THE AMBASSADORS #1 - Review

 

 

I'm not a big fan of the Mark Millar vibe. His whole oeuvre, it’s got this snarky sniveling pompousness to it. I feel like Millar is the 2000s version of Dane Cook of the Comic Book World. I did some shows with Cook back in the day. He’s very good, solid, no holes in his material or delivery, great energy, likeable. Yet his bombastic career vaulted into the stratosphere due to his ego, his viciousness in strong arming other comics who would dare confront him over the source of his material and his genius of utilizing the dawn of social media (mainly MySpace) to his advantage.

 

Cook was the MySpace king when it was actually a space. He capitalized on his ‘Yo Bro’ regular guy from Bawston act to be a vortex for the entire party people ‘Woo Hoo’ crowd. They flocked to his shows. He was a guaranteed winner onstage and he was just like you. Problem was that ‘Woo Hoo’ crowd wasn’t a sophisticated comedic savant crowd. They couldn’t tell you who George Carlin or Bill Hicks was. They wanted to take their dates out, drink a lot and go woo hoo to Cook’s middle of the road humor. Cook became the darling of the LA Comedy scene due to his shows at Dublin’s. 

Dublin's was a huge Irish Pub/Club with two floors that used to exist right at the edge of the Sunset Strip back in its heyday when cruising the strip was still a thing. It was a perfect storm. The Woo Hoo Social Media Guy Comic at the tip of LA’s Social apex. He killed you with laughter and then you could dance, drink and kill yourself with booze and lines off the floor of the Viper Room.

 

Cook’s biggest show on planet earth was broadcast in the round from Madison Square Garden if I’m not mistaken. It was his moment to cement himself as one of the greats. The ‘Woo Hoo’ crowd was there but you could feel how off the energy was. The Woo Hoo crowd didn’t want to sit down in an arena and be far away where their dates could barely see one of their own. They were restless. They didn’t have the attention span for an hour. They wanted twenty minutes so they could go back to the bar, order drinks, text their friends, maybe get a quick bang in the bathroom with their dates. This was asking too much from them.

 

Cook’s film career also tanked. You can’t go Woo Hoo in a cinema unless it’s in the Bronx of course. The final downfall came when another regular shmo Louis C.K. called him out as a thief. Louis wasn’t just a regular shmo like us he was also a comic’s comic. He was one of us; a guy who put the years in as a nobody because he loved what he did.  So the vitriol and desire for retribution over Cook poured through C.K.’s shtick. His ascent to knock Cook off the top of the mountain was rooted for by everyone who saw Cook as a fraud. Of course, C.K. became exiled from the kingdom of comedy when it was revealed that he liked stroking off in front of female comics in the heart of the Me Too error, oh Louis.

 

Anyway, so this Millar doofus. This yutz who puts his name at the top of every comic in BOLD 150pt FONT. His books are events! They’re part of his World! Millar World! They’re can’t miss arcs of never seen before work in the comic book medium. He enlists the greatest artists and tells the most riveting stories! Millar World! Where comic geeks go to experience all the best that comic books have to offer under a sky where MILLAR hovers in 17,000 pt font as a hologram. Yeah. Whatever.

 

I never found anything he did to be so gobstopping wow. It was like Cook: good, solid, standard fare, no flaws, solid delivery – but so fucking what? You’re not Stan Lee or Jeff Lemire or Jonathan Hickman even. Millar’s stuff gets made into TV Shows! He’s always got something in development that will break new ground in the world of entertainment. The fusion of his mnyeh comic books with streaming content will take the world by storm!

 

I bet this dude goes to Dominatrixes a lot. Like, he’s one of these tightly wound neurotics who hob knob in such high stakes meetings and business shenanigans that he needs some Amazon with sawed off heels to put a ball gag in his mouth, hang him upside down and put his fingers in a nutcracker. I bet he likes to crawl around naked on Star Wars comic books from the 70s panting like a dog while his Dom whips him and seethes ‘You’re not Lucas, you’re not big time, you’re an aborted Ewok’ while he whimpers ‘Yes Mistress Lay-uh’.

 

So this ‘Ambassadors’ book comes out. Mind you, I’m toiling in a world where my pull list is dwindling by the week due to the incessant blecch that seems to be pouring out from the Comic Book Universe these days. I’m flailing about, looking for something to grab me, to take me away on a journey. Millar isn’t stupid. Never said that. No, he’s cunning and a brilliant salesman. He knows how to grab people. So what does he do? He drops another ‘This story is holy guacamole good!’ but he gets Frank Quitely to draw it. Fuck. Quitely. Quitely can draw a pile of poo on a bar napkin and it would be frameable. Quitely. Dammit. Art Genius. Okay. Fine. I’ll get it, I mean how bad could it be? And look, Millar reduces the font of his name at the top of the book and makes it equal to Quitely! Okay, maybe he’s chilling out a bit.

 

The premise, from what I can gather, is some wrongly accused middle aged Korean chick who is rotting in a jail cell somehow creates the ultimate super hero of some sort and has downloaded herself in its consciousness in another body that’s out in the world somehow. Her douchebag husband who I assume either stole the tech or just flat out betrayed her had her put in jail either for being smarter than him, not making good homemade kimchi, or both. Meanwhile we get a subplot B story of your basic half assed ‘Antarctica is a base for the intelligent agencies/shadow govt’ where the future of the planet is created/experimented on and super intelligent beings/monkeys who escape and have to be tracked down by Men In Black who don’t dance like Will Smith nor have wives you need to keep out yo fuckin’ mouf.

 

Korean chick is now a babe and is levitating in front of a bunch of elites in Korea. She offers her superpower tech to anybody, any regular person who is worthy of it from the entire planet. Who will it be??? The crusty dude who yells ‘Tamales’ at 8am up the street from me? Megyn the Horsy or whatever she is? A white blonde Christian woman who loves Jes – hahahahaha I’m sorry I couldn’t even finish typing that; you're kicked off the casting list sweetie for about 10 years. Well you know what? This question has already been answered! It’s in the solicits! All 6 issues of this run and the choices that get made are revealed one by one in clear regular Helvetica font.

 

Spoiler: It’s an Indian dude, a Mom and her son in Paris, a Catholic Priest in Brazil, an Anti-Progressive (what does that even mean) older dude from Australia and a Mexican dude. Yawn. Their outfits look like they were designed by the costume design castoffs of Alpha Flight and the Wonder Twins from back in the day. But it’s Millar World! Sorry. MILLAR WORLD! A world where we cultivate great stories and turn them into streaming content – oh shut up. You know why it’s in the Solicits for all the world to see? Why is Marky Mark just giving away the entire secret of the series five months ahead of time? Because the comic is just a vehicle for the TV Show or a vehicle to ultimately just sell a trade. It doesn’t exist as its own entity. And if it's Marky Mark it's going to be created for a pitch deck or it’s not Millar World.

 

You see, these comics aren’t comic books for you to enjoy. They’re marketing tools. They’re an extended storyboard for TV Executives to take a look at. The sales will gauge and fuel the pitch meeting. Look at all this diversity! Look at all the markets we hit with this cast! Yes, the Anti-Progressive undergoes a sex change by the second season, don’t worry! Look, you’ve got an Editorial Production Manager listed right on the first page of the masthead of credits. That’s not a comic book job. There were no Editorial Production Manager jobs in the classifieds when Kirby was looking for a gig back in the 60s. Aww, and look Mark’s wife is the CEO. Notice her font is 1/10^th the size of Mark’s. Is this him being passive aggressive with his wife? I bet you he's the master of passive aggressiveness, just look at his fonts! Is this a new disease? Fontism? Helvetica on Steroids Syndrome?

 

Of course I can't really get mad at Mark, this is an industry wide issue. Lots of comics have their entire story broken down in solicits and already have the date for the Trade Paperback set before you even get issue one. Does the comic book universe not want us to buy monthlies? Ugh, anyway...

 

The Most Ambitious Comic Book of All Time! Oy vey. How is this the most ambitious comic of all time Mark? Seriously. A six issue arc with a basic trope about finding power in every day people? Is it the 6 different artists? Dude, artists are hopping around projects these days like herpes at the Playboy Mansion in the 80s. Is it your ambition Mark? To make this into a 7 season Emmy award winning streamer? You wanna know what would be the most ambitious comic book of all time? Saying, I'm gonna write a compelling story that lasts 500 issues! That, would take the cake. Hell, in this day and age saying you'd wanna write 20 issues is considered nutso.

 

Finally, of course Mark can’t resist exploding his name to assault your eyeballs with. He’s back to his old antics with his font fetish on the back cover page of the comic. My goodness the name of the comic he's promoting on the back cover is called BIG GAME.

 

Here's a sneak peak at some titles coming down the pike from Millar Lite World:

Gigantic Things. Big Stufferoo. E-Nor-Mous. Wowiekablowie! Boom Boom Buy Buy.

 

Look, Quitely’s art is a sight to behold. I could read this back and forth several times over if I didn’t have to actually ingest any of the text. Again, it's not that this is bad per se but it's not worthy of any of the superlatives, not one bit. Maybe it’s telling that an artist is changed up for every issue of the series, perhaps they can only take Mr. Fonty for one issue before he’s begging to pick them up and drive them to a Malibu Clambake where Matthew McConaughey is hosting his nude Bongo workshop.

 

Good on ya Mark. You’ve made a life and a career for yourself. I can’t hate on you for that. But I would look to the rise and fall of Dane Cook as a cautionary tale for someone who surfed to glory with bombast and marketing know how. Eventually it catches up to you. Eventually your work will be sitting in the round at Madison Square Garden and the world will see you not necessarily as the Titan that you claim to be but rather a simple old Times New Roman 10pt font that doesn’t even know how to italicize itself.

 

Rating: 7.0

Verdict: Drop

March '23 Reading Round Up

 

 

It's a beautiful pristine sunny day in La La Land and I'm off to grab my Comic Pulls from my LCS with the little princess. Before I do, here's a quick rundown of my March Sequential Art fix including a bunch of issues that didn't get the full blog posteroo treatment. 

 

Spy Superb #2 was okay. It just feels corny. Like, I get that Kindt is going for this ‘Narcissistic Loser outwits International Super Spies’ thing but it’s a one note gimmick, not a story. It definitely does not have the gravitas, stakes and whirlwind excitement that his original Mind MGMT series had which was absolutely fantastic. Since this is one of the new fads, a 3 issue expensive prestige/extra page count series, I’m almost obligated to get issue 3 to complete the story which is genius from a marketing standpoint but depressing from a consumer standpoint. Hook ‘em issue one, drop trash issue 2, tie things up in a bow issue 3 to make them feel like it wasn’t a waste of money, 25 buckaroos in our pockets: genius. C’mon Kindt. Your past two mini seriouslies have been wack, come wit tha bidness next outing, you’re on my stink eye list.

 

The second installment of Black Cloak was decent enough. Kelly Thompson is crafting a solid enough murder mystery which is heightened by the fact that she’s put it in a completely bonkers wackadoodle fantasy world that nobody’s ever conceived of before. Yeah, I’ll tag along to see who killed a royal Elf and a Mermaid and what happens with your Interracial Lesbian Cop Love story. Ya think that’s what got Image hooked in the pitch or what?

 

 

Kelly: It’s a world of Elves and Mermaids and a diverse anthropomorphic police station.

 

Image: Mmm hmm.

 

Kelly: There’s magic and…and wings that sprout from the back from our main Detective. There’s a wonderfully intricate architectural world of stairs and beaches and –

 

Image: Yeah, uh huh.

 

Kelly: -

 

Kelly: There’s an interracial Lesbian Cop Love Affair.

 

Image: Sold!

 

 

Avengers War Across Time is like a classic car that you take out on the weekends. It’s simple.  It runs great with no frills, and gets you where you need to go in style. It’s made of real materials that won’t fall apart if it’s hit unlike today’s vehicles which are made of fiberglass, plastic and cheap computer parts. Marvel, I think you need to go backward more before you go forward. Your comics today are cheap pieces of junk that fall apart in our minds. Your original formula is infallible and will stand the test of time. Write from there, enough with whatever it is you’re doing these days; it’s blecchy. Maybe Paul Levitz needs to run your comic book division instead of being tied up in a retro basement.

 

Saga is like that slice of pizza you get at that hole in the wall joint in the middle of nowhere. It's perfectly done, never disappoints and is there for you when you need the comfort. Thanks Saga.

 

Here's what I got into last month:

 

Miracleman: Silver Age #4

 

Monstress #43 

What's the Furthest Place from Here #11

 

Daredevil #8 

Batman: Beyond the White Knight #8

 

All Night & Every Day 

Red Zone #1

 

Phantom Road #1 

That's it! I'm off into the wide blue yonder. I heard the points for hitting mentally deranged vagabonds that wander around crosswalks with your car have been upped to 50 points each. I'm totally going for a record this Sunday, wish me luck!

MIRACLEMAN: THE SILVER AGE #4 - Review

 

 

No other way of putting this, It’s been a really rough start to the world of comic books in 2023. I mean, what the hell is going on out there??? Is it just me? Does it seem like they’ve pulled a switcheroo on us? It’s as if we were going to a farmer’s market to get these delicious mangos every weekend but all of a sudden the mangos taste horrible but the dude at the market with the chapped ruddy skin and a wad of bills in his hand is like ‘Waddya mean, it’s the same mango!’ It is not the same mango and it is not the same comic book universe. Did something happen with all these stories of multiple timelines and multiverses where they accidentally switched places with one of their multiverses where all the comic books are mediocre?

 

If I was to get all corporate and put on a monkey suit and masonic tie/noose around my neck so that I could assess the first quarter of comic book solicits I would come back and notate this one phrase on my quarterly review: There be slim pickins. What has been great so far? Truly great? Don’t say Saga. Saga has become like the show ‘Cheers’ in its heyday. Every episode is an enjoyable experience and a comfort zone for your life; you can count on it delivering the goods. It’s not changing the landscape of TV or shattering the mold it’s just doing what it does best. BKV and Fiona found their formula, it’s brilliant and it can go for a century if they so choose. But it’s not necessarily at that ‘Awe inspiring great wow level’ that is turning your world upside down. The only thing I can think of that has even come close to a Wow this year was ‘A Vicious Circle’ which actually came out at the very end of last year but has yet to deliver issue 2 of 3. That’s it. I say all this because one of the potential ‘Wow Books’ of the year was this one. Gaiman and Buckingham were supposed to deliver a story for the ages as they took up the mantle of Double M. Their first installment was nothing short of a WTF and the one after was a gigantic ginormous ‘Mnyeh, that was aight’.

 

So as I sat down in my perfect comic reading environment with a perfectly made cup of pour over organic coffee, a gluten free twinkie and my doggie nestled by my side I looked at the current issue of MiracleMan and said ‘Oh for goodness sake, would you fucking be amazing already!’ First things first: This Variant Cover rocks.

 

Don’t get me started on the absurdity of the variant cover market and how ridiculous the prices are. Real quick, if you make poop, and then say hey, I’m going to put this poop out there but you’ll only be able to find this poop in 1 of 125 or 1 of 250 comic books, well guess what? When you get lucky enough to find it or pay through the nose for it I have some bad news for you: it’s still poop. Just because it’s scarce doesn’t mean it’s valuable. It’s called artificial scarcity my friends and they are raking your wallets across the coals over it. That said: I absolutely looooove all these faux action figure comic book covers. Love Love Love. Here’s a thought: Why can’t these be real?

 

You want to milk us for our complete paycheck for a variant then why can’t these action figures be real? Why isn’t this MiracleMan action figure able to be purchased with this comic??? Look how cool it is, I want it! How hard can that be? My goodness every previewsworld I look at has dozens of new action figures why can’t the marketing departments get themselves together over some wings at Buffalo Wild Wings one Friday afternoon and figure out how to release actual action figures with these action figure variants? How amazing would that be?!? Dude. I would pay like, I dunno, $25 for a DoubleM Action Figure and this comic, does that sound about right? Maybe $30, possibly $40 but no more. There, you’ve sapped me of a chunk of change over something that probably costs $5 to make. Do it! Make our geeky dreams come true. Look, there’s awful soul sucking evil marketing schemes and then there are ones where there is joy, giddiness and a free flowing exchange of currency for widget. Make It so people. Dammit I want the DoubleM in this cover! Anyway.

 

As for this issue Gaiman was smart enough to revisit the alien world of the Qys and the Warpsmiths which immediately reminded us of the epic grandeur of what this book has been. Is it me or does the Qys chick look like Portman’s Padme Amidala from Star Wars? Check it out:

 

 

 

Pretty sure Double M and the Qys came out before this installment of Star Wars so either Gaiman gets a real Wookie in his house as a payoff or maybe Gaiman has been guaranteed to pen a new Star Wars Tale where Han Solo becomes Hannah Solo, C3PO gets tits and the exhaust fumes of every spaceship will spit out a rainbow. At any rate, I really love the Alien aspect of this book. Maybe the Qys chick saying that 'Things are weird' was Gaiman's way of acknowledging how wonky the series start was, one can only hope. Feels like he was doubling back in this issue especially with Hagrid/MisterMaster questioning Dicky D and his Dicky D name which is what I'm sure all of us would do if we ever met the kid...

 

Me: Seriously Dicky?  Dude, you think that's your real name? 

 

Dicky: But it's all I know, it's who I am

 

Me: Hulk Hogan's name is Terry. Dirk Diggler's names is Eddie Adams, got it? You either have a wrestler's name or a porn name but it's not real homie.

Dicky: [Blank Stare]

Me: I think that MiracleWoman chick who looks like Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct is your problem bro, she's fuckin' wit Double M. You needs to confront her ass.

Dicky: [Blank Stare]

Me: Dude, she told Double M to kiss you, it wasn't his idea. She's after the MM Throne. This is like some Shakespeare shit but with tights and a guy who ruined a show called 'The Sandman'.

Dicky: [Blank Stare]

 

Me: So imagine if you watched a TV show of your life but you looked like Beyonce and MiracleMan was being played by Greta Thunberg, you'd be pretty annoyed right?

Dicky: I don't understand.

Me: Can you make me the action figure on this comic? Let's start there.

 

Gaiman and Buckingham then go all Retro Comic Book vibe for the second half of this book and introduce Johnny Bates as...Young Nastyman! What??? I wanna be Young Nastyman! I think I was actually, black and yellow tights notwithstanding. There's gotta be a spinoff after this is done, the Exploits of Young Nastyman! A streaming show! An immersive experience! A burger pop-up, young nasty burgers! Some fancy shmancy Japanese Anime figurine company needs to release thei $500 Young Nastyman 1:4 action figure! This world needs Young Nastyman! 

The final panel of Double M looking at a looking glass at the retro comic art and then gazing out into the stars is just perfect. I got a little verklempt just reading it. Aww, it's good, it's really good, sniffle. Phew. Okay, Neil, you done did it. You got this book back in the saddle and I'm all in for the rest of the ride. This is what brilliant writers do and there's never been any question as to Neil's pedigree.  Of course it could all go hooey kablooey by next issue so I'm gonna hold off for as long as I can before reading the next installment.

In the meantime, who do I talk to about getting that Action Figure made? 

Rating: 8.9

Verdict: Pull. Yay.

MONSTRESS #43 - Review

 

Are we at the point with Monstress where it’s become nothing but Art Gallery material? I can imagine seeing the art in this book at one of those Culver City Art Gallery Openings where it’s painted on large pieces of wood and plastered over the walls in no particular order. Everybody sipping on their two buck chuck wine and nibbling on week old carrots and broccoli florets would ooh and ah and pose near them but in no way would they think there was an actual story behind them - unless of course you were tripping balls. I would love to go to a 'Monstress Gallery Opening'. Wow. I mean. I'd probably set a record for 'How many Artsy Fartsy Asian Girls can reject you in an Hour' and I'd be proud of it.

 

Sana Takeda’s art has consistently been gorgeous, surreal and unique but the story is officially off the rails. Honestly, the story probably went off the rails twenty or so issues ago when the ‘War’ began but now it’s crumpled into a heap releasing toxic fumes into my head. I bet you Norfolk Southern Rail/Black Rock was reading this comic before deciding how to go about derailing all of its trains around the country. Look, Monstress has always been Batshit Crazy, in a good way, but now it’s a combo of a Fiery Latina on a Drinking & Hallucinogenic Binge while she's TikkyTokkaWocckaing and watching Mainstream News 24/7 kinda Batshit Crazy.

 

I think it’s time to figure out what’s going on with Marjorie Liu. Is everything all right in her world? Is she going through a break-up of some kind? Does she have it out for someone at Image? Is she and Sana developing a little rivalry? Like were they at a Con and more people were gushing over Sana than her? So did Marjorie think ‘Fine bitch, draw these Batshit crazy words, since you’re oooh, sooo talented and gifted’. First of all, let’s consider the fact that Marge is a certified wow comic babe:

 

I mean, cmon, this is like if Fiona Staples went Victoria’s Secret on us. This is the kind of girl who would want nothing to do with me or any of you comic book geeks out there. No frikkin’ way. This girl doesn’t date down she dates up. She’s probably had boyfriends named Bjorn, Mattheus or Kingsley. I’m not going to assume she’s always been straight either so if she’s dated chicks they’re the kind of chicks who are super intelligent yet spell their names wrong like Lysa, Karlee or Jynnipher. Well, turns out Marj has been with the incomparable bad-ass novelist Junot Diaz for over a decade. Junot fits into the whole ‘odd yet elevated’ name theory of who a girl like this would be dating, so ha I was right. So, are Junot and Marj quibbling? Everything okay in the land of amazing writers?

 

Look, clearly Margie is smart enough to understand how to plot a comic book series. Listen to her here clearly speaking about that very fact in this interview of her:

 

So it’s not like she doesn’t know what she’s doing but this story has veered off into the eye bleeding land of Jodorosky. You know, the 70s filmmaker who took a kettle full of drugs and acid, wandered onto a set or two and called himself a director. Yeesh, God forbid you tell a cinephile that his film ‘Holy Mountain’ is better at putting people to sleep than Valerian Root and Ambien, you’ll find yourself in a van with ex-CIA Agents and ten sheets full of acid with the Grateful Dead Bear waving at you.

 

What’s the big deal Issac? I thought you like wacky out there stuff. I do. But, I like to be able to follow it. Let’s just recap the past couple of issues shall we? Well, we had a year plus (or more I lost track) of this interminable insufferable war narrative that sucked the air out of this title like an AA Meeting being held in the middle of Mardi Gras. Then our lead gets captured and poked, prodded and sucked on by lizards or whatever while all these wackadoodle scenes in dreamland/fantasyland/candyland take place while she’s unconscious. The feisty anime fox and the flying backstabbing emo cat decide to astral travel (are you even following this) to wake up our lead in astral travel land. The ancient God in our lead becomes a floating orb in deep space where the fox, the cat, the floating conscious head of our lead and her inner child represented by a visual of her as a child stand on the orb of the God while it blinks its ancient God eye.

 

Oh, there’s more, a floating cat monolith (my goodness Marj & Juno must have an aerial circus of cats at their place) appears in deep space and opens up its floating cat belly to reveal a void where they all jump into. It turns out it’s a prison world of Ancient Gods, it feels more like a wacky Star Trek planet. Meanwhile, I’m not sure who’s consciousness is actually here. Our lead’s floating head which is now tethered to our ancient God gets chomped on by a canine looking God. The big cliffhanger is a God Convict who was apparently put in God Prison by the Monstress Ancient God (Was he a lawyer? is this Law & Order WTF?)  Now God Convict is all pissed and staring down Monstress God like he’s Grossberger staring down Gene Wilder in Stir Crazy. Did you follow all that??? Meanwhile, I have NO fucking idea where we are in relation to everrrrrything that has happened for 40 issues. Dude.

 

Again, I am all for Batshit Crazyville as long as I can follow a base narrative. It feels like Miss Liu has forgotten to take the basic breakdown of how to plot a comic that she in fact gave from the vid above. I mean, there’s no way I’m dropping this title. I’ve put about 170 smackers down so far to keep up with this fever dream. Is this the sacrifice you have to make if you want a comic book series to last more than 12 issues? You have to have your eyes peeled back like Malcolm McDowell in A Clockwork Orange so you can slowly watch the story you’ve come to love slowly go up in flames?

 

Funnily enough Sana Takeda drew the exact reaction I had after finishing this book in this issue:

 

Well, I did a little digging on Ms. Liu and I found this interview she did with EW a little while ago. EW, hahaha, remember when we all subscribed to them as an actual magazine and let their issues pile up near our couch until we used them as a side table for our coffee? She had this to say:

 

How do I put this? Life is nothing but one long exorcism, basically. And by that, I mean, we come into this world as ourselves, and then everything gets heaped on us. There's intergenerational trauma, there's personal trauma, there's anxiety, there's fear, there's all of that. I don't mean literal demonic exorcisms, but I just mean that as we go through life, we're always trying to expel these things. We're always trying to heal, if we can. If we're even aware of it…

 

…Part of the healing, what's helped me anyway, is having compassion for oneself and having compassion for those ghosts, having compassion for those wounds and saying, "All right, you know what? This is what I've got to deal with, and there's no reason to hate myself for it. There's no reason to be angry at myself. This is just what it is." And so, when I'm working on Monstress, I'm thinking about ghosts and thinking about monsters, but I'm also thinking about... Well, what is the path to healing? How does one reintegrate? How does one heal? How does one become your full self? 

 

Sigh. Dammit. Well said SkipToMyLiu, well said. Now I feel bad. Awww, my little bonkers Monstress comic, I never want you to end! Okay fine, so I jumped through a Space Cat Belly and we’re now in Prison God World with the head of our cute Riot Grrrrl’s Head floating around while Foxy and the Flying Pussy are still in Astral Travel world. Sure. Gotcha. No problem. I’ll be here next month. Hmm, I don’t do acid but the fizzy blue Kombucha that I like gets me tripping balls if I drink it too fast. I guess I'll have that on hand for issue 44 so I can get in the mood.

Rating: 6.3

Verdict: Pull and watch El Topo

WHAT'S THE FURTHEST PLACE FROM HERE #11 - Review

Oh fer goodness sake. Really? Like, are you kidding me. Seriously? Like, what the fuck guys? RoseyBoss, c’mon what the hell is going on with you dudes and this comic? Are you intentionally trying to torpedo this book? It started off so very very well, for a protracted amount of time, like a good six plus issues and then…what? You didn’t expect to have to write more so you ran off to Tulum with a sack of drugs while other Comic Book people did backstories for you for 3-4 months? Did you even come back from your ‘shroom escapade? Did AI write this issue for you? That’s a totally legit question. People, I think we need to start realizing and accepting the fact that AI is slowly encroaching into the world of creativity. It is going to get harder and harder to differentiate AI visual art, literature, music or any story for that matter versus Organic Earthling stuff. So, are we at ‘What’s the Furthest Place from Human Thought’ with issue eleven?

 

If Roseypants and T-Boss actually did write this book, I mean, do we need to go back to Creative Writing and Narrative 101 with you guys? Like, has everyone gotten so lost in the ideas and overarching themes and ‘wouldn’t this be cool if we did this’ type of approach that they forgot how to craft a fucking story? There was a story here, a good one, I have no idea where the fuck it went.

 

So, let’s recap.  You wrote a riveting interesting story for 6 issues, you had vinyl variants, you had a cast of hipster losers in a vinyl shop living in this peculiar post apocalyptic yadda yadda world. Then you stopped. You had other people write and draw back stories for several issues. Which is totally fucking nuts, nobody writes 4 backstories in a row but whatever. One of them was actually fascinating and clued me into the mechanisms of your world. Okay, great. I’m into it again. The last issue was kind of a like a back issue since you showed us the path that a character took who was introduced in issue one and who we haven’t seen since issue one.

 

You finally come back and, what, where the hell are we? What’s going on right now? Why am I in a forest with this punk character whose Mohawk is always perfectly coifed and shaved on the sides? What happened to him again? He’s been sliced open, how again? Guys, you realize that the last time we were in the actual present time story it was around last Thanksgiving? Who do you guys think you are? The Cosby Show in its heyday? The Milton Berle Show? You think it’s 1955 and you’re the only show in town? So we’ll be waiting with baited breath for your return as we pore over your back issues that you clearly think are sitting right next to us, feathered out one by one on our couch? I don’t remember what the fuck is going on here!!! You used to have a character list on the inside of the cover, where did that go? Maybe give us a blurb, a ‘hey a quick little recap’. Give me the option of hitting ‘Skip’ on the previous episode recap at least. This is 2023 guys! Everybody’s got 50 stories they’re following at one time not to mention all the mind numbing neatly manicured pix and vids they take in from people who they think are their friends but who will refuse to ever see them in person.

 

I’m not reading one comic a month I’m reading 20! Well, more like 12 since Marvisney refuses to put out readable content on paper that doesn’t wilt in your hands like a liquefied banana peel.

 

Look, I don’t wanna be this asshole comic book review guy. I’m not sitting here with my vintage Spidey shirt on that barely covers my hairy paunch while I’m sipping on flat Mountain Dew with a bunch of pork rind crumbs on my collar. Dragon Ball Z is not playing in the background of my bachelor apartment in Korea Town. A bunch of 53 terabyte flash drives of porn are not laying strewn around my floor. I’m not that angry at the world guy. I’m the antithesis of that guy! I want you to be great. I want to read amazing comics. I want Marvel to be sold to someone who knows how to steer the ship of a great comic book universe. I’ve dropped 40 plus bux on this book RoseyBossmearound! Four. Oh. I’m invested mmkay? So. Stop. Fucking. Around. Write. The Fucking. Story!!!

 

Nooo, we don’t get story this issue, we get wild crazy half naked people in a forest with animal heads on their heads and a chick who goes ‘Clk Clk Clk’ instead of spitting out actual dialogue. You can’t do these self contained disparate seemingly disconnected issues if you intend to continue to put out a monthly. If it’s a trade, fine, this could work, so then write the damn trade and leave my desire for a drip drip once a month serial sequential art fix alone! Leave it alone!

 

Were you guys lying naked on your backs on a stone floor in a hotel in Havana doing ‘pot shroom brownie enemas’ and as the fudgy hallucinogenic traveled up your bungholes you thought:

 

Dude, remember when we were in camp and we fantasized about Trish the Arts and Craft chick pinning us down in our tents and taking our virginity?

 

Dude, no way, I totally do. We should make that into a comic book.

 

Dude, what if she looked like a Gopher Goddess?

 

Dude, I always pictured her as a Gopher Goddess.

 

And granted, the panels of the Gopher Chipmunk Squirrel Head chick ripping off her boob wrapping to hop naked on the Mohawk dude in the tent is good stuff by me. Who wouldn’t want a chick who goes Clk Clk Clk with perky boobies to bust into your serene boring night of camping out to wildly ravish you. But that’s all you got here, okay? Wild survivalist forest dude meets prehistoric-vibe half naked clan and falls for Barbara Bach in a Squirrel head. I’m going to believe she looks like Barbara Bach from the Ringo Starr ‘Caveman’ movie if that’s alright by you. Knowing you sickos if the gopher head fell off we’d see Elizabeth Warren and her clk clk would turn into ‘Me Cherokee, Apache, Sioux Sioux and the Banshees’ which would kill my morning wood for a month.

I see what you were trying to do with the ending. It wasn't a slam dunk that connected this issue to the main narrative. It was more of a half court shot that hit the top of the backboard. Maybe for the next several issues you should recreate the Napster site and have us download MP3s of the songs these hipster losers love for free. That would be a good gimmick. Make it so that they only download at 14.4kpbs so we can revisit the good ol days when we would sit for hours and stare at those percentage bars slooooowly increase as we waited for that bootleg Led Zeppelin gig from the Playboy Mansion where they conjured a demon into John Denver.

Cuz that's what you guys have now, a gimmick. I'm sticking around. I believe in this wacky book despite it pooping on my eyes for the past 5 months. Put the shroom brownies down, remove the enema tube and let's get back to knocking out a conclusion/climax to whatever the hell this is. In the meantime, if you could point me in the direction for the inspiration to your Gopher Babe I'd appreciate it. Lemme guess, she's on OkCupid. Sunavabitch. I hate that damn dating site. She's probably also on AdultFriendFinder also if you look hard enough. Yeah, not worth it. I did a little China CCP Search for Gopher Babe and found an insta site that had this pic on it:

Is this where you guys got this character from? Do you know the Black Cloak Comic chicks who are doing the Mermaid thing right now? Can we expect a hybrid book from all of you, 'Gophermaids?' I'd read that and buy all the variants in a heartbeat.

Rating: 5.7

Verdict: Grumble...pull, dammit.

DAREDEVIL #8 - Review & Break-Up

You can’t date two Actresses at a time. Doesn’t work. They will find out and ruin your life. It may not be immediate but they will find you and haunt your existence until you feel immeasurable pain, suffering and you develop an incurable case of paranoia. You will start seeing them appear in random places. Did whatshername just pick up somebody in an Uber across the street? Is whatshername peeking around the corner of the hummus refrigerator at Whole Foods at me? I could’ve sworn I just saw whatshername looking at me from underneath a desk at the DMV office. You will come to find out that all of those appearances were real and while you find her slicing your tires in a parking garage the first thing you’ll ask is ‘Who do you know at the DMV and can you waive my late fees?’.

 

So knowing that, what you definitely can’t do is date two Famous Actresses at the same time. Duh. So if you’re dating Aubrey Plaza you sure as hell better not be seeing Chloe Grace Moretitz at the same time, either on the down low or half-assedly. One or both will end your career and it will feel like every time you go out or walk around LA people will look at you like you’re Harvey Weinstein walking around in a speedo while squeezing imaginary asses. This is what Chip Zdarsky has been doing for the past year or so. He’s dating two Titans of the comic industry and it clearly has backfired on him. Batman was a shit show from day one and now Daredevil, good ol’ reliable Daredevil, can’t fail Daredevil, the one constant yee haw that emitted from the Marvisney bunghole of death has turned into its own crime scene of plot, story and character arcs. I can hear most of you disagreeing with me. You’re wrong. You’re being blinded by Marco Checchetto’s staggeringly beautiful art. But just like a 10 who you might be dating, you can’t condone behavior that rips your heart out and makes your pee miss the toilet due to the shakes and anxiety you feel because of her.

 

The fact that Double D is so popular now feels the same way that an Actress who you’re dating all of a sudden becomes popular. Now she’s at all the fancy parties and premieres. She’s not playing darts with you at a dive bar on a Tuesday night. She’s not snuggling up with you on a Saturday afternoon asking you to explain why the Knicks choke during the playoffs. She’s hobknobbing with the HootsieTootsies of La La Land. She doesn’t have time to taste your Matcha Olive Oil Coffee Cake. She’s getting hotter and sexier with all the ooh la la Beverly Hills treatments and Energy Work that’s being done on her by the Ayahuasca Hippies and Shamans in Topanga Canyon…but she’s losing her soul. She can’t even introduce you as who you are anymore. She says ‘This is my boyfriend, he’s a – Creative’ She can’t say that you’re in an Improv Group or that you’re still working your material out in open mics, ewww, gross. You don't recognize her anymore. I don't recognize DD anymore. He looks like a bearded hipster grump from Silverlake who sits on a toilet for hours while scrolling through survival meal kit websites.

 

There’s just no way around it anymore. It’s time to break up Daredevil. We’ve been together for, gosh, how many years now? 15 straight? Maybe more? On and off for 25? Aww, remember those Marvel Knights days, sigh, you were such a brilliant beast. Ooh, remember when Kevvy Smithy (when he hadn’t lost all sense of reality like his recent Dark Horse Poop Fest) was writing the hot pants off of you along with the Mack of all Macks, David Mackaroonski back in the late 90s? Oh Double D, I’m not really a Double D kinda guy, more like a C kinda guy, we’ve been through a lot. It’s ironic that as Satan has turned the Marvel brand into a bonfire of balderdash the one hero who wasn’t tarnished by his brimstone breath was Daredevil. Perhaps that was by design. It began with such a flourish of genius. Chip, the new Comic Scribe Darling, was clicking on all cylinders but something happened along the way. Did DC pilfer half of his brain with their Bats offer to sabotage his work at Beelzebub’s Workshop? Did he just get too big for his britches?

 

I feel like Daredevil was always a secondary character who minded his own business and his own neighborhood and stayed the hell away from all the drama that the high profile tights crowd got themselves into. That all changed with the ridiculously unbelievably amazing Netflix Daredevil TV Show which I would say piggybacked on the jaw dropping wow run that Mark Waid began back in the early 2010s. Now DD is prime time and a supposed tent pole of Marvisney and it’s no bueno. I kinda feel like it all went downhill after the Devil’s Reign mega event of last year. Clearly I had zero interest in reading it since all mega events are just mega cash grabs intended to pump up sagging sales of weaker titles that you’d never read in a million years. But after Chip came back after the story schmooze fest DD started to tank. Look, the ‘Island of the Hand in the Fist of your Evil Anus’ storyline was a great idea but something has been way off from the get with this book since the first issue after the mega event. Maybe Chip rebelled against Satan and resisted the Mega Event? Maybe they took Chip out, cloned him and it’s the Chip Clone who’s been writing DD the past 6 months? I’m trying to figure out how it’s possible to ruin an infallible title other than the fact that the stink that began in Bats has seeped over into Double D and it’s just not possible to write two ENORMOUS HERO stories at the same time.

 

Come to think of it, I’m wondering how Chip became the go-to for the Tights Crowd anyway? Like, when you were taking in his art in Sex Criminals (one of the greatest comics of all time hands down) and there was an oversized cum shot that looked like an Anime Chick on a mushroom cloud did you think ‘Dude, this Anime Cum Shot artist should write the main Batman Title and Daredevil!’ 

 

 

 

Yes, that white thing above is a Jizz creation. Maybe Matt Fraction, wherever the hell he is right now, needs to tell the dominatrix that’s got a heel in his nostril to take five as he texts his ‘Chum’

 

Hey man, we need to get back to Brimping (banging a clump of hair) and Time Shattering Orgasms again.

 

I wanted to stick with Double D but this book, despite Marco’s eye popping art, has just continually descended into an unreadable mess. I let Issue #7 sit there for a long time so I could cool off and dive back into what I hoped would be a serious ramp up to the long awaited ‘Battle Issue’ but issue 7 was putrid on so many levels. Why? Two bit crooks stealing the spotlight? The entire DD crew leaves the biggest battle island of the comic book universe to deal with a bunch of people being evicted from an apartment building??? Stilt man, STILT MAN, saves a litle girl? Some purple carnage looking ghost rider chick being trained by Elektra to channel her anger? And then finally, the Punisher and his evil clan kidnap the two-bit crook’s kid which ends up being the ultimate trigger to finally begin the battle that we’ve been waiting for since last summer. This is the trigger???? They kidnap a kid? It’s not that they’re the most evil death cult on the planet? It’s not that they taken out all the world leaders and replaced them with puppets that turn to sand when you hit them? It’s not that Elektra’s on the run because of her supposedly murdering a President? It’s not because of a Book of Prophecy that Stick carries around with him like he’s about to go on a crusade with Dr Strange in a wormhole to Medieval Europe where he plans to blindly bang the text into thousands of ancient coochies? Nooooo, the last straw was ‘Aww how could you take this cute lil’ blonde kid Frank?’ REALLY?

 

If this really is the most influential Death Clan on the planet and Double D is Satan’s tentpole don’t you think that the Avengers would actually get involved instead of a bunch of criminal misfits? Don’t you think they’d be a little more proactive than sitting around a surveillance monitor saying (for what feels like the third time) we need to take Daredevil out? Fisk wants to be major of New York?? Well that needs to be covered in 75 comic books. An evil legendary death cult has a Dragon and has pulled the levers on all the power brokers on the world’s political stage, that’s a job for Hank Dastardly from Queens and Geno Muttley from Yonkers??? That’s allz I can standz and I can’t standz no more!

 

Issue 8 was just a big waste of Marco’s class on how to draw the shit out of a dragon and a battle between good and evil. I honestly could not follow Chip, or clone Chip’s, text. I reread the issue a couple of times and the entire thing is a huge letdown to me. It just felt so, I dunno, canned? It felt like AI wrote it. Like if you went to ChatDOUBLED and asked it to write the penultimate battle issue in this run this is what it would spit out. Maybe that’s it, maybe they uploaded Chip’s consciousness to an AI mainframe and AI has been writing this series. Ya know, I wouldn’t be surprised if AI was writing all of Marvisney’s titles at this point. If Stegron is making an appearance in your long awaited issues I think it’s time you tweak the programming guys. Honestly, I can’t put my finger on it. I can’t tell you in a succinct clearly defined line of reasoning why Marvel has descended into such a dung heap of drivel; but it has. Everything just feels off. And believe me, I look at all their solicits and new series and go under the hood with all of them; something is wrong with the Kingdom of Comic Books.

 

Can we honestly blame Disney? What is Disney? A corporate international entertainment conglomerate who wants to sell sell sell sell, nothing wrong with that. However it can’t be denied that since the Marvel takeover it’s been a steady decline on my pull list of marvel titles. What used to be a consistent drop of genius from the Marvel brand has dried up. Is it the talent? The editorial staff? The corporate overlords? I can’t say. The last brilliant offerings that I can think of offhand from Marvel was Ta Nehisi Coates ‘Black Panther Run’, Fraction’s ‘Hawkeye Run’, Kaare Andrews ‘Iron Fist Run’, all the ‘Moon Knight’ runs with Bendis, Maleev, Ellis, Wood and Lemire and of course, everrrrything Daredevil since the Knicks were last in the Championship back in 1999. As also stated in my Best Comic Books of 2022 I was into their initial Defenders run and their six issues of King Conan was the best Conan story in years...which of course they cancelled...dumb asses.

Now? Nuthin’ and it’s not okay. Just like in sports we need teams like the Yankees and the Lakers to be good; it’s good for the league. So we need Marvel and DC to not only be good but great. It’s not enough for Image to carry the torch and be a creative power publishing house; throwing spaghetti ideas at the market every month. We need the Big 2 to be the King 2. DC has been holding up its end with last year’s Black Label titles but other than that it be slim pickins.

 

There was a great article written several months ago by Brandon Schatz and Danica LeBlanc about the state of the comic book industry. Definitely worth a read:

 

The Indirect Market is Gonna Suck but it Doesn't Have To

 

A lot of great points and insights. I'll respectfully disagree with the notion that raising all comics to $4.99 a pop is going to send readers away. I obviously can't speak for everyone, but Yo! If a comic is worth it I'll drop the funds. You think I had any problem  dropping 8 bones a pop for CatWoman Lonely City or WonderWoman: Historia? Nope and Nope. I've said this before, I think Marvisney needs their own Black Labelish thang. If they came out with a Bendis Maleev Daredevil Reunion in Prestige format for $10 a pop I'd be all over it! I'm not gonna trip over 5 measly ducats if it means something special.

I think we’re at the point that when comic books just become a cog in the machine that is an entertainment factory we have a problem. They can’t just be a slave class to your over arching multimedia empire, they must exist on their own and interact in a mutually beneficial symbiotic relationship with the empire; that’s not happening now. If what the article above says is true then perhaps the expiration of a bunch of licenses for many Marvel Characters could force Satan to renegotiate or relinquish these properties. It’s probably a long shot at best. The fact that Disney is selling off a bunch of its streaming titles is probably a good thing.

 

If you ask me, we need an Elon Musk moment. Not Elon but someone who truly loves and believes in comic books as an art form and vows to support and sustain the industry in and of itself. I think we’re at the point where we have to hope that Disney and AT&T (or whomever owns DC) somehow sells the rights. We need a billionaire comic book collector, is that even a thing, to come in and make them an offer they can’t refuse. Maybe even do some Mafioso strong arming, maybe even get a Fed or two involved, I dunno. Otherwise we may be looking at the slow burn of a dying direct to Local Comic Shop industry. We may be looking at, God forbid, an all digital or Trade market. Independent publishers will probably continue comics in some physical form but those will be the exception, a novelty, not the norm. We need the Big 2 to demand the sustainability and creative freedom that the world of comic books should be. I feel like suits fear that kids and eventual new consumers of content will only want stuff that is convenient and easily consumable. If it's not on a phone nobody will want it. I reject that notion. There is something about holding a book in your hands that will never be replaced. There is something about turning a page that can't be replicated. You can either celebrate that with the new generation or give into the fear that they wouldn't want that. Books will always be special. Comic Book issues will always be special. Digital will neverrrr replace both.

 

As for Daredevil, buh bye. I’m sure I’ll hop back on when you christen a new team with a new number one in September or whenever. But, and this extremely important my fellow comic geeks and daters out there, know this: “YOU CAN’T DATE POTENTIAL”. Capische? You can’t buy a title because you hope that it will get better based solely on the brand. You can’t date a babe based on your hope that she lives up to her inner Zen delightful Yoga Hottie while she continually steals your debit card so she can take all her besties out for sushi at Katsuya. Ya gotta cut the cord. I’m cutting it.

 

Disney stock is at 94 today. Whaddya think it needs to tank to? 50? 40? When do they sell Marvel off? Because one day they will, they’ll grow weary of destroying these characters and stories, a new shiny toy will come along. Maybe Satan just needs to own the licenses for all these properties and they can leave the creative stuff to other actual Humans who are willing to pony up to have at them.

 

Maybe Matt Fraction is somewhere negotiating with a Billionaire to take over the comic books industry right now. I guess we’re just gonna have to wait for him to tire from being paddled by an Amazon in a full body rubber suit for our comic geek dreams to fully come true. Until then? I'm gonna pray that MiracleMan gets better and that the wonderfully fun retro series 'Avengers War Across Time' written by an industry relic they rolled out of Katz's Deli inspires more retro series. Maybe Chip giving up Double D means new comics with exciting new magical cum shots and a Batman title that will mercifully be handed off to a real Batman writer. 

 

Anime Cum Wonder Babe - A new Maxi Pad 12 issue series by Chip Zdarsky

 

We can only hope.

 

Rating: 5.0 (Marco Rocks)

Verdict: Block

Disney Stock: 94.22