When you’re in a long term relationship with someone you get to see various sides of them. You get to see them evolve, devolve, look this way, look that way, talk this way, talk that way, hate something, then love it, love something then hate it so much you can’t even mention it, and so on and so on; you will run the gamut with them. That’s the beauty of being with someone for a long time. That and being able to fart around each other.
Being in a relationship with a Comic Book character is similar but different. The difference being, it’s as if someone were orchestrating the changes of your lover over time from afar. Like they were hired by Ed Harris in the ‘Truman Show’ control room to make changes to Truman’s wife on the fly. In the case of the Big Poo (Marvisney & DC) they’re in all likelihood orchestrating the events of your comic book characters from Satan’s ante chamber, or at least it seems like it's been that way for the past several years.
Needless to say I’ve broken up with almost all of my Hero characters. I’ll date Batman every now and then but it’s more like a GFE than it is actually seeing him on a regular basis. Hey, I’ve got a date with Wonder Woman this week, I hear she’s gotten her shit together; we shall see. As for Marvisney, it’s been one heartbreak after the next. My first true love, the Hulk, has been a basket case and a fucking red hot mess for years. Moon Knight was like my secret little bang bang on the side but now he’s been pimped out to the masses and I don't recognize him anymore; same with Black Panther who’s now more like a Wack Puma. Then, there’s Daredevil:
Through thick and thin, while garbage creative team after garbage creative team were put on other Marvisney books Double D was consistently Double your pleasure great. Didn’t matter who was on the title, it could not fail. When Zdarsky, who became the Big Poo’s little darling, joined both Bat Mizzle and Dare Dizzle I was skepticizzle. How can the guy who drew Anime cum angels in Sex Criminals be expected to carry two of the biggest hero books in the industry? Well, as it turns out he couldn’t. Batmizzle was dog pizzle and Daredizzle started out really wonderfully and then descended into one wretched plot development after the next. So I broke up with DD. It was hard. I wept. I played ‘Faithfully’ by Journey over and over.
But as I stated recently, I stalked Daredevil as one does after you break up with someone and we reunited for it’s grand finale in my La-Z-Boy for old time’s sake. Double D put out. Double D came wit dat boom bap. Yeah, it was a bummer that Chippy Z didn’t stop time so that Matt Murdock could take a dump in a flower pot in Marvisney’s office but he delivered a touching heartfelt goodbye to a series that clearly meant a lot to him.
I don’t understand why it just can’t be someone’s job to write a hero book. Like, once you find someone great you just keep them at all costs regardless if they need to take months off or whatever, just stick with what works for goodness sake. Scott Snyder should be writing Batman until his fingers fall off. Brian Azzarello and Cliff Chiang should be chained down on Themyscira and writing Wonder Woman until kingdom come. Chase down Ta-Nehisi Coates and give him a replica Wakanda to lord over on an island somewhere so he can write Black Panther every, single, month.
As for Double D, it’s been so magnificent for so long just rotate between Bendis/Maleev, Waid/Samnee and maybe get Frank Miller off the sauce for a bit here and there. Look, I hate the Chicago Bulls but Phil Jackson coached MJ for 11 years in a row. You telling me you can’t have Matt Fraction write Hawkeye for 11 years in a row with time off for him to get paddled and brimped in a dungeon for weeks on end? Alas, tis not so. Now Saladin Ahmed is on the 1s and 2s for the Double D breakbeat, your long-term relationship hero has undergone another complete cosmetic makeover once again. Except this time they paid the cosmetic surgeon a bit too much and it’s a word salad of way too many anchovies and stale croutons.
You could tell you were reading a sequential art shit show just several pages in. Daredevil was the one Marvisney character that wasn’t a strung out on the sauce addict like all the other Marvisney characters had become. He kept to himself, stayed in Hell’s Kitchen, juiced daily, did coffee enemas, and did his hero thing. After a few pages of the 873,133rd new number one of Daredevil you knew that Double D was totally wasted and on crystal meth or maybe something stronger. What the hell happens to great writers when they go to work for the Big Poo? Something is going on in these walls that causes them to spit out caca. The editor of this book at the conclusion mentioned that Ahmed had a great run of Black Bolt back in the day. I remember that run, it was like 5 or 6 years ago, it was phenomenal. I had never read Black Bolt before but I distinctly remember Ahmed’s take on it being wonderfully done. So why are creators turning into echoes of themselves when they go to work for the big guyz these days?
Look, this story was pedestrian at best, Elektra is
possessed, Matt doesn’t remember anything, then does, he’s Father Double D
kicking frat boy thugs one moment and then flying all over the city the next. I
dunno, it just feels cheap and rushed, maybe it’s because the art looks like it was done by
a School of Visual Arts student on an antiquated graphics program. Seriously,
these pages look like the kind of art you’d see for those Hostess Cupcake ads
you’d find in the Marvel books back in the 70s or 80s. The editor at the end of the issue, while extolling the virtues of everyone, went on to say that the artist was the best in the biz and that, and I quote "His characters are expressive and true to life". Dude. Seriously? Dude.
Look at this:
Wow. So expressive. Is that a comic book or AI doing Human face. His face is saying a million words to me. Unfortunately they're all the same word. It's: Huh?
This next panel is where Elektra convinces Matt to get rid of his cheek bones:
I feel like Matt's hair keeps changing while his face keeps being reduced to a Robot. This is really really unsatisfying art:
I mean, who is this? Elektra or Maribel from around the block?
These characters look like your average 'Women with Text Bubbles' artist stuff, can't remember the name of who made them, but they all look like this:
Another gripe, dude, you charged me 7 bucks for this piece of swill? Really? 7 bucks? Why? What in your pathetic Marvisney minds made you think this was worth 7 bucks? Cuz it's 56 pages? So what? Here's what you say, to comic geeks:
'Hey we know we're moving on from what was another great run (for me not so much) for Daredevil with a new writer and artist and you might feel hesitant to check them out, so here's double the issue for 4 bux, enjoy!'
Remember when Marvel books had a big explosion on the upper left that said 'Still only 35cents!'? Now it should read 'Still figuring out how we can make all of our comics $5 to $6 each'.
One of the greatest books ever put out in recent memory was last year’s Wonder Woman Historia. It was in an oversized prestige format and that was 8 bucks! This comic wasn’t even a fancy variant! DSTLRY’s Devil’s ballsack was a whopping $10 but it was huge and had unfinished ideas from all of the greatest comic book creators that the industry has to offer. You give me AI art, a Caesar’s Saladin and two fingers in my eyes like you’re Mo from the Three Stooges.
We're breaking up Marvisney! Get out of my comic book rack! You’re not putting out anymore Marvisney! Granted I’m not the horndog I once was but I still need my comic booky nooky every now and then and your story poon has dried the fuck up.
Couple in the fact that the new Daredevil series that Marvisney was doing has been all but cancelled and things are looking bleak for Double D. It's probably for the best it got cancelled. What? You thought 'Daredevil: Born Again' was going to be as good or better than the greatest Hero TV Show in the history of Hero television? Netflix's 'Daredevil' was bar none the greatest original show that Netflix ever put out save for 'Stranger Things'. You think Marvisney's penchant for ruining everything was going to make this show better?
You might think I'm being harsh about this comic. C'mon, it's Double D, give him a chance to make you love him again. Nah, I've been around the block enough times to know a dumpster fire of sequential art when I see it.
Look, Double D, it's not me, it's you.
Rating: 5.1
Verdict: Buh Bye
No comments:
Post a Comment