BLACK CLOAK #1 - Review

Okay. Wow. Well, I’m gonna try to make heads and tails out of this thing and by tails I mean Mermaid Tails. It’s a murder mystery, triple homicide to be exact, so there’s that. We’ve got humans, an ornery Brotha Detective who scowls a lot, elves, and a ton of anthropomorphic characters with no discernable rhyme or reason to their features. Oh, and there’s Mermaids, not like hot Darryl Hannah ‘Splash’ Mermaids but like screeching grey average looking Mermaids. It’s got a bit of magic to it, a bit of lesbo lovin’ in it (par for the course these days) and a bit of royal familial vibes to it.

 

The Detectives on the case are called ‘Black Cloaks’ and somewhat feared by the citizenry; not sure why. They just wear these cloaks. They don’t, as far as the first issue goes, present any physical intimidation to anyone nor do they seem to possess any supernatural abilities. They’re just your average Law & Order Human with an Elf Babe on the hunt for a killer. The main character is a female Elf named Phaedra who apparently was exiled by the Royal Family of Elves for not marrying some Dude Elf who is now dead after being found in a flop house where he was frequenting some hooker Elf. Well, now that sounds like modern London to me, do we have ourselves a Prince Andrew parallel here, hmm?

 

I mean right there I’m kinda sold, we got a frikkin’ fancy elf who likes dem hos. I would think Elves, who usually are all very attractive, wouldn’t necessarily be the hottest bang out of the fantasy bunch. I mean, I have a crush on the Galadriel Babe of the Prime LOTR but she doesn’t strike me as freaky namean? I bet you Dwarves are by far the freakiest, like toys, tools, stones at different angles, pouring mead on buttocks kinda stuff. As for Hobbits, they’d probably giggle a lot and be all ticklish while gnawing on some loaf of bread while tappin’ that ayass. Anyway, the Ho be dead and there’s also a Mermaid who took a bite of her in a lagoon that also washed up dead and ugly AF.

 

The bar where the Elf was tappin’ it had a tank behind the bartender where a melancholic Mermaid swam. This reminded me of, wait, I think it was the Mondrian Hotel on the Sunset Strip that had a long rectangular glass enclosure behind the Front Desk where a different cute hot babe would be in just hanging out. It never failed to make me stop and stare for at least a couple of minutes. Like, how many drugs was the designer or architect on when he got the wackiest idea in Hotel History?

 

Dude, let’s put some chick in a glass case behind the front desk

 

We should put a chick in a glass case on like every floor.

 

Dude, like, outside behind the valet n’ shit.

 

Oh, Dude, room service should come and there should be a chick in a glass case on the bottom of the rolling tray.

 

What if the executive suites had a glass bed where you sleep on top of a bunch of chicks doing their homework?

 

This went on and on into the wee hours of the morning and these two psychopaths finally just had to settle on just chick in a case behind the front desk. These girls would just be in there reading a book or working on a laptop. This was way before social media took off so it wasn’t like they were Tock Ticky Tockying or Insta’ing or Snappy Wappying. I actually knew a girl who had that gig. She said it wasn’t that bad at all, she got breaks, worked on her scenes and lines, handled her emails, decent pay. She wasn’t allowed to make eye contact with customers or do anything lewd but she was in there in like boxer shorts or a skimpy bed get-up. Yeah, that’s way pervy man. I mean how do you explain that to a kid who’s with you?

 

Mommy why is that lady in the glass case?

 

She’s reading sweetheart.

 

Why does she have to read in a glass case?

 

Because it’s where she likes to read.

 

Does she sleep in there?

 

Maybe sometimes honeybunch.

 

Do other people go in there with her?

 

Only Studio Executives after 2am cutie pie.

 

Okay, so this comic has a lot going on. I’m reading a lot of people say ‘This is the New Saga’ or ‘Move over Saga’. Uhh, slow your roll homies. This doesn’t even come close to holding a Mermaid’s grey scrunchy nipple to the majesty that has been Saga. You got randy Elves, a teenager with a smoky purple head that curses and Centaur Bartenders, whoop dee doo. You got a long long way to go before you can even claim that you have anything resembling Saga. Meredith McLaren’s art is lovely If a bit Disneyish. I most certainly appreciate Image Comics dropping three times the page count for only an extra buck; uhh Marvisney are you taking notes you cheap bastards.

 

I’m on board for now. I’m intrigued and grateful that this wild murder mystery tale somehow reminded me of that super cute actress I had a crush on back in the day who spent her nights in a glass case behind a hotel’s front desk. Admit it, next time you check into a hotel you’ll look behind the front desk and wonder ‘Where’s the chick in the case?’.

 

Rating: 8.0

Verdict: Pull

PARKER GIRLS #3 & #4 - Review

I love this cover. I love Katchoo from Terry Moore’s Universe. I would have loved this cover more three years ago. Three years ago this cover is guaranteed sexy. I’m thinking:

 

 ‘Ooh who’s this hot babe with the naughty tat in the heels staring down at a possibly nekkid Katchoo, grrr'.

 

Now I’m thinking:

 

‘Is this a chick in heels or a dude? Or a dude-chick? Is that why we only see the heels cuz Terry didn’t wanna draw the dude-chick? Is this dude or chick nekkid also? Is that his big ass foot in that tiny ass heel and he’s having a moment where he can’t walk? Is Katchoo looking up at his junk? Did he-she just pull out his-her junk? Is the look that Katchoo is giving like ‘is that all you have?’ Did the Dude-Chick just say in a gruff throaty voice ‘Get out the water honey, Tranny Liebowitz only takes dips alone, scram!’

 

Ya can never really know these days can you? Nevertheless this cover still sits front and center on my comic book rack because of its inherent sexiness. What, you don’t have a comic book rack at home to display all your current comics? And you call yourself a comic geek? See, what I’m doing here is I’m avoiding getting to the meat of this comic because frankly it’s canned lunch meat at best. It may even be processed soy/pea protein/chemical meat. Oy, Terry, you’re killing me!

 

I said this in the initial review of 1&2 but it bears repeating: Terry Moore is a master of writing intricate grounded in reality relationship stories. His best work is stuff like ‘Strangers in Paradise’ which is all about relationships, until it gets wonky with the international espionage thriller stuff. He can expand to supernatural and sci-fi as he did in ‘Rachel Rising’ and ‘Echo’ (Echo is probably my all time fave of his, you should check it out if you haven’t) but every time he meanders into this Mission Impossible/Undercover Black Ops Charlie’s Angels stuff it feels like a bad 80s movie that you’d see on Skin-emax back in the 80s at around 1am.

 

Moore is a master cartoonist, there’s no denying that. He also sure knows how to draw the hell out of a Woman and most of his leads are basically all female. So I get the lure for wanting to focus on this Super Spy Agent Bad Ass group of chicks. It just lacks stakes. These girls can do no wrong and they get away with everything. They’re all super strong, super smart, they literally get away with murder. I don’t know if this is some fetish fantasy of Terry’s where he envisions these babes putting the world right but knowing what I know of intelligence agencies, black ops and brutal off the books missions I think it’s safe to say these girls are complete and utter amateurs. It’s 2023. Cameras are everrrrrywhere. These chicks just waltz in and out of places, plunge their heels in UFC dudes and just waltz out like there’ll be no repercussions. I don’t buy it.

 

The premise of this story has also gotten officially wonky. So there’s a murder mystery of some billionaire’s wife found in the Pacific Ocean that’s running along these Parker Girls (every time I hear that phrase I think of Parker Brothers the game company. Who’s up for a game of Sorry!) cornering this billionaire into somehow giving up his interest in some water project that’s going to stop the drought in California. Oy frikkin vey. Katchoo’s Meathead Roller Derby Sister convinces Katchoo to act like a ho again and seduce the billionaire to convince him to give up the company. Katchoo finds him at an event and does the Sharon Stone ‘ooh I’m wearing no panties look up my dress’ bit. I will admit, I’ve been on a few dates and had that moment where I realize there’s no panties on. It totally shorts your circuits for like ten seconds and there’s a lot umm, uhhs right after

 

I’m not sure who I’m supposed to root for in this book: these awful crass women who act with impunity, an innocent cute bystander roped into slut duty or a robotic billionaire with zero personality. I checked out the solicits and, yeah, this story is going nowhere fast. Terry, I love your stuff, I will 100% jump onto whatever your next project is but, Sorry! Drrrop! More hot pool covers though and pan up, cuz, you know, we have no idea what’s doing up there these days.

 

Rating: 5.7

Verdict: Drop

THE AVENGERS: WAR ACROSS TIME #1 - Review

There used to be this comic book shop on the corner of Fourteenth Street and Sixth Avenue in New York that I used to frequent in the 90s. It was a gold mine. You’d walk up these creaky stairs from the street into this dimly lit low ceilinged room that smelled of a dusty attic that hadn’t been entered in years. There were no fancy toys or pricy bagged and boarded comics pristinely displayed on the wall. It was just a largish room with rows and rows of long boxes on tables. You could mistake the table with the cash register as just another one of those tables although it seemed as if new long boxes would magically appear from underneath that table as if there was a portal to a garage in Queens filled with ancient comic books.

 

A nondescript guy of medium build with curly ginger hair ran the place. He never wore fan boy gear or anything flashy; it was always a fuzzy bland sweater in the winter and a simple mono-toned t-shirt in the summer. You could tell he just got up out of bed, threw on whatever was on the floor, hit the subway, grabbed a coffee and egg on a bagel from across the street and trudged up the stairs every day. He always seemed to have an air of contentedness about him, as if he was exactly where he wanted to be. Ah, yes, the gold mine. Those long boxes were filled with copious amounts of moderately priced silver and golden age comics from every title you could dream of. You could fish in your pocket for a crumpled up ten-dollar bill and get away with a couple if you were lucky.

 

Many of the books weren’t mint or near mint, there were a lot of crinkled corners, smudges, missing staples, but it didn’t matter back then. You were getting a Hulk #179 for six bucks, a Tales of Suspense featuring the Submariner for, oh, I dunno, 13 bucks, a classic FF versus Doom for five smackers. He always made deals for you at the cash counter, especially if he recognized you. There was no eBay, no Craigslist. A ‘Comic Book Price Guide’ was available but hardly ever checked. Jeez, is there anything worse than shopping a store or even worse than worse perusing comics at a garage sale where there aren’t any prices on the books and you get to the cashier and he just checks the Price Guide to charge you the ‘appropriate price’. Dude, screw you, you’re not The Forbidden Planet on Broadway you’re some random geek who needs money to pay for rent.

 

Anyway, some of the great gems of my collection came from that very store. It’s not there anymore. Hard to say when it closed up since I left New York in 2000. I bring all this up because ‘Avengers: War Across Time’ reminds me of the types of books I would dive into when I went to this store. The story? Kang wants to take over the world by sending Robotic Versions of the Marvel Universe to defeat the Heroes. In this one he sends a Robotic Hulk. Sigh, gives me all the feels.

 

Marvel was simpler back then. No ‘Mega Crossover Events’ no ‘MCU Tie-Ins’ just criminals and psychedelic wacky rulers from another part of the Universe who wanted to take over Earth. It was up to radioactive Heroes in Tights to save us. That’s one thing about Marvel that always amused me, most of their Heroes gain their super powers from radiation: Spidey, The FF, The Hulk. I’m pretty sure radiation would kill these people if we really got into it. Daredevil got his super power from a radioactive chemical blinding his eyes. Yeah, that dude is blind and lucky if he lives. He doesn’t get super powers. Perhaps it was just Stan Lee reconciling a world of Nuclear Bombs and Radiation and wanting to transmute that dangerous power into something heroic.

 

 

Oh, and look at the guy who wrote this thing! Paul Levitz, what a mensch! He apparently was the head honcho of DC from 2002-2009. From what I can tell he hasn’t done ske-wat in comic books since then. I bet a couple of Demons from Marvel were bickering at each other in Katz’s deli over the need to go retro to balance out all the crappy new stuff they’ve been putting out. Maybe one just lamented:

 

Demon One:  If only we could have someone write an old school Silver Age Avengers tale that didn’t suck we could satisfy Beelzebub’s yin for that feel for a 60s book while targeting the old comic dude market

 

Paul puts down his Corned Beef sandwich and chirps.

 

Paul: I could do that, easy peasy.

 

The Demons look at Paul. One walks over and pats his shoulder.

 

Demon Two: I bet you could pal. I bet you could.

 

While distracted by one demon the other sprinkles a powder in Paul’s Dr. Brown’s Cel-Ray soda.

 

I’m pretty sure that’s what happened. So poor Paul is tied up right now in a windowless room in Midtown with a Sylvania Typewriter pumping out these issues. I hope they let him go when the run is over. Who knows, they might extract his brain and give it to C.B. Cebulski who’ll put it behind his desk with the other brains that he siphons off original ideas from. Of course they had to release this book now what with an Antman/Wasp movie coming out where Kang, who is as handsome as Denzel in his prime now and purrs his lines like Billy Dee Williams, is the villain.

 

This book still gives me all the feels of the 14^th Street and 6^th Avenue days. I hope that the guy who ran that shop is somewhere having a garage sale today where I’m sure a kid with eyes as wide as the moon is rifling through one of his long boxes. That kid’s about to get the comic book deal and steal of his life. Enjoy it kid. It’s rough out here in a world full of Price Guides Comic Book Shops and Marketing Schmucks. Keep it real and enjoy that story. They don’t make ‘em like that anymore. Well, Paul Levitz makes 'em, on borrowed time.

 

Rating: 8.5

Verdict: Pull

SPY SUPERB #1 - Review

 

Well, looks like Matt Kindt is the Golden Boy of Hollywood all of a sudden. He’s got a bunch of projects in development at Netflix, he’s hobknobbing with Studio Mucky Mucks in forever pools while drinking hard kombucha and he’s dropping 8 dollar comic books for the plebes. He even looks like a Hollywood Mucky Muck, look at this pic of him to the right:

 

Actually, he looks more like a creepy pedo staring at kiddies through a chain link fence. Either that or the weirdo that wanders through Tompkins Square park in New York City in the wee hours mumbling to himself about the war and the need for a hearty minestrone. I mean, if this guy showed up at my door with my DoorDash order I’d text him to drop the food and slowly back away from my door with his long wool overcoat peeled open to reveal any possible blunt objects. I’ve also got a Stink Eye for the Kindt Eye since his last 4 issue Mind MGMT: Bootleg debacle which turned out to be nothing but a long winded ad for the Mind MGMT board game.

 

Kindt’s also getting the Hollywood ‘Meets’ treatment where your projects are dangled between two opposing characters or personalities. For Spy Superb we get ‘John Wick meets Wes Anderson’. Yeah, no. This ain’t no John Wick meets Wes Anderson this book is Matt Kindt meets his wife Sharlene in the study and they make a comic book. This is Mind MGMT meets Mgmt MIND where video games, audio books and podcasts are standing at the ready for all your scribbly pastel colored needs. Did Wes Anderson dismiss Matty at a swanky Golden Globes party and now Matty wants to return the favor by reducing this great filmmaker to a scribbly book? There’s also zero John Wick in this book, it’s just a shmo who somehow manages to escape being killed by 5 killers as they accidentally kill themselves in his kitchen.

 

The premise? The legend of an invincible spy ‘Spy Superb’ is kept alive by an intelligence agency by using unsuspecting normies to carry out the missions. In order to maintain the charade or lose a bunch of secrets stored on a phone they rope in an unsuspecting roob named Jay Bartholomew who considers himself an Auteur but is nothing more than a shmo who works at a bookstore. Clever. I can just see Matty Kay and Jonah Hill getting prostate massages from some Trannies overlooking the Pacific Palisades talking up the plot to this book and bandying about the name for the book store shmo.

 

Jonah: How about James Bartles, like the opposite of Bartles & James?

 

MattY Kay DawG: James Bartles, hilarious, you’re a hoot Jay H Doggie. Ooh, how about Jay H James. I mean, you’re on board for the Apple TV + series right?

 

Jonah: I’m on board if his name is Jay Hewson, that was the name of this asshole who crashed my Bar Mitzvah, won the limbo contest and made out with my crush Jessica Fish.

 

Matty Kizzle Dizzle: You knew a girl named Jessica Fish?

 

Jonah: Yeah, I think she’s rapping in Asia under the name J-Lox.

 

MKD: Word ‘em up.

 

Jonah: Jay Bartles? Jay Bartholomew? J.B. Chunky, not smooth?

 

Mind MATTAGEMENT: Dudaroonski, Jay fuckin Bartholomew, boom.

 

So, Jay Bee gets this phone, heads to his pad and five assassins show up to take him out. But Jay is so klutzy or lucky that they all end up accidentally killing themselves or each other: a burner on a stove explodes, a bunch of steak knives somehow end up in a guy’s back, a simple kitchen fire extinguisher is apparently deadly enough to take out two men as well. Yeah, I call BS. If you pitched this scene to me as an exec in an elevator at CAA I’d take your parking validation and make you pay the $30 for the 10 minutes you were in the building. My goodness, you people probably have no idea how they’ve jacked up the prices for non-validated vehicles in office buildings in Los Angeles. It’s out of control. I also feel receptionists have different validation cards, like if they like you then you get 2-3 hours but if someone calls the front desk before you leave it’s 15 minutes and good luck loser.

 

Anyway, look, this book isn’t half bad, in fact it’s pretty good. I love love love the cover. The Trader Joe’s bag variant with the receipt on the back and the ‘Trader/Traitor’ pun is genius. I’d like to think that Matt K Dawg shops at Trader Joe’s and hasn’t become an Erewhon snob yet. Maybe that’s wishful thinking at this point. There’s absolutely no reason why you wouldn’t want to check out the next issue other than the fact that it’s 8 frikkin’ bux. I don’t see why this book is 8 bux. Wonder Woman Historia and other Black Label mega hits like Aquaman Andromeda were priced around 8 bux and they were in Prestige Format. That’s a no brainer there. What’s this fascination now by publishers with three issue series for 8 bux each? Let’s just pump these out quickly so I can drop the $40 trade with the extras and downloadable Augmented Reality Filters and a Pokemon card, is that it? Hot to trot comic book dudes are now too busy to lord over a six to twelve month issue commitment because they’re too busy walking around a high stakes Hollywood Writers room swinging a bat like they’re Tom Cruise in ‘A Few Good Men’?

 

I mean, uggh, it just feels like more and more that comic books are not just comic books for comic books sake they have to key in to the grand machine of content that cascades into the endless vacuum void of screen addicted earthlings. That’s all well and good and I get it, who wouldn’t want their creations finding new homes and new outlets of expression? Who wouldn’t want to roll up into an exciting casting session where little starlets wander in reciting lines you thought up in your boxer shorts in your studio apartment in Waukesha?

 

Spy Superb isn’t really superb, it’s Spy Pretty Good and you’ll probably yank the next two issues to say ‘I read this when…’ as Jonah accepts his Golden Globe for his portrayal of James Bartles (name changed on first day of shooting by Jonah as Matt was escorted off set by security)

 

Rating: 8.3

Verdict: Pull

January '23 Reading Round Up

 

 

January's over already??? Yeesh. Gotta say, I was hyped for this batch of comics but other than the stupendous debut of the three issue series 'A Vicious Circle', Love Everlasting and good ol' Groo never failing to entertain there was a lot of mnyeh and blecchh in my pull this month.

There were a chunk of books that I dipped into which didn’t really merit a full review. 'Once Upon a Time at the End of the World' #2 was okay, nothing special. It’s teetering on the edge of being a cheesy Adult Swim anime type series. I thought I was going to be getting something a little more substantive and instead I’m getting a goofy Saturday Morning cartoonish apocalypse page stopper. It gets one more issue to turn it around or get filed in the ‘Boom! You’ve been dropped again Boom!' comics’ file.

 

Speaking of droppable, Daredevil is officially doggie pee-pad material. After it’s SIXTH issue of set-up for the Fist in the Hand of the Dong War, I’m completely snoring. Murdock is a somber grump and I don’t know why Leonard Sampson the Sasquatch Grinch is getting panel time with his psychiatric evaluations of criminal degenerates I’ve never heard of. Elektra goes after a compromised/possessed husk of a US President only to see him jump backwards out of window and disintegrate into dust on the hood of a car. Maybe she could head to the White House Set in Hollywood and flick the nose of Sleepy Joe; that’d probably turn him into dust as well. Maybe Iron Man can fly to Geneva and pull the plug on all of Joe's CGI appearances. Maybe I’ll pull another Marvel series in 2026.

 

Can Elon Musk or some other Billionaire please do a hostile takeover of Marvel from Disney for goodness sake? We’ve reached that point where I’m pretty sure the Marvel Comics Editors are being hung upside in a basement in Disney Land and being forced to make God Awful creative decisions while being forced to watch Lilo and Stitch on a continuous loop. I bet Robert Downey Jr heads down there every other day dressed up as The Scarlet Witch to torture them with his interpretive dance of ‘Less than Zero’. What a shit show.

 

In other news ‘Love Everlasting' #5 completed its first arc and cemented itself as one of the best ongoing series alive. I can’t get enough of Elsa Charretier’s beautiful linework and I’m completely hooked by this timeline hopping love story with a mysterious cowboy who shoots our heroine in the head after every rejection of love. Maybe I need to dress up as a Cowboy, find all the chicks who ghosted me, and shoot them in the head with a water pistol. Who knows, maybe I'll jump into another timeline where women have never heard of a smartphone before and all dress like Prince fans.

 

White Knight #7 was a solid unspectacular set-up issue for the Grand Finale of the White Knight Murphyverse that’s coming in the next issue. Seeing that series come to an end is going to be a huge bummer. I really hope they deliver a Wham Bam Issue deserving of this majestic run. Here's the rest of what I got into...

 

 

What's the Furthest Place From Here #9-10

 

Miracleman: Silverage #3

 

Kroma #2

 

Night of the Ghoul #3

 

A Vicious Circle #1

Groo: Gods Against Groo #1

Batman Spawn

Art Brut #1

Coming up soon, 'Super Spy' by Kindt, the hot new 'Black Cloak' series and 'The Avengers War Across Time'; can Marvel actually publish something half decent?

Happy Reading!

WHAT'S THE FURTHEST PLACE FROM HERE #9 & #10 - The Backstory Boys

 

 

I’m absolutely floored. This has got to be a first. Issue #9 of this series became the THIRD backstory issue in a row. Have you ever seen that before? Comic book moseying along, narrative moving ahead just fine and then – Boom! Let’s put out not one, not even two, but an unconscionable THREE issues in a row from THREE totally different artists about stuff that happened before our story started with not even one single panel reminding us where the hell we actually are in the current story. There’s only one conclusion that can be drawn from this development: Boss and Rosenberg had no clue that this book was going to be at all successful. They were probably thinking ‘Dude, lets wrap some basketball player’s heads up in a sheet and put them in a Pilgrim dress and drop them in a Lord of The Flies story’. After laughing for a couple months they wrote this comic book and made sure to make as many references to vinyl as possible to maintain their street cred.

 

I’m sure they were smoking a phat bowl (is that what they say when you’re really getting stoned, I have no idea) in their loft/duplex/vinyl storage facility in Echo Park when they came up with this story idea. One of the Hipster chicks who supplies them with 'shrooms, Kimi Wawa Na Na, had an in at Image since she used to walk around Image’s offices as a half naked Anime chick while she was an intern. It’s where Marjorie Liu got the idea for Kippa for her Monstress series. She was visiting Image and this Kimi Wawa Na Na babe was parading around the offices in her ‘Little Fox’ get up while she was handing out invites to Image’s annual ‘Walking Dead: Nyotaimori’ event (That’s where everyone goes to a private Sushi den but instead of eating sushi off a naked woman they eat it off a naked Zombie).

 

So Rose Boss got a series, did a bunch of coke, wrote six issues and handed them into Image. Then they took their advance money and headed to Joshua Tree where they went on an Ayahuasca bender as they are wont to do. Problem is, Image got in touch with them somehow and said:

 

Image:  Uh, hey boys, your series is doing really well, we wanna order another six issues, you up for it?

 

Boss: Who is it?

 

Rosenberg: The comic dudes.

 

Boss: Marvel?

 

Rosenberg: I didn’t say Satan I said the comic dudes.

 

Boss: Oh, Kirkman and the boys. What do they want? Fuck, I can’t stop seeing flamingos dressed in medical scrubs doing Tik Tok dances.

 

Rosenberg: Dude, I’m tripping balls, everywhere I look the characters from Saga are dressed up as the cast from Taxi.

 

Boss: No fucking way, who’s Latka?

 

Rosenberg: Ghus, the little sea fucker.

 

Boss: Duuuude, fuckin’ a. Who’s Louie DePalma?

 

Rosenberg: Lying Cat.

 

Boss: Dude, get me in your trip dude like yesterday. Shit, where’s Kimi at?

 

Rosenberg: You’re banging her dude. What do I tell Captain Kirk?

 

Boss: Six more issues? Dude.

 

Rosenberg: I know. Wait, I got it. Ass Backwards Story Lines Gambit?

 

Boss: Fuck yeah ass backwards story lines, ass, ass, ohhhh duuuude –

 

Rosenberg: Hey look, comic dudes, we’ll do it but like, y’all are gonna have to let us pump out a backstory issue first. We’re working on an anime project based on 70s sitcoms.

 

Image: Wow, you guys are so ahead of the times. Backstories? Love ‘em.

 

So Image hung up and Boss/Rosenberg never left Joshua Tree which forced Image to pump out their own backstory issue with an artist of their choosing. This has gone on since last October, for three issues. Don’t believe me? That image you see on the cover above is what they were staring at the entire time they were in Joshua tree. They attempted to climb into that thing and pilot it to Saturn every day while tripping balls. That freaked out fox/coyote you see looking off to the left is looking at Kimi Wawa Na Na who’s also dressed like a fox on her hands and knees. Boss and Rosenberg were finally found on New Year’s Eve at the Parkwest Bicycle Casino in Bell Gardens, CA passed out at the poker tables dressed as Lying Cats.

 

While in Rehab they pumped out issue #10 in a few days while pounding mushroom coffee which was approved by their rehab. I’m pretty sure I saw them dressed up as Antifa over the weekend in Downtown LA during the police protests. Makes sense, I would also want a way to release the stress of Image’s publication schedule and what better way than busting car windows and storefronts with a hammer knowing you’ll never be arrested?

 

Anyway, so Issue 10? I mean, I have no idea what the hell is going on at this point. I'm pretty sure Issue 6, where we left off, was released during Barack Obama's presidency. Why couldn't these doofuses have just taken a hiatus like all the other successful comic book series? These cats need to head over to Sherman Oaks and hang out with BKV, that dude will totally school these druggies on how to take mad breaks from creating comic book stuff. He'll have '4 Kids Walk Into a Bank' on Hulu faster than you can say 'For God's sake do not turn Saga into a wack streaming show'. Well, it turns out I didn't have to fish through all my comic book boxes to find Issue #6, why? BECAUSE ISSUE 10 IS ANOTHER BACKSTORY HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Are you frikkin' kidding me? I mean, it's not half bad, it involves a Hall & Oates album and a Husky and I'm all for doggies. It was definitely done by our resident Ball Trippers. Maybe they got back to their loft/duplex/vinyl storage facility in Echo Park after finishing their rehab/Antifa stint and got writer's block. Maybe they wrote this story while crawling naked on their bellies in Joshua Tree chasing a coyote that looked like Tony Danza. Maybe we'll just have nothing but back story issues for the rest of the year. 

 

Maybe I'll connect with Kimi Wawa Na Na on my Raya app and meet up with her at an Izakaya in Little Tokyo where she'll confess to me that she's written and drawn this entire series. And maybe, juuuust maybe, I'll read the next back story issue of this series as it's perfectly placed on her naked body while my mug of coffee rests on one of her boobs and my gluten free cinnamon roll rests on her poon. Maybe after I'm finished reading Kimi will text her contact at Paramount Studios and we'll head over there and pitch them a reboot of Taxi for their Paramount Plus network and I'll finally live my dream of playing Louie DePalma. That would be the furthest place from me sitting here by my onesies in my La-Z-Boy wondering when the hell this story is going to get going again.

Rating: 7.0

Verdict: Pull and Date Kimi

MIRACLEMAN: THE SILVERAGE #3 - Review

 

This is the one. This is the biggie. The 'Okay, what are you going to do Neil' moment. You have Buckingham’s art and Bellaire’s colors so it’s going to look stunning. You’ve taken the mantle of one of Moore’s Masterpieces and carried it forward gallantly…so far. But here we are, at the point of no return where you will make your mark and state the direction of this grand tale. Do not take this lightly Neil, we wait with bated breath. The cast is the same save for some new kids who are gently touched upon save for some redhead chick who apparently just wants to bang everyone. We just had a major smoocheroo moment between Double M and Little M where Big M wants to get Little Dicky into his Miracle Harem because, hmm, I suppose that even if you’re God Like you want what you can’t have. It’s nice to know that Comic Book Deities would probably get ghosted on a dating app, makes me feel better.

 

Before I get into what Sir Neil did with this issue I’d like to preface this all by saying I love me some Neil G, like for realz foreverrzz. Everything he touched turned to gold untillll The Sandman Netflix show. That Ambien substitute literally put me to sleep and his casting choices rankled me. Look, if you have existing material that fans have cherished close to their heart for decades and then you change the look of that material for no specific reason other than your whimsical fetish or cultural imperative then you have betrayed the trust of your fans. Period. I have ZERO issue with diverse casting/gender swap casting if it makes sense and the performance of that casting transcends the original by leaps and bounds. That’s not what happened here, it made a mockery of the existing material especially with Lucien who I adored in the comics. That casting right off the bat bit my balls every scene and I’m not really into nut play.

 

Look, if you have existing material but then are changing the world for a piece that exists prior to your existing material than you have every right to do whatever as you so please since the world has not been defined yet. I’m looking at you ‘Lord of the Rings: Rings of Power’. The diverse casting in that show was magnificently done and all the choices gave performances that uplifted the series to another level, especially Arondir; he was flat out brilliant. I also loved Princess Disa. Bottom line: The Non-Traditional Diverse casting for Sandman was jarring and a huge distraction. The Non Traditional Diverse casting for LOTR on Prime was seamless and amazing with stellar performances by each cast member. Just because you go a different way doesn’t mean it works. So lets just say that after the Sandman debacle Neil got a stink eye from me.

 

You open up the issue and even Marvisney is trumpeting the fact that it’s been TWENTY NINE YEARS since the story was left off. To put that into context, twenty-nine years ago Shawshank Redemption was released in theaters. Can you imagine if they were about to release a sequel to that masterpiece?  Well, actually the way Hollywood works I’m sure there’s been countless drafts submitted for that hypothetical project:

 

Studio Exec: Shawshank 2 huh? Okay, waddya boys got for me?

 

Writing Partner One: Okay, so, Andy and Red finish the boat, they sail off and end up in a Bermuda Triangle vortex that takes them back to a land of dinosaurs and instead of escaping from a prison they have to escape into a prison to be safe.

 

Writing Partner Two: When the Aliens attack the Avengers show up and Margot Robbie is Captain America, Spike Lee is the Hulk and Mayim Bialik is Iron Yenta. Look, it’s a bit far fetched but we’ve got to find a way to sell all this Iron Yenta Merch we have in stock. The bidet that goes ‘Oy’ after it shoots water is a Holiday Gift that’s begging to go viral’.

 

Studio Exec: Mayim is a terror on set with her allergy requests. But I like it!

 

Okay, so, this comic? Basically it’s pure blah. Dicky ends up in the Himalayas, gets picked up by a random hiker dude hiking to meet some former Double M enhanced hero at the top. On their way they meet a horny superhero purple haired babe and a huge Brotha with Storm hair on a high tech motorcycle. Dicky sits behind the purple hair chick and she grabs his hands and places them under her boobs. So, everybody wants to bang Dicky. Maybe that should be your new Netflix show: Everybody wants to Bang Dicky D and you can cast Cardi B as Dicky D and Steve Buscemi as the purple hair chick and CGI the Olsen Sisters as each one of her boobs.

 

What does Neil have against chicks with red or multi-colored hair, are they all just sluts? Why is there no outrage from the masses? Maybe if he draws a Blue Haired chick she’ll insist Dickie join her in a protest against capitalism and shove some impossible meat up his impeccable anus. Anyway –

 

They finally get to the top, Dickie has nightmares of Johnny who looks like Namor in a suit, the Dude they’re hiking to meet looks like Hagrid from Harry Pooper. He whines about how he was made a hero by Double M and didn’t like it. Boo frikkin Hoo. I’m supposed to care, why? We get three panels of MiracleMan in sum total. Johnny gets cast out of Dickie Dreamland and…that’s it? Dude.

 

Here’s a question to all the Comic Geeks out there? What’s great right now? Not, what’s really good what’s ‘Oh my goodness cannot wait have to read in seconds once I get it’ great? I look on the stands and see, well, all the amazing Black Label books have just ended. Saga is back but it kinda stumbled out of the gate a bit. A Vicious Circle was great but it’s only three issues and I think it’s gonna need a beyond amazing second issue to cement its greatness. THIS book is supposed to transcend the medium. THIS book is supposed to set the standard for comic books in 2023. THIS is the one that you cradle in your hands and smile after you’re done reading it.

 

Come on Sir Neil. I have faith. Bring it. Maybe take out the bit of some green haired pan sexual flight attendant who wants to have Dicky D suck her scuffled flight attendant shoes and just focus on the main characters? I’ll be here waiting for your masterpiece…while looking out my window to see if any Purple Haired Babes walk past, I mean, I am kinda horny.

 

Rating: 6.5   

Verdict: Pull

KROMA #2 - Review & Expose

 

Kroma. Great first issue. A nail biting WTF cliffhanger. Issue two comes out and…oh boy. Look at the cover. The chick has her left eye covered by a flower. That’s some serious one eye symbol elite occult wack job stuff right there. Don’t believe me? Take a gander at this article and tell me this pic is just a random artistic choice: One Eyed Symbol Stuff . Okay, what’s going on here? Who is this Lorenzo dude? He’s from Italy right? Great, he’s some P2 Freemason/Mafia Soldato who’s continuing the sick agenda for his Luciferian masters. Now I’m not reading a comic book I’m taking in a mental indoctrination and spiritual debasement of my sparkly soul. Not only that I’m paying 8 bux for it!

 

So the main character from the first issue was this kid called Zet who was lorded over by some Priest who wears a satanic horn headdress while he perpetuates a lie that this cute chick who cracks herself out of a black egg is who the people of this walled in city should fear. The kid, naturally, investigates who this girl is and develops a crush on her. Hell, so did I, I got a thing for cute blonde girls. At the conclusion of the first issue our supposed lead character gets speared right through the chest and dies while falling off the cliff of the tower where the girl is imprisoned. Clearly, it’s a nod to the modus operandi of the occult entertainment community since that’s what you have to do if you want to get ahead in the industry; you have to sacrifice someone close to you. I wonder who this Lorenzo dude sacrificed? Was it one of his childhood buddies who looked like this kid Zet? What’s going on here? Am I reading a comic book that’s beautifully drawn by an Italian bad ass or reading a confession by another industry pawn who’s face is probably being sat on by Cardi B right now as she babbles in tongues in an infinity pool in the Hollywood hills.

 

Our new lead, the cute blonde girl, is vaulted out into the outside world on what must be the longest rope in the history of mankind. I call BS on this rope Lorenzo! I mean, it must be as long as the radius of the entire walled in city, look at that thing? Were you too busy drawing pentagrams on your wall to calculate something a little more realistic for a device to get Blondie into a new environment? What is that, like 1000 feet from tower to wall? So she lands on a tree safely with no broken bones, bruises or injuries after traveling in the air for a couple thousand feet? Was that what you had to do to be initiated into the Medici family? How many tunnels underneath the Vatican did you have to travel before finding your way ‘into the light’? Was this where you came up for the idea of a regular girl who can swing on a rope like Spiderman and never be hurt? Do you have a date with Madonna tonight and when she sits on your face are you planning to draw some more panels for your evil comic while she bleats out ‘Dress you up with my love?’ Can you confirm to us at least that Madonna’s poon at this point smells like blue cheese?

 

Another thing I noticed is that Lorenzo has a fetish for skirt shots? As in there’s a lot of panels where you’ve got an angle that you’re looking up this girl’s loincloth at her thighs. I counted about 10 of them. Here’s one of them:

 

 

So here’s my question, how old is this girl? She can’t be no older than like, what, sixteen right? So she’s a minor right? So if I’m developing a crush on her or looking a little harder at these panels than I should then I’m a straight up pedo right? She’s mighty young Lorenzo! Was that how they got you? You’re an old bearded perv dude and you were dating some sophomore in High School on the down low and they cornered you and said ‘Either draw this FreeMason Mafia Occult Elite Comic for us or we will ruin your life in your little Italian village?’ Is that what happened Lorenzo???

 

So now, with you getting a bunch of comic geeks a little hot and heavy over a minor are you in essence promoting the pedo agenda? You know the agenda where they’re trying to stop saying the word Pedo and replace it with ‘Minor Attracted Persons’. Look that up, it’s completely bonkers. So when you said yes to writing this comic book were you awarded with a night with Lady Gaga? And did she show up dressed as Alana from Saga dressed as Hazel? Unbelievable! Lorenzo. Dude. I’m just trying to enjoy some comic book goodness with my coffee in the morning as my terrier nestles near my lap mmkay? I’m not trying to support your lascivious debased proclivity to bang Pop Stars dressed as your favorite comic book characters!!! Like what happens if I purchase Issue 3? Does Doja Cat show up at your Den of Evil dressed as Batgirl or does Jamie Lee Curtis show up at your apartment with a couple suitcases (wink wink).

 

Spoiler: This issue ends our High School Sweetheart being drugged by the Old Guy in a Bird Suit that saves her earlier in the issue. He straddles her chest with a knife and is about to carve her eyes out. Wonderful. More occulty stuff, thanks Lorenzo. Are you trying to get a job at Marvisney? Hate to break it you but you’re gonna have to eat an extra from the set of She Hulk in order to get a meeting and all those extras are super chubby for some reason. The production coordinator from She Hulk called Central Casting and specifically requested extras that were chubby and slow. I guess they were tired of hunting down the lanky spry extras for their post shoot meal.

 

Sigh, the sad thing is I kinda wanna see what happens here so you win Lorenzo you depraved degenerate. I’ll support your debaucherous ways for now. But for goodness sake, put a pair of pants on Blondie already!

 

Rating: 7.5

Verdict: Pull with shame