AVENGERS WAR ACROSS TIME #5 - Review & Facsimile Request

 

Fun Fun Fun, that’s what ‘Avengers: War Across Time’ was. At some point the Big 2, DC & Marvel, lost the element of fun in their books. Everything became sooo serious or so commodified as they had to tie into something other than the book itself, a movie, a game, another book etc. I would say a bunch of DC Black Label books last year nailed the fun factor, especially Catwoman: Lonely City. My goodness that series was amazing. I’m not sure what’s going on with Black Label this year, seems like the spigot got twisted off and the steady stream of inventive forward thinking fun books got shelved for other mnyeh take it or leave it stuff.

 

Paul Levitz and Co. truly captured the essence of fun that made Marvel books so great in this limited series. It felt like you had snagged a tattered comic that had a price tag of 12 cents in the upper right hand corner from a musty comic shop located in a closet in Brooklyn. The characters were bright technicolor over the top heroic heroes with corny one liners and a knack for being able to say ‘stick together’ and ‘let’s get him’ in a myriad of different ways. There was a ridiculous myopic power hungry intergalactic villain in a shiny purplish metallic outfit snorting up universes and worlds like a maniacal coke addict from the 80s. What more could you ask for? Crumbling buildings. Streets collapsing into underground kingdoms populated by Lava Men. Laws of Physics, Time & Space suspended completely with an utter disregard for consequences of future issues and future storylines; the stakes were high AF. 

 

Why was this approach abandoned completely? It seems like hero comics of the past few decades have been wired to find ways to prove to us that these heroes are actually real and exist in our world rather than allowing us to find ways to escape into theirs for a brief moment. I bet some Marketing Schmuck wandered into DC & Marvel’s offices in the 2000s and gave them the ‘relatable’ PowerPoint presentation. You know the one where suits and creatives are convinced that entertainment has to exist in a way where the audience has to relate to everything that’s going on with what you’re doing.

 

So, the Hulk needs therapy, Iron Man needs AA, Cap needs an enema, Batman needs a reiki massage, Supes needs a hug from Daddy blah blah blah. Just reading this series, I mean, the way the world is these days I don’t want my heroes dealing with modern day nonsense, just beat some wack job with a time machine up and kiss a babe at the end for goodness sake. A book like this is something you look forward to, you know you can just sit back and relax into the world because of the very fact that it’s not yours. I will say that the ending did seem a bit rushed though as the Avengers, who were sent through a time portal by a shaken Kang looking for a pause in their battle on his world, saw future iterations of themselves only to end up back in 60s New York. Feels like Levitz had more story to tell but I’m guessing the cell in the dungeon he was being kept in under Disney Land needed to be cleared out for some new Pop Star so they needed him to wrap up the comic.

 

I have an idea for Marvisney. I just read Iron Man #1 (1968) one of the facsimile issues they just put out; it was stupendous. Fun Fun Fun. Look, Marvisney, your current books are mostly poop and cogs in your machine; fine, you do you. Instead of just randomly popping out facsimile issues here and there why don’t you release facsimile issue RUNS of all your great books: Spiderman, Fantastic Four, Avengers, Iron Man etc. How fun would that be? As fans, we’d get to read the comic books in sequence as if we were living when these spectacular titles were released for the first time. Release these facsimiles monthly. Reprint the first 100 issues of each. Maybe find a way to make the art feel not so overly bright and matted; gussy up the quality a bit. Make a big deal of it, charge I dunno, $5 a book, maybe add some extras in the back like original art or whatever. You telling me these things wouldn’t sell out faster than a CabbagePatch Kid in 1983?

 

Guys, you don’t have to do anything other than reprint, publish and ship and - boom, another revenue stream. Yes, I understand that all these comics have been reprinted in compendiums and addendums and oversized oogly boogly fancy tomes that get gifted to comic geeks over the holidays. But this is different. This is giving retro fans the feel of actually reading the original books as if they were being printed for the first time. Release 3 or 4 main titles, 100 issues each. What’s that? Two grand for 100 issues of each of them from each comic geek? That not good enough for you? Hell, DC, why don’t you join the fun, do it for Detective Comics and Action Comics. Why. Wouldn’t. You???

 

I’ll tell you why. I think I read a reason for why this hasn’t and won’t happen, because the Big 2 don’t want the competition from their own brand. In other words, if these reprints outsell their current titles then it makes their current titles look really really bad. I get it. That’s a bad look. But here’s the deal, maybe, just maybe that would be a sign for your current books to change course and incorporate some of the old into the new as they move forward into future stories. I mean c'mon, most of what the entertainment industry does these days is recycle the same stuff over and over or pop out sequels, how is this any different?

 

I dunno, seems like a slam dunk to me. AND. Make it so those coupons and ads in the back of the comics are real! C’mon. I never had the pennies and bucks when I was a kid but I am dying to send away for some Sea Monkeys, a book from Charles Atlas on how to get muscles, and 10,000 plastic army men in a bag.  

 

I also might be up for a paperboy route. I've always wanted to chase after John Cusack and wail 'TWO DOLLARS'!

Rating: 9.0

Verdict: Pull

BATMAN, WHITE KNIGHT: GENERATION JOKER #1 - Review

 

We’re back in Spinoff-ville with the White Knight multi-quasi-verse. It was thought that the last issue of ‘Murphy the Great’s’ White Knight run was the last of its kind until we found out in the final pages that it was not. Clearly DC freaked the fuck out realizing that their best Bat Title of the past several years was about to go bye bye so they doubled down and now we’ve got Murph working on White Knighting Double Dubs and the JLA while his pudgy mop topped apprentice and his wife babe drop this ‘Joker’s Kids’ series.

 

Admittedly I was bit nonplussed about the shift to keep going. Emotionally I was geared up for a final/this is it issue of what has been a stellar game changing run of an Alt-Bat-Uni only to find out – it’s not. It was kind of like what happens at the end of summer camp when you’re a kid. You’re saying goodbye to everyone, you’re crying and hugging people you never hugged. Confessions are made, smiles are received from kids who never talked to you or about you except when they were plotting to wrap you up in toilet paper and hang you from the entrance to the swimming pool. So imagine instead of waiting for everyone’s parents to show up to take them back to their regular lives the Camp Counselors went ‘Psyche! We’re going to stay here through September! You don’t have to say goodbye!’ Umm, awkward. I just cried on the shoulder of my D&D pal, not sure I can look him in the eye and roll a twenty sided die around him again.

 

I’m not trying to be a complete dick here but I’m completely bummed that this Clay McShmookle dude is back writing anything at all in this Universe. His White Knight Red Hood two issue thingy was a complete and utter disaster as I detailed here. I just get the vibe that his uncle or dad is a bigwig and knows someone high up in the DC power structure who got this shmo jobs; standard Hollywood stuff, whatever, but if you’re gonna hype up a new return then I dunno, keep McShmookle on a backstory or something. Here’s a question, why wasn’t Murphy’s wife Katana Collins just given full rein to write this book instead of having to work with Kid Nepotism? I’d be psyched about that! Murph lolling in bed with his girl throwing out Joker Kid ideas, sign me up. I did a little digging on Katana Collins, turns out she writes steamy hot BDSM novels. Here’s a vid of the Comic Book Deity himself reading one of her tomes:

 

 

Dude. Umm. In my Paris Hilton voice ‘That’s hawwt’. Why isn’t Katana writing that way for this book or any White Knight book? It’s Black Label right? Put her on a White Knight Cat-Chick book where she and Harley have to find a doofus named Clay, hang him naked upside down and paddle his bum until he commits to the writing program at UCLA.

 

This issue felt like a ‘Batman The Animated Series’ story or almost a Batman ’66 story. It had this level of camp and schmaltz that Murphy’s books did not. I get it, the Joker Kids get to know their Dad as he takes them through the places and memories of his past; decent enough premise. What we end up getting is standard old school 1940s Batman stuff where a villain has somehow funded an entire sting operation in multiple locales to torment the Bat; except here it’s the holographic Joker and his actual offspring. I won’t spoil who it is but it’s a kid of one of the villains that the Joker killed in this Bat Universe.

 

This kid of this villain not only was able to find out or predict the behavior of an encrypted AI belonging to a multi-billionaire but was also able to rent out this ‘Pop Up Revenge Warehouse Area’ for what? A month? In New York/Gotham? The production values are pretty high, there’s all kinds of cues and triggers that Jokey and the Kids go through, wouldn’t there be a stage Manager or several Villain PAs with headsets on milling about behind the scenes? Of course there would be, but there isn’t, because, you know, cheesy Batman 66 type stuff.

 

I would also like to submit my gripe on Batman not being available for this series because he’s busy working on a FBI gig so he could clear a debt that he has with them. Really? You think Bats would ever do an FBI gig? No frikkin’ way! Like, what are they going to have him do? Help run a color revolution/overthrow a duly elected government in the Middle East so we can get all of their oil and precious minerals. Help capture and eventually render useless alternative health practitioners that keep finding cheap natural cures to cancer? Produce half of Hollywood’s movies for a year or two? Also, what's with casting Elektra as the FBI Liaison chick? Has there ever been an FBI agent this drop dead gorgeous? Aren't we in 'Get my hot Latina client on Law & Order SVU or you're not coming to Pentagrams & Red Robe Tuesdays anymore' land?

 

Mirka’s visuals for the book are actually pretty good considering she’s used to doing anthropomorphic piggie and wolfie porn. I think what she might want to consider is her linework when it comes to character’s eyes; they’re all huge. It has this Anime/Manga feel to it rather than the skulking gritty noirish vibe that White Knight is accustomed to. Clearly Clay creamed his pants when he found out that ‘Ms. Piggy’s Got a Wet Poon Blanket’ was going to do the art on this book. You know he’s one of those pervs that has those $500 Anime statues of half naked chicks in skimpy outfits all over his apartment. Like one of these things.

 

 

I dunno man. Six issues of this? Six. Yeesh. I dunno if I can stick around for six of issues of Clay and pseudo Murphy land. I mean, my pull is really low these days and I’ve got every single White Knight issue that’s ever been popped out. Ughh. Six issues. I wish it was a tight 3 like Scott Snyder likes to do. I could definitely do 3. But 6? It’s like going on a mediocre date with the sister of a babe that you really really like. The babe’s name is Alejandra, oof, drool. The sister’s name is Malin or something with Mal in it like Malia or Mallory. I mean, Mallory, she’s cute, but she’s got this pigpen cloud around her. She shuffles along and bites her nails, doesn’t like to laugh. Alejandra? Alejandra shorts out your circuits. She’s the kind of woman you shower extra long for where you actually scrub your entire body down rather than just the Big 3 (crotch, pits, butt). So this series is Malin. You’re telling me I have to date Malin for 6 months until I get a shot at Alejandra again? Oof. Rough. I’ll go on a hike with her for our second date and hmm, farmer’s market thingy for our third date but if I start making whiny Jew noises after our third date I’m cutting her off. 

 

Maybe I just need to get Katana's naughty BDSM novel and read it after I finish each issue in this series but that could lead to a ridiculous habit of reading erotica with my morning coffee. Next thing you know I'll be buying $500 Sexy Batgirl statues at 10am every other day.

Rating: 6.7

Verdict: Pull

 

 

STAR SIGNS #1 - Review

 

 

Ooh a comic about Astrology, sign me up! Well, it’s not actually about astrology. That would be a great book though: Hero’s obsessed with their astro readings every day become the pure embodiment of all the stereotypical characteristics of their chosen sign. So the dude who has a Scorpio logo on his chest turns into a throbbing knob that bangs his enemies from the front and stabs them with his tail from the back. Oh please, you know that’s what you think about Scorpios. I’m a Scorpio. The minute I tell someone I’m a Scorpio they go ‘Ohhhhh, I see’ and I can tell they’re thinking ‘I better watch out, he might try and make me laugh then bang me while I’m laughing’. Yes, that’s exactly what I do. Joke. You laugh. Dick in mouth. Back to one. In a flash. It’s imperceptible. You’ll need to have a CCTV to slow down the action to catch me. We get taught this at Scorpio School after we turn 18. We then graduate and have a Bang-Mitzvah where we read over the Kama Sutra and wail the text in an orgasmic melody. Whatever.

 

The premise is that the star constellations where all the zodiacs reside have somehow collapsed, shattered or disappeared. This occurrence was known ahead of time by some White Privileged Canadians who are clearly racist, transphobic and broke a dozen windows at the Capital on J6. I know this because there’s zero diversity in the group, it’s appalling. That all changes when we get to Brooklyn and meet our lead chick. She’s Lebanese (thank God) and she probably beat the shit out of Sarah Michelle Gellar before getting home so she could smoke pot with her roomie Tyler – wait is he? Hmm, he must be a plus, must be. Anyway, she’s cool and hip, obvi, and she’s a sympathetic figure because, duh. I care because I have to get my CEI up

 

So she’s a caterer. After smoking a doobie (not cool to say that, I know, but that’s what I say, I don’t smoke anything but if I did I would use the term doobie) she rushes to work. She’s late. Her Boss is clearly a White Supremacist because she didn’t crawl on her knees to her and kiss her feet while draped in a Lebanese flag. While making food our lead gets stressed and then, boom, time stops. So what does she do? She uses the time with everybody frozen in the entire space to catch up on all the food she has to make.

 

Umm, what?

 

So let me get this straight. You’re a caterer. You’re late for your job. When you get there your boss piles more work on top of you and doubles the amount of food you have to make. It stresses you out to the point where your head shakes and then…boom! You’ve stopped time, as in time stops and everyone freezes except you. I’m going to assume this isn’t a regular occurrence for some rando caterer from Brooklyn. So again, time stops, the world is frozen and this chick’s reaction is to get to work while everyone is frozen so she could make up time on all the work she has to do??? Are you fucking kidding me?!? TIME JUST STOPPED. Your reaction is ‘Cool now I can cook up some croquettes in peace’ ????

 

You’re not gonna walk around and touch people? I would say that would be the first thing you would do, you would touch people to make sure they can’t move. The second thing you would do is consider whether it’s okay for you to touch their boobs or butts. I would definitely be touching butts. Like a nice ‘wax on wax off’ on some and maybe a little scrunch here and there. Hey, I’m being honest, you probably would too and if not you’d be like ‘hmm I could touch this person’s butt and get away with it’. Next, you would give people the finger and make faces at them. You’d get really close to their face and just spout gibberish. Then you’d run around everyone and slap everyone’s butts like you’re playing butt tag. Then you’d unleash a real nasty fart in the center of the room and waft it in everyone’s noses so that the first thing they smell when time picks up again is butt. It’d be a double butt whammy. They’d go ‘Hmm, why do I smell butt all of a sudden and why does my butt hurt?’. These are things a completely normal person would do if confronted by TIME ACTUALLY STOPPING!

 

But no, this chick makes some more pigs in a blanket and gets working on her lavash game before the laws of physics and time kick back in. I call complete and utter BS. Then at the end the Canadian chick busts through the door of her apartment knocking poor hipster Tyler the Plus out (serves him right for having a great childhood and liking vanilla yogurt) and reveals to us that our lead is a Taurus. Oy vey. So, the zodiac is gone and let me guess it incarnated in people around the world. This smells eerily similar to that Mark Millar ‘Ambassadors’ trash that just came out where the creepy Korean AI chick gave various normies around the world super powers.

 

So lemme guess, if I keep buying the books in this series I’ll find out who else got the power of their zodiac sign, right? Oy to the vey to the ismir. Here, why don’t I knock that out for everyone so you don’t have to drop another 20 bones or so on Caption Zodiac and the Canadimaniacs.

 

Taurus – Lebanese doobie smoking caterer stops time and also causes every one to the fold their arms and say ‘No I won’t’ in a five-mile radius.

 

Aries – Turns a Wacko Babe from Florida into a literal wrecking ball.

 

Gemini – Turns an artsy chick from Michigan into twins and she makes everyone in the world love her and hate her at the same time. Boyfriend gets endless threesomes but brutal couples therapy sessions with all 3 present.

 

Cancer – Turns an Armenian Dude from Glendale into a sobbing mess. Wherever he goes people break down and bawl uncontrollably. He still drives a white Mercedes though.

 

Leo – Turns a hottie from Diamond Bar into a music producer who breaks the lap tops of complete strangers. My ex was a Leo. So, yeah, not a super power but whatever, next!

 

Virgo – Turns a chubby loner from Vermont into an enormous broom and he sweeps and dusts the entire Northeastern corridor til it’s sparkly clean.

 

Libra – Jersey math nerd can’t decide if she wants to be a hero or not, this goes on for, well, the rest of her life, duh.

 

Sagittarius – Country chick from Nashville, nobody ever finds out what her super power is because she always leaves before anyone can ask.

 

Capricorn – Dude from Norway. Financial whiz. When he walks past business they go under and he buys them for pennies on the dollar. Makes a mean tuna sandwich.

 

Aquarius – A nerdy dude from Wisconsin, literally turns into an old school calculator.

 

Pisces  - A doofus from Vegas turns into a bottle of Jack Daniels.

 

I already did Scorpio, so, there ya go! What a team!

 

Look.

 

This book feels cheap, silly and cartoonish. It feels like something you’d watch during afternoon cartoons in the 90s. Like it would come after Animaniacs and Captain Planet. They would hope you’d keep watching ‘Star Signs’ because you’re so deep in your couch and your sugar crash that you wouldn’t be able to get up or find the remote, so you’d keep watching this goofy show. I mean, I can hear the chintzy background music while reading this book: the oboes, the dissonant piano chords, the flutes.

 

There's a premise here, something to do with the Astro Signs and the energy they impart. It definitely has the makings for a great book or show. Unfortunately you're not going to find that here in this comic so toss it on the floor, let a Scorpio hump it, a Cancer cry over it and a Pisces pour some malt liquor over it and burn it into ashes. Then go stream some Pinky & The Brain. Or better yet start a Meetup to track The Brain down so we can all ask him how to get Disney to sell Marvel.

Rating: 5.0

Verdict: Drop

May '23 Reading Round Up

 

Anybody get any of those Free Comics on Free Comic Book Day? I usually pass on everything, figure it’s just gonna be a middling preview of something with a ton of ads. But I did notice this Titan Publishing Conan thingy and I was intrigued to see if they were gonna come wit da ruffneck bidness since they now own the Conan license. People. Conan Fans. Praise Crom. It may have only been a few pages but it’s beyond obvious that Conan is finally back in the hands of a bunch of creators who absolutely honor and love this character.

 

Even though it’s only a few pages they give me all the feels of those classic Marvel Conan books from the 70s. I think I remember Jim Zub writing some Conan stuff from the recent Conan Marvel debacle. Clearly you can’t fault any writer or artist when it comes to Marvisney, who knows what torturous evil they’re subjected to as they’re hung upside down in a dungeon underneath Disney Land between issues. Anyway, Robert De La Torre looks like he’s mastered the gritty dusty old school Conan vibe and Jose Villarrubia's colors are pure perfection. I can’t frikkin’ wait for this series to begin, woo hoo!

Phantom Road is turning into a wonderful Twilight Zone-ish type of story and there’s nobody else I can think of that I would want as my comic book Rod Serling than the one and only Jeff Lemire.

 

Avengers War Across Time is about to wrap up and for the love of all that is good and holy Marvisney, please keep putting out these retro stories, it’s what the world needs right now! You had a formula, the formula worked, it spawned a Universe like no other, for goodness sake stop messing with the formula! Stop trying to make New Coke or Green Tea Coke or whatever, get back to your roots and stay there. Hey, Disney stock is under 90 last I checked! Where do you think it needs to drop to for them to freak out, dump Marvel and sell it to a conglomerate of multi billionaire comic geeks? 70? 65? Dump those shares people!

 

 

I have no idea what the hell happened in the second issue of Dead Romans, the story officially became unreadable. I have no idea who’s marching on who, who wants to kill who, where the hell we are, what the hell people want and why the hell they want it. It feels like I’m watching a bad Sunday Political Talk Show where all the lights are off. An absolute fail after a promising first issue with amazing art, this book is at best kindling and at worst last second poopy bags for my little princess.

 

 

 

Hitomi was an under the radar book that just wrapped its fifth and final issue recently. HS Tak wove a fanciful engaging tale of a young female samurai in training and her lust for revenge over the murder of her family. Isabella Mazzanti’s lush sweeping palette gave the book a real feel as if you were watching ancient Japanese paintings in a museum come to life. While I’m sure this won’t win any awards or garner immense accolades it was definitely an enjoyable read and a breath of fresh air from the standard comic book fare of the day; definitely recommend it.

 

 

 

Chicken Devils, the second arc of one of my Top series of 2022 has kind of fallen off a cliff. I don’t think the plot development of our Hot Chicken Vigilante now working with dirty vigilante cops is a good one. That, and his confession to his family about everrrrything has diffused almost all of the tension of the story and now it’s just a whiny cranky family and creepy gross cops murdering gang members in cold blood; no bueno. It’s a shame, I’ll probably grab the last two issues of the arc with the hopes that Buccellato drops in a gem of a final twist but right now it’s a soggy bland bird of a book.

 

 

Finally, Kroma wrapped up it’s final issue in it’s 4 issue mini-series and it was pretty frikkin’ good! It gave off this whole Ralph Bakshi vibe and the plot twist that Defelici introduced to the world he created really clicked and moved the story to a satisfying conclusion. Imagine that, a satisfying conclusion to a comic book series. I feel like I just got a comic book handy, ah, it’s been a while. Also, looks like Lorenzo and Robert Kirkman are putting out a book in June called ‘Void Rivals'. Based on this series and the fact that it's Kirkman I would have to say that’s a definite pull.

 

 

That’s all I got. Lot’s of intriguing new series dropping this month, happy reading you Geeklings!

 

SOMETHING EPIC #1 - Review

 

It’s my 100^th Post! Woo Hoo! Rejoice! Rejoice! I started this about 10 months ago and thought that I would maybe do it for a month or two but man, I somehow keep spitting out the reviews amidst everything else going on in my life so I suppose I’m here to stay – until I’m not.

 

I’ve noticed a few things along the way. It’s way harder to write a glowing complimentary review than it is to completely rip apart a God Awful comic book. Interesting huh? I think that’s why you see so many people who do reviews engage in negative feedback, it’s way easier to do. Being critical of something is a knee jerk reaction, it hits you hard and all you have to do is respond to your aesthetic triggers and drop several pages of vitriol. Maybe that’s why maddening books like ‘What’s the Furthest Place From Here’ or anything that Marvisney has been pooping out the past year are so easy to tear to pieces; there’s so much bleccchh to cover you’ll never run out of options for jokes or digs.

 

But to laud something? To declare something great, that takes some doing. You really have to ask yourself, hmm, why is this great? Why did this have such a profound impact on me? What is it about this that gave me that emotional lift that I always look for? Once you take the time to figure all of that out without having to drop bank on some wackadoodle doc on a therapy couch to tap into your subconscious needs, you’re then left to figuring out how to write adulatory text that doesn’t use the words awesome and great every other sentence.

 

Look, when I do Stand-Up I don’t go out there and tell everyone about the amazing date I just had and how we connected on a deep level and giggled over our idiosyncrasies, tee hee. I would get the light in a minute flat and never be invited back to that venue. No! People wanna hear about the Psycho Goth I met through AdultFriendfinder that met me at a Starbucks in a full see through get up, a top hat and furry boots and croaked like a frog when she laughed. They wanna hear how she had a dozen switchblades in her pocket book and threw them at telephone poles with startling accuracy while asking me if I would go see her band Vile PooBrain in Costa Mesa that Sunday night. Ya know, I’ve always wondered if I sought out these psychos for material rather than seeking out normal well balanced women. I’m sure there was always a part of me deep down that wondered ‘Man, this chick probably will give me 20 minutes of material’. In the finale of ‘Mrs. Maisel’ (one of the greatest TV Shows ever created in the history of the Universe and Multiverse) she speaks about how her dates have basically become fodder for her act during her big break on the Gordon Ford show; there’s definitely a lot of truth to that sentiment.

 

At any rate, I’ve enjoyed the burn to the ground reviews as much as the lift up to the heavens reviews and for my 100^th offering I present to you a comic that shall also be glorified and lifted to the comic book heavens with pages that sing and glisten in luxurious gold. I give to you: Something Epic! I think if this title was released by Marvisney or a publisher like Boom! I would’ve poo poo’d it but when it’s Image you have to give them the benefit of the doubt that this book is in fact epic: and it is.

 

There’s a ‘10 page’ rule for screenwriters. If you can’t hook someone with your script in the first 10 pages then your script is probably going to suck. Right off the bat you can tell that Szymon Kudranski is at the top of his game; the writing is elevated and inspired. It’s not expositional either, it’s a treatise on imagination and how it finds its way to exist in our physical world. The premise: Daniel is a kid who can see the world of imagination, not just what is but what has been. In other words, he also sees the thought creations and ideas of that which didn’t make it into the physical realm. He is like Cole Sear of the Sixth Sense but instead of seeing dead people he sees forgotten characters and after thoughts. There’s a whole B Story of his Mother’s struggle a s a single Mom to make ends meet and take care of Daniel through compromising circumstances which only adds to sympathetic nature of our lead.  Then there's art, dark, evocative, a concerted attention to every detail. I daresay this is a passion project of Szymon, something he's been working on for a while and of course it would be given the platform to breathe by the magnanimous publisher called Image.

 

Something Epic feels unconventional, it feels as if it’s seeking to push the boundaries of what the medium of comic books can offer. The fact that they use the back cover as the real estate for the final panel of the issue is evidence of this. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a final panel placed on a back cover before. I’m going to assume that Daniel meets others like him as he finds a way to either harness this gift or seeks a device to bridge the two worlds. I've not heard of this Kudranski guy before but my goodness as both the writer and artist of this perfectly woven start to his series, he's immediately become someone to watch. Wherever this book may go I’m 100% on board. This may be the Epic book that 2023 has been waiting for and Lord knows we've been waiting a looooong time.

 

Yeah yeah, boring, why don’t you rip apart Daredevil or Dark Horse’s recent crapola? Make us laugh funny boy! Get off the stage!

 

Wait wait, did I tell you about the time my date made me take her to a Gay Rave???

 

Rating: 9.7

Verdict: Epic Pull

WHAT'S THE FURTHEST PLACE FROM HERE #12 - Review

 

Ah, another issue drop of ‘What’s the Furthest Place from the Main Plot Narrative’ yippee! This comic is like a hot babe who you had one amazing date with but who you haven’t seen in months. You can’t figure out why she’s not interested in you even though you’re quite sure you both enjoyed yourselves immensely while bowling and making out between gutter balls. Yet she’s distant and barely responds to your DMs on Insta. You want to give up on her but then you see her post something and all your blood rushes to your crotch and then commands your brain to think up an excuse as to why you would be reaching out to her; it’s pure madness. That is what this comic book is like: It was great and now it’s in wackadoodleville but you keep coming back to it because it hooked you so well when it was going great.

 

WTFPFH was brilliant for the first six issues but now we’re still in a forest with some ancillary characters and I have no fucking idea what this story is about anymore. Actually wait, we’re back in the forest but now we’re in another backstory on another timeline. You know, I really think these two dudes wanted a Netflix series and instead somehow got roped into writing a comic book instead. Like, this was their dream pilot project but while getting lit at a grungy hipster loft party where everyone was dressed as furries somebody convinced them that using your comic book as a storyboard to pitch your TV project is all the rage now. This actually would work way better as a Netflix Series than a comic. It reminds of this current hot show called ‘Beef’, have you seen it? It’s actually really good but it goes so far off the rails from episode to episode, it’s insane. It’s like they’re trying to figure out ways from episode to episode to just blow up the entire plot; but it somehow works! That’s what Boss and Rosiecheeks I feel are trying to do but in Comic Book land it just comes off as a sequential art shit show.

 

I’ve stated this before but it bears repeating in order to understand why this comic book has flown off the rails into the clouds and off into another dimension. It has left the main story bloodied and butchered on the train tracks in its wake but there’s a logical explanation. I’m gonna call Boss and Rosenberg BossBurger for convenience sake. Let’s recap:

 

1.     BossBurger, two Hipster Flat White drinking He/Her/Them/Don’t Forget Us did a micro dose one night that turned into a macro dose. They came up with this wild dystopian future/Lord of the Flies type story that was fantastic.

 

2.     After developing the pilot for years they allowed a pseudo hottie at a hipster loft party to convince to turn it into a comic that would eventually turn into the Netflix series they wanted. They brought the concept to Image and although there was no Oatly available at their initial meeting BossBurger forgave Image and let them publish their new opus.

 

3.     The first six issues were a groundbreaking wild success. Several of the initial variant issues had 45 records which exploded the heads of the many hipster vinyl aficionados who latched onto the series. This caused them to halt the Vinyl Variants due to a major drop off in sales due to a chunk of their audience spontaneously combusting – but they kept chugging along

 

4.     Due to the success Image called BossBurger after the 5^th issue and said they wanted to continue the story after issue 6. Both Tyler and Boss answered the phone during one of their annual Ayuhuasca trips and completely freaked out. First, they never intended for this story to go longer than 6 issues and secondly, due to them tripping balls Robert Kirkman’s voice sounded like the character Sho Nuff from the 1985 Martial Arts Film ‘The Last Dragon’ BossBurger were mortally afraid of this character and had nightmares as kids from the “guy who looked like a Black Gene Simmons”, according to them. This caused them to flee to Tulum with their insignificant others.

 

 

 

5.     Image, at a loss as to what to do since they already paid for 6 more issues ended up hiring a bunch of different artists and lured Matt Fraction out of a Canadian Sex Dungeon to write back-up stories as a Ghost Writer for 4 issues, this continued until issue 10 at which point they had to wrap Fraction up and ship him back to Montreal after Image’s offices turned into what looked like an S&M Convention. Kirkman was also tired of telling Fraction that he did not want to dye his pubes and back hair cherry red like Fraction’s girlfriend super cute ultra talented girlfriend Kelly.

 

6.     Eventually BossBurger returned from Tulum. They were broke from spending all their money on hallucinogenics and from investing all their earnings in Silicon Valley Bank stock since one of their dealers was a shareholder of the bank and promised them untold riches. They crawled in their tattered rags to Image’s office and begged them to let them complete the story. It took them a few hours to wade through the rows of Sex Swings but eventually they made their way to Kirkman’s office and groveled in his lap

 

7.     Back in their Silverlake hovel, BossBurger had no idea what their comic book was about anymore so after tripping balls on cheap Hashish that they procured at a creepy pot and pan store in Chinatown they tapped into their childhood fantasies about banging chicks with animal heads on in the woods.

 

And now here we are at Backstory #6 of the initial 12 issues at some wacky young/old folks home that we already visited before sometime back when there were vinyl variants and a cast list inside the front cover. Here’s the thing, it’s not that any of these issues are bad per se it’s just that they’re so all over the place there’s zero continuity from month to month. Bossburger needs to be sat down at a UCLA Writing Class and be whipped with a switch until they realize the importance of maintaining a consistent timeline and not to lose your readers by incorporating a dozen over the course of your initial story arcs.

 

The final panel reveals the face of the enormously tall ‘Parental Figures’ of this series who have been popping in and out of the story dressed in puritanical long black dresses and washcloths that cover their entire head. Let’s just say Picasso would have enjoyed the reveal. As for me, I just rolled my eyes. Looks like next issue is the only issue left until they release another trade and there’s nothing scheduled as far as I can see after that.

 

I suppose Bossburger have probably defaulted on their Silverlake Hovel due to the exorbitant rental prices that plague the LA Market. I’m sure they’re gonna take time off as they move to Austin or Nashville or Florida or maybe they’ll go backpacking in Chile, who knows, whatever they need to do to continue to avoid figuring out where the hell their main narrative went. It doesn’t matter though, I’ll keep coming back every month because I’m a sucker for a hot story idea even if it continues to emotionally abuse me and ignore my blog posts begging for it to come back home to a grounded tale.

 

Just be careful Bossburger, ya never know when Matt Fraction will step away from his addiction to brimping and take over your comic book when you’re too busy shrooming to notice. Happens all the time.

 

Rating: 5.7

Verdict: Pull. Yes pull it! Don’t ask why just pull it! Arrrggghhhh!

DEEP CUTS #1 - Review

 

I got sick! Out of the blue! Wiped me out for a week plus, holy moly. I never get sick! Wow! Nooo it wasn’t the China Flu it was something else, something…energetic. It felt like my body was recalibrating, assimilating, needed to purge some deep rooted stuff. Maybe reading all the Marvel stuff that I’ve read during the past year finally caught up to me. Your body can only take so much toxicity. Maybe all those awful Hulk, Daredevil, Thor, Black Panther, Avenger, Iron Fist books needed to be puked up. I mean, I never had to vomit but maybe if I did it would have coalesced in my toilet with the silhouette of C.B. Cebulski, Marvisney’s current editor in chief. Or maybe I’ve been so depressed with Zdarsky’s butt Batman run that my body just shut down from the pain. Anyway, most of the comics I read during my stupor weren’t necessarily review worthy – except this one. When I look back on the Marvisney Zdarsky Detox of 2023 that I had this past week I’ll remember how this comic ‘Deep Cuts’ reminded me that greatness still abounds in Comic Book Land if you dare to take a risk on a new title and look for it.

 

First of all, just picking up this book and you feel the weight of it, the gravitas, the card stock, the presentation – it all feels very important; like you’re reading an event, years in the making. Also, kudos to Image for all the tiny details it added to this book including the homage to the Blue Note logo on the cover. As for the story, it does not disappoint: A young clarinetist Charles ‘Ace’ Stewart tracks down Jack Cartier, a great trumpeter of the day in early 20^th century New Orleans only to be let down by Cartier’s ego, greed and reckless ambition. In the process he finds his voice, his music and his redemption which includes his trial by fire with a piano player in a brothel. The creative team of Higgins, Clark, Beyruth, Monti and Otsmane weave a magical tale that feels like you’re reading music. The notes jump off the page with such lush passionate paneling that it somehow creates melodies within your mind. I mean, yeah, I was a little loopy from the icky I was feeling but there was a definite rhythm that you could feel with these characters and that is a testament to this team working lockstep off of each other. It felt like this book was created right from a second story flop house in the French Quarter with beignets and chicory root coffee flowing day after day; the love just poured into this book and it shows.

 

A major chunk of the book takes place in a brothel as Charles learns his repertoire from the resident pianist and befriends Daisy, one of the beautiful employees of the establishment. These scenes jolted within me the memories of the several times that I almost booked gigs as a comedian in naughty venues as well. I'm sure you're all sooo deeply interested in those moments aren't you?!?? Please regale us with these stories Issac. Fine, fine, twist my arm -

 

Back in the day one of my close comic friends created a comedy show at Cheetah’s which is a strip club on the East Side of Hollywood. The Comics would come out on the runway and do their shtick and in between acts strippers would come out and do, well, do their shtick. It was quite a show and I was promised a spot in the subsequent show that unfortunately never happened as the show was cancelled after lasting only one night. I distinctly remember hitting on one of the strippers that night and her actually really digging me. Had I stuck around all night I’m pretty sure she would’ve left with me. The problem for me was that I had to watch her ‘work the room’ in the final hours before she was done and me and my immature uppity stupidity apparently didn’t enjoy seeing my future date rubbing up and down and all around a bunch of yucky business types so I left before she was finished; dumb ass. Anyway, I had all these bits and jokes set up for me to deliver while I was going to spin around the stripper pole; yes I know, the world is a bleaker darker place because those genius jokes were never delivered on that squeaky clean stage.

 

Another moment that I almost booked a gig in a naughty venue was at a local sex shop called ‘The Pleasure Chest’ on Santa Monica Blvd. near WeHo. It was actually a somewhat classy establishment, I had been in there a number of times and you never felt gross walking in; it just felt like a, I dunno, a shop that sold sex stuff. This was about ten years ago and they put a comedy show right on the floor when you walked in. It was hosted by T.J. Miller right before his career took off with the Silicon Valley show. You could tell that he was about to blow up, he just had this air of confidence about him and there was a lot of bustling energy around him. It’s funny how you just know when somebody is about to  jump into the stratosphere; Dane Cook had that same vibe as well. Anyway, again, the show ended up getting cancelled before I was scheduled to book a spot so once again I was foiled from enjoying a gig at a naughty venue. I’ll have to figure that out one of these days. In the meantime, I’ll have to settle for living vicariously through the magical musical journey of Charles Stewart. It seems like this is the first in a six issue series and with this story wrapping up already I’m excited to see where this team goes next.

 

As far as I know, The Pleasure Chest and the Cheetah Club are still open for business so, you know, if, you know, this creative team, if you wanted to, you know, do a Jazzy Naughty thing here for one of those issues I could you know, maybe open for one of your acts, you know, you wouldn’t have to draw me or anything it would just, okay, I’ll stop. But, you know, okay, cool.

 

Rating: 9.3

Verdict: Pull

CLEAR #2 - Review

 

Second dates are tough. It’s challenging to show up again and reaffirm to someone ‘Hey, I’m great’. See, the first date is actually easy, it can be a performance; it’s a slice of you. You get to carefully choose what to show and how to show it; a tactile manicure of your existence deftly presented to a prospective…whatever: lover, fling, validation, ego boost – up to you. It’s why Social Media is such a complete and utter disaster to the human race. Everyone is projecting their carefully manicured existence to the world which will neverrr replicate or indicate the truthful persona of that filtered projection. Maybe that’s why Social Media is ironically so anti-social? Since people are never going to live up to the idea that they’ve created online they have to hide behind it far away from actual in-person human eyeballs. Eyeballs that would dress down the augmented thought to its hum-drum reality.

 

Humans will also look back at Dating Apps as one of the most puerile destructive creations ever installed into the natural mechanisms of love, romance and sex. The fantasy of endless choice and brutal disappointing realities of failed expectations in relation to a selective photoshopped slideshow was never going to make anyone truly happy – and yet we all gleefully went along with it; the Devil’s convenience fooled us once again.

 

One of the main pitfalls of online dating was always ‘Am I actually talking to someone real?’.  ‘Is the person in the photos actually the person I’m chatting with or is it someone else?’. I knew I had to delete all dating apps on my phone when I was doing more and more reverse image searches on my phone to check if the profile photos of my ‘match’ were authentic or pulled from somebody else’s profile (celebrity or model). Nothing will beat vibe. Period. Vibration is everything and cannot be manifested over technology or over the meticulous choice of phrases and emojis within a chatbox. I think that’s where we’re headed with art unfortunately. As AI proliferates into our conscious world we’ll find ourselves asking ourselves over and over ‘Was this article/book/painting/video/comic real or was it created by AI?’

 

It’s already begun. AI is encroaching slowly into our lives; a pas de deux between the human and the machine that seeks to be human. I don’t see this ending well. I don’t trust nor believe in the honest intentions of those who ostensibly are ‘in charge’ of the AI. Think about the moment when a gun was first created. Whatever you feel about guns I think it’s safe to say they haven’t been a blessing unto this world. If you could go back and just delete that idea from manifesting from our consciousness into reality I’m sure we would all have been a lot happier over the previous centuries. That’s where we are with AI. If we’re not careful AI will turn into a weapon far more destructive than any bullet could ever have dreamed of. And yet here we are, chatting with it online like it’s a teddy bear filled with gumdrops.

 

I bring all this up in regards to Scott Snyder’s ‘Clear’ because the ‘First Date’ of this comic was a magnificent performance while the ‘Second Date’ felt like it was written by AI. It felt like Scott roped us in with a grand premise and world in Issue 1 and then handed it off to ChatGPT to complete the journey. Obviously I doubt that actually happened but having flipped the last page over to this issue I feel like this story just catfished me. The first issue’s execution and hook were brilliant: A futuristic post-apocalyptic world where augmented reality ‘veils’ are the norm that dropped into a ‘noir murder mystery’. Then, what, did Scott have better things to do and just asked ChatGPT to write him a solid follow up to the first issue that will compel readers to then pick up the final installment despite its mediocrity?

 

What fell short in this issue was I lost the sense of this wild technological dystopia along with the mystery of how these ‘veils’ actually worked and got a bunch of standard stereotypical ‘Noir’ devices.

 

1.     The Hot and Bothered Wife visited by the Detective at her glam pool

2.     The Detective is shot but survives due to a bad guy actually being a good guy

3.     The Detective gets framed for a crime/murder he doesn’t commit

4.     The Detective on the run from his own police force

5.     The Detective hanging by one hand from a cliff as the real villain threatens him

 

Oy vey. Like, where was Jayne Mansfield telling our lead dude to ‘Come up and see her sometime’? I mean, Snyder should’ve made us a Spotify playlist of a droning saxophone with a empty tumbler of ice rattling in the background. Did he download a PDF of ‘How to make your Noir Story super Noir’ and  then upload it to his AI program?

 

Look, from now on, I am hereby calling for a full moratorium on all HEROES HANGING BY ONE HAND ON A FUCKING CLIFF! How many fucking times can stories have lit-er-al cliffhangers?!?!? Can someone actually do a study on how many actual cliffs are available in the world to have a hero hang from so we can astutely the assess how low the probability is for this ridiculous feat to happen. From now on, if you’re a writer, you’re not allowed to put any of your frikkin characters hanging from a cliff until you yourself have actually gone to a cliff, hung from it, and realized how batshit impossible it is to do any of the moves that your heroes supposedly do.

 

While we’re at it, if you’re going to write in a scene where a dude is holding onto a chick who’s dangling from a cliff with one arm then it should be required that you take a couple bags of groceries to a cliff and see how long your spindly nerdy ass can hold onto just a couple bags of groceries before all your containers of Oatly go tumbling onto the tumbleweeds below.

 

Yeesh.

 

Anyway, Francis Manapul’s art is flat out gorgeous. There’s a lot of amazing new and upcoming artists out in the comic book universe doing wonderful work. Now if only the writers could match their spectacular efforts we’d be in geeky heaven. As it stands, Snyder reverts to form from his previous three issue drops and poops out a clunker. I mean, it really wasn’t a clunker it just wasn’t nearly as ‘Wow’ as the first date. Now I’m roped into a third date because I’ve already shelled out for two dates and have barely gotten a smooch out of it.

 

How much you wanna bet Synder’s last issue of ‘Clear’ puts me in the friend zone?

 

Rating: 7.0

Verdict: Pull. [Grumble]