MIRACLEMAN: THE SILVER AGE #4 - Review

 

 

No other way of putting this, It’s been a really rough start to the world of comic books in 2023. I mean, what the hell is going on out there??? Is it just me? Does it seem like they’ve pulled a switcheroo on us? It’s as if we were going to a farmer’s market to get these delicious mangos every weekend but all of a sudden the mangos taste horrible but the dude at the market with the chapped ruddy skin and a wad of bills in his hand is like ‘Waddya mean, it’s the same mango!’ It is not the same mango and it is not the same comic book universe. Did something happen with all these stories of multiple timelines and multiverses where they accidentally switched places with one of their multiverses where all the comic books are mediocre?

 

If I was to get all corporate and put on a monkey suit and masonic tie/noose around my neck so that I could assess the first quarter of comic book solicits I would come back and notate this one phrase on my quarterly review: There be slim pickins. What has been great so far? Truly great? Don’t say Saga. Saga has become like the show ‘Cheers’ in its heyday. Every episode is an enjoyable experience and a comfort zone for your life; you can count on it delivering the goods. It’s not changing the landscape of TV or shattering the mold it’s just doing what it does best. BKV and Fiona found their formula, it’s brilliant and it can go for a century if they so choose. But it’s not necessarily at that ‘Awe inspiring great wow level’ that is turning your world upside down. The only thing I can think of that has even come close to a Wow this year was ‘A Vicious Circle’ which actually came out at the very end of last year but has yet to deliver issue 2 of 3. That’s it. I say all this because one of the potential ‘Wow Books’ of the year was this one. Gaiman and Buckingham were supposed to deliver a story for the ages as they took up the mantle of Double M. Their first installment was nothing short of a WTF and the one after was a gigantic ginormous ‘Mnyeh, that was aight’.

 

So as I sat down in my perfect comic reading environment with a perfectly made cup of pour over organic coffee, a gluten free twinkie and my doggie nestled by my side I looked at the current issue of MiracleMan and said ‘Oh for goodness sake, would you fucking be amazing already!’ First things first: This Variant Cover rocks.

 

Don’t get me started on the absurdity of the variant cover market and how ridiculous the prices are. Real quick, if you make poop, and then say hey, I’m going to put this poop out there but you’ll only be able to find this poop in 1 of 125 or 1 of 250 comic books, well guess what? When you get lucky enough to find it or pay through the nose for it I have some bad news for you: it’s still poop. Just because it’s scarce doesn’t mean it’s valuable. It’s called artificial scarcity my friends and they are raking your wallets across the coals over it. That said: I absolutely looooove all these faux action figure comic book covers. Love Love Love. Here’s a thought: Why can’t these be real?

 

You want to milk us for our complete paycheck for a variant then why can’t these action figures be real? Why isn’t this MiracleMan action figure able to be purchased with this comic??? Look how cool it is, I want it! How hard can that be? My goodness every previewsworld I look at has dozens of new action figures why can’t the marketing departments get themselves together over some wings at Buffalo Wild Wings one Friday afternoon and figure out how to release actual action figures with these action figure variants? How amazing would that be?!? Dude. I would pay like, I dunno, $25 for a DoubleM Action Figure and this comic, does that sound about right? Maybe $30, possibly $40 but no more. There, you’ve sapped me of a chunk of change over something that probably costs $5 to make. Do it! Make our geeky dreams come true. Look, there’s awful soul sucking evil marketing schemes and then there are ones where there is joy, giddiness and a free flowing exchange of currency for widget. Make It so people. Dammit I want the DoubleM in this cover! Anyway.

 

As for this issue Gaiman was smart enough to revisit the alien world of the Qys and the Warpsmiths which immediately reminded us of the epic grandeur of what this book has been. Is it me or does the Qys chick look like Portman’s Padme Amidala from Star Wars? Check it out:

 

 

 

Pretty sure Double M and the Qys came out before this installment of Star Wars so either Gaiman gets a real Wookie in his house as a payoff or maybe Gaiman has been guaranteed to pen a new Star Wars Tale where Han Solo becomes Hannah Solo, C3PO gets tits and the exhaust fumes of every spaceship will spit out a rainbow. At any rate, I really love the Alien aspect of this book. Maybe the Qys chick saying that 'Things are weird' was Gaiman's way of acknowledging how wonky the series start was, one can only hope. Feels like he was doubling back in this issue especially with Hagrid/MisterMaster questioning Dicky D and his Dicky D name which is what I'm sure all of us would do if we ever met the kid...

 

Me: Seriously Dicky?  Dude, you think that's your real name? 

 

Dicky: But it's all I know, it's who I am

 

Me: Hulk Hogan's name is Terry. Dirk Diggler's names is Eddie Adams, got it? You either have a wrestler's name or a porn name but it's not real homie.

Dicky: [Blank Stare]

Me: I think that MiracleWoman chick who looks like Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct is your problem bro, she's fuckin' wit Double M. You needs to confront her ass.

Dicky: [Blank Stare]

Me: Dude, she told Double M to kiss you, it wasn't his idea. She's after the MM Throne. This is like some Shakespeare shit but with tights and a guy who ruined a show called 'The Sandman'.

Dicky: [Blank Stare]

 

Me: So imagine if you watched a TV show of your life but you looked like Beyonce and MiracleMan was being played by Greta Thunberg, you'd be pretty annoyed right?

Dicky: I don't understand.

Me: Can you make me the action figure on this comic? Let's start there.

 

Gaiman and Buckingham then go all Retro Comic Book vibe for the second half of this book and introduce Johnny Bates as...Young Nastyman! What??? I wanna be Young Nastyman! I think I was actually, black and yellow tights notwithstanding. There's gotta be a spinoff after this is done, the Exploits of Young Nastyman! A streaming show! An immersive experience! A burger pop-up, young nasty burgers! Some fancy shmancy Japanese Anime figurine company needs to release thei $500 Young Nastyman 1:4 action figure! This world needs Young Nastyman! 

The final panel of Double M looking at a looking glass at the retro comic art and then gazing out into the stars is just perfect. I got a little verklempt just reading it. Aww, it's good, it's really good, sniffle. Phew. Okay, Neil, you done did it. You got this book back in the saddle and I'm all in for the rest of the ride. This is what brilliant writers do and there's never been any question as to Neil's pedigree.  Of course it could all go hooey kablooey by next issue so I'm gonna hold off for as long as I can before reading the next installment.

In the meantime, who do I talk to about getting that Action Figure made? 

Rating: 8.9

Verdict: Pull. Yay.

MONSTRESS #43 - Review

 

Are we at the point with Monstress where it’s become nothing but Art Gallery material? I can imagine seeing the art in this book at one of those Culver City Art Gallery Openings where it’s painted on large pieces of wood and plastered over the walls in no particular order. Everybody sipping on their two buck chuck wine and nibbling on week old carrots and broccoli florets would ooh and ah and pose near them but in no way would they think there was an actual story behind them - unless of course you were tripping balls. I would love to go to a 'Monstress Gallery Opening'. Wow. I mean. I'd probably set a record for 'How many Artsy Fartsy Asian Girls can reject you in an Hour' and I'd be proud of it.

 

Sana Takeda’s art has consistently been gorgeous, surreal and unique but the story is officially off the rails. Honestly, the story probably went off the rails twenty or so issues ago when the ‘War’ began but now it’s crumpled into a heap releasing toxic fumes into my head. I bet you Norfolk Southern Rail/Black Rock was reading this comic before deciding how to go about derailing all of its trains around the country. Look, Monstress has always been Batshit Crazy, in a good way, but now it’s a combo of a Fiery Latina on a Drinking & Hallucinogenic Binge while she's TikkyTokkaWocckaing and watching Mainstream News 24/7 kinda Batshit Crazy.

 

I think it’s time to figure out what’s going on with Marjorie Liu. Is everything all right in her world? Is she going through a break-up of some kind? Does she have it out for someone at Image? Is she and Sana developing a little rivalry? Like were they at a Con and more people were gushing over Sana than her? So did Marjorie think ‘Fine bitch, draw these Batshit crazy words, since you’re oooh, sooo talented and gifted’. First of all, let’s consider the fact that Marge is a certified wow comic babe:

 

I mean, cmon, this is like if Fiona Staples went Victoria’s Secret on us. This is the kind of girl who would want nothing to do with me or any of you comic book geeks out there. No frikkin’ way. This girl doesn’t date down she dates up. She’s probably had boyfriends named Bjorn, Mattheus or Kingsley. I’m not going to assume she’s always been straight either so if she’s dated chicks they’re the kind of chicks who are super intelligent yet spell their names wrong like Lysa, Karlee or Jynnipher. Well, turns out Marj has been with the incomparable bad-ass novelist Junot Diaz for over a decade. Junot fits into the whole ‘odd yet elevated’ name theory of who a girl like this would be dating, so ha I was right. So, are Junot and Marj quibbling? Everything okay in the land of amazing writers?

 

Look, clearly Margie is smart enough to understand how to plot a comic book series. Listen to her here clearly speaking about that very fact in this interview of her:

 

So it’s not like she doesn’t know what she’s doing but this story has veered off into the eye bleeding land of Jodorosky. You know, the 70s filmmaker who took a kettle full of drugs and acid, wandered onto a set or two and called himself a director. Yeesh, God forbid you tell a cinephile that his film ‘Holy Mountain’ is better at putting people to sleep than Valerian Root and Ambien, you’ll find yourself in a van with ex-CIA Agents and ten sheets full of acid with the Grateful Dead Bear waving at you.

 

What’s the big deal Issac? I thought you like wacky out there stuff. I do. But, I like to be able to follow it. Let’s just recap the past couple of issues shall we? Well, we had a year plus (or more I lost track) of this interminable insufferable war narrative that sucked the air out of this title like an AA Meeting being held in the middle of Mardi Gras. Then our lead gets captured and poked, prodded and sucked on by lizards or whatever while all these wackadoodle scenes in dreamland/fantasyland/candyland take place while she’s unconscious. The feisty anime fox and the flying backstabbing emo cat decide to astral travel (are you even following this) to wake up our lead in astral travel land. The ancient God in our lead becomes a floating orb in deep space where the fox, the cat, the floating conscious head of our lead and her inner child represented by a visual of her as a child stand on the orb of the God while it blinks its ancient God eye.

 

Oh, there’s more, a floating cat monolith (my goodness Marj & Juno must have an aerial circus of cats at their place) appears in deep space and opens up its floating cat belly to reveal a void where they all jump into. It turns out it’s a prison world of Ancient Gods, it feels more like a wacky Star Trek planet. Meanwhile, I’m not sure who’s consciousness is actually here. Our lead’s floating head which is now tethered to our ancient God gets chomped on by a canine looking God. The big cliffhanger is a God Convict who was apparently put in God Prison by the Monstress Ancient God (Was he a lawyer? is this Law & Order WTF?)  Now God Convict is all pissed and staring down Monstress God like he’s Grossberger staring down Gene Wilder in Stir Crazy. Did you follow all that??? Meanwhile, I have NO fucking idea where we are in relation to everrrrrything that has happened for 40 issues. Dude.

 

Again, I am all for Batshit Crazyville as long as I can follow a base narrative. It feels like Miss Liu has forgotten to take the basic breakdown of how to plot a comic that she in fact gave from the vid above. I mean, there’s no way I’m dropping this title. I’ve put about 170 smackers down so far to keep up with this fever dream. Is this the sacrifice you have to make if you want a comic book series to last more than 12 issues? You have to have your eyes peeled back like Malcolm McDowell in A Clockwork Orange so you can slowly watch the story you’ve come to love slowly go up in flames?

 

Funnily enough Sana Takeda drew the exact reaction I had after finishing this book in this issue:

 

Well, I did a little digging on Ms. Liu and I found this interview she did with EW a little while ago. EW, hahaha, remember when we all subscribed to them as an actual magazine and let their issues pile up near our couch until we used them as a side table for our coffee? She had this to say:

 

How do I put this? Life is nothing but one long exorcism, basically. And by that, I mean, we come into this world as ourselves, and then everything gets heaped on us. There's intergenerational trauma, there's personal trauma, there's anxiety, there's fear, there's all of that. I don't mean literal demonic exorcisms, but I just mean that as we go through life, we're always trying to expel these things. We're always trying to heal, if we can. If we're even aware of it…

 

…Part of the healing, what's helped me anyway, is having compassion for oneself and having compassion for those ghosts, having compassion for those wounds and saying, "All right, you know what? This is what I've got to deal with, and there's no reason to hate myself for it. There's no reason to be angry at myself. This is just what it is." And so, when I'm working on Monstress, I'm thinking about ghosts and thinking about monsters, but I'm also thinking about... Well, what is the path to healing? How does one reintegrate? How does one heal? How does one become your full self? 

 

Sigh. Dammit. Well said SkipToMyLiu, well said. Now I feel bad. Awww, my little bonkers Monstress comic, I never want you to end! Okay fine, so I jumped through a Space Cat Belly and we’re now in Prison God World with the head of our cute Riot Grrrrl’s Head floating around while Foxy and the Flying Pussy are still in Astral Travel world. Sure. Gotcha. No problem. I’ll be here next month. Hmm, I don’t do acid but the fizzy blue Kombucha that I like gets me tripping balls if I drink it too fast. I guess I'll have that on hand for issue 44 so I can get in the mood.

Rating: 6.3

Verdict: Pull and watch El Topo

WHAT'S THE FURTHEST PLACE FROM HERE #11 - Review

Oh fer goodness sake. Really? Like, are you kidding me. Seriously? Like, what the fuck guys? RoseyBoss, c’mon what the hell is going on with you dudes and this comic? Are you intentionally trying to torpedo this book? It started off so very very well, for a protracted amount of time, like a good six plus issues and then…what? You didn’t expect to have to write more so you ran off to Tulum with a sack of drugs while other Comic Book people did backstories for you for 3-4 months? Did you even come back from your ‘shroom escapade? Did AI write this issue for you? That’s a totally legit question. People, I think we need to start realizing and accepting the fact that AI is slowly encroaching into the world of creativity. It is going to get harder and harder to differentiate AI visual art, literature, music or any story for that matter versus Organic Earthling stuff. So, are we at ‘What’s the Furthest Place from Human Thought’ with issue eleven?

 

If Roseypants and T-Boss actually did write this book, I mean, do we need to go back to Creative Writing and Narrative 101 with you guys? Like, has everyone gotten so lost in the ideas and overarching themes and ‘wouldn’t this be cool if we did this’ type of approach that they forgot how to craft a fucking story? There was a story here, a good one, I have no idea where the fuck it went.

 

So, let’s recap.  You wrote a riveting interesting story for 6 issues, you had vinyl variants, you had a cast of hipster losers in a vinyl shop living in this peculiar post apocalyptic yadda yadda world. Then you stopped. You had other people write and draw back stories for several issues. Which is totally fucking nuts, nobody writes 4 backstories in a row but whatever. One of them was actually fascinating and clued me into the mechanisms of your world. Okay, great. I’m into it again. The last issue was kind of a like a back issue since you showed us the path that a character took who was introduced in issue one and who we haven’t seen since issue one.

 

You finally come back and, what, where the hell are we? What’s going on right now? Why am I in a forest with this punk character whose Mohawk is always perfectly coifed and shaved on the sides? What happened to him again? He’s been sliced open, how again? Guys, you realize that the last time we were in the actual present time story it was around last Thanksgiving? Who do you guys think you are? The Cosby Show in its heyday? The Milton Berle Show? You think it’s 1955 and you’re the only show in town? So we’ll be waiting with baited breath for your return as we pore over your back issues that you clearly think are sitting right next to us, feathered out one by one on our couch? I don’t remember what the fuck is going on here!!! You used to have a character list on the inside of the cover, where did that go? Maybe give us a blurb, a ‘hey a quick little recap’. Give me the option of hitting ‘Skip’ on the previous episode recap at least. This is 2023 guys! Everybody’s got 50 stories they’re following at one time not to mention all the mind numbing neatly manicured pix and vids they take in from people who they think are their friends but who will refuse to ever see them in person.

 

I’m not reading one comic a month I’m reading 20! Well, more like 12 since Marvisney refuses to put out readable content on paper that doesn’t wilt in your hands like a liquefied banana peel.

 

Look, I don’t wanna be this asshole comic book review guy. I’m not sitting here with my vintage Spidey shirt on that barely covers my hairy paunch while I’m sipping on flat Mountain Dew with a bunch of pork rind crumbs on my collar. Dragon Ball Z is not playing in the background of my bachelor apartment in Korea Town. A bunch of 53 terabyte flash drives of porn are not laying strewn around my floor. I’m not that angry at the world guy. I’m the antithesis of that guy! I want you to be great. I want to read amazing comics. I want Marvel to be sold to someone who knows how to steer the ship of a great comic book universe. I’ve dropped 40 plus bux on this book RoseyBossmearound! Four. Oh. I’m invested mmkay? So. Stop. Fucking. Around. Write. The Fucking. Story!!!

 

Nooo, we don’t get story this issue, we get wild crazy half naked people in a forest with animal heads on their heads and a chick who goes ‘Clk Clk Clk’ instead of spitting out actual dialogue. You can’t do these self contained disparate seemingly disconnected issues if you intend to continue to put out a monthly. If it’s a trade, fine, this could work, so then write the damn trade and leave my desire for a drip drip once a month serial sequential art fix alone! Leave it alone!

 

Were you guys lying naked on your backs on a stone floor in a hotel in Havana doing ‘pot shroom brownie enemas’ and as the fudgy hallucinogenic traveled up your bungholes you thought:

 

Dude, remember when we were in camp and we fantasized about Trish the Arts and Craft chick pinning us down in our tents and taking our virginity?

 

Dude, no way, I totally do. We should make that into a comic book.

 

Dude, what if she looked like a Gopher Goddess?

 

Dude, I always pictured her as a Gopher Goddess.

 

And granted, the panels of the Gopher Chipmunk Squirrel Head chick ripping off her boob wrapping to hop naked on the Mohawk dude in the tent is good stuff by me. Who wouldn’t want a chick who goes Clk Clk Clk with perky boobies to bust into your serene boring night of camping out to wildly ravish you. But that’s all you got here, okay? Wild survivalist forest dude meets prehistoric-vibe half naked clan and falls for Barbara Bach in a Squirrel head. I’m going to believe she looks like Barbara Bach from the Ringo Starr ‘Caveman’ movie if that’s alright by you. Knowing you sickos if the gopher head fell off we’d see Elizabeth Warren and her clk clk would turn into ‘Me Cherokee, Apache, Sioux Sioux and the Banshees’ which would kill my morning wood for a month.

I see what you were trying to do with the ending. It wasn't a slam dunk that connected this issue to the main narrative. It was more of a half court shot that hit the top of the backboard. Maybe for the next several issues you should recreate the Napster site and have us download MP3s of the songs these hipster losers love for free. That would be a good gimmick. Make it so that they only download at 14.4kpbs so we can revisit the good ol days when we would sit for hours and stare at those percentage bars slooooowly increase as we waited for that bootleg Led Zeppelin gig from the Playboy Mansion where they conjured a demon into John Denver.

Cuz that's what you guys have now, a gimmick. I'm sticking around. I believe in this wacky book despite it pooping on my eyes for the past 5 months. Put the shroom brownies down, remove the enema tube and let's get back to knocking out a conclusion/climax to whatever the hell this is. In the meantime, if you could point me in the direction for the inspiration to your Gopher Babe I'd appreciate it. Lemme guess, she's on OkCupid. Sunavabitch. I hate that damn dating site. She's probably also on AdultFriendFinder also if you look hard enough. Yeah, not worth it. I did a little China CCP Search for Gopher Babe and found an insta site that had this pic on it:

Is this where you guys got this character from? Do you know the Black Cloak Comic chicks who are doing the Mermaid thing right now? Can we expect a hybrid book from all of you, 'Gophermaids?' I'd read that and buy all the variants in a heartbeat.

Rating: 5.7

Verdict: Grumble...pull, dammit.

DAREDEVIL #8 - Review & Break-Up

You can’t date two Actresses at a time. Doesn’t work. They will find out and ruin your life. It may not be immediate but they will find you and haunt your existence until you feel immeasurable pain, suffering and you develop an incurable case of paranoia. You will start seeing them appear in random places. Did whatshername just pick up somebody in an Uber across the street? Is whatshername peeking around the corner of the hummus refrigerator at Whole Foods at me? I could’ve sworn I just saw whatshername looking at me from underneath a desk at the DMV office. You will come to find out that all of those appearances were real and while you find her slicing your tires in a parking garage the first thing you’ll ask is ‘Who do you know at the DMV and can you waive my late fees?’.

 

So knowing that, what you definitely can’t do is date two Famous Actresses at the same time. Duh. So if you’re dating Aubrey Plaza you sure as hell better not be seeing Chloe Grace Moretitz at the same time, either on the down low or half-assedly. One or both will end your career and it will feel like every time you go out or walk around LA people will look at you like you’re Harvey Weinstein walking around in a speedo while squeezing imaginary asses. This is what Chip Zdarsky has been doing for the past year or so. He’s dating two Titans of the comic industry and it clearly has backfired on him. Batman was a shit show from day one and now Daredevil, good ol’ reliable Daredevil, can’t fail Daredevil, the one constant yee haw that emitted from the Marvisney bunghole of death has turned into its own crime scene of plot, story and character arcs. I can hear most of you disagreeing with me. You’re wrong. You’re being blinded by Marco Checchetto’s staggeringly beautiful art. But just like a 10 who you might be dating, you can’t condone behavior that rips your heart out and makes your pee miss the toilet due to the shakes and anxiety you feel because of her.

 

The fact that Double D is so popular now feels the same way that an Actress who you’re dating all of a sudden becomes popular. Now she’s at all the fancy parties and premieres. She’s not playing darts with you at a dive bar on a Tuesday night. She’s not snuggling up with you on a Saturday afternoon asking you to explain why the Knicks choke during the playoffs. She’s hobknobbing with the HootsieTootsies of La La Land. She doesn’t have time to taste your Matcha Olive Oil Coffee Cake. She’s getting hotter and sexier with all the ooh la la Beverly Hills treatments and Energy Work that’s being done on her by the Ayahuasca Hippies and Shamans in Topanga Canyon…but she’s losing her soul. She can’t even introduce you as who you are anymore. She says ‘This is my boyfriend, he’s a – Creative’ She can’t say that you’re in an Improv Group or that you’re still working your material out in open mics, ewww, gross. You don't recognize her anymore. I don't recognize DD anymore. He looks like a bearded hipster grump from Silverlake who sits on a toilet for hours while scrolling through survival meal kit websites.

 

There’s just no way around it anymore. It’s time to break up Daredevil. We’ve been together for, gosh, how many years now? 15 straight? Maybe more? On and off for 25? Aww, remember those Marvel Knights days, sigh, you were such a brilliant beast. Ooh, remember when Kevvy Smithy (when he hadn’t lost all sense of reality like his recent Dark Horse Poop Fest) was writing the hot pants off of you along with the Mack of all Macks, David Mackaroonski back in the late 90s? Oh Double D, I’m not really a Double D kinda guy, more like a C kinda guy, we’ve been through a lot. It’s ironic that as Satan has turned the Marvel brand into a bonfire of balderdash the one hero who wasn’t tarnished by his brimstone breath was Daredevil. Perhaps that was by design. It began with such a flourish of genius. Chip, the new Comic Scribe Darling, was clicking on all cylinders but something happened along the way. Did DC pilfer half of his brain with their Bats offer to sabotage his work at Beelzebub’s Workshop? Did he just get too big for his britches?

 

I feel like Daredevil was always a secondary character who minded his own business and his own neighborhood and stayed the hell away from all the drama that the high profile tights crowd got themselves into. That all changed with the ridiculously unbelievably amazing Netflix Daredevil TV Show which I would say piggybacked on the jaw dropping wow run that Mark Waid began back in the early 2010s. Now DD is prime time and a supposed tent pole of Marvisney and it’s no bueno. I kinda feel like it all went downhill after the Devil’s Reign mega event of last year. Clearly I had zero interest in reading it since all mega events are just mega cash grabs intended to pump up sagging sales of weaker titles that you’d never read in a million years. But after Chip came back after the story schmooze fest DD started to tank. Look, the ‘Island of the Hand in the Fist of your Evil Anus’ storyline was a great idea but something has been way off from the get with this book since the first issue after the mega event. Maybe Chip rebelled against Satan and resisted the Mega Event? Maybe they took Chip out, cloned him and it’s the Chip Clone who’s been writing DD the past 6 months? I’m trying to figure out how it’s possible to ruin an infallible title other than the fact that the stink that began in Bats has seeped over into Double D and it’s just not possible to write two ENORMOUS HERO stories at the same time.

 

Come to think of it, I’m wondering how Chip became the go-to for the Tights Crowd anyway? Like, when you were taking in his art in Sex Criminals (one of the greatest comics of all time hands down) and there was an oversized cum shot that looked like an Anime Chick on a mushroom cloud did you think ‘Dude, this Anime Cum Shot artist should write the main Batman Title and Daredevil!’ 

 

 

 

Yes, that white thing above is a Jizz creation. Maybe Matt Fraction, wherever the hell he is right now, needs to tell the dominatrix that’s got a heel in his nostril to take five as he texts his ‘Chum’

 

Hey man, we need to get back to Brimping (banging a clump of hair) and Time Shattering Orgasms again.

 

I wanted to stick with Double D but this book, despite Marco’s eye popping art, has just continually descended into an unreadable mess. I let Issue #7 sit there for a long time so I could cool off and dive back into what I hoped would be a serious ramp up to the long awaited ‘Battle Issue’ but issue 7 was putrid on so many levels. Why? Two bit crooks stealing the spotlight? The entire DD crew leaves the biggest battle island of the comic book universe to deal with a bunch of people being evicted from an apartment building??? Stilt man, STILT MAN, saves a litle girl? Some purple carnage looking ghost rider chick being trained by Elektra to channel her anger? And then finally, the Punisher and his evil clan kidnap the two-bit crook’s kid which ends up being the ultimate trigger to finally begin the battle that we’ve been waiting for since last summer. This is the trigger???? They kidnap a kid? It’s not that they’re the most evil death cult on the planet? It’s not that they taken out all the world leaders and replaced them with puppets that turn to sand when you hit them? It’s not that Elektra’s on the run because of her supposedly murdering a President? It’s not because of a Book of Prophecy that Stick carries around with him like he’s about to go on a crusade with Dr Strange in a wormhole to Medieval Europe where he plans to blindly bang the text into thousands of ancient coochies? Nooooo, the last straw was ‘Aww how could you take this cute lil’ blonde kid Frank?’ REALLY?

 

If this really is the most influential Death Clan on the planet and Double D is Satan’s tentpole don’t you think that the Avengers would actually get involved instead of a bunch of criminal misfits? Don’t you think they’d be a little more proactive than sitting around a surveillance monitor saying (for what feels like the third time) we need to take Daredevil out? Fisk wants to be major of New York?? Well that needs to be covered in 75 comic books. An evil legendary death cult has a Dragon and has pulled the levers on all the power brokers on the world’s political stage, that’s a job for Hank Dastardly from Queens and Geno Muttley from Yonkers??? That’s allz I can standz and I can’t standz no more!

 

Issue 8 was just a big waste of Marco’s class on how to draw the shit out of a dragon and a battle between good and evil. I honestly could not follow Chip, or clone Chip’s, text. I reread the issue a couple of times and the entire thing is a huge letdown to me. It just felt so, I dunno, canned? It felt like AI wrote it. Like if you went to ChatDOUBLED and asked it to write the penultimate battle issue in this run this is what it would spit out. Maybe that’s it, maybe they uploaded Chip’s consciousness to an AI mainframe and AI has been writing this series. Ya know, I wouldn’t be surprised if AI was writing all of Marvisney’s titles at this point. If Stegron is making an appearance in your long awaited issues I think it’s time you tweak the programming guys. Honestly, I can’t put my finger on it. I can’t tell you in a succinct clearly defined line of reasoning why Marvel has descended into such a dung heap of drivel; but it has. Everything just feels off. And believe me, I look at all their solicits and new series and go under the hood with all of them; something is wrong with the Kingdom of Comic Books.

 

Can we honestly blame Disney? What is Disney? A corporate international entertainment conglomerate who wants to sell sell sell sell, nothing wrong with that. However it can’t be denied that since the Marvel takeover it’s been a steady decline on my pull list of marvel titles. What used to be a consistent drop of genius from the Marvel brand has dried up. Is it the talent? The editorial staff? The corporate overlords? I can’t say. The last brilliant offerings that I can think of offhand from Marvel was Ta Nehisi Coates ‘Black Panther Run’, Fraction’s ‘Hawkeye Run’, Kaare Andrews ‘Iron Fist Run’, all the ‘Moon Knight’ runs with Bendis, Maleev, Ellis, Wood and Lemire and of course, everrrrything Daredevil since the Knicks were last in the Championship back in 1999. As also stated in my Best Comic Books of 2022 I was into their initial Defenders run and their six issues of King Conan was the best Conan story in years...which of course they cancelled...dumb asses.

Now? Nuthin’ and it’s not okay. Just like in sports we need teams like the Yankees and the Lakers to be good; it’s good for the league. So we need Marvel and DC to not only be good but great. It’s not enough for Image to carry the torch and be a creative power publishing house; throwing spaghetti ideas at the market every month. We need the Big 2 to be the King 2. DC has been holding up its end with last year’s Black Label titles but other than that it be slim pickins.

 

There was a great article written several months ago by Brandon Schatz and Danica LeBlanc about the state of the comic book industry. Definitely worth a read:

 

The Indirect Market is Gonna Suck but it Doesn't Have To

 

A lot of great points and insights. I'll respectfully disagree with the notion that raising all comics to $4.99 a pop is going to send readers away. I obviously can't speak for everyone, but Yo! If a comic is worth it I'll drop the funds. You think I had any problem  dropping 8 bones a pop for CatWoman Lonely City or WonderWoman: Historia? Nope and Nope. I've said this before, I think Marvisney needs their own Black Labelish thang. If they came out with a Bendis Maleev Daredevil Reunion in Prestige format for $10 a pop I'd be all over it! I'm not gonna trip over 5 measly ducats if it means something special.

I think we’re at the point that when comic books just become a cog in the machine that is an entertainment factory we have a problem. They can’t just be a slave class to your over arching multimedia empire, they must exist on their own and interact in a mutually beneficial symbiotic relationship with the empire; that’s not happening now. If what the article above says is true then perhaps the expiration of a bunch of licenses for many Marvel Characters could force Satan to renegotiate or relinquish these properties. It’s probably a long shot at best. The fact that Disney is selling off a bunch of its streaming titles is probably a good thing.

 

If you ask me, we need an Elon Musk moment. Not Elon but someone who truly loves and believes in comic books as an art form and vows to support and sustain the industry in and of itself. I think we’re at the point where we have to hope that Disney and AT&T (or whomever owns DC) somehow sells the rights. We need a billionaire comic book collector, is that even a thing, to come in and make them an offer they can’t refuse. Maybe even do some Mafioso strong arming, maybe even get a Fed or two involved, I dunno. Otherwise we may be looking at the slow burn of a dying direct to Local Comic Shop industry. We may be looking at, God forbid, an all digital or Trade market. Independent publishers will probably continue comics in some physical form but those will be the exception, a novelty, not the norm. We need the Big 2 to demand the sustainability and creative freedom that the world of comic books should be. I feel like suits fear that kids and eventual new consumers of content will only want stuff that is convenient and easily consumable. If it's not on a phone nobody will want it. I reject that notion. There is something about holding a book in your hands that will never be replaced. There is something about turning a page that can't be replicated. You can either celebrate that with the new generation or give into the fear that they wouldn't want that. Books will always be special. Comic Book issues will always be special. Digital will neverrrr replace both.

 

As for Daredevil, buh bye. I’m sure I’ll hop back on when you christen a new team with a new number one in September or whenever. But, and this extremely important my fellow comic geeks and daters out there, know this: “YOU CAN’T DATE POTENTIAL”. Capische? You can’t buy a title because you hope that it will get better based solely on the brand. You can’t date a babe based on your hope that she lives up to her inner Zen delightful Yoga Hottie while she continually steals your debit card so she can take all her besties out for sushi at Katsuya. Ya gotta cut the cord. I’m cutting it.

 

Disney stock is at 94 today. Whaddya think it needs to tank to? 50? 40? When do they sell Marvel off? Because one day they will, they’ll grow weary of destroying these characters and stories, a new shiny toy will come along. Maybe Satan just needs to own the licenses for all these properties and they can leave the creative stuff to other actual Humans who are willing to pony up to have at them.

 

Maybe Matt Fraction is somewhere negotiating with a Billionaire to take over the comic books industry right now. I guess we’re just gonna have to wait for him to tire from being paddled by an Amazon in a full body rubber suit for our comic geek dreams to fully come true. Until then? I'm gonna pray that MiracleMan gets better and that the wonderfully fun retro series 'Avengers War Across Time' written by an industry relic they rolled out of Katz's Deli inspires more retro series. Maybe Chip giving up Double D means new comics with exciting new magical cum shots and a Batman title that will mercifully be handed off to a real Batman writer. 

 

Anime Cum Wonder Babe - A new Maxi Pad 12 issue series by Chip Zdarsky

 

We can only hope.

 

Rating: 5.0 (Marco Rocks)

Verdict: Block

Disney Stock: 94.22  

BATMAN: BEYOND THE WHITE KNIGHT #8 - Review

 

Uggh, I’ve been holding off on reading this one since it’s the final White Knight book. I mean, it is DC so they’ll probably bring it back at some point. One underachieving exec at an Editor’s meeting years from now will say ‘Hey, why don’t we do another White Knight story’ and everyone will go bananas for the idea, call the meeting over and jump in piles of cocaine while underage hookers and Drag performers are shipped in from Echo Park for entertainment. But that might not happen until, oh I dunno, December. But for now we have to assume this is the last one for a while and my goodness what a majestic run this has been.

 

Granted, nothing has been as great as that first series but all the subsequent runs have been good enough to stay atop all the other Batman offerings in that timeframe. Make no mistake, this has been the crown jewel of the Batman universe since it’s inception; nothing has come close. So, once I close the cover of this issue and toss it on my ‘yeah I read that pile’ I won’t have any active Bat Books on my pull and I don’t see anything coming down the pike either to change that. Of course DC could release 25 new Bat Titles next week, so ya never know with Bats.

 

I do feel that they missed the boat with this series a bit by not making it into a Prestige Large Sized format. What, Sean Murphy ain’t prestigious enough for you DC? Dude has got accolades! His art is also extremely detail oriented so a larger size would really bring his world to life. I say that because the opening offensive by the Bat Team in this issue gets kinda lost with all the small details in the panels. Honestly, it was a bit confusing to follow what was going on. I knew that shit was being blown up and that the Batmobile turned from speedboat into a car which was cool.

 

I’m waiting for the moment when Batman makes an appearance somehow in the Chicken Devils series where his Batmobile turns into a Bat Food Truck. Waddya think Bats would sell from his Bat Truck? Batties Jamaican Patties? Swing BATter BATter (pancake/crepe truck)? Bats Batty Burgers? You know if campy 1966 Adam West Batman was still doing it to death he’d roll up in a Bat Food Truck for realz.

 

So the opening was a bit all over the place for me. Also, this Gan chick, who I’m not a fan of, is now all of a sudden a former Special Ops Bad Ass from Afghanistan and is shooting arrows like Erroll Flynn in tights? Wasn’t she like a bumbling nitwit when she was being trained by the Red Hood in the mini series of this Universe? I could be wrong but I remember her as being shy and not very agile. The whole Gan Robin thing irks me, not sure why, just feels pushed in by a frothing at the mouth editor to get a diversity point rather than an organic development of the story.

 

What has set Murphy’s Batverse apart from all of the others is the emotional core that he’s found with the relationships of all of his characters. He’s infused love, regret, envy and deep flaws within this cast which has taken us as readers on a real rollercoaster ride. The one thing you learn first about screenwriting or writing of any kind is that ‘Story’ is all about your characters. If you just have a plot and two dimensional mannequins nobody’s gonna give a shit. I mean, they may for a second but then they’ll forget everything about your plot except the explosions and shocks. This is exactly how the dating scene in LA goes, you don’t remember names or job titles just property damage, ego damage and social media ruin; it’s fun out here!

 

Eventually the Bat Team gets their act together, the attack on the Bad Guys is moving along and then we get this moment: Bats, who has been running around without his mask since getting out of jail, puts his cowl back on:

 

 

I mean, cmon, Murph just gets it. If you’re a Bat Fan and you didn’t think or emit some sort of ‘Fuck Yeah’ when you saw this then you’re not a Bat Fan you’re a depressed comic geek and you need to get outside and get some sun, maybe take a break from those Ramen packets for a week or two.

 

As the pages winded down and Bats and the unfrikkinbelievable holographic Jack Napier/Joker character worked their way to their inevitable conclusion I began to feel appreciative and nostalgic for how great this run has been and how there’s nothing like sitting down to a great Bat Story…until…I read the last page…and

 

NO

 

FUKCIN

 

WAY

 

You’re kidding me. You’re continuing the White Knight story??? WHAT? With who? WHAT? Mirka Andolfo is doing a Joker Daughter/Daddy story??? Mirka Andolfo of ‘Unnatural’ fame? The chick who draws Pig Porn??? I mean she’s really good but, my goodness, her anthropomorphic books are seriously naughty. Like, I had to stop myself and think for a second as I bought a variant cover from her Unnatural Series which was a cover of her main pig character on the cover half nekkid with her big pig tits and pig ass hanging out.

 

 

 

‘Umm is this Kosher?’ I could feel Rabbi Shapiro from my Bar Mitzvah days looking over my shoulder, glaring at me with his scraggly nose and beady eyes, sorry Rebbe, I’d never date Pig Babe but, I mean, I might like her on a dating app but no way she’d like me back. I’d need a bunch of tats, a drug habit and a complete lack of empathy; probably a few guns in my night stand too.

 

Ha, and now they got Murph taking on Supes and Double Dub Babe in a Whitey Knighty Knight way as well??? And JLA? Wow. They couldn’t even wait a few months. I bet Murphy was picking up his last check from DC and they called him into their Bigwig Editor’s meeting. He walked in and they all had these big grins on their faces. Unbeknownst to Murph all the editors were scratching each other’s eyes out before he walked in because all the Bat Books they currently had on the stands sucked, and the crown jewel of their Alt Uni was about to walk and start his Zorro Book.

 

DC: Seanie Love, have a seat.

 

Murph: Hey guys, yeah, I gotta go, Zorro beckons. Thanks for the opportunity, had a blast.

 

Murphy turns to go

 

DC: Superman and Wonder Woman! Anything you want! Draw Plastic Man! Mr Mxyzptlk! They’re all yours! White Knight them all!

 

Murph: Wait, what? You want me –

 

DC: (bawling on their knees) Please don’t go, please, we – we’re nothing, we –

 

Murph: But I can’t right now, I have a Zorro -

 

DC: It’s okay we got Mirka doing the next one, Joker’s Daughter and Jack –

 

Murph: The Naughty Pig Chick? Is drawing Joker?

 

DC: Her contract clearly stipulates no Pig Tits, we swear.

 

Murph: Okay. Hmm. Chippy Z’s Batman run sucks saggy donkey scrotum. Say it.

 

DC: What?

 

Murph: Chippy Z’s Batman run sucks saggy donkey scrotum. Say it.

 

DC: Zdarsky? Well, the numbers are down but he’s doing a swell –

 

Murph: Chippy Z’s Batman run sucks saggy donkey scrotum. Say it or I walk.

 

DC: -

 

The editors huddle over the pile of coke in the middle of their boardroom table, they snort and bicker for several moments.

 

DC: Chippy Z’s Batman run sucks saggy donkey scrotum.

 

Murph: Louder.

 

DC: Chippy Z’s Batman run sucks saggy donkey scrotum.

 

Murph: Wonder Woman here I come. No pun intended.

 

The DC Editors erupt in jubilant cheers as they all swiftly make a conference call to their fave escort service in Echo Park

 

DC: WE WANT ALL DEM VEGAN TAT HOES! Murph’s doing Supe & Dub!

 

Well, I guess I’m happy. I mean, that White Knight JLA Verse is going to be amazing. I guess I feel a little cheated. It’s like it’s the last day of Jew kid summer camp and you’re weepy and hugging all your tiny Jew friends that you’ll probably never see again and all of sudden the Camp Director goes ‘Psych! We’re adding another month! Schools across the country aren’t starting until October this year!’ It’s cool, but weird, ya know.

 

Whatever happens, let’s just be clear, this was a genius alt Bat Verse and if he can do to JLA what he did to Bats we may need him to take over DC…and yes Chippy Z’s Bat run does suck on animal genitalia. Hey Andolfo, don’t get any ideas mmkay?

 

Rating: 9.2

Verdict: 60% chance a naughty pig babe makes it into Mirka’s run.

 

 

 

 

ALL NIGHT & EVERY DAY - Review

 

And the winner of the award for Sexiest Cover of the past several years goes to…this cover! Mwwrawarrr. Yet like most sexy covers in La La Land once you peel it open you realize it’s a whole different ballgame:

 

Mmm, who’s that scintillating brunette in the black dress?

 

Several hours later you’re on the phone with your bestie:

 

‘Dude, this Daddy Issue Chick won’t leave my house and she’s drinking all my expensive almond milk!’

 

What I thought was going to be a sizzling steamy book of smooching and romance turned out to be some type of horror thingamajig. WTF? This is a horror book??? All Night. Every Day??? That’s like putting two Rabbis on a cover and then you open it up and it’s a story about Piglet’s new adventures. It’s like putting the Kardashians on the cover and opening it up to find a discourse on quantum mechanics. It’s like putting a Marvel Character on the cover and then you open it up and find out it’s a story that’s actually engaging. We have a serious disconnect here people!

 

If you saw this title on an R&B Music Chart wouldn’t you assume it’s about knocking dem boots (let’s bring that saying back mmkay). Oy, Aftershock, I’m shocked! Real quick, is it me or do the liquor bottles on the cover look as big as this dude’s leg. Like, either the perspective is out of whack or the party that they’re at has 3 gallon beer bottles.  

 

Sooo this comic is not about the stamina you’ll need between the sheets with a Red Head? Where’s Neil Gaiman? He thinks all Redheads are slutty nymphos. Maybe he bankrolled this project and insisted on the slutty redhead cover.

 

Shock: But it’s a horror book Neil.

 

Neil: But she’s a redhead. She’s randy, she’s ready to go. People need to be reminded.

 

Shock: It’s supposed to be a dangerous party where –

 

Neil: All Redheads know where the 4 foot Bottles of Cognac are. You know how dangerous a 4 foot bottle of Cognac is? She’s a randy naughty bird who’s deeply horrifying. Look at her!

 

 

Aftershock is calling it their ‘Aftershock One Shock’; since it’s a one-shot. Get it? Shot. Shock. Doy doy doy doy. Give the marketing guy a handy in the men’s room for his stroke of genius. Get it? Handy. Stroke of Genius? Doy Doy Doy. I can work at Aftershock’s marketing department. Looks like these guys have an office in Sherman Oaks. Maybe their new horror line is being inspired by the psycho homeless apocalypse that is now spilling over into Sherman Oaks from Studio City. Before you know it it’s going to be a human fecal museum on Ventura Blvd. Sherman Oaks was like the last stop in the valley on the way to ‘Dude it’s way too fucking hot to live here’ now it’s on it’s way to being Downtown LA North.

 

So the premise of this book is that the Randy Redhead had her boyfriend/fiancé skip out on her wedding; like he didn’t show up and disappeared. She hasn’t seen him since. R.R and her pretentious unlikable fuckwit friends decide to go to a party. The party turns out to be some Twilight Zone alternate dimension thing where people have been partying here for decades and haven’t been able to leave. You mean like, Hotel California? This is your horror book? Dude. Almost all the parties in LA feel like people have been partying at it for decades, especially the ones in the fancy houses. I literally get lost in Mansion parties or at houses in the Hills for hours. Every room is just another room of attractive uninterested plastic people that make you feel like you need to go to the gym or to a sweat lodge to purge the toxins that you inhaled from their exhales.

 

Anyway, so Red finds her dude, they bang near a bunch of skyscrapers that look like liquor bottles. They then decide to escape and every room they end up in is creepier and more debaucherous than the next one. They eventually end up in a room with Nazis! 

 

 

Well, that’s where they go wrong here. You may find deviant sick perverted dimwits in every party in La La Land but you won’t find Nazis. Nazis are never invited to fancy parties. You might find a few Nazis in a Van Nuys or Encino party, maybe one or two will be lurking in a Glendale party but in general they’re too busy torturing local politicians to be bothered with hitting on all the Michaelas and Amandas of the world.

Finally the couple ends up in a room where there’s some old guy with antlers on his head and a bunch of half naked muscular dudes with Cow Skulls on their heads. Things don’t end well for the wedding skipping boyfriend. 

 

This wacko with the antlers is like the Grand Architect of the party that never ends. Dude. There's like a dozen old wackos with antlers on their heads wandering around Mann's Chinese Theater and Venice Beach right now as I type this. It's a thing. I see about 10-20 posts on Next Door a week about some wacko Antler Guy stealing mail, wandering around naked in backyards, pooping on luxury vehicles; it's a thing.

So that’s your Horror? Dude who gets cold feet ends up in an endless party where he gets tortured by men with cow skulls on their heads? Really? What about women who skip out on weddings? My ex-fiance gave me back my engagement ring, twice! So should she end up at one of these places? I would hope not. You know what would be truly terrifying, especially here in LA? If your curse was that every time you showed up to a party everyone left. How about that? That would be waaaay worse. 

 

You want to curse me and my not responding to you as a match on my dating app after I scrutinized your Insta page and realized you had way too many tats and pictures of you in face diapers for my liking? The most horrifying curse for me would be having to always wait three lights for only two cars in front of me to take a left turn in the left turn lane. How about that AfterShockaLocka? Let’s call it ‘All Left Lanes. Every Yellow Light’ Put that out from your Poop Castle in Shoaks. That story will send half the people in LA to a therapy session in minutes!

 

Ray Fawkes, the Writer, said in an interview that this isn’t just a comic, “It’s an Escape Manual”. An escape from what Ray? An LA Party? If you wanna escape an LA Party all you have to do is say ‘I’m looking for representation’ you’ll find your way outside on the curb quicker than you can say ‘Thirsty’.

 

I appreciate the fact that the creators of this book were trying to incorporate a complicated love relationship gone bad into a vortex of an endless party disaster. It’s not a wholly bad idea it’s just that I didn’t give two shites about any of these characters. So the dude is an asshole but is the chick that much better? Like why does she get out alive and he doesn’t? Maybe he had a good reason to not marry this girl?

 

Neil: Well of course he had a reason! She’s a randy Redhead! She’s an insufferable insatiable ninny who will haunt your afterlife! MiracleMan won’t even bang a RedHead, he knows better!

 

Okay Neil, we get it. No more One Shockadelicas for me. You want to shock the world Aftershock? Walk outside of your offices on Ventura Blvd and start filming. Don’t stop until you’ve walked all the way into Studio City and then lift up both of your shoes to see how much poop you’ve picked up. Now that will shock the world.

 

Rating: 6.1

Verdict: Knockin’ Dem Boots is still a sexy phrase