"In case of Reading a Bunch of Crappy Comic Books: Break Glass”. That’s what should read on the outside of a case that houses this MiracleMan comic but no glass case exists. I’ve had this issue facing out at the top of my comic book rack for a while for just said occasion. Like a true miraculous deified Hero it was waiting for the moment when it was needed most, when the comic offerings sitting underneath it or behind it proved to be so unbearably maddening that I needed the guarantee of its Gaiman Glory.
The completion of Miracleman, one of the greatest stories in the history of comics and modern literature, yes I said it, eff Harry Pooper, got off to a rocky start at best. I was crestfallen, ooh I love when I get to use that word properly, yes I was crestfallen. There was such a great anticipation for this book and then it was smeared with a cheap questionably pedo smooch that came out of nowhere. Thankfully, Gaiman switched gears and got things back on track last issue and reminded us why he’s a titan of the industry.
So needless to say I was psyched to peel this open until it hit me that, wait, this is Marvisney, this is what they do. They get you excited then ball up their fist in a Mickey Mouse glove and thwack you in your nizzuts. Everything they touch lately has turned to poop. Was Gaiman invincible? Whose idea was this Dicky Dauntless Miracle smooch anyway? Gaiman’s? Igers? Satan? The real witches that the Hocus Pocus movies are based on who prepare the food in the Marvisney employee cafeteria? Oh fer goodness sake Marvisney, clench those cheeks and save your culture dung for something else!
Well, turns out this issue was fine, but, I mean, nothing really happened here. Purple Hair chick takes Dicky Dick on her flying cycle with her ex to London to go looking for the records of when he was a kid. Umm, that’s pretty much except for a final reveal/reaction by Dicky which I won’t spoil for you here. After that Neil pops in another retro comic stylized story like he did in the previous where Double M is gazing in a looking glass and watches this old timey story unfold. Admittedly, this back-up story was fantastic. He’s got every nuance and the vernacular of these comics from the Golden Age down to a tee. It feels like you’re reading one of those facsimile issues that they’ve been putting out recently (which I absolutely love).
And then, well, that’s it. Feels like Neil forgot he was on
a deadline with Marvisney and just cobbled this script together for the amazing
talents that are Bellaire and Buckingham. Or maybe Neil’s taking the Mouse on!
Maybe he was told to go one way with the story and this is him telling
Beelzebub to take the piss. Oh, you want me to do all that? These are your
notes? How about I drop an issue where nothing really happens, for shits and
giggles. Whose stock dipped under 90? Mine or yours? Go Neil Go! I can see
Marvisney suits in their office in a conference call to Neil in the UK just
gushing over how amazing he is and how delighted they are with the direction that
the book is going on. Of course once they hang up on him they all drop to their
hind legs and start growling and gnashing their teeth “How are we going to extract his consciousness and hook it up to our AI Mainframe while we render his body lifeless so we can have our way with it every Halloween like we do with the rest of our writing staff?"
At any rate, it was a relatively quick read, an interlude/bridge for what’s to come, no major fireworks, no pedo smooches although Purple Hair Chick is probably on fire for the Dicky but so far she hasn’t ravished him…yet. Hmm, well, that just freed up a bunch of time since this comic was so succinct and inconsequential, I feel less than satisfied. I guess I can get myself to one of the actor picket lines. Let me see, when are they picketing Disney and where? Burbank, hmm. Wait, how hot is it out? 87??? That means 142 in Burbank in the shade. Let me check the traffic and see how long it’s taking to get from West Adams, which is near USC, to Burbank right now. Hmm, only 4 hours and 17 minutes, that’s not too bad. I wonder if I plaster the recent Hulk #1 on a picket sign do you think people will look at me funny? Probably. I do have my ‘Stream This’ sign which is a picture of pee going in a urinal. Hmm, yeah probably shouldn’t take that either, I can see being called transphobic over it. I mean, I can’t make the connection but I’m sure some unhinged actor who hasn’t booked a job since Clinton was in office will probably lose it on me.
Yeah, I think fearing for my life outweighs my need to yell epithets at Disney from their Gates of Hell. I’ll just do what I’ve been doing for the past several months during the Writer’s strike: I meditate and send good vibes to the writer. Next, after I’m done going ohmmm, I open up my Uber app and an ‘Uber Package’ to pick up a couple poopy bags filled with the excrement of my Little Princess and have them delivered it to one of the major streamers. I’ve been doing that for months. The Uber Drivers don’t care, they’re used to driving complete utter pieces of poop around LA so this is probably an upgrade for them, at least these pieces of poop don’t talk.
I mean, really, with gas prices so high and traffic worse than ever they need to set up Zoom Picket lines so we can just hop on a Zoom Strike Line when we have the time. I mean, do you think mega-billion dollar earning studios are quaking in their boots when they see dozens of out of work actors from the valley show up outside their gates? You wanna hit them hard? Hack their conference calls and insert a Zoom Strike Feed into their conference rooms. Central Casting needs to sic all of their extras on their favorite dining spots: Mr. Chow’s, Craig’s, Spartina, the altar for children underneath the Getty Center. If they’re threatening to keep this going to the point where actors lose their homes then we need to pull a Los Angeles 2023 and start erecting tents around their homes in the hills and in Bel Air. C’mon people! Think outside the box!
Anyway, this was okay, now I have to clean up the glass all around my comic book rack that I broke to get to this.
Rating: 7.5
Verdict: Pull
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