WONDER WOMAN #1 (2023) - Review

 

Pre-Date Jitters

 

It’s been a while since Double Dubs main title and I have gone out. It’s not that I’m not attracted to her it’s just that, well, she’s been a sequential art shit show for over 10 years and counting. I never was really into Double Dubs. I’m not into tall burly women who have gadgets that make you confess everything to them:

 

‘Yes I’m late because I was watching the game and checking on a fantasy football injury update it had nothing to do with traffic, okay? Get this lasso thingy off of me!’

 

But back when the New 52 was born I decided to check out Azzarello and Chiang’s ‘Wonder Woman’, it looked like it was going to be amazing, and it was. That comic began right as I started living with my soon to be fiancé/soon to be ex fiancé. She loved how I took it easy in the mornings and had a cup of joe with a comic before I started my days so she would sometimes join me. There were only two comics she would read: Saga…and Azzarello and Chiang’s Wonder Woman.

To this day I consider that run along with Batman’s ‘Court of Owls’. which also started in the New 52, as one of the best hero book runs I’ve ever experienced in my entire life; it was that good.

 

But all good things they say never last and neither did Chiangarello’s Double Dubz. Since then, well, the comic has fucking sucked, like totally putrid. I check on it every now and then at my LCS, flip through the pages and roll my eyes, uggh, what is this tripe. Now granted, last year’s ‘Wonder Woman: Historia’ was one the best things I read last year, it was a masterpiece. But that wasn’t an ongoing, that was a Black Label Droperoo. Oh, what hast thou done to my label of Adult Darkness DC??? Tis now a Poop Label.

 

Anyway, word on the street was that Dub Dubz was back and in full effect. King was bringing the ruckus. Oy, Tom King. Can’t say I’ve been a fan of King when it comes to him doing the tights and capes. Everything feels off during his runs for some reason. Yet in the past year he has lorded over one of the best ongoing series to date, ‘Love Everlasting’ an absolute beast of a comic that has dropped 10 amazing issues in a row. I’m chomping at the bit for the next arc. So, since King has created such a smash of a book it had me thinking ‘Hmm, maybe he can take some of that ‘Love’ juju and bring it to the Dubz. I was skeptical yet intrigued.

 

So here I am, about to flip through my comic rack, find Dubz #1 and sit down. I’m genuinely nervous. It’s like that babe who you saw years ago, had an amazing time with, she went batshit crazy on you, but you followed her on Insta, and then one day your buddy said he ran into her and she looked amazing, eventually in a moment of loneliness you DM her and before you know it you’re meeting her for bagels at the dope Bagel spot in Culver city. Fuck. Okay, here we go…

 

 

The Date

Well, umm, she looks a little weird, at least on the cover. Is it me? I mean, it looks like her head is a bit smaller than it should be, like the proportion is off. Look at it:

 

 

I mean, did she just get that buff that her chest and shoulders just exploded on her? I dunno, did AI draw this cover, what’s going on here. I’m a little put off just by looking at it and I legitimately stared at it for several minutes before opening it.

 

Okay, so just to be clear, I have no idea what’s been going on in this book at all or what this Dawn of DC crapola is or what the DC Universe at large has to do with Dubz at all, I’m coming in completely cold. So it’s clear that Amazons are now living all over the United States. Why? Why would they leave Paradise for this crumbling empire that is fat, sick, angry and ready to call you a bigoted racist nazi just for asking them the time? Okay, so Amazons and their, wait, their wives and daughters have moved in to the US and they’re living everywhere. Umm, I’m not so sure that’s gonna work outside of NY, LA, Miami or Frisco but, whatever.

 

The first scene is of some Blonde Amazon, killing, yes killing, 19 greaseball/douchebags in a greaseball/douchebag bar/pool hall in the middle of nowhere in Montana. At first I though Dubz went blondie, yowza hubba hubba, but turns out it was some other Amazonian. Can we just admit that having these women called the Amazons is a bit of a mind fuck since the company Amazon pretty much rules the country? Maybe the Amazons were moved here by Amazon to be the Amazon army? Now that I can believe. Maybe the Amazons are going to be the ones who finally track down and beat the shit out of all these porch thieves? Maybe they’re going to replace the drones that never worked and fly around everywhere so I could technically get my ridiculously expensive doggie jerky treats for my little baby in 15 minutes or less, delivered by a 6 foot babe in a shiny metallic outfit? 

 

Before you call me crazy let's just acknowledge the fact that Amazon employees consider themselves Amazonians. Look:

 

 Amazon Amazonians

 

 

Now I can’t stop thinking about a horde of Amazon Delivery Babes delivering stuff all day long in invisible Amazon vans, putting the comic down for a bit.

 

 

Okay, I’m back from my Amazon Amazonian Delivery Service fantasy, it was lovely. Okay, wait, why the fuck is a drop dead gorgeous Amazon babe going to a bar which looks like douchebag central and then getting upset when a douchebag, who has probably never been close to a babe such as this, goes to touch her? What did you expect to happen? Did you think they were going to sit you down and debate which brand is a better non-dairy option for coffee creamers??? Then she kills all the dudes? Like, kills them. Actually dead.

 

This is like if I had met that bat shit crazy babe who I hadn’t seen in 10 years and she told me that she now owned an Uzi and has been acquitted multiple times of murdering home invaders due to her lawyers claiming self defense. Since when do Amazons kill loser dudes?

 

Predictably the response is that some weirdo Fed guy who has a steel hand that shoots bullets is now put in charge of some lethal government task force that is responsible for gathering up all the Amazonians and shipping them out of the country. Congress passes the 'Amazon Safety Act' which I'm sure a bunch of small business owners got excited about until they realized it was about a fictional super hero. I’m not sure if King is making a commentary on our out of control illegal immigration issue or not. Now I’m on edge, is this going turn into some political diatribe, oy King, you’re killing me.

 

The task force is now apparently rounding Amazons and also killing some of them. Umm, is this the new DC? Is Batman killing people now? How about Supes? This seems a little over the top for me and excessively violent for a Dubz story. Now Amazons are all outlaws and so is Dubz and, hmm, reminds me of a bunch of hero books where the Hero is now the outcast of society blah blah, Marvisney has been doing that trope for years. Oy, King! WTF???

 

I’m getting cranky, I’m shifting in my La-Z-Boy, I’ve spilled a bit of coffee, this reunion date is not going well…until Dubz finally shows up. Oh thank goodness. King finally takes the gloves off and flexes his muscles and the results are stupendous. I mean, it’s not like he reinvented the Wonder Woman wheel but the whole scene with Dubz at a cemetery in the snow surrounded by Fed Goons and the new Fed Yucky and his Steel Glove was just perfect. Looked like Daniel Sampere saved his best work for that scene as well. Hey there hubba hubba:

If I was on my ten year reunion date with my former Batshit GF it would be here where she would tell me a hilarious story that would have me in tears while being cutesy and endearing. Then a book would fall out of her pocketbook entitled ‘How to make the Best Sandwich for a Guy who’s Watching his Favorite Team Play’ and I’d be all googly eyed.

 

We then get the introduction of some new villain who supposedly is orchestrating the Amazon persecution. Some old crotchety hawk-nosed grump who sits on a throne in a room with a masonic checkerboard floor. Hmm, is King going for the 'Conspiracy' angle? Last time I read a comic book dude try the conspiracy angle it was Tynion doing the 'Department of Truth' which was a department of mish mosh half baked caca ideas that pulled from a disparate amount of urban myths and actual verified ideas. Uggh, Tynion's a putz. 

I dunno, this villain could turn out be a complete goof or he could be powerfully imagined; it could go either way. I mean, this is DC, a comic book universe where goofiness reigns supreme. After the final frame where this villain is introduced you're thinking hmm, is this goofy or cool AF, then you turn the page and DC is promoting some are you effin' kidding me series where the Justice League meets Godzilla vs King Kong ahahahahahahahaha soo frikkin' corny!

Post Date Vibes

Hmm, well, I'm interested, this is interesting, Dubz is interesting. It's been a while since my interest has been piqued in Dubz's main title. Piqued has two meanings though, one is to be stimulated the other is to be resentful or irritated. I can see myself getting piqued by this series really quickly; it could go either way, I'm on the fence. It's like, hmm my Batshit Ex seems different, she seems like she's on the ball, she seems like she's turned a new leaf, but Batshit is lurking inside of that temptress, does it come out and if so when and how much and is it during Monday Night Football? How many sandwiches get made for me until she tosses the plate at my head and presses my face between two slices of sourdough?

I'd have more faith if this was a Black Label title, feels like writers on Black Label get way more leeway than they do on the cheaper ongoing titles. I guess I'm down for a second date even though I know it could turn into a dumpster fire.

We'll go on a hike somewhere. Yeah, a hike, zero money invested, in public, separate cars. It'll be lovely. Or, it'll be a Justice League meets King Kong and Godzilla unmitigated disaster. Man, it's rough out here tryna date.

Rating: 7.5

Verdict: Pull

RARE FLAVOURS #1 - Review

 

Boy, this one almost slipped through my fingers and my pull list. Seems like it got zero press, zero previews and zero hype from comic book hype machines. Can’t figure out why not, this creative team is the same one that was behind the mind blowingly amazing ‘The Many Deaths of Laila Starr’ which dropped a few years ago. That was legitimately one of the best series of the year and one of the most unique stories I had read in quite some time. It vaulted Ram V into the ‘writer of the moment’ conversation and predictably he was given a bunch of high profile DC books to lord over.

 

As I cringed and anticipated a massive failure from his transition into major hero books Ram shut me the hell up and put out an eye poppingly great Aquaman masterpiece with Christian Ward entitled ‘Aquaman:Andromeda’. Aquaman. He knocked an Aquaman story out of the park. The exit velo was off the charts. My goodness, that book was a triumph. I then followed Ram a Dalai Lama Ding Dong down the DC Doo Doo trail into their cheap $3.99 books and predictably he wasn’t able to transcend the titles he was assigned to. I’m completely baffled by this. It keeps me up at night.

 

Why do creators crash and burn on the $3.99 Big Poo titles? I mean, it doesn’t actually keep me up at night. Maybe when I feel my little Princess staring deep into my soul at 4am which causes me to wake up and lift the covers so she can burrow herself underneath them, maybe then, as I tossing and turning to go back to bed I may think ‘why did Ram V’s Detective Comics run feel like a cheese grater against my nuts?’

 

So as this team got back together to drop this series I’m wondering why wasn’t this trumpeted from the roof tops? My initial thought was, oh this looks bad. The logline and solicit made it seem like it was some sort of cannibalistic horror comic that followed around some fatso who, I dunno, ate something fancy and then ate someone fancy. I pulled it nonchalantly, it is Boom! after all. Boom! Which is kinda like “Boom! You bought another wack ass comic from us!” Granted, they have been getting better. A Vicious Circle is one of the best books I read this past year even if it is taking them six months or more to put out an issue.

 

Why didn’t Boom! go all in on this book? I did see them put out some $3 preview book or something called an “Ashcan” a month before which seemed superfluous. What’s an ashcan? Isn’t it supposed to be some mini comic yet it’s not it’s normal sized but it only has 10 pages of material. Huh? Maybe this was Boom! going all in on the creative team. Maybe it’s just that something spectacular these days is easily swept under the rug of the Big Poo’s major releases and incessant drama. The only thing we can do is stay vigilant and pore over the weekly solicits with a fine tooth comb to make sure that great books do not in fact fall through the cracks but get snatched up mightily by the geeks at large so that publisher’s realized that greatness will in fact be rewarded by the marketplace.

 

And, yes, this book is fucking great.

 

It’s so obvious right out the gate too. You’re just swept up right into this world by Ram V’s supple word combinations and Filipe Andrade’s distinct and visually satisfying artistic style. They’re building off their Laila Starr premise by introducing another Deity/Demon who adopts a human form to fulfill an ambition of theirs. This particular demon is called a ‘Rakshasa’, which sounds like Shakshuka, a yummy Middle Eastern breakfast dish. 

 

 

 

Has a punk band adopted the name ‘Shakshuka’ yet? C’mon punkos, it’s perfect. The alternative spelling of Shakshuka is Chakchouka which you know has to be the name of new Star Wars character that Marvisney plans to introduce in their next Disney Minus series. Maybe he’ll be an Ewok Warlord, I can see that. Bring back the Ewoks! C'mon Marvisney, you haven't ruined that memory yet, time to make a clean sweep of all my Star Wars happiness and turn it into misery.

 

At any a rate, a Rakshasha is a demon/ shapeshifter that can take the form of an animal or human if it’s a male. If it’s a female Rakshasha it can only take the form of a beautiful woman. Clearly female Rakshasha’s think it’s a hoot to upload dating profiles to all the dating apps. I think I just matched with a female Rakshasha. She’ll take three weeks to reply in 10 words or less to my well thought out, audience tested, flip yet emotionally mature audio message. I’ll sit patiently and anxiously for a day biting my fingernails, waiting for the moment to reply so as to appear busy and preoccupied with my full work and dating schedule; all for naught. Damn, these fucking Rakshasha’s got me all twisted! At least now, thanks to Ram V, I know that they’re actual demons, and Hindu ones at that. Yeah. Indian babes have always looked at me like I’m a plate of food that just fallen on the floor. I have zero chance with them so this Rakshasha demon horde infiltrating my dating app preference makes total sense.

 

Back to this spectacular comic. This particular demon has a dream to become an Anthony Bourdain type celebrity and enlists some wayward musty filmmaker dude to shoot the documentary of his journey into food. Obviously some blood and guts occurs but it is downplayed enough that it doesn’t turn the book into a gore fest which is what I was expecting when I saw the solicits. This is just another magical premise by this creative duo and I hope that Boom! or whomever signs them to a long term deal to continue pumping out stories like this for the near future.

 

We can’t let books like this slip away into the comic book memory holes. We have to support them. We have to make sure the marketplace takes notice when real dyed in the wool artists come together to put out their special brand of special. Is this going to be made into a show or a film, of course it won’t. Will it smash records on social media shares, of course it won’t. It’s a story that’s perfectly made for the medium of comics and it should be celebrated as such. Boom! You did good! Pow! Right in the Kisser Ralph Kramden Good!

 

Rare Flavours: An under the radar smash from an Indy Publisher. Rare indeed.

 

 

Rating: 9.7

Verdict: Pull

DAREDEVIL #1 (2023) - Review

 

 

When you’re in a long term relationship with someone you get to see various sides of them. You get to see them evolve, devolve, look this way, look that way, talk this way, talk that way, hate something, then love it, love something then hate it so much you can’t even mention it, and so on and so on; you will run the gamut with them. That’s the beauty of being with someone for a long time. That and being able to fart around each other.

 

Being in a relationship with a Comic Book character is similar but different. The difference being, it’s as if someone were orchestrating the changes of your lover over time from afar. Like they were hired by Ed Harris in the ‘Truman Show’ control room to make changes to Truman’s wife on the fly. In the case of the Big Poo (Marvisney & DC) they’re in all likelihood orchestrating the events of your comic book characters from Satan’s ante chamber, or at least it seems like it's been that way for the past several years.

 

Needless to say I’ve broken up with almost all of my Hero characters. I’ll date Batman every now and then but it’s more like a GFE than it is actually seeing him on a regular basis. Hey, I’ve got a date with Wonder Woman this week, I hear she’s gotten her shit together; we shall see. As for Marvisney, it’s been one heartbreak after the next. My first true love, the Hulk, has been a basket case and a fucking red hot mess for years. Moon Knight was like my secret little bang bang on the side but now he’s been pimped out to the masses and I don't recognize him anymore; same with Black Panther who’s now more like a Wack Puma. Then, there’s Daredevil:

 

Through thick and thin, while garbage creative team after garbage creative team were put on other Marvisney books Double D was consistently Double your pleasure great. Didn’t matter who was on the title, it could not fail. When Zdarsky, who became the Big Poo’s little darling, joined both Bat Mizzle and Dare Dizzle I was skepticizzle. How can the guy who drew Anime cum angels in Sex Criminals be expected to carry two of the biggest hero books in the industry? Well, as it turns out he couldn’t. Batmizzle was dog pizzle and Daredizzle started out really wonderfully and then descended into one wretched plot development after the next. So I broke up with DD. It was hard. I wept. I played ‘Faithfully’ by Journey over and over.

 

 

But as I stated recently, I stalked Daredevil as one does after you break up with someone and we reunited for it’s grand finale in my La-Z-Boy for old time’s sake. Double D put out. Double D came wit dat boom bap. Yeah, it was a bummer that Chippy Z didn’t stop time so that Matt Murdock could take a dump in a flower pot in Marvisney’s office but he delivered a touching heartfelt goodbye to a series that clearly meant a lot to him.  

 

I don’t understand why it just can’t be someone’s job to write a hero book. Like, once you find someone great you just keep them at all costs regardless if they need to take months off or whatever, just stick with what works for goodness sake. Scott Snyder should be writing Batman until his fingers fall off. Brian Azzarello and Cliff Chiang should be chained down on Themyscira and writing Wonder Woman until kingdom come. Chase down Ta-Nehisi Coates and give him a replica Wakanda to lord over on an island somewhere so he can write Black Panther every, single, month.

 

As for Double D, it’s been so magnificent for so long just rotate between Bendis/Maleev, Waid/Samnee and maybe get Frank Miller off the sauce for a bit here and there. Look, I hate the Chicago Bulls but Phil Jackson coached MJ for 11 years in a row. You telling me you can’t have Matt Fraction write Hawkeye for 11 years in a row with time off for him to get paddled and brimped in a dungeon for weeks on end? Alas, tis not so. Now Saladin Ahmed is on the 1s and 2s for the Double D breakbeat, your long-term relationship hero has undergone another complete cosmetic makeover once again. Except this time they paid the cosmetic surgeon a bit too much and it’s a word salad of way too many anchovies and stale croutons.

 

You could tell you were reading a sequential art shit show just several pages in. Daredevil was the one Marvisney character that wasn’t a strung out on the sauce addict like all the other Marvisney characters had become. He kept to himself, stayed in Hell’s Kitchen, juiced daily, did coffee enemas, and did his hero thing. After a few pages of the 873,133^rd new number one of Daredevil you knew that Double D was totally wasted and on crystal meth or maybe something stronger. What the hell happens to great writers when they go to work for the Big Poo? Something is going on in these walls that causes them to spit out caca. The editor of this book at the conclusion mentioned that Ahmed had a great run of Black Bolt back in the day. I remember that run, it was like 5 or 6 years ago, it was phenomenal. I had never read Black Bolt before but I distinctly remember Ahmed’s take on it being wonderfully done. So why are creators turning into echoes of themselves when they go to work for the big guyz these days?

 

Look, this story was pedestrian at best, Elektra is possessed, Matt doesn’t remember anything, then does, he’s Father Double D kicking frat boy thugs one moment and then flying all over the city the next. I dunno, it just feels cheap and rushed, maybe it’s because the art looks like it was done by a School of Visual Arts student on an antiquated graphics program. Seriously, these pages look like the kind of art you’d see for those Hostess Cupcake ads you’d find in the Marvel books back in the 70s or 80s. The editor at the end of the issue, while extolling the virtues of everyone, went on to say that the artist was the best in the biz and that, and I quote "His characters are expressive and true to life". Dude. Seriously? Dude.

 

Look at this:

Wow. So expressive. Is that a comic book or AI doing Human face. His face is saying a million words to me. Unfortunately they're all the same word. It's: Huh?

This next panel is where Elektra convinces Matt to get rid of his cheek bones:

 

 

I feel like Matt's hair keeps changing while his face keeps being reduced to a Robot. This is really really unsatisfying art:

I mean, who is this? Elektra or Maribel from around the block?

These characters look like your average 'Women with Text Bubbles' artist stuff, can't remember the name of who made them, but they all look like this:

Another gripe, dude, you charged me 7 bucks for this piece of swill? Really? 7 bucks? Why? What in your pathetic Marvisney minds made you think this was worth 7 bucks? Cuz it's 56 pages? So what? Here's what you say, to comic geeks:

 

'Hey we know we're moving on from what was another great run (for me not so much) for Daredevil with a new writer and artist and you might feel hesitant to check them out, so here's double the issue for 4 bux, enjoy!'

Remember when Marvel books had a big explosion on the upper left that said 'Still only 35cents!'? Now it should read 'Still figuring out how we can make all of our comics $5 to $6 each'.

 

One of the greatest books ever put out in recent memory was last year’s Wonder Woman Historia. It was in an oversized prestige format and that was 8 bucks! This comic wasn’t even a fancy variant! DSTLRY’s Devil’s ballsack was a whopping $10 but it was huge and had unfinished ideas from all of the greatest comic book creators that the industry has to offer. You give me AI art, a Caesar’s Saladin and two fingers in my eyes like you’re Mo from the Three Stooges. 

 

We're breaking up Marvisney! Get out of my comic book rack! You’re not putting out anymore Marvisney! Granted I’m not the horndog I once was but I still need my comic booky nooky every now and then and your story poon has dried the fuck up.

Couple in the fact that the new Daredevil series that Marvisney was doing has been all but cancelled and things are looking bleak for Double D. It's probably for the best it got cancelled. What? You thought 'Daredevil: Born Again' was going to be as good or better than the greatest Hero TV Show in the history of Hero television? Netflix's 'Daredevil' was bar none the greatest original show that Netflix ever put out save for 'Stranger Things'. You think Marvisney's penchant for ruining everything was going to make this show better?

 

You might think I'm being harsh about this comic. C'mon, it's Double D, give him a chance to make you love him again. Nah, I've been around the block enough times to know a dumpster fire of sequential art when I see it. 

 

Look, Double D, it's not me, it's you.

 

Rating: 5.1

Verdict: Buh Bye 

DSTLRY 'DEVIL'S CUT' - Review

 

 

What in the actual fuck did I just pay $10 for?!? Ten Buckeroos. Gone. Hey that’s the name of the first actual series from the new imprint DSTLRY. Gone. Coming out this month. It psychologically prepares you to see your comic book budget get gone. Buh bye. Oh that new series is gonna cost you Nine Buckeroos also. And guess what? I will happily pay it! It looks spectacular. DSTLRY’s new website is also all sleek and kinda wow as well. You can check it out here:

 

DSTLRY SITE 

 

They’ve got countdowns for their new books. You could keep your eyes glued to that or you could, you know, just pull the damn thing knowing that your LCS will have if stuffed in a box for you so you don’t have to worry. You can also pay $300 bucks for some tiny little Devil Panda Demon that some Asian chick made that’s supposed to be the Publisher’s mascot. I mean, yeah, that's definitely putting a lot of cashish in a creator's bank account. Does this thing sing 'Purple Rain' or talk to my doggie while I'm gone or will it get me access to some Hollywood Demon party?

 

 

You can also pay $100 for all sorts of different fancy shmancy covers of their Big D on the Devil Book. A Big Old D on the Cover. Yeah, I’m sure that’s purely coincidental. 

 

Chip Mosher: “I’m gonna give the comic world my D!”

 

Who’s Chip Mosher? Who’s David Steinberger? Are they agents? Are they crypto weirdos? No they’re Doogie Howser wannabes who are Alen/Twins and apparently they love love love comic book creators:

 

 

Here’s a link to an article on their whole approach to this new imprint.

 

Doogies do Comics Right!

 

As far as their approach to giving comic book creators lotsa love it looks like that means charging an arm and a leg and a left nut while limiting the amount of copies and chances you have to give your body parts to get said copy. So you’re gonna only sell a limited amount of hard copies and digital copies and that’s it? That’s your angle? So artificial scarcity? Sounds like Big Oil to me. So if for some reason I’m unable to get it then that’s it, that’s what you think? So you don’t think any of the free illegal comic book sites online aren’t going to post every single page of your comic for everyone who wasn’t able to get their hands on it? So they’ll blast the readers with a gazillion ads and make buckets of cash because you think only printing a few of your 9-10 buckeroo books is going to change the comic book game? Dude. Anybody can get anything anywhere any time for free. It’s sad. It’s just the way it is. So, what you have to do is you have to give people the incentive to want to pay for your art because they want to support you. Scarcity doesn’t mean shit you Whiskey Wankers. Now, I will support you 100% because the people you have on board are incredibly talented and put the best shit out there. But get out of their way and leave the gimmicks for Penn & Teller.

 

Look, I know, I’ve been boasting about how I’m willing to pay up for prestige books like since they usually deliver the goods unlike what most $4 books are delivering these days, yet I am bewildered as to why this $10 ADD Fest was put out as the first book from the new creator owned imprint that is going to reinvent the industry.

 

Before I continue I would like to say that everything in this ‘Anthology’ looks amazingly beautiful and it’s clear these writers and artists are at the top of the Comic Book game now. It’s just a glorified ‘We are the World’ video. Each creator gets a line to sing and then it’s on to the next one except there’s no chorus and there’s no sham charity run by a complete idiot save for the lining of the pockets of the best in the biz; which I don’t really have a problem doing, just, you know, give me a coherent happy ending story for my hard earned ten bonez.

 

Anthologies absolutely suck. It’s like going to a Strip Club and seeing comic book creators come out and spin their stories around the pole for a few pages to Def Leppard and then disappear. They pour their sugar on you for a blip and then they’re gone. None of the stories are satisfying. They’re all big teases, “Hey, that’s awesome, wait, don’t stop, is there a champagne room???”. I have an immense amount of respect for Will Dennis and all the creators that joined in this ADD Give us the Big D anthology but I don’t get the point of it. Is it to show how cool you are and how many bad ass comic book peeps you know? Did they just reach out to all of them and go:

 

 ‘Hey send me whatever three or four pages you have of a story or comic that you never got off the ground and I’ll put them in a $10 book and give you a chunk of the proceeds’

 

Ten bucks is like the far reaches of comic book pricing. Once you go past 10 you’re in graphic novel land so you better come wit dat boom bap if you’ve got the sack to charge ten. What it also does is it makes you go ‘Wow, they do have the sack to charge ten, it must be amazing’. You know what this reminds me of. It reminds of that gluten-free coffee cake mix I got from Whole Foods last month. I always peruse the ‘Cake and Muffin’ mixes in the baking aisle. I’ve tried a bunch of them, most of them are okay, some are yuck. After you make one you always are reminded that baking your own stuff is always far superior to the store bought crap. Yet one day I walked by and there on the shelf right at my eye line was a new brand. It looked sexy. It looked delicious. It wasn’t on a dating app. I was sold. But, oy, it was pricy. The coffee cake mix was $13. I thought, wow, if they have the chutzpah to charge thirteen then that coffee cake must be a party in the mouth. It turned out to be awful. I threw it out, it was barely edible. The difference here is that this book is yummy AF but it changes flavors so much you have no idea what it is that you’re eating.

 

I’m sure that when we all saw this list of writers and artists that were joining this publisher we all got ridiculously excited. Yet this book feels like an old school ‘Battle of the Network Stars’ from back in the day. You’re like, ooh, Wonder Woman is going to be in a swimming race! Then you watch Wonder Woman in a normal old swimsuit do an average job at swimming, then it’s over really quickly and then another star is doing something that’s over quickly and it’s never satisfying. My goodness Linda Carter was so unbelievably beautiful:

 

 

The stories in this Anthology of the Big Erect D were over so quickly I had to flip backwards and forwards to make sure I didn’t miss a page. Like, seriously, three pages and then done. Are any of these going to be continued at all? You got my Comic Book Johnson all up and excited and I have no idea where to go next to fulfill it’s comic booky needs. Here’s what I thought as I read every inch of this Big D:

 

Wow this is great I wonder what – hey what the fuck, it’s over? What’s this, ooh, wow, cool visuals, who’s this chick, she seems – wait, that’s it? Oh man I am dying to know what – huh. Oh. Next one already?

 

I’m going to go through all these lightning quick stories so you don’t have to. Better that you save up your shekels for the AI created mascot of your face on a Demon Armadillo for $700 next month.

 

1. Spectregraph. Tynion/Ward - I dunno, some dude goes to steal something and his ghost comes and kills him or some dude hammers the thief's head. Looks great, Ward is a beast. Not a fan of Tynion. He gets the NBA 'over-rated' chant.

2. Shepherd. Bernadrin/Kristantina - Some futuristic tale about colonists in pods going somewhere in a space ship who need a robot/AI/human chick to protect them from space thieves. Mnyeh, it was aite. But quick!

3. 8 Rules etc. Charretier/Cowles - Woo hoo! The amazing team behind Tom King's spectacular 'Love Everlasting' is doing their thing. Some blonde super spy babe kills a bunch of people on an island in a bikini. Elsa draws a wonderful pair of boobies at the end. Now it feels like I paid $10 for comic boobies like I'm some Oni Anime Jungle Chick Comic pervy Dynamite Red Sonya drooler. I think this gets its own comic soon. Yay. Did I mention Elsa drawing boobies?

4. What's Mine is Hearse. Phillips/Jones - Umm. A sexy Asian chick bangs the corpse of a handsome dead dude and then either kills or gets rid of the guy driving the hearse so she can drive off while laughing like a complete wacko. Ohhh-keedokee. Art is ridiculously gorgeous though aaaannnnd I feel unclean.

5. A Blessed Day. Andolfo - An actual Demon manages and runs a huge Pop Star and a record label. Ho hum. I run into Demon Managers at Trader Joe's all the time. This gets made into a series later this year, may or may not pass. Andolfo drew the recent White Knight debacle written by Mop Top Loser kid so still got that icky taste on my comic book mouth.

6. The Stowaway. Jock - Kid steals food off a helicarrier. Jock is great. Super short like the others. Really looking forward to forking over $9 for Gone.

7. Deleted Scene #2. Azzarello. Risso - Three pages of a Western scene over a campfire where, I dunno what the hell this is about, Azzarello! Get Chiang and take over Wonder Woman again for goodness sake!

8. White Boat. Snyder. Francavilla - The same team that did the underwhelming super silly 'Night of the Ghoul'. Interesting tale about a ghost boat or whatever. Snyder! Get Capullo and take over Batman again for goodness sake!

9. What Happens Next. McElvie - By this point my brain was spinning and I hit a wall. Some futuristic AI soul in a cloud avatar love story, I dunno. I'm gonna need another gluten free twinkie to wake up and be alert for the final two stories. Did I really pay $10 for this?

10. Waiting to Die. Ram V. Garbett - Another boobie shot, nice. A couple has sex and then one goes outside to watch a solar flare that will kill everyone. Oh, a weiner shot also. So that's 2 Pairs of Boobies, a Big D on the cover, a tiny D and a corpse banger for those who aren't keeping score.

11. What Blighted Flame Burns in Thee. Cloonan. Lotay - They saved the best for last. They gave this unbelievably talented duo 11 pages to tell their tale about a man who saves a woman from being executed for being accused of being a witch. The art is breathtaking. They did the right thing by leaving this until the end because now I want more more more. I think this duo gets a comic soon also. Somna in December? They have a clock on their website you can watch for 40 days if you want.

 

Here's the big D-eal Doogie Dudes: Just put out great stuff. Hard stop. You don't need toys or $100 variants or artificial scarcity. You've obviously assembled a who's who of genius comic creators so just let them do their thing and you'll sell a bunch of books. I'm down. Just leave the gimmicks to the Big 2. Their gimmick is pretending to be a comic book publisher while actually being a cog in a TV/Film machine. 

 

Speaking of which, I've got this throbbing comic book stiffy from reading this anthology that gave me zero happy endings. Let me see here, ooh, the new Daredevil #1, oh yeah, that's a major turn off and wait, ooh, let me find that White Knight Jokers kids book, ahh, yeah, that's Janet Reno and Elizabeth Warren in fetish gear bad. Yeah, I'm down to a shriveled turtle, DSTLRY, you may carry on.

 

 

Rating: 7.0

Verdict: Pay through the nose to get their Actual Series coming out soon.

 

 

HEXAGON BRIDGE #1 - Review

Multi-Dimensional Dimensions in our Art is getting Demented. They’re everywhere now. This dimension is right here and that dimension is right over us and this one is through that door and that one is in her pink butthole and if you really wanna find this one hit the El Chato Taco Truck around 2am on a Tuesday and wear fuscia. On on hand, when done right with restraint, having a multi dimensional world where characters are popping in and out of is exciting. I would say the ‘Upside Down’ in Stranger Things is a great example of using an alternative dimension in an amazing way. When done haphazardly and with no constraints it can turn anything into a full out shit show. I’m looking at you Big 2/Big Poo.

 

Marvel used to be the home of the wacky cosmic way out-there comic books where characters like Dr. Strange, Thor and his merry band of Gods dressed in Skandinavian wear and the FF would consistently travel to alternative dimensions with aplomb and gusto. The recent ‘Defenders’ comic written by Al Ewing last year harkened back to that time with a retro tale that traversed the multiverse. Ironically it was entitled ‘Defenders: There are No Rules’; yet it worked because it felt like you were being taken far away from the center in a logical way, not jumping to and fro will nilly, if that makes any sense.

 

When comics turn to poop is when they use the Multi-Dimensional gimmick/device so liberally that reality loses form and any and everything can happen at once. Rules fly out the window and poor writing and plot developments are easily glossed over by:

 

‘Ooh, look we’re somewhere else now’ or

 

‘Ooh, look who are you and where did you come from’ or even worse

 

‘Yeah that story actually didn’t happen here, it happened somewhere else, in another dimension’

 

The Big Poo (DC and Marvisney) have essentially ruined the Multi-Dimensional Device by having so many fucking dimensions with so many alternative versions of characters and planets that you can’t take any of them seriously. I always bristle when I see the character list of a comic on League of Comic Geeks and I see the characters have the denomination of ‘Prime Earth’ or ‘Alterniverse’ or the worst is ‘Earth 613’ really, 613 Earths or timelines where all your poopy stories can find a way to fix themselves after you’ve fallen asleep at the plot wheel? Yeah, fuck off.

 

I can just see that meeting at one of  the Big Poo when the idea of the Multiverse was put forth:

 

Marvisney Demonic Exec: So we can have all these versions of our best characters just pop in whenever we want?

 

Marvisney Demonic Minion: Yup, just call it a different earth.

 

Marvisney Demonic Exec: What about plot continuity?

 

Marvisney Demonic Minion: No need for it, just say you're on a different timeline/dimension.

 

[Several Big Poo execs spontaneously combust]

 

Multi-Dimensionality has also overwhelmed our world as well. I don’t know about you but I constantly hear about us ‘ascending to the fifth dimension’ and that ‘alternative timelines are being averted’ by, oh I dunno, a couple chubbsters in a yoga studio chanting and holding their fingers in a wild configuration while sitting on a pile of cooked mung beans.

 

The ‘Mandela Effect’ also speaks to multiple timelines. That whole thing drives me crazy and also hurts my head to think about. Look, it’s never been the Berenstain Bears it’s always been the Berenstein Bears, always! Where the hell is this ‘Stain’ coming from? Are you kidding me? And it’s Jif! Not Jiffy! Do people actually live in a world where it was Jiffy?

 

One theory I have is, and it is a waaaay out there retro Marvel cosmic theory, is that the wack jobs colliding atoms at CERN in Switzerland with that Hadron Collider actually fucked up and the only way to fix it was to hijack our timeline and sew it onto another timeline because the original timeline had us all exploding into nothingness. So here we are now super imposed onto this other timeline where weird shit happened and we’re arguing with alternative versions of ourselves or friends about whether it was Looney Toons or Looney Tunes, it was Tunes for God sakes!

 

Despite all these timelines and multiple dimensions, I still can’t get a date. Can we have a Mandela Effect where I’m dating and then someone can argue, no way, that guy never gets a fucking date! That would be nice. Somewhere on Earth 2,229,287 I’m dating a super amazing babe, I have a career and courtside Knicks tickets, comic books cost 35 cents and this blog is at the top of your news feed on your phone. Actually scratch that, that would mean I’d have to be writing for it every day, yeah, I’m too busy looking after my little princess.

 

Which finally finally finally brings me to this comic. We’re way in the future and a Mommy and a Daddy are off to find their way into this alternative dimension yet they get lost or captured and the kid in our dimension gets weepy about it. Obviously we have to find Mommy and Daddy now and let's bring our robot along. That's pretty much the premise in a pinch.

 

First off, the title sounds like a Norwegian Fusion Band from the 70s. Like this band would open up for Tangerine Dream. Second, and this is a big Second, the believability of this book went out the fucking window when they listed the year as 4040. Really? 4040? This looks like something that could happen in 2040. You telling me that we live in the same futuristic world in 2040 as we would in 4040. I mean, if you're coming with that 4040 Boom Bap you better have 4040 designs and a whole slew of that imaginative 4040 advancements in technology. How depressing. This is what we have to look forward to 2,000 years from now? C'mon homie, drop the hyperbolic year and just stick to something tangible. 4040 my ass.

 

Despite the absurd year the art is wonderful and I really enjoyed the landscapes of the parallel dimension even though I would’ve liked to have seen a buxom Morgana in a skin tight body suit somewhere in them. Apparently this dude Richard Blake, won a contest or something and I dunno, yadda yadda, up and coming comic book dude yadda yadda. This is him:

 

 

I mean, he’s the dude at a party where you’re like ‘Please do not start talking to me’. He’s drinking an IPA or a Chardonnay and he’s got docksiders on with no socks. His breath reeks of coffee and he wears too much musky cologne. Plus I'm pretty certain they photoshopped his invasive nose hairs out of this picture. At this party, Richard's girlfriend is flitting about and being super flirty with everyone. You can’t tell if she’s cute or not because she’s wearing a dumpy sweater and unflattering Capri pants, but you can picture these two banging each other and she's definitely a lot of fun in the sack. You figure she probably cooks a mean breakfast in the morning and that's when you realize Richard Blake has been talking your ear off for 10 minutes in a row while you've been fantasizing about his girl.

 

Yup, that's what I was thinking after I finished this issue. It went by really fast. This is one of those Image ‘Spaghetti Books’ where they’re just throwing it at the wall to see if it sticks. It sticks, a bit. There’s a piece of the pasta that’s elongated out from the wall, dangling aimlessly, just waiting for you to peel it off. I’m intrigued enough to see if it falls or not. Or maybe what I’ll do is rip it clean off the wall which will cause a schism between two parallel worlds! I’ll walk through the spaghetti fissure and track down my Earth 2,229,287 self in the bathroom at Madison Square Garden. I’ll strangle him to death and then make my way to courtside where my gorgeous lady friend awaits me dressed in a purple Knicks get-up. Problem is, I’ll be sitting next to Richard Blake. He’s sipping his IPA and interrupting me throughout the game as he tells me about exciting second arc that’s selling like hotcakes. I’m about to leave this annoying dimension until Richie tells me he’s buying Marvisney and DC with his Hexagon profits and hiring a consortium of comic geeks as editors. That’s when I fly out of my seat to go find the me that I murdered in this dimension. I need to dispose of him quickly so I won’t have to answer any questions. Then I can stay here, read great Marvel books, watch my Knicks courtside and hit on Richard Blake’s frumpy girlfriend who insists she’s polyamorous. 

 

Somewhere right now in multiple dimensions Richard Blake is sipping on ethically sourced mold free coffee ($42 a bag, whole bean) and listening to Chet Baker as he writes his Hexagon opus. With Richie, he's the same in every dimension, nothing changes except his frumpy girlfriend's wardrobe. I respect your consistency Mr. Blake. I'll read your opus so that I can critique it when we bump into each other at that party on Earth 5,432. In that dimension we get into a fight over your Frumpy but with me critiquing your work you're too busy brooding in a corner over your Zima to notice me hustling Frumpy into the bathroom with me.

Rating: 7.9

Verdict: Pull