KNIGHT TERRORS: BATMAN - Review #1

Oy. Vey. Night Terrors. The DC Night TerrorsI They’re everywhere! It’s scaaaary. Comic geeks everywhere are having trouble sleeping now, cuz, well, night terrors! Dude. Like, who thought this was a good idea? A corny AF Lobo looking dude is looking for something in the nightmares of every single DC Hero that has an ongoing title. Did they run this past Gaiman? I mean, at this point if you’re hitting up the whole nightmare and dream oeuvre you’ve got to at least text Sir Gaiman the Great, don’t you? I can’t see him signing off on this drivel. This is amateur hour single A baseball type nightmare stuff. Like, if I found myself on the 405 freeway at 4pm on a Friday out here with a lane shut off due to a mash-up and I had a choice between staying on the freeway or having this putz torment my dreams for a week or so I’d happily take this Road Warrior extra. 

For goodness sake can someone write a fucking amazing Batman comic! Maybe I should start a new blog and call it Bat-herapy and use it to vent all my angst, frustrations and stink eyes over the Bat Comic Universe. Look at this guy, this is the villain:

I mean, I have homeless people wandering around outside my Whole Foods that are more of a threat to my existence than this wahoo would ever be. So you just jacked up a guy with steroids, gave him a purple mohawk, got some cheap $12.99  eye make-up from a ‘Spirit of Halloween’ store, walked him into the DC offices and everyone freaked out and said 'That's our Mega Event Guy!'. This doesn’t look like some mega event bad guy this looks like a meth-curious North Hollywood barista who wanders into Bar Sinister in Hollywood on a Tuesday night and nurses a White Russian in the corner while making creepy eyes.

The only reason I bought this book to begin with was the fact that Guillem March was doing the art. One of the best, and most memorable books, of the past several years was March’s ‘Karmen’ which was about a girl who takes her life over a heartbreak and an Angel that helps her through her choices. Most of the time the spirit of this girl was flying around naked in the sky over this Spanish town. 

I will forever think fondly of this book and to this day I still look up in the sky every now and then hoping that I’ll see some random heartbroken naked chick flying over my head. When I do see her I’ll beckon her to join me for a naked coffee date. I’ll then give her a button down Yankee jersey to wear and a purple thong and we will walk hand in hand all over La La Land and the unhoused will serenade us with farts and belches that sound like the song ‘Strangers in the Night’.

Of course I get very stressed out about the fact that I might finally notice her while driving around LA and I’m sure I’ll get into a fender bender over her. When the cops show up and ask me my side of the story I’ll have to admit to them that I was chasing down a naked babe in the sky over the 101 and then I’ll be staring at padded walls in no time. I’d like to think that the readers of this blog will come to my rescue and explain to the employees of my loony bin that I am in fact not a wack job, that the naked babe in the sky was real. I can count on you guys for that, right?

Anyway, back to this shit show. So this Night Terrors event, umm, is DC hard up for cash? Like, if you bought up every comic that they have listed for this Night Terrors nightmare of a story line you’d be out around $250, that’s not counting any ridiculously expensive Jae Lee variant covers that you know you’ll be tempted to dip into now and then. Not only that, this ‘event’ only spans two months! Who the hell has $125 a month right now to drop on a bunch of mediocre comics with a Bar Sinister Bozo as the villain? This is how Mitch McConnell reacted when he heard that the new DC Mega Event with the Noho Fetanyl Addict would cost him $250 bucks the next two months:

How out of touch can DC be? Who is Ravager and Angel Breaker??? Those are two issues you’d have to buy to snatch up every Night Blah Blah book. I mean, did they anticipate the Hollywood Writer’s strike and are just pulling rejected story lines out of their hard drives from years ago just to keep up with releasing content? I’m pretty sure the Writer’s strike does not extend into the comic book world but maybe there’s a client comic scribe strike? Maybe they see the Big 2 threatening to replace them with AI also.

I wouldn’t be surprised if all the writers currently writing for DC and Marvisney aren’t even the writers anymore but are in fact the AI facsimile version of these writers. Like, they go into a meeting with a DC/Marvisney suit, the suit says hold on and exits the room, the writer is then scanned with advanced quantum technology and a chip is shot into their brain. All they feel is a tiny little scratch so they think nothing of it. 

So in the instance of this comic, Josh Williamson came into the meeting, the suit said ‘Hey waddya think of our new Mega Event Bar Sinister Meth Addict Villain from Tarzana?’ Josh would scoff and try not to insult the suit. He’d say ‘Uhh, interesting’. At that point the suit would leave and, boom, AI Josh gets extracted and they don’t need him anymore.

Oh wait, it’s Knight Terrors! Ha. That’s even worse. I mean, if they put this in medieval times maybe it’d come to life a bit more. Actually, I can see this taking place during a Renaissance Fair with a bunch of out of work actors in tunics and actresses in raggedy dresses from their roles as woeful women in a Chekhov/Strindberg festival from 1997. The Meth Actor Villain could be that actor guy who had a little bit too much trauma in their childhood and in lieu of going to therapy his parents sent him to auditions. Let me tell you, that actor guy is absolutely frightening. That guy is a fuse ready to blow and an assault on the object of their affection waiting to happen.

Now I'm totally freaked out. Because hordes of these psychos are now homeless and roaming LA due to the ungodly amount of money it costs to actually rent a place here. You geeks want some terrors to haunt your dreams? Head over to Venice, CA around 1am on a weeknight, that'll do you right. I bet you that's where my flying naked dream girl is taking flight. Why? Because nobody will bother her out there, they'll just assume they inhaled too much of the cheap psychedelics floating around in the air and chalk it up to a contact hallucination. 

Save your $250 people. Hell, save your $5. Donate that $5 instead to the 'Get Mitch McConnell a Case of Pepto Fund' and call it a day.

Rating: 4.4

Verdict: Drop. Zzzzzzzzzzz

SUPERMAN: SPACE AGE #3 - Review

 

I finally got around to finishing this wacky 3 issue drop from DC. I’m not really a Superdude guy but I was intrigued by the series, Alldred’s art is always delightful and the page count was a definite bang for the buck. To be honest, I don’t know what the point of this series was and who it was necessarily targeting. It gives off a serious retro vibe and does a lot of revisionist history with its iconic characters. I’m not sure if this is an alternate reality or if Mark Russell was just tasked with the idea of just writing his take on the Supe and JLA origin story and their attempt to stop the world from being destroyed. Maybe they got wind of the Levitz “Avengers War Across Time” retro thingy and this was their response, wouldn’t be surprised.

 

First of all, the cover looks like what the costumed characters look like in front of Mann’s Chinese Theater these days in Hollywood but without the muscles. Plus, the chick in the upper right in the fishnets is eerily accurate as to what happens on the weekends there: Ho’s just be fallin from da sky upside down n shit. Who is that, Black Canary? Looks like any random Luciferian you’d run into at Bar Sinister in Hollyweird on any given night. Look at all those rips in her fishnets, why are they there?

 

Fishnets in the 80s and 90s never had rips in them, babes would parade around them in videos sexy as all get out. Now? It’s a thing to look like you just got into a fight with a mountain lion after you fell off a balcony in the hills at a late night after party. Is that supposed to be a turn on?

 

Wow, you look like you’ve been up all night doing drugs and fending off savage animals in a forest, wanna grab a coffee?

 

I have lots of questions about this book. First, I thought that Green Lantern was killed in the last issue, so why did the singer Maxwell get cast as him? Look at this dude, that’s the ‘Sumthin’ Sumthin’ guy! Did the JLA end up in a poetry slam in Brooklyn for some reason and see Maxwell perform and hire him to croon during their ‘Thursday Threesome Nights?’

 

We also get a lot of Lois and Clark living in the Fortress of Solitude raising their Super Kid. I have a lot of questions about this whole fortress of solitude situation especially once Supe brings Lois there.

 

1.  Once you bring a babe there doesn’t it immediately annul its whole ‘Fortress of Solitude’ status? Wouldn’t it turn into something like ‘The Bang-cicle’ or the ‘The North Pole Dance?’ Unless you’ve created a whole other ice house for her. Regardless, no self respecting intelligent babe is gonna wanna live in a spot called the fortress of fucking solitude. She’s changing that shit with a quickness. It’s probably going to become ‘The Palace of Communication’ or ‘The Armory of Saying Sorry and Meaning It’.

 

2.   What’s the kitchen like and how long does it take to get groceries? I would assume there’s gonna be an ice-island in the middle of the kitchen but what else? Are you just eating raw and vegan up there cuz you obviously can’t have an oven. One thing I know is that babes want to have food up in their domicile so Lois ain’t gonna be content to just get Super Banged. Plus, she’s gonna want to completely do a makeover on the kitchen. And, groceries. Clark! We’re out of butter! Like all day every day.

 

3.     What’s the coffee situation? Oh c’mon, a New York Beat Reporter? That chick drinks coffee like it’s Guinness at a pub in Dublin. Can you even heat up water in the Fortress? Iced Coffee isn’t gonna cut it and I’m telling you right now Lois without her coffee fix in the morning has gotta be a complete and utter nightmare. Supe and his “Mmm wake up to the fresh air of the Artic” ain’t gonna cut it with a caffeine addicted New Yorker who needs to feel useful and important.

 

4.     What’s the laundry situation? Holy Moly that’s huge! You can’t just sleep on the same sheets every day especially after Super Banging on them and bickering over who sleeps in the Super Wet Spot. She’s gonna feel gross and unclean and want freshly laundered sheets like every other day. Supe and his “I’ll heat them and clean them with my eye lasers”? Yeah, another ain’t gonna cut it. It’s either spin cycles or nuthin. My goodness this Fortress is turning into the worst bachelor pad in the history of the Universe.

 

5.     Now in this comic they raise a kid in the Ice Palace of Communication. Are you kidding me? You telling me a new Mom is just going to be okay without all the accoutrements that come with raising a baby?!?! Is there Super Formula? Is there a Super Baby Monitor? Just because Supes can hear every single breath of the kid doesn’t mean that Lois still wouldn’t want to make sure everything is alright in the – I dunno, where’s the kid sleeping? Is it decorated? Is there a place to change the kid’s diapers? DIAPERS! Where they getting diapers from???? Again, this is the 80s, no Prime!

 

6.     So Daddy Supes is there all the time albeit as a algorithmic AI hologram, but still, no way Lois is just gonna be fine with Magic Daddy all up in their business 24/7. During one of their knockdown no punches pulled fights about the coffee situation Holo Daddy would probably float in and offer some sage advice which would only drive Lois crazier about there being no coffee. Seriously, Holo Daddy is getting unplugged within a week tops.

 

Yeah, I call serrrriouuuuss bullshit on the entire fortress scenario. Lois would like be down for a weekend getaway here and there but no way is she getting her homemaker vibe on Mr. Freezemeister’s vacation home.

 

There’s a whole Lex Luthor corporate takeover subplot which is neither here nor there. Basically it all comes down to something called The Anti-Monitor, who looks like a bunch of rejects from the Galaga video game, that is coming to devour the Universe of the Earth. So the fate of the world rests in the hands of these people:

 

Who's the Cat Dude??? There's a Cat Dude hero in the DC Universe? You know the Cat Dude is the guy who shows up uninvited to a Halloween Party with his cat mask and proceeds to drink himself into a stupor while grabbing the asses of all the taken women in the party before leaving. Then while everyone's upset and wondering who violated their wives/girlfriends someone pipes up 'It was a dude with a Cat Mask on, he was drinkin' and grabbin' mad ass and then just bounced'

 

I mean, can we just accept the fact that in the 60s or 70s the creators of DC got super high on weed and acid and wandered down from their comic book making offices one day and stumbled upon the Pride Parade in the West Village? Their eyes, and probably some of their crotches, bulged and they probably raced back to their offices to come up with all the costumes of the entire DC Universe. Look at them! That’s major pride vibe right there. Plus, you’ve got your token sad drunk babe who goes to gay bars to drown her sorrow over her cheating boyfriend, that’s Black Canary in the lower left corner. And! You also have your basic Drama Chick in the top hat who everybody in the cast of the Lower East Side play she’s in can’t figure out if she’s straight or not, that’s Zatanna. Zatanna, jeez, even sounds like the hottest girl in a cast who nobody even gets close to figuring out or smooching. Like, she’s either a rich dude’s girl that he’s letting have her fun slumming with the poor artist types or she’s a deviant who’s trying to play it off like she’s normal but she runs an S&M dungeon on the weeknights and sticks her heels in the earholes of Wall Street losers for oodles of cash.

 

So the world gets destroyed but Supes was able to collect the DNA of every human on the planet by offering them the cure for all the diseases on the planet by being able to diagnose and cure everything based on their DNA. Let me tell you something, I’d give my DNA to Superman okay? But under no circumstances would I give my DNA to annnnyyy of these Ancestor Family Tree Bogus DNA kits. I can’t believe people fell for this nonsense. 

 

 

Evil DNA Dude 1: Hmm, how can we collect everybody’s DNA and put it into a database so we decide how to kill any and everyone whenever we so choose.

 

Evil DNA Dude 2: Hmm, I know! Tell them if they do we’ll show them how they were related to a Cherokee Chief or  like a, I dunno, a Welsh playwright in the 1700s.

 

Evil DNA Dude 1: Yeah! Then we can just connect them with random people in rural areas that nobody ever talks to and tell them that they’re related, brilliant!

 

 

Unbelievable. You know that people have submitted DNA to the same or different companies and almost always get back different results every time? You’re not related to Sitting Bull okay? You’re still related to your creepy drunk possibly pedo uncle who runs a sportsbook out of Linden, NJ.

 

Supes then takes the shards with all the DNA of humanity and enters some alternate universe created by the Brainiac crew and creates a new Universe with an Earth in it. The real Superman dies but there's a new Earth that gets created with a new Superman and a bunch of mostly white people in head to toe white outfits that have a bunch of pets at their feet.

So now it's clear to me that the entire creative team of this book was baked out of their minds. I'm cool with that. I mean, if DC heads start doing acid like they did in the 60s and 70s and they start putting out quality shit who am I to judge? Clearly all that Marvisney is doing is strapping all of their writers and artists into a chair, peeling all of their eyelids back a la 'Clockwork Orange' and forcing them to watch 'Pink Flamingos' on repeat for weeks on end before they're allowed to commence on their work.

I don't know what to make of this whole 'DC Space Age' experience that I just had. I mean, it happened, I got it, it was goofy, I didn't feel anything but in some weird way I enjoyed it and appreciated the writing a lot, like, yeah, it was really well written. Well, now I have a good icebreaker for my next date whenever the hell that is. Literally, an icebreaker. I can ask my date what she thinks of the whole 'Fortress of Solitude' Situation and then sit back and watch her go on a rant for an hour.

Rating: 8.0

Verdict: Get it, it's, umm, it's pretty good! I think?

 

 

BATMAN: BEYOND THE WHITE KNIGHT #8 - Review

 

Uggh, I’ve been holding off on reading this one since it’s the final White Knight book. I mean, it is DC so they’ll probably bring it back at some point. One underachieving exec at an Editor’s meeting years from now will say ‘Hey, why don’t we do another White Knight story’ and everyone will go bananas for the idea, call the meeting over and jump in piles of cocaine while underage hookers and Drag performers are shipped in from Echo Park for entertainment. But that might not happen until, oh I dunno, December. But for now we have to assume this is the last one for a while and my goodness what a majestic run this has been.

 

Granted, nothing has been as great as that first series but all the subsequent runs have been good enough to stay atop all the other Batman offerings in that timeframe. Make no mistake, this has been the crown jewel of the Batman universe since it’s inception; nothing has come close. So, once I close the cover of this issue and toss it on my ‘yeah I read that pile’ I won’t have any active Bat Books on my pull and I don’t see anything coming down the pike either to change that. Of course DC could release 25 new Bat Titles next week, so ya never know with Bats.

 

I do feel that they missed the boat with this series a bit by not making it into a Prestige Large Sized format. What, Sean Murphy ain’t prestigious enough for you DC? Dude has got accolades! His art is also extremely detail oriented so a larger size would really bring his world to life. I say that because the opening offensive by the Bat Team in this issue gets kinda lost with all the small details in the panels. Honestly, it was a bit confusing to follow what was going on. I knew that shit was being blown up and that the Batmobile turned from speedboat into a car which was cool.

 

I’m waiting for the moment when Batman makes an appearance somehow in the Chicken Devils series where his Batmobile turns into a Bat Food Truck. Waddya think Bats would sell from his Bat Truck? Batties Jamaican Patties? Swing BATter BATter (pancake/crepe truck)? Bats Batty Burgers? You know if campy 1966 Adam West Batman was still doing it to death he’d roll up in a Bat Food Truck for realz.

 

So the opening was a bit all over the place for me. Also, this Gan chick, who I’m not a fan of, is now all of a sudden a former Special Ops Bad Ass from Afghanistan and is shooting arrows like Erroll Flynn in tights? Wasn’t she like a bumbling nitwit when she was being trained by the Red Hood in the mini series of this Universe? I could be wrong but I remember her as being shy and not very agile. The whole Gan Robin thing irks me, not sure why, just feels pushed in by a frothing at the mouth editor to get a diversity point rather than an organic development of the story.

 

What has set Murphy’s Batverse apart from all of the others is the emotional core that he’s found with the relationships of all of his characters. He’s infused love, regret, envy and deep flaws within this cast which has taken us as readers on a real rollercoaster ride. The one thing you learn first about screenwriting or writing of any kind is that ‘Story’ is all about your characters. If you just have a plot and two dimensional mannequins nobody’s gonna give a shit. I mean, they may for a second but then they’ll forget everything about your plot except the explosions and shocks. This is exactly how the dating scene in LA goes, you don’t remember names or job titles just property damage, ego damage and social media ruin; it’s fun out here!

 

Eventually the Bat Team gets their act together, the attack on the Bad Guys is moving along and then we get this moment: Bats, who has been running around without his mask since getting out of jail, puts his cowl back on:

 

 

I mean, cmon, Murph just gets it. If you’re a Bat Fan and you didn’t think or emit some sort of ‘Fuck Yeah’ when you saw this then you’re not a Bat Fan you’re a depressed comic geek and you need to get outside and get some sun, maybe take a break from those Ramen packets for a week or two.

 

As the pages winded down and Bats and the unfrikkinbelievable holographic Jack Napier/Joker character worked their way to their inevitable conclusion I began to feel appreciative and nostalgic for how great this run has been and how there’s nothing like sitting down to a great Bat Story…until…I read the last page…and

 

NO

 

FUKCIN

 

WAY

 

You’re kidding me. You’re continuing the White Knight story??? WHAT? With who? WHAT? Mirka Andolfo is doing a Joker Daughter/Daddy story??? Mirka Andolfo of ‘Unnatural’ fame? The chick who draws Pig Porn??? I mean she’s really good but, my goodness, her anthropomorphic books are seriously naughty. Like, I had to stop myself and think for a second as I bought a variant cover from her Unnatural Series which was a cover of her main pig character on the cover half nekkid with her big pig tits and pig ass hanging out.

 

 

 

‘Umm is this Kosher?’ I could feel Rabbi Shapiro from my Bar Mitzvah days looking over my shoulder, glaring at me with his scraggly nose and beady eyes, sorry Rebbe, I’d never date Pig Babe but, I mean, I might like her on a dating app but no way she’d like me back. I’d need a bunch of tats, a drug habit and a complete lack of empathy; probably a few guns in my night stand too.

 

Ha, and now they got Murph taking on Supes and Double Dub Babe in a Whitey Knighty Knight way as well??? And JLA? Wow. They couldn’t even wait a few months. I bet Murphy was picking up his last check from DC and they called him into their Bigwig Editor’s meeting. He walked in and they all had these big grins on their faces. Unbeknownst to Murph all the editors were scratching each other’s eyes out before he walked in because all the Bat Books they currently had on the stands sucked, and the crown jewel of their Alt Uni was about to walk and start his Zorro Book.

 

DC: Seanie Love, have a seat.

 

Murph: Hey guys, yeah, I gotta go, Zorro beckons. Thanks for the opportunity, had a blast.

 

Murphy turns to go

 

DC: Superman and Wonder Woman! Anything you want! Draw Plastic Man! Mr Mxyzptlk! They’re all yours! White Knight them all!

 

Murph: Wait, what? You want me –

 

DC: (bawling on their knees) Please don’t go, please, we – we’re nothing, we –

 

Murph: But I can’t right now, I have a Zorro -

 

DC: It’s okay we got Mirka doing the next one, Joker’s Daughter and Jack –

 

Murph: The Naughty Pig Chick? Is drawing Joker?

 

DC: Her contract clearly stipulates no Pig Tits, we swear.

 

Murph: Okay. Hmm. Chippy Z’s Batman run sucks saggy donkey scrotum. Say it.

 

DC: What?

 

Murph: Chippy Z’s Batman run sucks saggy donkey scrotum. Say it.

 

DC: Zdarsky? Well, the numbers are down but he’s doing a swell –

 

Murph: Chippy Z’s Batman run sucks saggy donkey scrotum. Say it or I walk.

 

DC: -

 

The editors huddle over the pile of coke in the middle of their boardroom table, they snort and bicker for several moments.

 

DC: Chippy Z’s Batman run sucks saggy donkey scrotum.

 

Murph: Louder.

 

DC: Chippy Z’s Batman run sucks saggy donkey scrotum.

 

Murph: Wonder Woman here I come. No pun intended.

 

The DC Editors erupt in jubilant cheers as they all swiftly make a conference call to their fave escort service in Echo Park

 

DC: WE WANT ALL DEM VEGAN TAT HOES! Murph’s doing Supe & Dub!

 

Well, I guess I’m happy. I mean, that White Knight JLA Verse is going to be amazing. I guess I feel a little cheated. It’s like it’s the last day of Jew kid summer camp and you’re weepy and hugging all your tiny Jew friends that you’ll probably never see again and all of sudden the Camp Director goes ‘Psych! We’re adding another month! Schools across the country aren’t starting until October this year!’ It’s cool, but weird, ya know.

 

Whatever happens, let’s just be clear, this was a genius alt Bat Verse and if he can do to JLA what he did to Bats we may need him to take over DC…and yes Chippy Z’s Bat run does suck on animal genitalia. Hey Andolfo, don’t get any ideas mmkay?

 

Rating: 9.2

Verdict: 60% chance a naughty pig babe makes it into Mirka’s run.

 

 

 

 

BATMAN SPAWN - Review

 

Oy vey. What a mess. Eight bucks down the drain. Well, at least the cover was beautiful. I got the fancy acetate Jorge Jiminix one that you see above. It looked nice in my comic book rack for a week before I opened it up. Hey, sometimes comics are nothing but adornments or pretty trinkets. Kinda like a chunk of the women here in LA. They look beyond wow on the outside but then you open them up and it feels like you’re looking at an M.C. Escher painting drawn by a five year old. Before you know it you’re peeking around the corner of the gluten free/soups aisle in Whole Foods because you both shop there and that’s where you made your patented Cookie Monster Voice pick-up line ‘I like these gluten free cookies cuz gluten free cookies are for me’ moment that made her laugh and surrender her Insta. Pick-up lines at the produce section are for rookies. If I’m feeling super confident I’ll flex at the Hummus refrigerator like I’m Ryan Gosling in Crazy Stupid Love when he’s showing his ripped six pack to Emma ‘This sprouted Hummus will unlock your pineal gland’ hubba hubba hummus wink wink.

First things first, Greg Capullo is an Art Beast and his lines are just made for Batman. This book looked amazing, what a waste that he was teamed up with someone who forgot how to write a comic book. Maybe Todd should have made a Capullo line of McFarlane Batman Toys instead of writing like a teenager in his Freshman creative writing class. Once again a Publisher is taking something that was the greatest thing ever and putting a stinky cheese smear on it. By that I mean the ‘Court of Owls’ story line which was without question the greatest Batman storyline of the past 15 years. I relished every page of that run and when I realized they were dipping back into that plot well with this ‘One Shot to your Batman Heart’ book I immediately furrowed my brow and thought ‘oh man, they’re gonna poo on my happy memory aren’t they’, and poo they did.

I have never bought a Spawn book; never appealed to me. I don’t know much about him other than him being in Hell looking for his wife’s soul. That’s not really a big deal for me. People are looking for their partners souls all over Los Angeles all the time and they’re not doing it in Mexican Wrestler outfits with long windy capes; well some do, especially at Venice beach on the weekends. It’s not that hard to find someone’s soul either, we have a ‘Soul Tracker’ app out here. It’s kinda like Waze except you put in your significant other’s soul and the app tells you how to get past the security guards at Disney on each particular day. Maybe this Spawn guy needs to do what everyone else in LA does when they lose someone they love and go to Topanga Canyon to find some hippie pyschic medium so he could talk to her. Cmon Spawnie, stop traipsing around Hell and busting into Bob Iger’s sex dungeon, you wanna chat with wifey we got plenty of options here. If that doesn’t work just track down Jay-Z and ask him, he can probably point you in the right direction after he rips off a few mediocre bars of rhymes. Just go ‘That was dope’ and nod your head and you’ll be on your way.

There are so many WTF moments in this book it’s going to be hard to list all of them. First, there’s so many cheesy word pops in the lettering that give such an amateurish feel to the story. The night we turned into MONSTERS. Everything is colored in the crimson color of BLOOD. Which allows Batman to finally FIGHT BACK. You just might KILL THEM. Yeesh. Where’s the Biff Pow Splat of the Batman 66 TV Show. I’m just so DISAPPOINTED. This is the second comic in a row that I’ve read that has SUCKED. Leave my Court of Owls storyline ALONE. Did this really cost as much a Wonder Woman Historia? What a RIP OFF. 

The whole Joker scene with his strapped on skin face was totally useless and unnecessary other than giving Capullo free reign to draw his ass off. I don’t know what these dwarfish blue teethy things were at the end of his scene but I’d like to send them to McFarland Toys to gnaw on the staff’s scrotums. At least the Joker wasn’t getting pregnant and puking up his kid like he did in the book that just came out ’The Man Who Stopped Laughing’. Apparently Zatanna cast a spell that caused Jokes to create a kid in his parasite ridden acid bath of a stomach. I’d stop laughing too if some ex-voodoo chick who I sexted on Tinder got me to puke up a Tahini baby. So lemme get this straight you manifested a child in a dude’s stomach? I don’t see the Joker having the best diet in the world to allow for a kid to incubate in his belly cavern of death. I bet he subsists off of cheap Top Ramen and Twizzlers. Yes I said Twizzlers not Red Vines you West Coast psychopaths!!! Red vines taste like fucking CHALK! Chalk I say! A Twizzler is pure strawberry goodness you candy losers! 

Anyway, the Court of Owls doesn’t feel as menacing this time around and neither does the Owl Dude. They just look like a bunch of managers at Target who happen to be in suits and have some owl masks on hand. I wouldn’t be surprised if you’ll see Owl Masks on sale in the ‘Home Decor’ section of Target in a few weeks; made by McFarland Toys of course, $49.99 each. There’s a panel where Owl Dude is leaning against the wall and his tush is sticking out and, I dunno, it just made him feel more like a Halloween Costume loser than a guy who could rip your throat out; serious impostor vibes. I can’t really say how the story wrapped up, the ending was a bit muddled and I didn’t really follow the climax. I probably just gave up and looked at the rest of the pretty pictures until I could toss this over my shoulder. The Owl shmucks were all 'We made you we can kill you we'll send you to hell' That's what the people that make those Pop toys yell at each toy they make before they send it to market to be purchased by hobbyists who hate themselves with every purchase they make.

Todd, look, stick to the overpriced toys and leave my Owls alone. Spawn? Here let me help you, I just checked the Soul Tracker app. The guy at the main gate today, Friday, at Disney is named Manny. He likes plant based sausages and those Indian Papadum chips that you can get at Trader Joes. Just hand him those and whisper the words ‘Beelzebub's Balls taste like Molasses’ and he’ll let you in. You’ll probably find your wife in the Animation Department where they’re working on Snow White Privilege the sequel to Snow White. You’re welcome.

Rating: 6.0

Verdict: Well it’s a one shot so I can’t drop it from my pull, so I’m fucked.

THE BEST COMIC BOOKS OF 2022

                  THE BEST COMIC BOOKS OF 2022

Why are all ‘Best Of’ lists a Top 10? Or Top 25? Top 100? Are you not allowed to have a list that doesn’t equate into denominations of 10s and 5s? I always wonder, are they squeezing stuff in to make it an even 25 or are they leaving a bunch out and if they are leaving a bunch out why not just extend the frikkin’ list???

Well, my Best Of List will be a Top 12 mmkay? Problem??? Nothing was left off, nothing was squeezed in these are legitimately the best Comics that I read all year. 2022 was the year of ‘One and Done's’. I don’t remember pulling so many first issues and trashing them before I got to issue 2.

I pulled 185 comics this year down from 250 last year and down from about 300 five years ago. So I’ve basically lost 10 titles a year which I would say is a direct reflection of the miserable direction Marvisney is headed coupled with the new norm of long layoffs between arcs of successful books and more and more shorter series. Look at all the books I’ve reviewed. Almost all of the are issues 1-4 or 5, maybe 6. Seems like creators are given shorter leashes and the market is being inundated with titles that are looking to stick to the wall like spaghetti.

What does that mean for comic geeks? It’s just like anything these days. They will over saturate your options to the point where you’ll have no choice but to pick up something. I mean, one of these new series has to be good right? Well, I’m not looking for good. I’m not interested in ‘myneh, that was okay’. I want great. I want ‘ooh, blank just dropped a new issue, yes!’ The comics below all fit the bill. As the guy from the Insta Account of ‘LA in a Minute’ would say “Let’s get into it!’

 

12. Defenders (2022) - This old school cosmic dimensional hopping mishmash team-up by Al Ewing & Javier Rodriguez brought back all the feels of those mind bending Marvel acid trips comics of the 60s and 70s. In a year of Marvisney misfires this one hit the mark dead center. Speaking of Marvisney, honorable mention to Daredevil (2022) which has been consistently great for years but has unfortunately gone downhill as of late. 

 

11. Chicken Devil - Nothing special about the plot but something special about the execution. This fast food co-owner/ average Joe/family guy pushed to the brink by the Russian Mob over a drug deal misunderstanding was a splatter fest that was spicy enough to stay on everyone's pull. In a year where you wanted to go out into public and go ballistic I'm sure we all now wonder if wearing a Chicken Suit will help us get away with it. How this is not a Streaming TV Show by now is beyond me.

 

 

10. Love Everlasting - Love! Romance! A time traveling   saga, a heartbreaking mess. Gimme Gimme Gimme. More Love! I love me some wooing and some smooch smooching and Tom King and new art superstar Elsa Charretier delivered the goods. I’m fascinated by what the hell is going on even though I don’t know what the hell is going on with Joan and all these dudes who either wanna kill her or marry her but I must find out. After Tom King’s triple time-lined Batman/Catwoman debacle he bounced back with this heart thumping winner. Grab it and demand more smooches and lovey dovey stuff in comics.

 

9. Pearl III - Michael Gaydos should probably get an Artist of the Year Award. What's next Mr. G? I will follow you anywhere you go. Bendis kept upping the ante on this phenomenal Yakuza Tat Artist Boss Babe story for three arcs in a row. The final installment of this series had enough twists and eye popping layouts to satisfy even the hardest of hardcore Tattoo Yakuza Frisco Tokyo Petite Albino Bad Ass lovers out there. A Streaming Show HAS to be on its way soon. If not, umm, hello? Stream. My TV. Soon.

 

8. Robin & Batman - I was super psyched when I saw that Lemire/Nguyen, the same team behind the perfectly done Descender/Ascender series, were doing a Robin Batman series and they did not disappoint. A unique twist on the Robin origin story that might bring a few tears to your eyes if you’re not careful. As for other great Batman books this year Honorable mention to White Knight by Sean Murphy and One Dark Knight by Jock which brought a rock em sock em Gotham black out tale to an electric life.

 

7. Echolands - J.H. Williams III and W. Haden Blackman literally turned the comic world on its side and created a horizontal book filled with all the amazing layouts you’ve come to crave since they dropped them in the classic New 52 Batwoman series. The story is nothing to write home about but the visual style blender is so visually holy fuckamoley good you don’t care. Plus the reveal of his insane vinyl collection in the back that provided the soundtrack to the creation of the book will probably make you cry over the piddly vinyl collection you just started recently.

 

6. King Conan (2022) - The Best Conan story in like forever. Probably the best since Brian Wood’s epic Dark Horse run. An emotional gut punch of a Father Son story paired with a ‘You have to team up with your mortal arch enemy Wizard wack job to defeat an island of zombies’ story. Leave it to Marvisney to screw everything up and cancel not only this series but Conan completely. Crom willing Titan Publishing will get it right when it starts Conan back up next year. In the meantime this is a six issue Conan run that will stand the test of time.

 

5. The Good Asian - A riveting Chinatown Detective story that overflowed with heart, history and heat. There was nothing like this series on the racks before, during and probably won't be anything like it long after the trades come out. What really made this series extra special was all the backmatter that included so many great interviews and historical references from those who experienced this part of America. It really rounded this book into an experience not to be missed.

4. Primordial - Sniffle. This one got me good. If you’re a doggie owner good luck in not bawling at the finale of this space traveling time bending tale. My goodness, I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall at this pitch meeting with Jeff Lemire ‘Two monkeys and a doggie in an inter-dimensional spaceship come home’ What??? GTFO. I’m not sure my Diva Doggie would’ve done well on this ship. She barely handles being stuffed like a pocketbook underneath an airline seat. 

 

 

 

3. Step by Bloody Step  - A book with no translatable dialogue. Instead it gave you so many beautiful haunting indelible images you realized that words would have just mucked up the genius. There are moments in this series that still stay with me months after I put it down. A truly unique tale. I won’t even begin to try and describe the story just grab the trade, take a seat and let this gorgeous work take you away on a fantastic journey.
 

 

 

 

2. Aquaman: Andromeda - Wait, an Aquaman book was better than all the other Batman books I read this year? Yes. Yes it was. Ram V and Christian Ward were a masterful duo that dragged you down to the depths of their combined genius and dared you to want to leave. Christian Ward is a beast when it comes to colors and his signature artistic style was made for this ‘Crew seeks out crashed Alien Ship’ tale. Ram V’s Aquaman was mystical, mysterious and deeply human. I was enthralled by every single page. A truly majestic perfectly woven story. Wow.

 

 

1. Catwoman: Lonely City - What if a villain, way past her prime, gets released from jail and tries to recapture her past glory while solving the mystery of her lover/rival? This was the alternative universe born out of the brilliant mind of Cliff Chiang who found the perfect future self for a host of villains including Poison Ivy, Killer Croc (who looked like a goombah in a Lower East Side bar. Of course he was a Mets fan lol) and the Riddler; all a little creakier and paunchier and all a lot more sympathetic. The finale was masterfully done with dire consequences for all. This was a triumph in every aspect of the medium and Chiang better have multiple books coming out in 2023.

Okay. I said Top 12. But I HAVE TO mention one of the greatest comic books I've ever experienced. An over the top Wow Fest. A Most Honorable and High Exalted Mention of the Year goes to...

 

 

Wonderwoman: Historia - Due to it’s protracted release schedule from last year to the end of this year (final issue just came out this week) it’s hard to call this 3 issue series a true 2022 comic; but oh what a comic it is. Actually this wasn’t really a comic, it was an event. I mean, I’ve never seen anything like this before. An Epic Deified Origin Story that laid waste to all epic origin stories that came before it. It harkened back to the spectacular Azzarello/Chiang Wonder Woman run of the New 52 a decade prior where The Gods were an integral part of the story and just blew the whole thing to the heavens and beyond. My God. Read this. A truly jaw dropping work by Kelly Sue DeConnick and three dazzling artists.

2022 was the year DC Black Label knocked it out of the fucking park. A complete moon shot, with titles I would never in a million years purchase let alone at the price points that they had them at. Yet with the talent they put together plus the stories and sublime art that poured into the pages of this holy moly triumvirate, this imprint went above and beyond what any Comic Geek could hope for. Take notes Marvel! Not to be outdone, Image continues to pump out eye blazing books month after month, year after year. Just get BKV and Staples back on their desks please and keep them there? Let's not have Saga go until 2087 mmmkay?

That’s it people!  Thanks for coming along or popping in every now and then to this page. I’m having a lot of fun with it and I see no reason to stop ranting and raving about these little mags filled with sequential art and words. In a world and time where the big things seem so much larger than they are, it’s the little things that remind you to take a breath, pull up a chair, and let your imagination run free.

As Billy Ray Valentine said in Trading Places: Merry New Year!