THE BEST COMIC BOOKS OF 2022

                  THE BEST COMIC BOOKS OF 2022

Why are all ‘Best Of’ lists a Top 10? Or Top 25? Top 100? Are you not allowed to have a list that doesn’t equate into denominations of 10s and 5s? I always wonder, are they squeezing stuff in to make it an even 25 or are they leaving a bunch out and if they are leaving a bunch out why not just extend the frikkin’ list???

Well, my Best Of List will be a Top 12 mmkay? Problem??? Nothing was left off, nothing was squeezed in these are legitimately the best Comics that I read all year. 2022 was the year of ‘One and Done's’. I don’t remember pulling so many first issues and trashing them before I got to issue 2.

I pulled 185 comics this year down from 250 last year and down from about 300 five years ago. So I’ve basically lost 10 titles a year which I would say is a direct reflection of the miserable direction Marvisney is headed coupled with the new norm of long layoffs between arcs of successful books and more and more shorter series. Look at all the books I’ve reviewed. Almost all of the are issues 1-4 or 5, maybe 6. Seems like creators are given shorter leashes and the market is being inundated with titles that are looking to stick to the wall like spaghetti.

What does that mean for comic geeks? It’s just like anything these days. They will over saturate your options to the point where you’ll have no choice but to pick up something. I mean, one of these new series has to be good right? Well, I’m not looking for good. I’m not interested in ‘myneh, that was okay’. I want great. I want ‘ooh, blank just dropped a new issue, yes!’ The comics below all fit the bill. As the guy from the Insta Account of ‘LA in a Minute’ would say “Let’s get into it!’

 

12. Defenders (2022) - This old school cosmic dimensional hopping mishmash team-up by Al Ewing & Javier Rodriguez brought back all the feels of those mind bending Marvel acid trips comics of the 60s and 70s. In a year of Marvisney misfires this one hit the mark dead center. Speaking of Marvisney, honorable mention to Daredevil (2022) which has been consistently great for years but has unfortunately gone downhill as of late. 

 

11. Chicken Devil - Nothing special about the plot but something special about the execution. This fast food co-owner/ average Joe/family guy pushed to the brink by the Russian Mob over a drug deal misunderstanding was a splatter fest that was spicy enough to stay on everyone's pull. In a year where you wanted to go out into public and go ballistic I'm sure we all now wonder if wearing a Chicken Suit will help us get away with it. How this is not a Streaming TV Show by now is beyond me.

 

 

10. Love Everlasting - Love! Romance! A time traveling   saga, a heartbreaking mess. Gimme Gimme Gimme. More Love! I love me some wooing and some smooch smooching and Tom King and new art superstar Elsa Charretier delivered the goods. I’m fascinated by what the hell is going on even though I don’t know what the hell is going on with Joan and all these dudes who either wanna kill her or marry her but I must find out. After Tom King’s triple time-lined Batman/Catwoman debacle he bounced back with this heart thumping winner. Grab it and demand more smooches and lovey dovey stuff in comics.

 

9. Pearl III - Michael Gaydos should probably get an Artist of the Year Award. What's next Mr. G? I will follow you anywhere you go. Bendis kept upping the ante on this phenomenal Yakuza Tat Artist Boss Babe story for three arcs in a row. The final installment of this series had enough twists and eye popping layouts to satisfy even the hardest of hardcore Tattoo Yakuza Frisco Tokyo Petite Albino Bad Ass lovers out there. A Streaming Show HAS to be on its way soon. If not, umm, hello? Stream. My TV. Soon.

 

8. Robin & Batman - I was super psyched when I saw that Lemire/Nguyen, the same team behind the perfectly done Descender/Ascender series, were doing a Robin Batman series and they did not disappoint. A unique twist on the Robin origin story that might bring a few tears to your eyes if you’re not careful. As for other great Batman books this year Honorable mention to White Knight by Sean Murphy and One Dark Knight by Jock which brought a rock em sock em Gotham black out tale to an electric life.

 

7. Echolands - J.H. Williams III and W. Haden Blackman literally turned the comic world on its side and created a horizontal book filled with all the amazing layouts you’ve come to crave since they dropped them in the classic New 52 Batwoman series. The story is nothing to write home about but the visual style blender is so visually holy fuckamoley good you don’t care. Plus the reveal of his insane vinyl collection in the back that provided the soundtrack to the creation of the book will probably make you cry over the piddly vinyl collection you just started recently.

 

6. King Conan (2022) - The Best Conan story in like forever. Probably the best since Brian Wood’s epic Dark Horse run. An emotional gut punch of a Father Son story paired with a ‘You have to team up with your mortal arch enemy Wizard wack job to defeat an island of zombies’ story. Leave it to Marvisney to screw everything up and cancel not only this series but Conan completely. Crom willing Titan Publishing will get it right when it starts Conan back up next year. In the meantime this is a six issue Conan run that will stand the test of time.

 

5. The Good Asian - A riveting Chinatown Detective story that overflowed with heart, history and heat. There was nothing like this series on the racks before, during and probably won't be anything like it long after the trades come out. What really made this series extra special was all the backmatter that included so many great interviews and historical references from those who experienced this part of America. It really rounded this book into an experience not to be missed.

4. Primordial - Sniffle. This one got me good. If you’re a doggie owner good luck in not bawling at the finale of this space traveling time bending tale. My goodness, I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall at this pitch meeting with Jeff Lemire ‘Two monkeys and a doggie in an inter-dimensional spaceship come home’ What??? GTFO. I’m not sure my Diva Doggie would’ve done well on this ship. She barely handles being stuffed like a pocketbook underneath an airline seat. 

 

 

 

3. Step by Bloody Step  - A book with no translatable dialogue. Instead it gave you so many beautiful haunting indelible images you realized that words would have just mucked up the genius. There are moments in this series that still stay with me months after I put it down. A truly unique tale. I won’t even begin to try and describe the story just grab the trade, take a seat and let this gorgeous work take you away on a fantastic journey.
 

 

 

 

2. Aquaman: Andromeda - Wait, an Aquaman book was better than all the other Batman books I read this year? Yes. Yes it was. Ram V and Christian Ward were a masterful duo that dragged you down to the depths of their combined genius and dared you to want to leave. Christian Ward is a beast when it comes to colors and his signature artistic style was made for this ‘Crew seeks out crashed Alien Ship’ tale. Ram V’s Aquaman was mystical, mysterious and deeply human. I was enthralled by every single page. A truly majestic perfectly woven story. Wow.

 

 

1. Catwoman: Lonely City - What if a villain, way past her prime, gets released from jail and tries to recapture her past glory while solving the mystery of her lover/rival? This was the alternative universe born out of the brilliant mind of Cliff Chiang who found the perfect future self for a host of villains including Poison Ivy, Killer Croc (who looked like a goombah in a Lower East Side bar. Of course he was a Mets fan lol) and the Riddler; all a little creakier and paunchier and all a lot more sympathetic. The finale was masterfully done with dire consequences for all. This was a triumph in every aspect of the medium and Chiang better have multiple books coming out in 2023.

Okay. I said Top 12. But I HAVE TO mention one of the greatest comic books I've ever experienced. An over the top Wow Fest. A Most Honorable and High Exalted Mention of the Year goes to...

 

 

Wonderwoman: Historia - Due to it’s protracted release schedule from last year to the end of this year (final issue just came out this week) it’s hard to call this 3 issue series a true 2022 comic; but oh what a comic it is. Actually this wasn’t really a comic, it was an event. I mean, I’ve never seen anything like this before. An Epic Deified Origin Story that laid waste to all epic origin stories that came before it. It harkened back to the spectacular Azzarello/Chiang Wonder Woman run of the New 52 a decade prior where The Gods were an integral part of the story and just blew the whole thing to the heavens and beyond. My God. Read this. A truly jaw dropping work by Kelly Sue DeConnick and three dazzling artists.

2022 was the year DC Black Label knocked it out of the fucking park. A complete moon shot, with titles I would never in a million years purchase let alone at the price points that they had them at. Yet with the talent they put together plus the stories and sublime art that poured into the pages of this holy moly triumvirate, this imprint went above and beyond what any Comic Geek could hope for. Take notes Marvel! Not to be outdone, Image continues to pump out eye blazing books month after month, year after year. Just get BKV and Staples back on their desks please and keep them there? Let's not have Saga go until 2087 mmmkay?

That’s it people!  Thanks for coming along or popping in every now and then to this page. I’m having a lot of fun with it and I see no reason to stop ranting and raving about these little mags filled with sequential art and words. In a world and time where the big things seem so much larger than they are, it’s the little things that remind you to take a breath, pull up a chair, and let your imagination run free.

As Billy Ray Valentine said in Trading Places: Merry New Year!

 


 



 

WHAT'S THE FURTHEST PLACE FROM HERE #8 - Review

 

Somewhere in Between

 

I’m not sure if this series is pure genius or pure lunacy. I think it may be somewhere in between. Oh, that’s what they do in this comic. They have a black page with a line or word or two from the scene about to happen before they happen. Scenes can be as short as one or two pages. I think I thought it was cool the first several issues now I’m like ‘Oh Shut the fuck up just go to the next panel’

 

Oh Shut the Fuck Up

 

No, no, it foretells the upcoming scene. That’s wrong. The line would have to be ‘That’s Wrong’ for it to be consistent with what they’ve been doing, unless of course I go ‘Oh shut the fuck up’ for no reason…which I just did. Hmm, creepy how that just worked.

 

Strangle one of Them

 

I think the creators of this comic are either some of the coolest people you’ll ever meet or possibly the most annoying. I can see myself sitting at a café near them as they drink their Cortados and Flat Whites and laugh really loudly at their jokes about physics and fly fishing while I stew in my loneliness and wonder how to waft my sardine fart over to them. Or maybe I’ll just hop on the table and strangle one of them. I mean, I bet all these guys would do is film it or go ‘Hey man, hey, what’s your favorite vinyl, stop that dude’

 

I haven’t dropped $120

 

I’m not sure if they’re still doing this but the first several issues all had a Vinyl Option where you could purchase a variant with a 45inch vinyl with cool art that would have songs that I assume were either written for or inspired the material. I wanted these variants but my comic shop never got them. They were 15 bux each so I think it’s a good thing I haven’t dropped $120 on this comic series especially not knowing what kind of music would be on each 45.

 

Black Puke Gizzard Balls

 

I can see the music on the 45s being all weird punk stuff from bands I’ve never heard of and then I’d have to at least pretend to like it a little bit which would be lying to myself. At the very least when I would meet one of the many tatted up nose ring black leather jacket chicks that wobble around LA I can look at one of the patches on their jacket and go ‘Hey, Black Puke Gizzard Balls. I like them a lot! Especially their song ‘Huuuurrrggghhhh’ 

 

Dystopian Post Virus type Death World

 

One of the groups of kids in this ‘Lord of the Flies in a Dystopian Post Virus type Death World’ identify each other by pulling their favorite vinyl out of their pants. Oh, and they also live in a record shop. I think that’s a leeeeetle over the top with the vinyl references. I mean don’t get me wrong I’m all in and have always been all in with the 33 1/3s but dudes, like, reel it in. The last issue was great because they backed up and gave us a backstory as to how this world they’ve depicted got to the point that it did which was insanely necessary because as a reader I was flying blind trying to figure out what the fuck was going on.

 

What the Hell is Going On Here Mode

 

That is one thing I will give this comic. It has me completely in the ‘I want to know what the hell is going on here’ mode, which is a mode you want an audience to be in. I’m invested in knowing even if I feel like the story has veered off of the tracks, and veered it has, until last issue where they capitulated and explained a bunch of stuff. This issue however was a Jackson Pollock dump on my eyeballs. It was like looking at Rembrandts for 7 issues and then for this issue they went all drunk Sean Murphy doing Peyote on me. I don’t know who this Lopez Ortiz artist is but I think my emotionally unstable Ex-Latina Fiance may have something to do with them/they/alltogethernow messing with this comic book. Or maybe the original artist went ‘Wait, this isn’t genius, this is pure lunacy!’

 

Face Pampers and Jabs

 

So each cover of this comic foretells a location that gets touched upon in each issue. This issue had a location of a sex shop. Me and my ‘haven’t had a date since before the time of face pampers and jabs for all’ was a bit excited to peel the pages open. The only thing that got peeled opened were my eyeballs from the art which was completely different from all the previous issues. I mean, you’re watching a Mel Brooks movie and then all of a sudden Tarrantino gets his hands onto an action sequence type of jarring. What the hell? And the art is really on the abstract side, wild lines, grotesques features, blurry action, a complete departure from all of the previous books. Not only that but after a while I realize they’re giving us another back story of the main kids this time. What??? You don’t do that. You don’t give me back story of the world in one issue and then give me another one on characters the next issue. I mean, it’s nice but now I’m completely distanced from what’s actually going on. Dude, do you ever watch a TV show or Movie and they give you a flashback only to immediately give you another flashback right after??? No. No you do not.

 

Los Angeles Catchphrase

 

Despite the visual smorsgasbord of a comic I actually think their back story of how all these kids came together to form one of the existing ‘Kid Groups’ of this comic was well thought out. Overall, the creators have done an excellent job of weaving a menacing world outside of the confines of these teens/kids doing and legislating wacky things to each other. When I saw the first issue of this comic I thought it was going to be the new Los Angeles Catchphrase since people have been fleeing this dumpathon in droves the past few years. Like, they see a homeless person taking a dump in front of their business and go ‘What’s the furthest place from here?’.

 

Impromptu Toilets

 

I hear in Studio City they’ve set up ‘Take a Number Dispensers’ all over so the homeless could line up properly before taking a dump in front of businesses. At least the impromptu toilets are being organized properly: ‘Number 22? Yeah, so Starbucks was just pooped on you can do CVS parking lot entrance or Trader Joe’s. No, sorry, CVS street entrance already has 5 poops’.

 

Cortado/Flat White Gang

 

Now that they’ve established a bunch of the underlying structure of this series, this comic has a real chance to be superb and memorable provided that the Cortado/Flat White Gang steer it into a satisfying conclusion. I’ll be along for the ride for sure.

 

I’ll be along for the Ride

 

No I already said that. You’re late.

 

You’re Late

 

Oh fer goodness sake.

 

Oh fer -

Shut the fuck up!

 

 

Rating: 7.7

 

Verdict Pull

 

Verdict: Pull

 

DAREDEVIL #5 - Review

 

When we last left our Fist me with that Hand Devil Dude and Elektrica Babe they were on their backs in the snow, holding hands after just being proclaimed Man and Wife by Stick, their crotchety pain in the ass martial arts teacher schmuck. Now before I even opened up this issue my question was, did they have a honeymoon? I mean if I just got hitched to a hot Latina in an island in the middle of nowhere and all I had to look forward to was battling an ancient ninja wraith zombie cult I’d like a little nookie just to take the edge off. Not sure where Double D and Nasty Natchios could get that done, place looks awful. Maybe Stick could coach them on how to be buck naked in the snow, build heat and bang but Stick is the last person I’d want as a voyeur for any sexy time ‘You call that grabbing hair and slappin’ ass pretty boy. You slap ass like that when the Hand is around you’ll get your ass handed to you!’ Stick did you just make a jo – 'Shut up dickwad!' Sorry.

 

My other question is can Elektra cook? I don’t care if this makes me sound old fashioned or what but I want my woman to not only just cook but to be a super bad ass cook. Looks fade, butts will sag but a magical bowl of beans and rice with a perfectly cooked steak is forever. I can’t see Elektra cooking for jack. Like her eggs are probably the worst. She probably burns toast and then tosses your expensive Breville toaster out the window. God forbid you carp and gripe about it you’re asking for a nunchuk landing inches from your nuts. I mean yeah, if you wake up with morning wood she’s probably launching herself naked up in the air, doing several flips and landing perfectly on your long duck dong; so there’s that. Although, she probably likes it too rough for my taste. Like, right hook my jaw while you’re on top of me or just flat out choke me from behind you loser. That’s waaay too much work. I’m not choking anybody for no reason, I need a reason and the threat of getting a heel in face during sex isn’t a motivator other than yeah, I’m busy this week and the next, I’ll text you mmkay.

 

I mean, look at this main cover. Double D is miserable! He’s officially now in marriage prison and he’s rattling the cage to be let out. And there’s ‘Lektra grabbing onto him from behind begging him to come back to bed. She’s whispering in his ear:

 

‘Come back to bed Matty poo, I want you to call my Brown Eye ‘Bullseye’ again and I want to you to pound it like Wilson Fisk was staring at you from within it’s empty depths’. 

 

Daredevil doesn’t even look like Daredevil he looks like a Paladin or a Ranger from Dungeons & Dragons. Weren’t the kids that played the Paladins and the Rangers in D&D always the biggest assholes? Like, they were always Chaotic Good or something like that and they always blamed everyone else for your party getting decimated by a gang of weak ass Hobgoblins even though they always rolled a 1 or a 2 in combat.

 

So I open this Marvisney book up and, wait, this is Dr. Leonard Sampson??? From the Hulk comics? Why does he look like a Green Sasquatch/Grinch Mutant? Then we get all this nonsense that because Double D and Lekky married everyone now has enhanced fighting abilities. Foggy is now flying through the air and kicking like Spiderman. Yeah, I call bullshit. When all your friends get married the only enhanced fighting abilities you get is the ability to find new batteries for your TV remote in a swifter fashion as you stay home every night with a nary a social life to speak of. Wow look at me! When all my friends post pictures of their children within seconds my face is plastered against a window looking out into the night wondering if I’ll ever say hello to a woman again: now that’s a super power! I think I’m going to call myself Captain Spectrum TV Homebody!

 

Now Hubby and Wifey are plotting to break out a bunch of villain losers from a prison island which I assume is to help the Fist grab the Hand of the Knob. So we get standard prison break silliness and a final shot of Captain America and Stark saying they have to ‘bring Daredevil in’. Great. More tie-in bullshit. Let me guess, I have to now go and read 10 Avengers titles and a pathetically bad Moongirl Devil Girl T Rex book to catch up to what’s going on. Dude. This is FIVE issues of set up. What is this? A three and a half hour foreign coming of age Lesbian movie?

 

Elektra is cute though. Look at all that hair. How is she managing to keep it so full and have it have that shiny luster in the middle of an island? What brand of Blow Dryer is she using? It’s a Babyliss isn’t it? Red? With a button that fires nunchuks just in case? What a maniac.

 

You know what else Elektra would also be a maniac about? Social media. God forbid you even like some random insta trashy ho’s vid or even have it come up on your feed. You could neverrrr leave your phone around with Elektra. You have to take it in the shower with you and sleep with it up your asshole to be safe. The crazy thing is, you know Elektra’s gotten drunk and done a Tik Tok dance challenge and killed it. You’ll see it and beg her to do it again and she’ll always deflect and say that was a one shot deal.

 

But one night she’ll get tipsy when you’re both alone and she’ll grab ‘I Think We’re Alone Now’ by Tiffany off of Spotify and start doing some choreography to it. The problem is, since you two are alone and she’s tipsy and probably horny she’s going to beat the shit out of you as well.

 

I think we’re alone now [choreography, she then throws one of her Sai’s at you]

 

Ow! Babe, that’s my eye

 

There doesn’t seem to be anyone around [choreography, she then fires several Shuriken at you]

 

Ahhh! Fuck! Lekky! There’s three of these things in my chest! Owww!

 

I think we’re alone now [Backflip, leg kick to your jaw]

 

Oof! Honey, I’m sorry I said your rice tasted like sneakers, please –

 

The beating of our hearts is the only sound [Right cross to head, downward kick on your nuts]

 

[Whimper]

 

Bang my Browneye and call it Bullseye!!!

 

Yes dear, right away, dear.

 

Hey Chip, this comic is starting to really suck, get things moving or I’m dumping you and this slow crawl of a yawnfest faster than Elektra would dump me for cumming too quickly.

 

Rating: 6.9

Verdict: Pull on Alert

MIRACLEMAN: SILVER AGE #2 - Review

 

We’re back with the Miracle Shmiracle Gang! Now, at first I thought this was the big one. The one where Neil takes us off on his ‘this is what I’m going to do with this story and this is where I’m going to take it’ moment. I did not know this issue had already been published but with different layouts which they detailed in the backmatter. Again, I am just realizing this is a reprint but this is my first time reading this issue.

 

The comic is all ‘Dicky is the best woo hoo’ in the beginning and middle. He gets a ticker tape parade in Noo Yawk and a key to the city. He meets the Double M Gang of teens which includes some redhead chick who apparently just wants to fuck everyone. I’m not sure why Redheads aren’t raking Neil across the coals on social media for perpetuating an insulting stereotype that all Redheads are randy and ready to go. I once dated a Redhead. Once. She actually was randy and ready to go until we actually were in bed and ready to go and then said to me ‘There’s so much we can do without doing anything’. I wish I had Camera One pinned on my facial expression after that line, it was probably priceless.

 

The issue ends with biscuits and tea with MM at the end for a nightly chat. Prior to this chat we've had several intimate moments between Double M and his Miracle Babe Consort Chickadee about having to breach ‘the subject’ with Little M. We don’t know what this subject is but it keeps getting touched upon. Then, finally, after a neither here nor there issue steadily chugging along we get…

 

GAY SMOOCH??? SERIOUSLY??? Wow! I did not see that coming at all. Look, I have ZERO problems with gay smooches. Gay smooch wherever and with whomever you want anywhere you want, love is love. I was just taken aback that Double M wants Little M’s Little D. I don’t remember there being any electricity between these two, was there? Or is Double M like ‘Hey, I have 5000 kids. I bang who I want. Even a HeroGod wants what he can’t have and me rikey!

 

I can see Marvel initially balking at wanting to reprint issues of this series. I can see them going, ‘Why should we put out something that has already been done? We neverrrr do that. Let’s just get to the new stuff Neil-ah-roonkski. I can see Neil walking into his pitch to Marvel. He’s not only going to get them to reprint the stuff but he’s going to redo the layouts the way he wants and he's gonna put his stink on it. Neil probably sat down with a smirk and in his elegant accent said:

 

Miracle Dickie Bang Bang Smoocheroo

 

Marvel Comic suits heads explode. People come running in from the offices in wonderment, what’s going on in there. Gaiman says it again with even more gusto:

 

Miracle Dickie Bang Bang Smoocheroo

 

Even more heads explode! The floor starts shaking. Cracks form in the walls. West Hollywood erupts in a cacophony of orgasmic celebratory wails of delight. Rocco’s on San Vicente fills to gills with socialites and fashionistas dressed like Big M and Little M! Disney Execs board their underground tunnel shuttle that zips up from Anaheim to New York City is 15 minutes flat. By the time they reach Marvel’s Editorial Offices the Execs are all naked and in a state of jubilant exhaustion. On their way up the elevator they stop off in the mailroom and grab two or three male blonde interns, strip them down and drag them into the elevators. When the doors open to the top floor they triumphantly climb onto the intern’s buttocks, strap a harness over them and ride them like a White Horse into what’s left of the Boardroom where Neil is now levitating naked with the MiracleMan logo emblazoned on his chest. Fire shoots out of his eyes. His dong is doing 360 degree circles at an unimaginable speed. His voice thunders:

 

Miracle Dickie Bang Bang Smoocheroo

 

Sparks shoot out of the Disney Execs buttholes as they rocket off into the Manhattan night sky riding their naked blonde interns ‘Yee Haw! Ride that Little D Big M! Ride it!

 

Hey wait a minute. How old is MM? Like, late 30s, 40s? Yeah yeah I get it he’s beyond age and human attributes blah blah but really like how old? And Dicky D? Teens? Hmm. Is this even Kosher? Again, Gay Smooch wherever and with whomever you want…as long as they’re of legal and consenting age. I think that goes without saying for any ‘adult to kid smooch' no? Okay, sure, Dicky D wallops Double M and he goes flying out into the Cosmos but maybe we needed a little text before that ‘Double M, I’m 15’.

 

Look, was there ever any intimation or even a hint of this moment in previous issues? Like, am I missing something here? I don’t remember any panel or sequence where I remotely thought, ‘oh they’re into each other or Double M is into Double D’. Like, if there was and it was building to this moment I would be completely okay with it but there wasn’t. Were we to have assumed it? How? If this moment was a payoff from countless moments and issues then sure, great, we would have all been like ‘Yes! Finally! Pucker up and Smooch already!’

 

Wait a minute juuuust wayyyyt a minute here. Take a look at the cover! So you have Dicky D flying and waving in the parade and behind him is an enormous Miracle Man balloon that all but envelops Dicky D in the angle of the shot. The Miracle Balloon has a knowing smile. Looks like Dicky D is perfectly positioned for the Double M Balloon to have a little Naughty Parade Balloon fun. Come to think of it, maybe YM on Dicky's suit was given to him by MM but while Dicky thinks it means Young MiracleMan maybe MM thinks it means Young Manhole. Ah ha!

 

Aaaand who’s that waaay behind the Double M Balloon? Why it’s a Miracle Babe-ah-roo Balloon and she’s totally out of the picture. She’s like ‘You go Double M. Git that lil’ Hero Booty’.

 

Neil you randy devil you. Miracleloon Dickyball Bangershmiracle indeed.

Rating: 8.0

Verdict: Pull and find a Redhead

RONIN BOOK II #1 - Review

 

So the first question I have after getting through the first several pages of this comic is this: Was Frank Miller jerking off while he was drawing this or did he wait until he knocked out a couple of pages and then jerked off? It’s probably a combo of both, like, draw half naked babe getting banged by metal tentacles, jerk jerk, draw muscle dude, almost finish, draw naked babe with even more tentacles all over her and in her and and…ahhhhh. What the hell am I reading here? I like sexy, not really into the filthy. This feels filthy.

 

You got a naked babe in bed. First frame looks like she’s being banged upside down. Then it looks like she’s cumming. Then on  the next page she’s on her haunches, her naked buttocks ready for God knows what. Then we’ve got her wrapped in a sheet looking like she’s doing a shoot for a creepy photographer and then, Boom! Her face and mouth are being penetrated by a dozen metal insert thingies. Next page it’s her entire body. Maybe this is why he had to publish this on his own. His pitch to the Comics Industry was ‘Naked Babe. Tentacles. In her [snicker] like everywhere [Beavis laugh] metal in flesh, naked, yeah’. Mr. Miller you need to leave.

 

Is this Frank’s ex, or some girl in a bar who didn’t fawn over him when he mentioned to her:

 

‘I did that Daredevil Elektra thing, know what I’m talking about baby? Elektra, dead, I killed her, Daredevil 181 baby’

 

‘Uh huh, so medium rare or just medium on the steak?’

 

I mean, if I’m 15 years old I’m probably going through a lot of hair conditioner while reading this while screaming ‘Robot bang her robot bang her’ but I’m not. I’m an adult male and we’re not in 1989 anymore. This feels like one of those things I would see in a cheap comic convention in New Jersey in the 80s when some local artist would have blown up panels of some random chick half naked with a panther in the background and a full moon in the upper left corner. Do I have to keep reading this? How much was this again? I can’t find the price on the comic? I think it was like, eight bucks right? Dammit. Eighties comic porn for eight bucks, I could have bought two ounces of coffee at the café up the street instead!

 

I didn’t read the first Ronin. I don’t know who anybody is. I shouldn’t have to. A story is a story. So far I have ‘Babe dreaming of her man wakes up and gets banged by robot run by something named Virgo’ who I assume is the villain or baddie. Am I missing something here? I never did well with Virgos, they always had this blank stare on our dates. I don’t think they do sarcasm very well. I think they need like, really aggressive guys to take charge otherwise they’re just gonna stare at you with a blank look while wondering if they’re running out of cumin, paprika and coriander in their spice rack.

 

I don’t care how ‘nice’ the art is, not one bit. I didn’t buy a book called ‘The Jerkmeoff Art of Frank Miller’ I bought a book called Ronin so I could read a compelling story with sequential art! Story. Story. Story. If I wanna see haunches haunched up in my face with lips apart I can scroll through my Insta which is constantly goading me with clips of half naked chicks. I don’t know why though. Like, what’s the end game? I suppose there’s so much ads on there now the more I look the more ads they pay out on. Blecch. I’m flipping through this more, my goodness Frank Miller hire an Escort at a Comic Con or just pick up a random Anime babe who actually knows who you are (is that possible, Anime? Maybe like Black Cat or Supergirl cosplayers would really be into Frank) and leave us alone already.

 

I can’t finish this. I wonder, can I stuff this in one of those little Library book thingies they have in the neighborhood? You know, where you can take a free book or leave a book for people to read for free? Could I get apprehended for disseminating porn if I do? You ruined my Thursday morning Frank Miller with this swill! I had my coffee with these newfangled gluten-free mini matcha donuts all set up to enjoy a goofy AF 80s cheesefest. I had Level 42 playing in the background and then your personal masturbation material invaded my humble abode. That and these Matcha donuts tasted like your cover if they were covered in sugar. Jeez, and these donuts also cost 8 bucks! Why is the Universe robbing me eight dollars at a time!

 

My goodness. What’s the imprint of this again? FMP. Frank Miller’s Pussy? Is that it? Would he write that using a Sharpie on the buttocks of all those Elektra Cosplay Girls that followed him home from that rinky dink bar in the Bowery at 230am in the 80s? I don’t wanna know. You know who did a sexy mind blowing book all in black and white in the 90s with an Asian influence that actually had a compelling story? David Mack: Kabuki. You want to read something that enriches your comic book life read that instead of this stroke off fest.

 

FMP. Frank Miller’s Pud. Keep it in your pants Frank.

 

Rating: 1.0

Verdict: Drop

KROMA #1 - Review

 

They say don’t judge a book by its cover. When it comes to content these days we have no other choice. When you’re scrolling through thumbnails of new issues that are coming out every week there’s no way you can figure out what’s what with non-superhero comics other than going off what the cover looks like. Something grabs you? You click. In the world of acting it’s the same way. Casting Directors, well, more like Casting Associates, literally get thousands upon thousands of submissions from agents for projects. For commercials it’s probably more. All they see when they click on the submission tabs are thumbnail pix like they’re opening files on an old iphone that was used during their ‘wild clubbing days of the aughts’. Ooh, look there I am licking the floor with my ass up in the air, pretty sure Fifty Cent’s ‘Birthday’ was playing during this pic; wasn’t it always playing? The Aughts were Fifty’s ‘Birthday’ and Lil Jon’s ‘Yeaahhh’ on a loop mixed with glitter puke, glow sticks and bathroom stall BJs…for most people.

 

Comic Book Covers are like dating apps, you’re not reading a single word of a profile unless the pic is ‘ohmygoodnesswhothefuckisthat’ hot. So when I saw the cover of Kroma on the endless drawl of comic book covers my eyes popped ‘ohmygoodnesswhatthefuckisthat’. It’s Image, so, you have my attention. It’s eight bux, so you have my attention and my butt sitting on my digital wallet. Is it me or do you notice more and more $5-8 comics and less $4 ones? When did it become okay to just charge pseudo graphic novel prices on a comic all the live long day? Anyway, I have no idea who this Lorenzo guy is and I didn’t look for a preview for the book to peek inside, I just grabbed it; cuz intrigue and instinct is what rules the day in content world these days. I was right to do so.

 

Okay, so, I have a thing for cute Blonde girls, always have. My first crush in 1st grade, my first kiss, my prom date, my virginity, my last New York girlfriend all Blondes. Interesting that I went raven haired fiery Latina for a fiancé. It didn’t work out. Maybe I should stick to the Blondes? In this comic book a ritual is created where a cute blonde girl has to emerge out of a black egg and sprint away from the rabid masses who aim to pummel her due to her having ‘color’ in her eyes. Wait, they don’t know she has color in her eyes, the main character a boy named Zet notices the eyes during the ritual. She’s dressed in a, I dunno, Lady Gaga/Dark Crystal outfit with a skulls head as a mask when she’s set free before the masses rush off to pummel her. The world imagined here is a world of pale where colors have become the enemy, an evil that could destroy everyone. How this was able to get past the Diversity Screeners is beyond me

 

‘Umm, where’s the diversity?’

 

‘It’s an imaginary world without color’

 

‘Right, so where’s the diversity?’

 

‘Color is evil, it’s hunted down and destroyed’

 

‘So there’s diversity in the villain casting?’

 

‘Not really, I mean, there’s a Lizard thingy’

 

‘So the Lizard is being played by a Diverse actor/person in Green Screen?’

 

‘It’s just a lizard’

 

‘Mmkay, what’s your social media? We’d like to send you some…traffic’

 

This takes place in a medievalish type world of castles, villages with a Grand Vizier type guy who puts on a Horned Helmet thingamajig when he whips the masses into a frothing at the mouth frenzy over the perceived evil. He kinda looks like the villain in Time Bandits (uhhmayzing movie love love love) I would say this approach is probably being discussed in the boardrooms of all mainstream news outlets these days, “The masses aren’t frenzied enough. They’re not buying our BS. Maybe we should outfit our news anchors in caked on horned helmets?”

 

So the Horned Dude’s main apprentice is this kid Zet who starts visiting the Blonde Girl in the guarded tower and gets to know her and obviously starts falling for her. I would totally have a crush on this girl, big eyes, mop top hair, loincloth fashion style, sign me up! I’m going to guess that the author also once dated a blonde girl and wanted to lock her up in a guarded tower. Look, I’ve dated and loved my share of Blonde women as I stated at the top but it’s no secret that cute blonde girls are one of the main causes of death on the planet. I would say Cute Blonde Actresses are probably number two in the world in all-cause mortality. Oh, they don’t say it’s because of Blonde Actresses, they say Heart Disease, Cancer, High Blood Pressure etc. Well who the hell do you think were the causes of all of those things, hmmm?

 

There’s a major ‘Wow did not see that coming’ moment at the very end of the issue that totally took me by surprise; mouth dropped. Dammit, I’m in Lorenzo. How many issues is this? Five? So forty bux to slowly build up to my obsessing over a cute blonde girl in a loin cloth for the next five months? Sounds like a great deal to me! Do yourself and your audience a favor and get some diversity in here? Chasing a blonde girl down as evil is all well and good. Chasing her down with diversity on her heels? Gold. I mean, Silver. I mean, Bronze.

 

Rating: 8.6

Verdict: Pull