Oy this book. This fucking book. What am I gonna do with this fecuchte book? Is it over? This issue felt twice as heavy, I wondered if they were wrapping it up and putting me out of my misery. I should have dropped this book months ago. I’m 12 issues and 50 bux in but under any other circumstance this book gets a solid droperoo rating at the end; but I can’t. This comic is like a batshit crazy actress who stains your upholstery with her running mascara because she cries every 15 minutes. She screeches and bellows all your dirty secrets to the neighbors while she stumbles out of your apartment every time she visits. She kicks your car wheels with her vintage cowboy boots and spits on your windshield until she realizes that she’s doing that to her Uber not your car and then wails for you to tell her where you parked. Yet despite this erratic behavior you still find yourself coming back to her because – well, dammit she makes life interesting doesn’t she?
Well guess what this book just did to me? This is some unprecedented comic book fuckery if you ask me. It just hacked my blog and short circuited my auto-save function somehow and my whole post just went poof! into thin air. This has never happened before. Clearly Bossburger (my conjunctive name of convenience for Tyler Boss and Matt Rosenberg) sniffed out that I was about to lambaste their book once more and made a call to, I dunno, who owns blogspot, let me check. Google owns blogspot? Fuck. How am I even alive with all the shit talking I do about Disney? I’m sure I’m on a list somewhere. Bob Iger probably gets alerts every time I wish for Disney’s stock price to drop under 60 which he knows would be the magical number for him to completely sell the Marvel license away to a consortium of billionaire comic geeks who would restore it back to its proper glory. Anyway, I just wrote an entire review absolutely destroying the thirteenth issue of “What’s the Furthest Place from Writing a Coherent Fucking Story” and somehow it just disappeared.
So I got to thinking. These Bossburger Hipster Flat White drinking climate activists who say they love Liz Phair but have never listened to her music, are they even real? I mean look at them, do they seem real to you?
Notwithstanding the fact that they look like extras from Ozark (amazing show) if you asked AI to come up with an image of a cool hip writing duo of modern comics beholden to the Image brand who spit out maddening content that hooks you despite its blatant disregard for basic story structure this is one of the wackadoodle images it would create; except their arms wouldn’t look human. Now it’s all coming together for me, now it makes sense, Bossburger have and always been an AI comic book experiment. C’mon! A dystopian future of kid tribes and tall figures in puritanical dresses with deformed faces??? This reeks of AI content. So AI is now winding its way, like those tentacle machines in the Matrix, to my humble abode in LA and shorting out my laptop.
Also, my Insta feed is back to showing me 3 second videos of half nekkid girls jiggling for no reason. I don’t know why. I look at ten Prince videos, ten videos of Kamala Harris babbling like an incoherent crack addict at a beauty pageant and one video of a cute girl and boom, it’s Jiggle world. Clearly the Bossburger AI is just wanting to torment me and make my life miserable. Why would half nekkid babes jiggling their kibbles and booty bits make me miserable? Dude, it shorts out your nervous system. If you were just walking around your hood with your doggie and every time you looked across the street a half nekkid babe jiggled and disappeared by the time you got home you’d be a mess. Plus you'll find yourself out in the world getting disappointed when you don't see jiggly babes. Like, you'll be at Whole Foods and a wave of sadness will come over you. You'll ask yourself 'Why am I sad all of a sudden?'. You'll realize it's because you were expecting to see jiggly babes in front of the nut butter and jam section and instead all you saw was a squat hammer toed masked-up agro chick with blue hair and copious amounts of daddy issues. I totally blame this on the Bossburger AI.
Uggh, I totally don’t remember what I wrote about this issue. Let me think, so once again the Bossburger AI is deciding to isolate and focus on two characters who are now trapped in an abandoned zoo with a bunch of degenerates. The two plot their escape over and over only to be foiled until one final attempt where something happens; I will not spoil it. Needless to say I am rooting for these characters to find their way to freedom because they mirror my passionate deep desire for this comic to find it’s way back to the main fucking story line!
Run! Run you half baked characters from Chat GPT Land! Run and find your way to the A Story! Escape from this mindless zoo of inconsequential sequential art and find your way back to the world of cliffhangers and story arcs! Back to the world of Forward Stories! Not Back Stories! This comic should be called ‘Baby got Back Stories!’ or maybe ‘Backstory to the Future…that never fucking comes!’ If this comic had a theme song it would be ‘I Won’t Backstory Down’ by Tom ChatGPeTty.
And yet despite all this mishegas when issue 14 hits the
stands I’ll be all over it like a USC sorority at a hip new Ramen restaurant opening in K-Town. This AI World is quite the world and I must find out what the hell is going on. It's like I'm in an escape room in K-Town. I've paid fifty bucks and the clues are preposterous and make zero sense. I want to leave. I'm waving where I think the hidden cameras are so that the slobs eating hot cheetos and laughing at me will activate a speaker that tells me how to exit and give up. But I won't. I'll find my way out of this mess to when it's over. I'll hate myself for doing it but I'll feel a sense of accomplishment as well. Holy shit. I survived the Bossburger AI comic. If I can get through this story I can get through any st - well, not any story. I can't get through Marvisney's pathetic books - ow! My laptop just - ow! I think I just got shock - ow! Oh shit the power just w
No comments:
Post a Comment