And the winner of the award for Sexiest Cover of the past several years goes to…this cover! Mwwrawarrr. Yet like most sexy covers in La La Land once you peel it open you realize it’s a whole different ballgame:
Mmm, who’s that scintillating brunette in the black dress?
Several hours later you’re on the phone with your bestie:
‘Dude, this Daddy Issue Chick won’t leave my house and she’s drinking all my expensive almond milk!’
What I thought was going to be a sizzling steamy book of smooching and romance turned out to be some type of horror thingamajig. WTF? This is a horror book??? All Night. Every Day??? That’s like putting two Rabbis on a cover and then you open it up and it’s a story about Piglet’s new adventures. It’s like putting the Kardashians on the cover and opening it up to find a discourse on quantum mechanics. It’s like putting a Marvel Character on the cover and then you open it up and find out it’s a story that’s actually engaging. We have a serious disconnect here people!
If you saw this title on an R&B Music Chart wouldn’t you assume it’s about knocking dem boots (let’s bring that saying back mmkay). Oy, Aftershock, I’m shocked! Real quick, is it me or do the liquor bottles on the cover look as big as this dude’s leg. Like, either the perspective is out of whack or the party that they’re at has 3 gallon beer bottles.
Sooo this comic is not about the stamina you’ll need between the sheets with a Red Head? Where’s Neil Gaiman? He thinks all Redheads are slutty nymphos. Maybe he bankrolled this project and insisted on the slutty redhead cover.
Shock: But it’s a horror book Neil.
Neil: But she’s a redhead. She’s randy, she’s ready to go. People need to be reminded.
Shock: It’s supposed to be a dangerous party where –
Neil: All Redheads know where the 4 foot Bottles of Cognac are. You know how dangerous a 4 foot bottle of Cognac is? She’s a randy naughty bird who’s deeply horrifying. Look at her!
Aftershock is calling it their ‘Aftershock One Shock’; since it’s a one-shot. Get it? Shot. Shock. Doy doy doy doy. Give the marketing guy a handy in the men’s room for his stroke of genius. Get it? Handy. Stroke of Genius? Doy Doy Doy. I can work at Aftershock’s marketing department. Looks like these guys have an office in Sherman Oaks. Maybe their new horror line is being inspired by the psycho homeless apocalypse that is now spilling over into Sherman Oaks from Studio City. Before you know it it’s going to be a human fecal museum on Ventura Blvd. Sherman Oaks was like the last stop in the valley on the way to ‘Dude it’s way too fucking hot to live here’ now it’s on it’s way to being Downtown LA North.
So the premise of this book is that the Randy Redhead had her boyfriend/fiancé skip out on her wedding; like he didn’t show up and disappeared. She hasn’t seen him since. R.R and her pretentious unlikable fuckwit friends decide to go to a party. The party turns out to be some Twilight Zone alternate dimension thing where people have been partying here for decades and haven’t been able to leave. You mean like, Hotel California? This is your horror book? Dude. Almost all the parties in LA feel like people have been partying at it for decades, especially the ones in the fancy houses. I literally get lost in Mansion parties or at houses in the Hills for hours. Every room is just another room of attractive uninterested plastic people that make you feel like you need to go to the gym or to a sweat lodge to purge the toxins that you inhaled from their exhales.
Anyway, so Red finds her dude, they bang near a bunch of skyscrapers that look like liquor bottles. They then decide to escape and every room they end up in is creepier and more debaucherous than the next one. They eventually end up in a room with Nazis!
Well, that’s where they go wrong here. You may find deviant sick perverted dimwits in every party in La La Land but you won’t find Nazis. Nazis are never invited to fancy parties. You might find a few Nazis in a Van Nuys or Encino party, maybe one or two will be lurking in a Glendale party but in general they’re too busy torturing local politicians to be bothered with hitting on all the Michaelas and Amandas of the world.
Finally the couple ends up in a room where there’s some old guy with antlers on his head and a bunch of half naked muscular dudes with Cow Skulls on their heads. Things don’t end well for the wedding skipping boyfriend.
This wacko with the antlers is like the Grand Architect of the party that never ends. Dude. There's like a dozen old wackos with antlers on their heads wandering around Mann's Chinese Theater and Venice Beach right now as I type this. It's a thing. I see about 10-20 posts on Next Door a week about some wacko Antler Guy stealing mail, wandering around naked in backyards, pooping on luxury vehicles; it's a thing.
So that’s your Horror? Dude who gets cold feet ends up in an endless party where he gets tortured by men with cow skulls on their heads? Really? What about women who skip out on weddings? My ex-fiance gave me back my engagement ring, twice! So should she end up at one of these places? I would hope not. You know what would be truly terrifying, especially here in LA? If your curse was that every time you showed up to a party everyone left. How about that? That would be waaaay worse.
You want to curse me and my not responding to you as a match on my dating app after I scrutinized your Insta page and realized you had way too many tats and pictures of you in face diapers for my liking? The most horrifying curse for me would be having to always wait three lights for only two cars in front of me to take a left turn in the left turn lane. How about that AfterShockaLocka? Let’s call it ‘All Left Lanes. Every Yellow Light’ Put that out from your Poop Castle in Shoaks. That story will send half the people in LA to a therapy session in minutes!
Ray Fawkes, the Writer, said in an interview that this isn’t just a comic, “It’s an Escape Manual”. An escape from what Ray? An LA Party? If you wanna escape an LA Party all you have to do is say ‘I’m looking for representation’ you’ll find your way outside on the curb quicker than you can say ‘Thirsty’.
I appreciate the fact that the creators of this book were trying to incorporate a complicated love relationship gone bad into a vortex of an endless party disaster. It’s not a wholly bad idea it’s just that I didn’t give two shites about any of these characters. So the dude is an asshole but is the chick that much better? Like why does she get out alive and he doesn’t? Maybe he had a good reason to not marry this girl?
Neil: Well of course he had a reason! She’s a randy Redhead! She’s an insufferable insatiable ninny who will haunt your afterlife! MiracleMan won’t even bang a RedHead, he knows better!
Okay Neil, we get it. No more One Shockadelicas for me. You want to shock the world Aftershock? Walk outside of your offices on Ventura Blvd and start filming. Don’t stop until you’ve walked all the way into Studio City and then lift up both of your shoes to see how much poop you’ve picked up. Now that will shock the world.
Rating: 6.1
Verdict: Knockin’ Dem Boots is still a sexy phrase
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