Oy. Vey. Night Terrors. The DC Night TerrorsI They’re everywhere! It’s scaaaary. Comic geeks everywhere are having trouble sleeping now, cuz, well, night terrors! Dude. Like, who thought this was a good idea? A corny AF Lobo looking dude is looking for something in the nightmares of every single DC Hero that has an ongoing title. Did they run this past Gaiman? I mean, at this point if you’re hitting up the whole nightmare and dream oeuvre you’ve got to at least text Sir Gaiman the Great, don’t you? I can’t see him signing off on this drivel. This is amateur hour single A baseball type nightmare stuff. Like, if I found myself on the 405 freeway at 4pm on a Friday out here with a lane shut off due to a mash-up and I had a choice between staying on the freeway or having this putz torment my dreams for a week or so I’d happily take this Road Warrior extra.
For goodness sake can someone write a fucking amazing Batman comic! Maybe I should start a new blog and call it Bat-herapy and use it to vent all my angst, frustrations and stink eyes over the Bat Comic Universe. Look at this guy, this is the villain:
I mean, I have homeless people wandering around outside my Whole Foods that are more of a threat to my existence than this wahoo would ever be. So you just jacked up a guy with steroids, gave him a purple mohawk, got some cheap $12.99 eye make-up from a ‘Spirit of Halloween’ store, walked him into the DC offices and everyone freaked out and said 'That's our Mega Event Guy!'. This doesn’t look like some mega event bad guy this looks like a meth-curious North Hollywood barista who wanders into Bar Sinister in Hollywood on a Tuesday night and nurses a White Russian in the corner while making creepy eyes.
The only reason I bought this book to begin with was the fact that Guillem March was doing the art. One of the best, and most memorable books, of the past several years was March’s ‘Karmen’ which was about a girl who takes her life over a heartbreak and an Angel that helps her through her choices. Most of the time the spirit of this girl was flying around naked in the sky over this Spanish town.
I will forever think fondly of this book and to this day I still look up in the sky every now and then hoping that I’ll see some random heartbroken naked chick flying over my head. When I do see her I’ll beckon her to join me for a naked coffee date. I’ll then give her a button down Yankee jersey to wear and a purple thong and we will walk hand in hand all over La La Land and the unhoused will serenade us with farts and belches that sound like the song ‘Strangers in the Night’.
Of course I get very stressed out about the fact that I might finally notice her while driving around LA and I’m sure I’ll get into a fender bender over her. When the cops show up and ask me my side of the story I’ll have to admit to them that I was chasing down a naked babe in the sky over the 101 and then I’ll be staring at padded walls in no time. I’d like to think that the readers of this blog will come to my rescue and explain to the employees of my loony bin that I am in fact not a wack job, that the naked babe in the sky was real. I can count on you guys for that, right?
Anyway, back to this shit show. So this Night Terrors event, umm, is DC hard up for cash? Like, if you bought up every comic that they have listed for this Night Terrors nightmare of a story line you’d be out around $250, that’s not counting any ridiculously expensive Jae Lee variant covers that you know you’ll be tempted to dip into now and then. Not only that, this ‘event’ only spans two months! Who the hell has $125 a month right now to drop on a bunch of mediocre comics with a Bar Sinister Bozo as the villain? This is how Mitch McConnell reacted when he heard that the new DC Mega Event with the Noho Fetanyl Addict would cost him $250 bucks the next two months:
How out of touch can DC be? Who is Ravager and Angel Breaker??? Those are two issues you’d have to buy to snatch up every Night Blah Blah book. I mean, did they anticipate the Hollywood Writer’s strike and are just pulling rejected story lines out of their hard drives from years ago just to keep up with releasing content? I’m pretty sure the Writer’s strike does not extend into the comic book world but maybe there’s a client comic scribe strike? Maybe they see the Big 2 threatening to replace them with AI also.
I wouldn’t be surprised if all the writers currently writing for DC and Marvisney aren’t even the writers anymore but are in fact the AI facsimile version of these writers. Like, they go into a meeting with a DC/Marvisney suit, the suit says hold on and exits the room, the writer is then scanned with advanced quantum technology and a chip is shot into their brain. All they feel is a tiny little scratch so they think nothing of it.
So in the instance of this comic, Josh Williamson came into the meeting, the suit said ‘Hey waddya think of our new Mega Event Bar Sinister Meth Addict Villain from Tarzana?’ Josh would scoff and try not to insult the suit. He’d say ‘Uhh, interesting’. At that point the suit would leave and, boom, AI Josh gets extracted and they don’t need him anymore.
Oh wait, it’s Knight Terrors! Ha. That’s even worse. I mean, if they put this in medieval times maybe it’d come to life a bit more. Actually, I can see this taking place during a Renaissance Fair with a bunch of out of work actors in tunics and actresses in raggedy dresses from their roles as woeful women in a Chekhov/Strindberg festival from 1997. The Meth Actor Villain could be that actor guy who had a little bit too much trauma in their childhood and in lieu of going to therapy his parents sent him to auditions. Let me tell you, that actor guy is absolutely frightening. That guy is a fuse ready to blow and an assault on the object of their affection waiting to happen.
Now I'm totally freaked out. Because hordes of these psychos are now homeless and roaming LA due to the ungodly amount of money it costs to actually rent a place here. You geeks want some terrors to haunt your dreams? Head over to Venice, CA around 1am on a weeknight, that'll do you right. I bet you that's where my flying naked dream girl is taking flight. Why? Because nobody will bother her out there, they'll just assume they inhaled too much of the cheap psychedelics floating around in the air and chalk it up to a contact hallucination.
Save your $250 people. Hell, save your $5. Donate that $5 instead to the 'Get Mitch McConnell a Case of Pepto Fund' and call it a day.
Rating: 4.4
Verdict: Drop. Zzzzzzzzzzz
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