Hell yes I’m down to check out a new Sci-Fi series penned by Captain Kirkman and drawn by Lorenzo DeFelici who just recently dropped Kroma, a truly enjoyable 4 issue mini-series that was easy on the eyes, sign me up! The premise is quite simple: A dude and chick who are enemies from warring planets crash their spaceships on a random barren planetoid and they’re forced to work with each other to find a way off; definitely not recreating the plot wheel here but whatever. I suppose I should brace myself for some tried and true trope of ‘Gosh, we’re really all the same if we just look beyond the labels’; eye roll.
First things first, it looks like they ripped the design of the helmets of these pilots from a couple popular DC characters: Cat Woman and, umm, I don’t read this book at all but the robot guy thingy dude from Doom Patrol. Look –
I'm right aren't I?
So we get the basic set-up of yeah yeah they hate each other and oh no, our ships don’t work what are we going to do? The marooned duo then go gallivanting around this barren rock looking for anything they can find and they come upon an ancient looking spaceship that seems to have been abandoned. Oh man, this is going to be so cool. Go Kirk go! After some tinkering the ship comes to life and turns into a robot and flies off. Hmm, weird, that looked like a Transformer, wonder why they put a Transformer in this comic. Oh well, wait, hold on here, flipping pages, flipping pages, reading the letter from Kirky at the end.
Wait, what? No way. Seriously??? This is a Transformers/G.I. Joe tie in? Are you fucking kidding me? You’re kidding me, right? Tell me you did not just rope me in under the guise of offering a brand new Sci-Fi series and then bait and switch me to make it about a cross-promotion with Hasbro and their IP and product line? Is this Image? Did Kirkman get abducted by Klaus Schwab since he didn’t fall in line with his W.E.F. diabolical plans and is now finding a way to completely ruin his credibility and his brand? Is Dylan Mulvaney a ghost writer on this project? How was this cross-promotion not mentioned at all in any of the solicits or early reviews? People! C’mon! This is shockingly awful. Did Lorenzo and his breathtaking artistic talents know what he was getting into? Was he just as taken aback by this as I am?
Lorenzo: Hey, so, umm, what’s this Transformers thing that happens at the end of the script?
Kirky: Isn’t it cool? Welcome to the Energon Universe! Endless possibilities.
Lorenzo: Yeah, um, but I thought this was a –
Kirky: You will never believe who makes a cameo in the second issue?
Lorenzo: Umm, uh, wait, Energon Univ –
Kirky: G.I. Joe! Amazeballs right?!?! We got you in on a winner here.
Lorenzo: You mean the Army Toy Guy? Wait, is this a –
Kirky: I’m actually here with Hasbro’s marketing team right now, say hi Lorenzo!
Lorenzo: You’re where? Wait, did you say G.I. Joe? In a Sci-Fi comic?
Kirky: Hey, you don’t seem thrilled, keep it down pal, it’s all in that Kroma contract you signed. You’ll draw the fucking toys and you’ll draw them well or I’ll ruin you.
I’m absolutely blindsided by this incredulous Hasbro cross promotion by Image. Dude, this is some Free Comic Book Day shit. This is some IDW (I Don’t Want) toy comic stuff. Dude, this is some Garage Sale 25 cents a book in a cardboard box stuff. Like, put your ads in the solicits or put a a graphic on the cover and tell comic geeks this is what you plan on doing. In my Mad Dog voice “You CANNOT tell me you’re writing a Sci Fi Book and then tell me you’re selling me toys and comics about toys!!! Can’t do it!”. You can’t say, “Oh this was our big surprise”. It’s not a fucking surprise! If a new Batman series launched and at the end he stumbled into a life sized Monopoly board and you told your readers:
‘Welcome to Bat-Opoly! Each month Batman will travel around the board. Which property will he land on next??? The Joker’s Boardwalk? Will the Riddler’s Chance Cards drive him batty? Will Harley Quinn’s Community Chest bonk him on the head? Or is it actually Harley Quinn’s Produgious Chest for the Community? You can’t pass Go and we will collect your $4.99 ($84.99 for the acetate blank cover).’
This would be like if at the end of the premiere issue of ‘The Walking Dead’ Rick reached into his satchel and pulled out a Nerf Gun that he shot at a bunch of Zombies. ‘Hey hope you enjoyed this wild zombie ride! We’ve partnered with Hasbro and each month we’ll showcase one of their classic toys and games set against the backdrop of a brutal gruesome zombie apocalypse. Next month Clue! It was a biter in the RV with a blown off head on a stick, Fun Fun Fun!’
This comic should be in the kiddie section of my comic book shop. There’s a kiddy section with all ages Batman books and Animaniacs, Mickey and Donald stuff; put it there. This like a comic your mom would bring home for you from Walgreens or CVS where they had licensed comics that weren’t real comics but, I dunno, like the Hulk used a moisturizing cream on his knees or it’d be an anti-drug comic sponsored DARE or something. You’d go, thanks Mom, and then it would collect dust in your attic.
Transformers/G.I. Joe on a barren planet with two marooned losers who hate each other, blecch. What’s next? Does Mr. Potato Head fly in on a ship but the ship falls apart and his eyes fall out and create craters on the planet? Do they stumble upon a life size Ouija board and attempt to contact Space Ghost to give them assistance? Do they fall into a cave where they discover Play-Doh and try to build a ship from it? Does a fleet of My Little Ponies attack them with space grenades that look like Furbys???
I’m flabbergasted, what a complete utter waste of four bucks. What a gut punch from the King of Image. Are you that hard up for cash? Start a kiddie line and be excruciatingly clear that you’re starting a kiddie line and leave us grown Comic Geeks alone. You’re still the greatest Comic Book publisher on Earth but, oy vey, stick this comic in an Easy-Bake oven, ding! It’s done.
Rating: 1.0
Verdict: Drop
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