WHITE BOAT #1 - Review

  

 

Oy, another trio of Snyder comics. Does Scott Snyder know how to write series anymore that last more than 3 issues? I think the way the whole Batman comic ended still has him traumatized. I see him shaking naked on a leather couch mumbling ‘Mr Bloom Mr Bloom Mr Bloom’ as a therapist rolls his eyes and doodles on a notepad. 

 

 

 

 

Snyder is teaming up again with Francesco Francavilla, the artist who loves to put his initials on all of his drawings like some deranged graffiti artist from the 70s. Seriously, I don’t get it, how is it okay to put your insignia on pages that are inside of the book??? The cover, I get, but the inside pages? Are you that fucking insecure that you have to validate your work over and over. Is that what artists from Italy do these days? They just wander around the streets scribbling their insignia on everyone and everything. Like does he have to take his dates from behind so he can scribble on their ass?

 

Look he does it again right here:

 

What a psychopath. Look, I think he’s a fantastic artist, his work is gorgeous, but my goodness this annoys me. All the solicits are ringing the bell about the fact that these two worked on the Night of the Ghoul which was a middling mnyeh bouillabaisse of nothing special. But, this is DSTLRY and they have been absolutely destroying the comic book world with their releases. Thing is, they’re only doing 3 issue Prestige Formats with Superstar Creators. That’s all well and good but at some point you’re going to have to drop an ongoing series that lasts a year or so. Then we’ll see if you really got the goods. Right now you’re a ‘3 Date Dinner Date Babe that Goes Bye Bye’, a chick who shows up for your appetizers and main course but never gives you your just desserts.

 

As I’ve said before, 3 issue Prestige drops are a landmine for a comic book geek. As long as the 1^st issue is somewhat serviceable and enjoyable you’ll more than likely pony up for the second book. The second book is where they get you because no matter whether it sucks scraggy balls or is the best thing since ‘The Dark Knight Returns’ you’ll feel stupid if you just drop the book before grabbing the final issue. Why? Because you’ve already dropped close to $20 on two comics so you might as well find out how it ends and finish the story; do you ever leave or stop watching a 3 hour movie at the 2 hour mark? It’s genius marketing. 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s like going out on a few dates with a babe who looks amazing but is throwing red flags at you left and right: high pitched cackle, hints about doing lots of benders, talks about switch blades a bit too much. But she laughs at all your jokes and even though she bawled in the tiramisu on your second date because it reminded her of a professor who took her virginity and ruined her mind in college for some reason, you think she has ‘potential’ for being a good egg. Of course date 3 is when she shows up blitzed out of her mind and tackles the burlesque dancers on stage at the show you took her to and then takes off with your car to Albuquerque to do drugs with the guy who tattooed a noose on the inside of both of her ears.

 

 

 

 

 

As for this book, it’s aight, pronounced ahh-ight. Some dude’s brother dies on a boat as a kid and he stays in the boat town being a drunk unmotivated putz until he’s invited to a fancy expensive AF boat where all the secrets of his life resides. I think Scott Snyder must have read ‘The Lion, Witch & The Wardrobe’ a million times when he was a kid because a lot of his stories involve the expansion of a small space into an enormous space. He did it for the Ghoul and Wytches books where an aperture expands into this oversized underground labyrinth. Here it’s something similar where a hatch on the floor of the boat opens up into an extensive museum that feels like it’s 10 times the size of the actual boat. I don’t know how you justify that. I can see it being on land, like, oh, we dug this hole for centuries and created a new world or I dunno, used one of those machines that they use to make underground cities all over the world in no time. But on the sea? What is this, an iceberg boat where it’s actually in the shape of a gigantic iceberg but you only see the top which looks like a yacht? I call BS.

 

 

Also, there’s a huge ‘Don’t go in there!’ movie theater moment. You know what I’m talking about? When you’re at a cheap movie theater where the audience is a little more raucous and you have patrons yelling at the movie screen? This happens the most in horror flicks where dumbass characters are continually berated by the audience to not go into dark empty houses, to open doors that obviously go nowhere good. This happens here when the guy showing our lead around, a guy who looks like Lurch from the Addams Family on Meth, opens up the hatch for him to explore. There’s a ladder that descends into the dark and he’s told to go down by himself and check things out. C’mon Scottie Sny Sny, I would’ve respected this a bit more if he was shoved down there but for him to just be the goofus doofus du jour and willingly descend into this chaos, I call BS. Of course the lead is now stuck there for weeks or days or who the fuck knows.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Man, the more I write about this book the more annoyed I get. DSTLRY has a decent book here but if you asked me would I rather drop $30 for Tynion and Ward’s ‘Spectregraph’ book which is also in the middle of their 3 issue run or this one I’d say ‘Spectregraph’ in a second; that first issue was phe-fucking-nomenal. Yes, I’m intrigued by this premise of Lurch on a Boat that's as big as Atlantis, I can look beyond the shortcomings of the plot and Franco’s tramp stamp on all of the art but it’s no slam dunkeroo.

 

 

Can we just do a solid for Scott and find a way to get him back the main Batman title. I think he’s made for Batman. Dude should write that shit all day every day. Ever since his Mr Bloom story line in Bats ended unceremoniously where DC appeared to fuck with his exit from the title he hasn’t been the same since. I mean, he’s a great writer so he’s gonna pop out some dope shit regardless of whether the premise is on point or not. Barnstormers was one of my favorite titles of 2023. Yet it seems his career since then has been one ‘Andre 3000 Playing the Flute’ moment one after the other. I mean, we LOVE Andre and the flute and, yeah, it’s, umm, it’s pretty and umm, enjoyable. Ok, fuck it, Andre get your Hey Yaaa back on and Scott get your Bats Yaaaa back on and let the Putz, the Boat and the Meth Lurch be your flute experiment.

RATING: 7.2

VERDICT: Mmm, nah I'm good, saving $18, drop.

DOOM #1 - Review

 

Every now and then I’ll get a comic and I’ll realize just by flipping a few pages that it’s going to special. What happens next is I’ll put it front and center on my comic book rack (yes I have an actual comic book rack, I got it when an LCS in Silver Lake went with newer décor and sold off their pieces) and I’ll leave it there. It effectively becomes my ‘In Case of Reading a Bunch of Shitty Comics in a Row, Break Glass’ comic. It gets saved for that moment when I’m so disgusted or frustrated by the caca poo poo that’s being plopped out by the comic book industry that I need something to remind me why Comics are great and why I drop hard earned cheddar for these books to begin with.

 

It’s no secret that I’ve grown to despise Marvisney and what passes as their comic book offerings. It feels like they’ve gone to great lengths to ruin their brand (Star Wars included) and to kill any interest in this medium that people like you and I cherish and hold dear to our hearts. At the risk of getting political,  I would say whoever has actually been in control of the Presidency of our Country (clearly it’s not the Turnip Brain that shuffles around and poops himself) has also been actively looking for ways to destroy our country from within. Yet it actually seems easier to decipher the motives of a clandestine group of anonymous psychopaths within the walls of our government than it does to figure out why Marvel Comics suck donkey balls and rot brain cells on a daily basis. Seriously, they’re unreadable.

 

I try, believe me I try. Don’t tell me I’m too old. Don’t tell me they’re for a new generation. Great Comics are great for anyone, no matter what they look like or how long they’ve traipsed around on this planet. There’s no easy answer, but if you take a temperature reading of all the respected comic book pundits online as well as those who actually run the stores they’ll tell you that the medium is dying, no thanks to the Big Poo whose stories just seem like filler for the Variant Cover market that apparently nets them more income than actually producing great stories.

 

The other day, after perusing through the solicits for the next few months, I actually wondered to myself ‘Hmm, maybe I need to read more novels than comics. Maybe it’s time to phase this part of my life out and just wait for the trades, become a morbid soulless adult. That’s when I knew it was time to ‘Break the Glass’ and flip open what I hoped to be a ‘fuck yeah this rocks’ comic. Thank goodness I was right - This comic fucking rocked.  

 

Why? Pure simplicity and the maturity to let the character breathe without extraneous bullshit being heaped on due to a need to ‘make an impact as an author’. Hickman’s one of the best in the biz, he can write anything. I’d love for him to FINISH writing a couple series that just stopped. Maybe it was his way of showing Matt Fraction ‘Hey, I can just walk away from a dope comic as well homie, what else ya got?’. What Hickman did with Doom was create a basic premise ‘Doom just got his ass kicked by Galactus and is floating in space’ and went from there; no frills, no complications. That also allowed this fucking beast of an artist, Sanford Greene, to just unleash an eyegasm of art that is the best work I’ve seen in a Marvisney book in a long time. It felt classic and new at the same time. These pages were fucking bonkers. Look at this one:

 

 

 

We’ve seen a layout like this before, a gaggle of heroes flying at a villain in a way that allows you to see all of them at the same time. The best part of this is Howard the Fucking Duck being inserted as one of the heroes. If you ask me that’s all Hickman. This book had a real old school intergalactic Marvel feel about it and putting Howie there just reinforced the vibe. The best book Marvisney put out last year in my opinion was ‘Avengers: War Across Time’ which was written by a Katz’s Deli regular and was a paean to old school technicolor Marvel books of the 60s. This was kinda like that one but more sophisticated and modernized. Jeez, can Marvisney just take this One Shot as a template and educate their writers ‘Hey this is how we want it done?’ A One Shot. Oy. It’s like they’re saying ‘Okay, we’ll make a fucking awesome comic, BUT ONLY ONCE’ then back to the poop!’.

 

What’s astonishing about this issue is that there isn’t really an ending to it. It feels like one immense set up for an epic battle that we never get to see. Yet for some reason it works. It’s almost like we don’t need to see it. Seeing it would somehow ruin the book; that’s great writing. I feel like most of the Marvisney Misfits would have made sure the epic battle happened in the middle of the book so that there’s enough time for all the characters to swap dicks and tits with each other.

 

One gripe that I did have is the ‘Sketches’. Oy. Sketches. I don’t need to see your raw sketches. I don’t need to see your ‘process’. It’s all filler. It's cheap soybeans! It’s Magnesium Stearate! Filler! It’s the bread basket at the Italian Restaurant. Stop feeding me bread baskets for pages! There was like, 10 pages of sketches! Is that why this was $7 and not $5? Are Marvel Editors sitting in Satan's Lap and telling him about their $5 Doom one-shot and Satan goes 'Make it $7'. And the Editors wail and cry 'How???' and Satan says 'Sketches'. Ooh, here's all the different types of sketches the artist did while doodling on a beach in Tulum. I mean, at least it's better than a backstory which 99 times out of 100 is going to pale in comparison to the main story. Backmatter is tricky, sometimes it's amazing, most of the times it's flip flip flip whatever. It's not like it ruined this book by any means, but I would've rather have seen more story. 

Bottom line: Hickman wins again. Sanford Greene is a Star. Satan gets an extra $2.

 

RATING: 9.1

VERDICT: Still rooting for Disney Stock to Crater.

June '24 Reading Round Up

 

 

I pulled a piddly 9 comics in June. Nine. Nine times. I pulled Niiiiine Times. Yes, Rooney’s ‘Nine Times’ from Ferris Bueller is ringing in my head. 

 

 

That’s the first time in over 15 years (the two months of global shutdown notwithstanding) since I’ve been keeping track of my pulls that I went a month where I pulled in the single digits. I wish the country’s inflation problem was like my comic pulls; the price of good organic hummus wouldn’t make me cry anymore. Why just 9? I suppose I’m at the point where I see shit come down the pike and say to myself ‘Yeah, I ain’t falling for the banana in the tailpipe again’. I can tell when something that looks good is going to suck. Let me clarify: I can tell when a comic that looks good is going to suck, a woman…not so much. I can also tell when a comic that seems like it can be okay is not worth my dillies. 

 

 

With The Big Poo releasing drivel, decent books at least 5 or 6 bux a pop, really great prestige books around $9 a pop, and with new drops almost always being a limited series it’s been easier to give books that I normally might pull or continue to pull the Heisman. That said, at the halfway point of 2024 I’ve still pulled a little more than I did at this point last year yet last year was my lowest annual pull in 15 years as well. I would say it’s been a better year so far for the quality of comics that have come out versus last year. Image has kinda sucked but DSTLRY, Titan and Tom King may very well save the comic book industry if they keep on their current trajectory. Looking through July and August I don’t see much other than what I’m grabbing now. With that segue, here’s what I’ve been grabbing:

 

 

 

Christian Ward is not allowed to do any comics that are not in Prestige format ever again. I have gotten so used to seeing his amazing art plastered across enormous oversized pages that mushing it back into a standard comic size would be blasphemy. It seems like the Industry agrees with me as I feel like all of his recent books have been Super Sized. As expected, his work on this book is nothing short of absolutely fucking gorgeous. As for Tynion, I’m not really a huge fan. I know a lot of geeks geek out on his work and he’s regarded as one of the best by the publishers but he just doesn’t do it for me. The last two projects of his that I checked out was ‘Nice House on the Lake’ which started off wonderfully and by the midway point it had devolved into a wack CW Show inspired piece of poop. Same thing happened with ‘Department of Truth’. It started off with a bang/slap on the ass and spiraled into a whimpering fetal position of a book. The premise of Spectregraph is immensely strong and they’ve set it up perfectly. It remains to be seen if Tynion can handle maintaining the story arc. We know that Ward is going bring the ruffneck bizness to the art. Maybe that’ll jolt Tynion into actually finishing what he started. Otherwise, this is another solid release by DSTLRY which is fast becoming the Jewel of the Industry for the non Tights & Capes titles. 9.5

 

 

 

This 3 Issue Jock-O-Rama series ended with a resounding thud and put a stink on the first ever initial release from DSTLRY. Since this offering they have been slaying the marketplace with their spectacular books so they haven’t looked back. As I’ve said before these 3 issue Prestige Format releases that cost a grip are hard for the consumer to navigate through. As long as the premise and presentation of the initial issue grabs you, you’ll be on board for Issue 2, where it seems like more often than not that it goes off the rails; which it did in this series. Then you’re left wondering, well, I’ve already dropped $16-18 and there’s only one issue left, might as well get it, maybe it will have a great ending. In this case it didn’t. In this case it turned into a bumbling disconnected plot of Mommy & Daddy issues, Zombies, intergalactic politics and general poop on a page dialogue. They’re in a ship. They’re in a different ship. They want to come back to this ship. Nobody’s on the ship. We’re running from this ship. The other ship is running from something else. Now he’s on the ship. Zombies everywhere. Boom Bam. Zombies. Ships. Space. There, I just saved you $9, no need to get this now. Man, finishing a Sucky 3 Issue Prestige really punches you in the stomach. Mark Simpson, AKA Jock, really dropped the ball on this one. Shame. His ‘One Dark Knight’ was one of the best of 2022 so naturally one would assume he would knock this out of the park too. Nope. Your $27 be Gone. And Nelson is going Ha Ha to you like your name was Bart Simpson. 5.6

 

 

 

If someone rushed into my home and said ‘Quick, the Zombie Apocalypse is here, they’re minutes away and they’re mangling everyone in their path. You only have time to take your Dog and 3 comic books with you’, I’d say ‘Well, is that like, 3 comics I’d have to read over and over or could I keep pulling them?’. They’d say ‘What?’ I’d say, ‘Like, could I keep pulling the issues so I could continue following the story while I flee the Zombies’ They’d say ‘Well, of course your LCS is being relocated to within a safe enclosed fortress so they’ll still be able to distribute media to its customers’. I’d then rush over to my rack and take Conan the Barbarian first without question. I’d probably take Love Everlasting next and debate whether I should take Helen of Wyndhorn or fucking Saga. There’d be nothing worse if BKV still took 6 month hiatuses during a Zombie Apocalypse. Dude. You’re in a barbed wire enclosed fortress with Fiona, y’all should be pumping out Saga bi-weekly my guy. Anyway, this Conan comic is the fucking best. 9.8

 

 

 

After I stirred up all this Hullabaloo on LOCG (League of Comic Geeks) by proclaiming Ultimate Spidey 4 a Boring AF comic since it was nothing more than a dinner conversation, I had a stink eye prepped for this issue as the solicit told me it was going to be another one of those Backstory Bingos that publishers/creators use to deal with Artist hiatuses. I’m okay with a Backstory Bingo/Tangential Issue or Episode for a secondary character, but it has to be memorable AF - clearly my feeling of this book requires multiple AFs. I always use the recent example of the episode in the final season of Ted Lasso that was dedicated solely to Beard. He leaves Ted and goes on this wild and wacky adventure throughout London; it was fantastic and in a way I remember that episode more than I do the others of that season. So it can be done, but man, you better come wit dat ruffneck bidness if you’re going to do it. Did Hickman bring a ‘Beard’ issue to the table? Not really. It was a solid and interesting Backstory Bingo and Hickman’s such a fucking great writer he can make anything intriguing. Yet at the end of the page count, it’s still a Backstory Bingo Bonanza that could have been dripped in with subsequent issues that moved the story forward. 

 

If you ask me, Hickman could have taken the 2 months off that he used for Issue 4 & 5 of this book and, oh, I dunno, FINISHED THE BLACK MONDAY MURDERS!!! Hicksy! WTF?!?! That book is still hanging in the ether! Finish that shit! It was amazing! And while you’re at it FINISH THE DYING AND THE DEAD!!!! WTF is wrong with you??? I feel like a nerdy chick who just got picked up, banged and dumped by Brian Wood at a Comic Con. Get to work on those Dammit! Yeesh. Man, Issue 6 of this book better be the Shizzznit or I’m dropping this like a booger on a plane seat. 6.6

 

 

 

 

I am really loving this Dubz run. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Best Dubz run since the New 52 dropped out of the sky and Azzarello and Chiang absolutely destroyed this book with their combined genius. I do have a bone to pick here though. So at the end of last issue Dubz heroically overcomes her captor’s ‘Rope of Lies’ or whatever and is able to slough off her restraints and reach his neck with her hands. Next thing we see is that she’s in a prison cell in the dark with no windows. Umm, how did we get here? This is the same Dubz from a previous issue that was taking on the entire U.S. Army and was throwing tanks around like I throw doggie toys around my home. This is the same Dubz who took the blow of half of the Washington Monument being throttled on top of her, and yet, she couldn’t subdue a bunch of soldiers in a room, nor escape a guarded cell for months??? She had to eat a rat? Really? Then lost her mind and befriended another rat? 

 

Of course she ate the male rat and befriended the female rat who was its mate. I bet the male rat was a bumbling husband who had a gut and drank beer and had no respect from his rat wife but since she was so noble and had a heart she found it in herself to love the animal with no brains cuz that’s what females do when it comes to husbands since all husbands are Al Bundyesque idiots. You think I wouldn’t pick up on that King? C’mon dude. I’ll forgive you for the fact that you felt the need for some Steve McQueen ‘Papillon’ shit but let’s get back to main narrative. From the cliffhanger I can tell you’re ready to do so, so, bring the ruckus and dat roughneck Dubz bizness. 7.7

 

 

 

The Next Great book out of Image may have finally dropped after a long run of mediocrity and mnyeh from the Publisher that once could do no wrong. With Falling in Love On the Path to Hell Duggan & Co. have concocted a premise so bonkers and yet somehow so perfect that there’s almost no way you won’t be coming back for seconds. Sometimes reckless passion executed with acute simplicity is all you need to deliver something great. When creators go ‘Hey, what if we did this?’ and then laugh and get wildly excited about it at the same time it provides the breeding ground for creating a piece that people will never forget it. No need for me to break down their premise or explain the elements. Just go grab the first issue of this if you can and remind yourself why you love comic books so much. 9.1

 

 

 

 

Umm, this Masterpiece issue was kinda crappy and a general eye roll/flip ahead. Not sure why other than it felt like Bendis was trying to be too cool with the dialogue and character development. Maybe the premise of this book was wack from the get go. A billionaire who supposedly murdered a husband and wife who were thieves that stole from him is now after their kid because, she’s their kid. I think it’s a commentary on how the super rich are so narcissistic that whatever they want is justified, even if it means killing a kid. The kid's assembling a team with an array of cool spy type abilities was really neato, but maybe this premise needed to stay in the oven for a bit longer. It feels soft in the middle. Just one issue to go which feels a little wonky since there seems to be a lot of unresolved shit to tie up after these 5 issues. This was fun for a bit but it’s nowhere near as amazing as ‘Pearl’, Bendis’ last must read book. Still, give me a Bendis/Maleev half baked premise over The Big Poo’s $3.99 jam packed advertisements any day of the week. 7.0

 

 

Great Comics come and go pretty fast. If you don't stop reading caca Tie-In Events from Marvel and DC you might miss them - Pherris Schmuckler

 

WHAT'S THE FURTHEST PLACE FROM HERE #18 - Review

 

Has anyone ever met ‘The Boss Burger’? ‘The Boss Burger’ is how I identify Tyler Boss and Matt Rosenberg, the pseudo geniuses behind this jumbled muddy hodgepodge of a comic. Yes, I googled synonyms for mess and just picked a bunch to add into this post. Hmm, what if I look up synonyms for ‘fucking mess’ will that spit out anything? Let me check…Oh yeah, much better. Let’s do that again: ’The Boss Burger’ is how I identify Tyler Boss and Matt Rosenberg, the pseudo geniuses behind this botched pig’s ear. This series was a full on dog’s dinner debacle that saw this fiasco of a comic book not only go balls-up but go cock-up as well. There, I used all of the synonyms from my search results except for snafu, which I didn’t feel was appropriate for this comic. Snafu is more appropriate for describing the Big Poo (Marvel & DC). Actually, how about The Big Sna-poo, that’s better.

 

 

 

I’m asking if anyone has actually met the Burger Bun Boys because I can’t be sure these two are real. Well, perhaps they were real bu tt I don’t think they’re real anymore. I think they either overdosed on Elmer’s Glue or were offed by a maniacal reader of this book who just couldn’t take it anymore. Image probably decided to keep this shit show going for shits and giggles, so they replaced them with CGI or deep fakes. Maybe they were cloned? Or maybe they made masks out of their heads and actors are playing the part of ‘The Boss Burger’ out in the world. Hmm, what actors would take on these gut punch roles? I can see Kathy Griffin being one of them since nobody will hire her or pay to see her perform anymore. Playing one of the Boss Burger’s is a step up from a Disney Character at Disney World and a step below a Sports Mascot. I can also see Brian Posehn doing one of the Burgers. I feel like he’s dying to be a cool Comic Book Creator Dude and this would be a perfect match even though he’d be wearing a mask. Also, I feel like The Boss Burger dudes have evolved way past pronouns and use interrogatives as their preferred identifiers; as in ‘Who? What? Where? Why? What the Fuck? Why did you Write that? What the fuck is going on? Why did I pay for this???’ You can’t misgender them but you can mis-question them: Why does your comic eat my brain and poo its pages down my throat? Stop Mis-questioning me you Comicphobe! You Plot Supremacist!

 

 

 

You know, I just wanted to bag and board this issue and just toss it. I didn’t want to write a single word about it but that would've be lazy and I’d resent not putting a coda on the frustrating journey I took with this book. At the very least, I was joyful when I saw this book come out because it seemed like it was finally going to be the end of the road. Yeah, no, they’re continuing it for no reason other than to torment me as I must be the last dude reading this fecal firebomb. You know, I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that Marjorie Liu of Monstress was writing this insanity. I don’t know why Marj despises me. Yes, I’ve talked mad shit about her for years but, hey, I’m still buying the fucking books so chill Marj, cut me a break! I've dropped 200 bones on your derangement! You have flying pirate cats in your comic, somebody’s gotta rip you a new one for that! Anyway, there’s no fucking way I’m continuing on this road of mindless poo pages anymore so I had to have the last say before I donate this run to a local library. Although that might be next level cruel, to ruin a teenager or some elderly person’s life by subjecting them to this lunacy.

 

I said this about 6 issues ago, I think these two initially plotted out a six issue series. This was going to be their paean to vinyl and their love of Lord of the Flies. Somehow along the way it got popular, because they had a brilliant premise, and the suits asked for more while dumping a bag of dough in front of them. Naturally this caused ‘The Boss Burger’ to veer off into a Pineapple Express period where the anxiety caused them to get blitzed and drugged out of their minds. How do I know this? Because they had guest artists and wrote not one, not two, but like 4 Backstory Bingo issues in a row! Which is unheard of. Clearly they had no idea what to do with the story.

 

 

Once they finally returned from their Ayahuasca trip in Echo Park ‘The Boss Burger’ somehow steered this book into the main narrative and revealed the secret of their plot, which was the main reason why anyone stayed hooked to this book to begin with. So they revealed why everything was the way it was, and – well, it was kinda lame. It’s like if you finally put the balls of an exec from KFC in a vice and forced them to give you the secret spice mixture to the chicken and they bawled and said ‘We take smoked paprika, fart on it and leave out in the sun for a few days!’. Once ‘Boss Burger’ pulled the veil back on their world it was pretty much all downhill and I figured there was a possibility that they actually would wrap this puppy up with a bang; maybe even throw in a full length vinyl or something.

 

Well, they didn’t. This issue was, oy, this issue. You know what this issue was like? Remember when you were a kid and you were playing with your toys, specifically action figures? You probably had different brands and sizes of action figures or figurines from various worlds: Army Men, Superheroes, Robots, Star Wars, whatever. What you would do is you would putvarious factions of each together in groups and have them fight each other or plot their demise while putting them in various toy vehicles or what not. These battles or the plotting of these battles could take weeks or they might end unceremoniously after an hour or so. That’s what this comic is, specifically this issue. It’s like a bunch of random factions of weirdos and disparate characters that were made to fight and conclude their battle because Mommy was calling the creators down for dinner. ‘Boss Burger…dinner’s ready, hurry downstairs!’. 

 

 

 

So Boss Burger mushed all these characters together like a toddler finishing up an Action Figure fight. There was blood and guts and ridiculous final sentiments bellowed such as ‘You’re getting what you deserve! Ha, Ha! Not this time Pal! Get Them!’. What a fucking mess. This issue wasn’t a Deus Ex Machina it was a Poo Ex Machina. Maybe they should rename this book ‘What’s the Furthest Poop From Here?’.

 

Boss Burger tidied up this unresolved cluster fuck of a plot and now they want you to follow this rag tag cast of characters through the snowy drifts into a new world. Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me 18 times for $4 a pop, shame on your drug dealers. Ain’t happening. Stick a Pixie Stick filled with Meth in this baby, it’s dunzo.

 

I gotta say, Image has kinda been crapping the bed lately. I feel like they’re either just throwing whatever they can at the wall to see if it’ll stick or investing way too much time in the new Super Hero Universe they’re trying to pump up, which looks uninspiring to say the least. I mean, they still have Saga, which is admittedly the greatest thing ever, but even their recent 6 issue run from 6 months ago was kinda mnyeh. What’s the great Image series now? Love Everlasting and that’s about it. Well, I can’t support CGI Comic Dudes, Raging Meth Addicts or Brian Posehn in a Boss Burger mask so it’s time to give this the droperoo and focus my angst and tears on Monstress going forward.

 

If anyone decides to hunt down Boss Burger or plans to do an intervention on them lemme know, I’m not that far from Echo Park and at the very least I can grab some doggie stuff from one of my fave doggie spots in LA, The Petstaurant. Yes it’s called ‘The Petstaurant’. Hey Boss Burger, I just gave you the name of your next title. You can run with it, take it, I want nothing in return except a concise coherent story and my little princess immortalized as your lead. It’s the least you can fucking do. 

 

Rating: 4.4

Verdict: Drop and Start Therapy

May '24 Reading Round Up

 

Seems like I ignited a fire crackin' hullabaloo over at League of Comic Geeks when I commented on the 4th issue of Ultimate Spidey. I have my own blurb of a review below but I basically said that the entire issue was a fucking waste of time and bored me to tears. Hickman had zero panels of Spidey actual being Spidey. No, Peter Parker at a double dinner date with MJ, Harry and Gwen looking like a Mormon does not count as Spidey panels. They did their homage to a bad acting class scene for Issue 4 and Issue 5 is pegged as a Backstory Bingo for Harry because Marco, their amazing Artist, was unavailable after the first 3 issues. Which means, they had a hiatus, yet rather than take the time off they shoved these two useless issues down our throats and collected their 2 months of comic dollar butter for their coffers.

The Geeks got upset, 'It's Character Development!' they cried. 'Aww, you should just play with your Action Figures if all you want is action' they sneered. Look, an Artist is just as integral if not more when it comes to a Comic. You just can't swap someone out like they're a drummer in an 80s Metal Band and think it'll be a seamless transition. Hickman obviously knows this since he all but halted the main narrative and veered off into a Dinner Party and a Backstory far far from the ongoing action. So this basically comes down to Marvisney being greedy and not being okay with having a gap in their publishing schedule. Eff you Marvisney. May your Stock crater and your Market Cap crumble.

It's such a shame because the first 3 issues were really enjoyable. It's like you've gone out with a beautifully intelligent babe for 3 dates and then for no reason you're forced to date her Blob of a roommate who looks like the female lead in Baby Reindeer. She shows up to your first of two dates dressed like she just came from a 2024 college protest and it's scared little turtle time in your boxer briefs. Yeah, I turned off that Baby Reindeer series when the Psycho Ogre confronted the male lead in a dimly lit street late at night angry about not getting the anal that the guy promised she'd be getting.

 

Anyway, here's what else I got into this month: 

 

Ram V is an auto-fuckin-matic pull these days. I see his name on anything I’m grabbing that sucka. Well, except for Detective Comics. I tried. It was brutal. I blame DC. For some reason there’s been a controlled demolition on the cheaper Batman titles; they’ve been awful. Unreadable. The pricey Bat Stuff has been consistently great. So clearly DC’s strategy is let’s make them have to get the pricey Bat stuff and then make them have to buy the cheap wack AF Bat stuff with the top shelf writers in Zdarsky and Rammy. They’ll hate the cheap shit but still buy it because they have faith in the writers. They’ll always buy the pricey shit because they know it’ll be waaay better than the cheap shit. Well, you got me on the pricey shit but I ain’t buying your Pabst Blue Ribbon Store Brand Bats. Anyway, Rammy get’s an automatic pull. Except, well, I’m not really a fan of the, what is it called, ‘The Mech’ genre? I get that a lot of geeks geek the fuck out over this type of material, but not me. So, while I can appreciate that Dawnrunner is probably good and would probably tickle my Mech Prostate if I was into Mech, the fact of the matter is that I’m not. Like, I think ‘Transformers’ stuff is goofy AF; even when I was a kid. So I grabbed an ish outta respect for the Rammy, but yeah, this type of stuff is a snoozer for me. On to the next V.

 

 

 

King, listen to me, you have the makings of what very well could be one of the greatest stories to ever hit the comic book world in decades. I’m not saying that it will be, I’m saying it could be. You have a great set-up, a perfectly crafted world with three very distinct and strong lead characters. You have an Artist, in Bilquis Evely, who is drawing out of her mind and blistering these pages with her line work. And, from what I can tell, you have a publisher in Dark Horse who won’t call you into an Editor’s meeting and force you to put on fetish gear and demand naughty things from you as you agree to destroy your story (looking at you DC). I hope Helen of Wyndhorn isn’t a limited series. I hope you take the time to explore this world and build it out into something extraordinary. Between this, Dubz and Love Everlasting you have become the Aaron Judge of comics and are absolutely blistering these story balls into the upper decks.

 

 

 

I cannot recommend Rare Flavours enough, what an absolutely wonderful tale by Ram V that is beautifully drawn by ARTIST. I mean, what genre is this comic? Next Level? You Wish You Could? Maybe Ram V should start his own publishing company and call it The Grand One in response to DC and Marvisney being call the Big 2, or the Big Poo as I like to call them. The mastery in this specific issue is that nothing earth shattering happens as it draws to its conclusion. Rather, it is a delicate reveal of all the characters, their motives and vulnerabilities. It’s been a privilege reading this and I’ll be sad to see it end. I can only hope that this partnership continues and that they bless future solicits with their work for years to come.

 

 

 

 

 

An absolute ballsy IDGAF issue by Hickman and Marvisney. In a book called Spider-Man they don’t have one single fucking panel of Spider-Man. Nor do they have one single panel of the Iron Goblin they call the Green Goblin. Instead all we get is boring AF dinner convo between Peter, MJ, Harry and Gwen Stacy who is his GF in this Universe. Gwen comes off as a pretentious mind numbing corporate dillweed who hates oral and wears the lady pants in the relationship. The entire conversation could take the place of your Ambien if you run out. They drone on about PR Firms and the crazy world beyond the $150 sashimi plates they’re dining on. A new Artist for this issue leads me to believe it’s a pseudo-hiatus issue that Hickman just pooped out to satisfy his Satanic Overlords since there’s no such thing as a month off when your stock price is currently plummeting. What a load of crap. All of the feels from the first 3 issues just went out the window and I’m looking at the solicits to figure out if it’s time to eliminate the only Marvisney title currently in my pull.

 

 

 

Okay, they need to lock up Robert De La Torre and Jim Zub in the first ever multi-million dollar comic book contract so these two do nothing else but write Conan for the next 10 years. They have already mastered the are of writing and illustrating a Conan book and I can’t see how anybody will ever come close to duplicating their deft approach. When you see a creative team that clearly loves a character and the world they inhabit it just makes you wish for the same treatment for other great characters that are currently getting abused by their current creative teams (ahem, looking at you Big Poo) There’s not a lot of absolutes when it comes to comic books. Some are 1. Matt Fraction will walk away from a series in the middle 2. Jeff Lemire will write some weird shit, and now 3. Jim Zub & Robert De la Torre will Crush a Conan Comic. Make Mine Titan!

 

 

 

 

After a mind boggling WTF Issue 7 where Dubz and Supes head to an Alien Planet to shop for Bats (which clearly had a deeper meaning and was probably a power play btwn King & DC) King came back to the main story with another powerhouse issue that culminated with a heroic finale/cliffhanger. Couple things 1. The Sovereign is giving ‘The Simpsons Mr. Burns’ vibes and I think at any moment he’s just going to say ‘Excellllent 2. No way Dubz is a bad cook. Maybe she’s not a Pot Roast/Breakfast kinda cook. I see her as a casserole/wok/smoothie/Acai bowl kinda gal. Sampere’s art is f&%#ing gorgeous and this is by far the best Dubz run in over a decade.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ugh, will Monstress ever end?? Yes their landmark 50th issue was quite good and got their main plot and characters back on track to something substantive with high stakes, yet as I pored over the first few pages I immediately flipped towards the end. It’s just more and more bombast, war strategy, covert alliances and dramatic entrances and exits. I’ve kinda forgotten which anthropomorphic character is whom, there’s sharks and tigers and foxes, oh my, oy vey. let’s not forget that the recap at the beginning of the comic references Intergalactic Warrior Cats. With no end in sight from the solicits it looks like Sana Takeda’s gorgeous art is going to keep us hooked to a relationship that probably should’ve ended months ago. So basically Monstress is like dating a Super Model/Actress who says she’s handling her issues by going to therapy yet still gets drunk on weeknights and comes over to your place to do a lot of dramatic entrances and exits. We're at that point where you're going to bars every night and complaining to friends and strangers about your relationship. They tell you to walk away and you agree with them but the next morning you're back reading about Intergalactic Warrior Cats working at a Cat Cafe to make ends meet.

 

 

 

That's it! Looking forward to getting around to reading Ultimate Spidey #5 so I can go back on LOCG and tell everyone what an absolute piece of swill it is, because I'm sure it will be. Backstory Issue Bingo Bongo's need to end. Unless you're Saga. Saga can do 3 years of back stories and I'd be fine with it.

Happy Reading!

PENTHOUSE #2 - Review

 

Penthouse is baby got back for some more big phat ass stories! First, that is one juicy beefsteak tomato on the cover although, as I’ve stated before, I’m not a fan of the tats. I think Bel Biv Devoe’s iconic song ‘Poison’ should be updated and the lyric changed to: ‘Never trust a Big Butt and a Tattoo Sleeve’.  Generally speaking, the more tats you got the more trauma you’ve endured and the more pain you get off on; at least that’s what Freud basically says about tats. This Blonde on the cover wants nothing to do with you comic geeks out there unless you’re rolling in Crypto Cash and can sweep her away to Tulum with 25k and a mound of coke. That said, nothing wrong with a plump tucchus to start your comic book reading in the morning.

 

The first page of this second installment mentions that their first issue sold 30,000 copies, wow! That sounds like a lot. That also tracks with the approach of selling to horny lonely comic dudes, ‘Hey buy this $10 ‘comic book’ that just happens to have a bunch of naked babes in it.’. Despite the copious amounts of tits and ass, the first issue was pretty fucking awful as far as the stories went. Yet the format was sound and if they could fix the content it had immense potential, so I begrudgingly dropped another 10 spot on this offering. It was like going out on a second date with a brain dead hottie, maybe you’ll get some, maybe her dumb girl antics are just an act and she’s really intelligent and insightful, or maybe she’ll bang the bus boy and the valet in the bathroom while you’re waiting for the chocolate lava cake to arrive.

 

 

 

 

To their credit, Penthouse apologized for their typos and messy first issue and promised even better stories going forward. They even added a fifth story to this issue compared to just four for the previous one. Maybe they just threw this thing together for shits and giggles and were shocked it sold so many issues and now they realize they have a golden goose butt on their face so they’re making sure it’s legit. Anyway, let’s breakdown the parts of this Ass Parade.

 

The Dead All Have the Same Skin – A large chiseled bouncer who is Black but looks white works a club where there’s a gambling room on the second floor and, I think a brothel on the third floor? There’s also a room with drawn curtains for fetish shit on the second? And, umm, plot? Can I get one? I’m not sure what the conflict is here or why I should care about anybody. It was set-up that this dude is Black, but looks white, and – so what? Is that a key part of your story? All I get is, some Bright Skinned Black Dude breaks up a fight and then bangs a ho in the backseat of his car. Whoop de fucking do. This is the last panel of the story:

 

 

 

 

This is what the Editors of Marvisney look like after they get off the phone with whomever is writing their comics for them. They’re literally jizzing over how genius they think their notes and suggestions are despite the fact that their comics are all but unreadable. My goodness, how many more installments of this do I have to bite the palm of my hand through??? Seriously, are these new comics or did they dust them off from years ago and throw them into this anthology? I never read Penthouse, was this how the comics were, these stories are fucking brutal. Oy vey. Not a good start. This was definitely not foreplay, rather a knee to the nuts.

 

 

 I Spit on Your Grave - I vaguely remember what the hell this story was about. Some blonde hunk dude goes to a small town, meets up with some hot young people, they jump in a lake all naked, he bangs the hot girls and then I dunno, I didn’t give a shit so I forgot. Now he’s at the lake, some rich dude shows up, now he’s at a rich party in a tux and he wants to bang the rich girls in the fancy dresses. Everyone leaves and as he’s carrying one of the rich chicks into a house where there’s an after party, she pukes. Maybe it was from drinking too much, maybe it was from realizing she’s in an awful comic anthology that only sold because of a juicy tucchus on the cover. 

 

 

It may seem like I’m oversimplifying the story but honestly, I can’t make heads or tales of what the fucking plot is other than waiting for the blonde hunk to plow some poon chowder. From the looks of it, seems like the creators are all foreign, did this get lost in translation. Maybe it’s a genius piece of literature and some comic geek at Penthouse hopped up on Mountain Dew, cocaine and surrounded by porn is making some awful decisions in deciphering the story.

 

This story should have been renamed I Spit on Your $10 Tucchus Comix.

 

 

Miss October – I still have no idea what the fuck is going on in this story. It looks great, although so many of the characters appear to be too similar so I lose track of who’s who and what the hell they want. Somebody’s murdering Playmates and taking pictures of them after. Seems a bit dark considering Penthouse was the Bunny’s main comp for so many years but whatever. There’s also this hot Blonde rich girl who’s now a Cat Burglar stealing jewelry and fencing it. I don’t know how this connects to the main plot but since there doesn’t seem to be one maybe it doesn’t matter. There’s lots of handwritten notes and cool 60s LA scenery. There’s some nice au natural 60s sex with corsets and the like. It’s basically a glorified Mad Men meets Chinatown kinda vibe. 

 

It’s all very pretty to look at but confusing as hell. I get enough of that walking around La La Land these days. This is just part two of eight? Oy vey. It’s supposedly not coming back until October, maybe by then it’ll – oh who am I kidding, it’ll still be pretty and a head scratcher. Just cancel the remaining 6 installments, admit failure, and move on. Just say Matt Fraction was actually writing this story and we’ll forget it ever began.

 

 

The Dream – Another WTF is going on/why am I reading this disjointed plot experience. The Adonis dude who performed sex in a club until a psycho Asian Chick who’s the daughter of a Gangster forced him to leave with her after his Sex Partner/GF was kicked in the ribs and left in the street, is back from the first installment, whoopee! We start with the GF and her broken ribs who’s sitting outside topless with bandages under her boobs. I suppose topless sunbathing helps your ribs heal faster. Given how this story is going I assume she’ll burn her butt in this installment and we’ll see her with her ass out and a bandage around her waist in the next issue.

 

The Adonis Dude is now auditioning for a film for a creepy director with an eyepatch. I’ve been in the entertainment business for over 40 years and I have yet to meet anybody who wears an eyepatch. They’re called sunglasses. That’s what they wear. Sun-fucking-glasses. He then is told to sit on a couch in front a large painting to read his lines. The painting is of a bunch of demons having an orgy with a bunch of naked chicks. Now, I've been on my share of auditions in my life. I gotta say, no matter how young, stupid or naive I was if some creepy dude in an eye patch gave me a script and told me to sit in front of a painting of a demon orgy I'm pretty sure I'd ask where bathroom was and then sprint to my car. Oh, and when this Adonis loser reads his lines the painting comes to life. Why? I have no fucking idea. I also have no fucking idea if Penthouse honors refunds. It gets worse.

The Creepy Eye Patch drives over to the Topless Broken Ribs chick to give her a car for her troubles. Then, he takes the keys back, says hold up, goes and finds a guy named 'Jack the Rat' (I am not making this up) hits and kills him with the car then returns to Broken Ribs Babe with a busted bumper and blood on it and says 'Here, now you can have it'. Given the absurdity of this scene I'm surprised she didn't ask if the insurance was with Geico cuz she likes little talking lizards up her butt. 

 

 

 

 

This nonsense installment ends with the Adonis going back to film a scene with Herr Eye Patch and is introduced to a short haired pale skinned goth chick with tats all over her called 'The Strange'. Maybe if she was dressed like a Naughty Dr. Strange with an 'Eye of Cumonahoho' shaped like a poon it would have saved this story or at least made for an interesting cooch-hanger.

I think they need to add these Penthouse Comixx to Writing Program Curriculum so students can be presented with what exactly not to do if you're interested in crafting an engaging story.

 

 

Gun Crazy - Finally they ended the barrage of word death with what I considered one of the most ridiculous fucking premises in the history of premises. I'm still beside myself as to how they came up with this one. So, two Lesbian Lovers, who are not white at all, who meet in the army, decide that they're going to disguise themselves in make-up so that they look white. Then, they're going to strip for the drek of society, who obviously must be in Biker Bars. As they strip their make-up will fade and then what that happens they're going to take out their guns and murder everyone in the bar.

 

 

Here's an idea: Why don't they strip for all the Politicians in DC instead? You're looking for the scum of the earth, well, most of them are there, have at it! It's so banal and reductive it hurt my eyes. Well,  there's zero mention of it or them in this installment, instead we get SuperWhiteMan. A new kind of Racist Superhero dressed in a Ku Klux outfit of some sort who, I dunno, bangs Native American women and then kills them. Oy vey.

Lastly we get a pin-up shoot of some squat, petite Brunette who poses in the dark under a neon sign that says 'Fuck, Marry, Kill'. I'm not sure if that's what you'd do to her if you started dating her or if that's her modus operandi. Yes yes I get that there's a game with the same name yet by the looks of this chick with this type of setting I'm completely freaked out by her and probably won't date another petite brunette for at least, well, okay, I'll date her another one, but, not if she has these psycho eyes. Okay, they all kinda do, okay, well, I'll date her yet ask her explicitly if she's ever murdered anyone, there, see, taking precautions.

It’s apropos that a hot blonde with a beefsteak tomato rumpus would entice me to drop some of my hard earned comic book cashish on this book, those types are usually very good at convincing me to do shit I wouldn’t necessarily do. After reading through these stories I feel yucky. This anthology is like if a hot blonde met me on the street in LA and invited me to a house party. Me, being the goofus and sucker that I can be, probably thought she was interested in me. So I go to the party, I end up having to pay to get in. I meet and talk with 5 different brain dead babes who make zero sense at all and bore me to tears. I find out the blonde has a boyfriend and then I’m stalked by some petite brunette with psycho eyes who forces me to sprint out of the house and evade her in the winding streets of the Hollywood Hills until I get cell reception. Yeesh, what a fucking nightmare. 

 

 

I actually did that once. Some chick at a party in the hills was freaking me out and I had to wander around outside for like 30 minutes until I got reception to call an Uber. After the Uber picked me up I immediately passed her also randomly walking around. Was she also looking for cell reception or was she looking for me to put me in a duffel bag and drag me to Mexico?

 

 

Penthouse, I’m done with your Anthology Disaster. I feel gross, as if I’ve flipped a channel to a hot sensuous sex scene, yet it somehow devolved into a gangbang bukkake fest with a bunch of dudes who look like Klaus Schwab. Now, you did tease the fact that you’ve got a bunch of other projects, that seem more cohesive and interesting, that you’ll be releasing under your imprint. Looks like either some graphic novels, or one-shots, or maybe a monthly, I can’t tell. The subject matter seemed cool. I'm down to give those a shot despite these disasters that cost me $20. It's like I paid for a lapdance and all the Strippers in the club formed a line in front of me and pooted.

 

 

 

Look, the market desperately needs adult, erotic, sexy titles so there is a void that needs filling. Unfortunately, what you’ve filled it with it so far is a floppy dildo made out of the most inane, ridiculous and mind numbing plots known to mankind. Give us some stories that vibrate, characters that tickle our brown eyes and maybe we’ll drop that $10 a month you obviously need to pay psychopathic crazy eyed chicks to do photo-shoots with you.

 

Fuck, Marry, Kill? More like: Read, Fart, Drop.

 

 

RATING: 1.3

VERDICT: Drop and Run