MIRACLEMAN: THE SILVERAGE #3 - Review

 

This is the one. This is the biggie. The 'Okay, what are you going to do Neil' moment. You have Buckingham’s art and Bellaire’s colors so it’s going to look stunning. You’ve taken the mantle of one of Moore’s Masterpieces and carried it forward gallantly…so far. But here we are, at the point of no return where you will make your mark and state the direction of this grand tale. Do not take this lightly Neil, we wait with bated breath. The cast is the same save for some new kids who are gently touched upon save for some redhead chick who apparently just wants to bang everyone. We just had a major smoocheroo moment between Double M and Little M where Big M wants to get Little Dicky into his Miracle Harem because, hmm, I suppose that even if you’re God Like you want what you can’t have. It’s nice to know that Comic Book Deities would probably get ghosted on a dating app, makes me feel better.

 

Before I get into what Sir Neil did with this issue I’d like to preface this all by saying I love me some Neil G, like for realz foreverrzz. Everything he touched turned to gold untillll The Sandman Netflix show. That Ambien substitute literally put me to sleep and his casting choices rankled me. Look, if you have existing material that fans have cherished close to their heart for decades and then you change the look of that material for no specific reason other than your whimsical fetish or cultural imperative then you have betrayed the trust of your fans. Period. I have ZERO issue with diverse casting/gender swap casting if it makes sense and the performance of that casting transcends the original by leaps and bounds. That’s not what happened here, it made a mockery of the existing material especially with Lucien who I adored in the comics. That casting right off the bat bit my balls every scene and I’m not really into nut play.

 

Look, if you have existing material but then are changing the world for a piece that exists prior to your existing material than you have every right to do whatever as you so please since the world has not been defined yet. I’m looking at you ‘Lord of the Rings: Rings of Power’. The diverse casting in that show was magnificently done and all the choices gave performances that uplifted the series to another level, especially Arondir; he was flat out brilliant. I also loved Princess Disa. Bottom line: The Non-Traditional Diverse casting for Sandman was jarring and a huge distraction. The Non Traditional Diverse casting for LOTR on Prime was seamless and amazing with stellar performances by each cast member. Just because you go a different way doesn’t mean it works. So lets just say that after the Sandman debacle Neil got a stink eye from me.

 

You open up the issue and even Marvisney is trumpeting the fact that it’s been TWENTY NINE YEARS since the story was left off. To put that into context, twenty-nine years ago Shawshank Redemption was released in theaters. Can you imagine if they were about to release a sequel to that masterpiece?  Well, actually the way Hollywood works I’m sure there’s been countless drafts submitted for that hypothetical project:

 

Studio Exec: Shawshank 2 huh? Okay, waddya boys got for me?

 

Writing Partner One: Okay, so, Andy and Red finish the boat, they sail off and end up in a Bermuda Triangle vortex that takes them back to a land of dinosaurs and instead of escaping from a prison they have to escape into a prison to be safe.

 

Writing Partner Two: When the Aliens attack the Avengers show up and Margot Robbie is Captain America, Spike Lee is the Hulk and Mayim Bialik is Iron Yenta. Look, it’s a bit far fetched but we’ve got to find a way to sell all this Iron Yenta Merch we have in stock. The bidet that goes ‘Oy’ after it shoots water is a Holiday Gift that’s begging to go viral’.

 

Studio Exec: Mayim is a terror on set with her allergy requests. But I like it!

 

Okay, so, this comic? Basically it’s pure blah. Dicky ends up in the Himalayas, gets picked up by a random hiker dude hiking to meet some former Double M enhanced hero at the top. On their way they meet a horny superhero purple haired babe and a huge Brotha with Storm hair on a high tech motorcycle. Dicky sits behind the purple hair chick and she grabs his hands and places them under her boobs. So, everybody wants to bang Dicky. Maybe that should be your new Netflix show: Everybody wants to Bang Dicky D and you can cast Cardi B as Dicky D and Steve Buscemi as the purple hair chick and CGI the Olsen Sisters as each one of her boobs.

 

What does Neil have against chicks with red or multi-colored hair, are they all just sluts? Why is there no outrage from the masses? Maybe if he draws a Blue Haired chick she’ll insist Dickie join her in a protest against capitalism and shove some impossible meat up his impeccable anus. Anyway –

 

They finally get to the top, Dickie has nightmares of Johnny who looks like Namor in a suit, the Dude they’re hiking to meet looks like Hagrid from Harry Pooper. He whines about how he was made a hero by Double M and didn’t like it. Boo frikkin Hoo. I’m supposed to care, why? We get three panels of MiracleMan in sum total. Johnny gets cast out of Dickie Dreamland and…that’s it? Dude.

 

Here’s a question to all the Comic Geeks out there? What’s great right now? Not, what’s really good what’s ‘Oh my goodness cannot wait have to read in seconds once I get it’ great? I look on the stands and see, well, all the amazing Black Label books have just ended. Saga is back but it kinda stumbled out of the gate a bit. A Vicious Circle was great but it’s only three issues and I think it’s gonna need a beyond amazing second issue to cement its greatness. THIS book is supposed to transcend the medium. THIS book is supposed to set the standard for comic books in 2023. THIS is the one that you cradle in your hands and smile after you’re done reading it.

 

Come on Sir Neil. I have faith. Bring it. Maybe take out the bit of some green haired pan sexual flight attendant who wants to have Dicky D suck her scuffled flight attendant shoes and just focus on the main characters? I’ll be here waiting for your masterpiece…while looking out my window to see if any Purple Haired Babes walk past, I mean, I am kinda horny.

 

Rating: 6.5   

Verdict: Pull

KROMA #2 - Review & Expose

 

Kroma. Great first issue. A nail biting WTF cliffhanger. Issue two comes out and…oh boy. Look at the cover. The chick has her left eye covered by a flower. That’s some serious one eye symbol elite occult wack job stuff right there. Don’t believe me? Take a gander at this article and tell me this pic is just a random artistic choice: One Eyed Symbol Stuff . Okay, what’s going on here? Who is this Lorenzo dude? He’s from Italy right? Great, he’s some P2 Freemason/Mafia Soldato who’s continuing the sick agenda for his Luciferian masters. Now I’m not reading a comic book I’m taking in a mental indoctrination and spiritual debasement of my sparkly soul. Not only that I’m paying 8 bux for it!

 

So the main character from the first issue was this kid called Zet who was lorded over by some Priest who wears a satanic horn headdress while he perpetuates a lie that this cute chick who cracks herself out of a black egg is who the people of this walled in city should fear. The kid, naturally, investigates who this girl is and develops a crush on her. Hell, so did I, I got a thing for cute blonde girls. At the conclusion of the first issue our supposed lead character gets speared right through the chest and dies while falling off the cliff of the tower where the girl is imprisoned. Clearly, it’s a nod to the modus operandi of the occult entertainment community since that’s what you have to do if you want to get ahead in the industry; you have to sacrifice someone close to you. I wonder who this Lorenzo dude sacrificed? Was it one of his childhood buddies who looked like this kid Zet? What’s going on here? Am I reading a comic book that’s beautifully drawn by an Italian bad ass or reading a confession by another industry pawn who’s face is probably being sat on by Cardi B right now as she babbles in tongues in an infinity pool in the Hollywood hills.

 

Our new lead, the cute blonde girl, is vaulted out into the outside world on what must be the longest rope in the history of mankind. I call BS on this rope Lorenzo! I mean, it must be as long as the radius of the entire walled in city, look at that thing? Were you too busy drawing pentagrams on your wall to calculate something a little more realistic for a device to get Blondie into a new environment? What is that, like 1000 feet from tower to wall? So she lands on a tree safely with no broken bones, bruises or injuries after traveling in the air for a couple thousand feet? Was that what you had to do to be initiated into the Medici family? How many tunnels underneath the Vatican did you have to travel before finding your way ‘into the light’? Was this where you came up for the idea of a regular girl who can swing on a rope like Spiderman and never be hurt? Do you have a date with Madonna tonight and when she sits on your face are you planning to draw some more panels for your evil comic while she bleats out ‘Dress you up with my love?’ Can you confirm to us at least that Madonna’s poon at this point smells like blue cheese?

 

Another thing I noticed is that Lorenzo has a fetish for skirt shots? As in there’s a lot of panels where you’ve got an angle that you’re looking up this girl’s loincloth at her thighs. I counted about 10 of them. Here’s one of them:

 

 

So here’s my question, how old is this girl? She can’t be no older than like, what, sixteen right? So she’s a minor right? So if I’m developing a crush on her or looking a little harder at these panels than I should then I’m a straight up pedo right? She’s mighty young Lorenzo! Was that how they got you? You’re an old bearded perv dude and you were dating some sophomore in High School on the down low and they cornered you and said ‘Either draw this FreeMason Mafia Occult Elite Comic for us or we will ruin your life in your little Italian village?’ Is that what happened Lorenzo???

 

So now, with you getting a bunch of comic geeks a little hot and heavy over a minor are you in essence promoting the pedo agenda? You know the agenda where they’re trying to stop saying the word Pedo and replace it with ‘Minor Attracted Persons’. Look that up, it’s completely bonkers. So when you said yes to writing this comic book were you awarded with a night with Lady Gaga? And did she show up dressed as Alana from Saga dressed as Hazel? Unbelievable! Lorenzo. Dude. I’m just trying to enjoy some comic book goodness with my coffee in the morning as my terrier nestles near my lap mmkay? I’m not trying to support your lascivious debased proclivity to bang Pop Stars dressed as your favorite comic book characters!!! Like what happens if I purchase Issue 3? Does Doja Cat show up at your Den of Evil dressed as Batgirl or does Jamie Lee Curtis show up at your apartment with a couple suitcases (wink wink).

 

Spoiler: This issue ends our High School Sweetheart being drugged by the Old Guy in a Bird Suit that saves her earlier in the issue. He straddles her chest with a knife and is about to carve her eyes out. Wonderful. More occulty stuff, thanks Lorenzo. Are you trying to get a job at Marvisney? Hate to break it you but you’re gonna have to eat an extra from the set of She Hulk in order to get a meeting and all those extras are super chubby for some reason. The production coordinator from She Hulk called Central Casting and specifically requested extras that were chubby and slow. I guess they were tired of hunting down the lanky spry extras for their post shoot meal.

 

Sigh, the sad thing is I kinda wanna see what happens here so you win Lorenzo you depraved degenerate. I’ll support your debaucherous ways for now. But for goodness sake, put a pair of pants on Blondie already!

 

Rating: 7.5

Verdict: Pull with shame

NIGHT OF THE GHOUL - The Horrific Harrowing Tale of Scott Snyder

Night of the Ghoul mercifully came to an end after three issues drained my comic book budget of 15 bux. There’s something yucky about turning the last page of something that brought you no joy whatsoever other than the intrigue of something great. One would think I would have learned my lesson with all the eye candy flopping about Los Angeles but I guess I still have much to learn when it comes to trusting comic book creators to come with the booyaka shot of comic book goodness. I have to say, I’m completely befuddled by this poop fest. Scott Snyder has become that Rookie Phenom who had a blistering do-no-wrong first season (Batman; Court of Owls) but has barely gotten the ball out of the infield since. I’m looking at you ‘We Have Demons’ and all that “Dark Metal DC Crossover Omnibust Madness’.  He did have ‘Wytches’ which was a horror genre shot to the bleachers, which is why I thought this would be another wallop.

 

I get that he was doing an homage to all the great Horror Movies of yesteryear with his back and forth between current day burnt face director in an old folks home and crinkly grainy footage of a lost cinematic masterpiece. It just all felt so…goofy? I didn’t once feel like I cared for any of the characters. The Dad was like a whiny entitled film executive type from Calabasas who was pestering some old relic for footage like he was at Gelson’s badgering the deli counter guy to find another piece of Teriyaki Salmon in the back or go fishing for one. The kid was a mealy mouthed cardboard cut out of a character who you wanted to see eaten by a bunch of old lanky purple zombie yuckmouths. Who was I supposed to be rooting for in this mish mosh?

 

Not only that, but I can’t for the life of me understand why the artist Frankie Francavilla kept putting his insignia on a bunch of the pages he drew. Have you ever seen that??? Like, the cover, fine, maybe the final splash page but on random pages right in the middle of the story? WTF? It totally takes you out of the narrative and makes you think ‘oh yeah some egotistical doofus drew this it’s not real’. Please tell me it’s the editors fault and not Frankie’s as I happen to really enjoy his work a lot. Okay, then I had an epiphany…

 

It finally hit me, I realized what was going on here. This wasn’t Scott Snyder writing a horror story/homage to classic monster movies. This was Scott Snyder’s way of writing a plea to the masses. It was his way of revealing what happened at the very end of his initial Batman run where his Mr. Bloom story line abruptly came to a quizzical end. It’s become pretty clear to me that Synder and Capullo were summoned to the depths underneath the Getty Center to a meeting where the Lords of Comic Book Entertainment were to give them an initiation into the high order while giving them their marching orders. To his credit, Snyder refused and what you see in The Ghoul is his reenactment of his escape with Capullo from the gruesome clutches of the Marvel and DC Minions. 

 

So first we have Scott Snyder seeing his demonic masters gathered for the first time here:

 

That’s him in the circle at the top. Imagine how shocked he was when he saw this. First the burning skeletons. The one on the left staring blankly ahead is Walt Disney while the one at the head of the table is Bob Hope. Notice how Bob is enjoying himself while Walty is a bit verklempt, probably because he wants to eat the Brian Wood Pie sitting on the table but can’t. Yes, that is a pie made from our long lost disappeared Brian Wood. You know how they say if you go woke you go broke. Well, if you don’t go woke you get smoked, as in they put you in a BBQ smoker for a few days before deciding what to do with you. Most get turned into sausages but some get pastries or pasta; Wood became a pie. Finally, the burning skeleton waaay in the back is Jack Kirby, poor guy, even in eternity he’s still not getting his proper payback.

 

Look at all those Marvel Execs in the background hobknobbing with each other while they drink Beelzebub’s Brew. That’s where they get the gumption and inspiration to ruin all of your favorite comic book series. Right now they’re discussing how to totally destroy the Daredevil brand. They probably met again about a month or so ago because it’s already happened in Issue #6; a complete Double D Disaster of an issue. That gruesome red skull spider blob thing is actually Stan Lee, can you believe it? All he wanted was to make great comic books for the world and this is what they did to him. I heard that if you put your ear to that gaping mouth of his you’ll hear the squeaky refrain of ‘Make Mine Marvel’. Will somebody please save his eternal Spidey Soul!!!

 

Lastly there’s Jamie Lee Curtis in the bottom left corner asking around for another kid in a suitcase to take home with her, what a total witch. The dialogue you see in the black word bubbles isn’t dialogue at all. It’s everyone repeating the same phrase in Aramaic ‘5.99 a book. 5.99 a book’ over and over because that’s what they want to charge by the end of 2023, $5.99 for each and every comic on the stands. Oh and look at the back of the chair at the bottom of the page, there’s Frankie F’s Effin Insignia Brand, what the fookity fook??? Anyway, let’s move on, it gets worse for Scott:

 

So the dude with the glasses, beard and red skull on his head with the pot belly is George Lucas. All the skeletons you see underneath him were random writers in Hollywood who were given the opportunity to suck on his belly ball sack. When you suck on that belly ball sack you get ideas for Star Wars Spinoffs; that’s where the idea from the Mandolorian came from. Unfortunately, his belly ball sack is so rancid and toxic that if you take too much of a sip you incinerate into flames; hence the mound of skeletons. One of my old writing partners is probably on that hill of death. The two old dudes are Bob Iger and Joe Biden talking about how to make a villain out of a Gas Stove. All those gross Purple Things are DC Executives, yeah, they’re not that high up on the Luciferian Ladder. They’re kinda like the Arby’s in a world of McDonalds. Next…

 

So in this panel we see George Lucas ordering for the sacrifice of Greg Capullo. This is how it works, in order to advance up the ranks of Marvel now you have to let someone close to you who’s a real amazing creative being get eaten by George which in turn makes his belly ball sack of ideas grow. I’m not sure why Scott Snyder had to include another panel of Walt Disney whining about not being able to eat any of the Brian Wood pie, maybe he and Brian were friends. Oh, and there’s Jamie Lee toasting the Marvel Execs since they just promised her a dozen kids in a dozen suitcases that will be delivered to her Comet Pictures office. That’s Meryl Streep on the outside looking in, if you listen closely you can hear her say ‘Kids in suitcases? Yum?’

 

So Greg is about to eaten by the living wall made up of all the great Marvel comics that were cancelled. I’m pretty sure Frank Miller lives in that wall, yeesh, what a gruesome old demonic fucktwit he’s become. So Scott is telling us how he wouldn’t let Greg be sacrificed to George’s belly ball sack and as he freed him when he looked back he saw this:

 

Which were all the DC Executives running after him to grind him into pie paste. I’m pretty sure that while all this was happening DC was finishing up the final issues for Synder’s initial Batman run which is why the books were so abruptly completed.

Wow. What a story. Thank you Scott for your courage. I’m not sure if you had to sign an NDA and vow to release nothing but complete and utter drivel for the rest of your career but at least you and Greg are safe.

 

Night of the Ghoul: A True Hollywood Comic Book Tale.

 

I’ll be starting a GoFundMe to retrieve the remains of Brian Wood in the near future, stay tuned.

 

Rating: All Heil George

Verdict: No Brian Wood Pie for Me.

A VICIOUS CIRCLE #1 - Review

I’ve been in Santa Fe this whole week so it’s been hard to concentrate on anything except the absolutely ridiculous sunsets, picturesque purple mountains, clean air and genuine smiles. As a Jersey Boy and long time Angeleno I still don’t trust a genuine smile. I’m always thinking ‘yeah yeah what the fuck do you want, what’s your angle? Where’s the knife you backstabbing...’ then saying ‘so great to meet you, let’s go on a hike sometime soon, blessings [heart hands]’. I did bring my comic stash but it’s hard to look at art on a page where there’s art every time you look at the sky. So I needed a powerhouse to grab my attention. I needed something that could match the Wow of the World with the Wow of its Comic Book Goody Googamoogah Goodness. So I picked up Vicious Circle and it did not disappoint.

Lee Bermejo is not of this world. Maybe he emerged from one of these mountains as an Alien Native American Spirit from an alternative dimension and decided to try the Human thing. His art is bonkers amazing. The opening arc of the book almost feels like you’re watching a film and his subsequent alternative timeline styles are all also eye-poppingly beautiful. Before I continue to wax comicbooky about Mr Bermejo I have to admit that this is the first book I’ve seen of his since the Batman Wangdoodle series. The ‘Batman…Dayummm’ series. I mean, it’s the Elephallus in the room right? Did we all just sink that down our memory hole? I’m personally dying to know what that convo in the room was like, who started it?

DC: Did you draw Batman’s dick?

Lee: You told me too.

DC: We said we wanted a provocative artistic style.

Lee: Bat Cock not provocative enough for you?

DC: - - -

Lee: I can shade it in more.

DC: - - -

Lee; Or take it out -

DC: Nooo, nooo, leave it leave it leave it. Penny get legal on the line.

I remember that the Bat Dong issue was going for like 75 bux on eBay or something and one of my Comic Book Shop guys said I should sell mine. I remember thinking ‘Isn’t that like, selling porn online? I mean, who’s paying 75 beans for Bruce’s Skin Moose? And do I really want to communicate with them? What do I do with that money? Like, okay, here’s 75 bones for your foray into Cinemax Comic Book smut land. Am I just waiting and hoping to flip that into Hulk’s Puny Peen if it ever comes out? I mean Disney puts in subliminal schlongs all over their movies, was this going to be a thing going forward? Does Spidey have a stiffy in this panel? Yeah, I just bagged and boarded the filthy rag and stuffed it away somewhere.

Anyway back to Beautiful Comic Book Land. The Premise? Two dudes are fighting each other across timelines over activating some death robot machine thingy which we haven’t seen yet. When somebody dies they pop out into another timeline. At least that’s what I’m getting from it. As far as I can tell, I hope they pop into dozens of different timelines because it looks like each timeline gets a different spectacular artistic style from Lee Buymybatdongejo. The writer, Mattson Tomlin, has been involved in some really prestigious projects over the years and is scheduled to co-write the sequel to the recent ‘The Batman’ movie, so he’s definitely in the Hot Hollywood zone. And this is on Boom! Comics?

Does it feel like Boom! is a little out of its league here? Like they stole a Black Label project away from DC or they’ve recently infused their coffers with a cartel sized Walter White dump of cash to pay up for the Monsters of the Industry to work for them? I rarely get a Boom Boom Book. I just picked up their recent ‘Once Upon a Time When We Wrote Another Fucking Apocalypse Story’ which was okay. Here’s a link to all their series:

Boom! Comic Book Series 

How many of them have you pulled? I snagged the ‘Faithless’ first arc until it got way too disgusting, evil and weird. I nabbed their first ‘Abbott’ arc which was, mnyeh. Their ‘Laila Starr’ series was one of the best series of 2021 so they nailed that one but, I’m scrolling, I’m scrolling, yeah not so much on any of these. So this one is only the 4th one out of 128 series on that page that I have. That’s a low ass batting average, but they did hit a homer with Laila and this clearly is a moon shot so maybe they’re angling to get themselves into the Image type publisher convo for 2023.

I will say I have one gripe about this book. It has nothing to do with the story, art, lettering or base concept. I have a little issue with the name of their antagonist: Ferris. Really? You named your baddie Ferris? You couldn’t come up with anything else? Not Dracon or Klaw or Adolph or Bob Iger, but Ferris? I think Ferris has been retired from all literary works and from entertainment in general. I mean, now I’m just waiting for the timeline where Ferris is on a parade float singing ‘Twist and Shout’ while wielding an Alien Bazooka. Will they pop into Wrigley field where the hero, Shawn Thacker is running through the bleachers with his laser gun while Ferris yells back at him ‘Swing Batter Batter Swing Batter Swing Batter?’ Is Bermybatballzejo gonna draw us a hot Sloan type babe? Oh pretty please? 

Hey admit it, as you watched every episode of the great TV show Succession, aren’t you waiting for Connor Roy to to do this to his dad Logan?

Well, Boom is biting DC’s Black Label modus operandi and has this book down for a 3 issue series. Is there a reason why expensive AF prestige books can’t go for 12? Or be an ongoing series? Why only 3? I’m going to have to get into this pricing insanity over comics at some point. At any rate, Vicious Circle is a vicious line drive over the center field wall. Grab it now and inhale the pages unless you’re being distracted by a purple mountain majesty sunset right in front of you, or if you’re surfing down Santa Monica Blvd on jet skis.

Rating: 9.1

Verdict: Pull

GROO: GODS AGAINST GROO #1 - Review

Where my Groo heads at? You down with the Grizzooo? How can you not be? I’ve been down with the Gee Arr double Ohhh since Epic Comics ’n shit. Since like Mad Magazine side bars n’ shit. I’m on eBay at 4am doing Pacific Comics Groo bids for some shady ass seller in Sarajevo. I probably have more Groo stuff than I have Spidey stuff. Honestly when was the last time any Spiderman stuff was beyond great? 1967? Groo gets the job done all day every day like good toilet paper that doesn’t leave little rolled up balls of paper up your bunghole. The way I see it Groo needs a whole lotta more love in the comic book universe. He’s currently with Dark Horse which is an imprint that has been crapping the bed and the page lately. They give Aragones & Co these 4 issue mini series about 2-3 times a year which is okay but I think they’re underselling him. 

If you ask me, Groo needs a new agent. Some total ruddy faced dickwad in an Armani suit who does blow every hour on the hour and goes to private parties in the hills to worship Moloch. Let’s call him Max. I bet Max could get the Groo brand placed everywhere. I wanna see Max send some goombahs named Moose and Rocco to the hipster snowflake Dark Horse offices in Portland where they pummel the legal department to release the Groo license while forcing them to drink coffee with dairy milk and cane sugar. Before they leave, Moose and Rocco makes the editorial staff cry while they eat beef burgers in front of them and wave an American flag. 

Once Max gets the Groo license he calls in Sergio and he starts pitching him on the new Groo-pocalypse.

Max: Serge, bubbeleh, come in come in, sit the fuck down. Wow, we’re gonna have to change this ‘Mexican Zoo Tourist Guide’ look you got going on. That doesn’t leave the room; fucking sensitive pussies out there.

Sergio: I like the view.

Max: This? Whatever, I’ve been asking for a window that opens out so I can take a fucking dump without having to go to the shitter. Anyway. Groo. I’m gonna have the kids, gen double x why the fuck z, the gamers, the influencers saying Groo so much it’s gonna be the hashtag of 2023. 

Sergio: I do not smoke hash.

Max: Yeah, me neither, gives me the yips and my shit turns blue. I’ve got the socials team already making Groo Memes and -

Sergio: What’s a meme?

Max: Fuck if I know. Pansy Gen Z bullshit. I’m getting Groo every-fucking-where. Groo-Gram. Groo on the View. Groo on Law & Order, which isn’t much, they’d cast your Zoo Tucchus on Law & Order but whatever. Groo on the Masked Singer -

Sergio: He is a mendicant and does not sing.

Max: Yeah neither do any of those washed up celebrities either. I want him on there to meet Ken Jeong who basically owns half of Hollywood now. I’m also getting Groo in that Lord of The Rings Snoozefest on Prime -

Sergio: I’m not sure he -

Max: Yeah, not a good fit but, look, if I get him a co-star I have an excuse to fly to set and hit on that hot Blonde chick. I want her to ride me like a heroic horse following a hobbit into a volcano. 

Sergio: I have some ideas for new story -

Max: Yeah don’t worry bout that, my crack team of writers, well, they don’t do really crack, they’re more of a ‘shroom type of crowd, yeah they’re on the feature. I got Michelle Pfeiffer as some Queen Warrior in it. Can’t believe I haven’t banged her after all these years, that’s a bad job outta me. And oh yeah, Chuck Norris is gonna be the dog.

Sergio: Rufferto?

Max: Yeah, but like Gollum stuff where it’s all CGI Green screen whatever the fuck. 

Sergio: What about comics?

Max: Yeah I had Sandler interested but I think he’s trying to be some Ted Talk asshole now. Chapelle won’t do it cuz of optics. I mean your Africans look like Africans which, what the fuck do I know, is probably racist. I could probably get Bill Burr on as that Minstrel dude, he’ll take anything.

Sergio: No I mean comic books.

Max: What about them? 

Sergio: I write them.

Max: You want me to get you in at Marvel? No can do pal. Disney’s got that whole creative team wrapped around their cock so hard we call them the Pubes. You literally have to lick the frozen prostate of Walt Disney to even get a meeting over there and I heard it tastes like moldy Haggis so no dice. 

Best I can do is get the Grooster in a drag show for kindergartners that they do every Saturday in Burbank. Maybe if he wears a full leather body suit with his junk hanging out for a month or two they’ll take a meeting.

Sergio: Groo does not like junk he likes cheese dip.

Max: Cheese Dip huh? That’s what I called this broad I was dating from Torrance. Her poon smelt like rotten Jarlsberg cheese. She thought me dry heaving when I went down on her was me being turned on for some fucking reason.

Sergio: I have idea for -

Max: Why are you still here? [presses intercom] Annie? Get Zoo Tamale here a shave and a haircut and then send him to Zhushzy for a new wardrobe, thanks.

Okay, well, maybe he won’t be a complete obnoxious asshole but you get the idea. We need more Groo! Seriously, I’m not sure why there hasn’t been a Groo movie or a Saturday morning Groo TV Series yet. Why is there little to no Groo merch out there? This character is built for all kinds of stuff to buy that you don’t need: 

Groo Nose Slippers. Groo Cheese Dip Fondue Set. Groo Beer Coozys. Groo Drawers where you an put your stuff in the nose pouch!

I hope somebody doesn’t realize this 50 years from now when the Great Sergio may have already left us. All Groo tales will guarantee you a few actual laugh out louds. They will deliver a message and some hidden wisdom and will provide you enough cartooning detail in full page layouts than you can shake a lute at. So what gives? Give this legend some luuvvvv.

The current installment is pure Groo Formulaic Yumminess. Yes, it's the third arc of the series but you can easily jump on right now and not really miss a beat. Just because it's formulaic shouldn't dissuade anyone at all. I mean, you go to the same family run taco place over and over because their tacos never disappoint. You use the same dating profile over and over because the psychos it pulls never disappoints. Feels like comics in general are really intense and apocalyptic these days. Nothing wrong or silly for pulling out a Groo mid-week and taking a break from the 'world hangs in the balance' narrative.

While I was watching the circus that was our congress last week I couldn't help thinking 'We should just tell Groo that there's a fray in the House of Representatives and just let him loose'. A Groo-surrection may be what this country ultimately needs...and an organic cheese dip brand. 

Rating: 8.8

Verdict: Pull

BATMAN SPAWN - Review

 

Oy vey. What a mess. Eight bucks down the drain. Well, at least the cover was beautiful. I got the fancy acetate Jorge Jiminix one that you see above. It looked nice in my comic book rack for a week before I opened it up. Hey, sometimes comics are nothing but adornments or pretty trinkets. Kinda like a chunk of the women here in LA. They look beyond wow on the outside but then you open them up and it feels like you’re looking at an M.C. Escher painting drawn by a five year old. Before you know it you’re peeking around the corner of the gluten free/soups aisle in Whole Foods because you both shop there and that’s where you made your patented Cookie Monster Voice pick-up line ‘I like these gluten free cookies cuz gluten free cookies are for me’ moment that made her laugh and surrender her Insta. Pick-up lines at the produce section are for rookies. If I’m feeling super confident I’ll flex at the Hummus refrigerator like I’m Ryan Gosling in Crazy Stupid Love when he’s showing his ripped six pack to Emma ‘This sprouted Hummus will unlock your pineal gland’ hubba hubba hummus wink wink.

First things first, Greg Capullo is an Art Beast and his lines are just made for Batman. This book looked amazing, what a waste that he was teamed up with someone who forgot how to write a comic book. Maybe Todd should have made a Capullo line of McFarlane Batman Toys instead of writing like a teenager in his Freshman creative writing class. Once again a Publisher is taking something that was the greatest thing ever and putting a stinky cheese smear on it. By that I mean the ‘Court of Owls’ story line which was without question the greatest Batman storyline of the past 15 years. I relished every page of that run and when I realized they were dipping back into that plot well with this ‘One Shot to your Batman Heart’ book I immediately furrowed my brow and thought ‘oh man, they’re gonna poo on my happy memory aren’t they’, and poo they did.

I have never bought a Spawn book; never appealed to me. I don’t know much about him other than him being in Hell looking for his wife’s soul. That’s not really a big deal for me. People are looking for their partners souls all over Los Angeles all the time and they’re not doing it in Mexican Wrestler outfits with long windy capes; well some do, especially at Venice beach on the weekends. It’s not that hard to find someone’s soul either, we have a ‘Soul Tracker’ app out here. It’s kinda like Waze except you put in your significant other’s soul and the app tells you how to get past the security guards at Disney on each particular day. Maybe this Spawn guy needs to do what everyone else in LA does when they lose someone they love and go to Topanga Canyon to find some hippie pyschic medium so he could talk to her. Cmon Spawnie, stop traipsing around Hell and busting into Bob Iger’s sex dungeon, you wanna chat with wifey we got plenty of options here. If that doesn’t work just track down Jay-Z and ask him, he can probably point you in the right direction after he rips off a few mediocre bars of rhymes. Just go ‘That was dope’ and nod your head and you’ll be on your way.

There are so many WTF moments in this book it’s going to be hard to list all of them. First, there’s so many cheesy word pops in the lettering that give such an amateurish feel to the story. The night we turned into MONSTERS. Everything is colored in the crimson color of BLOOD. Which allows Batman to finally FIGHT BACK. You just might KILL THEM. Yeesh. Where’s the Biff Pow Splat of the Batman 66 TV Show. I’m just so DISAPPOINTED. This is the second comic in a row that I’ve read that has SUCKED. Leave my Court of Owls storyline ALONE. Did this really cost as much a Wonder Woman Historia? What a RIP OFF. 

The whole Joker scene with his strapped on skin face was totally useless and unnecessary other than giving Capullo free reign to draw his ass off. I don’t know what these dwarfish blue teethy things were at the end of his scene but I’d like to send them to McFarland Toys to gnaw on the staff’s scrotums. At least the Joker wasn’t getting pregnant and puking up his kid like he did in the book that just came out ’The Man Who Stopped Laughing’. Apparently Zatanna cast a spell that caused Jokes to create a kid in his parasite ridden acid bath of a stomach. I’d stop laughing too if some ex-voodoo chick who I sexted on Tinder got me to puke up a Tahini baby. So lemme get this straight you manifested a child in a dude’s stomach? I don’t see the Joker having the best diet in the world to allow for a kid to incubate in his belly cavern of death. I bet he subsists off of cheap Top Ramen and Twizzlers. Yes I said Twizzlers not Red Vines you West Coast psychopaths!!! Red vines taste like fucking CHALK! Chalk I say! A Twizzler is pure strawberry goodness you candy losers! 

Anyway, the Court of Owls doesn’t feel as menacing this time around and neither does the Owl Dude. They just look like a bunch of managers at Target who happen to be in suits and have some owl masks on hand. I wouldn’t be surprised if you’ll see Owl Masks on sale in the ‘Home Decor’ section of Target in a few weeks; made by McFarland Toys of course, $49.99 each. There’s a panel where Owl Dude is leaning against the wall and his tush is sticking out and, I dunno, it just made him feel more like a Halloween Costume loser than a guy who could rip your throat out; serious impostor vibes. I can’t really say how the story wrapped up, the ending was a bit muddled and I didn’t really follow the climax. I probably just gave up and looked at the rest of the pretty pictures until I could toss this over my shoulder. The Owl shmucks were all 'We made you we can kill you we'll send you to hell' That's what the people that make those Pop toys yell at each toy they make before they send it to market to be purchased by hobbyists who hate themselves with every purchase they make.

Todd, look, stick to the overpriced toys and leave my Owls alone. Spawn? Here let me help you, I just checked the Soul Tracker app. The guy at the main gate today, Friday, at Disney is named Manny. He likes plant based sausages and those Indian Papadum chips that you can get at Trader Joes. Just hand him those and whisper the words ‘Beelzebub's Balls taste like Molasses’ and he’ll let you in. You’ll probably find your wife in the Animation Department where they’re working on Snow White Privilege the sequel to Snow White. You’re welcome.

Rating: 6.0

Verdict: Well it’s a one shot so I can’t drop it from my pull, so I’m fucked.

ART BRUT #1 - Review

The first comic of 2023! Which one should I pick? Sooo many to choose from. It has to be spot on. Thematically appropriate; a killer out the gate. Hmm, how about this one, Art Brut? The cover is splashy, colorful and artistic, a reflection of what I want this year to be for me; a year of great Art! And Brut? Hmm, maybe it’s not Brute maybe they mean Brut, like Brut by Faberge the Cologne. Maybe this is the year I get my own babe in my very own classic Brut by Faberge Commercial...

My Brut commercial would be different though, instead of putting on a shirt, a hat and tie my girl will be getting naked and putting on a New York Knicks hoodie, fuzzy Batman pants and my Ra Optics nighttime blue blocking glasses. When I call she’ll be picking up some  poop from by dog in the yard. She’ll answer with a sexy ‘What the hell do you want, your dog is driving me nuts’ voice. Fire.

Oh look Prince is on the cover as some contributor! This is the perfect comic to begin the year, let’s do it. Well, once I opened up this comic it was like turds flew out from the pages and exploded all over my face. My face and chair looked like Jackson Pollack just frenetically splattered it with fecal paint. What the hell is this nightmare??? Nooo.

The Premise? Somebody is stealing/ruining art and killing people as well with their signature being the removal or alteration of their left eye. Okay, so is this some occult thing? Are the creators saying this is an occult thing or are they making a nod to their occult friends? Hard to say. I woud like to think the elite families of the world don’t need to put their stink on comic books as well but then you look at Marvel… Anyway, so some Detective Chick who's got a big ass Jody Whatley forehead goes to recruit some lunatic art dude from an insane asylum to help her track down the killer(s). 

Now right off the bat I'm annoyed because when she gets to the Loony Bin the nurse is running down the list of things the Lunatic is taking for his condition and gets to the fact that he’s taking homeopathic supplements which are doing nothing for him. Oh great another dipshit idiot denigrating alternative medicines. Dipshit writer idiot lists turmeric, oil of oregano and milk thistle as the remedies. Oh really those are doing nothing??? Well. Provided that you have high quality organic supplements the turmeric is effectively battling his inflammation the oregano is killing all his respiratory bacteria and the milk thistle is helping his liver which by the looks of it this guy definitely needs it (glug glug puke). Maybe if he wasn’t taking this stuff he wouldn’t be alive for this shit show.

This guy’s magic super hero power is that he can jump through paintings and go on the ‘other side’ of the art world. When he does so he meets his life size talking wooden mannequin that helps him fight the baddies. And I’m sure they love to take Thomas the Tank Engine through this world and maybe they can call on Aslan from the Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe to help as well. Oh look, there’s Elmo dressed like Basquiat ready to tackle the evil art thieves! Oh look, there’s me looking like Curious George in a lacy get-up and sneakers and I’m cursing everyone out for dreaming up this nonsense. Don't worry, we all join hands and sing 'The Lollipop Guild' song from The Wizard of Oz to make things better.

The worst part is at the end when the baddies bust into the room of the Mona Lisa and start spraying everyone with bullets. Really? Like, security at the fucking Louvre is so lax they could just waltz in with zero body armor looking like they’re straight out of a Kajagoogoo video and go on a murder spree? Is Adam West’s Batman about to make an entrance? How about the Pelosi’s drunk arguing? Goofus Doofus just jumps through a painting. Neat trick. I’ve been working on jumping into a cup of coffee and rolling away down the street on my next nightmarish dating app date.

I did a little digging and this all makes sense now. So this is a reprint of a series from 5 years ago called ‘The Electric Sublime’. I like that title a whole lot better than Art Brut. The Electric Sublime actually sounds like the name of a Prince song from 1983. Why they renamed it is beyond me. It’s from the same creators that are doing the current series ‘Ice Cream Man’ which didn’t grab my attention enough to pick up. Apparently it’s super popular and due to its popularity Image went ahead and repackaged something that these guys did before they got popular. Yeah, that never really works does it? Resurrecting old work to cash in on somebody’s current popular work?

Yo, you like this? What about this? This happened before this but since you love this then this must be just as great, right? Haha. Get it! Woo hoo!. And you do and…it sucks. Great so I started my year with a rehash of a piece of trash. So what is that telling me and you?

It’s telling us, hey, at least you recognize this is trash. Toss it! Let’s toss and discard all the repackaged repurposed rebranded art they throw at us from now on. Let’s demand new spectacular original works and flow our monies only to these efforts. The more we settle for pigs being painted and called bright white ponies the more they’re going to poop them out for us.

In honor of this deep resolve I am not bagging and boarding this comic. I am ripping it into shreds and trashing it. I tried tossing it through my friends painting but it didn’t make it to another dimension. Hopefully the LA Sanitation Department will have better luck. 

Rating: 3.5

Verdict: Incinerate

My 'Best Comics of 2022' is a perfect antidote to this swill. You can find them here:

Best Comic Books of 2022