I’m all for a good fantasy epic. Can’t think of any recently in the Comic Book Universe that blew me away out of my La-Z-Boy. Saga doesn’t count. Saga is its own genre. It’s not even a comic book, Saga is a cultural tattoo that won’t ever be laser removed. All Hail Saga. If someone ever asks you if you’re MAGA don't get upset, just tell them that you’re Saga and then walk away, that’ll short their circuitry for a bit. There’s also the Monstress fantasy epic, which is also a whole maddening universe unto itself that I’m unable to peel my eyes away from despite it veering off into wackadoodleville the past year. The penultimate LOTR-esque fantasy epic (and by that I mean one that utilizes the basic DNA of the whole Elven, Dwarven, Wizard construct) has got to be Elf Quest from back in the 80s and 90s. That book ruled the fantasy epic roost for quite some time. It’s recent reboot offering? Not so much. But those Epic/Marvel comics from back in the day are pure gold.
When I saw this Hungry Elon Musk book on the solicits I thought, seems promising. Then all the review geeks seriously geeked the fuck out over this book, gushing and fawning over Willow and Co. Dude. I mean, I really don’t understand the oohing and ahhing that everyone has been doing over this series so far. I mean, it’s good, it’s not holy guacamole good. For IDW (I Don’t Want) it’s definitely a win. The art and colors are absolutely fantastic. The story? Mnyeh. That’s Jewish for: Mnyeh. Say it out loud and inflect up at the end. Now you feel what I feel about this book.
The first major gripe of this comic has to be the Orcs. So, the whole premise is that Humans and their mortal enemies ‘The Orcs’ have to join forces to fight against this new blur of an enemy. I’m already a little skittish about this premise after Kirkman’s ‘Void Rival’ Sci-Fi/Hasbro debacle that utilized a similar trope. Anyway, look, these Orcs don’t look like Orcs to me at all. These are Burly/Tribal Elves at best. It’s way easier to root for husky elves and humans teaming up than the uggams we’re used to seeing. This is an Orc okay:
This is an Orc:
I don’t know what the hell this is:
That’s Michael B Jordan painted green with a couple of Woolly Mammoth teeth in his mouth.
Okay, and this, is the female lead of this book. This is not an Orc:
Seriously? I’m pretty sure this chick just me asked if I wanted Oat or Almond Milk in my Latte last week when I was meeting someone over in Echo Park/Hipsterville. Cutie! Oh, it gets worse.
The lead Female Orc’s nickname is Tara. Tara. I think I just swiped right on Tara. She likes checking out new restaurants, is into Zero 7, is looking for a relationship and is down for a hike or a coffee to see if things click. Oh, and also, she’ll chop your stuff off is she feels threatened. Tara! I dated a Tara once many many moons ago. She was from Texas, cute Blonde. When we got into our first fight I’m pretty sure she was running around her apartment looking for her firearm so I bolted. Yeah, Tara’s are no joke – as Humans. Tara’s as Orcs are, umm, silly? Here’s what the Chief Orc Dude looks like:
Nice, handsome, Native American vibe, right? Look, you may think I’m blowing this out of proportion but if the entire premise is based off of two sworn mortal enemies who hate each other joining forces and one looks like they’ve just returned from Burning Man, then, yeah, not so good.
Next, don’t wanna spoil this too much, but let’s just say the enemy that is the reason the Humans and Orcs join forces to begin with is quite the formidable opponent in the beginning of the book. It easily obliterates everyone at the top of the issue by appearing as nothing but a blur. One moment a group of Orcs is riding on horses the next they’re dead and the horses heads are rolling down the hill. But then when it comes to our ‘heroes’ they appear and we see what they look like. Now they’re like “Look at us, we’re about to hurt you”. I was almost expecting a James Bond villain speech. Umm Willow, bubbele, either they’re blurs or they’re not, pick one. There’s even a moment where one is about to behead Tara and pauses long enough so that our Human hero can save her with his shield. Oy vey.
I skipped ahead and looked at the solicits for the next couple of issues and it looks like our Human falls for the Orc, saw that coming a mile away. We can love anyone, no matter their looks, no matter their background, no matter if they make shitty cappuccinos and have way too many cats. Next we’ll have to have Orcs fairly represented in all of our entertainment. I can’t wait to see Orcs complaining on ‘The View’ how they’re being discriminated against and have only been cast in one Marvel and Star Wars movie so far. Then you’re gonna see White Dude/Orc couples in every commercial on TV and BestBuy is going to update their hiring manual to say ‘Hire Orcs only’. Even as I type this someone is chomping at the bit to comment and call me Orcphobic. Fun times!
Recap, the comic is perfectly fine, a good but not great fantasy book. I was leaning towards pulling the next few issues but after coming back from my Little Princess walk around the neighborhood I’ve had a change of heart. I was going to pull the next issues based on looks alone but we all know what happens when all you focus on is looks, don’t we? No? Well, you end up swiping right on Tara the Orc who meets you for a hike and drags you off into the brush and chops your hands off after you tell her you think her 9 inch nose rings seem a little over the top. Wow, look at that, Target has already cast Orcs in their back to school fashion commercials. Wait, those aren’t Orcs, those are fucking Elves!
Rating: 7.3
Verdict: Drop
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