I went to college at NYU many many moons ago. I was in the acting program and one summer we took a production that we had created within our program to an international theater festival in Amsterdam. Yes, all the clichés and expectations one would think of having a bunch of randy actors let loose in Amsterdam in the 90s were true. However, yours truly was and still is not at all interested in the drinky, druggy, smoky stuff. So while many were indulging in the pure hedonistic release one would expect of an artist in their early 20s, I was the lone teetotaler. The ‘no, thank you, I’m good’ weirdo. I hit the museums, wandered the cobbled streets, searched for good loose leaf tea and avoided the temptations.
Of course it became patently obvious to my collegiate colleagues that I wasn’t joining in with their debauchery. I had to do something for goodness sake. It’s Amsterdam! So after a few days it was somehow decided by the group that I had to be convinced to go to the Red Light District and hook up with a hooker. I was the Prince guy. Dude, we’re literally in Erotic City! Go bang a ho, it’s legal! Now, at this point I was still a virgin so I wasn’t too keen on having my first ever be some pay for play European chick behind a fucking window. Yet the clamoring from behind the smoky haze of hashish didn’t stop so one night I relented and went by myself to the Red Light District.
To my surprise it was packed. I found it bizarre that an area dedicated to sex and chicks shaking their stuff behind neon windows was somewhat of a tourist attraction. Now, having lived in New York for so long I was used to streetwalkers, nudie film houses and xxx shops but this was different. It was cleaner and, I dunno, a Rite Aid for Pussy? So, I sighed and went shopping for ass. Yeah, it was not as glamorous and exciting as I thought it would be. I mean, the fantasy is that drop dead gorgeous girls are wiggling and smiling in their booths, beckoning for you to come inside and have the time of your life but that wasn’t the case it all. It felt like everyone was bored out of their minds just sitting there. This was way before iPhones, so there wasn’t anything that they could do while waiting for a customer other than just hang out. I mean, sure, some were working it but for the most part, well, I kinda felt bad for these women.
I ultimately decided I had had enough and was making my way back to the hotel when I came upon a side street and there was a lone window at the corner. I approached it and, holy bejeezus, this woman was unbelievably beautiful. She looked like a Victoria Secret model. I started huffing and puffing, I was going to blow that window down. I sheepishly approached, she noticed me, sized me up, wiggled her fingers hi while delicately smiling at me and then went back to staring at the floor. I noticed a placard on the edge of the window and took a looksee…it was a menu. A sex menu. Like, if you wanna do this it’s this much, if you wanna do this it’s this much etc.
Now look, I’m Jewish, okay. Once you start quoting me prices Jewnomics are officially in full effect. So it went from a possible sexy life changing encounter to wondering if I just wanted an appetizer, a steak or the tiramisu. Now instead of flirting I'm calculating time, space, dickstance and if you can haggle with a hooker. And well, that was that, I walked away. I mean, if I had gone inside I totally would have been trying my best to get the best bang for my buck! This is why I’ve never been with a hooker because I know her intention is to get me to finish as quickly as possible while mine would be to squeeze every drop out of the hour, if it was an hour.
Like, if I was about to blow ten minutes in then I’m running to the bathroom and calming down and I bet she’d be running after me to try and get me to finish. I’m not cumming until 59 minutes and 59 seconds baby! Get away from me! I’m thinking of maggots and mold and my 8th grade Math Teacher Mrs. Panacelli, get thee gone!
Anyway, this comic. Well, obviously I was intrigued by the Red Light and thongy tushy cover. So the premises is this: there’s a brothel made up of AI Hookers and one AI Hooker is the darling of the dude who created the brothel. Of course she’s the best one and ‘feels’ more than the others do. Sure, whatever. The hookers are pretty much abused to the point that clients are breaking their body parts (only to be fixed like a mechanical vehicle later) and they’re not allowed to leave. So, pretty much just like anywhere else. The guy who put this whole operation together apparently had his wife die recently so his reaction was to create an AI Hooker chick who looks just like her. Once a week he invites his AI Hooker Wife upstairs to dine at a fancy table and then to get banged with a view of the city.
So
my first question is, if we’re talking about AI Robot Hookers, why the secrecy?
Like, is AI Pussy just as illegal as Human Pussy? Like, shouldn’t it be viewed
the same way a Video Game Arcade is viewed? Instead of let’s go play Donkey
Kong let’s go bang Honey Wong 3.0. I get that the whole argument of whether or
not AI has a soul or can develop one is a thing but I’d definitely lean on the
side of ‘a program/algorithm is a program/algorithm’. It just feels like this
brothel is some underground illicit operation which doesn’t make sense to me if
we’re just talking booty machines. I mean, that's a really interesting question. If AI Robot Hookers are walking the streets can you arrest them for prostitution?
Second, so, you’re telling me that a guy loses his wife and what he decides to do is recreate her as a robot hooker so he can make money off her while taking a crack at her once a week? Yeesh, was he in love with his wife? That’s one seriously fucked up way of showing it: “Baby, if I ever lose you I’m gonna have someone Frankenstein your ass, literally, and have the world tap it’. I mean look at this guy:
Serious Douchebag-aroonski. Here's the thing. A guy like this is not going to put all this energy into creating a Robot Cooch Empire. He can 'I'm a Wealthy Asshole' himself into any pair of panties that he wants. You know who would create a Cooch Empire, a nerdy, skinny, loser POS who hates humanity and hasn't been laid in ages. I'm thinking somebody like that cringy fuckwad from the World Economic Forum that hates humans and wants to feed the world bugs: Yuval Harari.
Yeah, this dude. This dude is the kind of dude that makes an AI Hooker Brothel. He should be the D Bag that sends for the AI Hooker once a week to dine and bang.
Interestingly enough, in the back matter the writer gives quite the vulnerable explanation of her experiences with men and what her approach was to this comic. She confesses that her choice of men is so bad that her therapist told her to run in the opposite direction whenever she feels something for a dude. This is her. What a cutie:
So in some way, our Hooker chick is our writer. Look here cute Asian babe, I am totally rooting for you to escape this Douchebag Paradise and find your way to a coffee date with a nerdy nice guy like me. If Ms AI Hooker can do that I will crown you comic book of the millennium! Like, it’s a 4 issue series, so if in issue 4 she’s in sweats on a couch rooting for a skinny guy’s fantasy football team while her AI program is figuring out what sandwich to make for him next then that would be a story for the ages! That would get the AI Hooker industry off to a rip roaring start ‘No, no, they’re not AI Pussy Robots, they’re AI GFE Babes who are awesome cooks and like vanilla sex’. I think that’s gotta be the selling point for the Tucchus Machines.
Mnyeh, this was okay. Priscilla Petraites art was pretty damn good and definitely elevated the story. Usually AWA, Scout or Boom comics have really cheesy art, but then again now all Marvisney and most DC books have cheesy art so clearly the lines have blurred. I'll come along for the ride Cute Asian Writer Babe if only to say:
'Hey is the new AI Hooker vs The Douchebag comic out this week?'
Rating: 7.1
Verdict: Pull
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