CANARY #3 - Review & Snyder Psycho Analysis

 

I think I’ve figured out Scott Snyder, what makes him tick, and perhaps why some of his comics turn to poop. Maybe I’ve also figured out what reduces him to a quivering mess in his bed at night. Before I get into it I’d like to preface all of this by saying I consider Scott to be one of the pre eminent comic book writers of our time. He’s imaginative, versatile and wonderful at crafting engaging plots. I’ve said this before but his ‘Court of Owls’ run on the main Batman title is, in my opinion, the greatest Batman story ever told. His run on Batman was also one of the greatest runs on that comic, ever. But, if you’ll remember, it kind of ended oddly, didn’t it?

 

So let’s return back to the end of Snyder’s Batman run, it was the whole Mr. Bloom storyline, right? Now, I don’t remember the specifics of the story line but I do remember the final issues feeling rushed and out of sorts. The absolute last Synder issue was befuddling as somehow Commissioner Gordon became the hero, not Batman and, it just felt off. Now, this was a while ago but I distinctly remember putting that issue down with a bad taste in my mouth. Really? That’s how one of the greatest Bat writers ever goes out? Now, that’s neither here nor there but let’s take a look at the Bloom dude:

 

 

Pointy Talons, impaling people, tall, skinny. Okay, now catalog that image in your head. So, Snyder’s Batman run ends in 2016 but back in 2014 he put out a limited series called ‘Wytches’ which was an amazing horror comic. It may be one of my favorite horror comics of all time and I’m not a big fan of the horror genre. Anyway, it concealed the look of the actual Wytches of the story until the very end which really amped up the tension and intrigue; you had to know who these Wytches were. Well, once you saw them, I mean, look, it was still a great story but, I dunno, a little wacky, not gonna lie. It was kind of hard to find an image of them and there’s no way I’m searching through dozens of comic book boxes for the issues but they kind of looked like this

 

They were lanky with long arms, disproportionately large and small eye sockets, absurdly long talon-like fingers. Also, the main character ended up somehow entering one of the trees through a tree knot which led to this extensive subterranean lair that seemed to stretch for miles. At this point we got Bloom and Wytches. Okay, next up we have the Batman Who Laughs that became immensely popular during that whole ‘Metal’ run, which I thought was mediocre at best. Yeah, thinking back on that Metal stuff it was pretty bad. Like, I couldn’t even tell you what happened and there were a shit ton of issues; expensive ones I might add. Yet the crown jewel of that entire storyline was the creation of a dark alternate reality version of Batman called the ‘Batman who Laughs’. Clearly a Joker-esque character mold. Let’s take a look at the BWL:

 

 

Starting to see a pattern here? Tall, lanky, pointy dude things. Fast forward to his Dark Horse/Comixology Original reprints and he’s right back with the Pointies. His ‘We Have Demons’ was a complete and utter mess, gory, gross and generally silly BUT he did have copious amounts of spiky pointy things. Here's the cover of the first issue which could have been called 'We Have Spiky Nightmares'.

 

 

Next was ‘Night of the Ghoul’, which I reviewed here 'Night of the Ghoul', and sure enough look at what’s sloughing after the kid in another subterranean expanse that seems to go on forever:

 

 

Next up, his ‘Barnstormers’ story, one of my absolute favorites of 2023. Now, one would think, okay it’s a Romance in the skies type story so we’re not going to see any Snyder nightmare beings, actually, you’d be wrong about that. The main character dude is tormented by dreams of a tall lanky Robot with big shining eyes. Do I have to keep going???

 

Finally we’re at ‘Canary’. Now, I was really enjoying this one, a major page turner. Snyder, per usual, set up the world and main characters perfectly and really built the suspense through the first two issues. I had to know ‘What’s up with this mine? What’s in it? Why are people going bonkers because of it?’ Now through the first two issues there were some gruesome horrific elements but nothing too off the walls. I think Snyder crafted a fine balance between a grounded Mystery in a remote Western town with a cast of characters that weren’t clichéd or one dimensional at all. I genuinely was looking forward to the third issue and the big reveal.

Well, all this final issue revealed is that Scott Snyder needs therapy. This issue totally went off the rails, careening into the depths of Wackadoodleville. My goodness. What a shit show. What a disappointing mess. So our heroes find their way into the mine and gee, guess what, it goes down thousands and thousands of feet into a deep subterranean world that goes on forever; more subterranean empire stuff. The female lead’s Dad lords over the subterranean ‘Mine World’ and this is what he looks like.

 

Not only that, once our lead Vigilante dude comes upon the Spiky Emperor of shiny pointy things he finds that his two accomplices, the babe and the geologist dude, have been impaled through their midsections by Daddy Talonbucks. 

 

 

Major gripe alert, the chick and the dude who were run through by these elongated demon spikes obviously escape. Now, I can somehow believe their adrenaline fuels them to run at top speed from the Pointy Army of Death despite the fact that they have a major hole in their body that’s not been cauterized or stopped in any way. Yet once they get to the surface – what, nothing? Like, oh, yeah we were impaled but, yeah, that was a few pages ago. They don’t collapse, they don’t reach for the wound, it’s like it never happened. C’mon Scottie, deal with the pointy trauma.

 

Here’s what I think happened. Snyder starts with the pointy teeth theme with American Vampire in 2010. He then goes on to have a massive success with his Batman run which started around 2012 or so. With success comes great responsibility and pressure. At some point he probably went to therapy, or maybe even better, signed up for an Ayuhuasca ceremony to connect with the Great Spirit of comic book writing: Jack Kirby. One of these sessions went awry and it brought up a buried nightmare of his, that of a tall bug eyed lanky point fingered monster thingy that lived under his bed or in his closet as a child. I had one like this when I was kid, I was terrified of the Nosferatu Vampire, notice the similarities with the Synder Monster Canon?

 

Maybe Scott also saw Nosferatu as a kid and it drove him batty, no pun intended. So while enjoying Bat success he decides to exorcise his demons (perhaps his We Have Demons title is him admitting that he still has them) and writes Wytches; the first instance of the lanky bug eyed pointy monster thingy. Unfortunately it opens up a Pandora’s Box of repressed fear and psychosis for Snyder which spurs him on to write the Mr Bloom story line. As the story progresses Snyder regresses and becomes more and more volatile to the point where he’s a blubbering mess at DC Editorial meetings. He’s wailing ‘Pointy Pointy Pointy! BIG eyes! Big! Ooooh very big! Tall Big Pointy Pointy Pointy!’ At this point DC knows they have to can him or give him a break which is why Mr. Bloom ends with a thud.

 

Weeks later Snyder shows up to DC offices again. He’s been told to stay away for a couple of months to get his act together and see a shrink. He ignores this advice and completely loses his shit instead. He shows up to DC dressed up as the Batman who Laughs. Maybe he looked like this:

 

 

Of course, if you’re walking around New York City like this nobody is going to blink an eye. They’d just assume you’re in a Death Metal Band or work for the Mayor. Now, DC could either wrap him up in a straight jacket or squeeze the insanity out of him and release a whole new series of Snyder Stuff for $5-6 bucks a pop with foil covers and shit; make a killing. What do you think they did? The ‘Metal’ stuff was mind numbingly bad but DC made their cash and then they jettisoned the wack job. Since then Snyder’s been shaking in his writer’s chair, yelping ‘Pointy Pointy coming to get me’ every few minutes while he pops out new comic story lines.

 

He’s got his pointy fingers in the amazing new DSTLRY line with his upcoming ‘White Boat’ horror series. It remains to be seen if he’s exorcised the Nine Inch Nails from his psyche. Maybe DSTLRY did an intervention on him and shook him back to a balanced bad ass comic book writer. It's not that Scott's not one of the most talented writers in the industry. It just seems he can't help himself at the conclusion of each of his books to crumble into the Spiky Evil imagery that seems to torment him. Whatever the case may be, I’ll always drop coin for a Scott Snyder book. It may be bat shit crazy, but it’ll be wonderfully entertaining – at least until the Pointy Pointy shows up.

 

Rating: 6.1

Verdict: Don't ever point at Scott Snyder

February '24 Reading Round Up

 

The Fantastic Four Cinematic Experience has been rebooted more times that my crappy Commodore 64 computer was rebooted back in the 80s; the era of floppy discs and Q Bert. I don’t why it’s so hard to make a great FF Movie, seems like all the elements are there for a homerun flick. Perhaps it’s because every time we’ve seen The Thing in a FF movie we kind of snort laugh. They’ve never gotten The Thing right, it always makes me think ‘Oh that’s some sort of wacky polyurethane suit with glued on tchotchkes with an actor in it’. The scripts have also always been downright bleccch.

 

So it was with bated excitement that I was watching this new FF team of actors come together. So far it looked like they had knocked each one out of the park. I mean, the dude from ‘The Bear’ the greatest TV Show of 2023 (Ebon Moss-Burt-Bacharach) was an interesting choice. Is the Thing just going to be saying Cousin all of the time? Despite his lanky appearance I can totally see Ebon inhabiting the role of Ben Grimm so at this point it’s only a matter of them finally getting The Thing appearance right. And then, there’s Reed Richards…

 

Oy. He, for some reason, was the last missing piece and, well, I think they fucked it up. It is Marvisney, to be expected. Pedro Pascal is not Reed Richards. Period. I’ve not been enamored by Double P’s work. I thought he was straight up cheezy in the WW84 film and as far as Mando? He had a helmet on the entire time and pretty much delivered his lines monotone. But even if he was absolutely amazing in everything the dude is not Reed. Reed is an emotionally detached genius of logic and reasoning; a Spock-like character. Pedro is none of those things. I mean, I’m sure he can act the part, but his Reed will probably clasp Johnny on the shoulder after a mission, squeeze his trapezius and look him in his eyes and say ‘You did your best, hey, let’s grab a beer’. There is a warmth and congeniality of Pedro that I don’t think he can turn off. Perhaps I’ll be wrong. I hope he proves me wrong. But at first blush my thought is: Noooooooooooo!!!!

 

 

 

Let’s get into some books that I dove headfirst into.

 

 

 

Okay, after a mnyeh nothing special first issue this book officially jumped the fuck off and got wow. Damn, Bendis is a bad ass, what can I say. He just really knows how to rope you in and make you go ‘Wait, what the fuck is going to happen here?’ even if the premise isn’t amazing and even if you’re not invested in the lead. Halfway through the second issue I was pondering whether or not I should drop the book even though I love the masterful duo of Maleev and Bendis and before I knew I got hit with, ‘let’s put a fictional squad together based on some old squad dynamics’ and I got reeled in like a Marvel suit being offered a mound of coke in exchange for hiring a shitty editor.

 

 

 

 

A very unsatisfying thud of an ending to what was turning out to be a really well developed premise, at least for the first 4 issues. I feel like there’s about 3 or 4 issues left but it’s over. I’ll spoil it for you so you won’t have to waste your money on this. A chick is like, ‘Yo where my parents at? They went to this Virtual AI spot or something and now they’re gone’. Some nerdy tech dudes are like, ‘let’s make an AI Dude and you can control him to find your Mom and Pop Dukes in AI Land’. She’s like ‘Bet’ The AI Dude travels into AI Land and it’s wild and wacky and looks like Europe but with no people. Eventually he finds their parents and the dude they thought was a villain, isn’t. The chick is like ‘Yo, what the fuck?’ and her dad is like ‘Yo, it’s all good, we’re working with the AI Villain dude to create some ill ass fonky shit’. Maybe Issue 6 is where they send what they found from the year 3400 to Apple and that’s why we have these creepy AF Vision Pro wackjobs wandering around swiping their fingers in mid air at shit only they can see.

 

 

 

I wanted to pull a Psaki and circle back to Issue 5 of Dubz because it was nagging at me. So, all the ‘secondary nobody gives a damn about you Wonder Babes not named Wonder Woman’ are like, ‘Hey we want to help you fight the entire US Govt and the wacky loser DC characters that were sitting in a iMac hard drive from 2003 up until last month'. So Dubz is like ‘Okay, challenge my legit hero ass!’ So the Hot Latina Wonder Babe challenges her to bows and arrows. Now that’s perfectly fine and makes sense. Then the blonde Midwest Wonder Chick challenges Dubz to, wait for it, arm wrestling! Now hear me out on this, what if instead of some boring ass arm wrestling challenge Dubz and Dubz Jr had a Slap Fight! C’mon! Dude. Two Thunder Amazon Babes slapping the shit out each other while Redman’s Slap the Shit Out Ya is playing. You know damn well that this comic would be going for $80 on eBay like that Bat Cock book that was put out years ago.

 

 

Next, the final challenge is the Gen Z Dubz Doppelganger (I seriously could not tell who was who her) challenges Dubz, wait for it, to video games! Are you fucking kidding me??? So she’s challenges her to some Street Fighter game except it’s Batman vs Superman and Dubz takes Supes. Well of course, Supes wins but if I’m a Gen Z Gamer and I wanna beat Dubz at video why on earth would I challenge her to a fight game? Dude, challenge her to something like Madden! You telling me Dubz knows what a jet sweep is??? A flea flicker? Trips right? A fair catch? Look, I could beat Wonder Woman in Madden and I’m not even that good at it. Serious dropping of the ball here by King.

 

 

 

Took this creative team six months to pop out #4 of this 6 issue vignette series about Jazz. I don’t know what it is with the recent surge in ‘Hey, let’s take six months off of this comic’. It’s been happening in the industry at an alarming frequency. Usually it means they bit off more than they could chew, they’re whooped, or they have other shit going on. Maybe it’s like the NBA and Comic Creators need load management. Whatever the case may be it doesn’t always result in triumphant returns. More often that not it results in a mediocre to blah to yuck comic. In the case of Deep Cuts #4 it wasn’t that it was bad by any stretch of the imagination, but, I dunno, it felt a little off compared to the initial 3 issues. The narrative was a bit disjointed and hard to follow. I get what they were trying to do with the interviews and timeline jumping, but it was muddy. Look, jumping around timelines and going back and forth is not an easy task. Still, it’s beautiful to look at and I appreciate the subject matter so I’m down for the final 2 issues, but, yeah, this one was mnyeh.

 

 

 

If you’re a burgeoning comic book writer and you’d like a primer on how to develop a series and hook a reader from the start and at the end of each issue then I highly suggest you buy up all of the Jeff Lemire comics you can find. Seriously, you can forgo paying for any MasterClass or online seminar; just read Jeff. It doesn’t matter what the premise is or how wacky it might get, and man does it get fucking wacky, he’ll have a hook your brain that’ll compel you to see what happens next; without fail. Once you get into a Lemire book you never drop it, ever. He’s the master.

 

 

 

 

 

I actually started to write a full on deep dive review of this book. I got it at the last minute as I saw reviewers were frothing at the mouth over it. I will say, yeah, the art is really lovely, but when I got to the end – just wasn’t feeling like I wanted to continue. Same thing happened with the review, I just wasn’t motivated to finish it. It’s like you go on a date with a chick and she’s cute, has the same interests, laughs at your jokes, doesn’t seem crazy, yet after you drop her off you’re already wondering who you’re going to go out with next. Nothing wrong with her, she just doesn’t give you the ‘Wow’. Now your platonic female friend who wears bandanas, listens to Solfeggio frequency music and has 3 cats will say, give her a chance, get to know her, let it unfold and I’ll say:

 

‘Coffee Dates cost $25 in LA these days, fonk dat!’.

 

 

 

My goodness this was a fucking amazing comic. 

 

Period.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Happy Reading!

 

- IB

Miracleman: The Silver Age #7 - Deleted Scene

 

Are these two about to punch each other or about to kiss each other on the cover? Hard to say, but whatever it is MiracleMan has finally come to an end! Well, not really, but, at least this ‘Age’ is over. It was a – well, a decent but not stupendous finale to what ended up boiling down to a disagreement over a smoocheroo that came out of the blue. This run of 7 issues had its ups and downs for sure. Some moments popped, some dropped and some just elicited a copious amount of eye rolls.

 

Sure it’s still one of the greatest comic book concepts in the history of comic books. However, it’s as if the Beatles were working on their final album and then handed it off to someone else, perhaps Dylan or Elton or even the Stones, perish the thought. No matter what they would have done with it, it never would have been as great; just different. So perhaps we should have expected different but not great from the great Neil Gaiman.

 

Anyway, guess what I got my hands on??? A scene that was cut from the final issue of the Silver Age. Don’t ask me how I got it, it wasn’t easy. Every time I walked into Whole Foods I kept hearing everyone murmuring about this “insane” deleted scene from MM that’s been circulating on the dark web. Some have apparently seen it on the periphery of their Apple Vision Pro experiences; always out of reach. Well, after a lot of nasty business I’m going to present it to you in all its glory. Don’t ever tell me I don’t do right by you guys.

 

It takes place right after this page when MM flies to Jordan to meet Dicky.

 

 

Dicky slithers around the corner of the mountain and puts his hands on his hips.

 

Dicky: You’re a tart

 

MM: A what?

 

Dicky: Tart, as in a whore, you’re a Miraculous Tart.

 

MM: Dicky -

 

Dicky: Don’t call me that, your little tart nickname of me.

 

MM: I don’t -

 

Dicky: What’s my real name? Neville? Earnest? Oswald?

 

MM: It’s always been Dicky

 

Dicky: Yes it’s always been your little cock fantasy hasn’t it. What did you do? Get together with Gargunza the Troll to create a tidy man-hole to play with to satisfy your wicked perversions

 

MM: I did nothing of the sort.

 

Dicky: Lying little bitch.

 

MM: You’re part of the Pantheon. You’re -

 

Dicky: I’m part of your little wet hole brothel in the sky! What, you think you dress us up in fancy Miracle garb it makes us anything else other than a sucky fucky whenever you want us.

 

MM: Dauntless –

 

Dicky: Couldn’t just subsist on your Tart-Theon you had to plant one on me eh?

 

MM: I care for you Dicky

 

Dicky: You’re a bored old perv who can have and have had anybody you’ve ever wanted. I was just another notch on your Man Pussy belt.

 

MM: My Man what?

 

Dicky: Your Naughty Bits Abacus!

 

MM: Let me ask the Qys if that’s some of their tech.

 

Dicky: [tearing up] This would never have happened if your Twat Spigot of a Wife with her 80s Power Bitch Haircut never suggested you snog me.

 

MM: It’s been in me since the dawn of time, I lo –

 

[Dicky transforms into Leslie Jones and Miracle Man transforms into Steven Yeun with Tits.]

 

Dicky: What the actual shit?

 

MM: Oh, bloody hell.

 

Dicky: Is this some joke? You’re about to profess your love to me and you turn into a diminutive Asian man with big knockers?!?

 

MM: It’s Neil.

 

Dicky: Neil?

 

MM: Yes, our Authoritarian Author. He’s decided to be more inclusive and diverse for this moment. Look at yourself.

 

Dicky: What the fuck is this shit? Oh hell fucking no.

 

MM: Yes, he’s prone to these whimsical casting alterations from time to time.

 

Dicky: You tell that –

 

MM: You tell him, I’m more than spent from wheezing to the heavens at him

 

Dicky: [wails to the sky] Look motherfucker, change my ass back or I’m a bust your Gremlin looking fizzace with a quickness.

 

MM: Look at your purple haired girlfriend.

 

Dicky turns to see Meta now transformed into a Handicapped Native American Little Person.

 

Meta: I’m glad you no longer look like Colonizers.

 

Beat

 

Dicky: He did the same shit for his dumb ass Sandman series on Netflix.

 

MM: Yes, he most certainly did.

 

Dicky: That show sucked.

 

MM: I would tend to agree with you.

 

Dicky: Why did he cast Meshell Ndegeocello as Lucien? Amazing musician -

 

MM: Yes I love her work dearly

 

Dicky: Can’t act for shit.

 

MM: There were – many questionable moves.

 

Dicky: That show was drivel.

 

MM: Quite drivelous.

 

Dicky: Driveltastic.

 

MM: The driveliest for sure.

 

Dicky: You’re not allowed to fuck up Sandman.

 

MM: Seems like he did.

 

Dicky: And now he’s fucking us up.

 

MM: I wouldn’t necessarily call it a fuck-up, per se –

 

Dicky: What would you call it??

 

MM: The Miraculous Smooch he always wanted to see.

 

Dicky: Look at us now though, it’s fucking ridiculous

 

MM: It leans into the theater of absurd.

 

Dicky: You are very cute though. You in your Male Asian actor of the moment suit.

 

MM: Yes well –

 

Dicky/Leslie moves in to kiss MM/Steven. MM backs away and holds up his hand.

 

Dicky: What are you doing?

 

MM: What are you doing?

 

Dicky: I’m giving you what you wanted, your Dicky smooch, and maybe more, take your – Christ, where the hell is the zipper on this suit

 

MM: Dicky, please, I’m not really feeling -

 

Dicky: You don’t want to kiss me! You racist!

 

MM: I’m not a racist, please.

 

Dicky: You most certainly are! Oh, you wanted to kiss me as a shiny blonde alabaster boy toy but, what, now I’m too much for you?

 

MM: We all have our predilictions and proclivities and –

 

Dicky: Unfuckingbelievable!

 

MM: [Looks to the sky] Neil! That’s enough! Enough I say!

 

They are transformed back to their original selves.

 

MM: Now, where were we? [leans in for a kiss]

 

Dicky: Eww, gross, back off.

 

MM: Dicky –

 

 

There were a bunch of lines after this but they were redacted for some reason, all blacked out. Well, I hope you enjoyed this little detour onto the cutting room floor of the Great Gaiman. Fortunately, or perhaps unfortunately, MiracleMan is continuing in the ‘Dark Age’, and – no comment.

 

Rating: 8.1

Verdict: Keep Pulling and Yanking

ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN #1 - Review

 

I got a bone to pick with you Hickman. Shit, I got a whole skeleton to pick with you. Me dropping 6 buckaroos on the first Spider-Man book I’ve purchased in over, oh I dunno, 30 years, gives me the right to rip you a new one since it’s your name on the book. Honestly, I don’t think I’ve bought a Spidey book since those McFarlane days back in the 90s. Those were the fucking days, when comics meant something and Heroes were fucking Heroes. Yeah, I’m amped up for this review so if you’re a jittery easily triggered neurologically damaged dweeby snowflake who drinks decaf with soy milk and eats spelt cookies sweetened with tear duct sugar then this may not be the place for you and your fragile psych.

 

Hickman, you Son of a Bitch! You left me hanging, twice! Maybe you’ve forgotten, hmm? You started two books, which were fucking amazing, and just ghosted the book! Don’t give me your excuses, who fucking does that? Who just stops writing a comic book??? Have you ever gone to a movie and it just stops halfway? You ever buy a novel that’s unfinished? Ever buy an album and all the songs just stop for no fucking reason? For those of you who may not know I’m talking about ‘The Dying and the Dead’ and the ‘Black Monday Murders’ two unbelievably spectacular comic books that not only looked beautiful beyond words but had some of the most engaging plots of the past decade or so – and yet, they just, stopped. Stopped. Dude, I get ghosted enough in my life, I don’t need comic books making me feel abandoned and wondering if they’re wrapped around some douchebag’s dick on a forever pool rather than sitting in my hands because I’m inadequate.

 

Do you hang out with Matt Fraction and talk shit about how you’ve left mad plots and story arcs hanging while smoking spliffs and peeing on pictures of Zdarsky??? Fraction, that’s another guy, leaving me hanging, Casanova, ODYC, WTF?!? You know who I would actually like to leave me hanging? Marvel. Like, every piece of content they’re working on, all of them. Like, just walk away from all of the comic books and movies, like, today, just drop them, all of them, so someone else who actually cares more about the story than the variant cover can deliver the goods to people who are starving for comics that make them go fuck yeah.

 

So, why pick this comic up if I’m so ornery, vindictive and kvetchy about Hicksy and Marvisney? Because it’s still Hicksy. Hicksy brings the ruffneck bizness. It’s like if Quentin Tarantino was tasked to direct the next mind numbing MCU flop with characters that nobody’s ever heard of, I’d be there opening night, cuz, well, it’s QT! I’d love to see a bunch of has-been actors cursing at the top of their lungs while riddling bullets at each other in front of cheezy AI graphics while Sam Jackson playing Nick Fury finally gets to say Mofo in a Marvisney movie. That’s why I picked this comic up, and guess what, it’s really good.

 

Dammit Hickman! This book is fucking good! What the hell! Uggh, I can’t lie, I want to, but I can’t. That final panel with Peter standing on the roof after becoming Spidey for the first time gave me all the feels. I even peeked ahead online to find out when the second issue was coming out. I did! Apparently I already pulled it, who knew??? Look, Hicksy can spin a tale and Checetto can draw his ass off, I mean, this should have been great no matter what. I guess I’m so used to everything coming out of Marvel’s Printing Press to be unadulterated poop the fact that it wasn’t is jarring.

 

I had zero context or idea about anything coming into this comic. I have no idea what an ‘Ultimate Universe’ is or what Spidey’s been doing for the past 30 years. Apparently he married MJ, popped out a couple of kids and grew a Hipster beard. Is he working at Micro-Brewery now? REI? Is he making calls for Bernie Sanders? Look at that beard! Did he join Kabbalah and help everyone out by spinning the red yarn bracelets in bulk from his Spidey goo? Peter looks like he hangs out with Ben Affleck and is working on a low budget documentary that Affleck is funding. I do not like this beard at all. I can see Parker with mutton chops or a little hippie patch underneath his bottom lip. This beard makes him look like he’s gonna be cast as the butt of a Larry David joke in a ritzy hotel. 

 

 

Oh, since we’re on facial hair and this is technically another Universe, ya think that J. Jonah could finally ditch the Hitler stache??? Nobody in their right or left or up in the air mind could ever look in a mirror before they shave and consciously say ‘Yup, I’m keeping the Adolph!’ Like, no way that happens. I think it’s time J. Jonah either goes clean or grows out a bushy Sam Elliott type stache. I mean, look at this guy, it’s a perfect Jonah stache. Shit, maybe Sam Elliott should run the Daily Bugle.

 

One more other gripe: the Green Goblin. Oy, I’m so over Greenie and his little rocket ship. Over it. Enough already and enough with Normie. Normie was officially ruined by Jamea Franco when he threw so many bad acting moments at that role 20 years ago it almost caused the MCU to implode before it got started. My goodness, he was fucking awful. Next, look at Greenie’s suit. It’s either Iron Man meets the Incredible Hulk or it’s Yeezy.

 

I’m gonna say it’s Yeezy, which would be incredible. I can totally see Yeezy rocking this outfit. Did you see what he wore to the Super Bowl??? Google it, it's too creepy to even post let alone look at again.

 

If Hicksy is Ballsy enough to have had Yeezy be the guy Normie calls to be Greenie that would be the most Ultimate Fucking Universe Everrrr!!!  Oh, one more thing, Hicksy steals the Princess Leia holographic message Star Wars gimmick when he has Tony Stark deliver a holographic message from an object. I guess if you own Star Wars and Spidey it’s kosher and a natural fit but it was blatantly obvious. Despite all of these missteps and the mystery of whether it is or is not Yeezy, this book was a - uggh can’t believe I’m saying this, a joy to read.  

 

I mean, let’s be real, this could turn into a dumpster fire real quick. Yeezy’s Green Goblin can start hurling swastikas at Spidey and before you know it this book will be dropped in the middle just like Dying & The Dead and Black Monday Murders. But as for right now, in this moment, I will cede and admit, it was a pretty damn great Spidey comic, despite the familiar tropes and stolen Obi Wan device.

 

Now look Hicksy, I’m still fucking pissed at you and I still want you to man up and finish what you started. Howeverrr, you just got me genuinely amped about a character that I haven’t been amped about since Slick Willie was in the White House banging interns; so that’s quite an accomplishment. Now, you know that there’s no way for Peter to be swinging around town with that Hipster beard under his skintight mask. I’m gonna haveta insist that he shaves his allegiance to Stumptown Coffee and Socialism off of his mug, unless of course Yeezy takes off the Greenie helmet and he has his Hipster beard as well. Then, all is forgiven. And I mean ALL.

 

Rating: 8.8

Verdict: Pull

 

ZORRO: MAN OF THE DEAD #1 - Review

 

 

I’m officially starting to get worried for my homie Murph the Great. After an extensive string of can’t do no wrong bonafide hits, one after the other after the other he’s kind of fallen off the wagon. It kinda happened right when the majestic Batman: The White Knight series ended. Since then he’s dropped, or more like plopped, a comic called ‘Plotholes’ which had this wacky idea that some rag tag group of literary archetypes were going around and saving books from having bad plots. It was genuinely ironic since this group should have been working on their own comic. It was the first time in history that I stopped pulling a Murphy comic. Now there’s this: Zorro.

 

Before I even get into the Big Z, I have to ask, what the hell is going on with the supposed White Knight: Wonder Woman and White Knight: Justice League? I thought that was coming down the pike after he was done with Bats? Weren’t we all super duper psyched for this shit? He teased it at the end of his last White Knight and we all almost spontaneously combusted, at least I did. Since then? Nada. This is the equivalent of sending me nudes on a dating app and then deleting me from your chat the next day.

 

 

 

I literally just googled for White Knight Wonder Woman and got jack diddly poo. I did the same for Justice League, where are they? Am I using the wrong search terms? Is it on the dark web? Has it been renamed The Indigenous Knight and the Wonder Person by DC for their DEI/ESG score? The last update is from February of last year! What the hell! Has it been canned??? DC! You rat bastards, what hast thou done!?!?

 

See, now this makes sense. If I’m Murph, I’m totally floored. While his hot wife Katana is out on tour promoting her erotic fiction he’s probably at a dive bar in Sherman Oaks, drowning his sorrows over some piss water made by some hipsters in Glendora while munching on a basket of fake potato GMO fries made from monkfruit and bugs. I bet during his drunken stupor a fanboy waddled over to him and encouraged him to keep the creative juices flowing. That’s when Murphy pitched the kid in the Bat Suit below the idea he came up with when he was 10 years old and working for the school library, the one about the literary characters saving books from bad writing.

 

 

The fanboy probably exclaimed “That sounds awesome dude!” Then Murph, after puking up the bug fries on the fanboy’s sailor moon t-shirt, probably pitched him dream his project of doing a Zorro book set today amidst the Mexican Cartel crisis. The fanboy, now sensing he could get an inapproptiate handy from Murph and then sue him for it later, probably extolled the idea as genius and asked Murph to follow him to the Men’s room. I hope Murph passed out by this point.

 

Anyway, where to begin, umm, yeah, sure, let’s put a kid who’s been a mute since his childhood due to his dad being shot to death in public by the Cartel for simply dressing up as a fictional character, all of a sudden decide to don the costume and take on the cartel after his sister, who for some ridiculous reason has been working for the Cartel as a driver, shoots one of their henchmen. Of course the kid carves a Z into one of the henchmen who returns to the cartel with a bloody Z on his chest.

 

The only logical follow up from this development is if in the following issue the kid in the Zorro outfit is carved up with the entire alphabet on his body with some cuneiform and Sanskrit thrown in for shits and giggles. I can’t even begin to describe what would happen to his sister. Hmm, perhaps this is what our raging border crisis needs! Zorro! Some dude in a black silk outfit and an epee swash buckling his way up and down the Rio Grande is what this country needs! That’s what will stop the fentanyl from pouring into the country, why didn’t we think of this earlier?!?

 

Maybe the timing of this book isn’t right. Maybe if it was released in the 80s or 90s when drug culture and the idea of the cartel was more of a romantic notion than a real one. But I dunno, if you had a comic where Flash Gordon saves the world from school shootings I think it’d be a clunker if it was released next week. I think that’s why it’s so frustrating that hero books suck so bad right now. It would be wonderful if we could escape for a few minutes into an amazing hero comic these days. Escape into a world where the good guy actually does take down the bad guy since our world doesn’t seem to provide much of that at all. The genius of Murphy was that he created a completely new world for Bats and used it to work through a lot of themes and story lines that would never have been possible in the normal DC Universe. It’s why it worked so brilliantly and it’s why I’m fucking dying for more. Alas, the well has run dry.

 

Look, Batman no matter what alternative Universe he’s from isn’t gonna be able to take down the Cartel, you think a kid who’s been working on his fencing skills with Gramps is going to do it??? I get that in a world that has gone mad we feel helpless and in moments of despair we fantasize about fantastical wild solutions to complex and savage problems. But the idea of ‘Zorro takes on the Cartel’ should have been shot down in a pitch meeting like a clay target at a skeet shooting range. Howeverrrrr, I will say this, it’s only four issues and it be slim pickings out there so I’m probably gonna drop the remaining $12 on the remaining 3 issues unless issue 2 really jumps a whole ocean of sharks. Murphy can still draw his ass off and you know what? Sure, Zorro and his Sis vs. the Cartel, and go! Let’s see what you got.

 

Maybe Murphy needs to send his Zorro to a local Whole Foods. He can do that thing that the bouncing smiling face did in those Walmart commercials as it slashed prices. The Big Z can bound down the aisles on his horse slashing prices back to 2019. Now that would be some heroic shit right there: Dude, Zorro just reduced my organic free range non GMO eggs down from $12 to $6! Wait, I think that's just the homeless dude from outside on a stuffed animal...

 

 

Rating: 7.3

Verdict: Pull for the Name not the Game.