there’s only three issues! This is the second time Synder roped me into his three issue gambit:

 

1.     Hook them with a solid premise first issue

2.     Crap the bed the second issue

3.     They’ll either get the third issue because it’s stupid not to finish the story or not, doesn’t matter we already milked them for two issues that shouldn’t have seen the light of day.

 

He did the same thing on the ‘We Have Demons’ three issue blecchathon that dropped recently. It’s actually brilliant. If you’re watching a 90 minute movie and you’re an hour in and it starts sucking really bad are you going to turn it off or just watch it until the end because you’ve already put in an hour? Of course you watch it to the end! It’s just 30 minutes. It’s just one more issue. Fuck. Marketing wins again. I already pulled the last issue. Dammit.

 

I feel hoodwinked and bamboozled. At the very least can Snyder or Francavilla come clean on the circumstances which gave them a clean look at Biden and Pelosi buck naked in a tunnel in D.C.? Now that would be a three issue comic I’d be all over.

 

Rating: 4.1

Verdict: Suck it up get the last issue and hate yourself for it

NINJA FUNK #1 - Review

  

As stated in previous posts, I root for the little guy in Comics. That doesn’t necessarily mean I support the little guy. The Big Boys are gonna take a lot of flak for putting out junk, looking at you Marvisney, but they’re the Big Boys for a reason and they can take the heat and the losses. What I’m dishing out to them isn’t even heat by their standards it’s more like a ‘What’s that weird smell’ when they exit onto Buena Vista street in Burbank. I was actually in Burbank yesterday for a voiceover gig for a Video Game on Buena Vista street just north of Disney. As I passed their main entrance I rolled down the the window of my Old School 79 Camaro and yelled ‘Stop ruining my childhood comic books Satan!’. Satan then whispered in my ear to give She Hulk on Marvisney Plunk a try; gotta give it up to their persistence.

 

At any rate, look, the market is overflowing with new series and creator owned books; a plethora of ‘ooh what’s this’. Books are all on a short leash, it’s three, four, five maybe six issues and then a ‘hold on’ so they can check the numbers before letting the series continue again at a new Number One issue for it’s “second arc”. Publishers are acting like serial daters on Tinder, just throwing mini series out there like they just purchased a couple hundred ‘Super Likes’. If they get a hit, great, if not, there’s another big bootied creative director in West LA who likes Wine Bars and 90s jams juuuuust around the corner…waiting on a line…that stretches all the way to Greyhound depot in Downtown LA; the fresh off the boat babe choo choo.

 

What that means for us as comic geeks is that we have to be picky. We can’t just snatch up every new shiny series with a bajillion variants or our comic book budget would be in the high three digits every month. So, if you want in on our hallowed pull list you better come with the goody good wowza biznasty or you’re getting your wine loving butterfly tat on the ankle ass dropped. We don’t care how big your office is, it’s an even playing field, streaming, all of it, wow us or buh-bye. I say all of this because Ninja Funk is a shiny new series fresh off the boat with a bottle of chardonnay and a Chinese character tat on the back of its neck vying for my attention. It worked…for a second.

 

So remember when you were in High School and there was that kid who sat in the back of the class all the time? He wore a jean jacket and had a bunch of pins and patches on it? He had longish hair, acne, a bizarre odor. He would never pay attention he would just doodle in his notebook all during class. You’d sit by him sometimes and peer over at his notebook and there’d be all these crazy black and white sketches of weird monsters and aliens and girls with big tits straddling dragons and rocket ships. You would think, ‘hey that’s pretty good’. But you wouldn’t think ‘wow I should talk to my buddy at gym class whose Dad works at DC and have stinky metal weirdo submit his notebook to them'. That’s what it feels like happened here. Stinky Metal Weirdo got his notebook to this new imprint called Whatnot and rather than forward him a discount to The Kubert School of Cartooning and Graphic Art they went ‘Dude! Righteous Scribbles! Let’s pop this puppy out there!’

 

You know you’re in a bit of trouble when the synopsis on the solicits starts off the description of the story by extolling the fact that David Mack is doing a Variant Cover for the book. Honestly, that’s what also hooked me, I love David Mack. Every David Mack cover is a work of art and I wish he would get back to making comics again but that’s another story. Here’s the description:

 

A fun, high stakes adventure weaved together with face-melting beats, Ninja Funk follows a ragtag band of misfits as they attempt to save a universe that's off-key.

 

Now that would have been cool, if they released a free track online of that face-melting beat to read along with the comic. That would have been really interesting. As it stands, I have zero idea what’s happening or what’s going in the first few pages. There’s a cat that’s flying around and pooping on everything, which is triggering to me because there’s wild cats all over my neighborhood doing the same thing; not flying but who knows what’s going on at 4am. The art is straight sketch book misfit vibe from 1995 replete with the babe in the futuristic outfit with the perky boobies. The vibe reminded me of this play by Sam Shepard called ‘Tooth of Crime’ but, you know, without the genius of Sam Shepard. I flipped forward a bit and that was that. I just walked out of this comic like walking out of a movie.

 

I just checked the solicits and there are a ton of new shiny butterfly tat exciting titles coming out next week: there’s a new Kindt, a Bermejo oversized prestige edition, a new fangled Iron Man from Marvisney that I will take a deep breath and take a peek at. So NinjaCatPoop ain’t gonna make it. Ninjafunk sounds like the name of an email address you would get from somebody in the 90s. Like ninjafunk@hotmail or even worse at earthlink.

 

You got a friend request from NinjafunkCatPoop on Friendster! Next up on our battle of the underground Emcees it’s Eminem vs Ninjafunk! You’ve got mail! It’s from CatNinjaLitterBox and it has an attachment, it’s a second issue!  

 

Whatnot publishing. Hmm, maybe they’ve truncated their actual name. Maybe it’s WHATthehellisthisi’mNOTsurewhyIshouldkeepreadingit.

 

Rating: 2.5

Verdict: Drop

ONCE UPON A TIME AT THE END OF THE WORLD #1 - Review

It’s time to enforce a moratorium on apocalyptic dystopian tales of the future. Enough already. No more decimated, radiated, fumigated worlds of debris and bug-out bags. I don’t care how hopeful, endearing, prophetic or alarmist you wanna be, it’s enough. Look we get it, the world’s a bit screwy right now. Yet as Artists not everything has to veer straight into a big ol’ kablooey. Maybe you want a kablooey. Maybe you’re hoping for one. You’re so disgusted by what you see you just think to yourself, let’s just end it and go back to one and then you start writing from there. Don’t. Resist the urge. Rather write from the place of ‘where do we go to create the world we want to from now’. Where are those heroes? I want to read those stories. The collective consciousness may be screaming death, destruction and annihilation but you can emit a solitary peep of ‘look how amazing it can all turn out’.

 

So here we have another ‘the world exploded, it’s empty and junked up’ love story. Honestly this comic could have been called ‘Once upon a time in Downtown Los Angeles last Tuesday’. Downtown LA, or LA in general is about a week away from rowboats careening through zombie sea monsters and Target overstock. Maybe Jason Aaron, the writer, took an Uber from Downtown LA through Echo Park to Hollywood and landed in Venice and thought the entire plot of this story through! I’m glad we can be an inspiration to you Jason. You had about a 22% chance of being kidnapped so it’s a shame that couldn’t be arranged but maybe next time you swing by you’ll get that ‘trapped in a truck on its way to a Luciferian ritual in the desert’ story you know you want to write.

 

The premise: End of the world, butch chick rows boat through end of the world, ends up meeting someone in a high rise who has a bunch of stuff including their dead parents locked up in a room. Butch chick gets stuff and leaves as High Rise person gathers stuff and runs after her. Oh, and there’s a moment where High Rise falls hard in love with Butchy. Cute. First of all, I thought the High Rise chick was a chick until about 3/4 through the book until the captions confirmed he was a dude; totally threw me. I thought I was reading a burgeoning futuristic Lesbo story not a Boyle Heights Babe in Bangs meets Burbank Mop Top Boy with Toys story. I mean, either is fine but High Rise could easily pass for a chick. If this is a pronoun switcheroo and now I’ve become insanely insensitive because I didn’t realize that when they said He they meant Her because He/Her romances are racist and frowned upon unless it’s a He/Her/Them falls for Ze/Zey/Zem who’s got a polyamorous/panpanbangbam thing going with a Xex/Xexem/Xexes, I apologize. Today I saw a a video of a girl with multi-colored hair and a nosering in her 20s complaining that people are just using specific pronouns with her and that they should instead use as many as they can when speaking with her. So now I have to rotate, guess and pepper them in from an approved list when speaking to people, just to be sure? Reason #11373 why I hate to leave the house.

 

The issue ends with a jump ahead again into the future where High Rise now looks like an old dude in a compromising torturous position and…okeedoke! Alexandre Tefenkgi, who was the main artist on the wonderful ‘The Good Asian’, kills it once again with the art so it was a delight taking in the visuals. As mentioned in my most recent review I absolutely loved Jason Aaron’s King Conan story. So, I’m willing to go along for a little bit with Downtown LA in February 2023 based on street cred alone. When I picked up my pull list recently the woman who is my favorite at the shop made a remark that this was actually a really popular comic. Look at me being all hip and with it. You know what else is really popular? Kablooey Books. I say Phooey on your Kablooey! 

 

Rating: 7.7

Verdict: Pull

KING CONAN (2022) #1-6 - Review

 

Conan. Yes. Love. I would consider myself a Conan-sseur, buh dump bump psssh. 

 

I know good Conan from bad Conan like I know good coffee from cheap crappy coffee. I have the novels, the magazines, the old school Marvel comics, the wrinkled ragged black and white Savage Sword magazines, the Dark Horse compendums, the movies on VHS; all of it. When Marvel reacquired the Conan license I was…concerned. Conan didn’t really fit in the new Disney Marvel Universe. He’s an unapologetic asshole/womanizer who wouldn’t think twice about slicing the head off of a wizard. If he was left to roam in the Marvel offices he wouldn’t find any wizards but he’d find CGI animators and he’d probably lop their heads off and throw a hipster editorial chick over his shoulder while crashing through a window; just because.

 

Marvel predictably celebrated his return and promised oodles of new Conan tales by creators who loved and honored his legacy, mm hmm. The first offerings out of the chute by Marvel were…mnyeh. They weren’t bad but they weren’t wow. The reboot of the Conan the Barbarian title was simplistic, formulaic and didn’t really offer up any new insight or angle towards the character. It was like they just acquired a wonky European car and took it around the Burbank neighborhood for a spin or two. I dropped it from my pull list. Meanwhile, over at Ablaze Comics they were reprinting old Robert E Howard Conan stories and illustrating them over the course of three issues. Since the stories were in public domain due to being published over 75 years ago they got away with it. They named the comics ‘The Cimmerian’ instead of Conan and promised an uncensored brutal Conan unlike ever before. The comics were hit and miss, some great some not but what made them special is that they reprinted the actual stories in the back of the comics for you to read which was great. So I was happy to get my Conan fix from them until Marvel came along with King Conan.

 

King Conan’s creative team of Aaron, Asrar and Wilson were fantastic and well, they just got it. They keyed into the essence of the entire Conan dynamic and the start of the series was pure Conan yumminess. It was a great premise: King Conan and his arch nemesis Thoth-Amon were stranded on an island in the middle of nowhere haunted by Zombie shipmen and pirates who had crashed there over the years. The Zombies were led by some crazy sorceress chick who was cursed to remain on the island forever and Conan and Thoth were forced to join forces in order to defeat the psycho wizard babe. The creative team balanced that story with a story of Conan and his son dueling their wits and brawn over the future of the crown of Aquilonia. Fuck. Yes. Now, this series ended months upon months ago but the reason I’m just getting to it now is because of my comic book shop.

 

My local comic book shop is a tiny hole in the wall on Melrose and they get shorted books all of the time. I suppose it’s distributors or publishing companies figuring that if they screw this shop over nothing’s going to happen to them, and they’re right. If you’re a tiny store of anything who cares if you don’t get what you need to sell, you’re tiny, wah wah wah, you’re not paying our logistic bills. Just die and become a Target already jeez. Welcome to the modern world of retail. At any rate, my King Conan #4 didn’t ship and it took forever to come in. I finally got it and the remaining issues of the series recently and so here we are, and…holy fookamoley, this story gets uhhhhmayzingly good. Dude.

 

Issue 4 was a Daddy Son emotional heart bomb of a story I was not expecting. I don’t think I’ve ever seen the King/Prince Conan relationship done in such a way. The final panel was kind of a tearjerker, not gonna lie. I had to turn the book over and look at the cover, this is Marvel right? Is Marvel hitting a homerun here? Issue 5 presented a Thoth Amon origin story that was so on the money I wish there was a Conan Evil Wizard story Award I could bestow upon this comic. I think that should be an awards show: Evil Villains and Asshole Awards. Like, let’s acknowledge all the great actors and characters that make up the antagonists of the world. Either that or just stream any conference the World Economic Forum is having where Klaus Anal Schwab is talking; my goodness that guy needs to be hunted by Bond and thrown to some sharks or ejected into space while going Booooooooooonddddd!

 

The climactic issue of this series just brought everything home, it was like a Conan cupcake in a baking competition that someone was tasked to bake and who won the cupcake of the week or whatever. Seriously, why can’t a shop in LA just recreate all the pastries, cakes, cookies and whatever that they do on these baking shows so I can eat all of them? It’s pastry porn and I’m tired of the visual masturbation I want the real thing Food Network et al! So the final panel has Conan sailing off into the distance and immediately I go…oh fuck, no way! I turn to the letters column and read the send off of the editor and sure enough…they’re cancelling this series. WHAT? WHY? Why on earth would you cancel the best Conan comic that’s come down the pike since Brian Wood? What the hell Marvel? You finally hit a homerun and retire the book? Was this written by Roy Hobbs? Oh wait a minute I know why…

 

It’s Conan isn’t it? He doesn’t fit in the new Marvel Way? Him and his toxic masculinity? Were there discussions to paint his hair blue and put him in a tutu??? Can’t have a guy slashing his way through life and banging whomever he wants right? Maybe he needs to get with the new Hulk and a have a good cry before he gets a title again. Jeez, so there’s no more Conan books! You fucking cancelled Conan! After a genius story! That may or may not have had me sob a bit. WTF???

 

I calmed down and did a bit of googlyboogly and saw an article that said Marvel’s letting the license for Conan expire and Titan Books is picking up the rights to publish new material. Okay, I’ve calmed down a little bit more but seriously Marvel? Do you have a problem creating amazing comics? Stan Lee's sign off was Excelsior! Which loosely translates to ever upward. Have you changed your saying to Ordinarius! While we’re on the subject of a new home for Conan have we really cancelled Brian Wood forever?

 

Brian Wood’s run on Dark Horse was the greatest Conan run in recent memory. Now, apparently he did some yucky things to women. I daresay it wasn’t Harvey Weinstein yucky but yucky nonetheless, so, is that it? No more Brian Wood comics? Titan can you call Brian and maybe work out a mea culpa or something? Have a female creative/editorial team surround him and love and lead him on the right path? I did some digging on Brian Wood’s accusations and it’s a lot of him being a douchebag in a bar. Okay, I mean if we’re going to disallow bar douchebags from working I think we’d lose 80% of our entire government at every level and probably 90% of our professional athletes and musicians. Now Brian also did this while he was married with a pregnant wife or girlfriend, not sure, okay, so, clearly d-bag a-hole, fine. But he can’t work anymore? He’s untouchable? Has the market made that determination or social media?

 

Here’s another woman who came out as another accuser of Brian Wood. This is her story:

 

Brian Wood does D Bag Stuff

 

So, lemme get this straight. You clearly are low self worth needing validation. You meet this guy at a bar, you’re psyched, he takes you around the block, he goes to kiss you, you say no, he says okay, takes you back to the bar. Later on he says ‘Yeah this chick wanted me but I said no’. Mmkay. So, dick move? Yes. But, don’t you ever set foot in a Comic Book office again move? Read what she wrote. What do you think?

 

Anyway, phew, I’m whooped. Titan, come with that roughneck Conan bidness boyee. The world needs Conan. The world will always need Conan and by Crom you’ll never get rid of him! 

 

Rating: 9.5

Verdict: #FreeConanfromDisney’sClutches

November '22 Reading Round Up

 

Two spectacular books came to an end this month: Catwoman, Lonely City and Aquaman's Andromeda. They were both like a hot sizzling drop dead gorgeous babe that you would sometimes meet who showed up from out of town for an award show in Los Angeles. If you're lucky enough she chooses you to spend time with and you have an amazing fling. It goes by sooo quickly and before you know it the perfect week is over and you're driving her to LAX on that Sunday night. As you're driving you're fondling her boobies with one hand and she's stroking your knob with one of her hands. Nobody in the soul crushing traffic line that crawls into the LAX terminals can understand why and how the two of you are so happy when everyone else is miserable. 

Hey it's my blog and I get to make an analogy between a great comic book and a car knobber if I want to!

Now these books are gone, sniffle, and Wonder Woman Historia is ending soon along with the White Knight, the best Batman book out there right now. Wondering if any undeniably great comics are going to come out in the next month or so is like having to go to art gallery reception hoping you'll meet a cutie there. I mean, it's possible. It's also possible you'll be saying 'Oh so you're a Lesbian' and 'Oh so, you think that since I'm Jewish I must run the world and therefor be evil, gotcha' more often than you care to. One can only dream.

Here are the books that made their mark, be it good or bad, for yours truly this month...

Catwoman: Lonely City #4

Hitomi #1 

Night of the Ghoul #1

Miracleman: Silver Age #1 

Dark Spaces: Wildfire #4

Mind MGMT: Bootleg #4 

Daredevil #4

Detective Comics #1064-1065 

Chicken Devils #1

Andromeda #3 

 

Happy reading!

ANDROMEDA #3 - Review

 

It’s Black Friday! Rather than being sucked into the shopping vortex I decided to make it Black Label Friday! Another deep dive into the murky depths of the spectacular Andromeda book took the place of surfing through endless coupons from failing and flailng businesses begging you to purchase their wonky wares. I don’t how you felt about it, but this year’s Black Friday didn’t really seem like a Black Friday, it felt like a Grey Wednesday. I wasn’t blown away by any of the deals. Nothing was eye poppingly wow omg, must get before it be gone. If you’re sending out 10, 20 or 30% nonsense that’s not Black Friday that’s Wack Buyday. Come on retail, look, y’all need to pump out some 80% off/below cost/we’re losing money here type deals.

 

Black Friday means...you lose. YOU LOSE! It's the one day consumers devoid of a soul can get their stuffy stuff for next to nada. You take a bath Retail! A bath in your losses and soak up the suds of your items flying off the shelves like they were in a flash mob in San Francisco. And for goodness sake, don’t give me these ‘Up to 60% off’ or ‘Up to 75% off’ bullshit. We’re not stupid. We know that means, ‘Yeah most of our stuff, the good stuff will be 25-30 but SOME will be 75 and that some will be pure crapola’. Then there were all the streaming losers with their ‘Two bucks a month for 3 months’ nonsense. No, you reduce your overpriced platform to less than half and suck it up. HBOMax? $7 a month…for…a…year! Stop roping us into these promo price shenanigans! NBA was like, get our league pass for 50 off but they wouldn’t let me get 50 off their monthly price for individual teams. I want the Knicks to gouge my happiness three times a week not every frikkin' team I know and care nothing about. Eff. All of you. You know what was worth $7? This comic. This was a grand blissful achievement that surpassed all of my expectations and more. I am stuffed with joy like a Turkey stuffed with breadcrumbs made out of Marvel comics from the 60s.

 

There are not enough superlatives to describe the majesty that was this story. It was brilliantly spun by Ram V and next level drawn by Christian Ward. I felt like I was watching a movie within a book. The visuals and words worked so perfectly together it sometimes felt like I was hearing them in my head and seeing them dance in front of me. It took me more than a day to finish, not because it was painstakingly long but because I wanted to savor it. I didn’t want this to end but it was tied up so perfectly and given a coda in such a sublime way that I really couldn’t ask for anything more but to close the cover and say thank you. Between this and Catwoman: Lonely City, DC has put out two of the best works of comic book goodness in years. Add the unfuckingbelievable Wonder Woman Historia, which will make your eyes bleed all the awful art they’ve ever seen before laying eyes on the art in these books, and you have a holy trinity of Superhero books that are going to ultimately be looked upon as sky posts to which hero book creators should aspire to. It is not lost on me that I just mentioned books that were based on Aquaman, Wonder Woman and Catwoman; three characters that I have barely paid attention to over my comic book life and yet here I am begging their creators for more.

 

The back stories on all of the crew of the Andromeda were so well thought out and so emotionally engaging that I am still thinking of them, especially Ivanov’s story of dragging refugees by a boat during war torn Sarajevo. This is what comics have the power to do. To weave tales and art together in a way that will spark our imaginations to create and seek out comparable works of art. I know I rag on Marvel a lot. I do it because I know they too can be putting out this type of content if they really wanted to or if creators were given the leeway to do so. As it stands, they’re stuck in a hamster wheel of feeding a bottom line and it’s sickening to see them toil in mediocrity.

 

As for Aquaman, he was presented as King, a fairy tale, a haunted vision, a boy with a past, and a man with an ethereal responsibility that reaches back eons to a time before time. If this is Aquaman DC, I am all in. It feels weird to write that. I mean, I’m a Batman guy. Maybe I’m shedding my bad girl, naughty Latina vibe for a regal hot blonde vibe. I can get with that. Andromeda. A book for the ages. Grab it and swim to the depths.

 

Rating; 10.0

Verdict: Pull and Frame.

CHICKEN DEVILS #1 - Review

What am I thankful for? I’m thankful for great comic books that make me forget about the world for a brief moment in time. I’m thankful that I haven’t succumbed to buying 100 mediocre Batman Titles even though I love Batman. I’m thankful that DC has the balls to put out amazing Black Label books that burst with creativity. I’m thankful that Marvel has saved me so much money every month by not enticing me to buy almost everything they put out. I’m thankful that I completely lost track of the Marvel MCU Phase thingy and what’s coming up and what’s connected to what film that I can completely ignore all of them and phase them out of my existence. I’m thankful for wacky off the wall out of the box comics that remind me why comics are great in the first place.

 

One of those great comics was Pearl which just wrapped up it’s final issue this past month. It was solid, not necessarily spectacular. It went out with a twist of a bang and a yearning for Bendis to keep churning more Pearl stories out. I can definitely see Pearl as a streaming show although what you’d lose is the eye popping wowza art of Michael Gaydos who has cemented himself as a Titan of the industry. Another great wacky off the wall comic of the year has been…Chicken Devil.

 

If you haven’t read the first arc of Chicken Devil you’re missing out. Yeah, it’s nothing unbelievably original: regular guy running a fast food hot chicken joint has a business partner involved in drugs with the Russian Mob. Murders, explosions and mayhem ensues with regular guy pushed to the brink. We’ve seen it all before. What we haven’t seen is a Hot Chicken guy in LA dressed in a full on Chicken Body Suit going on a revenge spree that includes outsmarting and beating the Russian Mob. It was written and drawn to perfection and totally has TV show written all over it if you ask me. There’s family drama. There’s chicken recipes and chicken menus. How is this place not a Pop Up in LA already? I don’t even do the hot chicken thing but I would to pay my respects to this series…as long as its not on the West Side or in Silverlake/Echo Park. West Side is a pain in the ass to drive to and Silverlake/Echopark has third world country roads that wreaks havoc on my classic car. Just open up in WeHo or Melrose District like normal pop ups and save me the aggravation.

 

Anyway, the second installment ‘Chicken Devils’ dropped and issue one is basically all set-up, but what a set-up it is. We get an Albanian Bike Gang, a marriage on the rocks and a couple of LAPD Detectives ready to don some fucking hot chicken outfits and take down the crime element of La La Land. PLEASE let this be real! I think LA is at the point where if I see a bunch of Chicken Suit people running after thieves and murderers in LA with AK’s and machetes I’d finally feel like something is getting done here to tackle the crime. If you ask me, I think an army of Chicken Suit Vigilantes is exactly what this city needs. New York had the Guardian Angels back in the 80s. LA needs the Chicken Devils. I wanna see Chicken Suit people patrolling the streets and chasing down assholes that do donuts in the middle of the street with their unregistered stolen cars. I wanna see Chicken Suit dudes and dudettes running after every and anyone who’s been getting away with whatever they want because this pathetically run city refuses to do anything about it.

 

You know I’m right and that it would be a global phenomenon. Hot Chicken People save Los Angeles. My goodness. Now THAT, would be something everybody who loves this city could be thankful for.  When a comic book has what it takes to save an enormous metropolitan city from itself that’s a comic book worth supporting.

 

Rating: 9.0

Verdict: Pull

DETECTIVE COMICS #1064-1065 - Review

Sigh. Good not great. A lot of times in life we settle for good not great. Why? Because it’s good! What’s wrong with good? Everything can’t be great! True. But we should always strive for greatness. There must be an attempt. In art and entertainment I’m sure creative beings always want something to be great but it doesn’t always turn out that way. Sometimes the transition from thought to rough sketch to being done and taken in by a complete stranger is a nasty ride. Everything can’t always be great especially when it’s Batman comic books and there’s five hundred titles a month to choose from.

 

I believe you should choose comics to read based on a feeling not a brand. If you see something come out or hear about something that excites you pick it up! Conversely if you’re reading something and it doesn’t make you go ‘Ooh I should read blank blank today, that’ll be fun’ then stop reading it. Comic books are like dating. If whomever you’re dating doesn’t give you a great feeling and inspire you to want to see them then you should stop seeing them; don’t waste their time.

 

A lot of times we continue seeing people because you think ‘hey, I don’t have anybody else and I’m comfy with them’. I’m sure many girls have thought that about me ‘Yeesh, he’s so frikkin’ loud and I can’t stand it when he stares at me like he’s Prince but, I dunno, at least he’s not like my last meth head boyfriend who put a hot curling iron on my bare ass because he wanted to brand me like a cow'.

 

When I look over to my comic book rack (yes I have an actual wooden comic book rack that I keep my current comics in, best thing everrrr) I see a bunch of titles I have yet to read. There’s the final issue of Pearl which I am totally psyched about. Chicken Devil has just launched a new arc, fuck yes. Andromeda, by the same writer of the two Detective Comics I’m going to get to in a second, is wrapping up and that has been one of the best of the year. Actually, all three of these titles are great, top of the line can’t miss issues. So when I flip through the rack and see that I have two Detective Comics issues backed up because I didn’t read one last month it’s pretty obvious I need to break up with them.

 

If I was dating them, and clearly it would not be exclusive, I would take them to museums, art galleries, a hike, maybe a cool coffee spot, but all things that cost zero money.

 

I would Netflix and chill them.

 

Hulu and Woo Woo them.

 

HBO Max and Wax them.

 

Amazon Prime them and slime them.

 

I wouldn’t wine them and dine them.

 

To the comic. This Bat Book feels like it should be epic…but it isn’t. It wants to be epic…but it isn’t. It’s a little muddy and, I dunno, cornball? Has that 80s 90s Bat Book feel. Court of Owls by Snyder and Capullo was fucking epic. The first White Knight story was holy shit epic. Even Jock’s One Dark Knight had a hint of epic. This feels like Batman on a Tuesday night. No particular reason. The Orghams are these demonic European creepazoids on a ship sailing to reclaim their Arkham name or something. They submitted their DNA to 23 & Me and were like 'Yo, we own a prison for Bat Villains in Gotham let's go get that shit! Put your creepy contact lenses in and get that devil's dust so we can fuck with that Two Face loser who still owes us from the Fantasy Football league we won a few years ago'.

Talia As Ghul is Bats' Baby Momma right? I can't keep up with Bats and his girlfriends. They're fighting on a dock for alimony? He liked a Kim Bassinger post last week? He took Damian out for a steak when she's trying to keep him Vegan? He told her Bernie Sanders is a kooky loser after she donated a cool mill to him? They look great fighting. Bats fights a lot of dangerous hot babes in hot outfits. Maybe, I dunno Bruce, go to Erewhon sometime and pick up a wacky Actress chick see if that's a better fit. You have the house, the car and the money and your dark secret isn't that you're really gay and off to Palm Springs for a weekly White Party extravaganza; they'll be totally psyched to date you.

 

I mean, look, the creative team is as good as it gets and they all do a really good job. But see, if you’re gonna put out oodles of Bat books then I’m gonna want to read the great ones. I’m not throwing down a hundy a month on Bats cuz I have a Bat fetish. I can’t pick up every number one issue, you’re gonna have to grab me. And if you don’t I don’t care cuz I know there’s a dozen Bat books coming down the pike. This is why you don’t boo comedians. If they suck, so what, there’s a whole line waiting backstage to try to tickle your funny femur. If it’s the Headliner and they suck, yes, boo, they deserve it since they’re getting paid the big bucks and they’re on the marquee. Detective Comics is a headliner.

 

Boooo.

 

Rating: 7.3

Verdict: Drop

DAREDEVIL #4 - Review

 

How much set-up can one story have??? We’re in Issue 4 of the Fist vs the Hand and it’s been one extended fist/hand story jerk off with zero lube. What am I reading, Dr. Zhivago with Halloween costumes? It’s a comic book not a Jane Austen novel for goodness sake! I just sped through this issue because, well, it’s quick and fluffalicious and I’m still not getting a Fist vs the Hand anything. I had to put the comic down and pop-lock for a few minutes with Electric Boogaloo in the background so I could get my fists and hands involved. I then popped on Vogue by Madonna to get all the hands and fists out of my system since Daredevil couldn’t deliver.

 

Here’s the deal, I feel like they could’ve put everything that they’ve had in the past four issues into one comic, there was no need to draw (no pun intended) this out so long. Is this an editorial decision? Was Chip like, ‘Hey I have a great 5 issue Fist Hand story’ and Marvel suits grabbed him by his nuts in the steam room and said ‘No you don’t Zdarsky! No you don’t! You have a 12 issue Fist Hand Story! 12! Fucking Tuhhhh-wellllve’ and then did they get real handy with him? Is that where all the writers have to go to pitch their series? The steam room where they can’t really see the suits and their 4 issue stories get turned into 10-12 issues, a movie, a Disney show and a Kabuki play for the elites at Bohemian Grove?

 

Daredevil was, maybe is, not sure, the only great thing coming out of Marvel comic book offices. Maybe Zdarsky was done. He got a call from Fraction on a great new spinoff of Sex Criminals and was ready to bounce when Beelzebub cornered him the Marvel Cafeteria with Taiki Waikikidiki and told him in no uncertain MJ terms ‘Your butt is mine’. Let’s go save Chip! Who’s with me? Actually scratch that, the traffic on the 110 to the 134 to Burbank is more brutal than watching CNN for more than five minutes. Chip you’re on your own.

 

I just read, and this has been out for longer than I knew, that Disney is bringing back the original cast of the greatest Hero TV show in the history of the Universe: Netflix’s Daredevil. I have so many mixed emotions about this: Wildly thrilled and deeply pessimistic. Is it possible that Disney could leave the creative team alone and let them work their gritty, intense, spellbinding magic? Or will they smear their Disney anus on each and every script and table read until the entire production ends up like a goofier version of She Hulk?

 

For goodness sake, I just want great Marvel content, how hard can this be??? Why does everything feel so cheap and greasy??? It’s like street meat tacos at 3am wrapped up in a shiny spandex wrapper. You go ‘ooh what’s that’, eat it and then have to reach up your butt with both hands to wring your intestines until every morsel is out of your system lest you end up looking like Mickey Rourke.

 

And yes, there was a game changing moment between Hornhead & Elektra at the end but in my opinion I don't feel the moment was necessarily earned. Anyway, this comic just hit a speed bump for the first time ever which is ironic since it’s spinning its wheels and going nowhere fast. I’ll be back but if someone out there wants to start a GoFundMe for Zdarsky’s rescue let me know and I’ll throw in a couple shekels.

 

Rating: 7.0

Verdict: #SaveDardevilandZdarsky