I got a bone to pick with you Hickman. Shit, I got a whole skeleton to pick with you. Me dropping 6 buckaroos on the first Spider-Man book I’ve purchased in over, oh I dunno, 30 years, gives me the right to rip you a new one since it’s your name on the book. Honestly, I don’t think I’ve bought a Spidey book since those McFarlane days back in the 90s. Those were the fucking days, when comics meant something and Heroes were fucking Heroes. Yeah, I’m amped up for this review so if you’re a jittery easily triggered neurologically damaged dweeby snowflake who drinks decaf with soy milk and eats spelt cookies sweetened with tear duct sugar then this may not be the place for you and your fragile psych.
Hickman, you Son of a Bitch! You left me hanging, twice! Maybe you’ve forgotten, hmm? You started two books, which were fucking amazing, and just ghosted the book! Don’t give me your excuses, who fucking does that? Who just stops writing a comic book??? Have you ever gone to a movie and it just stops halfway? You ever buy a novel that’s unfinished? Ever buy an album and all the songs just stop for no fucking reason? For those of you who may not know I’m talking about ‘The Dying and the Dead’ and the ‘Black Monday Murders’ two unbelievably spectacular comic books that not only looked beautiful beyond words but had some of the most engaging plots of the past decade or so – and yet, they just, stopped. Stopped. Dude, I get ghosted enough in my life, I don’t need comic books making me feel abandoned and wondering if they’re wrapped around some douchebag’s dick on a forever pool rather than sitting in my hands because I’m inadequate.
Do you hang out with Matt Fraction and talk shit about how you’ve left mad plots and story arcs hanging while smoking spliffs and peeing on pictures of Zdarsky??? Fraction, that’s another guy, leaving me hanging, Casanova, ODYC, WTF?!? You know who I would actually like to leave me hanging? Marvel. Like, every piece of content they’re working on, all of them. Like, just walk away from all of the comic books and movies, like, today, just drop them, all of them, so someone else who actually cares more about the story than the variant cover can deliver the goods to people who are starving for comics that make them go fuck yeah.
So, why pick this comic up if I’m so ornery, vindictive and kvetchy about Hicksy and Marvisney? Because it’s still Hicksy. Hicksy brings the ruffneck bizness. It’s like if Quentin Tarantino was tasked to direct the next mind numbing MCU flop with characters that nobody’s ever heard of, I’d be there opening night, cuz, well, it’s QT! I’d love to see a bunch of has-been actors cursing at the top of their lungs while riddling bullets at each other in front of cheezy AI graphics while Sam Jackson playing Nick Fury finally gets to say Mofo in a Marvisney movie. That’s why I picked this comic up, and guess what, it’s really good.
Dammit Hickman! This book is fucking good! What the hell! Uggh, I can’t lie, I want to, but I can’t. That final panel with Peter standing on the roof after becoming Spidey for the first time gave me all the feels. I even peeked ahead online to find out when the second issue was coming out. I did! Apparently I already pulled it, who knew??? Look, Hicksy can spin a tale and Checetto can draw his ass off, I mean, this should have been great no matter what. I guess I’m so used to everything coming out of Marvel’s Printing Press to be unadulterated poop the fact that it wasn’t is jarring.
I had zero context or idea about anything coming into this comic. I have no idea what an ‘Ultimate Universe’ is or what Spidey’s been doing for the past 30 years. Apparently he married MJ, popped out a couple of kids and grew a Hipster beard. Is he working at Micro-Brewery now? REI? Is he making calls for Bernie Sanders? Look at that beard! Did he join Kabbalah and help everyone out by spinning the red yarn bracelets in bulk from his Spidey goo? Peter looks like he hangs out with Ben Affleck and is working on a low budget documentary that Affleck is funding. I do not like this beard at all. I can see Parker with mutton chops or a little hippie patch underneath his bottom lip. This beard makes him look like he’s gonna be cast as the butt of a Larry David joke in a ritzy hotel.
Oh, since we’re on facial hair and this is technically another Universe, ya think that J. Jonah could finally ditch the Hitler stache??? Nobody in their right or left or up in the air mind could ever look in a mirror before they shave and consciously say ‘Yup, I’m keeping the Adolph!’ Like, no way that happens. I think it’s time J. Jonah either goes clean or grows out a bushy Sam Elliott type stache. I mean, look at this guy, it’s a perfect Jonah stache. Shit, maybe Sam Elliott should run the Daily Bugle.
One more other gripe: the Green Goblin. Oy, I’m so over Greenie and his little rocket ship. Over it. Enough already and enough with Normie. Normie was officially ruined by Jamea Franco when he threw so many bad acting moments at that role 20 years ago it almost caused the MCU to implode before it got started. My goodness, he was fucking awful. Next, look at Greenie’s suit. It’s either Iron Man meets the Incredible Hulk or it’s Yeezy.
I’m
gonna say it’s Yeezy, which would be incredible. I can totally see Yeezy
rocking this outfit. Did you see what he wore to the Super Bowl??? Google it, it's too creepy to even post let alone look at again.
If Hicksy is Ballsy enough to have had Yeezy be the guy Normie calls to be Greenie that would be the most Ultimate Fucking Universe Everrrr!!! Oh, one more thing, Hicksy steals the Princess Leia holographic message Star Wars gimmick when he has Tony Stark deliver a holographic message from an object. I guess if you own Star Wars and Spidey it’s kosher and a natural fit but it was blatantly obvious. Despite all of these missteps and the mystery of whether it is or is not Yeezy, this book was a - uggh can’t believe I’m saying this, a joy to read.
I mean, let’s be real, this could turn into a dumpster fire real quick. Yeezy’s Green Goblin can start hurling swastikas at Spidey and before you know it this book will be dropped in the middle just like Dying & The Dead and Black Monday Murders. But as for right now, in this moment, I will cede and admit, it was a pretty damn great Spidey comic, despite the familiar tropes and stolen Obi Wan device.
Now look Hicksy, I’m still fucking pissed at you and I still want you to man up and finish what you started. Howeverrr, you just got me genuinely amped about a character that I haven’t been amped about since Slick Willie was in the White House banging interns; so that’s quite an accomplishment. Now, you know that there’s no way for Peter to be swinging around town with that Hipster beard under his skintight mask. I’m gonna haveta insist that he shaves his allegiance to Stumptown Coffee and Socialism off of his mug, unless of course Yeezy takes off the Greenie helmet and he has his Hipster beard as well. Then, all is forgiven. And I mean ALL.
Rating: 8.8
Verdict: Pull
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