PENTHOUSE COMICS #1 - Review

 

Back in the day when you were a kid that hit puberty one of the first things that shorted your circuits and flipped your hormones out were nudie mags. Oh my God, girls look like this? Where? How? Wait, was Miss May at my Bar-Mitzvah, she looks familiar. Playboy was the mag of choice for most pre-pubescent boys as far I knew. It was the Centerfold that gave you palpitations and froze you into a slack-jawed drooling mess. Nobody gave a shit about the magazine, you just flipped to the part with the Miss Babe of the Month and stared. The only thing that might have caught your eye were the cartoons for a second but that was it.

 

Penthouse was the next level up in the nudie mag department. It was raunchier and way more graphic. Most older brothers didn’t have Penthouse stowed away in their closets. The first time you laid your eyes on a Penthouse mag was probably at camp or at a sleepover at the house of the kid with the dysfunctional family that had an older brother who rode a motorcycle and had a pack of cigarettes rolled up in his shirt sleeve. As for Hustler, well, that was full out nasty dirty porn and way too much for most kids. Hustler was always way the top on the magazine racks at the corner store. You would squint and raise up on your Keds to see what was going on up there and it was always a bit shocking.

 

Anyway, seeing something comic book related being put out by Penthouse definitely took me back to middle school days. I had no idea there were any ‘comics’ in old school Penthouse mags and if there were, I was intrigued. Were they great? Were they just sexy or were the stories actually good? Did any of the babes ever dress up as Batgirl? Playboy was definitely a Super Girl nudie mag. Penthouse a potential Batgirl nudie mag. Hustler was a Scarlet Witch with crotchless panties whipping a naked Vision Dude hung upside down with a dildo protruding from his forehead nudie mag; you know I'm right.

 

I’m usually not into anthology type comics but with the magazine format and price tag I assumed there’d be enough page count to have it actually present a major chunk of a story and hey, nothing wrong with a naked chick in a photo shoot to bring back memories of the simpler days of nudie mags and spin the bottle parties; so I pulled an issue. It was a little off putting having to see like, ten NSFW variants being offered. It’s one thing asking your LCS to pull the XXX Sex Criminals variant. It’s another to decide which naked chick appeals to you the most and then ask your LCS to make sure they get her for you. Yeah, that feels a little dirty. That’s walking into a 42^nd Street XXX Store in the 90s vibes, for sure.

 

So how was it? Well, it was pretty bad, BUT I think there’s potential here. Let’s break down this Poon-thology comic tit by tit:

 

The Dream - A sex club is the opening scene for the mind-numbingly bad story drawn by one of the great artists of the industry: Guillem March. I love March’s work. His 'Karmen' book was one of my absolute fave books of 2020. That book had a lot of panels where a naked girl was flying around Spain, what’s not to love? This however, I mean, blecch. Some Adonis looking dude hung like a horse bangs his girlfriend on stage at a sex club. Some reporter shows up to the club. The same night, some hot heartless Asian who’s the daughter of some gangster shows up as well. After the show, her Goons attack the girlfriend/stage sex partner of the Adonis dude outside. They kick her in the ribs repeatedly. Umm what? The dude then is forced to go with the Asian and he ends up on some bluff where she tells him to bang her. She also tells him to enjoy it while he can because she’s gonna get tired of him eventually and dump him. And I’m supposed to root for who exactly? And I care  about any of this, why? Who’s the sympathetic figure here? The Adonis who left his girlfriend with broken ribs on the street? The reporter who did nothing about it? The Asian twat-aroonski who demands Adonis meat? This is like an atrocious plot for one of those late night Cinemax movies that you watch when you’re a teenager simply because you’re waiting for the sex scenes. That might work when you’re a raging hormone horndog but not when you’re reading a comic book with your coffee in the morning. Trash. March is amazing and he kicked ass on the art but I’m pouting after this story and so is my dong.

 

Verdict: Flaccid

Gun Crazy - This may be one of the worst stories of any genre that I’ve read in a while. I’m befuddled as to how this was allowed to go to print. Perhaps the Lesbo sex and copious titty shots were supposed to blind us from the text we were reading. Two chicks who met in the army in Afghanistan fall for each other and then actualize themselves as full on Lesbians. Fine. Then, I dunno, they meet some Afghan Lesbian and then, they all bang and then, I dunno, somehow the two American chicks end up up with concealed guns in a redneck titty bar. They proceed to dance seductively for the rednecks in ‘Trump Country’ who look goofy, ugly and stupid as all get out. They’re wearing make-up all over their body to conceal the fact that they’re Black and Latina. Due to them sweating while shaking their T&A the make-up wears off and of course all the racists, which you must be if you’re a redneck in a bar with a torn off jean jacket, scream foul and pull their guns on them – because that’s obviously what racists do when they find out that the girls dancing for them aren’t actually White. Oy vey. This gives the Lesbians justification to take out guns that somehow were concealed on the bottom of their shoes and murder everyone in the bar including killing a guy with a swastika on his arm with an axe to his head. How fucking ridiculous. Why. Why. Why. Hey hot Lesbian girlfriend, let’s fake out some rednecks so they think we’re white so we can kill them when they realize we’re not. That’s your plot? Am I supposed to be rooting for these girls? Why? Because they became who they were meant to be sexually? What absolute drivel. Now mind you, the art was actually terrific. It’s a shame that Jef (that's who they say the Artist was, feels like a pseudonym and I don't blame him) worked on this. I hope he gets better assignments because it was beautifully drawn. But my goodness, what a shitty story.

 

Verdict: Scared Turtle

 

 

Miss October - Next there’s this noir story. I don’t think it’s noir. I think it’s more like mud. Yeah, it’s a new genre called Mud. How it works is you start reading the first few pages and then you get stuck, because you don’t know what the fuck is going on or why. You keep reading but then you keep turning back to the page that you got stuck on, it’s really cool! You’re like, ‘Wait, what the fuck? Who is who now? How did – huh? Kudos to this creative team for inventing a completely new literary experience. Dude, I have no idea. Like, there’s this hot babe in the early 1960s and she’s robbing some expensive artifacts from UCLA. She gets caught by a cop but then doesn’t. She knows him but then we jump back a couple of years and, is this the same guy? He’s not a cop anymore or is he? There’s somebody killing playmates one by one. Is she also a character? I don’t know. Is the cop her ex? I don’t know. Everybody kind of looks the same. The art is sweet but, I’m lost.

 

Again if this was Cinemax in the 80s or 90s or The Hitchhiker on HBO (oh my goodness do yo guys remember The Hitchhiker show??? Major Late Night Boners) you wouldn’t give a shit about the plot because you were a horny teen just jonesin (does anybody even say Jonesin’ anymore? I do!) for some titties. But there's no fast forwarding on Cinemax so you have to endure the bad writing but it in a way it makes it hotter because all the girls are sexy and they’re wearing sexy clothes and you know you’re gonna see tits eventually so you relax and somehow enjoy the bad acting. Yet, I’m not a horny teen and this is a comic book, so, yeah this is pretty wack. Kudos again to the Artist for drawing up a storm. I really enjoyed the art.

 

Verdict: Major Shrinkage

 

 

After reading a trio brain cell obliterating stories the first thing I obviously want to do is a Word Search where I get to locate my fave Porn Stars. Thank you Penthouse Comics for making that happen. Usually you see people working on Word Searches on a subway or a plane. I can’t wait to ask my next seat neighbor to help me find Rotten, especially when I tell them it’s the name of an up and cumming nudie starr. Seriously? C'mon XXX Industry, you called a girl Rotten? You couldn’t use Nasty, or Trollop or Devious? Rotten??? Who’s next? Despicable? Yucky? Mold?

 

Next up was a breakdown of the budget of porn films throughout the years. I'm not sure why they felt this was necessary for a comics anthology. Are they trying to secure funding for this book? Are they making a new movie called 'Shrinkage: Curse of the Scared Turtle'? This was filler if I ever saw filler, but, I dunno, interesting. I guess they're saying, look we can drop less than 1m and make a huge profit on our films. Maybe Disney should take notice and just release the subliminal dick versions of all their movies where the dicks are clearly displayed. Maybe if they charge an arm and a leg for those releases they can make another Star Wars film that ruins your childhood more.

 

There's an article on the success of their 'Pirates of the Caribbean' sex parody. Not sure why this is in here but the names for other popular parodies were listed as well and my goodness these are fucking fantastic: Assventure Time, Hand Solo and Spongeknob Squarenuts, hahahahahahahahaaaaa. I dare you to Google Spongeknob Squarenuts.

 

Finally there's a Nudie Photoshoot to finish you off. Yeah, hmm, this girl, I dunno, not for me. This chick has sooo many tats it's bonkers. I'm just not into tats. I looked her up when she's not glossed over and photo-shopped and, wow, she's really cute. Maybe posing her in a Mechanic Shop didn't do it for me. I mean, a babe placing wrenches and car gear over her naughty bits, not a turn on for me. 

 

 

You know what would've been a turn on? If she was posing with paid invoices for expensive auto work! Like, here's a paid invoice for the transmission you need fixed on your classic car (which I need fixed). Ooh yeah, baby, I took care of it. Now, I'm a blubbering mess. Maybe that should be an idea for a sexy photo shoot: Women and Invoices marked 'Paid'. For the record, I looked for an image of a Babe holding a paid invoice over her body and could not find one. This is a niche that needs filling! 

 

Anyway, long deep sigh. Look, I think this has the makings of a great format, I really do. Despite the fact that the stories were atrocious the art for all of them was exquisitely done; each with a distinctive style. Maybe Artists are like ‘Hell yeah I’ll draw some tits’ but maybe Writers are thinking ‘I’m not sure I wanna be associated with Penthouse’, so they’ve declined an invitation. 

 

You know who Penthouse should recruit? Sean Murphy! It's a perfect match! DC has basically dumped him and he's toiling with a low visibility publisher right now putting out mnyeh not-so-great comics. His hot wife writes erotica, c'mon Murph! Show us your naughty side! Or better yet bring your wife in and put out some world class sexy stories. 

I'm down to check out one or maybe two more of these Nudie Comixxx Anthologies but for 10 bones a pop you're gonna have to drop a story or feature that brings the turtle out of his shell, na'mean?

 

Rating: 5.6

Verdict: Worth another Pull but not a long Yank.

CANARY #3 - Review & Snyder Psycho Analysis

 

I think I’ve figured out Scott Snyder, what makes him tick, and perhaps why some of his comics turn to poop. Maybe I’ve also figured out what reduces him to a quivering mess in his bed at night. Before I get into it I’d like to preface all of this by saying I consider Scott to be one of the pre eminent comic book writers of our time. He’s imaginative, versatile and wonderful at crafting engaging plots. I’ve said this before but his ‘Court of Owls’ run on the main Batman title is, in my opinion, the greatest Batman story ever told. His run on Batman was also one of the greatest runs on that comic, ever. But, if you’ll remember, it kind of ended oddly, didn’t it?

 

So let’s return back to the end of Snyder’s Batman run, it was the whole Mr. Bloom storyline, right? Now, I don’t remember the specifics of the story line but I do remember the final issues feeling rushed and out of sorts. The absolute last Synder issue was befuddling as somehow Commissioner Gordon became the hero, not Batman and, it just felt off. Now, this was a while ago but I distinctly remember putting that issue down with a bad taste in my mouth. Really? That’s how one of the greatest Bat writers ever goes out? Now, that’s neither here nor there but let’s take a look at the Bloom dude:

 

 

Pointy Talons, impaling people, tall, skinny. Okay, now catalog that image in your head. So, Snyder’s Batman run ends in 2016 but back in 2014 he put out a limited series called ‘Wytches’ which was an amazing horror comic. It may be one of my favorite horror comics of all time and I’m not a big fan of the horror genre. Anyway, it concealed the look of the actual Wytches of the story until the very end which really amped up the tension and intrigue; you had to know who these Wytches were. Well, once you saw them, I mean, look, it was still a great story but, I dunno, a little wacky, not gonna lie. It was kind of hard to find an image of them and there’s no way I’m searching through dozens of comic book boxes for the issues but they kind of looked like this

 

They were lanky with long arms, disproportionately large and small eye sockets, absurdly long talon-like fingers. Also, the main character ended up somehow entering one of the trees through a tree knot which led to this extensive subterranean lair that seemed to stretch for miles. At this point we got Bloom and Wytches. Okay, next up we have the Batman Who Laughs that became immensely popular during that whole ‘Metal’ run, which I thought was mediocre at best. Yeah, thinking back on that Metal stuff it was pretty bad. Like, I couldn’t even tell you what happened and there were a shit ton of issues; expensive ones I might add. Yet the crown jewel of that entire storyline was the creation of a dark alternate reality version of Batman called the ‘Batman who Laughs’. Clearly a Joker-esque character mold. Let’s take a look at the BWL:

 

 

Starting to see a pattern here? Tall, lanky, pointy dude things. Fast forward to his Dark Horse/Comixology Original reprints and he’s right back with the Pointies. His ‘We Have Demons’ was a complete and utter mess, gory, gross and generally silly BUT he did have copious amounts of spiky pointy things. Here's the cover of the first issue which could have been called 'We Have Spiky Nightmares'.

 

 

Next was ‘Night of the Ghoul’, which I reviewed here 'Night of the Ghoul', and sure enough look at what’s sloughing after the kid in another subterranean expanse that seems to go on forever:

 

 

Next up, his ‘Barnstormers’ story, one of my absolute favorites of 2023. Now, one would think, okay it’s a Romance in the skies type story so we’re not going to see any Snyder nightmare beings, actually, you’d be wrong about that. The main character dude is tormented by dreams of a tall lanky Robot with big shining eyes. Do I have to keep going???

 

Finally we’re at ‘Canary’. Now, I was really enjoying this one, a major page turner. Snyder, per usual, set up the world and main characters perfectly and really built the suspense through the first two issues. I had to know ‘What’s up with this mine? What’s in it? Why are people going bonkers because of it?’ Now through the first two issues there were some gruesome horrific elements but nothing too off the walls. I think Snyder crafted a fine balance between a grounded Mystery in a remote Western town with a cast of characters that weren’t clichéd or one dimensional at all. I genuinely was looking forward to the third issue and the big reveal.

Well, all this final issue revealed is that Scott Snyder needs therapy. This issue totally went off the rails, careening into the depths of Wackadoodleville. My goodness. What a shit show. What a disappointing mess. So our heroes find their way into the mine and gee, guess what, it goes down thousands and thousands of feet into a deep subterranean world that goes on forever; more subterranean empire stuff. The female lead’s Dad lords over the subterranean ‘Mine World’ and this is what he looks like.

 

Not only that, once our lead Vigilante dude comes upon the Spiky Emperor of shiny pointy things he finds that his two accomplices, the babe and the geologist dude, have been impaled through their midsections by Daddy Talonbucks. 

 

 

Major gripe alert, the chick and the dude who were run through by these elongated demon spikes obviously escape. Now, I can somehow believe their adrenaline fuels them to run at top speed from the Pointy Army of Death despite the fact that they have a major hole in their body that’s not been cauterized or stopped in any way. Yet once they get to the surface – what, nothing? Like, oh, yeah we were impaled but, yeah, that was a few pages ago. They don’t collapse, they don’t reach for the wound, it’s like it never happened. C’mon Scottie, deal with the pointy trauma.

 

Here’s what I think happened. Snyder starts with the pointy teeth theme with American Vampire in 2010. He then goes on to have a massive success with his Batman run which started around 2012 or so. With success comes great responsibility and pressure. At some point he probably went to therapy, or maybe even better, signed up for an Ayuhuasca ceremony to connect with the Great Spirit of comic book writing: Jack Kirby. One of these sessions went awry and it brought up a buried nightmare of his, that of a tall bug eyed lanky point fingered monster thingy that lived under his bed or in his closet as a child. I had one like this when I was kid, I was terrified of the Nosferatu Vampire, notice the similarities with the Synder Monster Canon?

 

Maybe Scott also saw Nosferatu as a kid and it drove him batty, no pun intended. So while enjoying Bat success he decides to exorcise his demons (perhaps his We Have Demons title is him admitting that he still has them) and writes Wytches; the first instance of the lanky bug eyed pointy monster thingy. Unfortunately it opens up a Pandora’s Box of repressed fear and psychosis for Snyder which spurs him on to write the Mr Bloom story line. As the story progresses Snyder regresses and becomes more and more volatile to the point where he’s a blubbering mess at DC Editorial meetings. He’s wailing ‘Pointy Pointy Pointy! BIG eyes! Big! Ooooh very big! Tall Big Pointy Pointy Pointy!’ At this point DC knows they have to can him or give him a break which is why Mr. Bloom ends with a thud.

 

Weeks later Snyder shows up to DC offices again. He’s been told to stay away for a couple of months to get his act together and see a shrink. He ignores this advice and completely loses his shit instead. He shows up to DC dressed up as the Batman who Laughs. Maybe he looked like this:

 

 

Of course, if you’re walking around New York City like this nobody is going to blink an eye. They’d just assume you’re in a Death Metal Band or work for the Mayor. Now, DC could either wrap him up in a straight jacket or squeeze the insanity out of him and release a whole new series of Snyder Stuff for $5-6 bucks a pop with foil covers and shit; make a killing. What do you think they did? The ‘Metal’ stuff was mind numbingly bad but DC made their cash and then they jettisoned the wack job. Since then Snyder’s been shaking in his writer’s chair, yelping ‘Pointy Pointy coming to get me’ every few minutes while he pops out new comic story lines.

 

He’s got his pointy fingers in the amazing new DSTLRY line with his upcoming ‘White Boat’ horror series. It remains to be seen if he’s exorcised the Nine Inch Nails from his psyche. Maybe DSTLRY did an intervention on him and shook him back to a balanced bad ass comic book writer. It's not that Scott's not one of the most talented writers in the industry. It just seems he can't help himself at the conclusion of each of his books to crumble into the Spiky Evil imagery that seems to torment him. Whatever the case may be, I’ll always drop coin for a Scott Snyder book. It may be bat shit crazy, but it’ll be wonderfully entertaining – at least until the Pointy Pointy shows up.

 

Rating: 6.1

Verdict: Don't ever point at Scott Snyder

February '24 Reading Round Up

 

The Fantastic Four Cinematic Experience has been rebooted more times that my crappy Commodore 64 computer was rebooted back in the 80s; the era of floppy discs and Q Bert. I don’t why it’s so hard to make a great FF Movie, seems like all the elements are there for a homerun flick. Perhaps it’s because every time we’ve seen The Thing in a FF movie we kind of snort laugh. They’ve never gotten The Thing right, it always makes me think ‘Oh that’s some sort of wacky polyurethane suit with glued on tchotchkes with an actor in it’. The scripts have also always been downright bleccch.

 

So it was with bated excitement that I was watching this new FF team of actors come together. So far it looked like they had knocked each one out of the park. I mean, the dude from ‘The Bear’ the greatest TV Show of 2023 (Ebon Moss-Burt-Bacharach) was an interesting choice. Is the Thing just going to be saying Cousin all of the time? Despite his lanky appearance I can totally see Ebon inhabiting the role of Ben Grimm so at this point it’s only a matter of them finally getting The Thing appearance right. And then, there’s Reed Richards…

 

Oy. He, for some reason, was the last missing piece and, well, I think they fucked it up. It is Marvisney, to be expected. Pedro Pascal is not Reed Richards. Period. I’ve not been enamored by Double P’s work. I thought he was straight up cheezy in the WW84 film and as far as Mando? He had a helmet on the entire time and pretty much delivered his lines monotone. But even if he was absolutely amazing in everything the dude is not Reed. Reed is an emotionally detached genius of logic and reasoning; a Spock-like character. Pedro is none of those things. I mean, I’m sure he can act the part, but his Reed will probably clasp Johnny on the shoulder after a mission, squeeze his trapezius and look him in his eyes and say ‘You did your best, hey, let’s grab a beer’. There is a warmth and congeniality of Pedro that I don’t think he can turn off. Perhaps I’ll be wrong. I hope he proves me wrong. But at first blush my thought is: Noooooooooooo!!!!

 

 

 

Let’s get into some books that I dove headfirst into.

 

 

 

Okay, after a mnyeh nothing special first issue this book officially jumped the fuck off and got wow. Damn, Bendis is a bad ass, what can I say. He just really knows how to rope you in and make you go ‘Wait, what the fuck is going to happen here?’ even if the premise isn’t amazing and even if you’re not invested in the lead. Halfway through the second issue I was pondering whether or not I should drop the book even though I love the masterful duo of Maleev and Bendis and before I knew I got hit with, ‘let’s put a fictional squad together based on some old squad dynamics’ and I got reeled in like a Marvel suit being offered a mound of coke in exchange for hiring a shitty editor.

 

 

 

 

A very unsatisfying thud of an ending to what was turning out to be a really well developed premise, at least for the first 4 issues. I feel like there’s about 3 or 4 issues left but it’s over. I’ll spoil it for you so you won’t have to waste your money on this. A chick is like, ‘Yo where my parents at? They went to this Virtual AI spot or something and now they’re gone’. Some nerdy tech dudes are like, ‘let’s make an AI Dude and you can control him to find your Mom and Pop Dukes in AI Land’. She’s like ‘Bet’ The AI Dude travels into AI Land and it’s wild and wacky and looks like Europe but with no people. Eventually he finds their parents and the dude they thought was a villain, isn’t. The chick is like ‘Yo, what the fuck?’ and her dad is like ‘Yo, it’s all good, we’re working with the AI Villain dude to create some ill ass fonky shit’. Maybe Issue 6 is where they send what they found from the year 3400 to Apple and that’s why we have these creepy AF Vision Pro wackjobs wandering around swiping their fingers in mid air at shit only they can see.

 

 

 

I wanted to pull a Psaki and circle back to Issue 5 of Dubz because it was nagging at me. So, all the ‘secondary nobody gives a damn about you Wonder Babes not named Wonder Woman’ are like, ‘Hey we want to help you fight the entire US Govt and the wacky loser DC characters that were sitting in a iMac hard drive from 2003 up until last month'. So Dubz is like ‘Okay, challenge my legit hero ass!’ So the Hot Latina Wonder Babe challenges her to bows and arrows. Now that’s perfectly fine and makes sense. Then the blonde Midwest Wonder Chick challenges Dubz to, wait for it, arm wrestling! Now hear me out on this, what if instead of some boring ass arm wrestling challenge Dubz and Dubz Jr had a Slap Fight! C’mon! Dude. Two Thunder Amazon Babes slapping the shit out each other while Redman’s Slap the Shit Out Ya is playing. You know damn well that this comic would be going for $80 on eBay like that Bat Cock book that was put out years ago.

 

 

Next, the final challenge is the Gen Z Dubz Doppelganger (I seriously could not tell who was who her) challenges Dubz, wait for it, to video games! Are you fucking kidding me??? So she’s challenges her to some Street Fighter game except it’s Batman vs Superman and Dubz takes Supes. Well of course, Supes wins but if I’m a Gen Z Gamer and I wanna beat Dubz at video why on earth would I challenge her to a fight game? Dude, challenge her to something like Madden! You telling me Dubz knows what a jet sweep is??? A flea flicker? Trips right? A fair catch? Look, I could beat Wonder Woman in Madden and I’m not even that good at it. Serious dropping of the ball here by King.

 

 

 

Took this creative team six months to pop out #4 of this 6 issue vignette series about Jazz. I don’t know what it is with the recent surge in ‘Hey, let’s take six months off of this comic’. It’s been happening in the industry at an alarming frequency. Usually it means they bit off more than they could chew, they’re whooped, or they have other shit going on. Maybe it’s like the NBA and Comic Creators need load management. Whatever the case may be it doesn’t always result in triumphant returns. More often that not it results in a mediocre to blah to yuck comic. In the case of Deep Cuts #4 it wasn’t that it was bad by any stretch of the imagination, but, I dunno, it felt a little off compared to the initial 3 issues. The narrative was a bit disjointed and hard to follow. I get what they were trying to do with the interviews and timeline jumping, but it was muddy. Look, jumping around timelines and going back and forth is not an easy task. Still, it’s beautiful to look at and I appreciate the subject matter so I’m down for the final 2 issues, but, yeah, this one was mnyeh.

 

 

 

If you’re a burgeoning comic book writer and you’d like a primer on how to develop a series and hook a reader from the start and at the end of each issue then I highly suggest you buy up all of the Jeff Lemire comics you can find. Seriously, you can forgo paying for any MasterClass or online seminar; just read Jeff. It doesn’t matter what the premise is or how wacky it might get, and man does it get fucking wacky, he’ll have a hook your brain that’ll compel you to see what happens next; without fail. Once you get into a Lemire book you never drop it, ever. He’s the master.

 

 

 

 

 

I actually started to write a full on deep dive review of this book. I got it at the last minute as I saw reviewers were frothing at the mouth over it. I will say, yeah, the art is really lovely, but when I got to the end – just wasn’t feeling like I wanted to continue. Same thing happened with the review, I just wasn’t motivated to finish it. It’s like you go on a date with a chick and she’s cute, has the same interests, laughs at your jokes, doesn’t seem crazy, yet after you drop her off you’re already wondering who you’re going to go out with next. Nothing wrong with her, she just doesn’t give you the ‘Wow’. Now your platonic female friend who wears bandanas, listens to Solfeggio frequency music and has 3 cats will say, give her a chance, get to know her, let it unfold and I’ll say:

 

‘Coffee Dates cost $25 in LA these days, fonk dat!’.

 

 

 

My goodness this was a fucking amazing comic. 

 

Period.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Happy Reading!

 

- IB

Miracleman: The Silver Age #7 - Deleted Scene

 

Are these two about to punch each other or about to kiss each other on the cover? Hard to say, but whatever it is MiracleMan has finally come to an end! Well, not really, but, at least this ‘Age’ is over. It was a – well, a decent but not stupendous finale to what ended up boiling down to a disagreement over a smoocheroo that came out of the blue. This run of 7 issues had its ups and downs for sure. Some moments popped, some dropped and some just elicited a copious amount of eye rolls.

 

Sure it’s still one of the greatest comic book concepts in the history of comic books. However, it’s as if the Beatles were working on their final album and then handed it off to someone else, perhaps Dylan or Elton or even the Stones, perish the thought. No matter what they would have done with it, it never would have been as great; just different. So perhaps we should have expected different but not great from the great Neil Gaiman.

 

Anyway, guess what I got my hands on??? A scene that was cut from the final issue of the Silver Age. Don’t ask me how I got it, it wasn’t easy. Every time I walked into Whole Foods I kept hearing everyone murmuring about this “insane” deleted scene from MM that’s been circulating on the dark web. Some have apparently seen it on the periphery of their Apple Vision Pro experiences; always out of reach. Well, after a lot of nasty business I’m going to present it to you in all its glory. Don’t ever tell me I don’t do right by you guys.

 

It takes place right after this page when MM flies to Jordan to meet Dicky.

 

 

Dicky slithers around the corner of the mountain and puts his hands on his hips.

 

Dicky: You’re a tart

 

MM: A what?

 

Dicky: Tart, as in a whore, you’re a Miraculous Tart.

 

MM: Dicky -

 

Dicky: Don’t call me that, your little tart nickname of me.

 

MM: I don’t -

 

Dicky: What’s my real name? Neville? Earnest? Oswald?

 

MM: It’s always been Dicky

 

Dicky: Yes it’s always been your little cock fantasy hasn’t it. What did you do? Get together with Gargunza the Troll to create a tidy man-hole to play with to satisfy your wicked perversions

 

MM: I did nothing of the sort.

 

Dicky: Lying little bitch.

 

MM: You’re part of the Pantheon. You’re -

 

Dicky: I’m part of your little wet hole brothel in the sky! What, you think you dress us up in fancy Miracle garb it makes us anything else other than a sucky fucky whenever you want us.

 

MM: Dauntless –

 

Dicky: Couldn’t just subsist on your Tart-Theon you had to plant one on me eh?

 

MM: I care for you Dicky

 

Dicky: You’re a bored old perv who can have and have had anybody you’ve ever wanted. I was just another notch on your Man Pussy belt.

 

MM: My Man what?

 

Dicky: Your Naughty Bits Abacus!

 

MM: Let me ask the Qys if that’s some of their tech.

 

Dicky: [tearing up] This would never have happened if your Twat Spigot of a Wife with her 80s Power Bitch Haircut never suggested you snog me.

 

MM: It’s been in me since the dawn of time, I lo –

 

[Dicky transforms into Leslie Jones and Miracle Man transforms into Steven Yeun with Tits.]

 

Dicky: What the actual shit?

 

MM: Oh, bloody hell.

 

Dicky: Is this some joke? You’re about to profess your love to me and you turn into a diminutive Asian man with big knockers?!?

 

MM: It’s Neil.

 

Dicky: Neil?

 

MM: Yes, our Authoritarian Author. He’s decided to be more inclusive and diverse for this moment. Look at yourself.

 

Dicky: What the fuck is this shit? Oh hell fucking no.

 

MM: Yes, he’s prone to these whimsical casting alterations from time to time.

 

Dicky: You tell that –

 

MM: You tell him, I’m more than spent from wheezing to the heavens at him

 

Dicky: [wails to the sky] Look motherfucker, change my ass back or I’m a bust your Gremlin looking fizzace with a quickness.

 

MM: Look at your purple haired girlfriend.

 

Dicky turns to see Meta now transformed into a Handicapped Native American Little Person.

 

Meta: I’m glad you no longer look like Colonizers.

 

Beat

 

Dicky: He did the same shit for his dumb ass Sandman series on Netflix.

 

MM: Yes, he most certainly did.

 

Dicky: That show sucked.

 

MM: I would tend to agree with you.

 

Dicky: Why did he cast Meshell Ndegeocello as Lucien? Amazing musician -

 

MM: Yes I love her work dearly

 

Dicky: Can’t act for shit.

 

MM: There were – many questionable moves.

 

Dicky: That show was drivel.

 

MM: Quite drivelous.

 

Dicky: Driveltastic.

 

MM: The driveliest for sure.

 

Dicky: You’re not allowed to fuck up Sandman.

 

MM: Seems like he did.

 

Dicky: And now he’s fucking us up.

 

MM: I wouldn’t necessarily call it a fuck-up, per se –

 

Dicky: What would you call it??

 

MM: The Miraculous Smooch he always wanted to see.

 

Dicky: Look at us now though, it’s fucking ridiculous

 

MM: It leans into the theater of absurd.

 

Dicky: You are very cute though. You in your Male Asian actor of the moment suit.

 

MM: Yes well –

 

Dicky/Leslie moves in to kiss MM/Steven. MM backs away and holds up his hand.

 

Dicky: What are you doing?

 

MM: What are you doing?

 

Dicky: I’m giving you what you wanted, your Dicky smooch, and maybe more, take your – Christ, where the hell is the zipper on this suit

 

MM: Dicky, please, I’m not really feeling -

 

Dicky: You don’t want to kiss me! You racist!

 

MM: I’m not a racist, please.

 

Dicky: You most certainly are! Oh, you wanted to kiss me as a shiny blonde alabaster boy toy but, what, now I’m too much for you?

 

MM: We all have our predilictions and proclivities and –

 

Dicky: Unfuckingbelievable!

 

MM: [Looks to the sky] Neil! That’s enough! Enough I say!

 

They are transformed back to their original selves.

 

MM: Now, where were we? [leans in for a kiss]

 

Dicky: Eww, gross, back off.

 

MM: Dicky –

 

 

There were a bunch of lines after this but they were redacted for some reason, all blacked out. Well, I hope you enjoyed this little detour onto the cutting room floor of the Great Gaiman. Fortunately, or perhaps unfortunately, MiracleMan is continuing in the ‘Dark Age’, and – no comment.

 

Rating: 8.1

Verdict: Keep Pulling and Yanking

ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN #1 - Review

 

I got a bone to pick with you Hickman. Shit, I got a whole skeleton to pick with you. Me dropping 6 buckaroos on the first Spider-Man book I’ve purchased in over, oh I dunno, 30 years, gives me the right to rip you a new one since it’s your name on the book. Honestly, I don’t think I’ve bought a Spidey book since those McFarlane days back in the 90s. Those were the fucking days, when comics meant something and Heroes were fucking Heroes. Yeah, I’m amped up for this review so if you’re a jittery easily triggered neurologically damaged dweeby snowflake who drinks decaf with soy milk and eats spelt cookies sweetened with tear duct sugar then this may not be the place for you and your fragile psych.

 

Hickman, you Son of a Bitch! You left me hanging, twice! Maybe you’ve forgotten, hmm? You started two books, which were fucking amazing, and just ghosted the book! Don’t give me your excuses, who fucking does that? Who just stops writing a comic book??? Have you ever gone to a movie and it just stops halfway? You ever buy a novel that’s unfinished? Ever buy an album and all the songs just stop for no fucking reason? For those of you who may not know I’m talking about ‘The Dying and the Dead’ and the ‘Black Monday Murders’ two unbelievably spectacular comic books that not only looked beautiful beyond words but had some of the most engaging plots of the past decade or so – and yet, they just, stopped. Stopped. Dude, I get ghosted enough in my life, I don’t need comic books making me feel abandoned and wondering if they’re wrapped around some douchebag’s dick on a forever pool rather than sitting in my hands because I’m inadequate.

 

Do you hang out with Matt Fraction and talk shit about how you’ve left mad plots and story arcs hanging while smoking spliffs and peeing on pictures of Zdarsky??? Fraction, that’s another guy, leaving me hanging, Casanova, ODYC, WTF?!? You know who I would actually like to leave me hanging? Marvel. Like, every piece of content they’re working on, all of them. Like, just walk away from all of the comic books and movies, like, today, just drop them, all of them, so someone else who actually cares more about the story than the variant cover can deliver the goods to people who are starving for comics that make them go fuck yeah.

 

So, why pick this comic up if I’m so ornery, vindictive and kvetchy about Hicksy and Marvisney? Because it’s still Hicksy. Hicksy brings the ruffneck bizness. It’s like if Quentin Tarantino was tasked to direct the next mind numbing MCU flop with characters that nobody’s ever heard of, I’d be there opening night, cuz, well, it’s QT! I’d love to see a bunch of has-been actors cursing at the top of their lungs while riddling bullets at each other in front of cheezy AI graphics while Sam Jackson playing Nick Fury finally gets to say Mofo in a Marvisney movie. That’s why I picked this comic up, and guess what, it’s really good.

 

Dammit Hickman! This book is fucking good! What the hell! Uggh, I can’t lie, I want to, but I can’t. That final panel with Peter standing on the roof after becoming Spidey for the first time gave me all the feels. I even peeked ahead online to find out when the second issue was coming out. I did! Apparently I already pulled it, who knew??? Look, Hicksy can spin a tale and Checetto can draw his ass off, I mean, this should have been great no matter what. I guess I’m so used to everything coming out of Marvel’s Printing Press to be unadulterated poop the fact that it wasn’t is jarring.

 

I had zero context or idea about anything coming into this comic. I have no idea what an ‘Ultimate Universe’ is or what Spidey’s been doing for the past 30 years. Apparently he married MJ, popped out a couple of kids and grew a Hipster beard. Is he working at Micro-Brewery now? REI? Is he making calls for Bernie Sanders? Look at that beard! Did he join Kabbalah and help everyone out by spinning the red yarn bracelets in bulk from his Spidey goo? Peter looks like he hangs out with Ben Affleck and is working on a low budget documentary that Affleck is funding. I do not like this beard at all. I can see Parker with mutton chops or a little hippie patch underneath his bottom lip. This beard makes him look like he’s gonna be cast as the butt of a Larry David joke in a ritzy hotel. 

 

 

Oh, since we’re on facial hair and this is technically another Universe, ya think that J. Jonah could finally ditch the Hitler stache??? Nobody in their right or left or up in the air mind could ever look in a mirror before they shave and consciously say ‘Yup, I’m keeping the Adolph!’ Like, no way that happens. I think it’s time J. Jonah either goes clean or grows out a bushy Sam Elliott type stache. I mean, look at this guy, it’s a perfect Jonah stache. Shit, maybe Sam Elliott should run the Daily Bugle.

 

One more other gripe: the Green Goblin. Oy, I’m so over Greenie and his little rocket ship. Over it. Enough already and enough with Normie. Normie was officially ruined by Jamea Franco when he threw so many bad acting moments at that role 20 years ago it almost caused the MCU to implode before it got started. My goodness, he was fucking awful. Next, look at Greenie’s suit. It’s either Iron Man meets the Incredible Hulk or it’s Yeezy.

 

I’m gonna say it’s Yeezy, which would be incredible. I can totally see Yeezy rocking this outfit. Did you see what he wore to the Super Bowl??? Google it, it's too creepy to even post let alone look at again.

 

If Hicksy is Ballsy enough to have had Yeezy be the guy Normie calls to be Greenie that would be the most Ultimate Fucking Universe Everrrr!!!  Oh, one more thing, Hicksy steals the Princess Leia holographic message Star Wars gimmick when he has Tony Stark deliver a holographic message from an object. I guess if you own Star Wars and Spidey it’s kosher and a natural fit but it was blatantly obvious. Despite all of these missteps and the mystery of whether it is or is not Yeezy, this book was a - uggh can’t believe I’m saying this, a joy to read.  

 

I mean, let’s be real, this could turn into a dumpster fire real quick. Yeezy’s Green Goblin can start hurling swastikas at Spidey and before you know it this book will be dropped in the middle just like Dying & The Dead and Black Monday Murders. But as for right now, in this moment, I will cede and admit, it was a pretty damn great Spidey comic, despite the familiar tropes and stolen Obi Wan device.

 

Now look Hicksy, I’m still fucking pissed at you and I still want you to man up and finish what you started. Howeverrr, you just got me genuinely amped about a character that I haven’t been amped about since Slick Willie was in the White House banging interns; so that’s quite an accomplishment. Now, you know that there’s no way for Peter to be swinging around town with that Hipster beard under his skintight mask. I’m gonna haveta insist that he shaves his allegiance to Stumptown Coffee and Socialism off of his mug, unless of course Yeezy takes off the Greenie helmet and he has his Hipster beard as well. Then, all is forgiven. And I mean ALL.

 

Rating: 8.8

Verdict: Pull