CONAN THE BARBARIAN #1 - Review

 

I drive a 1979 Camaro. It’s my only vehicle. I used to own a fancy shmancy Lexus but I got into an accident last summer that completely totaled the vehicle; the front of it looked like an accordion. It was a miracle I walked away from the car all but unscathed. My Camaro is my dream car. There’s a whole story about how I found it ten years ago, which I’ll save for another day but it was completely non-operational when I got it. The breaks didn’t work, it didn’t start, it took years until it did. After my accident I had two options, get a new or used car or, hmm, what if I just get my Camaro fixed up again? The car market is awful, my credit sucks, why not drive my dream car full time? So I did just that. It’s been a bumpy ride for sure. There were many months that the car stalled doing basic turns or by just idling at a traffic light but recently I had some work done on it; work that I thought was inconsequential. Well, turns out the work was the fountain of youth because now it runs like a dream.

 

When I drive this car, well, I feel like a man. I feel human. I feel like, yeah, this is what it’s supposed to feel like when you drive a car. Now, it still needs a lot of work and doesn’t have a horn or a radio or air conditioning etc. BUT it feels amazing. It’s also the safest car I’ve ever driven. I mean, this thing is pretty much Detroit Bad Ass Steel and Iron, it’s a fucking tank. If one of these new cheap fiberglass cars rams into me I might get a dent but their plastic microchipped car is going to fall apart. The cars on the road now are computers on wheels that do everything for you. Press a button and off you go. The EVs are even more ridiculous. First of all, the notion that you’re saving the planet with them is a complete scam, and, it feels like you’re driving a Roomba with a radio and four seats. You can have them. Give me a pair of keys that I have to stick in an ignition to start my car, where the engine hums like a gentle giant. That’s a car.

 

I say all this because it feels like humans are moving in two different directions right now. Some are diving headfirst into technology: AR, VR, AI, the whole megillah. Their lives are governed by devices from morning until night, if they can even differentiate between that anymore. Then there’s the rest of humanity who are retreating away from the Machine and returning to a simpler way of life. They’re buying vinyl records, gardening, getting a landline again, finding their way back to nature and the way things used to be. 

 

I say all of this in a comic book review because, well, I think we’ve lost our way when it comes to our comic book heroes. They’ve become hollow digital automatons in stories that veer far far away from the essence of who these characters were.  Sure there’s good stories out there, every now and then. But the Big 2 in general have become the Big Poo. I can’t put my finger on exactly why, but their comics have become all but unreadable. They feel cheap. They feel like they’re trying to do to much. They feel like they’re just a cog in a machine. The art feels computerized. The stories feel like they’ve been pumped out by an algorithm. There’s something deeply unsatisfying when you finish a series; it feels like you just got taken advantage of. Like you open a comic book and there’s some invisible claw that grabs your junk. I mean, if the publisher was called ‘Grab Your Junk Comics’ okay, fine, I’m asking for it, but a regular old Moon Knight or Batman or Spidey or Hulk shouldn’t make you feel like you just got roofied. Maybe the MeToo movement is going to be replaced by the Big Poo movement. A harsh reaction to DC and Marvisney violated out comic book private parts.

 

I say all of this in a Conan review because, well, this book had hope. They dropped several pages of the prelude of this comic in a Free Comic Book Day book and it looked and felt unbelievable. It looked and felt like what a Conan comic should look like. It was like an Organic, Non-GMO, locally sourced comic free of fillers and micro chips. The hearts of Conan fans and possibly comic book purists must have skipped a beat upon laying eyes on the pages in the FCBD release. It was not hurdling towards some ridiculous reimagining of the character, it was not tied into an upcoming plus network’s TV line-up, it did not have the stank of an unimaginative suit sitting in an office with their minions supping at their anus for paychecks and validation. No, this felt real.

 

That being said, it took me forever to get to it! I know, the second issue is already out! What took me so long! Look, I was nervous! This comic had to be amazing. It had no margin for error, it could not disappoint. It felt like the fate of the comic book universe hinged upon its pages. The Conan license was snatched from the evil clutches of Marvisney by a small independent publisher who vowed to honor the character in a way that harkened back to its origins. Who knew what Titan Publishing had to do to get this out of Marvisney’s clutches? Did they have to venture with torches and machetes in hand to the catacombs under Disney Land? Did they have to confront a naked and frothing at the mouth Bob Iger and C.B. Cebulski in their fetish gear and riding crops? Did they tie the both of them in their Thor and Darth Vader sex swings and force to them to sign over the rights to Conan??? I bet. I bet it was even worse than what I just described.

 

So this comic had to deliver the goods. Because if it didn’t then it was all for naught. So this comic sat next to me for weeks. I anxiously wringed my hands and whined every time I laid eyes on it. If this was a dud what did I have to look forward to? Another mind boggling Monstress comic??? Ooh look, a new Black Label Batman book, some Gargoyle thing that was getting lambasted by reviewers. Awesome, can’t wait to be let down by that. Ooh, a new Daredevil #1 for the 85th time in the past 5 years. A new #1 with a seven fucking dollar price tag! Yeah, I’m sure that’s going to over deliver and wow me, right? A new Wonder Woman came out this week, I’m weeping just thinking about opening it. Sure, Tom King is literally murdering it on ‘Love Everlasting’ one of the best of the year, but, I dunno, he goes to work for DC and they somehow render his books into mush. It’s like they want his comics at DC to give you migraines; they must have a Big Pharma clause wrapped up in his contract.

 

Oh Conan, please be amazing. Please make me love you. Please make me remember what it’s like to actually read a great ‘Hero’ comic book again. It’s been too long. I feel like I’ve treated this Conan comic the way I treat a girl that I match with who is way out of my league. Like, I wait forever to actually message her, because the message has to be perfect. It has to be perfect so that when she doesn’t respond and unmatches with me I know that I gave her the best message she’s ever had. Yeah, my dating life is pathetic, but this comic, this comic messaged me back. This comic made me fall back in love with comics again.

 

It was so wonderful that I have to show you exactly what I’m talking about in an unprecedented personal video that I’m making exclusively for this blog. Something I’ve never done before. Here is the link:

 

 Conan #1 Video Review!

 

 

 

As for the story? They've got the makings of an amazing Conan adventure. I will say the 'Zombie' element that they've introduced feels a bit mnyeh. Like, they could have saved the Zombie story for a second or third arc but I trust this creative team to knock it out of the park and turn it into something special.

 

A Bitchin' Camaro, a real Conan Comic and Marvisney stock falling by the day. Life is Good.

 

 

Rating: 9.8

Verdict: Pull! Praise Crom!

DAREDEVIL #14 - Review

 

You always want to check in on your ex after you have a break up. You don’t want to actually talk or text with them, you just want to peek around the corner and see how they’re doing now that you’re no longer together. Deep down you probably want to make sure they’re okay, but not too okay. You want to see that they’re a bit sad but not too sad. You don’t want to see them strung out and hookin’ on Hollywood Blvd after your break-up which would clearly be laid at your feet as your fault. Even if you countered and said ‘I always knew she had a bit of dat street ho in her’ it wouldn’t matter, you’d be the asshole.

 

You also don’t want to see her flying around in a private jet and sipping champagne with some Saudi Prince as they look at their pics from their recent vacay at Sardinia. No, that would suck. She would always talk about starting a fashion line while you were together, but I mean, you don’t want her clothes being modeled on the cat walk at Milan just months after you stopped seeing each other. You don’t want her raking in millions while you’re wondering if she’s ever going to pay you back for when you took care of her new transmission back in the day. I think the actual state of being you want your ex to be in is miserable, numb yet functional; at least for like 6 months.

 

As many of you who follow this word drop know, I broke up with Daredevil 6  months ago. I couldn’t take it anymore. My final DD headache was reviewed here (link to review). I had enough with this meandering gloop of a story on an island with second rate losers and a WTF Elektra/Daredevil marriage. Oy, the whining and the moaning of everyone in this comic got to be too much even for this seasoned pro on whining and carping. Of course, I couldn’t really stay away. I had to, you know, I had to make sure it still sucked. Like, I couldn’t just let it take off and turn into a Bendis-Maleev type run! I couldn’t have Zdarsky flying around on Kendall Jenner’s jet eating sushi off her navel while sales of this fecuchte book went through the roof! Suffer Zdarsky! Suffer you reductive ninny! You’ve ruined two of my favorite comics! Bats and DD! What’s next??? Oh no you don’t, don’t you even think of driving over to the valley and having lunch with BKV to talk about writing a few ‘special issues’ during Saga’s inevitable break that must be coming like, tomorrow. STAY AWAY FROM BRIAN AND FIONA CHIP!

 

So, you know, I had to, you know, rifle through some Double D pages when I hit my LCS to grab my books. Yeah, I know, it was quite creepy. I’d show up in a trench coat, cheap sunglasses, a visor (a fedora was way too hot) and some latex gloves. I realize now it was a silly get up since my dog was still with me and I go everywhere with her; clearly it was me. 

 

There I was in the back of the shop, like a pervert in an Adult Video Palace in Times Square in the 80s, glancing left and right to make sure nobody saw me as I snatched a copy of the latest Daredevil and rifled through it’s grimy pages. I might as well have been looking at some smut, like the Tucchus Escapades of some Anal Queen, but no, I was reading Zdarsky porn. I grunted and wheezed, spit bubbles formed and popped in front of my face:

 

‘What the fuck is Daredevil doing, he’s going to hell? He’s got to go hell? Wait, Elektra killed him? Where’s the fucking? She would obviously fuck him and then kill him! Chip, you’re ruining Elektra! She’s not the Bride in Kill Bill, Chip!!!’

 

Slowly, slowly the issues got better until there he was, Daredevil in that White Suit, marching into hell to save his friends. It was pretty good. It wasn’t mind blowingly amazing as some made it out to be. It wasn’t a Saudi Prince on a Jet with an International Fashion Line good. It was a Douchebag with a weed habit from Calabasas in an Uber Black with a trending Insta page good.

 

As I wiped the froth from my mouth with the back of my hand and stuffed Issue #13 back into the comic book rack after it defiled my eyes and soiled my comic book life, I got to thinking:

 

Hey, wait a minute, this is just like Scott Snyder in ‘Night of the Ghoul’ where that story was an allegory for his discovery on how the industry really worked while writing for Batman. This comic isn’t supposed to be taken literally! This is an allegory for what Chip has had to endure in order to free himself from the clutches of Marvisney! It makes so much sense now. Clearly the Beast is just a representation of the deep dark evil that everyone who works at Marvisney prays to on a daily basis. Look at this fucking thing:

 

That’s who’s commanding the human dillweeds in Burbank to pump out more Star Wars junk and to run the MCU into the ground until it’s a pile of steaming dung.

 

So when Daredevil was traveling into hell to free his friends that was Chip! He somehow escaped from the dungeons under Disney Land and found his way to catacombs under Iger’s house where his original creative team was! Him rescuing them and filming the entire episode was the blackmail material that he used to stop this book from being written by AI Chip! It all makes sooo much sense!

 

You wanna know how I know that the real Chip is back on this book. Look at Foggy, look at how he’s drawn in this issue:

 

Who does that actually look like to you? It’s Ron DeSantis! Tell me that isn’t a spitting image of Ron DeSancti-fuckin-monious! With red hair! Totally RDS! That’s a classic Zdarksy 'Sex Criminals' move. This is him telling Marco to draw Foggy this way so that those who know the truth can see his victory. DeSchmuckis is symbolic of the fight he had to take to the heart of Disney since DeSchmuckis is also fighting Disney. Chip probably knew that Satan would absolutely haaaaate this, which is why he made Marco draw it.

 

This issue wasn’t spectacular, but it had soul. You could feel it. Soul, it’s what has been intentionally scrapped from all of Marvisney’s comics, yet Zdarsky somehow put on his Hero Boxer Briefs and scored a victory over the real beast of the Entertainment Industry. There was a whole lotta love poured into the final issue of this DD Zdarsky run. It’s heartwarming to see that he finally got to finish this the way he would have wanted the whole series to go. Beyond the Mega Event, beyond the Island with Loser Characters and Garbage Plot Points, beyond the clutches of true evil.

 

Clearly, Warner Bros. is still using Chip AI to write the Batman comic. Maybe that’s where he’s going next. Maybe he’s picking Matt Fraction up in the Dumb & Dumber 'Shaggin Wagon'!

 

Together they’re gonna stop time in the DC Offices and poop on everybody’s desk before smashing the main frame that generates the Chip AI. Maybe they’ll turn on an enormous Spooge Generator while time is stopped in the DC offices and when time starts up again everyone working on the Bat Books will get a facial; aww man, classic Chip & Matt.

 

I’m sure the new creative team for this title is already undergoing electric shock therapy and sleep deprivation that’s being given to them by a naked and manic Bob Iger in his bunker in the Mojave Desert. Maybe he’ll let them pump out a good issue or two before he turns on the AI for them. Whatever he does, let him, we know that Chip got the best of that son of a bitch and that’s all that matters.

 

So I am getting back together with Daredevil? Nah. I mean, we knocked boots, fo sho, a little ex comic sex, no doubt. But it’s still being run by a bunch of soulless psychopaths. I’ll take the next first issue out to dinner, make nice nice with it. My goodness, the next #1 issue of this series is 7 fucking dollars! Well, you know what they say, make-up sex is always gonna cost you.

Rating: 8.4

Verdict: Zdarsky triumphs over Evil

MURDER BY MAIL #1 - Review

When I was growing up there were these books called ‘Choose Your Own Adventures’, I absolutely loved them, gobbled them up. It was a simple premise: At certain points, during whatever story you were reading, you would get to a juncture where you were given a choice. Usually the question would center around the main character and be directional or action based, go this way or that way or do this or do that. Depending on what you chose to do it would give you a page number and you would flip ahead, or sometimes back, to that page number to continue the story. This would eventually take you to the ending which was different every time depending on what choices you made. This was one of those old school books.

 

Apparently a new publisher called ‘Chooseco’ are currently releasing these types of books. I hope they’re popular with kids. Thinking back on it now, it was quite an existential experience to have and learn as a kid even if you didn’t think you were learning anything. It basically taught you that different choices have different outcomes and create different circumstances that will ultimately lead you to different endings. One would think this concept would work wonderfully in today’s entertainment environment. I know there was the whole Black Mirror: Bandersnatch thing which was, mnyeh, nothing great. It was actually a maddening experience that I didn’t necessarily enjoy. I remember the ending being blah and that it was hard to actually get to a good ending based on what choices you made.

.

Netflix also just released ‘Choose Love’ a week ago, a rom-com movie where you make decisions along the way for the lead cutesy girl as to who she should end up with. I haven’t seen it yet but it looks, well, yeah looks goofy. It’s not getting good reviews at all. There’s a scene in the trailer where she comes upon an old flame and they’re sitting at a bench and you’re given an option to either A. Kiss him or B. Not kiss him. Clearly they’re not trying to be realistic other options should pop up like:

 

C. Start scrolling your Insta and answer DMs to appear disinterested while also being honest about your screen addiction

 

D. Go to kiss him then punch him in the face for trying to cause drama with your man. Then call him a scoundrel or racist, or both.

 

E. Tell him that he should meet up with your bestie who’s got an amazing personality. When he asks what she looks like you can: 

 

1. Lie and say she’s hot

2. Say she’s body positive

3. Kiss him, make a noise and say ‘Wrong Answer Nazi!’, then leave.

 

F. Start making sounds like Beaker does from the Muppets and bounce away from him.

 

 

 

I mean c’mon! Give us some realistic choices here! If they were smart they would make a Mystery or Adventure ‘Choose your own Adventure’, those pair very well with the genre. Imagine enjoying a Goonies type movie and making choices for each and every pivotal moment. I suppose that’s too obvious for the suits.

 

Anyway, I thought that this comic was going to be some sort of choose your own adventure comic. It claimed that it was a “groundbreaking new series offers readers a unique and immersive storytelling experience”. Yeah, not so much. It was aight, immersive and interactive? Not even close. Okay, so if immersive and interactive is like ‘Here put on this fat red tomato body suit on and these VR goggles. Oh by the way, actors are going be making attempts to thwack at your knees and ankles for an hour straight’ that is immersive and interactive. This is like sitting down to a desk and looking and reading some stuff about a murder. Groundbreaking? Dude.

 

Could we expect anything more from Source Point Press? This may be the first book I’ve ever bought by this publisher. If you go to their website, seems like all they do is print horror, pulp or wackadoodly doo comics, not really my steelo. As I keep saying, I’m flailing around as I pull books these days. I’m just looking for something, anything, to blow me away. Doesn’t matter where it comes from, just, like, do some cool shit, ya know?

 

I think this had a lot of potential but it just turned into a run of the mill murder type thing. The writing was kind of pedestrian, it almost felt like a YA book; like some cheesy Nancy Drew type ish. I will say that the layouts and way that it was all presented was very well done even if the text and story line wasn’t so riveting. There were phone call transcripts, interviews, pictures, a map etc. Whoever was in charge of the layouts and design they did a fantastic job. They made a big point at the beginning of the book to tell you as the reader to only look at pages that had ‘Action’ at the top in green before doing anything else because it would ruin the ending. The problem with it was that all of the pages were action pages until the very end so it didn’t matter whether you listened to them or not. If you read the book linearly, and there’d be no reason not to otherwise, you’d end up at the end where it tells you to stop and solve the mystery before you turn the page for the reveal.’

 

Ho hum.

 

They could have done waaaay more with this comic. They could have included links or set up a website with videos such as surveillance/interview footage. They could have linked this to fake social media accounts or had you use some sort of Google Earth facsimile to zero in on where this took place. There’s just so many ways to get creative about an interactive mystery these days, that would have been groundbreaking. How the fuck is it groundbreaking to include all these images and transcripts and ask us to solve the murder mystery? I can’t imagine anyone putting this book down and calling or texting someone ‘Dude I just read this ground-fucking-breaking mystery!’. Look, I get it, when you’re one of the smaller publishing guys you gotta hype your stuff up a bit more. OR, hear me out, or you could actually make it groundbreaking and truly interactive.

 

Apparently you can sign up for text messages where they send you hints and clues about the upcoming mysteries; that’s kinda cool. What they’re doing is they’re making each subsequent issue another murder mystery to solve that connects to every issue as part of a horror-verse. That’s all well and good but first of all, I don’t feel like I just roleplayed a detective I just read about one doing what they do. Secondly, no matter what I though the answer was to the mystery it wasn’t going to change anything once I turned to the reveal. Like, I dunno, put some choose your own adventure type jammy into the mix. Third, the reveal felt really far fetched. Like, I could see how this could be the answer to the mystery but in no way, after going back over everything, was it clear that the murderer was who they said it was.

 

Look, this was really great idea but as with everything it all comes down to the execution. Maybe Image can pick up the mantle of doing an immersive book and knock one out of the park. There’s a lot of imaginative intersections you can have with a comic book, the internet, social media and the real world. It’s just gonna take a real bad ass to make those connections. The dude behind this? Not really a bad ass.

 

I’ve got a new Choose Your Own Adventure story. It’s called ‘The Mystery of the Local Comic Book Shop’. Here’s an excerpt:

 

After walking your little doggie around the block and avoiding the tempting but over priced coffee shop that drains your wallet on the regular you waltz into your favorite local comic book shop. You unhook your doggie’s leash so she can happily roam and sniff the declining book sales as you peruse the racks for that gem of a story that your life has been missing. As you look at the comics for sale you can either:

 

A.  Grab all the Marvisney books, place them all over the floor and hope your doggie pees all over them even though she never pees inside and emptied the tank already.

 

B.    Snatch all the Bat Books from the racks, hold them up to sky and wail ‘Why Must Thou Suck So Bad!!!’

 

C.     Blindly grab all the Image Books off the rack and assume that one or more of them will provide you a satisfactory comic experience.

 

D.    Squint your eyes at all the publishers not named DC, Marvisney and Image and growl ‘What the fuck are these garbage pages?’

 

E.     All of the Above.

 

Once you complete your task you exit the comic book store. This time you fail to avoid the over priced coffee shop and proceed to spend $40 on a bag of organic coffee beans, a vegan donut and a cinnamon bun the size of your head.

 

 

Rating: 5.7

Verdict: Drop

A VICIOUS CIRCLE #2 - Review

 

A Vicious Circle is back! It took them a whopping 8 months to come out with the second installment but my goodness, it so majestically beautiful in its prestige format; definitely worth the wait. Lee Bermejo must be an Alien who decided to go incognito upon arriving here. He milled about humanity but for some reason he ended up a comic book artist and now his Alien Art Techniques have made it onto the page. Thankfully Mattson Tomlin is keeping up with this generational intergalactic talent by weaving a super cool and highly engaging sci-fi tale for the ages.

 

This issue was more of a back story issue rather than a plot forward issue but who cares, it could be about doing the laundry and Bermejo could keep you riveted for hours with his line work. I think this is a 3 issue series, shame, this needs to be like, I dunno, 12 or something. Pull a Saga and stretch it out for ten years or so. By then we will have been invaded or disclosure will be in full effect and they can get an Alien Editorial team to take over the slow of brain Boom dudes who are probably unsure of how to release the best thing to hit the stands in over a year.

 

I fully blame the Boom! suits for taking 8 months to release issue #2 not the creative team. I just don’t think they’re used to having such an unbelievable book on their roster. I can imagine that when the first issue came out the Head of the Company lost his shit and made a big scene about it. Probably went something like this:

 

 

The Head CEO Big Whig of Boom! Comics bursts into a Boom! Conference Room where a couple of lackeys sit along with the resident Wise Ass who got the job because he knows someone who knows someone.

 

CEO: What the hell is this?

 

Lackey #1: What’s what?

 

CEO: This!

 

He tosses a copy of ‘A Vicious Circle #1’ on the table.

 

CEO: Is this thing ours?

 

Lackey #1: Yeah, big hit.

 

CEO: Look at these pages, they’re amazing, this is fucking real art!

 

Lackey #2: Is that a problem boss?

 

CEO: Well, yeah makes all our other books look like shit.

 

Huey: Because they are shit

 

CEO: Shut the fuck up Huey. Who is this Bermejo guy, how much are we paying him?

 

Lackey #1: Not much.

 

CEO: Not much? We got Picasso on the cheap?

 

Lackey #2: He hasn’t worked since the Bat cock scandal, so he took what we gave him.

 

CEO: Bat cock scandal?

 

Lackey #1: You don’t know about the bat cock?

 

CEO: What bat cock?

 

Lackey #2: He drew Batman’s cock.

 

CEO: What? Where? How?

 

Lackey #2: In a bat book, Black Label’s first book several years ago, forget the name.

 

CEO: Waddya mean he drew his – what? Like Disney draws subliminal dicks on everything?

 

Lackey #1: No you could see it.

 

Huey: I’ve heard if you melt a pair of Mickey Mouse Ears it turns into a puddle that looks like a dick.

 

Boom! Comics Receptionist pops her head in.

 

Receptionist: Shut the fuck up Huey.

 

CEO: Wait, was it hard, the bat dick?

 

Lackey #1: No, flaccid.

 

Lackey #2: It was kinda like a silhouette

 

CEO: A flaccid silhouette bat cock, hmph.

 

Lackey #1: You missed all this?

 

CEO: How did this guy not get cancelled?

 

Lackey #2: Books were selling like hotcakes.

 

Lackey #1: They were going for $150 on eBay

 

CEO: $150. Fuck me. Did anyone get canned?

 

Lackey #1: DC suits did, this Bermejo guy walked but became untouchable.

 

Huey: Fucking Brian Wood gets cancelled for feeling up average looking comic book chick employees and this Bermejo guy goes scott free for drawing a legendary hero’s dick for the first time ever, makes no sense.

 

Lackey #2: Maybe those average comic book chicks wanted to see the Bat Dizzle

 

Lackey #1: Maybe that was part of the Wood settlement, cancel Wood and draw the B-Peen.

 

CEO: Jeez 150 a book. [beat] Do we have any cocks we can draw?

 

Lackey #1: You want us to draw cocks?

 

CEO: How about Keanu’s on that Brzrkr book?

 

Lackey #2: You think people wanna see Keanu’s cock? He’s like 80 years old.

 

Huey: I give that no more than 40 bucks on eBay.

 

CEO: How about Power Rangers, can we throw some silhouette flaccid cocks on them?

 

Lackey #1: Mmm, hard to do with those suits.

 

Huey: What about Buffy?

 

CEO: Huey you are a sicko perv.

 

Huey: No, listen, no cocks, we –

 

Lackey #1: Ohhh, you mean –

 

Huey: Yup, the Buffy Toe.

 

Lackey #2: Buffy’s Puffy.

 

CEO: Buffy’s Puffy, hmm, okay, run some numbers and take a look at next month’s panels I don’t want anything too obvious.

 

Lackey #1: A ‘Camel Silhouette’

 

Lackey #2: A ‘Camel Flip Flop’

 

Lackey #1: A ‘Camel Pinky Toe’

 

CEO: Just make it delicate and - whoa! What the fuck? This Bermejo book costs 10 bucks?

 

Lackey #2: We ran that by you

 

CEO: I thought you were joking.

 

Lackey #1: It’s selling.

 

CEO: Without any cocks? This is going to make all our other series look – don’t say it Huey.

 

An IT Nerd Guy pops his head in.

 

IT Nerd: Shut the fuck up Huey!

 

CEO: Get this Bermejo guy in here, have him draw Buffy’s cee-toe, if anyone figures it out or calls us out on it we blame this Bermejo pervert and fire him, make a big scene, capische?

 

Lackey #1: Got it.

 

CEO: Implicate Wood too if you can, say he was involved somehow.

 

Lackey #2: Done.

 

Huey: DC, what a bunch of fucking losers. Everyone wants to see Wonder Woman’s tits not Batman’s cock. What were they thinking?

 

Lackey #1: Facts.

 

Lackey #2: I just texted Bermejo and he’s down for the Buffy Puffy.

 

CEO: Nice.

 

Huey: Did you know that if you go to Disney Land and shine a black light on any Disney Princess the outline of a cock going into their mouth will appear on their face?

 

Lackey #1: Oh, that’s actually true, I tried that a few months ago.

 

CEO: Enough with the cocks gentleman, I wanna see the Buff Puff going for 300 on eBay. Now get to work!

 

 

I know it’s been rough out there in Comic Book Land lately but this is a bona fide smash. Highly highly recommended for fans of any genre.

 

Rating: 9.6

Verdict: Pull

August '23 Reading Round Up

 

 

Well, well, well, will you look at this: Mark Millar is saying the comic book industry is in the worst state it’s ever been. I’m not really a big Marky Millie guy what with his enormous fonts and bombastic marketing approach to his books BUT I respect his game and believe that he in fact does love making comic books, although I think he loves turning them into TV shows more. That said, his claim that the Big 2 need to hire some bad ass writers and get readers back on board is spot on. Here’s a link to his interview:

 

Mark Millar Interview 

 

Let’s face it, DC & Marvisney have become all but unreadable the past year, why? Beats me. You can just feel the ick oozing off of the pages despite the talent attached. I don’t know if some sort of demonic entity is jizzing all over the books at the printer, wouldn’t be surprised, but there’s something way off with these two major publishers. DC was at least able to knock the industry out of the park last year with its scintillating Black Label releases but this year they’ve been few and far between. I see that some ‘Batman: Gargoyle’ book is coming out in September under their Black Label imprint. It looks half decent, but is it a game changer like say, something like ‘Catwoman: Lonely City’? I doubt it.

 

Also, if you’ve been following my continued desire to completely overhaul the Marvisney comic book line for the past several months, you’ll remember that I’ve been clamoring for the Marvisney stock price to plummet with the hopes that if it falls far enough they might be inclined to sell it. Well, this week the Mouse dipped under $83 a share, it’s lowest price in 9 years. There are murmurings now that they’re going to sell off their shows, reduce the amount of Star Wars garbage that they’ve been pumping out etc. I don’t think we’re too far off from them being open to selling Marvel Entertainment to someone. If there’s a billionaire comic geek conglomerate out there, now’s the time to pounce guys!

Besides my reviews this month here's what I got into:

If there should be a new CEO of one or both of the Big 2 it should probably be Jeff Lemire. This guy oozes 'I love making comics'. His new series is another one of those grounded stories mixed with the fantastical that he's sooo good at. There's a great back story at the end on his process for imagining up the concept for this book. He even goes so far as to mention that "For $5.99 you're getting the equivalent of three regular comic issues for less than the price of two" All hail Jeffy! Oh, his 'Phantom Road' book also finished up its first arc and ended on a 'I must keep reading this immediately' hook. Lemire is the frikkin' man.

 

You know what delivers time and time again? Groo. Groo is like Conan meets Curly from the Three Stooges, it's can't miss entertainment and such a tidy perfect little escape from the world for the several minutes that it takes to fly through the exquisite detailed cartooning of Aragones. The current first ish in the most recent mini-series isn't going to upend any genre or turn the industry on its head, but hey, in this day and age Cheese Dip and Mulching beat DC & Marvisney drivel all day every day.

 

Deep Cuts is turning into a real delightful monthly vignette that I truly look forward to. The creative team really conveys the sense of the time period along with the musicality of each issue. While having these double-sized one shots that are part of an overall set of six that span six decades of Jazz is wonderful, it would be great if this opens the door for an ongoing monthly that takes up the mantle of a 'Jazz Story'. As we can see, it's such a rich untapped history with so many stories to tell. Hopefully Image can transition one of these into a monthly or at the very least inspire a new one.

 

Something Epic got back on track after a blah second issue. The emotional electricity is back in the third installment. This is fast becoming must read content by Kudranski and it feels like it's the book he was meant to write. The book that he's worked on for decades that is finally seeing the light of day. I have no idea where this is leading but I hope for Kudranski's sake and ours that it's somewhere worthy of the title he's so boldly chosen. Also, interesting to note that three of the four books I've blurbed about are all from Image. Hmm, maybe Image should do a corporate takeover of MarvisneyDC and just run the whole damn industry. I think that and then I remember the absolute debacle of Kirkman's Void Rivals and its pathetic Hasbro cross-promotion and then think otherwise.

Who should take over the comic book industry? Oh wait, Jeff Lemire, right. Jeff. Jeffy, we're gonna need you to watch 'Wall Street' on repeat for a few months straight, get in the mood for some serious boardroom bloviating. I have faith in you. 

Here's the reviews of the past month:

Monstress #45

Batman: White Knight - Generation Joker #2

Hunger & The Dusk #1

Barnstormers #1

Antarctica #1

Batman: Knight Terrors #1

Dive Marvisney Stock! DIVE!!!

MONSTRESS #45 - Review

 

  

The face that Maika makes on the cover of this comic book is the face my wallet just made after it bit deeply into my hand and tore off a piece of my flesh. It was the price I paid for clicking to pull this comic yet a-fucking-gain despite everything in my body and mind telling me not to. My wallet went absolutely berserk on me as I pulled this comic out of the plastic bag full of comics, fresh from my LCS. Had I not kicked it down the hallway along with all the cancelled/maxed out credit cards it might have torn off my arms. As it spun away, pieces of my thumb sputtering into its fake leathery teeth, it growled ‘How much more are you going to waste on this book from fucking hell! 200 buckeroos isn’t enough you degenerate! Look at you! Buy yourself a burger and leave this shite for the other poor saps who are duped into reading it!!!’ Okay, maybe my wallet didn’t actually gnash off a digit of mine nor did it come to life as if it was in a Studio Ghibli movie, but it might as well have. Jesus Christmas! Monstress! WTF???

 

I started reading the first few pages of this comic and I hit a fucking wall. I’m completely exhausted by this - I dunno, what is this, it’s not a story anymore, it’s the ramblings of a psychotic schizophrenic manic depressive ADD writer named Marjorie Liu, who’s cute as hell, but who has lost all sense of the basic construct of a plot that moves. I would imagine she has also driven her partner in crime, Sana Takeda, off a cliff. Sana probably prints out the pages of the script that Marj sends here and takes them to a group therapy session in the basement of a church somewhere. When it’s her turn to speak she just bawls and hurls the pages on the floor and wails ‘I have to draw this fucking nonsense!’. 

 

Look at this page of art. It's all static, anger, despair, the plea one of the great comic book artists of our generation

She's saying: GET ME OUT OF HERE!

 

Image is also in a bind. They would have cancelled this comic years ago but they’ve been approached by Junot Diaz, Marj’s hubby, and her team of psychotherapists who have begged Captain Kirky to keep this series afloat lest they send Marj in a suicidal tailspin, this comic being the only thing that gets her through the day. Right now Junot Diaz is in the living room of their Victorian Home in Nantucket, dressed comfortably in soft linens. He takes breaks in his chair by reclining against a cashmere throw pillow that he purchased from a former Emperor of Japan. He types the next great American novel on an old school typewriter while Bach and Chopin plays softly in the background. A Maine Coon purrs at his ankles and a ceremonial matcha latte with macadamia milk wafts wisps of smoke above his mug made from upcycled broken plates from a chateau in Normandy where Lord Byron would write.

 

Marjorie, on the other hand, is up in the attic, naked, shvitzing, grunting, narrowing her eyes at her laptop screen, a screen that she has scraped with her fingernails over and over. Three dozen cats wander about. They whinge and take turns landing on her tousled head as she pumps out a new issue of her avant garde psychedelic mind fuck of a book with no plot. Goldfrapp is on repeat as the thundering bass vibrates her fingers. Fingers that tap out pure and utter lunacy to be read by, me? I don’t think anyone is reading this book anymore.

 

Am I the only who is reading this comic? It feels like I’m the only one. Anybody out there reading Monstress? Is it just me? It’s just me isn’t it. I never see any back issues of this book in my comic book shop, Lord knows this ain’t selling out. Maybe I am the only thing that’s keeping this book afloat. Maybe if I drop it from my pull, Image will call Marj that her lone customer of her book is no more. Marjorie would drop to the floor from her Arne Jacobsen chair and screech until Juno rushed upstairs with an Igloo Cooler full of meds for the moment that he knew was coming.

 

I mean, listen to the recap of this comic that’s written on the inside of the cover:

 

From the astral plane, Maika Halfwolf and her friends and allies [etc] and the ghost of her child self jumped through a portal [through a fucking cat statue in space] and landed in the most unexpected of places [wouldn't the head of the floating cat statue be more of an unexpected place?] Golga, the planet where the Monstra have long been imprisoned [etc] Elsewhere, Ren had stumbled upon a hidden clan of cats [umm what?] with unknown motives [are the motives of cats ever fucking known?] and the ghost of young Maika has been lured away by the Smith Singer [Wait, is Morrissey involved in this now???] a mysterious Monstrum [who sings like Morrissey?] etc.

 

Hasn't it been scientifically proven that having or living with cats makes you certifiably crazy. Like they emit some sort of spore or have certain types of parasites that get into your brain and make you lose your marbles over time? 

 

Am I being too hard on Marjorie? Isn't this still a great book with eye popping art? So what if she's veered off into some outer space inter dimensional prison colony? Maybe Gene Wilder and Richard Pryor will make an appearance! I'll tell you what this is like. Ted Lasso, final season, okay? Remember they had that one episode where they followed Beard on a wild and crazy night throughout London? Through bars and clubs and underground raves with a bunch of crazy characters? It was his episode. Now imagine this, rather than just doing a one off 'Beard' episode they decided to follow Beard's hijinks for another 6-8 episodes straight. Like, he just continued on this crazy journey away from the team. You'd be like, wait a minute, what the fuck? Is this the show now? What happened to Ted's anxiety? When do I get to look at Keely's boobies again and hear Roy Kent tell everyone to fuck off? That's what's happening here. Rather than following the Seaweed God for an issue or so we're stuck in an entirely new world of Seaweed Gods for who knows how long and we've lost the entire connection to the main storyline.

 

I think, we’re at the point in this comic book relationship, that started almost eight frikkin’ years ago, where it’s time to have ‘The Talk’. Of course, I’d be the asshole in this talk because I’d be wanting to wantonly abandon a psychotic deranged miscreant who’s in dire need of love and a credit to the UCLA Writing Program. I should ‘stick it out’ with this book and weather the storm of ‘holy bejeezus what the hell is going the fuck on here’ that has been pelting my eyes with its hailstones for the past several years. When you’ve invested so much, as my wallet would attest, it’s hard to just break it off like a cheap piece of drivel from someone like Kevin Smith, where it’s easy to use his pages as a pee pad for incontinent doggies.

 

I keep looking at the solicits and, fuck, there’s at least another 4 books after this one with no end in sight. I want to read ‘Finale’ in one of the solicits! I want to see an article on aiptcomics.com that details how Marjorie is going to be ending her Monstress run and will be joining Marvisney to write a new arc of She Hulk where Jen takes Ayahuasca and hunts down Bob Iger. Marjorie’s Twitter/Insta hasn’t been updated in almost 4 years! Is this even Marj??? Do we have another AI situation here? I hope so. 

 

I hope that Boston Dynamics’ War Dogs broke into her home and abducted her back in 2019/2020. It would make me feel so much better knowing that the powers that be couldn’t have a beautiful comic such as this exist in the world. Maybe when the AI took over that’s when all these ‘War Arcs’ began which bored me to tears. It’s also the only explanation for how we’re on a prison planet of seaweed Gods that was accessed through the belly of a Cat Monolith in outer space.

 

I feel like I'm at the beginning of a Black Mirror episode where I'm reading this bonkers comic and all of a sudden these wackadoodle seaweed Gods start appearing all over Los Angeles. I'll run outside and point and nobody will see them but me (since I'm the only one who ever read the comic book). A Cat Monolith will then appear and hover over Whole Foods. It will suck me into its belly along with the eggs, hummus, bananas and bag of oatmeal that I bought for $134.

I'll end up on a Prison Planet with the rest of the 11 other comic book readers who were actually reading this book. One by one the Digital Pen of Sana Takeda will appear out of the sky and we'll all be transformed by that pen into Seaweed Gods. We'll wander the skies of other dimensions where Monstress Comics exist waiting for the moment when Marjorie Liu will appear to us. We'll chase her from one world to the next, jumping through Space Cat Bellies and Space Cat Anuses and Space Cat Litter Boxes. Miley Cyrus will join us and she'll sing an AutoTune anthem called 'Seaweed Ball' as we jump through these Cosmic Felines. 

We'll end up as seaweed balls on an elongated dish at a Sushi Restaurant where the Sushi Chefs are Boston Dynamics War Dogs. Headless Riot Grrrls with Bangs will eat us one by one and the episode will end.

 

And I've officially gone Monstress Crazy. Where's Juno with my Meds? Wait, I don't take Meds. Where's Juno with my Monstress Intervention!

 

Rating: 6.1

Verdict: Pull and Pray