Ooh a comic about Astrology, sign me up! Well, it’s not actually about astrology. That would be a great book though: Hero’s obsessed with their astro readings every day become the pure embodiment of all the stereotypical characteristics of their chosen sign. So the dude who has a Scorpio logo on his chest turns into a throbbing knob that bangs his enemies from the front and stabs them with his tail from the back. Oh please, you know that’s what you think about Scorpios. I’m a Scorpio. The minute I tell someone I’m a Scorpio they go ‘Ohhhhh, I see’ and I can tell they’re thinking ‘I better watch out, he might try and make me laugh then bang me while I’m laughing’. Yes, that’s exactly what I do. Joke. You laugh. Dick in mouth. Back to one. In a flash. It’s imperceptible. You’ll need to have a CCTV to slow down the action to catch me. We get taught this at Scorpio School after we turn 18. We then graduate and have a Bang-Mitzvah where we read over the Kama Sutra and wail the text in an orgasmic melody. Whatever.
The premise is that the star constellations where all the zodiacs reside have somehow collapsed, shattered or disappeared. This occurrence was known ahead of time by some White Privileged Canadians who are clearly racist, transphobic and broke a dozen windows at the Capital on J6. I know this because there’s zero diversity in the group, it’s appalling. That all changes when we get to Brooklyn and meet our lead chick. She’s Lebanese (thank God) and she probably beat the shit out of Sarah Michelle Gellar before getting home so she could smoke pot with her roomie Tyler – wait is he? Hmm, he must be a plus, must be. Anyway, she’s cool and hip, obvi, and she’s a sympathetic figure because, duh. I care because I have to get my CEI up
So she’s a caterer. After smoking a doobie (not cool to say that, I know, but that’s what I say, I don’t smoke anything but if I did I would use the term doobie) she rushes to work. She’s late. Her Boss is clearly a White Supremacist because she didn’t crawl on her knees to her and kiss her feet while draped in a Lebanese flag. While making food our lead gets stressed and then, boom, time stops. So what does she do? She uses the time with everybody frozen in the entire space to catch up on all the food she has to make.
Umm, what?
So let me get this straight. You’re a caterer. You’re late for your job. When you get there your boss piles more work on top of you and doubles the amount of food you have to make. It stresses you out to the point where your head shakes and then…boom! You’ve stopped time, as in time stops and everyone freezes except you. I’m going to assume this isn’t a regular occurrence for some rando caterer from Brooklyn. So again, time stops, the world is frozen and this chick’s reaction is to get to work while everyone is frozen so she could make up time on all the work she has to do??? Are you fucking kidding me?!? TIME JUST STOPPED. Your reaction is ‘Cool now I can cook up some croquettes in peace’ ????
You’re not gonna walk around and touch people? I would say that would be the first thing you would do, you would touch people to make sure they can’t move. The second thing you would do is consider whether it’s okay for you to touch their boobs or butts. I would definitely be touching butts. Like a nice ‘wax on wax off’ on some and maybe a little scrunch here and there. Hey, I’m being honest, you probably would too and if not you’d be like ‘hmm I could touch this person’s butt and get away with it’. Next, you would give people the finger and make faces at them. You’d get really close to their face and just spout gibberish. Then you’d run around everyone and slap everyone’s butts like you’re playing butt tag. Then you’d unleash a real nasty fart in the center of the room and waft it in everyone’s noses so that the first thing they smell when time picks up again is butt. It’d be a double butt whammy. They’d go ‘Hmm, why do I smell butt all of a sudden and why does my butt hurt?’. These are things a completely normal person would do if confronted by TIME ACTUALLY STOPPING!
But no, this chick makes some more pigs in a blanket and gets working on her lavash game before the laws of physics and time kick back in. I call complete and utter BS. Then at the end the Canadian chick busts through the door of her apartment knocking poor hipster Tyler the Plus out (serves him right for having a great childhood and liking vanilla yogurt) and reveals to us that our lead is a Taurus. Oy vey. So, the zodiac is gone and let me guess it incarnated in people around the world. This smells eerily similar to that Mark Millar ‘Ambassadors’ trash that just came out where the creepy Korean AI chick gave various normies around the world super powers.
So lemme guess, if I keep buying the books in this series I’ll find out who else got the power of their zodiac sign, right? Oy to the vey to the ismir. Here, why don’t I knock that out for everyone so you don’t have to drop another 20 bones or so on Caption Zodiac and the Canadimaniacs.
Taurus – Lebanese doobie smoking caterer stops time and also causes every one to the fold their arms and say ‘No I won’t’ in a five-mile radius.
Aries – Turns a Wacko Babe from Florida into a literal wrecking ball.
Gemini – Turns an artsy chick from Michigan into twins and
she makes everyone in the world love her and hate her at the same time. Boyfriend gets endless threesomes but brutal couples therapy sessions with all 3 present.
Cancer – Turns an Armenian Dude from Glendale into a sobbing mess. Wherever he goes people break down and bawl uncontrollably. He still drives a white Mercedes though.
Leo – Turns a hottie from Diamond Bar into a music producer who breaks the lap tops of complete strangers. My ex was a Leo. So, yeah, not a super power but whatever, next!
Virgo – Turns a chubby loner from Vermont into an enormous broom and he sweeps and dusts the entire Northeastern corridor til it’s sparkly clean.
Libra – Jersey math nerd can’t decide if she wants to be a hero or not, this goes on for, well, the rest of her life, duh.
Sagittarius – Country chick from Nashville, nobody ever finds out what her super power is because she always leaves before anyone can ask.
Capricorn – Dude from Norway. Financial whiz. When he walks past business they go under and he buys them for pennies on the dollar. Makes a mean tuna sandwich.
Aquarius – A nerdy dude from Wisconsin, literally turns into an old school calculator.
Pisces - A doofus from Vegas turns into a bottle of Jack Daniels.
I already did Scorpio, so, there ya go! What a team!
Look.
This book feels cheap, silly and cartoonish. It feels like something you’d watch during afternoon cartoons in the 90s. Like it would come after Animaniacs and Captain Planet. They would hope you’d keep watching ‘Star Signs’ because you’re so deep in your couch and your sugar crash that you wouldn’t be able to get up or find the remote, so you’d keep watching this goofy show. I mean, I can hear the chintzy background music while reading this book: the oboes, the dissonant piano chords, the flutes.
There's a premise here, something to do with the Astro Signs and the energy they impart. It definitely has the makings for a great book or show. Unfortunately you're not going to find that here in this comic so toss it on the floor, let a Scorpio hump it, a Cancer cry over it and a Pisces pour some malt liquor over it and burn it into ashes. Then go stream some Pinky & The Brain. Or better yet start a Meetup to track The Brain down so we can all ask him how to get Disney to sell Marvel.
Rating: 5.0
Verdict: Drop
No comments:
Post a Comment