From the moment I opened this book and saw it was going to be a fast food caper I immediately flashed back to ‘Better off Dead’ starring John Cusack and his portrayal of the suicidal ‘friend-zoned’ Lane Meyers. Out of all the wacky, depressing and demeaning moments we’ve seen in pop culture when fast food is front and center none beats the big fatso guy who played Porky in the Porky’s movies ordering around a downtrodden John Cusack in a place called ‘Pig burgers’.
Then there was that iconic hallucination where a burger that Lane was forming turned into a Claymation Van Halen Burger replete with the Eddie Guitar and David Lee Roth howls.
Have the Pop People made their ‘Better off Dead’ line yet? Talk about selling like hotcakes. How many limited editions of the Van Halen Burger and the Paper Boy screaming for his Twooo Dollarrrrs would they sell out of?
So now here we have ‘Trve Kvlt’ described as a Horror-Comedy about a loser Metalhead/lifelong fast food worker named Marty ‘Tarantula’ who absolutely loves working at his job at Burger Lord. He decides to have a full life reset (not to be confused with the Klaus Schwab’s ‘Great Reset’ where you will own nothing, eat bugs and like it) which manifests into the brilliant idea to rip off all the stores in a strip mall during the most perfect time of the day. After his successful heist he comes upon a delivery van and snatches an item from the driver which turns out be a coveted item from a local Satanic Cult.
First of all, I’m trying to figure out why a V was substituted where the U would go in the title of the book. Is this a new pronoun? Time Magazine just acknowledged and addressed someone in a recent article as ‘Eir’ ‘Ey’ so I really can’t be sure these days. If Trve is a new pronoun well I love you and accept you and you deserve to have sex with whomever and whatever you want as long as ey are okay with it. The ‘Kvlt’ trips me up because it sounds a bit too much like Gefilte Fish so right off the bat I’ve got that taste in my mouth, which depending on whether it’s baked or from a jar could be a good thing or a bad thing. I’m down with the Gefilte if it’s baked but that jelly stuff brings back bad Hebrew School memories. Maybe they’re aiming for Gevalt like ‘Oy Gevalt’ which is a Yiddish euphemism for Oh Crap. Maybe I’m reading a True Krap comic?
Well, it’s not crap, it’s a decent read; nothing too earth shattering. Marty is out of touch and dumbed down enough to keep him likable. I would say his boss Bernice is a bit too attractive to be a long term Fast Food Burger Joint Boss. I mean look at her. She’s more ‘Agent of Wakanda’ than she is Burger Lord Babe. Have you ever seen anyone as good looking as Bernice work for 15 years at a chintzy burger joint before? Then there’s Alison a new burger recruit who’s infatuated with working for The Lord. She shows up for her interview and ends up covering for Marty when the cops show up. She too, a bit too attractive. She’s got that nerdy glasses Janeane Garafalo vibe going. I’ve only once ever had my jaw drop at an employee when I walked into a burger joint. That was at a Burger Lounge here in LA; still one of the best grass fed burgers in town for the price. This Latina worked at the Burger Lounge on the Sunset Strip and my goodness she was eye popping beautiful.
How do you even ask out a girl like that? The only thing I could think of as to why she was even working there is that her loser unemployed boyfriend was amazing in bed and and during a four hour bang session while on top he got her to wail 'Yes Daddy! I'll work that Burger Joint Daddy'. Well, that location has since closed and has been replaced by a Starbucks and to this day I wonder if I hallucinated her like a Claymation burger.
Anyway, the Satanists show up at the very end. Now, are they like, low level wack job reading it from a book Satanists? Or are they bonafide Lady Gaga half of the people in Hollywood occultists who actually know what they’re doing. No clue. But I’m down to find out, at least for now. Trve Kvlt is a satanic burger story that’s not necessarily horrifying and not necessarily a gut busting funny tale. Yet it’s executed in a way that gets their hooks in you enough that you’ll be back for the fries in issue 2. If Van Burgerlen makes an appearance, even better.
Rating: 8.0
Verdict: Pull
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