When we last left our Fist me with that Hand Devil Dude and
Elektrica Babe they were on their backs in the snow, holding hands after just
being proclaimed Man and Wife by Stick, their crotchety pain in the ass martial
arts teacher schmuck. Now before I even opened up this issue my question was,
did they have a honeymoon? I mean if I just got hitched to a hot Latina in an
island in the middle of nowhere and all I had to look forward to was battling
an ancient ninja wraith zombie cult I’d like a little nookie just to take the
edge off. Not sure where Double D and Nasty Natchios could get that done, place
looks awful. Maybe Stick could coach them on how to be buck naked in the snow,
build heat and bang but Stick is the last person I’d want as a voyeur for any
sexy time ‘You call that grabbing hair and slappin’ ass pretty boy. You slap
ass like that when the Hand is around you’ll get your ass handed to you!’ Stick did you
just make a jo – 'Shut up dickwad!' Sorry.
My other question is can Elektra cook? I don’t care if this
makes me sound old fashioned or what but I want my woman to not only just cook
but to be a super bad ass cook. Looks fade, butts will sag but a magical bowl
of beans and rice with a perfectly cooked steak is forever. I can’t see Elektra
cooking for jack. Like her eggs are probably the worst. She probably burns
toast and then tosses your expensive Breville toaster out the window. God
forbid you carp and gripe about it you’re asking for a nunchuk landing inches
from your nuts. I mean yeah, if you wake up with morning wood she’s probably
launching herself naked up in the air, doing several flips and landing
perfectly on your long duck dong; so there’s that. Although, she probably likes
it too rough for my taste. Like, right hook my jaw while you’re on top of me or
just flat out choke me from behind you loser. That’s waaay too much work. I’m
not choking anybody for no reason, I need a reason and the threat of getting a
heel in face during sex isn’t a motivator other than yeah, I’m busy this week
and the next, I’ll text you mmkay.
I mean, look at this main cover. Double D is miserable! He’s
officially now in marriage prison and he’s rattling the cage to be let out. And
there’s ‘Lektra grabbing onto him from behind begging him to come back to bed.
She’s whispering in his ear:
‘Come back to bed Matty poo, I want you to call my
Brown Eye ‘Bullseye’ again and I want to you to pound it like Wilson Fisk was
staring at you from within it’s empty depths’.
Daredevil doesn’t even look like
Daredevil he looks like a Paladin or a Ranger from Dungeons & Dragons.
Weren’t the kids that played the Paladins and the Rangers in D&D always the
biggest assholes? Like, they were always Chaotic Good or something like that and
they always blamed everyone else for your party getting decimated by a gang of
weak ass Hobgoblins even though they always rolled a 1 or a 2 in
combat.
So I open this Marvisney book up and, wait, this is Dr. Leonard
Sampson??? From the Hulk comics? Why does he look like a Green Sasquatch/Grinch
Mutant? Then we get all this nonsense that because Double D and Lekky married
everyone now has enhanced fighting abilities. Foggy is now flying through the
air and kicking like Spiderman. Yeah, I call bullshit. When all your friends
get married the only enhanced fighting abilities you get is the ability to find
new batteries for your TV remote in a swifter fashion as you stay home every
night with a nary a social life to speak of. Wow look at me! When all my friends post
pictures of their children within seconds my face is plastered against a window
looking out into the night wondering if I’ll ever say hello to a woman again:
now that’s a super power! I think I’m going to call myself Captain Spectrum TV
Homebody!
Now Hubby and Wifey are plotting to break out a bunch of villain
losers from a prison island which I assume is to help the Fist grab the Hand of
the Knob. So we get standard prison break silliness and a final shot of Captain
America and Stark saying they have to ‘bring Daredevil in’. Great. More tie-in
bullshit. Let me guess, I have to now go and read 10 Avengers titles and a pathetically
bad Moongirl Devil Girl T Rex book to catch up to what’s going on. Dude. This
is FIVE issues of set up. What is this? A three and a half hour foreign coming
of age Lesbian movie?
Elektra is cute though. Look at all that hair. How is she
managing to keep it so full and have it have that shiny luster in the middle of
an island? What brand of Blow Dryer is she using? It’s a Babyliss isn’t it?
Red? With a button that fires nunchuks just in case? What a maniac.
You know what else Elektra would also be a maniac about?
Social media. God forbid you even like some random insta trashy ho’s vid or
even have it come up on your feed. You could neverrrr leave your phone around
with Elektra. You have to take it in
the shower with you and sleep with it up your asshole to be safe. The crazy
thing is, you know Elektra’s gotten drunk and done a Tik Tok dance challenge
and killed it. You’ll see it and beg her to do it again and she’ll always
deflect and say that was a one shot deal.
But one night she’ll get tipsy when you’re both alone and she’ll
grab ‘I Think We’re Alone Now’ by Tiffany off of Spotify and start doing some choreography to
it. The problem is, since you two are alone and she’s tipsy and probably horny
she’s going to beat the shit out of you as well.
I think we’re alone now [choreography, she then throws one of
her Sai’s at you]
Ow! Babe, that’s my eye
There doesn’t seem to be anyone around [choreography, she
then fires several Shuriken at you]
Ahhh! Fuck! Lekky! There’s three of these things in my
chest! Owww!
I think we’re alone now [Backflip, leg kick to your jaw]
Oof! Honey, I’m sorry I said your rice tasted like sneakers,
please –
The beating of our hearts is the only sound [Right cross to
head, downward kick on your nuts]
[Whimper]
Bang my Browneye and call it Bullseye!!!
Yes dear, right away, dear.
Hey Chip, this comic is starting to really suck, get things
moving or I’m dumping you and this slow crawl of a yawnfest faster than Elektra
would dump me for cumming too quickly.
Rating: 6.9
Verdict: Pull on Alert
