Has anyone ever met ‘The Boss Burger’? ‘The Boss Burger’ is how I identify Tyler Boss and Matt Rosenberg, the pseudo geniuses behind this jumbled muddy hodgepodge of a comic. Yes, I googled synonyms for mess and just picked a bunch to add into this post. Hmm, what if I look up synonyms for ‘fucking mess’ will that spit out anything? Let me check…Oh yeah, much better. Let’s do that again: ’The Boss Burger’ is how I identify Tyler Boss and Matt Rosenberg, the pseudo geniuses behind this botched pig’s ear. This series was a full on dog’s dinner debacle that saw this fiasco of a comic book not only go balls-up but go cock-up as well. There, I used all of the synonyms from my search results except for snafu, which I didn’t feel was appropriate for this comic. Snafu is more appropriate for describing the Big Poo (Marvel & DC). Actually, how about The Big Sna-poo, that’s better.
I’m asking if anyone has actually met the Burger Bun Boys because I can’t be sure these two are real. Well, perhaps they were real bu tt I don’t think they’re real anymore. I think they either overdosed on Elmer’s Glue or were offed by a maniacal reader of this book who just couldn’t take it anymore. Image probably decided to keep this shit show going for shits and giggles, so they replaced them with CGI or deep fakes. Maybe they were cloned? Or maybe they made masks out of their heads and actors are playing the part of ‘The Boss Burger’ out in the world. Hmm, what actors would take on these gut punch roles? I can see Kathy Griffin being one of them since nobody will hire her or pay to see her perform anymore. Playing one of the Boss Burger’s is a step up from a Disney Character at Disney World and a step below a Sports Mascot. I can also see Brian Posehn doing one of the Burgers. I feel like he’s dying to be a cool Comic Book Creator Dude and this would be a perfect match even though he’d be wearing a mask. Also, I feel like The Boss Burger dudes have evolved way past pronouns and use interrogatives as their preferred identifiers; as in ‘Who? What? Where? Why? What the Fuck? Why did you Write that? What the fuck is going on? Why did I pay for this???’ You can’t misgender them but you can mis-question them: Why does your comic eat my brain and poo its pages down my throat? Stop Mis-questioning me you Comicphobe! You Plot Supremacist!
You know, I just wanted to bag and board this issue and just toss it. I didn’t want to write a single word about it but that would've be lazy and I’d resent not putting a coda on the frustrating journey I took with this book. At the very least, I was joyful when I saw this book come out because it seemed like it was finally going to be the end of the road. Yeah, no, they’re continuing it for no reason other than to torment me as I must be the last dude reading this fecal firebomb. You know, I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that Marjorie Liu of Monstress was writing this insanity. I don’t know why Marj despises me. Yes, I’ve talked mad shit about her for years but, hey, I’m still buying the fucking books so chill Marj, cut me a break! I've dropped 200 bones on your derangement! You have flying pirate cats in your comic, somebody’s gotta rip you a new one for that! Anyway, there’s no fucking way I’m continuing on this road of mindless poo pages anymore so I had to have the last say before I donate this run to a local library. Although that might be next level cruel, to ruin a teenager or some elderly person’s life by subjecting them to this lunacy.
I said this about 6 issues ago, I think these two initially plotted out a six issue series. This was going to be their paean to vinyl and their love of Lord of the Flies. Somehow along the way it got popular, because they had a brilliant premise, and the suits asked for more while dumping a bag of dough in front of them. Naturally this caused ‘The Boss Burger’ to veer off into a Pineapple Express period where the anxiety caused them to get blitzed and drugged out of their minds. How do I know this? Because they had guest artists and wrote not one, not two, but like 4 Backstory Bingo issues in a row! Which is unheard of. Clearly they had no idea what to do with the story.
Once they finally returned from their Ayahuasca trip in Echo Park ‘The Boss Burger’ somehow steered this book into the main narrative and revealed the secret of their plot, which was the main reason why anyone stayed hooked to this book to begin with. So they revealed why everything was the way it was, and – well, it was kinda lame. It’s like if you finally put the balls of an exec from KFC in a vice and forced them to give you the secret spice mixture to the chicken and they bawled and said ‘We take smoked paprika, fart on it and leave out in the sun for a few days!’. Once ‘Boss Burger’ pulled the veil back on their world it was pretty much all downhill and I figured there was a possibility that they actually would wrap this puppy up with a bang; maybe even throw in a full length vinyl or something.
Well, they didn’t. This issue was, oy, this issue. You know what this issue was like? Remember when you were a kid and you were playing with your toys, specifically action figures? You probably had different brands and sizes of action figures or figurines from various worlds: Army Men, Superheroes, Robots, Star Wars, whatever. What you would do is you would putvarious factions of each together in groups and have them fight each other or plot their demise while putting them in various toy vehicles or what not. These battles or the plotting of these battles could take weeks or they might end unceremoniously after an hour or so. That’s what this comic is, specifically this issue. It’s like a bunch of random factions of weirdos and disparate characters that were made to fight and conclude their battle because Mommy was calling the creators down for dinner. ‘Boss Burger…dinner’s ready, hurry downstairs!’.
So Boss Burger mushed all these characters together like a toddler finishing up an Action Figure fight. There was blood and guts and ridiculous final sentiments bellowed such as ‘You’re getting what you deserve! Ha, Ha! Not this time Pal! Get Them!’. What a fucking mess. This issue wasn’t a Deus Ex Machina it was a Poo Ex Machina. Maybe they should rename this book ‘What’s the Furthest Poop From Here?’.
Boss Burger tidied up this unresolved cluster fuck of a plot and now they want you to follow this rag tag cast of characters through the snowy drifts into a new world. Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me 18 times for $4 a pop, shame on your drug dealers. Ain’t happening. Stick a Pixie Stick filled with Meth in this baby, it’s dunzo.
I gotta say, Image has kinda been crapping the bed lately. I feel like they’re either just throwing whatever they can at the wall to see if it’ll stick or investing way too much time in the new Super Hero Universe they’re trying to pump up, which looks uninspiring to say the least. I mean, they still have Saga, which is admittedly the greatest thing ever, but even their recent 6 issue run from 6 months ago was kinda mnyeh. What’s the great Image series now? Love Everlasting and that’s about it. Well, I can’t support CGI Comic Dudes, Raging Meth Addicts or Brian Posehn in a Boss Burger mask so it’s time to give this the droperoo and focus my angst and tears on Monstress going forward.
If anyone decides to hunt down Boss Burger or plans to do an intervention on them lemme know, I’m not that far from Echo Park and at the very least I can grab some doggie stuff from one of my fave doggie spots in LA, The Petstaurant. Yes it’s called ‘The Petstaurant’. Hey Boss Burger, I just gave you the name of your next title. You can run with it, take it, I want nothing in return except a concise coherent story and my little princess immortalized as your lead. It’s the least you can fucking do.
Verdict: Drop and Start Therapy
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