DAREDEVIL #5 - Review

 

When we last left our Fist me with that Hand Devil Dude and Elektrica Babe they were on their backs in the snow, holding hands after just being proclaimed Man and Wife by Stick, their crotchety pain in the ass martial arts teacher schmuck. Now before I even opened up this issue my question was, did they have a honeymoon? I mean if I just got hitched to a hot Latina in an island in the middle of nowhere and all I had to look forward to was battling an ancient ninja wraith zombie cult I’d like a little nookie just to take the edge off. Not sure where Double D and Nasty Natchios could get that done, place looks awful. Maybe Stick could coach them on how to be buck naked in the snow, build heat and bang but Stick is the last person I’d want as a voyeur for any sexy time ‘You call that grabbing hair and slappin’ ass pretty boy. You slap ass like that when the Hand is around you’ll get your ass handed to you!’ Stick did you just make a jo – 'Shut up dickwad!' Sorry.

 

My other question is can Elektra cook? I don’t care if this makes me sound old fashioned or what but I want my woman to not only just cook but to be a super bad ass cook. Looks fade, butts will sag but a magical bowl of beans and rice with a perfectly cooked steak is forever. I can’t see Elektra cooking for jack. Like her eggs are probably the worst. She probably burns toast and then tosses your expensive Breville toaster out the window. God forbid you carp and gripe about it you’re asking for a nunchuk landing inches from your nuts. I mean yeah, if you wake up with morning wood she’s probably launching herself naked up in the air, doing several flips and landing perfectly on your long duck dong; so there’s that. Although, she probably likes it too rough for my taste. Like, right hook my jaw while you’re on top of me or just flat out choke me from behind you loser. That’s waaay too much work. I’m not choking anybody for no reason, I need a reason and the threat of getting a heel in face during sex isn’t a motivator other than yeah, I’m busy this week and the next, I’ll text you mmkay.

 

I mean, look at this main cover. Double D is miserable! He’s officially now in marriage prison and he’s rattling the cage to be let out. And there’s ‘Lektra grabbing onto him from behind begging him to come back to bed. She’s whispering in his ear:

 

‘Come back to bed Matty poo, I want you to call my Brown Eye ‘Bullseye’ again and I want to you to pound it like Wilson Fisk was staring at you from within it’s empty depths’. 

 

Daredevil doesn’t even look like Daredevil he looks like a Paladin or a Ranger from Dungeons & Dragons. Weren’t the kids that played the Paladins and the Rangers in D&D always the biggest assholes? Like, they were always Chaotic Good or something like that and they always blamed everyone else for your party getting decimated by a gang of weak ass Hobgoblins even though they always rolled a 1 or a 2 in combat.

 

So I open this Marvisney book up and, wait, this is Dr. Leonard Sampson??? From the Hulk comics? Why does he look like a Green Sasquatch/Grinch Mutant? Then we get all this nonsense that because Double D and Lekky married everyone now has enhanced fighting abilities. Foggy is now flying through the air and kicking like Spiderman. Yeah, I call bullshit. When all your friends get married the only enhanced fighting abilities you get is the ability to find new batteries for your TV remote in a swifter fashion as you stay home every night with a nary a social life to speak of. Wow look at me! When all my friends post pictures of their children within seconds my face is plastered against a window looking out into the night wondering if I’ll ever say hello to a woman again: now that’s a super power! I think I’m going to call myself Captain Spectrum TV Homebody!

 

Now Hubby and Wifey are plotting to break out a bunch of villain losers from a prison island which I assume is to help the Fist grab the Hand of the Knob. So we get standard prison break silliness and a final shot of Captain America and Stark saying they have to ‘bring Daredevil in’. Great. More tie-in bullshit. Let me guess, I have to now go and read 10 Avengers titles and a pathetically bad Moongirl Devil Girl T Rex book to catch up to what’s going on. Dude. This is FIVE issues of set up. What is this? A three and a half hour foreign coming of age Lesbian movie?

 

Elektra is cute though. Look at all that hair. How is she managing to keep it so full and have it have that shiny luster in the middle of an island? What brand of Blow Dryer is she using? It’s a Babyliss isn’t it? Red? With a button that fires nunchuks just in case? What a maniac.

 

You know what else Elektra would also be a maniac about? Social media. God forbid you even like some random insta trashy ho’s vid or even have it come up on your feed. You could neverrrr leave your phone around with Elektra. You have to take it in the shower with you and sleep with it up your asshole to be safe. The crazy thing is, you know Elektra’s gotten drunk and done a Tik Tok dance challenge and killed it. You’ll see it and beg her to do it again and she’ll always deflect and say that was a one shot deal.

 

But one night she’ll get tipsy when you’re both alone and she’ll grab ‘I Think We’re Alone Now’ by Tiffany off of Spotify and start doing some choreography to it. The problem is, since you two are alone and she’s tipsy and probably horny she’s going to beat the shit out of you as well.

 

I think we’re alone now [choreography, she then throws one of her Sai’s at you]

 

Ow! Babe, that’s my eye

 

There doesn’t seem to be anyone around [choreography, she then fires several Shuriken at you]

 

Ahhh! Fuck! Lekky! There’s three of these things in my chest! Owww!

 

I think we’re alone now [Backflip, leg kick to your jaw]

 

Oof! Honey, I’m sorry I said your rice tasted like sneakers, please –

 

The beating of our hearts is the only sound [Right cross to head, downward kick on your nuts]

 

[Whimper]

 

Bang my Browneye and call it Bullseye!!!

 

Yes dear, right away, dear.

 

Hey Chip, this comic is starting to really suck, get things moving or I’m dumping you and this slow crawl of a yawnfest faster than Elektra would dump me for cumming too quickly.

 

Rating: 6.9

Verdict: Pull on Alert

MIRACLEMAN: SILVER AGE #2 - Review

 

We’re back with the Miracle Shmiracle Gang! Now, at first I thought this was the big one. The one where Neil takes us off on his ‘this is what I’m going to do with this story and this is where I’m going to take it’ moment. I did not know this issue had already been published but with different layouts which they detailed in the backmatter. Again, I am just realizing this is a reprint but this is my first time reading this issue.

 

The comic is all ‘Dicky is the best woo hoo’ in the beginning and middle. He gets a ticker tape parade in Noo Yawk and a key to the city. He meets the Double M Gang of teens which includes some redhead chick who apparently just wants to fuck everyone. I’m not sure why Redheads aren’t raking Neil across the coals on social media for perpetuating an insulting stereotype that all Redheads are randy and ready to go. I once dated a Redhead. Once. She actually was randy and ready to go until we actually were in bed and ready to go and then said to me ‘There’s so much we can do without doing anything’. I wish I had Camera One pinned on my facial expression after that line, it was probably priceless.

 

The issue ends with biscuits and tea with MM at the end for a nightly chat. Prior to this chat we've had several intimate moments between Double M and his Miracle Babe Consort Chickadee about having to breach ‘the subject’ with Little M. We don’t know what this subject is but it keeps getting touched upon. Then, finally, after a neither here nor there issue steadily chugging along we get…

 

GAY SMOOCH??? SERIOUSLY??? Wow! I did not see that coming at all. Look, I have ZERO problems with gay smooches. Gay smooch wherever and with whomever you want anywhere you want, love is love. I was just taken aback that Double M wants Little M’s Little D. I don’t remember there being any electricity between these two, was there? Or is Double M like ‘Hey, I have 5000 kids. I bang who I want. Even a HeroGod wants what he can’t have and me rikey!

 

I can see Marvel initially balking at wanting to reprint issues of this series. I can see them going, ‘Why should we put out something that has already been done? We neverrrr do that. Let’s just get to the new stuff Neil-ah-roonkski. I can see Neil walking into his pitch to Marvel. He’s not only going to get them to reprint the stuff but he’s going to redo the layouts the way he wants and he's gonna put his stink on it. Neil probably sat down with a smirk and in his elegant accent said:

 

Miracle Dickie Bang Bang Smoocheroo

 

Marvel Comic suits heads explode. People come running in from the offices in wonderment, what’s going on in there. Gaiman says it again with even more gusto:

 

Miracle Dickie Bang Bang Smoocheroo

 

Even more heads explode! The floor starts shaking. Cracks form in the walls. West Hollywood erupts in a cacophony of orgasmic celebratory wails of delight. Rocco’s on San Vicente fills to gills with socialites and fashionistas dressed like Big M and Little M! Disney Execs board their underground tunnel shuttle that zips up from Anaheim to New York City is 15 minutes flat. By the time they reach Marvel’s Editorial Offices the Execs are all naked and in a state of jubilant exhaustion. On their way up the elevator they stop off in the mailroom and grab two or three male blonde interns, strip them down and drag them into the elevators. When the doors open to the top floor they triumphantly climb onto the intern’s buttocks, strap a harness over them and ride them like a White Horse into what’s left of the Boardroom where Neil is now levitating naked with the MiracleMan logo emblazoned on his chest. Fire shoots out of his eyes. His dong is doing 360 degree circles at an unimaginable speed. His voice thunders:

 

Miracle Dickie Bang Bang Smoocheroo

 

Sparks shoot out of the Disney Execs buttholes as they rocket off into the Manhattan night sky riding their naked blonde interns ‘Yee Haw! Ride that Little D Big M! Ride it!

 

Hey wait a minute. How old is MM? Like, late 30s, 40s? Yeah yeah I get it he’s beyond age and human attributes blah blah but really like how old? And Dicky D? Teens? Hmm. Is this even Kosher? Again, Gay Smooch wherever and with whomever you want…as long as they’re of legal and consenting age. I think that goes without saying for any ‘adult to kid smooch' no? Okay, sure, Dicky D wallops Double M and he goes flying out into the Cosmos but maybe we needed a little text before that ‘Double M, I’m 15’.

 

Look, was there ever any intimation or even a hint of this moment in previous issues? Like, am I missing something here? I don’t remember any panel or sequence where I remotely thought, ‘oh they’re into each other or Double M is into Double D’. Like, if there was and it was building to this moment I would be completely okay with it but there wasn’t. Were we to have assumed it? How? If this moment was a payoff from countless moments and issues then sure, great, we would have all been like ‘Yes! Finally! Pucker up and Smooch already!’

 

Wait a minute juuuust wayyyyt a minute here. Take a look at the cover! So you have Dicky D flying and waving in the parade and behind him is an enormous Miracle Man balloon that all but envelops Dicky D in the angle of the shot. The Miracle Balloon has a knowing smile. Looks like Dicky D is perfectly positioned for the Double M Balloon to have a little Naughty Parade Balloon fun. Come to think of it, maybe YM on Dicky's suit was given to him by MM but while Dicky thinks it means Young MiracleMan maybe MM thinks it means Young Manhole. Ah ha!

 

Aaaand who’s that waaay behind the Double M Balloon? Why it’s a Miracle Babe-ah-roo Balloon and she’s totally out of the picture. She’s like ‘You go Double M. Git that lil’ Hero Booty’.

 

Neil you randy devil you. Miracleloon Dickyball Bangershmiracle indeed.

Rating: 8.0

Verdict: Pull and find a Redhead

RONIN BOOK II #1 - Review

 

So the first question I have after getting through the first several pages of this comic is this: Was Frank Miller jerking off while he was drawing this or did he wait until he knocked out a couple of pages and then jerked off? It’s probably a combo of both, like, draw half naked babe getting banged by metal tentacles, jerk jerk, draw muscle dude, almost finish, draw naked babe with even more tentacles all over her and in her and and…ahhhhh. What the hell am I reading here? I like sexy, not really into the filthy. This feels filthy.

 

You got a naked babe in bed. First frame looks like she’s being banged upside down. Then it looks like she’s cumming. Then on  the next page she’s on her haunches, her naked buttocks ready for God knows what. Then we’ve got her wrapped in a sheet looking like she’s doing a shoot for a creepy photographer and then, Boom! Her face and mouth are being penetrated by a dozen metal insert thingies. Next page it’s her entire body. Maybe this is why he had to publish this on his own. His pitch to the Comics Industry was ‘Naked Babe. Tentacles. In her [snicker] like everywhere [Beavis laugh] metal in flesh, naked, yeah’. Mr. Miller you need to leave.

 

Is this Frank’s ex, or some girl in a bar who didn’t fawn over him when he mentioned to her:

 

‘I did that Daredevil Elektra thing, know what I’m talking about baby? Elektra, dead, I killed her, Daredevil 181 baby’

 

‘Uh huh, so medium rare or just medium on the steak?’

 

I mean, if I’m 15 years old I’m probably going through a lot of hair conditioner while reading this while screaming ‘Robot bang her robot bang her’ but I’m not. I’m an adult male and we’re not in 1989 anymore. This feels like one of those things I would see in a cheap comic convention in New Jersey in the 80s when some local artist would have blown up panels of some random chick half naked with a panther in the background and a full moon in the upper left corner. Do I have to keep reading this? How much was this again? I can’t find the price on the comic? I think it was like, eight bucks right? Dammit. Eighties comic porn for eight bucks, I could have bought two ounces of coffee at the café up the street instead!

 

I didn’t read the first Ronin. I don’t know who anybody is. I shouldn’t have to. A story is a story. So far I have ‘Babe dreaming of her man wakes up and gets banged by robot run by something named Virgo’ who I assume is the villain or baddie. Am I missing something here? I never did well with Virgos, they always had this blank stare on our dates. I don’t think they do sarcasm very well. I think they need like, really aggressive guys to take charge otherwise they’re just gonna stare at you with a blank look while wondering if they’re running out of cumin, paprika and coriander in their spice rack.

 

I don’t care how ‘nice’ the art is, not one bit. I didn’t buy a book called ‘The Jerkmeoff Art of Frank Miller’ I bought a book called Ronin so I could read a compelling story with sequential art! Story. Story. Story. If I wanna see haunches haunched up in my face with lips apart I can scroll through my Insta which is constantly goading me with clips of half naked chicks. I don’t know why though. Like, what’s the end game? I suppose there’s so much ads on there now the more I look the more ads they pay out on. Blecch. I’m flipping through this more, my goodness Frank Miller hire an Escort at a Comic Con or just pick up a random Anime babe who actually knows who you are (is that possible, Anime? Maybe like Black Cat or Supergirl cosplayers would really be into Frank) and leave us alone already.

 

I can’t finish this. I wonder, can I stuff this in one of those little Library book thingies they have in the neighborhood? You know, where you can take a free book or leave a book for people to read for free? Could I get apprehended for disseminating porn if I do? You ruined my Thursday morning Frank Miller with this swill! I had my coffee with these newfangled gluten-free mini matcha donuts all set up to enjoy a goofy AF 80s cheesefest. I had Level 42 playing in the background and then your personal masturbation material invaded my humble abode. That and these Matcha donuts tasted like your cover if they were covered in sugar. Jeez, and these donuts also cost 8 bucks! Why is the Universe robbing me eight dollars at a time!

 

My goodness. What’s the imprint of this again? FMP. Frank Miller’s Pussy? Is that it? Would he write that using a Sharpie on the buttocks of all those Elektra Cosplay Girls that followed him home from that rinky dink bar in the Bowery at 230am in the 80s? I don’t wanna know. You know who did a sexy mind blowing book all in black and white in the 90s with an Asian influence that actually had a compelling story? David Mack: Kabuki. You want to read something that enriches your comic book life read that instead of this stroke off fest.

 

FMP. Frank Miller’s Pud. Keep it in your pants Frank.

 

Rating: 1.0

Verdict: Drop

KROMA #1 - Review

 

They say don’t judge a book by its cover. When it comes to content these days we have no other choice. When you’re scrolling through thumbnails of new issues that are coming out every week there’s no way you can figure out what’s what with non-superhero comics other than going off what the cover looks like. Something grabs you? You click. In the world of acting it’s the same way. Casting Directors, well, more like Casting Associates, literally get thousands upon thousands of submissions from agents for projects. For commercials it’s probably more. All they see when they click on the submission tabs are thumbnail pix like they’re opening files on an old iphone that was used during their ‘wild clubbing days of the aughts’. Ooh, look there I am licking the floor with my ass up in the air, pretty sure Fifty Cent’s ‘Birthday’ was playing during this pic; wasn’t it always playing? The Aughts were Fifty’s ‘Birthday’ and Lil Jon’s ‘Yeaahhh’ on a loop mixed with glitter puke, glow sticks and bathroom stall BJs…for most people.

 

Comic Book Covers are like dating apps, you’re not reading a single word of a profile unless the pic is ‘ohmygoodnesswhothefuckisthat’ hot. So when I saw the cover of Kroma on the endless drawl of comic book covers my eyes popped ‘ohmygoodnesswhatthefuckisthat’. It’s Image, so, you have my attention. It’s eight bux, so you have my attention and my butt sitting on my digital wallet. Is it me or do you notice more and more $5-8 comics and less $4 ones? When did it become okay to just charge pseudo graphic novel prices on a comic all the live long day? Anyway, I have no idea who this Lorenzo guy is and I didn’t look for a preview for the book to peek inside, I just grabbed it; cuz intrigue and instinct is what rules the day in content world these days. I was right to do so.

 

Okay, so, I have a thing for cute Blonde girls, always have. My first crush in 1st grade, my first kiss, my prom date, my virginity, my last New York girlfriend all Blondes. Interesting that I went raven haired fiery Latina for a fiancé. It didn’t work out. Maybe I should stick to the Blondes? In this comic book a ritual is created where a cute blonde girl has to emerge out of a black egg and sprint away from the rabid masses who aim to pummel her due to her having ‘color’ in her eyes. Wait, they don’t know she has color in her eyes, the main character a boy named Zet notices the eyes during the ritual. She’s dressed in a, I dunno, Lady Gaga/Dark Crystal outfit with a skulls head as a mask when she’s set free before the masses rush off to pummel her. The world imagined here is a world of pale where colors have become the enemy, an evil that could destroy everyone. How this was able to get past the Diversity Screeners is beyond me

 

‘Umm, where’s the diversity?’

 

‘It’s an imaginary world without color’

 

‘Right, so where’s the diversity?’

 

‘Color is evil, it’s hunted down and destroyed’

 

‘So there’s diversity in the villain casting?’

 

‘Not really, I mean, there’s a Lizard thingy’

 

‘So the Lizard is being played by a Diverse actor/person in Green Screen?’

 

‘It’s just a lizard’

 

‘Mmkay, what’s your social media? We’d like to send you some…traffic’

 

This takes place in a medievalish type world of castles, villages with a Grand Vizier type guy who puts on a Horned Helmet thingamajig when he whips the masses into a frothing at the mouth frenzy over the perceived evil. He kinda looks like the villain in Time Bandits (uhhmayzing movie love love love) I would say this approach is probably being discussed in the boardrooms of all mainstream news outlets these days, “The masses aren’t frenzied enough. They’re not buying our BS. Maybe we should outfit our news anchors in caked on horned helmets?”

 

So the Horned Dude’s main apprentice is this kid Zet who starts visiting the Blonde Girl in the guarded tower and gets to know her and obviously starts falling for her. I would totally have a crush on this girl, big eyes, mop top hair, loincloth fashion style, sign me up! I’m going to guess that the author also once dated a blonde girl and wanted to lock her up in a guarded tower. Look, I’ve dated and loved my share of Blonde women as I stated at the top but it’s no secret that cute blonde girls are one of the main causes of death on the planet. I would say Cute Blonde Actresses are probably number two in the world in all-cause mortality. Oh, they don’t say it’s because of Blonde Actresses, they say Heart Disease, Cancer, High Blood Pressure etc. Well who the hell do you think were the causes of all of those things, hmmm?

 

There’s a major ‘Wow did not see that coming’ moment at the very end of the issue that totally took me by surprise; mouth dropped. Dammit, I’m in Lorenzo. How many issues is this? Five? So forty bux to slowly build up to my obsessing over a cute blonde girl in a loin cloth for the next five months? Sounds like a great deal to me! Do yourself and your audience a favor and get some diversity in here? Chasing a blonde girl down as evil is all well and good. Chasing her down with diversity on her heels? Gold. I mean, Silver. I mean, Bronze.

 

Rating: 8.6

Verdict: Pull

NIGHT OF THE GHOUL #2 - Review

 

When we last left our dad/son team in the old folks home in the middle of nowhere Dad was holed up in a room with a creepy bald gross retiree with a nose missing begging him for film footage while the son was wandering around the spooky facility looking for a wifi signal at which point he comes upon a room of waifish children who appear on their way to be, I dunno, sacrificed or something? This sounds like any ol’ day in Hollywood except replace Dad/Son with Writing Partners.

 

One Writing Partner is always stuck in a room begging for more creative control with an Aging Yuck Mouth Mogul with various body parts missing. The Mogul is always hooked up to an air canister and also babbles on about the staff out to get him. The other Writing Partner is always wandering around the studio looking for a signal. He or she ultimately trips into the ‘bleed out these inept writers and their mind numbing pilot scripts into a trough room’ and wonders if they’re about to join them. Ho hum. Nothing unusual here.

 

My prediction for this comic is that the Dad ends up like General Zod and co from Superman II in a two dimensional square spiraling through space but this time it’ll be a two dimensional piece of film that will be spiraling over the San Fernando valley. I predict the Son will get an internship with creepy Mogul dude and will be editing Marvel Comics in no time. As you can tell, I really wasn’t psyched to get back into this comic. Turns out my hesitancy was dead on, the second issue bottomed out into a ca ca poo poo fest.

 

Where to start? I mean, this comic reminds me of those ‘Weird Tales’ comics from the 60s or 70s that you’d find in a garage sale in a 25 cents cardboard box when you were a kid. They’d be missing covers and half the book was advertising cheap plastic junk. You’d get your parents to buy you a couple because, hey the ride home is long and boring and how bad could the comic be? How about use it for birthday present wrapping bad? The premise of this story is that there’s a film about an ancient ghoul spirit that takes possession of a soldier in a movie and that soldier brings the ghoul back home with him. A film buff loser dad tracks down the director to find the rest of the film only to find out the ghoul is in the facility and there’s going to be a ritual to set it free at night. Apparently the ghoul comes out every couple centuries when “civilization gets too selfish and rot sets in’. 

 

Great. After the Ghoul wipes out the two dimensional characters in this five dollar shite fest maybe it can head over to Los Angeles for me? I’d like it to begin around 8am at the top of the 405 freeway, make it’s way down to the 10 freeway, then head over to the 110 freeway up to the 101 and then back to the 405. If it still has some rot vacuum in it I’d like it to pop over to City Hall in Downtown and just hook up a sinkhole if possible.

 

The final nail in my comic book reading time for the day that this comic perfectly ruined is when the son goes looking for his dad, who ran on foot from the car back to the facility, and of course stumbles into an underground tunnel. After the basic, hello, anyone there stuff he walks into a couple of ridiculous naked old people and the woman has like 9 tits.

 

 

I mean, is this supposed to freak me out? Biden and Pelosi after a bender? I always knew Pelosi had extra pairs of tits under that dress of hers. Is this a doodle? And what’s with the artist putting his insignia in the corner? Actually he does it several times in the issue! Dude, insignias go on covers not interior art. Who okayed this? It’s bad enough I lost complete interest in the story at this point but now I have to wonder if this full page is for sale?

 

Dammit, and there’s only three issues! This is the second time Synder roped me into his three issue gambit:

 

1.     Hook them with a solid premise first issue

2.     Crap the bed the second issue

3.     They’ll either get the third issue because it’s stupid not to finish the story or not, doesn’t matter we already milked them for two issues that shouldn’t have seen the light of day.

 

He did the same thing on the ‘We Have Demons’ three issue blecchathon that dropped recently. It’s actually brilliant. If you’re watching a 90 minute movie and you’re an hour in and it starts sucking really bad are you going to turn it off or just watch it until the end because you’ve already put in an hour? Of course you watch it to the end! It’s just 30 minutes. It’s just one more issue. Fuck. Marketing wins again. I already pulled the last issue. Dammit.

 

I feel hoodwinked and bamboozled. At the very least can Snyder or Francavilla come clean on the circumstances which gave them a clean look at Biden and Pelosi buck naked in a tunnel in D.C.? Now that would be a three issue comic I’d be all over.

 

Rating: 4.1

Verdict: Suck it up get the last issue and hate yourself for it

NINJA FUNK #1 - Review

  

As stated in previous posts, I root for the little guy in Comics. That doesn’t necessarily mean I support the little guy. The Big Boys are gonna take a lot of flak for putting out junk, looking at you Marvisney, but they’re the Big Boys for a reason and they can take the heat and the losses. What I’m dishing out to them isn’t even heat by their standards it’s more like a ‘What’s that weird smell’ when they exit onto Buena Vista street in Burbank. I was actually in Burbank yesterday for a voiceover gig for a Video Game on Buena Vista street just north of Disney. As I passed their main entrance I rolled down the the window of my Old School 79 Camaro and yelled ‘Stop ruining my childhood comic books Satan!’. Satan then whispered in my ear to give She Hulk on Marvisney Plunk a try; gotta give it up to their persistence.

 

At any rate, look, the market is overflowing with new series and creator owned books; a plethora of ‘ooh what’s this’. Books are all on a short leash, it’s three, four, five maybe six issues and then a ‘hold on’ so they can check the numbers before letting the series continue again at a new Number One issue for it’s “second arc”. Publishers are acting like serial daters on Tinder, just throwing mini series out there like they just purchased a couple hundred ‘Super Likes’. If they get a hit, great, if not, there’s another big bootied creative director in West LA who likes Wine Bars and 90s jams juuuuust around the corner…waiting on a line…that stretches all the way to Greyhound depot in Downtown LA; the fresh off the boat babe choo choo.

 

What that means for us as comic geeks is that we have to be picky. We can’t just snatch up every new shiny series with a bajillion variants or our comic book budget would be in the high three digits every month. So, if you want in on our hallowed pull list you better come with the goody good wowza biznasty or you’re getting your wine loving butterfly tat on the ankle ass dropped. We don’t care how big your office is, it’s an even playing field, streaming, all of it, wow us or buh-bye. I say all of this because Ninja Funk is a shiny new series fresh off the boat with a bottle of chardonnay and a Chinese character tat on the back of its neck vying for my attention. It worked…for a second.

 

So remember when you were in High School and there was that kid who sat in the back of the class all the time? He wore a jean jacket and had a bunch of pins and patches on it? He had longish hair, acne, a bizarre odor. He would never pay attention he would just doodle in his notebook all during class. You’d sit by him sometimes and peer over at his notebook and there’d be all these crazy black and white sketches of weird monsters and aliens and girls with big tits straddling dragons and rocket ships. You would think, ‘hey that’s pretty good’. But you wouldn’t think ‘wow I should talk to my buddy at gym class whose Dad works at DC and have stinky metal weirdo submit his notebook to them'. That’s what it feels like happened here. Stinky Metal Weirdo got his notebook to this new imprint called Whatnot and rather than forward him a discount to The Kubert School of Cartooning and Graphic Art they went ‘Dude! Righteous Scribbles! Let’s pop this puppy out there!’

 

You know you’re in a bit of trouble when the synopsis on the solicits starts off the description of the story by extolling the fact that David Mack is doing a Variant Cover for the book. Honestly, that’s what also hooked me, I love David Mack. Every David Mack cover is a work of art and I wish he would get back to making comics again but that’s another story. Here’s the description:

 

A fun, high stakes adventure weaved together with face-melting beats, Ninja Funk follows a ragtag band of misfits as they attempt to save a universe that's off-key.

 

Now that would have been cool, if they released a free track online of that face-melting beat to read along with the comic. That would have been really interesting. As it stands, I have zero idea what’s happening or what’s going in the first few pages. There’s a cat that’s flying around and pooping on everything, which is triggering to me because there’s wild cats all over my neighborhood doing the same thing; not flying but who knows what’s going on at 4am. The art is straight sketch book misfit vibe from 1995 replete with the babe in the futuristic outfit with the perky boobies. The vibe reminded me of this play by Sam Shepard called ‘Tooth of Crime’ but, you know, without the genius of Sam Shepard. I flipped forward a bit and that was that. I just walked out of this comic like walking out of a movie.

 

I just checked the solicits and there are a ton of new shiny butterfly tat exciting titles coming out next week: there’s a new Kindt, a Bermejo oversized prestige edition, a new fangled Iron Man from Marvisney that I will take a deep breath and take a peek at. So NinjaCatPoop ain’t gonna make it. Ninjafunk sounds like the name of an email address you would get from somebody in the 90s. Like ninjafunk@hotmail or even worse at earthlink.

 

You got a friend request from NinjafunkCatPoop on Friendster! Next up on our battle of the underground Emcees it’s Eminem vs Ninjafunk! You’ve got mail! It’s from CatNinjaLitterBox and it has an attachment, it’s a second issue!  

 

Whatnot publishing. Hmm, maybe they’ve truncated their actual name. Maybe it’s WHATthehellisthisi’mNOTsurewhyIshouldkeepreadingit.

 

Rating: 2.5

Verdict: Drop

ONCE UPON A TIME AT THE END OF THE WORLD #1 - Review

It’s time to enforce a moratorium on apocalyptic dystopian tales of the future. Enough already. No more decimated, radiated, fumigated worlds of debris and bug-out bags. I don’t care how hopeful, endearing, prophetic or alarmist you wanna be, it’s enough. Look we get it, the world’s a bit screwy right now. Yet as Artists not everything has to veer straight into a big ol’ kablooey. Maybe you want a kablooey. Maybe you’re hoping for one. You’re so disgusted by what you see you just think to yourself, let’s just end it and go back to one and then you start writing from there. Don’t. Resist the urge. Rather write from the place of ‘where do we go to create the world we want to from now’. Where are those heroes? I want to read those stories. The collective consciousness may be screaming death, destruction and annihilation but you can emit a solitary peep of ‘look how amazing it can all turn out’.

 

So here we have another ‘the world exploded, it’s empty and junked up’ love story. Honestly this comic could have been called ‘Once upon a time in Downtown Los Angeles last Tuesday’. Downtown LA, or LA in general is about a week away from rowboats careening through zombie sea monsters and Target overstock. Maybe Jason Aaron, the writer, took an Uber from Downtown LA through Echo Park to Hollywood and landed in Venice and thought the entire plot of this story through! I’m glad we can be an inspiration to you Jason. You had about a 22% chance of being kidnapped so it’s a shame that couldn’t be arranged but maybe next time you swing by you’ll get that ‘trapped in a truck on its way to a Luciferian ritual in the desert’ story you know you want to write.

 

The premise: End of the world, butch chick rows boat through end of the world, ends up meeting someone in a high rise who has a bunch of stuff including their dead parents locked up in a room. Butch chick gets stuff and leaves as High Rise person gathers stuff and runs after her. Oh, and there’s a moment where High Rise falls hard in love with Butchy. Cute. First of all, I thought the High Rise chick was a chick until about 3/4 through the book until the captions confirmed he was a dude; totally threw me. I thought I was reading a burgeoning futuristic Lesbo story not a Boyle Heights Babe in Bangs meets Burbank Mop Top Boy with Toys story. I mean, either is fine but High Rise could easily pass for a chick. If this is a pronoun switcheroo and now I’ve become insanely insensitive because I didn’t realize that when they said He they meant Her because He/Her romances are racist and frowned upon unless it’s a He/Her/Them falls for Ze/Zey/Zem who’s got a polyamorous/panpanbangbam thing going with a Xex/Xexem/Xexes, I apologize. Today I saw a a video of a girl with multi-colored hair and a nosering in her 20s complaining that people are just using specific pronouns with her and that they should instead use as many as they can when speaking with her. So now I have to rotate, guess and pepper them in from an approved list when speaking to people, just to be sure? Reason #11373 why I hate to leave the house.

 

The issue ends with a jump ahead again into the future where High Rise now looks like an old dude in a compromising torturous position and…okeedoke! Alexandre Tefenkgi, who was the main artist on the wonderful ‘The Good Asian’, kills it once again with the art so it was a delight taking in the visuals. As mentioned in my most recent review I absolutely loved Jason Aaron’s King Conan story. So, I’m willing to go along for a little bit with Downtown LA in February 2023 based on street cred alone. When I picked up my pull list recently the woman who is my favorite at the shop made a remark that this was actually a really popular comic. Look at me being all hip and with it. You know what else is really popular? Kablooey Books. I say Phooey on your Kablooey! 

 

Rating: 7.7

Verdict: Pull

KING CONAN (2022) #1-6 - Review

 

Conan. Yes. Love. I would consider myself a Conan-sseur, buh dump bump psssh. 

 

I know good Conan from bad Conan like I know good coffee from cheap crappy coffee. I have the novels, the magazines, the old school Marvel comics, the wrinkled ragged black and white Savage Sword magazines, the Dark Horse compendums, the movies on VHS; all of it. When Marvel reacquired the Conan license I was…concerned. Conan didn’t really fit in the new Disney Marvel Universe. He’s an unapologetic asshole/womanizer who wouldn’t think twice about slicing the head off of a wizard. If he was left to roam in the Marvel offices he wouldn’t find any wizards but he’d find CGI animators and he’d probably lop their heads off and throw a hipster editorial chick over his shoulder while crashing through a window; just because.

 

Marvel predictably celebrated his return and promised oodles of new Conan tales by creators who loved and honored his legacy, mm hmm. The first offerings out of the chute by Marvel were…mnyeh. They weren’t bad but they weren’t wow. The reboot of the Conan the Barbarian title was simplistic, formulaic and didn’t really offer up any new insight or angle towards the character. It was like they just acquired a wonky European car and took it around the Burbank neighborhood for a spin or two. I dropped it from my pull list. Meanwhile, over at Ablaze Comics they were reprinting old Robert E Howard Conan stories and illustrating them over the course of three issues. Since the stories were in public domain due to being published over 75 years ago they got away with it. They named the comics ‘The Cimmerian’ instead of Conan and promised an uncensored brutal Conan unlike ever before. The comics were hit and miss, some great some not but what made them special is that they reprinted the actual stories in the back of the comics for you to read which was great. So I was happy to get my Conan fix from them until Marvel came along with King Conan.

 

King Conan’s creative team of Aaron, Asrar and Wilson were fantastic and well, they just got it. They keyed into the essence of the entire Conan dynamic and the start of the series was pure Conan yumminess. It was a great premise: King Conan and his arch nemesis Thoth-Amon were stranded on an island in the middle of nowhere haunted by Zombie shipmen and pirates who had crashed there over the years. The Zombies were led by some crazy sorceress chick who was cursed to remain on the island forever and Conan and Thoth were forced to join forces in order to defeat the psycho wizard babe. The creative team balanced that story with a story of Conan and his son dueling their wits and brawn over the future of the crown of Aquilonia. Fuck. Yes. Now, this series ended months upon months ago but the reason I’m just getting to it now is because of my comic book shop.

 

My local comic book shop is a tiny hole in the wall on Melrose and they get shorted books all of the time. I suppose it’s distributors or publishing companies figuring that if they screw this shop over nothing’s going to happen to them, and they’re right. If you’re a tiny store of anything who cares if you don’t get what you need to sell, you’re tiny, wah wah wah, you’re not paying our logistic bills. Just die and become a Target already jeez. Welcome to the modern world of retail. At any rate, my King Conan #4 didn’t ship and it took forever to come in. I finally got it and the remaining issues of the series recently and so here we are, and…holy fookamoley, this story gets uhhhhmayzingly good. Dude.

 

Issue 4 was a Daddy Son emotional heart bomb of a story I was not expecting. I don’t think I’ve ever seen the King/Prince Conan relationship done in such a way. The final panel was kind of a tearjerker, not gonna lie. I had to turn the book over and look at the cover, this is Marvel right? Is Marvel hitting a homerun here? Issue 5 presented a Thoth Amon origin story that was so on the money I wish there was a Conan Evil Wizard story Award I could bestow upon this comic. I think that should be an awards show: Evil Villains and Asshole Awards. Like, let’s acknowledge all the great actors and characters that make up the antagonists of the world. Either that or just stream any conference the World Economic Forum is having where Klaus Anal Schwab is talking; my goodness that guy needs to be hunted by Bond and thrown to some sharks or ejected into space while going Booooooooooonddddd!

 

The climactic issue of this series just brought everything home, it was like a Conan cupcake in a baking competition that someone was tasked to bake and who won the cupcake of the week or whatever. Seriously, why can’t a shop in LA just recreate all the pastries, cakes, cookies and whatever that they do on these baking shows so I can eat all of them? It’s pastry porn and I’m tired of the visual masturbation I want the real thing Food Network et al! So the final panel has Conan sailing off into the distance and immediately I go…oh fuck, no way! I turn to the letters column and read the send off of the editor and sure enough…they’re cancelling this series. WHAT? WHY? Why on earth would you cancel the best Conan comic that’s come down the pike since Brian Wood? What the hell Marvel? You finally hit a homerun and retire the book? Was this written by Roy Hobbs? Oh wait a minute I know why…

 

It’s Conan isn’t it? He doesn’t fit in the new Marvel Way? Him and his toxic masculinity? Were there discussions to paint his hair blue and put him in a tutu??? Can’t have a guy slashing his way through life and banging whomever he wants right? Maybe he needs to get with the new Hulk and a have a good cry before he gets a title again. Jeez, so there’s no more Conan books! You fucking cancelled Conan! After a genius story! That may or may not have had me sob a bit. WTF???

 

I calmed down and did a bit of googlyboogly and saw an article that said Marvel’s letting the license for Conan expire and Titan Books is picking up the rights to publish new material. Okay, I’ve calmed down a little bit more but seriously Marvel? Do you have a problem creating amazing comics? Stan Lee's sign off was Excelsior! Which loosely translates to ever upward. Have you changed your saying to Ordinarius! While we’re on the subject of a new home for Conan have we really cancelled Brian Wood forever?

 

Brian Wood’s run on Dark Horse was the greatest Conan run in recent memory. Now, apparently he did some yucky things to women. I daresay it wasn’t Harvey Weinstein yucky but yucky nonetheless, so, is that it? No more Brian Wood comics? Titan can you call Brian and maybe work out a mea culpa or something? Have a female creative/editorial team surround him and love and lead him on the right path? I did some digging on Brian Wood’s accusations and it’s a lot of him being a douchebag in a bar. Okay, I mean if we’re going to disallow bar douchebags from working I think we’d lose 80% of our entire government at every level and probably 90% of our professional athletes and musicians. Now Brian also did this while he was married with a pregnant wife or girlfriend, not sure, okay, so, clearly d-bag a-hole, fine. But he can’t work anymore? He’s untouchable? Has the market made that determination or social media?

 

Here’s another woman who came out as another accuser of Brian Wood. This is her story:

 

Brian Wood does D Bag Stuff

 

So, lemme get this straight. You clearly are low self worth needing validation. You meet this guy at a bar, you’re psyched, he takes you around the block, he goes to kiss you, you say no, he says okay, takes you back to the bar. Later on he says ‘Yeah this chick wanted me but I said no’. Mmkay. So, dick move? Yes. But, don’t you ever set foot in a Comic Book office again move? Read what she wrote. What do you think?

 

Anyway, phew, I’m whooped. Titan, come with that roughneck Conan bidness boyee. The world needs Conan. The world will always need Conan and by Crom you’ll never get rid of him! 

 

Rating: 9.5

Verdict: #FreeConanfromDisney’sClutches