If you had asked me several years ago what I thought about the ‘Flat Earth’ theory I would have smirked and said ‘C’mon dude’ I’m not a wacko. I viewed the flat earth question as a trap. A way to avoid listening to everything else I was talking about in regards to how the world worked because if I thought the earth was flat then clearly nothing coming out of my mouth should be taken as fact. Fast forward five years later and…hmm. I’m not saying I agree with the theory but what I am saying is I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that we are in fact living on a flat earth.
The ‘flatties’ have made some compelling arguments over the past few years and have presented a lot of damning evidence that goes contrary to our rounded minds. I just saw a video on Chinagram where somebody approached the cockpit of a plane where the pilot was standing and asked him point blank ‘Hey you’ve flown around the world and back do you think the world is flat’ and without hesitation the pilot answered ‘I absolutely know the earth is flat’ and then asked the questioner ‘Wait, are you filming?’. Combine all the flatties theories with the fact, the fact, that NASA is a complete sinkhole for money and that they have been lying and fabricating all kinds of nonsense to the general public for years and I would give the percentage of us living on a game board to be about 70% bubble butt to 30% n’assatall (no ass at all).
I say all this because a lot of the flatties always point to Antartica as the gatekeeper to the secrets of our world. A place where you can enter a hole at the top of the earth to descend into a middle earth if you will where a whole race of wild beings live. A race that is probably hostile because their coffee sucks and they can’t get Hulu to watch the first two seasons of ‘The Bear’. There’s also the notion that upon traipsing to Antarctica that you will encounter an ice wall and when you sail beyond it you will find the outer wall to our planet that encircles our game board. Add in the fact that you also see nut job politicians and world bureaucrats like Herman Munster aka John Kerry flying down there for God knows what and it’s obvious that something shady is happening down there. Here's a recent video of some guy who actually had access to everything down there. This is probably the tip of the literal iceberg:
Perhaps the all the editors of DC’s Black Label were abducted and sent down there after they put out too many amazing comics last year, can’t have the peasants enjoying themselves too much.
It was with this thought in mind, hey maybe this book is going to get into all of this nutty round or flat butt stuff, that I picked up this issue. I hoped and pined for something gritty and substantive. I imagine if Brian Wood hadn’t been black listed by the Comic Book industry this would be right up his alley and the series would be freakin’ fantastic but unfortunately he tried kissing too many girls in comic book office bathrooms or something and that makes him unfit to provide the general public with great content. Well, I just put down this book, reading these pages was like reading this naked from the waist down with an ice block placed under my balls, which is something I am very much NOT into. Yeesh.
The creator of this book is some dude named Simon Birks, a wily Brit who’s got Indie vibe all over him. Either that or he's about to be cast in another 70s Musician Biopic as the hip Music Engineer who looks at the main character laying down vocals in the vocal booth and says 'Crikey, this bloke can sing!'. Can’t say if any of the 50 books he’s successfully funded on kickstarter or any of the books on his imprint Blue Fox are any good, haven’t read any of them. I will say that Image in their bio of him on his site mentioned none of them but rather included a blurb that Michael Palin once called one of his films ‘silly’. That could be either a negative or a positive given the delivery of that word. Now, if the inflection on the last syllable went up then that’s a good thing. Just hear that in your mind, silly with the tone rising at the end. However, if the inflection went down on the second syllable, hear that one, then it sounds pretty bad right? Maybe Palin wanted to say garbage but decided to be nice and say silly. Here’s Simon boring some Pixie Chick who looks like the Kryptonian villain Ursa in Superman II. Clearly she was hoping to get Chip Zdarsky instead of a roadie for Spinal Tap for her interview:
Anyway, there is one thing that stands out from this book. The lead character Hannah is by far the absolute hottest homeless chick in the history of the planet. She may in fact eclipse the one and only Halle Berry who played a homeless chick in the film ‘New Jack City’. I remember once doing a comedy show with a comedian who had a bit about that. He said ‘Man, y’all see Halle Berry as a homeless girl. I kept saying to myself, wow, why is this girl homeless, she could be Halle Berry’ lol!!! I mean look at this girl, you telling me a chick like this would ever be homeless?
She looks like a trust fund baby who buys designer hipster clothes and then takes an Uber Black to a grungy Silverlake venue to listen to a messy band so she can appear cool. Like, she approachesthe bar and giddily says ‘I’ll have a sir-veysa beer’ which she’s practiced saying on her Uber Black ride over. C’mon Birks!
Halle Berry is offered by a Hozier looking Coffee Shop Manager to use his shop’s bathroom to clean up. Maybe instead of offering his bathroom he could have called the local modeling agency and said ‘Hey I think one of your girls is sleeping on the street’. Hozier then tells Halle that if she goes to a trade show and learns a skill for a job that he’ll let her sleep in his shop. OR he could, I dunno, ask her out instead and, I dunno, be dating Halle Berry. Look, since all the diversity stuff here in Hollywood, Blonde Actresses are littered all over the city. There’s no use for them anymore. They take up about 20% of the homeless population out here. They just sit on the street, live streaming from their tents which are covered in their headshots. The local shelters have accommodated them with free plant based meals and recycled yoga mats, it’s been really a group effort to keep the Blondes surviving in town. You might ask, well Issac, why not ask out one of the Blonde homeless actress chicks out if they're so hot? Hmmmm? Because I'd be considered a White Supremacist and Racist, duh. I'm not falling for that trap, c'mon.
So Halle goes to this trade show, is disinterested in all the possible jobs except the one where she can learn how to be a mechanic. Now, here’s where Birks-enstock loses all credibility as a writer. Halle learns how to become a mechanic and then, get this, gets offered a job as an engineer on the top secret base her recently deceased dad was working on in Antarctica.
BAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Seriously?
Like, hey Halle, okay, here, this is a spark plug, this is how you change a car's oil, this is what a transmission does, to
Hey, forget MIT and years of training on advanced dark ops equipment with technology that hasn't been released to the public yet, come work on our Ice Base!
Halle, upon arrival, is then asked to fix an antenna or some sort, she goes outside and says 'Oh, duh, here, press this button, beep bop boop, all fixeroonied!' lmaooo. She's also walking outside in sub-zero temps for the first time with half her face exposed while wearing a cutesy little snow bunny outfit from REI.
Oh, and Coffee Dude gets an aneurysm, her home town probably got swallowed up in a sink hole, dude, this entire issue was completely useless. This has to be one of the silliest set-up issues in comic book history. Birksy, you could've started this issue at the last page when she just beep bop booped the antenna fix and then meets the cliffhanger chick, story starts.
This comic should have been called 'Halle Brrrrr-erry'. What a waste. Maybe they should track down the dude in the video above who knows all the secrets of Antarctica and have him write a comic book. It'll probably be awful, but at least it'll be true. Oy vey. What's next 'Mars-Nana' where Lizzo goes to Mars to plant banana trees for her dancer's poons and then hosts a music festival for the local aliens and Elvis Presley? I hear Lemire is working on that, sign me up!
Rating: 3.7
Verdict: Drop
No comments:
Post a Comment