TRVE KVLT #1 - Review

 

From the moment I opened this book and saw it was going to be a fast food caper I immediately flashed back to ‘Better off Dead’ starring John Cusack and his portrayal of the suicidal ‘friend-zoned’ Lane Meyers. Out of all the wacky, depressing and demeaning moments we’ve seen in pop culture when fast food is front and center none beats the big fatso guy who played Porky in the Porky’s movies ordering around a downtrodden John Cusack in a place called ‘Pig burgers’.

 

Then there was that iconic hallucination where a burger that Lane was forming turned into a Claymation Van Halen Burger replete with the Eddie Guitar and David Lee Roth howls.

 

 

Have the Pop People made their ‘Better off Dead’ line yet? Talk about selling like hotcakes. How many limited editions of the Van Halen Burger and the Paper Boy screaming for his Twooo Dollarrrrs would they sell out of?

 

So now here we have ‘Trve Kvlt’ described as a Horror-Comedy about a loser Metalhead/lifelong fast food worker named Marty ‘Tarantula’ who absolutely loves working at his job at Burger Lord. He decides to have a full life reset (not to be confused with the Klaus Schwab’s ‘Great Reset’ where you will own nothing, eat bugs and like it) which manifests into the brilliant idea to rip off all the stores in a strip mall during the most perfect time of the day. After his successful heist he comes upon a delivery van and snatches an item from the driver which turns out be a coveted item from a local Satanic Cult.

 

First of all, I’m trying to figure out why a V was substituted where the U would go in the title of the book. Is this a new pronoun? Time Magazine just acknowledged and addressed someone in a recent article as ‘Eir’ ‘Ey’ so I really can’t be sure these days. If Trve is a new pronoun well I love you and accept you and you deserve to have sex with whomever and whatever you want as long as ey are okay with it. The ‘Kvlt’ trips me up because it sounds a bit too much like Gefilte Fish so right off the bat I’ve got that taste in my mouth, which depending on whether it’s baked or from a jar could be a good thing or a bad thing. I’m down with the Gefilte if it’s baked but that jelly stuff brings back bad Hebrew School memories. Maybe they’re aiming for Gevalt like ‘Oy Gevalt’ which is a Yiddish euphemism for Oh Crap. Maybe I’m reading a True Krap comic?

 

Well, it’s not crap, it’s a decent read; nothing too earth shattering. Marty is out of touch and dumbed down enough to keep him likable. I would say his boss Bernice is a bit too attractive to be a long term Fast Food Burger Joint Boss. I mean look at her. She’s more ‘Agent of Wakanda’ than she is Burger Lord Babe. Have you ever seen anyone as good looking as Bernice work for 15 years at a chintzy burger joint before? Then there’s Alison a new burger recruit who’s infatuated with working for The Lord. She shows up for her interview and ends up covering for Marty when the cops show up. She too, a bit too attractive. She’s got that nerdy glasses Janeane Garafalo vibe going. I’ve only  once ever had my jaw drop at an employee when I walked into a burger joint. That was at a Burger Lounge here in LA; still one of the best grass fed burgers in town for the price. This Latina worked at the Burger Lounge on the Sunset Strip and my goodness she was eye popping beautiful. 

 

How do you even ask out a girl like that? The only thing I could think of as to why she was even working there is that her loser unemployed boyfriend was amazing in bed and and during a four hour bang session while on top he got her to wail 'Yes Daddy! I'll work that Burger Joint Daddy'. Well, that location has since closed and has been replaced by a Starbucks and to this day I wonder if I hallucinated her like a Claymation burger.

 

Anyway, the Satanists show up at the very end. Now, are they like, low level wack job reading it from a book Satanists? Or are they bonafide Lady Gaga half of the people in Hollywood occultists who actually know what they’re doing. No clue. But I’m down to find out, at least for now. Trve Kvlt is a satanic burger story that’s not necessarily horrifying and not necessarily a gut busting funny tale. Yet it’s executed in a way that gets their hooks in you enough that you’ll be back for the fries in issue 2. If Van Burgerlen makes an appearance, even better.

 

Rating: 8.0

Verdict: Pull

August '22 Reading Round Up

 

Hi Comic Book Readers! Here are all the comic books I’ve reviewed in August in a nice tidy place. Book of the month for me was One Dark Knight by Jock with the Mind MGMT limited series reboot right behind it.

Pearl #4

Seven Sons #2

Saga #60

Dark Spaces: Wildfire #1

Detective Comics #1062

New Think 2.0

Monstress #41

Starhenge Book One #1

Norse Mythology Vol. 3 #6

Batman: One Dark Knight #3

Mind MGMT: Bootleg #1

Superman: Space Age #1

Batman #125

Daredevil #1 (2022)

Hope you’re enjoying the reviews and reading some great comic books – Issac

PEARL #4 - Review

I always get a little wary when I see a comic book with quotes on the main cover. Usually it means that the book sucks and it needs a little extra to make the robots in the sales department happy. Usually quotes are from other comic creators or artists with standard thesaurus adjectives and basic action directives. Sometimes the comic will live up to the quotes, most of the time they don’t. Look, you’re not gonna see quotes on a Batman or Spiderman comic. Their covers are like ‘Eff you homie, we Bats and Spidey, you buyin’ us whether you know it or not’.Yeah, Matt Fraction isn’t dropping a quote on the Bats title ‘A Dark Thrill Ride that’ll make you cream your Bat Panties in therapy!’.

 

So I was a bit taken aback when I saw a quote on Pearl, an outstanding series by a creative team that has been clicking on all cylinders ever since the first issue of this great Yakuza gang story dropped. Why do they need a quote? Are their sales dropping? Wait, it’s not a quote from Chip Zdarsky or Becky Cloonan or an exiled Brian Wood it’s a quote by…Kareem Abdul Jabbar???

 

“The best [graphic novel] I’ve read so far this year – and one of the best I’ve read in a long time” – Kareem

 

What??? Since when does Kareem read comics or graphic novels? Wait, why is ‘graphic novel’ in brackets? Was he at a cocktail party in LA and Bendis rumbled up to him all sweaty and boozed up and said “Hey Cap, didya get my thingy I sent you, Yakuza from the Booza” and then he gave that quote but said dirt rag or toilet material or Chinese propaganda and then Bendis went home and said ‘Ahh, he meant graphic novel’

 

Since watching the really good not great HBO Max ‘Showtime’ series I have a negative view of Kareem, especially if that whole ‘Magic brought him fresh squeezed OJ as a rookie every day’ story is true. Did you watch the show? Well the deal was as a rookie you had to squeeze fresh orange juice and bring Cap the paper first thing in the morning and every morning Kareem would answer the door, taste the OJ and say ‘Not good enough’ take the paper and slam the door on the rookie. Maybe Bendis had to do that with his graphic novels. Maybe he was bringing him Daredevil and Powers and Joy Operation to his swank Bel Air abode every morning until finally Kareem, weary of this sweaty bald comic scribe, obliged with a quote.

 

Thing is, why even bother? This series is bonafide great, like one of the top comics out there right now. If you haven’t picked up the two previous story arcs I highly recommend them. For some reason the first two were at Image and this one is at Dark Horse. Perhaps Bendis made some unreasonable demands on Image. Courtside Laker tix? Full size Walking Dead cyborgs? Robert Kirkman being his wingman at Burning Man? Who knows. Regardless, the story has gotten better and better and I’m hooked. Michael Gaydos’ multimedia painting approach is a feast for the eyes and his splash page in this issue with Pearl in a Tarantinoesque Jackson Pollock display is gallery worthy.

 

If you like your new Yakuza Boss with a splash of petite albino bad ass and a side of Jewy best friend and a goofball tat artist boyfriend then you must check out Pearl.

 

Is that my quote? I think so. Y’all can use it. Actually, I like my chocolate chip cookies fresh out the oven in the morning with an organic low acid single origin coffee. Get to it Bendis! I wake up early to walk the doggie so I expect you here when I get back. And bring Maleev. I’ll want him to draw a poster size picture of Elektra sitting on my lap while I read my comics, then I’ll let you have my quote.

 

Rating: 9.1

Verdict: Pull

SEVEN SONS #2 - Review

Variant covers have gotten completely out of control. Seems like a whole industry has pooped, I mean popped up over the buying and selling of variant covers and I find it completely ridiculous. Look, you want to celebrate the release of a new title or series with a bunch of artists contributing to create several alternate covers, which, cost the same, then fine. But if you’re asking a retailer to buy hundreds if not thousands of issues to possibly get one cover and if said cover rockets to triple figures on ebay in less than a day, then I call BS. It’s artificial scarcity. Just like oil. Hey, let’s put a rope around this entire oil area and call it off limits, oh no, not enough oil, it be pricy now.  Doesn’t mean the cover is great just means that they’ve only made a few of them.

 

Also, I find it demeaning to me and my enormous collection of comics that a piddly cover created a week ago is worth more than a comic I bought 40 years ago. My raggedy Hulk #225 which I cherish is worth more than your Herbie Schnurbie Emerald City Augmented Reality Cover which counts as a pokemon go monster. Are people really buying these covers and this artificial scam? I bring this up only because usually a Jae Lee cover is a variant cover and it usually is a pain in the ass to procure.

 

So when I saw that he was actually drawing an entire limited series I thought ‘well damn, you can’t make variant story pages can you?’ Maybe that’s the next tweak, variant interiors! You can have this new Batman Ultra Mega Wow series drawn by our intern for $4.99 or by Banksy for $15,400 or by an AI Artist which is trying to copy Neal Adams for a monthly fee of $29.99 which gets you Hulu Premium since nobody buys Hulu premium unless it’s bundled with something else, am I right? Of course I am.

 

Seven Sons is all Jae Lee art and, well, I like it! It’s got this scruffy detailed feel that a Sean Murphy drawn comic has which I really love. As for the story? I had zero idea what I was in for and when I realized I was dealing with a Jesus in the modern age type thingamajiggy I went ‘Oy vey’.

 

It’s 1998, 7 dudes have been born to Virgins all over the world and the crowning of the new Savior is happening in Vegas. Man, that’s a whole lot to unpack for a variant cover fix. Here’s the thing about Virgin births. I mean, were chicks around the time of Jesus pulling the ‘I didn’t have sex, it’s a Virgin Birth’ card. Like if some teen named Miriam was dating some douchebag named Amos who knocked her up and Miriam’s Dad started to freak out on Miriam couldn’t she go ‘Poppa, I never had sex, God put this baby in me’ How was this not a thing? I would think with all the adultery and lack of a Kama Sutra the excuse that ‘God did it’ would be as common as ‘what the fuck happened to my crops?’

 

The first issue of this series was good, not great. Seems like an actual dude who looks like the other dudes has risen from the dead from the rubble of a building. Meanwhile most of the Virgin Birth Dudes are being picked off one by one by ‘Allah’s Watchmen’ a Radical Muslim cult of killers that need to knock off the Jesi. Oh, they call the 7 dudes the Jesi, which to me just sounds like a nickname you’d call someone named Jessica. In this issue it’s revealed that the guy who predicted this whole phenomenon and who wrote a book on it in the 70s is the ringleader of the Jessicas and knows they’re not saviors, at least that’s what I got from it.

 

The big kicker of the issue is that two of the Jessicas decide to leave the confines of the Vegas Arena they’re being kept in and hit up a VIP table at a popular nightclub in town. Now, one of the Jessicas has done this before and is hooking up with some fine babes at the club while his brother, who’s shy, has not. In order to get in undetected they both wear wigs that look a lot like their original hair, just a different color. Now here’s where I call BS. I’ve dealt with wigs before, especially in my Prince show. They’re not easy AND it’s tough to get something that’s custom made. So you telling me these Jessicas who have no contact with the outside world are gonna get some perfectly coiffed wigs that fit their holy Jessica heads and don’t fall off? No way. Somebody didn’t do his Wig Research!

 

So the Jessicas are getting bottle service and one is hooking up with two hotties while the other is getting comfy with a sexy Redhead when the Evil Muslims come in a firing and ruin the night. Okay, more BS. This is a Vegas club which means those Muslim Males with ZERO chicks on their arms would not be let in at all. Did they bribe the doorman? Probably not. They’d be stuck outside for hours. Allah could show up and unless he’s got Hera or Buddha in a dress with him he ain’t getting into a Vegas club.

 

I get that the villains of the late 90s and 2000s were the evil Muslims but I’m not sure we want to rehash that whole vibe in today’s world. It feels a bit tone deaf. Overall the comic gives you the Jae Lee experience which you want but not necessarily the story that you need. You’re probably going along for the ride. Let’s hope the remaining Jessicas get a better hairstylist and go on a trip to a casino. That’ll be the real test to see if they’re our new saviors; if they can beat that Asian dealer at the Pai Gow table then Praise be the Jessicas!

 

Rating: 8.1

Verdict: Pull

SAGA #60 - Review

 

So if you’re a normie or non comic booky person and you came up to me and asked ‘Okay, what’s the best comic book out there, what should I read?’ I’d ask if you liked superhero stuff and you’d go ‘No, nobody in tights and nothing that’s been made into a billion dollar franchise’ I’d go, okay, and give you these options:

 

1.     Saga

2.     Sex Criminals

3.     Anything by Brubaker & Phillips

 

Actually, maybe I’d say Fatale by Brubaker and Philips or any of the Criminal series to be more specific. But Saga? Saga will appeal to almost anyone. When I had an actual girlfriend who eventually turned into my fiancé who eventually turned into an ex and material for a one-man show she would read Saga with me. She loved Saga.

 

Everyone loves Saga and rightly so. It’s drawn perfectly. It’s written perfectly. The story hinges on a base ‘star crossed lovers’ ‘forbidden love on the run’ storyline during a war that stretches throughout the entire universe of this imaginary realm. And my goodness, it’s so diverse a woke canceller with a knee jerk grimace and nasty comment ready for anyone might have their head explode upon reading it. Of course the brilliance of this comic is that it was what it was waaaay before we entered this period of diversity and gender benders which to me is what makes it so authentic; it wasn’t a reaction to our culture it was creating for our culture.

 

Now that I think about it they MUST make this into a TV show and stream the casting process to the entire world. Every woke pronoun human would probably sit naked in front of the casting show and masturbate for weeks ‘Yes they get it! Yes! More! More under represented! More of them and theys and whatever the hell that is! Saguuuuh guhhhhhhhhhhh [collapse].

 

I think what takes a comic from great into being a cultural phenomenon is when you can say that the letters column is as must a read as the actual comic itself. It happened with Sex Criminals with their legendary letters column and it happened here. Vaughan gets it and knows how to navigate the wide swath of the population who has inhaled his book by giving everyone a voice and staying humble. The one major flaw in this series? The hiatuses.

 

There’s been a bunch of mini hiatuses with this book but Saga went on a looong hiatus several years ago. Several years of no unbelievable Fiona Staples covers and cosplay geniuses in the letters column. It finally came back this year and thrust us into the world of Lana and family on the lam again, this time with an odd looking oblong animal daddy type teddy bear protector with a slim metallic arm. There’s been six issues of alien drug smugglers and a goofy pubescent alien rock band mixed with an S&M flying guy blackmailed into tracking down and slaying our ragtag family.

 

By the time this issue comes to a close another invaluable piece of this family and this epic journey is taken away. Vaughan somehow has the cajones and utter devotion to the story to make these choices even if they break our hearts. Perhaps that’s why Saga works on so many levels. In life, we continually lose pieces of ourselves and gain new ones. Fiona just vacuums you into such a meticulously crafted world that Brian infuses with such authentic emotion it’s hard not love every page and plot twist.

 

Well, now Saga is on ANOTHER hiatus until next year. WTF? Maybe this is a tactic from comic book series that have more than 40 issues. Monstress just did it and now Saga is on the run. Perhaps the publisher is about to cancel them because it’s dragging on too long and they say ‘Hey, we’re going on a hiatus!’ and then they disappear and come back months later at which point the publisher forgets they were going to cancel them. Maybe that’s what it takes. Hey, if you’re about to be fired just say you’re taking a vacay and come back in a few weeks to a big morning meeting like nothing’s happened. George did that in a Seinfeld episode. He told off the boss, called him names, quit, couldn’t find another job and then showed up for a morning meeting like nothing happened ‘What, that? Oh you took me seriously? I do that every now and then, it’s nothing!’

 

Looks like they’re doing six months on and six months off which means if they intend to put out 108 issues of this story then it’ll wrap up around 2030. I will pull any Saga comic at any day on any planet so they can hiatus their way to 2080, if I’m still around it’s getting pulled. For what it's worth I've taken an unintentional hiatus from my dating life for the past 3 years. Maybe I need Fiona to draw me an outfit and Brian to act as my 'Wing' man, get it? Saga, Wings and...uggh, I'm doomed.

 

Rating: It’s Saga. It’s always great.

Verdict: Buy it now. Buy it in six months. Buy it whenever you can.

DARK SPACES: WILDFIRE #1 - Review

 

I’m not really into a ‘Girl in a Uniform’ and that includes the whole ‘Corporate Pencil Skirt and Heels’; not really a huge turn on. I think uniforms work much better for fantasies of the fairer sex. The whole fireman, policeman thing works well for the ‘ooh save me’ girl and the whole construction worker, lumberjack, mechanic works for the ‘ooh work harder you manly man’ type of girl.

 

Guys usually gravitate towards three fantasies

 

1.     French Maid – Ooh yeah you’re sexy when you clean

2.     Nurse – Ooh yeah make me feel better

3.   Naughty – As in put 'Naughty' in front of anything. Naughty Flight Attendant, Naughty Batgirl, Naughty Barista, Naughty Secretary, Naughty Stimulus Check Writer?

 

I’m all for a sexy Batgirl but the other stuff I can take it or leave it. I did once have my ex-fiance dress up in a revealing New York Knicks top and bottom and that did wonders. I told her to say ‘We just won the championship’ over and over, I think I lasted 2 minutes.

 

Well here we have a comic about Firewomen. Not naughty Firewomen but women who are firefighters. Actually turns out there's 5 of them and 4 of them are convicts. So it’s ‘Orange is the new Fire Woman’ or maybe ‘Orange Woman Bad’.

 

It’s written by Scott Snyder who has a lot of Comic Capital when it comes to me even though his ‘Court of Owls’ (best Batman story in modern history) story line was about ten years ago. He muddied through a bunch of DC Metal books and other stories where the entire DC Universe had to be included. You know it’s going to be a rough comic when the Martian character is in the book. There’s probably a plump editor who’s pushing 70 who sits in editorial meetings and gets his Martian in the comic at the last minute, "You know who would be great in this story? Marty the Martian!' I can see writers leaving those meetings thinking ‘Fuck, where the hell am I going to write in that damn Martian’. And when you read the books the Martian is somewhere stuck in the back of the crowd like a bad undersized right fielder in little league.

 

Snyder did have a major win with the ‘Wytches’ series, highly recommended if you haven’t picked it up, but his other offerings have been mnyeh. His latest ‘We have Demons’ with Capullo was a major mish mosh of demon guts and daddy I love you tropes. Looks like IDW is launching a new line of original stories with his book at the top. While imprints like AWA or Scout are the minor leagues of comic books the IDWs and Booms are the small market teams like the Royals, Rays or A’s. I can see Snyder pitching his ‘Orange is the new Firefighter’ story to a bunch of the majors and getting a no but when he showed up at IDW he said:

 

‘Well, I have this story about female fire –‘

 

‘Sold! When can you start? How many variants do you want?’

 

After establishing all the characters and not telling us what they were incarcerated for we get to the whole premise: While putting out a forest fire that was probably started by a DEW/Directed Energy Weapon (my hunch), one of the firegirls (do you say that’s fire? I don’t. I think it sounds silly. Unless you say that’s ice you can’t say that’s fire) mentions that there’s a mansion nearby that has a server with a fortune of crypto on it. After hemming and hawing with whether or not the C.O. who has cancer will allow them to fetch it, it obviously becomes a yes.

 

So Orange Fire is off to get the crypto. I hope they do it quickly. I mean, bitcoin is going to crash soon. I wonder if this story takes place a year ago when it was triple the price it is now. Where do you even put stolen crypto? Are flash drives the new cash bag?

 

Well, I’m in for now. The characters aren't necessarily strong, perhaps their backstory will flesh out better as the series progresses. I looked this up and apparently a book was released in 2021 called 'Breathing Fire' which was about Californian Female Inmates fighting wild fires.  That actually looks like an exciting read. Perhaps Snyder was inspired by this and the drama will ratchet up several notches. 

 

Who knows maybe as the mansion is burning down and they’re trying to squeeze their way out they’ll have to take off their cumbersome fire coats and one of them will be wearing a Sexy Knicks Girl Outfit. One can only dream.

 

Rating: 8.4

Verdict: Pull

DETECTIVE COMICS #1062 - Review

 

When I went to NYU I knew a pair of sisters who were identical twins. One was absolutely stunning. She had bangs, piercing eyes and a body that asked you to look two or three times. She walked with all the confidence in the world and her smile lit up the room. Her sister? The complete opposite. She looked the same physically; pretty much the same haircut and attributes. But she was frumpy, had a doleful look about her and it felt like a dusty cloud followed her everywhere. She was like the female Pigpen. I also for some reason remember her having very hairy forearms.

 

Now the confident one always had a boyfriend, she was never on the market for long. But Frumpy? She was never with anybody. I knew Frumpy, not very well but she ran in the same acting class circles as I did. As I got to know her better I wondered, ‘why don’t I date her?’ She’s the identical twin of super sexy miss popular, what could go wrong? Maybe she just needs a shopping spree or a spa day? Not that I could afford either, but whatever. I never asked her out. We would flirt and I would at times brush closer to her and she would smile this crooked smile at me as if she would rather cry a bucket of tears than smile.

 

Yeah, you wanted the real one not the Xerox copy with the smudgy edges, right? You don’t want the reprint of Hulk 181 you want the original. But the frikkin’ original is hundreds if not thousands of dollars and it pisses you off because you don’t give a shit about Wolverine, you’re a Hulk fan and you have all the Hulks from 125 on but you don’t have a complete run because of the stupid Wolverine appearance and his goofy yellow costume from hell. Wanna ruin my day? Just say Hulk 181.

 

Anyway, the Batman comic is the hot Twin. Detective Comics is the Frumpy one. I almost never buy Detective Comics, the stories just seem so, I dunno, second rate? The greatest stories and art from the past 50 years have all come from Batman. Detective Comics are the New York Jets. They’re the Starz network. You flip through them but then bring the Batman comic to the cashier.

 

After the Zdarsky Batman 125 debacle from a few week ago I was loathe to pick up another non Black Label Batman book but I saw that Ram V was writing it. I had no idea who Ram was until I just picked up ‘Aquaman: Andromeda’. I picked it because it was drawn by Christian Ward one of the best to ever do it and it seemed cool, plus Black Label books are as sure as sure things can get. It was amazing! What a book! Wait, am I reading an Aquaman book??? If Ram V can get me to read an Aquaman book then maybe he can get me to read Frumpy Bats.

 

Right from the get go you can feel like it’s a good story, a little too gothic and dramatic but I’m okay with it. The paper stock feels like real paper not the genetically modified goo that Marvel prints on. The art is not eye popping but it serves the overall tone of the story. Looks like they’re still on this ‘Batman lost his batcave and has to work elsewhere’ nonsense so Batman is working out of a Brownstone. I mean, who wouldn’t love to walk downstairs and tell Batman to ‘keep it the fuck down, it’s late!’. ‘Hey Bats did they deliver my little baby’s elk sticks to you? It says delivered. The little needs her doggie treats Bats! Bats, open up!’

 

Despite that the villains are new to me and the set-up, although a bit too close to the vest works. Plus, the back-up story by Si Spurrier is really top notch. A solo Jim Gordon story where he travels to an abandoned Arkham to search for a lost kid of lifelong prostitute of Gotham. I’m intrigued! I’m interested! Frumps, what are you doing tomorrow night? Look Frumps could cry in her appetizer by next issue but maybe, just maybe, I can deliver enough goofy jokes to hear what she actually sounds like when she laughs. Ram Veeee for Bats Victoryyyyyyy.

 

Rating: 8.7

Verdict: Pull

NEW THINK 2.0 - Review

 

I’m a big fan of the little guy. I root for the Underdog (except in baseball, Go Yanks!). I love a good independent small time anything busting through that big boy ceiling. So one would think I would just be inhaling all of the offerings from the smaller comic book imprints: AWA, Scout, Vault, Valiant etc. Yeah, not so much.

 

Don’t get me wrong I look at ALL of their solicitations and pull stuff here and there. You have to make an effort to even find the solicits as they’re usually buried on the bottom of previews world or league of comic geeks. Maybe that’s because more often than not they’re, well, they’re mnyeh: the art, the writing, just the overall feel. There’s definitely a major and minor leagues when it comes to the world of Comic Books. Some of the smaller imprints rely on scantily clad big boobied & bootied women on their cover to get sales. Can’t say how many times I’ve looked at a Vampirella cover with the tittie-ular character twisted in a pose revealing all of her comic booky parts and said “hmm, how bad can this be?” Then I’ll flip through it at comic book shop and go ‘Ummm, huh?’. How about those Black Witch of the Tarot or Cave Chick books? It’s like Cinemax back in the day, you weren’t watching their films at 1am for the themes and narratives. Maybe if I’m 13 I’m walking to the counter with my hands shaking hoping the cashier will let me buy a naked cavewoman chick comic, but I’m not 13. Thank God. Having a Bar Mitzvah these days would be a nightmare: allergies, everybody offended about every little thing, girls wearing hot pants and twerking during the Hava Nagila while all the boys spontaneously combust.

 

Buying comics from small publishers can feel like going out on a date with someone you’re not really attracted to. But you do it sometimes and justify it by saying ‘hey I gotta get out there and be dating, you never know she might be awesome, I’m keeping the energy flowing’. Then you drop her off feeling greasy with a face that looks like you’re standing over a trash heap and you vow to never do it again; but you do.

 

Without question the small guys have put out quality books over the years but you have to rifle through them to find the golden nuggets. I liked the premise of this ‘New Think’ series and gave it a shot. The first issue was nothing really special although it succeeded in making me look at my phone again and go ‘Stop owning me you filthy rectangle! I don’t need you! I am claiming my power and my time ba – wait, I forgot to post that meme about Liz Cheney, ohh it’s so good’.

 

The second issue was also a simple exercise that utilized the imaginary world of The Land of Stories to weave a tale about the power of telling your story no matter what, even if the evil king sends his witches, soldiers and minions to silence your words. While that may be all well and good in a medieval world where the butter churner isn’t posting reels of his hot daughter churning the butter in a halter top to generate butter sales, I’m not sure the moral of the story and overall sentiment will really have any impact whatsoever in today’s world.

 

“They understood that forgiveness and empathy were more important than judgment or gossip”

 

Yeah, I don’t think if I get a collective stink eye from an offended audience at one of my comedy shows and the boot from the booker that me referring them to this indie comic is going to do the trick:

 

‘Sir, we all have our stories to tell and tell them we shall’

 

'Yeah, whatever Issac, I’m not validating your parking, get out.'

 

It’s a quick read, and yeah, it’ll make you think for a bit. Whether it’ll make you think ‘New Think’ I’m not so sure. They teased the upcoming issue with a cover that shows a holographic projection of Marilyn Monroe over a phone in her iconic ‘Dress over the steam grate’ pose. I could take it or leave it but hey, let’s do a solid for the little guys and let them know we’re rooting for them.

 

RATING: 7.0

VERDICT: Pull because you care

MONSTRESS #41 - Review

 

I’ve been down for the Monstress since issue uno which is saying something since we’re up to 41 now. That’s quite a feat in today’s comic book landscape, most books don’t make it past 6 these days. It’s a herculean feat if you get it to the 20s and goodness gracious what’s a hundredth issue actually look like? I feel like the comic book industry has mimicked the world of baseball. You’re not gonna see Starting Pitchers pitch 300 innings anymore, pitchers barely make it into the 6^th inning; that’s comic books 2022. Every issue is a BIG PREMIERE ISSUE!!! With 4 dozen variant covers. There’s even a cover that has nothing on it! You can make the cover yourself! Get your crayons out! There are also virgin covers with just the art with no titles or dollar amount that’ll cost you your rent check, I’ll pass. I’d rather opt for the ‘Only a couple of boyfriends, no butt stuff yet’ cover.

 

I say all this because getting to forty plus issues is no small accomplishment and that’s what Monstress has been able to do. Yet along the way I would say there’s been issues where I’ve said ‘okay wrap this puppy up already’ There’s definitely been a lull in the late 20s and 30s for this series. All the vim and vigor of the teens and early twenties has worn off and its kinda devolved into a meandering muffin top war series with anthropomorphic dolphins, tigers, wolves and flying cats with six tails. It’s even harder to keep up when you have lulls in the publishing. Hell, even with a month gone by you have to read the previous issue to remember what the hell is going on: 

 

So the dusk dawn human army is now aligning with the half human wacky evening army but the magic afternoon elven God army of the late night sunrise consortium is now mind controlling all of the remaining cats to become assassins of the crack of dawn early morning court of the chicharrones...I think? Every issue has posturing, sneers, leers and long diatribes of half human/animals backstabbing and plotting against each other. Luckily we get some sex here and there.

 

I feel like at this point the final panels of an issue are either:

 

“Ah Ha! Look who’s back! You thought I was dead!”

 

or either

 

“I’m pissed and you’re about to get your ass handed to you”

 

This issue ended with the latter and apparently I have to wait another 5-6 months for the next issue because the creators are having another hiatus. This comic is like a chick on a dating app who never gives you their actual number and who sees you every three or four months. You get some tongue, promises of a weekend alone, some dry humping and then she’s gone. But she’s gorgeous so you put up with it. That’s this comic.

 

Through it all the best character of this series has always been the lead: Maika the Halfwolf and her relationship to the Ancient God within her. That and the feisty little anime girly fox has kept this series afloat. I honestly don’t know who the hell is any more I just want Maika to kick all of their asses. A recent issue saw a large snake swallow a naked unconscious Maika whole to learn more about her powers only to spit her out when it was done. Apparently the new 87,000 IRS Agents are being trained for this procedure.

 

Look, I love the series despite it’s maddening descent into utter confusion. I highly recommend picking up the first couple of trades if you haven’t read it yet. Maybe that’s the way to go, reading the trades instead of being dropped every six months by the creators like a pricy yoga class subscription. The art is transcendent and unlike anything out there; a veritable feast for the eyes. When it finally comes to its conclusion (which may not be until 2030 and issue 60) I’m going to miss pulling this series. But seriously? Wrap this puppy up already.

 

RATING: 7.7

VERDICT: Pull, whenever the hell that may be.