BATMAN: BEYOND THE WHITE KNIGHT #8 - Review

 

Uggh, I’ve been holding off on reading this one since it’s the final White Knight book. I mean, it is DC so they’ll probably bring it back at some point. One underachieving exec at an Editor’s meeting years from now will say ‘Hey, why don’t we do another White Knight story’ and everyone will go bananas for the idea, call the meeting over and jump in piles of cocaine while underage hookers and Drag performers are shipped in from Echo Park for entertainment. But that might not happen until, oh I dunno, December. But for now we have to assume this is the last one for a while and my goodness what a majestic run this has been.

 

Granted, nothing has been as great as that first series but all the subsequent runs have been good enough to stay atop all the other Batman offerings in that timeframe. Make no mistake, this has been the crown jewel of the Batman universe since it’s inception; nothing has come close. So, once I close the cover of this issue and toss it on my ‘yeah I read that pile’ I won’t have any active Bat Books on my pull and I don’t see anything coming down the pike either to change that. Of course DC could release 25 new Bat Titles next week, so ya never know with Bats.

 

I do feel that they missed the boat with this series a bit by not making it into a Prestige Large Sized format. What, Sean Murphy ain’t prestigious enough for you DC? Dude has got accolades! His art is also extremely detail oriented so a larger size would really bring his world to life. I say that because the opening offensive by the Bat Team in this issue gets kinda lost with all the small details in the panels. Honestly, it was a bit confusing to follow what was going on. I knew that shit was being blown up and that the Batmobile turned from speedboat into a car which was cool.

 

I’m waiting for the moment when Batman makes an appearance somehow in the Chicken Devils series where his Batmobile turns into a Bat Food Truck. Waddya think Bats would sell from his Bat Truck? Batties Jamaican Patties? Swing BATter BATter (pancake/crepe truck)? Bats Batty Burgers? You know if campy 1966 Adam West Batman was still doing it to death he’d roll up in a Bat Food Truck for realz.

 

So the opening was a bit all over the place for me. Also, this Gan chick, who I’m not a fan of, is now all of a sudden a former Special Ops Bad Ass from Afghanistan and is shooting arrows like Erroll Flynn in tights? Wasn’t she like a bumbling nitwit when she was being trained by the Red Hood in the mini series of this Universe? I could be wrong but I remember her as being shy and not very agile. The whole Gan Robin thing irks me, not sure why, just feels pushed in by a frothing at the mouth editor to get a diversity point rather than an organic development of the story.

 

What has set Murphy’s Batverse apart from all of the others is the emotional core that he’s found with the relationships of all of his characters. He’s infused love, regret, envy and deep flaws within this cast which has taken us as readers on a real rollercoaster ride. The one thing you learn first about screenwriting or writing of any kind is that ‘Story’ is all about your characters. If you just have a plot and two dimensional mannequins nobody’s gonna give a shit. I mean, they may for a second but then they’ll forget everything about your plot except the explosions and shocks. This is exactly how the dating scene in LA goes, you don’t remember names or job titles just property damage, ego damage and social media ruin; it’s fun out here!

 

Eventually the Bat Team gets their act together, the attack on the Bad Guys is moving along and then we get this moment: Bats, who has been running around without his mask since getting out of jail, puts his cowl back on:

 

 

I mean, cmon, Murph just gets it. If you’re a Bat Fan and you didn’t think or emit some sort of ‘Fuck Yeah’ when you saw this then you’re not a Bat Fan you’re a depressed comic geek and you need to get outside and get some sun, maybe take a break from those Ramen packets for a week or two.

 

As the pages winded down and Bats and the unfrikkinbelievable holographic Jack Napier/Joker character worked their way to their inevitable conclusion I began to feel appreciative and nostalgic for how great this run has been and how there’s nothing like sitting down to a great Bat Story…until…I read the last page…and

 

NO

 

FUKCIN

 

WAY

 

You’re kidding me. You’re continuing the White Knight story??? WHAT? With who? WHAT? Mirka Andolfo is doing a Joker Daughter/Daddy story??? Mirka Andolfo of ‘Unnatural’ fame? The chick who draws Pig Porn??? I mean she’s really good but, my goodness, her anthropomorphic books are seriously naughty. Like, I had to stop myself and think for a second as I bought a variant cover from her Unnatural Series which was a cover of her main pig character on the cover half nekkid with her big pig tits and pig ass hanging out.

 

 

 

‘Umm is this Kosher?’ I could feel Rabbi Shapiro from my Bar Mitzvah days looking over my shoulder, glaring at me with his scraggly nose and beady eyes, sorry Rebbe, I’d never date Pig Babe but, I mean, I might like her on a dating app but no way she’d like me back. I’d need a bunch of tats, a drug habit and a complete lack of empathy; probably a few guns in my night stand too.

 

Ha, and now they got Murph taking on Supes and Double Dub Babe in a Whitey Knighty Knight way as well??? And JLA? Wow. They couldn’t even wait a few months. I bet Murphy was picking up his last check from DC and they called him into their Bigwig Editor’s meeting. He walked in and they all had these big grins on their faces. Unbeknownst to Murph all the editors were scratching each other’s eyes out before he walked in because all the Bat Books they currently had on the stands sucked, and the crown jewel of their Alt Uni was about to walk and start his Zorro Book.

 

DC: Seanie Love, have a seat.

 

Murph: Hey guys, yeah, I gotta go, Zorro beckons. Thanks for the opportunity, had a blast.

 

Murphy turns to go

 

DC: Superman and Wonder Woman! Anything you want! Draw Plastic Man! Mr Mxyzptlk! They’re all yours! White Knight them all!

 

Murph: Wait, what? You want me –

 

DC: (bawling on their knees) Please don’t go, please, we – we’re nothing, we –

 

Murph: But I can’t right now, I have a Zorro -

 

DC: It’s okay we got Mirka doing the next one, Joker’s Daughter and Jack –

 

Murph: The Naughty Pig Chick? Is drawing Joker?

 

DC: Her contract clearly stipulates no Pig Tits, we swear.

 

Murph: Okay. Hmm. Chippy Z’s Batman run sucks saggy donkey scrotum. Say it.

 

DC: What?

 

Murph: Chippy Z’s Batman run sucks saggy donkey scrotum. Say it.

 

DC: Zdarsky? Well, the numbers are down but he’s doing a swell –

 

Murph: Chippy Z’s Batman run sucks saggy donkey scrotum. Say it or I walk.

 

DC: -

 

The editors huddle over the pile of coke in the middle of their boardroom table, they snort and bicker for several moments.

 

DC: Chippy Z’s Batman run sucks saggy donkey scrotum.

 

Murph: Louder.

 

DC: Chippy Z’s Batman run sucks saggy donkey scrotum.

 

Murph: Wonder Woman here I come. No pun intended.

 

The DC Editors erupt in jubilant cheers as they all swiftly make a conference call to their fave escort service in Echo Park

 

DC: WE WANT ALL DEM VEGAN TAT HOES! Murph’s doing Supe & Dub!

 

Well, I guess I’m happy. I mean, that White Knight JLA Verse is going to be amazing. I guess I feel a little cheated. It’s like it’s the last day of Jew kid summer camp and you’re weepy and hugging all your tiny Jew friends that you’ll probably never see again and all of sudden the Camp Director goes ‘Psych! We’re adding another month! Schools across the country aren’t starting until October this year!’ It’s cool, but weird, ya know.

 

Whatever happens, let’s just be clear, this was a genius alt Bat Verse and if he can do to JLA what he did to Bats we may need him to take over DC…and yes Chippy Z’s Bat run does suck on animal genitalia. Hey Andolfo, don’t get any ideas mmkay?

 

Rating: 9.2

Verdict: 60% chance a naughty pig babe makes it into Mirka’s run.

 

 

 

 

BATMAN SPAWN - Review

 

Oy vey. What a mess. Eight bucks down the drain. Well, at least the cover was beautiful. I got the fancy acetate Jorge Jiminix one that you see above. It looked nice in my comic book rack for a week before I opened it up. Hey, sometimes comics are nothing but adornments or pretty trinkets. Kinda like a chunk of the women here in LA. They look beyond wow on the outside but then you open them up and it feels like you’re looking at an M.C. Escher painting drawn by a five year old. Before you know it you’re peeking around the corner of the gluten free/soups aisle in Whole Foods because you both shop there and that’s where you made your patented Cookie Monster Voice pick-up line ‘I like these gluten free cookies cuz gluten free cookies are for me’ moment that made her laugh and surrender her Insta. Pick-up lines at the produce section are for rookies. If I’m feeling super confident I’ll flex at the Hummus refrigerator like I’m Ryan Gosling in Crazy Stupid Love when he’s showing his ripped six pack to Emma ‘This sprouted Hummus will unlock your pineal gland’ hubba hubba hummus wink wink.

First things first, Greg Capullo is an Art Beast and his lines are just made for Batman. This book looked amazing, what a waste that he was teamed up with someone who forgot how to write a comic book. Maybe Todd should have made a Capullo line of McFarlane Batman Toys instead of writing like a teenager in his Freshman creative writing class. Once again a Publisher is taking something that was the greatest thing ever and putting a stinky cheese smear on it. By that I mean the ‘Court of Owls’ story line which was without question the greatest Batman storyline of the past 15 years. I relished every page of that run and when I realized they were dipping back into that plot well with this ‘One Shot to your Batman Heart’ book I immediately furrowed my brow and thought ‘oh man, they’re gonna poo on my happy memory aren’t they’, and poo they did.

I have never bought a Spawn book; never appealed to me. I don’t know much about him other than him being in Hell looking for his wife’s soul. That’s not really a big deal for me. People are looking for their partners souls all over Los Angeles all the time and they’re not doing it in Mexican Wrestler outfits with long windy capes; well some do, especially at Venice beach on the weekends. It’s not that hard to find someone’s soul either, we have a ‘Soul Tracker’ app out here. It’s kinda like Waze except you put in your significant other’s soul and the app tells you how to get past the security guards at Disney on each particular day. Maybe this Spawn guy needs to do what everyone else in LA does when they lose someone they love and go to Topanga Canyon to find some hippie pyschic medium so he could talk to her. Cmon Spawnie, stop traipsing around Hell and busting into Bob Iger’s sex dungeon, you wanna chat with wifey we got plenty of options here. If that doesn’t work just track down Jay-Z and ask him, he can probably point you in the right direction after he rips off a few mediocre bars of rhymes. Just go ‘That was dope’ and nod your head and you’ll be on your way.

There are so many WTF moments in this book it’s going to be hard to list all of them. First, there’s so many cheesy word pops in the lettering that give such an amateurish feel to the story. The night we turned into MONSTERS. Everything is colored in the crimson color of BLOOD. Which allows Batman to finally FIGHT BACK. You just might KILL THEM. Yeesh. Where’s the Biff Pow Splat of the Batman 66 TV Show. I’m just so DISAPPOINTED. This is the second comic in a row that I’ve read that has SUCKED. Leave my Court of Owls storyline ALONE. Did this really cost as much a Wonder Woman Historia? What a RIP OFF. 

The whole Joker scene with his strapped on skin face was totally useless and unnecessary other than giving Capullo free reign to draw his ass off. I don’t know what these dwarfish blue teethy things were at the end of his scene but I’d like to send them to McFarland Toys to gnaw on the staff’s scrotums. At least the Joker wasn’t getting pregnant and puking up his kid like he did in the book that just came out ’The Man Who Stopped Laughing’. Apparently Zatanna cast a spell that caused Jokes to create a kid in his parasite ridden acid bath of a stomach. I’d stop laughing too if some ex-voodoo chick who I sexted on Tinder got me to puke up a Tahini baby. So lemme get this straight you manifested a child in a dude’s stomach? I don’t see the Joker having the best diet in the world to allow for a kid to incubate in his belly cavern of death. I bet he subsists off of cheap Top Ramen and Twizzlers. Yes I said Twizzlers not Red Vines you West Coast psychopaths!!! Red vines taste like fucking CHALK! Chalk I say! A Twizzler is pure strawberry goodness you candy losers! 

Anyway, the Court of Owls doesn’t feel as menacing this time around and neither does the Owl Dude. They just look like a bunch of managers at Target who happen to be in suits and have some owl masks on hand. I wouldn’t be surprised if you’ll see Owl Masks on sale in the ‘Home Decor’ section of Target in a few weeks; made by McFarland Toys of course, $49.99 each. There’s a panel where Owl Dude is leaning against the wall and his tush is sticking out and, I dunno, it just made him feel more like a Halloween Costume loser than a guy who could rip your throat out; serious impostor vibes. I can’t really say how the story wrapped up, the ending was a bit muddled and I didn’t really follow the climax. I probably just gave up and looked at the rest of the pretty pictures until I could toss this over my shoulder. The Owl shmucks were all 'We made you we can kill you we'll send you to hell' That's what the people that make those Pop toys yell at each toy they make before they send it to market to be purchased by hobbyists who hate themselves with every purchase they make.

Todd, look, stick to the overpriced toys and leave my Owls alone. Spawn? Here let me help you, I just checked the Soul Tracker app. The guy at the main gate today, Friday, at Disney is named Manny. He likes plant based sausages and those Indian Papadum chips that you can get at Trader Joes. Just hand him those and whisper the words ‘Beelzebub's Balls taste like Molasses’ and he’ll let you in. You’ll probably find your wife in the Animation Department where they’re working on Snow White Privilege the sequel to Snow White. You’re welcome.

Rating: 6.0

Verdict: Well it’s a one shot so I can’t drop it from my pull, so I’m fucked.

THE BEST COMIC BOOKS OF 2022

                  THE BEST COMIC BOOKS OF 2022

Why are all ‘Best Of’ lists a Top 10? Or Top 25? Top 100? Are you not allowed to have a list that doesn’t equate into denominations of 10s and 5s? I always wonder, are they squeezing stuff in to make it an even 25 or are they leaving a bunch out and if they are leaving a bunch out why not just extend the frikkin’ list???

Well, my Best Of List will be a Top 12 mmkay? Problem??? Nothing was left off, nothing was squeezed in these are legitimately the best Comics that I read all year. 2022 was the year of ‘One and Done's’. I don’t remember pulling so many first issues and trashing them before I got to issue 2.

I pulled 185 comics this year down from 250 last year and down from about 300 five years ago. So I’ve basically lost 10 titles a year which I would say is a direct reflection of the miserable direction Marvisney is headed coupled with the new norm of long layoffs between arcs of successful books and more and more shorter series. Look at all the books I’ve reviewed. Almost all of the are issues 1-4 or 5, maybe 6. Seems like creators are given shorter leashes and the market is being inundated with titles that are looking to stick to the wall like spaghetti.

What does that mean for comic geeks? It’s just like anything these days. They will over saturate your options to the point where you’ll have no choice but to pick up something. I mean, one of these new series has to be good right? Well, I’m not looking for good. I’m not interested in ‘myneh, that was okay’. I want great. I want ‘ooh, blank just dropped a new issue, yes!’ The comics below all fit the bill. As the guy from the Insta Account of ‘LA in a Minute’ would say “Let’s get into it!’

 

12. Defenders (2022) - This old school cosmic dimensional hopping mishmash team-up by Al Ewing & Javier Rodriguez brought back all the feels of those mind bending Marvel acid trips comics of the 60s and 70s. In a year of Marvisney misfires this one hit the mark dead center. Speaking of Marvisney, honorable mention to Daredevil (2022) which has been consistently great for years but has unfortunately gone downhill as of late. 

 

11. Chicken Devil - Nothing special about the plot but something special about the execution. This fast food co-owner/ average Joe/family guy pushed to the brink by the Russian Mob over a drug deal misunderstanding was a splatter fest that was spicy enough to stay on everyone's pull. In a year where you wanted to go out into public and go ballistic I'm sure we all now wonder if wearing a Chicken Suit will help us get away with it. How this is not a Streaming TV Show by now is beyond me.

 

 

10. Love Everlasting - Love! Romance! A time traveling   saga, a heartbreaking mess. Gimme Gimme Gimme. More Love! I love me some wooing and some smooch smooching and Tom King and new art superstar Elsa Charretier delivered the goods. I’m fascinated by what the hell is going on even though I don’t know what the hell is going on with Joan and all these dudes who either wanna kill her or marry her but I must find out. After Tom King’s triple time-lined Batman/Catwoman debacle he bounced back with this heart thumping winner. Grab it and demand more smooches and lovey dovey stuff in comics.

 

9. Pearl III - Michael Gaydos should probably get an Artist of the Year Award. What's next Mr. G? I will follow you anywhere you go. Bendis kept upping the ante on this phenomenal Yakuza Tat Artist Boss Babe story for three arcs in a row. The final installment of this series had enough twists and eye popping layouts to satisfy even the hardest of hardcore Tattoo Yakuza Frisco Tokyo Petite Albino Bad Ass lovers out there. A Streaming Show HAS to be on its way soon. If not, umm, hello? Stream. My TV. Soon.

 

8. Robin & Batman - I was super psyched when I saw that Lemire/Nguyen, the same team behind the perfectly done Descender/Ascender series, were doing a Robin Batman series and they did not disappoint. A unique twist on the Robin origin story that might bring a few tears to your eyes if you’re not careful. As for other great Batman books this year Honorable mention to White Knight by Sean Murphy and One Dark Knight by Jock which brought a rock em sock em Gotham black out tale to an electric life.

 

7. Echolands - J.H. Williams III and W. Haden Blackman literally turned the comic world on its side and created a horizontal book filled with all the amazing layouts you’ve come to crave since they dropped them in the classic New 52 Batwoman series. The story is nothing to write home about but the visual style blender is so visually holy fuckamoley good you don’t care. Plus the reveal of his insane vinyl collection in the back that provided the soundtrack to the creation of the book will probably make you cry over the piddly vinyl collection you just started recently.

 

6. King Conan (2022) - The Best Conan story in like forever. Probably the best since Brian Wood’s epic Dark Horse run. An emotional gut punch of a Father Son story paired with a ‘You have to team up with your mortal arch enemy Wizard wack job to defeat an island of zombies’ story. Leave it to Marvisney to screw everything up and cancel not only this series but Conan completely. Crom willing Titan Publishing will get it right when it starts Conan back up next year. In the meantime this is a six issue Conan run that will stand the test of time.

 

5. The Good Asian - A riveting Chinatown Detective story that overflowed with heart, history and heat. There was nothing like this series on the racks before, during and probably won't be anything like it long after the trades come out. What really made this series extra special was all the backmatter that included so many great interviews and historical references from those who experienced this part of America. It really rounded this book into an experience not to be missed.

4. Primordial - Sniffle. This one got me good. If you’re a doggie owner good luck in not bawling at the finale of this space traveling time bending tale. My goodness, I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall at this pitch meeting with Jeff Lemire ‘Two monkeys and a doggie in an inter-dimensional spaceship come home’ What??? GTFO. I’m not sure my Diva Doggie would’ve done well on this ship. She barely handles being stuffed like a pocketbook underneath an airline seat. 

 

 

 

3. Step by Bloody Step  - A book with no translatable dialogue. Instead it gave you so many beautiful haunting indelible images you realized that words would have just mucked up the genius. There are moments in this series that still stay with me months after I put it down. A truly unique tale. I won’t even begin to try and describe the story just grab the trade, take a seat and let this gorgeous work take you away on a fantastic journey.
 

 

 

 

2. Aquaman: Andromeda - Wait, an Aquaman book was better than all the other Batman books I read this year? Yes. Yes it was. Ram V and Christian Ward were a masterful duo that dragged you down to the depths of their combined genius and dared you to want to leave. Christian Ward is a beast when it comes to colors and his signature artistic style was made for this ‘Crew seeks out crashed Alien Ship’ tale. Ram V’s Aquaman was mystical, mysterious and deeply human. I was enthralled by every single page. A truly majestic perfectly woven story. Wow.

 

 

1. Catwoman: Lonely City - What if a villain, way past her prime, gets released from jail and tries to recapture her past glory while solving the mystery of her lover/rival? This was the alternative universe born out of the brilliant mind of Cliff Chiang who found the perfect future self for a host of villains including Poison Ivy, Killer Croc (who looked like a goombah in a Lower East Side bar. Of course he was a Mets fan lol) and the Riddler; all a little creakier and paunchier and all a lot more sympathetic. The finale was masterfully done with dire consequences for all. This was a triumph in every aspect of the medium and Chiang better have multiple books coming out in 2023.

Okay. I said Top 12. But I HAVE TO mention one of the greatest comic books I've ever experienced. An over the top Wow Fest. A Most Honorable and High Exalted Mention of the Year goes to...

 

 

Wonderwoman: Historia - Due to it’s protracted release schedule from last year to the end of this year (final issue just came out this week) it’s hard to call this 3 issue series a true 2022 comic; but oh what a comic it is. Actually this wasn’t really a comic, it was an event. I mean, I’ve never seen anything like this before. An Epic Deified Origin Story that laid waste to all epic origin stories that came before it. It harkened back to the spectacular Azzarello/Chiang Wonder Woman run of the New 52 a decade prior where The Gods were an integral part of the story and just blew the whole thing to the heavens and beyond. My God. Read this. A truly jaw dropping work by Kelly Sue DeConnick and three dazzling artists.

2022 was the year DC Black Label knocked it out of the fucking park. A complete moon shot, with titles I would never in a million years purchase let alone at the price points that they had them at. Yet with the talent they put together plus the stories and sublime art that poured into the pages of this holy moly triumvirate, this imprint went above and beyond what any Comic Geek could hope for. Take notes Marvel! Not to be outdone, Image continues to pump out eye blazing books month after month, year after year. Just get BKV and Staples back on their desks please and keep them there? Let's not have Saga go until 2087 mmmkay?

That’s it people!  Thanks for coming along or popping in every now and then to this page. I’m having a lot of fun with it and I see no reason to stop ranting and raving about these little mags filled with sequential art and words. In a world and time where the big things seem so much larger than they are, it’s the little things that remind you to take a breath, pull up a chair, and let your imagination run free.

As Billy Ray Valentine said in Trading Places: Merry New Year!

 


 



 

DETECTIVE COMICS #1064-1065 - Review

Sigh. Good not great. A lot of times in life we settle for good not great. Why? Because it’s good! What’s wrong with good? Everything can’t be great! True. But we should always strive for greatness. There must be an attempt. In art and entertainment I’m sure creative beings always want something to be great but it doesn’t always turn out that way. Sometimes the transition from thought to rough sketch to being done and taken in by a complete stranger is a nasty ride. Everything can’t always be great especially when it’s Batman comic books and there’s five hundred titles a month to choose from.

 

I believe you should choose comics to read based on a feeling not a brand. If you see something come out or hear about something that excites you pick it up! Conversely if you’re reading something and it doesn’t make you go ‘Ooh I should read blank blank today, that’ll be fun’ then stop reading it. Comic books are like dating. If whomever you’re dating doesn’t give you a great feeling and inspire you to want to see them then you should stop seeing them; don’t waste their time.

 

A lot of times we continue seeing people because you think ‘hey, I don’t have anybody else and I’m comfy with them’. I’m sure many girls have thought that about me ‘Yeesh, he’s so frikkin’ loud and I can’t stand it when he stares at me like he’s Prince but, I dunno, at least he’s not like my last meth head boyfriend who put a hot curling iron on my bare ass because he wanted to brand me like a cow'.

 

When I look over to my comic book rack (yes I have an actual wooden comic book rack that I keep my current comics in, best thing everrrr) I see a bunch of titles I have yet to read. There’s the final issue of Pearl which I am totally psyched about. Chicken Devil has just launched a new arc, fuck yes. Andromeda, by the same writer of the two Detective Comics I’m going to get to in a second, is wrapping up and that has been one of the best of the year. Actually, all three of these titles are great, top of the line can’t miss issues. So when I flip through the rack and see that I have two Detective Comics issues backed up because I didn’t read one last month it’s pretty obvious I need to break up with them.

 

If I was dating them, and clearly it would not be exclusive, I would take them to museums, art galleries, a hike, maybe a cool coffee spot, but all things that cost zero money.

 

I would Netflix and chill them.

 

Hulu and Woo Woo them.

 

HBO Max and Wax them.

 

Amazon Prime them and slime them.

 

I wouldn’t wine them and dine them.

 

To the comic. This Bat Book feels like it should be epic…but it isn’t. It wants to be epic…but it isn’t. It’s a little muddy and, I dunno, cornball? Has that 80s 90s Bat Book feel. Court of Owls by Snyder and Capullo was fucking epic. The first White Knight story was holy shit epic. Even Jock’s One Dark Knight had a hint of epic. This feels like Batman on a Tuesday night. No particular reason. The Orghams are these demonic European creepazoids on a ship sailing to reclaim their Arkham name or something. They submitted their DNA to 23 & Me and were like 'Yo, we own a prison for Bat Villains in Gotham let's go get that shit! Put your creepy contact lenses in and get that devil's dust so we can fuck with that Two Face loser who still owes us from the Fantasy Football league we won a few years ago'.

Talia As Ghul is Bats' Baby Momma right? I can't keep up with Bats and his girlfriends. They're fighting on a dock for alimony? He liked a Kim Bassinger post last week? He took Damian out for a steak when she's trying to keep him Vegan? He told her Bernie Sanders is a kooky loser after she donated a cool mill to him? They look great fighting. Bats fights a lot of dangerous hot babes in hot outfits. Maybe, I dunno Bruce, go to Erewhon sometime and pick up a wacky Actress chick see if that's a better fit. You have the house, the car and the money and your dark secret isn't that you're really gay and off to Palm Springs for a weekly White Party extravaganza; they'll be totally psyched to date you.

 

I mean, look, the creative team is as good as it gets and they all do a really good job. But see, if you’re gonna put out oodles of Bat books then I’m gonna want to read the great ones. I’m not throwing down a hundy a month on Bats cuz I have a Bat fetish. I can’t pick up every number one issue, you’re gonna have to grab me. And if you don’t I don’t care cuz I know there’s a dozen Bat books coming down the pike. This is why you don’t boo comedians. If they suck, so what, there’s a whole line waiting backstage to try to tickle your funny femur. If it’s the Headliner and they suck, yes, boo, they deserve it since they’re getting paid the big bucks and they’re on the marquee. Detective Comics is a headliner.

 

Boooo.

 

Rating: 7.3

Verdict: Drop

BATMAN: BEYOND THE WHITE KNIGHT #5 - Review

 

Have you ever been with someone, got into a fight, went your separate ways, banged someone else, got bored, yearned for the one you fought with and then got back together with them? Of course you have. That’s what everybody does, at least once if not a couple times a week if you’re in your twenties. The problem will always be ‘Who the hell did you bang while you weren’t banging me?’ The Bang Replacement. The Meat Substitute. You’ll both (begrudgingly) laugh at each others and wonder how you both could be so foolish. A Ginger? Bahahahaha. An Asian Burlesque Dancer/Food Truck Owner? Bahahahaha.

 

It gets dicey when you actually have to see that Bang Replacement. For example, if they were a Bouncer at a club that you would frequent or a Barista or, who knows (it’s weird how Bang Replacements always seem to have a highly visible job). There’s that awkward moment when all three of you will occupy the same space. The Bang Replacement and the Bang Transgressor will almost always act casual like it’s not big deal. But the one on the outside looking in is going to stare deep into their soul and threaten their very existence with their eyes and any body part they can get their hands on. If tits or a pair of nuts could knock someone out they would in that moment. Don’t you evvverrrrrr think about banging what I bang everrrrr again THWOP Yeah! That’s my nuts in your face pal! THWOP THWOP More nuts! More face! THWOP

 

Well, at least that’s what's playing in your head. What actually happens is you hold out your wrist and they wrap a drink bracelet around you and you walk on in.

 

That’s what I felt like when I picked up this White Knight issue. After the Red Hood White Knight Two Issue Debacle by the Clay dude it was clear that the White Knight had a really awful Bang Replacement. It devolved into WB Afternoon kooky kiddie fare. A new Asian Robin Chick was introduced and it got all ‘Ooh you can do it, be all you can be’. Hurl. So I was a bit trepidatious in picking up this amazing run by Sean Murphy. Every page I was peeking around the corner waiting to have that awkward Bang moment. Yup there it is, there is the remnant of that really awful choice.

 

Thank goodness it barely happened. I got one, maybe two panels of the The Crimson Hoodie and that was it. The rest was classic White Knight Batman happy joy joy from the infinite goodness that springs from the bad ass mind of Sean Murphy. More Joker in the head. A Psyche switch! Now Joker is Batman doing Batman things with Batman looking on from his own head. Now Joker is proposing his love to Harley which is really Bats love, it’s all love, I love it! The great thing about Murphy is his uncanny ability to throw a twist at you at a moment’s notice. I don’t know of any other writer out there now that is so deftly dropping turn on a dime plot twist/character developments. It is a masterclass in story telling and I can’t wait for what I think is the finale next issue? Is it? Comes out this week. Woo hoo!

 

White Knight has been the best Batman story running for a couple years now. For the love of all that is good and holy in comicbookville don’t end this thing! I get it, it may have reached its organic conclusion by next issue but I’m going to miss the whole alternate universe despite its Bang Replacement. A universe as bountiful and majestically created such as this one can endure a bang replacement. Well maybe not, hold on, THWOP THWOP THWOP. Okay, now it can.

 

Rating: 9.2

Verdict: Pull

BATMAN: ONE BAD DAY - TWO FACE #1 - Review

I don’t get this Batman series. It’s called ‘One Bad Day’ but none of the stories so far happen in a day and the entire series doesn’t happen in a day. There’s nothing intensely or oddly different about any of these ‘Villain Centric’ stories other than them being standard Bat fare. It would be like if you went to a restaurant and it was their ‘Seafood Delight Night’ yet the menu had the same ol’ burger and chicken finger nonsense on it but ooh, look, salmon and a shrimp cocktail!

 

It would be like if you were a perv looking for kinky fetishy stuff and the site was ‘One Kinky Fetishy Pervy Day’ and it was nothing but air brushed playmates holding a riding crop while angling their perfect backlit areolas in a stable. That being said the first installment by Tom King featuring the Riddler was actually really good, but see, this series is a bullpen game. There’s no Starting Pitcher you’re just bringing a reliever in every inning or so and praying that you can get to the end of the game without one crapping the bed. Well, there’s a heaping pile of dung on my satin comic book sheets.

 

Spoiler, Two Face murders his Dad. Feeds him some birthday cake at a gala, his face bubbles up, makes him look like Two Face for a second and then he dies. Of course Bats gets there a bit too late. Two Face is back in jail. That could’ve been popped into one of those old school Hostess Cupcake ads that Marvel used to run in the back pages of their comics way back in the day. Everything else in here was rehashed Two Face retread, “He’s really a good guy! There’s a good man somewhere in there! He helped us once! He can’t be trusted! He’s a loose cannon” Oh fer fuck’s sake are we talking about Kanye or Two Face?!? Mariko, give me something, anything new. I paid 8 bux for this nonsense. All I got was two comic books worth of bubkes. More pages does not equal more comic book joy.

 

Another gripe, what the hell happened to Batgirl’s costume? I’m all for the Purple Goodness but what is this black mask covering her mouth? She looks like Bane’s sister. Is this for the Rona? Did she have to get a squeegee shoved up her nose before she could hang around Bats? She looks ridiculous. Also, Twofer’s 88 year old Dad looks like he’s a 50 year old umpire that just made a horrible check swing call. Was that your call Javier? Speaking of which, the one saving grace of this book is the art by Javier Fernandez and the constantly brilliant coloring by Jordie Bellaire. It’s a beautiful journey through the pages. Shame.

 

Do the Bats People at DC just drop a pound of coke on their boardroom table, shape it into the Bat Symbol and inhale it while coming up with dozens of ideas for Bat Books. Bats in a Spaceship! Bats in a Reality Show! Bats in Ukraine and a Zelensky Photo Op! Bats and Joey Boombats at Katzes and Steve Maetz shows up! My suggestion, pull back on the Bats y’all. I mean seriously, do we need 50 monthlies of Bat stuff?

 

So now Penguin is up next and I already pulled it. Yeesh. One Bad Day? Indeed. One Bad Day reading another Bad Bat Book.

 

Rating: 6.0

Verdict: Drop

BATMAN VS ROBIN #1 - Review

  

I didn’t want to do it, believe me. I had enough Bat books in my life, didn’t need another one. With Batman it’s like I’m in my 20s all over again and dating a bunch of chicks in New York who are Bat shit crazy in their own right. You keep dating bat shit crazy chicks in your 20s because, why not? They’re usually amazing in bed and they make for unbelievable stories and jokes, especially if you’re a Comedian, wink wink. So if you’ve got yourself a stacked line-up of wackos with daddy issues and a culture that has done everything to make them feel inadequate, you really don’t need another position player.

 

Then you’re out, in that cool spot, it’s loungy, low lit, purple velvet couches, bartenders dressed in 1920s gear with Spatz and the bowties. Thievery Corporation ‘Lebanese Blonde’ comes on and then she walks in with those cute thigh high boots, tight black dress and an 'oh my goodness who the fuck is that' vibe and you’re pretty much figuring out who to trade or how you can squeeze her in for some at-bats. Then you take her out…and she’s a disaster.

 

That’s this comic book.

 

Holy Trash Bin Batman! I couldn’t wait to toss this book as far away from my sight as possible; it was that bad. How??? Mark Waid. Mahmud Asrar. Captivating story line. It’s like they were that girl in the club who when you open the door to your apartment she projectile vomits into your foyer, starts bawling and then pulls out a switchblade on you as she starts in on a Tennessee Williams monologue she's working on. What the hell happened here guys?

 

First, the whole beginning I thought was Damian approaching Wayne Manor not Bats, that’s how off this whole thing was right from the get go. Å panel shows you Wayne Manor and then the lightning crash illuminates someone, who by the looks of the height seems like it’s Damian. Nope. So the art was a bit wonky to start. Then Albert is now back from the dead with zero explanation as to how. He doesn’t know either. I suppose that’s the hook: let’s rope you in for $6 a pop for several months and we’ll tell you. Oh no you won’t! I already know how.

 

Editor’s meeting with Mark and Mahmud...

 

Editor #1: So Alfred comes back

 

Mark: How?

 

Editor #2: Exactly

 

Mark: Exactly how?

 

Editor #3: We are so on the same page here, off you go.

 

Mahmud (to Mark): What just happened?

 

Mahmud gets a text.

 

INSERT TEXT: We heard that and we love that you’re also on the same page.

 

Next thing is Damian showing up acting like a complete dick with two twerpy magic wielding kids who are like the X Men on steroids, they can do anything! They’re turning the T Rex into a live animal and racing it around the batcave while Damian is going ‘Mwahahahahahaha’. That’s what this whole comic felt like. Maybe it should have been renamed Batman vs Damian going Mwahahahahaha. He then shoots his Bat Daddy at point blank range. I can’t begin to say how completely bonkers and off the wall that moment felt. I mean, the unwritten rule in Bat Books is nobody uses guns except the low rate wack job henchmen. So now I’m throwing away 75 years of Bat Rules to justify this $6 shit show?

 

After more plot wackiness we now come to find out what’s wrong. Oh no. Not this shit again. Please tell me you couldn’t come up with anything more exciting than this worn out premise. Guess not. Oh no! Something is wrong with the Magic in the world! It’s been poisoned! You must save the magic Batman. Oh fer chrissakes! Didn’t we just go through this with Dr. Strange SEVERAL times in the past few years. Didn’t the Sandman basically use this little plot point? Is this why I had to suffer through the two little Harry Potter wannabes at the top? Honestly this feels like one of those Batman comics you find at a garage sale and you buy for 50 cents because, hey, it’s Batman and it’s 50 cents and I’ll read it on the subway or on the toilet for a couple minutes and then forget that I ever read it.

 

You know the worst part? I also got roped into the Variant cover mishegas. That’s the cover at the top of this review. It’s beautiful isn’t it? I actually begged my LCS to pull it for me. That’s when Variant covers go wrong. When they walk into a club looking absolutely perfect only to find out that after you open them up it’s nothing more than a swift kick to the nuts and a reminder that when Thievery Corporation plays in a lounge it’s time to get the hell out of there.

 

Rating: 3.0

Verdict: Drop