DAREDEVIL #14 - Review

 

You always want to check in on your ex after you have a break up. You don’t want to actually talk or text with them, you just want to peek around the corner and see how they’re doing now that you’re no longer together. Deep down you probably want to make sure they’re okay, but not too okay. You want to see that they’re a bit sad but not too sad. You don’t want to see them strung out and hookin’ on Hollywood Blvd after your break-up which would clearly be laid at your feet as your fault. Even if you countered and said ‘I always knew she had a bit of dat street ho in her’ it wouldn’t matter, you’d be the asshole.

 

You also don’t want to see her flying around in a private jet and sipping champagne with some Saudi Prince as they look at their pics from their recent vacay at Sardinia. No, that would suck. She would always talk about starting a fashion line while you were together, but I mean, you don’t want her clothes being modeled on the cat walk at Milan just months after you stopped seeing each other. You don’t want her raking in millions while you’re wondering if she’s ever going to pay you back for when you took care of her new transmission back in the day. I think the actual state of being you want your ex to be in is miserable, numb yet functional; at least for like 6 months.

 

As many of you who follow this word drop know, I broke up with Daredevil 6  months ago. I couldn’t take it anymore. My final DD headache was reviewed here (link to review). I had enough with this meandering gloop of a story on an island with second rate losers and a WTF Elektra/Daredevil marriage. Oy, the whining and the moaning of everyone in this comic got to be too much even for this seasoned pro on whining and carping. Of course, I couldn’t really stay away. I had to, you know, I had to make sure it still sucked. Like, I couldn’t just let it take off and turn into a Bendis-Maleev type run! I couldn’t have Zdarsky flying around on Kendall Jenner’s jet eating sushi off her navel while sales of this fecuchte book went through the roof! Suffer Zdarsky! Suffer you reductive ninny! You’ve ruined two of my favorite comics! Bats and DD! What’s next??? Oh no you don’t, don’t you even think of driving over to the valley and having lunch with BKV to talk about writing a few ‘special issues’ during Saga’s inevitable break that must be coming like, tomorrow. STAY AWAY FROM BRIAN AND FIONA CHIP!

 

So, you know, I had to, you know, rifle through some Double D pages when I hit my LCS to grab my books. Yeah, I know, it was quite creepy. I’d show up in a trench coat, cheap sunglasses, a visor (a fedora was way too hot) and some latex gloves. I realize now it was a silly get up since my dog was still with me and I go everywhere with her; clearly it was me. 

 

There I was in the back of the shop, like a pervert in an Adult Video Palace in Times Square in the 80s, glancing left and right to make sure nobody saw me as I snatched a copy of the latest Daredevil and rifled through it’s grimy pages. I might as well have been looking at some smut, like the Tucchus Escapades of some Anal Queen, but no, I was reading Zdarsky porn. I grunted and wheezed, spit bubbles formed and popped in front of my face:

 

‘What the fuck is Daredevil doing, he’s going to hell? He’s got to go hell? Wait, Elektra killed him? Where’s the fucking? She would obviously fuck him and then kill him! Chip, you’re ruining Elektra! She’s not the Bride in Kill Bill, Chip!!!’

 

Slowly, slowly the issues got better until there he was, Daredevil in that White Suit, marching into hell to save his friends. It was pretty good. It wasn’t mind blowingly amazing as some made it out to be. It wasn’t a Saudi Prince on a Jet with an International Fashion Line good. It was a Douchebag with a weed habit from Calabasas in an Uber Black with a trending Insta page good.

 

As I wiped the froth from my mouth with the back of my hand and stuffed Issue #13 back into the comic book rack after it defiled my eyes and soiled my comic book life, I got to thinking:

 

Hey, wait a minute, this is just like Scott Snyder in ‘Night of the Ghoul’ where that story was an allegory for his discovery on how the industry really worked while writing for Batman. This comic isn’t supposed to be taken literally! This is an allegory for what Chip has had to endure in order to free himself from the clutches of Marvisney! It makes so much sense now. Clearly the Beast is just a representation of the deep dark evil that everyone who works at Marvisney prays to on a daily basis. Look at this fucking thing:

 

That’s who’s commanding the human dillweeds in Burbank to pump out more Star Wars junk and to run the MCU into the ground until it’s a pile of steaming dung.

 

So when Daredevil was traveling into hell to free his friends that was Chip! He somehow escaped from the dungeons under Disney Land and found his way to catacombs under Iger’s house where his original creative team was! Him rescuing them and filming the entire episode was the blackmail material that he used to stop this book from being written by AI Chip! It all makes sooo much sense!

 

You wanna know how I know that the real Chip is back on this book. Look at Foggy, look at how he’s drawn in this issue:

 

Who does that actually look like to you? It’s Ron DeSantis! Tell me that isn’t a spitting image of Ron DeSancti-fuckin-monious! With red hair! Totally RDS! That’s a classic Zdarksy 'Sex Criminals' move. This is him telling Marco to draw Foggy this way so that those who know the truth can see his victory. DeSchmuckis is symbolic of the fight he had to take to the heart of Disney since DeSchmuckis is also fighting Disney. Chip probably knew that Satan would absolutely haaaaate this, which is why he made Marco draw it.

 

This issue wasn’t spectacular, but it had soul. You could feel it. Soul, it’s what has been intentionally scrapped from all of Marvisney’s comics, yet Zdarsky somehow put on his Hero Boxer Briefs and scored a victory over the real beast of the Entertainment Industry. There was a whole lotta love poured into the final issue of this DD Zdarsky run. It’s heartwarming to see that he finally got to finish this the way he would have wanted the whole series to go. Beyond the Mega Event, beyond the Island with Loser Characters and Garbage Plot Points, beyond the clutches of true evil.

 

Clearly, Warner Bros. is still using Chip AI to write the Batman comic. Maybe that’s where he’s going next. Maybe he’s picking Matt Fraction up in the Dumb & Dumber 'Shaggin Wagon'!

 

Together they’re gonna stop time in the DC Offices and poop on everybody’s desk before smashing the main frame that generates the Chip AI. Maybe they’ll turn on an enormous Spooge Generator while time is stopped in the DC offices and when time starts up again everyone working on the Bat Books will get a facial; aww man, classic Chip & Matt.

 

I’m sure the new creative team for this title is already undergoing electric shock therapy and sleep deprivation that’s being given to them by a naked and manic Bob Iger in his bunker in the Mojave Desert. Maybe he’ll let them pump out a good issue or two before he turns on the AI for them. Whatever he does, let him, we know that Chip got the best of that son of a bitch and that’s all that matters.

 

So I am getting back together with Daredevil? Nah. I mean, we knocked boots, fo sho, a little ex comic sex, no doubt. But it’s still being run by a bunch of soulless psychopaths. I’ll take the next first issue out to dinner, make nice nice with it. My goodness, the next #1 issue of this series is 7 fucking dollars! Well, you know what they say, make-up sex is always gonna cost you.

Rating: 8.4

Verdict: Zdarsky triumphs over Evil

MIRACLEMAN: THE SILVER AGE #5 - Review

 

"In case of Reading a Bunch of Crappy Comic Books: Break Glass”. That’s what should read on the outside of a case that houses this MiracleMan comic but no glass case exists. I’ve had this issue facing out at the top of my comic book rack for a while for just said occasion. Like a true miraculous deified Hero it was waiting for the moment when it was needed most, when the comic offerings sitting underneath it or behind it proved to be so unbearably maddening that I needed the guarantee of its Gaiman Glory.

 

The completion of Miracleman, one of the greatest stories in the history of comics and modern literature, yes I said it, eff Harry Pooper, got off to a rocky start at best. I was crestfallen, ooh I love when I get to use that word properly, yes I was crestfallen. There was such a great anticipation for this book and then it was smeared with a cheap questionably pedo smooch that came out of nowhere. Thankfully, Gaiman switched gears and got things back on track last issue and reminded us why he’s a titan of the industry.

 

So needless to say I was psyched to peel this open until it hit me that, wait, this is Marvisney, this is what they do. They get you excited then ball up their fist in a Mickey Mouse glove and thwack you in your nizzuts. Everything they touch lately has turned to poop. Was Gaiman invincible? Whose idea was this Dicky Dauntless Miracle smooch anyway? Gaiman’s? Igers? Satan? The real witches that the Hocus Pocus movies are based on who prepare the food in the Marvisney employee cafeteria? Oh fer goodness sake Marvisney, clench those cheeks and save your culture dung for something else!

 

Well, turns out this issue was fine, but, I mean, nothing really happened here. Purple Hair chick takes Dicky Dick on her flying cycle with her ex to London to go looking for the records of when he was a kid. Umm, that’s pretty much except for a final reveal/reaction by Dicky which I won’t spoil for you here. After that Neil pops in another retro comic stylized story like he did in the previous where Double M is gazing in a looking glass and watches this old timey story unfold. Admittedly, this back-up story was fantastic. He’s got every nuance and the vernacular of these comics from the Golden Age down to a tee. It feels like you’re reading one of those facsimile issues that they’ve been putting out recently (which I absolutely love). 

And then, well, that’s it. Feels like Neil forgot he was on a deadline with Marvisney and just cobbled this script together for the amazing talents that are Bellaire and Buckingham. Or maybe Neil’s taking the Mouse on! Maybe he was told to go one way with the story and this is him telling Beelzebub to take the piss. Oh, you want me to do all that? These are your notes? How about I drop an issue where nothing really happens, for shits and giggles. Whose stock dipped under 90? Mine or yours? Go Neil Go! I can see Marvisney suits in their office in a conference call to Neil in the UK just gushing over how amazing he is and how delighted they are with the direction that the book is going on. Of course once they hang up on him they all drop to their hind legs and start growling and gnashing their teeth “How are we going to extract his consciousness and hook it up to our AI Mainframe while we render his body lifeless so we can have our way with it every Halloween like we do with the rest of our writing staff?"

 

At any rate, it was a relatively quick read, an interlude/bridge for what’s to come, no major fireworks, no pedo smooches although Purple Hair Chick is probably on fire for the Dicky but so far she hasn’t ravished him…yet. Hmm, well, that just freed up a bunch of time since this comic was so succinct and inconsequential, I feel less than satisfied. I guess I can get myself to one of the actor picket lines. Let me see, when are they picketing Disney and where? Burbank, hmm. Wait, how hot is it out? 87??? That means 142 in Burbank in the shade. Let me check the traffic and see how long it’s taking to get from West Adams, which is near USC, to Burbank right now. Hmm, only 4 hours and 17 minutes, that’s not too bad. I wonder if I plaster the recent Hulk #1 on a picket sign do you think people will look at me funny? Probably. I do have my ‘Stream This’ sign which is a picture of pee going in a urinal. Hmm, yeah probably shouldn’t take that either, I can see being called transphobic over it. I mean, I can’t make the connection but I’m sure some unhinged actor who hasn’t booked a job since Clinton was in office will probably lose it on me.

 

Yeah, I think fearing for my life outweighs my need to yell epithets at Disney from their Gates of Hell. I’ll just do what I’ve been doing for the past several months during the Writer’s strike: I meditate and send good vibes to the writer. Next, after I’m done going ohmmm, I open up my Uber app and an ‘Uber Package’ to pick up a couple poopy bags filled with the excrement of my Little Princess and have them delivered it to one of the major streamers. I’ve been doing that for months. The Uber Drivers don’t care, they’re used to driving complete utter pieces of poop around LA so this is probably an upgrade for them, at least these pieces of poop don’t talk.

 

I mean, really, with gas prices so high and traffic worse than ever they need to set up Zoom Picket lines so we can just hop on a Zoom Strike Line when we have the time. I mean, do you think mega-billion dollar earning studios are quaking in their boots when they see dozens of out of work actors from the valley show up outside their gates? You wanna hit them hard? Hack their conference calls and insert a Zoom Strike Feed into their conference rooms. Central Casting needs to sic all of their extras on their favorite dining spots: Mr. Chow’s, Craig’s, Spartina, the altar for children underneath the Getty Center. If they’re threatening to keep this going to the point where actors lose their homes then we need to pull a Los Angeles 2023 and start erecting tents around their homes in the hills and in Bel Air. C’mon people! Think outside the box!

 

Anyway, this was okay, now I have to clean up the glass all around my comic book rack that I broke to get to this.

 

Rating: 7.5

Verdict: Pull 

THE INCREDIBLE HULK #1 (782) - Review

 

 

What was the first comic book you bought on your own with your own money? Do you remember? I do. I don’t mean when you were with your parents and you asked them for money or asked them to buy something for you. I mean when you had an actual dollar (or maybe just 50 cents) in your pocket and were with some of your friends or even by yourself. You were staring at that spinning comic rack trying to decide which comic to choose, all those covers beckoning and overwhelming you with their colorful capes and tights. I remember that moment very distinctly. I was up visiting my cousins in Montreal and one day we all walked to a comic shop nearby on our own. I was a tiny runt of a kid with a bowl haircut and big eyes and was thrilled to tag along. They were huge Richie Rich fans and might have had every single Richie Rich or derivative title that had ever been published with the character. When we got to the shop they went straight for those but I had other ideas. At first I thought Batman but then I saw this cover that just stood out from all the rest. I’m not sure why but I had to have it, didn’t even flip through the pages, rushed to the cashier and tinkled out some change on the counter; I had just bought my first comic book. It was this:

 

 

Since that day I became a bonafide Hulk fanatic. Made sense. The idea of a nerdy smart guy who was bullied and picked on by macho army people could just turn into a green ball of fists and fury spoke to kids like me who had to look up at everyone in the world:

 

‘Yeah, mess with me and maybe I’ll turn into a whirling dervish of slaps, kicks and rippling earth fist pounds’. 

 

The Incredible Hulk became the real start of my comic book collection. It was the first comic I ever subscribed to. It was the comic title I looked for the moment I walked into a comic shop with back issues. I loved it. I would say that all the issues in the 70s and 80s were pure gold. The basic storylines were: The Hulk is misunderstood. Humans always react with anger and guns. Now you’re in trouble because you messed with the Jade Giant. The Hulk just wants to be left alone. What’s not to love? The Hulk was different than other Marvel heroes in that he didn’t want to be a hero in his own title, he just wanted peace and quiet and could leap from zip code to zip code in order to find it.

 

Nuff said? Look, I own over 400 issues of the Hulk. I should own more but I’ve not been inclined to pick up any of the issues of the past decade or so. I’m always reading every single ‘First Issue’ that Marvisney poops out when they start with a new premise or new creative team. The recent reboots were mnyeh for me. I was there for the ‘Immortal Hulk’ horror type run which everyone seemed to love, not me. It felt like an abysmal distortion of the Hulk. I was there for the Cates run which started off quite decently then descended into gore and ridiculousness. And yes, I’m here for this one. I’d like to go on the record as saying that I want to love this book. I want to get excited for a new Hulk comic every month. I want to feel giddy every time I peel open an issue of the Hulk. Same goes for Bats or any of the Marvisney Properties that have gone to shit. I’m not looking to be upset. I want to be wowed.

 

Well, I’m not wowed.

 

Sigh. Deep exhale. Sigh.

 

Yeah, so, this new Hulk comic sucks like Hunter Biden’s nostrils being tased in front of a mound of coke. This is pure and utter Hulk trash. What. The Actual. Fuck. Could the Buscema Brothers storm the Marvisney Offices and Hulk Smash their way into extracting this property out of the demonic clutches of this corporate death cult?

 

We start off with what looks like a bunch of college kids raiding an archaeological tomb site for jewels in Iraq where a sound effect of a scrape and a poom gets them into a wide open area with an enormous realistic looking muscular idol with a frieze above him and a half dozen mummies underneath him. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that if this much amazingness was found and in clear view the Iraqi government would have armed guards stationed everywhere and there’d be no way for a bunch of Jinkies Scooby Doo kids to easily scrape poom their way in. Of course one of the kids looks at a skull and gets possessed as her eyes glow and her head twists 180 degrees. The idol comes to life and then eats a kid. This ain’t your Leader/Doc Samson/Jarella comic with the Hulk, this is the new trend of horrific gross nasty twisted gore that seems to have overtaken our culture. Oh, it gets worse.

 

First, Banner looks like he was drawn by Jeff Lemire. Look at him:

 

 

 

Is that not Lemire-esque or what? I wish Jeff Lemire was writing this. Is Fraction available? Too many anal beads up his bum for him to write? How about Ta-Nehisi Coates? Bendis? Anybody worth their salt wanna write for Marvisney again? Oy. So Banner is doing his ‘I’m roaming the earth to prevent people from interacting with the Hulk’ bit, okay, great. Love it. So after freaking out in a café and seeing people possessed he runs and then wakes up in a forest half-naked – with what looks like a half eaten dog near him. What. The Actual. Fuck. Are you implying The Hulk ate a fucking dog??? Should I pay the $39.95 to the online ‘Find this guy’ site so I can locate P.K. Johnson’s address and shove some kibble up his ass? Are you kidding me?

 

Next we get a couple of kids working on their Hillbilly Dad’s old beater car. For some reason that sets Hillbilly Dad off to the point where he has to drive after one of the kids and attempt to run them over…for working on his car? So, Daddy’s asleep, kids work on his car, he then gets in said car, which wouldn’t have worked had kids not worked on it and chases them down. Hillbilly Dad crashes the car, gets pummeled by the little kid like she’s George Foreman. Hillbilly Dad then gets possessed and eats – another dog or animal of some kind??? So that’s two animal meals, a couple of possessions and an Alien type chest burst.

 

Oh yeah, three random adults who are apparently affiliated with the FBI go into the forest to look for the Hulk and then one of them has a possessed dead skull animal burst out of his chest which then goes to chase down the Hulk. I think this dead skull animal is what gets eaten by the Hillbilly Dad and whatever possessed the animal now possesses the Hillbilly. Dude. C’mon. Like, seriously, do you need therapy? Are you not getting laid? This is all so fucking gross and disgusting, like, what was the pitch meeting like?

 

PKJ: So then an animal bursts out of the guy’s chest

 

Marvisney: Who eats the animal?

 

PKJ: Huh?

 

Marvisney: We’ve done our research and if you get two animal chow downs in an issue it boosts sales by 37%.

 

PKJ: Oh, cool, well maybe the –

 

Marvisney: The little girl! She eats the animal and turns into a pop star in leopard prints!

 

PKJ: Hmm, maybe the dad –

 

Marvisney: Then she comes to my house and makes me pasta in her underwear while –

 

PKJ: I’ll get the Dad to eat the animal thingy, I’m on it.

 

 

I think the worst part of the entire book, which is saying something, is when Banner transforms into the Hulk. It’s so grotesque and goofy. Look at one of the panels:

 

It’s like straight out of the Simpsons right? Then the Hulk says ‘This body’s mine’. Yuck. That line just rankled me to the core. It’s demonic, as if the Hulk is reveling over the fact that he can take Banner over which has never been what the Hulk is and should be about. I’m seriously about to hurl at this point. What an absolute crock of shite. I suppose this entire dung pile of pages is justified by the Author’s letter at the end of the comic when he goes on to say:

 

This story you’re about to read – sees Hulk walking through our world, unearthing ancient terrors and mysteries to which most of us are blind. It’s rage, violence and all the dark, profane things that watch us from watery graves, condemned laboratories, potters fields and cosmic hellscapes.

 

Blecch. Seriously, if you want the Hulk to unearth ancient terrors and dark profane things to which most of us are blind why don’t you send him to the Marvisney Offices? I mean, it probably won’t get more gross and nasty than that. Here PKJ, lemme help you, just send him to Buena Vista Street in Burbank and have him start smashing any cars that have Disney Parking Passes hanging from their rearview. That’ll get the Minions running outside and then you can have him smash through the gates and have him smash down to the 13^th circle of Hell which lies underneath their main building. Do you know what the 13^th circle is? Look it up. Hulk would do wonders down there.

 

So how long do I have to wait now until this new Mega Yuck Monsters Event is over? A year? Another year for another Hulk reboot? Longer? I have a bunch of missing old school Hulk issues in the 110-130 range that I need to get to finish my collection, maybe I’ll just save up for them instead. Lots of comic geeks seem to have loved this issue. I can only say that makes me really sad that something like this is resonating with so many.

 

I reject the entire notion of the entertainment industry where it feels that if it makes something dark, gory, gritty, violent and ugly that it's somehow more realistic and edgy. That can work for some art, some projects, sure, but for the most part it's just  depravity for depravity's sake. We have become horrified by our world and broken down over and over by the horrors that we are slowly uncovering in our world. One could say that this book is a reflection of that; fair enough.  Yet ultimately this is a 'Hero Book', or anti-hero if you will. There is nothing heroic about the essence of this tale or the proclamation of our anti-hero of conquering the body of it's host to just destroy whatever comes into its path. The Hulk used to smash because of his desire to be left alone. He was provoked. He warned you. Then it was game on.

I saw a video recently of a guy who was talking about his son finally standing up to a bully. He said that he told his son that it is noble to defend oneself. His son took out the bully but as the bully's head was about to hit the ground he reached down and held his head back from cracking on the pavement. That is a hero. That kid deserves a cape. Somehow I feel this Hulk would just smash that bully into the ground - and then watch as the corpse of a lamb burst out of his chest.

I wanted this to be great. I wanted to buy a monthly Green Goliath book.

 

But this comic just made me really really angry.

 

And you wouldn’t it like it when I’m angry –

 

About the Hulk.

RATING: 2.2

VERDICT: Drop. Burn. Do not feed to an Animal.

AVENGERS WAR ACROSS TIME #5 - Review & Facsimile Request

 

Fun Fun Fun, that’s what ‘Avengers: War Across Time’ was. At some point the Big 2, DC & Marvel, lost the element of fun in their books. Everything became sooo serious or so commodified as they had to tie into something other than the book itself, a movie, a game, another book etc. I would say a bunch of DC Black Label books last year nailed the fun factor, especially Catwoman: Lonely City. My goodness that series was amazing. I’m not sure what’s going on with Black Label this year, seems like the spigot got twisted off and the steady stream of inventive forward thinking fun books got shelved for other mnyeh take it or leave it stuff.

 

Paul Levitz and Co. truly captured the essence of fun that made Marvel books so great in this limited series. It felt like you had snagged a tattered comic that had a price tag of 12 cents in the upper right hand corner from a musty comic shop located in a closet in Brooklyn. The characters were bright technicolor over the top heroic heroes with corny one liners and a knack for being able to say ‘stick together’ and ‘let’s get him’ in a myriad of different ways. There was a ridiculous myopic power hungry intergalactic villain in a shiny purplish metallic outfit snorting up universes and worlds like a maniacal coke addict from the 80s. What more could you ask for? Crumbling buildings. Streets collapsing into underground kingdoms populated by Lava Men. Laws of Physics, Time & Space suspended completely with an utter disregard for consequences of future issues and future storylines; the stakes were high AF. 

 

Why was this approach abandoned completely? It seems like hero comics of the past few decades have been wired to find ways to prove to us that these heroes are actually real and exist in our world rather than allowing us to find ways to escape into theirs for a brief moment. I bet some Marketing Schmuck wandered into DC & Marvel’s offices in the 2000s and gave them the ‘relatable’ PowerPoint presentation. You know the one where suits and creatives are convinced that entertainment has to exist in a way where the audience has to relate to everything that’s going on with what you’re doing.

 

So, the Hulk needs therapy, Iron Man needs AA, Cap needs an enema, Batman needs a reiki massage, Supes needs a hug from Daddy blah blah blah. Just reading this series, I mean, the way the world is these days I don’t want my heroes dealing with modern day nonsense, just beat some wack job with a time machine up and kiss a babe at the end for goodness sake. A book like this is something you look forward to, you know you can just sit back and relax into the world because of the very fact that it’s not yours. I will say that the ending did seem a bit rushed though as the Avengers, who were sent through a time portal by a shaken Kang looking for a pause in their battle on his world, saw future iterations of themselves only to end up back in 60s New York. Feels like Levitz had more story to tell but I’m guessing the cell in the dungeon he was being kept in under Disney Land needed to be cleared out for some new Pop Star so they needed him to wrap up the comic.

 

I have an idea for Marvisney. I just read Iron Man #1 (1968) one of the facsimile issues they just put out; it was stupendous. Fun Fun Fun. Look, Marvisney, your current books are mostly poop and cogs in your machine; fine, you do you. Instead of just randomly popping out facsimile issues here and there why don’t you release facsimile issue RUNS of all your great books: Spiderman, Fantastic Four, Avengers, Iron Man etc. How fun would that be? As fans, we’d get to read the comic books in sequence as if we were living when these spectacular titles were released for the first time. Release these facsimiles monthly. Reprint the first 100 issues of each. Maybe find a way to make the art feel not so overly bright and matted; gussy up the quality a bit. Make a big deal of it, charge I dunno, $5 a book, maybe add some extras in the back like original art or whatever. You telling me these things wouldn’t sell out faster than a CabbagePatch Kid in 1983?

 

Guys, you don’t have to do anything other than reprint, publish and ship and - boom, another revenue stream. Yes, I understand that all these comics have been reprinted in compendiums and addendums and oversized oogly boogly fancy tomes that get gifted to comic geeks over the holidays. But this is different. This is giving retro fans the feel of actually reading the original books as if they were being printed for the first time. Release 3 or 4 main titles, 100 issues each. What’s that? Two grand for 100 issues of each of them from each comic geek? That not good enough for you? Hell, DC, why don’t you join the fun, do it for Detective Comics and Action Comics. Why. Wouldn’t. You???

 

I’ll tell you why. I think I read a reason for why this hasn’t and won’t happen, because the Big 2 don’t want the competition from their own brand. In other words, if these reprints outsell their current titles then it makes their current titles look really really bad. I get it. That’s a bad look. But here’s the deal, maybe, just maybe that would be a sign for your current books to change course and incorporate some of the old into the new as they move forward into future stories. I mean c'mon, most of what the entertainment industry does these days is recycle the same stuff over and over or pop out sequels, how is this any different?

 

I dunno, seems like a slam dunk to me. AND. Make it so those coupons and ads in the back of the comics are real! C’mon. I never had the pennies and bucks when I was a kid but I am dying to send away for some Sea Monkeys, a book from Charles Atlas on how to get muscles, and 10,000 plastic army men in a bag.  

 

I also might be up for a paperboy route. I've always wanted to chase after John Cusack and wail 'TWO DOLLARS'!

Rating: 9.0

Verdict: Pull

MIRACLEMAN: THE SILVER AGE #4 - Review

 

 

No other way of putting this, It’s been a really rough start to the world of comic books in 2023. I mean, what the hell is going on out there??? Is it just me? Does it seem like they’ve pulled a switcheroo on us? It’s as if we were going to a farmer’s market to get these delicious mangos every weekend but all of a sudden the mangos taste horrible but the dude at the market with the chapped ruddy skin and a wad of bills in his hand is like ‘Waddya mean, it’s the same mango!’ It is not the same mango and it is not the same comic book universe. Did something happen with all these stories of multiple timelines and multiverses where they accidentally switched places with one of their multiverses where all the comic books are mediocre?

 

If I was to get all corporate and put on a monkey suit and masonic tie/noose around my neck so that I could assess the first quarter of comic book solicits I would come back and notate this one phrase on my quarterly review: There be slim pickins. What has been great so far? Truly great? Don’t say Saga. Saga has become like the show ‘Cheers’ in its heyday. Every episode is an enjoyable experience and a comfort zone for your life; you can count on it delivering the goods. It’s not changing the landscape of TV or shattering the mold it’s just doing what it does best. BKV and Fiona found their formula, it’s brilliant and it can go for a century if they so choose. But it’s not necessarily at that ‘Awe inspiring great wow level’ that is turning your world upside down. The only thing I can think of that has even come close to a Wow this year was ‘A Vicious Circle’ which actually came out at the very end of last year but has yet to deliver issue 2 of 3. That’s it. I say all this because one of the potential ‘Wow Books’ of the year was this one. Gaiman and Buckingham were supposed to deliver a story for the ages as they took up the mantle of Double M. Their first installment was nothing short of a WTF and the one after was a gigantic ginormous ‘Mnyeh, that was aight’.

 

So as I sat down in my perfect comic reading environment with a perfectly made cup of pour over organic coffee, a gluten free twinkie and my doggie nestled by my side I looked at the current issue of MiracleMan and said ‘Oh for goodness sake, would you fucking be amazing already!’ First things first: This Variant Cover rocks.

 

Don’t get me started on the absurdity of the variant cover market and how ridiculous the prices are. Real quick, if you make poop, and then say hey, I’m going to put this poop out there but you’ll only be able to find this poop in 1 of 125 or 1 of 250 comic books, well guess what? When you get lucky enough to find it or pay through the nose for it I have some bad news for you: it’s still poop. Just because it’s scarce doesn’t mean it’s valuable. It’s called artificial scarcity my friends and they are raking your wallets across the coals over it. That said: I absolutely looooove all these faux action figure comic book covers. Love Love Love. Here’s a thought: Why can’t these be real?

 

You want to milk us for our complete paycheck for a variant then why can’t these action figures be real? Why isn’t this MiracleMan action figure able to be purchased with this comic??? Look how cool it is, I want it! How hard can that be? My goodness every previewsworld I look at has dozens of new action figures why can’t the marketing departments get themselves together over some wings at Buffalo Wild Wings one Friday afternoon and figure out how to release actual action figures with these action figure variants? How amazing would that be?!? Dude. I would pay like, I dunno, $25 for a DoubleM Action Figure and this comic, does that sound about right? Maybe $30, possibly $40 but no more. There, you’ve sapped me of a chunk of change over something that probably costs $5 to make. Do it! Make our geeky dreams come true. Look, there’s awful soul sucking evil marketing schemes and then there are ones where there is joy, giddiness and a free flowing exchange of currency for widget. Make It so people. Dammit I want the DoubleM in this cover! Anyway.

 

As for this issue Gaiman was smart enough to revisit the alien world of the Qys and the Warpsmiths which immediately reminded us of the epic grandeur of what this book has been. Is it me or does the Qys chick look like Portman’s Padme Amidala from Star Wars? Check it out:

 

 

 

Pretty sure Double M and the Qys came out before this installment of Star Wars so either Gaiman gets a real Wookie in his house as a payoff or maybe Gaiman has been guaranteed to pen a new Star Wars Tale where Han Solo becomes Hannah Solo, C3PO gets tits and the exhaust fumes of every spaceship will spit out a rainbow. At any rate, I really love the Alien aspect of this book. Maybe the Qys chick saying that 'Things are weird' was Gaiman's way of acknowledging how wonky the series start was, one can only hope. Feels like he was doubling back in this issue especially with Hagrid/MisterMaster questioning Dicky D and his Dicky D name which is what I'm sure all of us would do if we ever met the kid...

 

Me: Seriously Dicky?  Dude, you think that's your real name? 

 

Dicky: But it's all I know, it's who I am

 

Me: Hulk Hogan's name is Terry. Dirk Diggler's names is Eddie Adams, got it? You either have a wrestler's name or a porn name but it's not real homie.

Dicky: [Blank Stare]

Me: I think that MiracleWoman chick who looks like Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct is your problem bro, she's fuckin' wit Double M. You needs to confront her ass.

Dicky: [Blank Stare]

Me: Dude, she told Double M to kiss you, it wasn't his idea. She's after the MM Throne. This is like some Shakespeare shit but with tights and a guy who ruined a show called 'The Sandman'.

Dicky: [Blank Stare]

 

Me: So imagine if you watched a TV show of your life but you looked like Beyonce and MiracleMan was being played by Greta Thunberg, you'd be pretty annoyed right?

Dicky: I don't understand.

Me: Can you make me the action figure on this comic? Let's start there.

 

Gaiman and Buckingham then go all Retro Comic Book vibe for the second half of this book and introduce Johnny Bates as...Young Nastyman! What??? I wanna be Young Nastyman! I think I was actually, black and yellow tights notwithstanding. There's gotta be a spinoff after this is done, the Exploits of Young Nastyman! A streaming show! An immersive experience! A burger pop-up, young nasty burgers! Some fancy shmancy Japanese Anime figurine company needs to release thei $500 Young Nastyman 1:4 action figure! This world needs Young Nastyman! 

The final panel of Double M looking at a looking glass at the retro comic art and then gazing out into the stars is just perfect. I got a little verklempt just reading it. Aww, it's good, it's really good, sniffle. Phew. Okay, Neil, you done did it. You got this book back in the saddle and I'm all in for the rest of the ride. This is what brilliant writers do and there's never been any question as to Neil's pedigree.  Of course it could all go hooey kablooey by next issue so I'm gonna hold off for as long as I can before reading the next installment.

In the meantime, who do I talk to about getting that Action Figure made? 

Rating: 8.9

Verdict: Pull. Yay.

DAREDEVIL #8 - Review & Break-Up

You can’t date two Actresses at a time. Doesn’t work. They will find out and ruin your life. It may not be immediate but they will find you and haunt your existence until you feel immeasurable pain, suffering and you develop an incurable case of paranoia. You will start seeing them appear in random places. Did whatshername just pick up somebody in an Uber across the street? Is whatshername peeking around the corner of the hummus refrigerator at Whole Foods at me? I could’ve sworn I just saw whatshername looking at me from underneath a desk at the DMV office. You will come to find out that all of those appearances were real and while you find her slicing your tires in a parking garage the first thing you’ll ask is ‘Who do you know at the DMV and can you waive my late fees?’.

 

So knowing that, what you definitely can’t do is date two Famous Actresses at the same time. Duh. So if you’re dating Aubrey Plaza you sure as hell better not be seeing Chloe Grace Moretitz at the same time, either on the down low or half-assedly. One or both will end your career and it will feel like every time you go out or walk around LA people will look at you like you’re Harvey Weinstein walking around in a speedo while squeezing imaginary asses. This is what Chip Zdarsky has been doing for the past year or so. He’s dating two Titans of the comic industry and it clearly has backfired on him. Batman was a shit show from day one and now Daredevil, good ol’ reliable Daredevil, can’t fail Daredevil, the one constant yee haw that emitted from the Marvisney bunghole of death has turned into its own crime scene of plot, story and character arcs. I can hear most of you disagreeing with me. You’re wrong. You’re being blinded by Marco Checchetto’s staggeringly beautiful art. But just like a 10 who you might be dating, you can’t condone behavior that rips your heart out and makes your pee miss the toilet due to the shakes and anxiety you feel because of her.

 

The fact that Double D is so popular now feels the same way that an Actress who you’re dating all of a sudden becomes popular. Now she’s at all the fancy parties and premieres. She’s not playing darts with you at a dive bar on a Tuesday night. She’s not snuggling up with you on a Saturday afternoon asking you to explain why the Knicks choke during the playoffs. She’s hobknobbing with the HootsieTootsies of La La Land. She doesn’t have time to taste your Matcha Olive Oil Coffee Cake. She’s getting hotter and sexier with all the ooh la la Beverly Hills treatments and Energy Work that’s being done on her by the Ayahuasca Hippies and Shamans in Topanga Canyon…but she’s losing her soul. She can’t even introduce you as who you are anymore. She says ‘This is my boyfriend, he’s a – Creative’ She can’t say that you’re in an Improv Group or that you’re still working your material out in open mics, ewww, gross. You don't recognize her anymore. I don't recognize DD anymore. He looks like a bearded hipster grump from Silverlake who sits on a toilet for hours while scrolling through survival meal kit websites.

 

There’s just no way around it anymore. It’s time to break up Daredevil. We’ve been together for, gosh, how many years now? 15 straight? Maybe more? On and off for 25? Aww, remember those Marvel Knights days, sigh, you were such a brilliant beast. Ooh, remember when Kevvy Smithy (when he hadn’t lost all sense of reality like his recent Dark Horse Poop Fest) was writing the hot pants off of you along with the Mack of all Macks, David Mackaroonski back in the late 90s? Oh Double D, I’m not really a Double D kinda guy, more like a C kinda guy, we’ve been through a lot. It’s ironic that as Satan has turned the Marvel brand into a bonfire of balderdash the one hero who wasn’t tarnished by his brimstone breath was Daredevil. Perhaps that was by design. It began with such a flourish of genius. Chip, the new Comic Scribe Darling, was clicking on all cylinders but something happened along the way. Did DC pilfer half of his brain with their Bats offer to sabotage his work at Beelzebub’s Workshop? Did he just get too big for his britches?

 

I feel like Daredevil was always a secondary character who minded his own business and his own neighborhood and stayed the hell away from all the drama that the high profile tights crowd got themselves into. That all changed with the ridiculously unbelievably amazing Netflix Daredevil TV Show which I would say piggybacked on the jaw dropping wow run that Mark Waid began back in the early 2010s. Now DD is prime time and a supposed tent pole of Marvisney and it’s no bueno. I kinda feel like it all went downhill after the Devil’s Reign mega event of last year. Clearly I had zero interest in reading it since all mega events are just mega cash grabs intended to pump up sagging sales of weaker titles that you’d never read in a million years. But after Chip came back after the story schmooze fest DD started to tank. Look, the ‘Island of the Hand in the Fist of your Evil Anus’ storyline was a great idea but something has been way off from the get with this book since the first issue after the mega event. Maybe Chip rebelled against Satan and resisted the Mega Event? Maybe they took Chip out, cloned him and it’s the Chip Clone who’s been writing DD the past 6 months? I’m trying to figure out how it’s possible to ruin an infallible title other than the fact that the stink that began in Bats has seeped over into Double D and it’s just not possible to write two ENORMOUS HERO stories at the same time.

 

Come to think of it, I’m wondering how Chip became the go-to for the Tights Crowd anyway? Like, when you were taking in his art in Sex Criminals (one of the greatest comics of all time hands down) and there was an oversized cum shot that looked like an Anime Chick on a mushroom cloud did you think ‘Dude, this Anime Cum Shot artist should write the main Batman Title and Daredevil!’ 

 

 

 

Yes, that white thing above is a Jizz creation. Maybe Matt Fraction, wherever the hell he is right now, needs to tell the dominatrix that’s got a heel in his nostril to take five as he texts his ‘Chum’

 

Hey man, we need to get back to Brimping (banging a clump of hair) and Time Shattering Orgasms again.

 

I wanted to stick with Double D but this book, despite Marco’s eye popping art, has just continually descended into an unreadable mess. I let Issue #7 sit there for a long time so I could cool off and dive back into what I hoped would be a serious ramp up to the long awaited ‘Battle Issue’ but issue 7 was putrid on so many levels. Why? Two bit crooks stealing the spotlight? The entire DD crew leaves the biggest battle island of the comic book universe to deal with a bunch of people being evicted from an apartment building??? Stilt man, STILT MAN, saves a litle girl? Some purple carnage looking ghost rider chick being trained by Elektra to channel her anger? And then finally, the Punisher and his evil clan kidnap the two-bit crook’s kid which ends up being the ultimate trigger to finally begin the battle that we’ve been waiting for since last summer. This is the trigger???? They kidnap a kid? It’s not that they’re the most evil death cult on the planet? It’s not that they taken out all the world leaders and replaced them with puppets that turn to sand when you hit them? It’s not that Elektra’s on the run because of her supposedly murdering a President? It’s not because of a Book of Prophecy that Stick carries around with him like he’s about to go on a crusade with Dr Strange in a wormhole to Medieval Europe where he plans to blindly bang the text into thousands of ancient coochies? Nooooo, the last straw was ‘Aww how could you take this cute lil’ blonde kid Frank?’ REALLY?

 

If this really is the most influential Death Clan on the planet and Double D is Satan’s tentpole don’t you think that the Avengers would actually get involved instead of a bunch of criminal misfits? Don’t you think they’d be a little more proactive than sitting around a surveillance monitor saying (for what feels like the third time) we need to take Daredevil out? Fisk wants to be major of New York?? Well that needs to be covered in 75 comic books. An evil legendary death cult has a Dragon and has pulled the levers on all the power brokers on the world’s political stage, that’s a job for Hank Dastardly from Queens and Geno Muttley from Yonkers??? That’s allz I can standz and I can’t standz no more!

 

Issue 8 was just a big waste of Marco’s class on how to draw the shit out of a dragon and a battle between good and evil. I honestly could not follow Chip, or clone Chip’s, text. I reread the issue a couple of times and the entire thing is a huge letdown to me. It just felt so, I dunno, canned? It felt like AI wrote it. Like if you went to ChatDOUBLED and asked it to write the penultimate battle issue in this run this is what it would spit out. Maybe that’s it, maybe they uploaded Chip’s consciousness to an AI mainframe and AI has been writing this series. Ya know, I wouldn’t be surprised if AI was writing all of Marvisney’s titles at this point. If Stegron is making an appearance in your long awaited issues I think it’s time you tweak the programming guys. Honestly, I can’t put my finger on it. I can’t tell you in a succinct clearly defined line of reasoning why Marvel has descended into such a dung heap of drivel; but it has. Everything just feels off. And believe me, I look at all their solicits and new series and go under the hood with all of them; something is wrong with the Kingdom of Comic Books.

 

Can we honestly blame Disney? What is Disney? A corporate international entertainment conglomerate who wants to sell sell sell sell, nothing wrong with that. However it can’t be denied that since the Marvel takeover it’s been a steady decline on my pull list of marvel titles. What used to be a consistent drop of genius from the Marvel brand has dried up. Is it the talent? The editorial staff? The corporate overlords? I can’t say. The last brilliant offerings that I can think of offhand from Marvel was Ta Nehisi Coates ‘Black Panther Run’, Fraction’s ‘Hawkeye Run’, Kaare Andrews ‘Iron Fist Run’, all the ‘Moon Knight’ runs with Bendis, Maleev, Ellis, Wood and Lemire and of course, everrrrything Daredevil since the Knicks were last in the Championship back in 1999. As also stated in my Best Comic Books of 2022 I was into their initial Defenders run and their six issues of King Conan was the best Conan story in years...which of course they cancelled...dumb asses.

Now? Nuthin’ and it’s not okay. Just like in sports we need teams like the Yankees and the Lakers to be good; it’s good for the league. So we need Marvel and DC to not only be good but great. It’s not enough for Image to carry the torch and be a creative power publishing house; throwing spaghetti ideas at the market every month. We need the Big 2 to be the King 2. DC has been holding up its end with last year’s Black Label titles but other than that it be slim pickins.

 

There was a great article written several months ago by Brandon Schatz and Danica LeBlanc about the state of the comic book industry. Definitely worth a read:

 

The Indirect Market is Gonna Suck but it Doesn't Have To

 

A lot of great points and insights. I'll respectfully disagree with the notion that raising all comics to $4.99 a pop is going to send readers away. I obviously can't speak for everyone, but Yo! If a comic is worth it I'll drop the funds. You think I had any problem  dropping 8 bones a pop for CatWoman Lonely City or WonderWoman: Historia? Nope and Nope. I've said this before, I think Marvisney needs their own Black Labelish thang. If they came out with a Bendis Maleev Daredevil Reunion in Prestige format for $10 a pop I'd be all over it! I'm not gonna trip over 5 measly ducats if it means something special.

I think we’re at the point that when comic books just become a cog in the machine that is an entertainment factory we have a problem. They can’t just be a slave class to your over arching multimedia empire, they must exist on their own and interact in a mutually beneficial symbiotic relationship with the empire; that’s not happening now. If what the article above says is true then perhaps the expiration of a bunch of licenses for many Marvel Characters could force Satan to renegotiate or relinquish these properties. It’s probably a long shot at best. The fact that Disney is selling off a bunch of its streaming titles is probably a good thing.

 

If you ask me, we need an Elon Musk moment. Not Elon but someone who truly loves and believes in comic books as an art form and vows to support and sustain the industry in and of itself. I think we’re at the point where we have to hope that Disney and AT&T (or whomever owns DC) somehow sells the rights. We need a billionaire comic book collector, is that even a thing, to come in and make them an offer they can’t refuse. Maybe even do some Mafioso strong arming, maybe even get a Fed or two involved, I dunno. Otherwise we may be looking at the slow burn of a dying direct to Local Comic Shop industry. We may be looking at, God forbid, an all digital or Trade market. Independent publishers will probably continue comics in some physical form but those will be the exception, a novelty, not the norm. We need the Big 2 to demand the sustainability and creative freedom that the world of comic books should be. I feel like suits fear that kids and eventual new consumers of content will only want stuff that is convenient and easily consumable. If it's not on a phone nobody will want it. I reject that notion. There is something about holding a book in your hands that will never be replaced. There is something about turning a page that can't be replicated. You can either celebrate that with the new generation or give into the fear that they wouldn't want that. Books will always be special. Comic Book issues will always be special. Digital will neverrrr replace both.

 

As for Daredevil, buh bye. I’m sure I’ll hop back on when you christen a new team with a new number one in September or whenever. But, and this extremely important my fellow comic geeks and daters out there, know this: “YOU CAN’T DATE POTENTIAL”. Capische? You can’t buy a title because you hope that it will get better based solely on the brand. You can’t date a babe based on your hope that she lives up to her inner Zen delightful Yoga Hottie while she continually steals your debit card so she can take all her besties out for sushi at Katsuya. Ya gotta cut the cord. I’m cutting it.

 

Disney stock is at 94 today. Whaddya think it needs to tank to? 50? 40? When do they sell Marvel off? Because one day they will, they’ll grow weary of destroying these characters and stories, a new shiny toy will come along. Maybe Satan just needs to own the licenses for all these properties and they can leave the creative stuff to other actual Humans who are willing to pony up to have at them.

 

Maybe Matt Fraction is somewhere negotiating with a Billionaire to take over the comic books industry right now. I guess we’re just gonna have to wait for him to tire from being paddled by an Amazon in a full body rubber suit for our comic geek dreams to fully come true. Until then? I'm gonna pray that MiracleMan gets better and that the wonderfully fun retro series 'Avengers War Across Time' written by an industry relic they rolled out of Katz's Deli inspires more retro series. Maybe Chip giving up Double D means new comics with exciting new magical cum shots and a Batman title that will mercifully be handed off to a real Batman writer. 

 

Anime Cum Wonder Babe - A new Maxi Pad 12 issue series by Chip Zdarsky

 

We can only hope.

 

Rating: 5.0 (Marco Rocks)

Verdict: Block

Disney Stock: 94.22